“Natalia… Natalia”, I barely registered the voice. “Oi, Natalia!” Calvin almost shouted, it took a moment before I realised he was talking to me, while I'd often thought of myself as Natalia, I clearly was not yet fully used to others referring to me with the name.
“You only have like 4 hours before mum and dad get home, Laura will be over later, you should probably get up.”
“Fuuuuck, ugh..” I sat up, anxious about how the day would go. “...Laura said you two had a plan or something?” I rubbed my dry eyes, no smudgy makeup transfer this time, I should probably have been drinking more water though and maybe my eyes wouldn't get so dry.
Calvin ran me through the gist of the plan, basically they were going to welcome my parents home, help them get their stuff inside, get them settled down, offer to make coffee etc. Then they would message me when they thought I should come out and reintroduce myself to my parents as their daughter.
As I ate breakfast Calvin was tidying, maybe to make the environment more pleasant to minimize the chance that our parents would be in a bad mood when they got home or maybe just because he was also feeling anxious and needed to keep himself busy.
I knew Laura might be interested in helping with my makeup later so I showered, shaved and blow dried my hair before making my way to the bedroom to pick out what to wear.
After shuffling through the bags of new clothes, and holding things up against my body, I settled on a black skirt with wide pleats, a purple crop tee, some fairly opaque black pantyhose and the black suede lace up boots with the 2 inch heel. I was going for distinctly cute and feminine but what I hoped my parents might find respectable or at least acceptable.
I spent some time brushing and trying to style my hair a little, as Laura had done before. By the time I was happy with it, Laura was standing at the bedroom door, she surprised me, saying “You're learning quick..” eliciting “Jeez,.. you scared the shit out me…” as a reaction.
“ha, Sorry about that, you want me to do your makeup?”
“Yes... please“ I managed some politeness despite the anxiety and dread building up.
She worked her magic, flickering the soft bristles of makeup brushes across my face with practised intent, every now and then she sat back and looked at me before apparently finding something to tweak. She didn't explain or describe any steps or even verbally ask me to move my head or mouth, her hand moving my face or her making a certain expression for me to copy was enough. I was partially afraid of how long she was taking but also might have liked it if the whole day could have just consisted of having a pretty girl fuss over me,.. not that I was specifically attracted to Laura, she was pretty but it would obviously be wrong to be thinking of my brother's girlfriend as anything more than a friend.
“We've got probably half an hour or so now.” Calvin warned us, he seemed a bit uncomfortable, but it was clear he was trying hard to seem prepared and relaxed, despite having paced around the house making sure every other little thing was in its place.
Laura hugged me before leaving the room, closing the door behind her. The hug was gentle and soft but comforting and reassuring. Being alone, there were no interruptions to the building anticipation and anxiety.
The fear of potential rejection. I’d heard my parents make a few problematic comments here and there in the past that had me feeling uneasy about which way things would go regardless of Calvin reassuring me that they already thought I was gay.
I became hyper aware of the muffled sound I could hear through the door and walls, at first it was just Calvin and Laura talking, soon their talking grew distant, I heard the front door closing behind them, silence for a few minutes. The sounds of car doors closing was only just barely audible from here. The sounds of footsteps, suitcases rolling on the hallway floorboards, doors opening and closing and muffled voices all mixed together for a while until it was only voices again. They were likely settling down now, it became harder and harder to hear their voices as my heartbeat and breathing became louder.
My body began to shake slightly as every muscle in my body seemed to be under tension, my shoulders were pulled up and in, my arms against my chest, my fingers began to ache in the tightening grip they had around my phone. I felt frozen in place, my desire to leave, to be anywhere else, seemed to be overridden. I don't know how long I was in this state, I wasn't particularly aware of time passing... Have you ever felt like you were a constantly shrinking spec falling into an infinite chunk of cheap mattress foam… I don't know how else to describe it but that's how I felt. Reality was some sort of indecipherable multisensory background noise, my sense of self was reduced to a simple point of observation to that noise.
The buzz sound and vibration against my chest was enough to pull me back out of it, though I wanted to just immediately check my phone. It took at least a minute to get my body to physically relax enough to comply. The message from Laura “You can come out now, if you're ready. Take your time if you need to, message me back if you need me to come to you”.
It may have been Adrenaline, it only took a few minutes for me to get up and open the door, the heels I was wearing weren't difficult to walk in but my steps down the hallway were unstable and awkward anyway. As I approached the threshold of the loungeroom I heard Calvin clear his throat and take a deep breath. “Mum, dad… Uh, Jacob has something he wants to talk to you two about”. I could barely notice a hint of awkwardness in his voice except in the way he said ‘Jacob’ and ‘he’.
“...Mum… dad…” I began, my voice shaky, not yet in their view. It took so much to get my body to actually get any words out and it took even more to actually step out. I felt like I was in slow motion watching their facial expressions go from the usual almost blank to confused and confrontational.
“Jesus fucking christ Jacob, Couldn't you at least be one of those respectable gays that have the decency not to shove it in people's fucking faces?” half-shouted the man who was supposed to be my father.
My mother piled on too, “I knew you were using my makeup, I thought you were just doing that whole emo thing, but this Jacob, what is this Jacob?”
“... Uh…. I…. Uh”, there was no way to get my body to say words or really do anything at this point, it seemed to be taking all I had to continue breathing and stay conscious.
Laura moved to my side, turned to Calvin, seemingly discounting communication with my parents as being a non-option, she flatly said “ I'm gonna get Natalia out of here. She doesn't need this”.
Mention of my new name furthered my mothers incredulity, “....‘Natalia’...? What the fuck is going on?”
I wasn't prepared for it, no one was but Calvin began shouting at them “Mum, Dad, Stop It, Just shut the fuck up!... I'm not going to just let you fucking interrogate her. This is not the reaction she deserves. You're both gonna just shut the fuck up until she's gone.” His voice was almost earth shaking, his muscular build and size lending heavily to the intimidation that forced my parents into a state of silent shock.
The looks on their faces faded back to blank expressions, their wide eyes were pinned on me until Laura pulled me out of view into the hallway. I don't know how, but my body seemed to follow Laura's lead, her hand firmly holding mine. Time didn't seem to resume its normal pace until we were in Laura's car pulling away from the house.
Laura repeated a few times as slowly and calmly as she could. “You're gonna be fine Natalia, you're safe with me.”
Her words didn't register in my head. ‘I wasn't really there, I couldn't be, this wasn't happening, because none of this could have happened’ denying reality was all I could do at that moment, and I was out of it for the whole trip, only snapping out of it when Laura having clearly already parked was helping me out of the passenger side of the car. “That's it, you're doing great, now just a few more steps”
She had brought me to her front door, unlocked it and led me inside.
Her open plan unit was small but tidy, a basic modern interior, white walls with off white tiles. I sat on the charcoal grey L shaped lounge suite against the wall opposite the wall mounted flatscreen TV. I placed my handbag down on the glass surface of the black steel framed coffee table.
She handed me a glass of water as she said “You're safe here okay, Calvin will be here later with your new clothes and some of your other stuff.”
I nodded as an acknowledgement that I'd heard her, I wasn't ready to speak. My mind had only just begun processing reality again, the events that lead me to where I now sat seemed distant and intangible, I was at that point genuinely feeling unsure if they had really happened, some subconscious part of my brain pulled my focus to my new surroundings, shoving the other thoughts away into the void.
What stood out most in the room and quickly caught my eye was a bright lilac glazed, ceramic piece. A roughly formed cobra was coiled around the outside of a rough bowl with its head sticking up and hanging partially over the bowl. In the bowl were Laura's keys, a few pens, two remotes, some dice, random coins, a few hair ties and hair clips etc. The lilac bowl which must have been something Laura made in high school was accompanied by a box of tissues and a small jar of MnMs.
I investigated both of the remotes, I turned the tv on, I wasn't looking for anything specific I simply needed something to occupy my mind, the MnMs found their way out of the jar and into my stomach. I was mentally exhausted to the point that I hadn't really considered that I was in someone else's space, and that these were their belongings until Laura had come back into the room.
She had changed into some grey tracky dacks and a loose black tee shirt, her face only looked a little different without makeup, but it was enough of a difference for me to find myself studying it.
“How we doing?” was all I heard her say, and I hope it was all she had said.
“... I'm okay… I guess… sorry for eating all your MnMs.”
I suddenly felt like I was imposing, I felt like this was just the beginning of me being a huge burden to her.
“Sweetheart, nooo. It's fine. You're all good, I want you to feel safe here,.. come with me”
She reached down, helped me to My feet and lead me into her hallway, she pointed at each of the 5 doors in turn“bathroom, toilet, laundry, my room, your room” she opened the door to ‘my room’, it was relatively small, with a built-in wardrobe, a desk and an office chair.
“Hopefully Calvin and I can grab your bed later in the week” she said after giving me a few moments to take in the space.
“...My room?...” I was almost whispering.
“Yeah,... I mean,.. if you like.”
“I,.. uh… you’d let me stay here?... I… I don't want to impose… I'm sorry.. I…”
“ Look... It's fine. You're not imposing. I'm offering.” Her voice got softer and became slightly muted when her head passed mine, she was squeezing me much more tightly than the last hug. I almost immediately began crying, her tight hug wasn't enough to hold me up but she slowly lowered me to the floor, sitting with me against the wall as I cried. My eyes were sore and my throat ached by the time my crying had become a weak sob, her arms never left my sides the whole time. As my sobs grew gentler I adjusted my back and sat up straighter against the wall. When I looked up Laura was looking back at me, tears had left tracks on her face, I hadn't even realised she had been crying as well, for some reason it made me feel more comfortable.
She wiped a tear away from her face, took a deep breath, held it in for a moment and then while she exhaled she let out an exasperated “fuuuuuuuuucking hell.” and after a few more breaths added “ugh, I needed that…”.
tears continued rolling down my face although I was no longer sobbing.
I'd never had someone just sit with me as I cried, I'd half expected her to tell me to snap out of it or to pull myself together, the idea of needing to cry ran counter to what had been instilled in me throughout my life up until this point. ’toughen up’, ‘stop crying and be a man’, ‘crying is for wimps and pussies’,... This moment was enough to bring all that into question. Laura gave me a hopeful comforting smile, “feeling any better?”.
Was I? Physically I felt like shit, but my mind was clearer, I was able to think through things, I felt calm and so I responded “A bit, yeah”. Crying had helped, I had to wonder how much toxic shit I was yet to unlearn.
“Oh, that's Calvi now… He grabbed dinner on the way too” Laura said after hearing her front door open and close. I followed her out into the hall but stopped at the bathroom to clean up my makeup a bit. I wasn't ashamed at the idea of Calvin seeing I'd been crying, but the black smudged and lines down my face weren't really doing it for me.
Laura and Calvin were sitting on the couch together sharing a large box from one of my favourite fish and chips places “I got you a battered sav, and some dimsims.” Calvin said as he and Laura shuffled over giving me space to sit on the lounge. Right after sitting I took off my boots and started eating.
“Sorry you had to see me yelling like that, I just couldn't let them treat you like that” Calvin was aware of how intimidating he had been and clearly concerned that it may have been difficult for me to handle. I swallowed the bite of dimsim I was chewing on “ it's okay Calvin, your yelling… was one of the least difficult parts”.
After we all finished eating, we watched some house renovation tv show,... Calvin pointed out all the mistakes the people were making in the show and Laura indulged his engagement with the show, I however knew shit all about construction or renovation, so I just kinda watched quietly until my eyes got heavy and wouldn't stay open.
—
I was standing in the hallway, my heartbeat somehow echoing off the walls. At first it was dark, then the loungeroom faded in, everything was blurry, only a small area in the centre of my view was in focus, my parents' faces, their anger, their disgust.
My father's voice was at first distant and muffled but grew clearer “...have the decency not to shove it in people's fucking faces!”... It echoed along with my heavy loud heartbeat. His face was a twisted mess of disappointment, anger and hate.
The air felt thick, I could barely breathe, I was locked in place by some dense invisible force.
As my father's face lost focus I heard a scornful muffled whine coming from my mother. It was again indecipherable at first, but soon its clarity matched that of the thumping of my heart.“...but this Jacob, what is this Jacob?” her words stung as if they were sharp and searingly hot.
Everything began to fade with Laura's echoing voice
“I'm gonna get Natalia out of here. She doesn't deserve this”.
—
I was still on Laura's couch, she was holding me, “hey, hey… you're alright… you must've been having a nightmare, you were moving around and mumbling.”
She handed me a glass of water, waiting until she was sure I had a good grip on the glass before actually letting it go.
I sat up and drank the water slowly, my heart beat slowed as the grasp I had on what I had been dreaming about slipped away. “C'mon,.. up,..” she said as she helped me up, she grabbed my handbag and led me down the hallway towards her room. “ That couch is not comfy to sleep on at all… I'll go grab the nightie we got you and give you a moment to change”
She sat me down on her bed, then hurried off out of the room, her room wasn't huge, but it was the larger of the two bedrooms. Her double bed that I was now sitting on was against the back wall to the left of the door and her built-in wardrobe with mirror sliding doors was on the opposite wall. She also had a large dresser with a mirror on it against the back wall, next to the window.
She came back into the room with a pack of makeup remover wipes and my nightie, after wiping off my makeup for me, she left the room so I could change. I slipped off my skirt, crop top and pantyhose. I only briefly sighed about the reaction the outfit earned from my parents before I slipped soft silky the nightie over my body. “I'm changed” I called out after picking up my discarded clothing, Laura had me put them in her washing basket in the corner.
“You can have this side” Laura offered as she pulled the blankets up off the bed for me. I made my way under the blankets a little awkwardly and laid on my back as far over to the edge of the bed as I could… I hadn't shared a bed with anyone since I sleepovers as a kid, I was also expecting Laura to want me to stick to this side of the bed.
My discomfort must have shown on my face or something.”Natalia… What's wrong? Do you need the bed yourself?”
“...uh… no, you can stay… I just… I thought maybe you'd like me to leave you some space…”
“You can spread out and get comfy.”
“Are you… sure?.. I don't want to make you uncomfortable”
“Why would I be uncomfortable?”
“I, uh… I’m…“ I was starting to get emotional, I couldn't get any more words out.
“Natalia. you're trans, not a plague ridden monster” Laura's voice was gentle even as she laughed a little… She reached over and pulled me towards the middle of the bed to hold me against her in a tight embrace, my tears ran between my cheek and her shoulder into her sheets. She loosened her grip on me but continued to hug me for what seemed like an hour before I realised she had fallen asleep with her arms around me, at which point I gave myself permission to fall asleep too.
—-
I woke up to Laura wriggling her body to slide her arms out from around me. I was only fully awake by the time she had just closed the bedroom door behind herself.
‘Shit. Fucking, damn it. Fuck’ were the words that came to mind just after I realised my dick was erect half poking out from the band of my underwear , I had only a slight hope she hadn't realised… I closed my eyes as soon as I heard her coming back into the room. As I laid there pretending to asleep, Laura placed a glass of water on her nightstand and sat back on her bed.
In a quiet hushed tone she asked flatly “Are you awake Nat?” she paused for a moment, sipped some water and then followed up with “if you are awake Natalia, you can relax and stop pretending to be asleep. It's natural and you shouldn't feel embarrassed about it, I know you can't just decide whether or not to have morning wood.”.
‘fuck’... She had absolutely realised…. I was no longer pretending to be asleep, I was wishing I could vanish, refusing to open my eyes… “I was going to just chill in bed for a while longer, but I can go lay on the couch for a bit if you need me to”
Now I had to wrestle between forcing her out of her room or acknowledging my embarrassment…
“... I… I don't want to make you leave your own bedroom… I can go…”
“I'm not afraid of your boner Natalia… it's okay if you wanna just lay there and go back to sleep and if you would rather go jack off in the shower or something, that's fine too.”
“...sorry... ”
“You don't need to apologise, I want you to feel comfortable and safe living here.”
She laid back down on the bed, scrolling on her phone and sipping from her glass of water. It took a while before I felt comfortable asking“Laura… where do you keep the towels? I'd like to take a shower” I almost expected her to laugh or something but she was chill, she just said
“There should be one or two hanging on the towel rack in the bathroom”
I slid myself out from under the blankets, making sure my nightie didn't ride up or anything and headed out to the bathroom. The bathroom wasn't tiny but it certainly wasn't big, white tiles and a faux marble counter, there was a shower and a separate bathtub.
Laura had at some point put my toothbrush in the little cup with hers and the one she kept here for whenever my brother stayed the night with her, I had a look in the drawers, she had cleared one out and put my bathroom things in it already.
I got the shower going and slipped the silky nightie up over my head and then stared at myself in the mirror. It wasn't what I really really wanted my body to look like, but it was absolutely a few steps in the right direction. I stripped out of my underwear and that's when I realised I left my phone in the bedroom…
“ Laura…. Could you bring me my phone?”
I looked at myself in the mirror a few more times, glancing at myself from different angles… It felt good to think people might just see a woman, at least from a few angles…
Laura knocked, and I moved behind the door and accepted the phone from the other side, using the door to cover myself.
I checked my phone, I didn't know what I wanted to see, there were no messages from anyone… Did I want messages from my parents apologising? Would that be enough? No… it wouldn't.
I put on some music, and climbed into the shower.
Even my shampoo and conditioner had been moved here… I took a few deep breaths and let the warm water run through my hair and down my body, my erection had partially dissipated by this point, but thinking about it for a moment brought it back,... If I was going to live here I would have to get comfortable doing this here at some point. I closed my eyes and began touching myself, after a few strokes I began imagining lips parting making way from me, sliding into them,... It was a cute brunette girl I had a crush on last year, I hadn't seen her since graduating,... Not that I had ever spoken to her.
I began stroking myself with more purpose, I thought of those lips around the shaft, I imagined her face, but it slowly became my own face, they were my lips around the shaft… I imagined Brad's voice, telling me to keep going… the motion of my hand grew faster.
In the past the image might have disturbed me, I would have felt ashamed, but not now… I picked up the pace, I was imagining myself masturbating while taking Brad in my mouth… I leaned against the wall, breathing heavily, reaching for my climax. I felt it nearing, my legs began to give way. “Uuoooh… oh fuuck.”I shuddered, my cock throbbed in my hand as it released its load onto the shower floor while the wave of pleasure moved through me. “ooooh, god.” It had to have been one of the most intense orgasms I'd had so far.
I finished showering, dried myself and then wrapped the towel around myself. Despite not having breasts, I wrapped the towel starting at my chest as if I did.
I walked to ‘my room’, although it didn't feel like it was really mine yet, after having noticed my toothbrush and other bathroom things having been already given a new home I wasn't surprised to find my new clothes hanging in the wardrobe and folded in the drawers. It may have not really felt like my place, but Laura was doing her best to help me feel welcome.
“Why don't you wear that new button up dress? Don't forget you have a date tonight with Brad.” Laura called out from her bedroom. And then added from my doorway “Although I'm sure he would understand if you needed to postpone after how yesterday went.”
“I think I want to go on the date, it's a little scary, well… very scary… but I… well.. he's… uh..”
“He is very cute…” Laura found the words for me.
“Yeah.. and I really want something to occupy my thoughts.”
She left me to get dressed, I headed to the kitchen for my breakfast… Laura pointed out where everything in the kitchen was. “Cups here, cutlery in this drawer… cereal and bread in the pantry, obviously… and oh. Is oat milk okay? I'm a little lactose intolerant…”
“Yeah, it's fine, so am I.”
“Great… are you going to be okay on your own,..? I'm gonna go get some more groceries for us but I'll be back in like an hour or two…”
“Got it,.. I'll message you if I need anything, but I think I'll be okay.”
I made myself some cereal, sat down and messaged Brad. I let him know about how my parents reacted, that I'd kinda moved in with Laura and that I was still up for the date later. I felt less anxious talking with Brad now.
“I'm so sorry that you're dealing with all that Natalia. if you need to cancel or postpone I would totally understand, I can't imagine how much you must be struggling at the moment. I'm glad Laura's looking out for you.”
I sent him the new address followed by “I looking forward to tonight” followed by two kiss emojis. And I was, but I was also anxious about it, worried I was going to make Brad uncomfortable by doing something that would expose me as a ‘man in a dress’ while we were out in public together.
With the first week of uni coming up in just over a week from now, I figured I should email the administration Office about my gender transition and my change of address so they could correct their systems and documents, I drafted an email, deleting and rewriting the whole thing probably 20 times before deciding to just leave it until Laura got back, she could help me with it.
Laura got home soon after, I helped her get the groceries inside and she pointed out some things she had bought for me, ice cream, chocolate, chips and other snacks… “ I may have gone a little overboard with the comfort foods, I was just thinking of all the things I want when I'm having a hard time.”
Again Laura was making me cry happy tears, “ thank you for all this Laura. I was going to ask you to look at an email I've been trying to write to the Uni, but you've already done so much for me.”
“You would have my back too if I needed help, although I'm not rich or anything, so you will be paying half the rent and groceries going forward, obviously. And maybe we can work out a house work rotation of something…”
I awkwardly pushed just a tad further “Yeah, of course… one more thing… would you do my makeup for my date tonight?”
Laura sat down next to me at the kitchen bench, she looked me in the eyes and said “I would be more than happy to do that for you, a first date is a big deal”.
“I guess it is a pretty big deal, I'm trying to do my best to not get all up in my head or freak out, the last few days have been a lot and I've got uni starting soon too. Uuugh, what am I doing… ” I dropped my head into my hands with my elbows on the bench top.
Laura lowered her head and swept some of my hair out of the way to continue looking into my eyes while she answered my rhetorical question “... Being brave, being true to yourself ?”
“ ughh, It’s soooo haaaard!”
“That's what she said, haha… it is gonna be worth it though Nat, you'll look back one day and wonder how you spent so much time before now pretending to be something you weren't…”
“That feels like it's going to be a long way off, if I even do get there.”
“Of course you will, from what I've seen over the last few days, you are very capable of bravery and determination.”
“What are you talking about? I've fallen apart and hyperventilated so much in the last few days.”
“An anxiety disorder takes bravery to fight, you've pushed past it to get to this point. That's brave. Now let's get you all prettied up”
This time Laura had me sit at her dresser, which had 3 large built-in mirrors, plus another smaller mirror with a ring light built into its edge. In the past I had often been uncomfortable looking at myself in mirrors, but lately even without makeup I've been finding myself looking at my features with hope, having seen what I can look like with more than a little effort.
Laura put on some music and started working on my face, starting with my first literal experience of ‘beauty is pain’. Waxing hurts like a mother fucker, but looking in the mirror it was a very clear difference, it was surprising how much the shape of my eyebrows effected the overall femininity of my face, Laura mentioned that women also often waxed their upper lip and chin but that it would probably be even more painful for me as my hairs were potentially stronger and denser, that I should probably just start laser hair removal soon.
I watched in the various mirrors as she worked through the concealer, foundation, some light contouring and my lips. I would have continued watching but she needed me to close my eyes and look up etc to do my eyes, but when she was done with them I of course instantly checked my reflection, I wasn't just cute or beautiful, I was hot. I was more than a little excited for Brad to see me like this and Laura noticed. “Ah, hold on…” as I started going red in the face she was messaging someone on her phone and then she looked up from her phone.
“so, uh…, brad will be here in like 10-20 mins so you should take care of that real quick and then Shawna sent me some resources for how to tuck better”
“I uh… okay…” With my hands barely covering where my dick was tenting the front of my dress I made my way to my room. As there was still no bed , I sat on the desk chair, pulled up my dress and pulled down my satin panties. I had no trouble summoning the images in my mind, Brad's body made me feel things that I hadn't let myself feel before for a man. I didn't t know how it would feel to do things with Brad, I also wasn't even sure it would even happen, but I definitely wanted it to, I wanted to run my hands over his bare chest and abdomen, I wanted to taste his cock, I was still just starting to get used to being honest with myself about it but it turned me on so much imagining him pulsating and jerking in my mouth, releasing over my tongue and down my throat.
With the vivid images in my mind I stroked and jerked eventually with enough energy that the chair began to squeak, The idea of cum in my mouth was enticing, I decided I'd try tasting my own so that I was more prepared and wouldn't react so surprised, my plan got me so worked up that it was only a few more enthusiastic strokes before I felt the waves of pleasure rising and beginning to move through my body, my ejaculate spurted out harder than I had anticipated, the majority in an initial spurt flew out onto the desk In front of me and then the rest oozed out into my hand,.. before the glow of my horniness left, I bent over and licked the desk clean, the taste and texture were peculiar to start with but by no means unpleasant, it couldn't see myself having any issues if things went in that direction with Brad at any point.
“Based on the sudden silence , I'm assuming you're done, can I come in? I've got tissues for you and a makeshift gaffe based on the instructions from Shawna”
“ Uh,... I probably should have thought about grabbing tissues beforehand… I can't really put.. uh… myself.. away without cleaning myself up but uh…”
“That's fine, not gonna look”
“Oh,... Uh… okay I guess…”
Laura opened the door and walked in while averting her gaze. She placed on the desk, the tissue box, the makeshift gaffe and her phone open to the instructions for how to use the gaffe. “He should be here soon, I'll go wait in the lounge room”.
I cleaned myself up, then followed the instructions and pulled the gaffe up my legs. I guided my testicals slightly uncomfortably into the holes from whence they at some point apparently came from then pulled my shaft back between my legs, pulling the gaffe up to hold everything in place. After looking in the mirror, I was confident I'd done it right and I was pleased with the result.
I grabbed my handbag from Laura's room and after a final few minutes looking at myself in Laura's mirrors I took a deep breath and headed to the lounge room.
“ Damn Natalia, you look amazing.” Brad's voice caught me by surprise, I hadn't heard the doorbell, I must have been too distracted. I batted my eyes and gave him a bashful smile.
As I got closer to him his scent intoxicated me, I forgot to respond to his compliment.
“We should probably head off now, Nat, to avoid being late for the reservation.”
“Oh right… dinner… yeah.” I was a little lost in thought.
“Can I have her for just a sec, I'll bring her out to the car after”...
“Sure, of course.” Brad said without hesitation, he leaned down slightly to kiss me gently before heading out to his car. The kiss was short and sweet but still made my mind race.
Laura's face had some seriousness about it as she began to speak
“Since this is your first night out like this you're getting the talk. Keep your phone on you, do not let it go flat. If you get in trouble, yell fire instead of just yelling for help. Do not drink any drink you've let out of your sight, it's not worth the risk. I will be messaging you every so often throughout the night, if you don't respond, I will call.”
Her voice was suddenly very serious and so I tried to internalize everything she had just said. I imagined that teenage girls usually got this talk from their parents, I was glad to have someone care enough to give me the talk regardless. It was a little scary having to internalize the fact I was more of a target for certain types of violence now. When she finished speaking I nodded in acknowledgement.
The walk out to Brad's car was almost too quick, I had a lot on my mind but processing those thoughts would have to wait because I could barely think around this guy. He drove a silvery grey four door sedan. The chromed trim, windscreen, body panels and even the tires all sparkled under the street lights; he had clearly cleaned it very recently. Brad opened the door for me, I held my dress in place under myself as I slid down into the seat, he closed the door gently after I swung my legs in.
Minutes after starting the car and pulling out from the gutter Brad asked “Is this your First date like this?”
“First ever”
“With a guy or just with anyone?”
“uh...With anyone”
“I swear someone said you and Steph were together or something though...”
“That was just a rumor,... I think she might've been gay and she had no idea about me being like this… we're just friends. Well, we were… I haven't really spoken to anyone from high school since last year…”
“That's gotta be tough, and now the stuff with your parents. I can only begin to imagine how difficult all this must be for you Natalia” he didn't sound finished, but hesitant to continue, as such I reassured him “..Yeah…”.
His grip on the steering wheel shifted and tightened,
“I don't think it's fair for me not to be upfront, I like you but I'm not specifically looking for a serious relationship at the moment.”
“Oh…”
Where did that come from? What was I expecting? What was I hoping for? We barely knew each other… Did I want something serious? Why did I feel disappointed? I began to worry that I was something most people wouldn't end up wanting a serious relationship with.
It was awkward silence for the remainder of the drive to the restaurant, though conflicted I still couldn't deny my lust for this man and my yearning to experience intimacy I’d never known before. I tried to stop myself from staring at him but it was difficult to keep my eyes from the statuesque figure I’d only just recently masturbated over thoughts of.
Brad had parked, less than a block away from the restaurant, I wasn't even actually waiting for him to walk around to open the door for me, but he did so. His breath tickled my neck as he spoke gently to my ear,
“I can see I might've dampened your mood, but I'd still really like to have a good time with you Natalia.”
At that point i was suddenly hit with the realisation that a guy apparently wanted to fuck me, it made me feel something I'd never felt before, I felt desired, any other conflicting emotions or thoughts vanished. For a second I began to become overly conscious of my breathing, I could feel myself starting to panic but the breath I took next was so heavily dosed with his intoxicating scent that I just turned towards him and we fell into a kiss, his lips led with a cue for mine to part, his tongue brushed gently against mine. I leaned into him as his hands moved down my sides to my waist. He lifted me from the seat, breaking the kiss only once my feet were firmly on the ground.
Before I knew it we were sitting across from each other at a small table for two in a cosy Italian restaurant. A few original paintings hung on the walls, most were of young attractive women, some were of things like a can of tomatoes or a spread of garlic bulbs over a counter surface. The moody rays from the low hanging ceiling lights accentuated the contours of his face with warmth that matched his expression.
“Natalia, Did you want something to drink?”
“Oh,.. uh… sorry.” I hadn't even looked at the menu's, barely acknowledging when they were given to us by the waitress…
The drinks menu was way thicker than the food menu, which I guess made sense after thinking about it. My anxiety made it pretty difficult to go out much, I'd never really had a reason to go anywhere remotely fancy. There were so many different wine options, I went straight to the cocktail section.
“I,... I'll have…” I was struggling to get the words to come out, so I pointed to the strawberry mojito, fortunately Brad took the hint realising he would need to relay my order to the waitress.
“She'll have a strawberry mojito. And I'll have the pale ale”.
“And to eat?”
The food menu had a lot of Italian on it so I decided to just go with the carbonara, pointing it out to Brad.
“We'll have a focaccia to share and then she'll have the carbonara and I'll have the lamb cutlets.”
“No worries.”
The waitress’ expression didn't reveal whether or not she found my deferring speaking my order out to be strange, I guessed she wasn't paid to care about something like that.After she left Brad reached for my hand and squeezed it gently.
“Sorry… I just… I sometimes struggle with strangers, especially if they're busy just doing their job waiting for me to give them an answer about what I want from them… I honestly feel a little pathetic.“
“You don't have to feel bad about your anxiety. It's actually a little endearing seeing you try even if you ultimately need help.”
‘Damn this man’ I thought, feeling a resurfacing of conflicting emotions. If he hadn't said he wasn't after something serious, he was certainly saying shit that would have made me feel differently.
“Why aren't you looking for something serious?”
I can't believe I just said it out loud, I hadn't even gotten my drink yet.
“oh,.. well,..Im young and not really ready to settle in with any one person”
“T… Then why take me on an actual date?”
“ I was a little worried that going straight to the bedroom might make you feel fetishised, and even if it's casual I really do enjoy romance too.”
“Oh, uh… okay…” I wasn't sure if I had more to think about or less.
The waitress brought our drinks. It almost felt like she was staring at me the whole time she was placing them on the table.
Brad steered the conversation to finding out more about each other, his favourite animals were big cats, mine were birds, his favourite foods were barbequed meat dishes, mine were desserts. He liked sports, I had no interest in them. He planned to travel the world within the next 5-10 years, all I had planned was transitioning and studying software engineering at University.
Food arrived and interrupted conversation though it was delicious, Brad and I took our time eating as we got to know more about each other. I had finished my second drink by the time I needed to go to the toilet. Due to using a large part of my available cognitive function to remember to use the women's toilet, I walked headfirst into the waitress and tumbled to the ground.
Her accent sounded more rural when she said“ Oh shit, sorry,.. ya right?”
“.. I… uh… Yeah… I'm okay.”
“ a bit distracted?” She chuckled, raised an eyebrow and shot a look in the direction of Brad sitting at the table, then she helped me back up. I was blushing while she picked up my bag for me. I only managed to almost whisper “Uh, …I guess so.” As she had just begun to get back to work.
I briefly forgot why I was even away from the table, but my bladder didn't let me forget for long. As I got closer to the women's bathroom my heart beat became louder, it seemed faster even as everything else seemed slower. I knew consciously that no one could tell I was any different from any other woman, but subconsciously I couldn't stop myself worrying about the slim chance I'd be ‘caught’, the worry was possibly exaggerated by being a little drunk and worrying if I was acting like a man in some way I wasn't aware of.
Despite apprehension, I pushed the door open and the room was as I had imagined it would be, much the same as a men's bathroom sans urinals, I was glad to be the only one in there as I made my way into a stall. After lifting the dress and pulling down the DIY gaffe my dick was slightly numb and my testicals very quickly made their way back to being outside of my abdomen. Nevertheless that sweet sense of relief helped erase any worries about being in the women's bathroom.
As I sat there on the porcelain throne I remembered to check my phone to see if Laura had checked on me. There were 2 messages from her.
“Hey, just checking on you. Are you good?”
Followed by “ are you okay Natalia?”
“Hey, sorry I forgot to check my phone, everything is going well, he's so sweet and the food is nice. He did say he isn't looking for anything serious at the moment though.“
It was only a few seconds before Laura responded.
“I'm so glad you're having a good time, casual fun can be good too, let me know when you'll be home”
After wiping and flushing I put great care into getting the gaffe back in place. Before leaving the bathroom I decided to check my makeup in case eating or drinking had smudged or worn away my lipstick, and it had, another woman came in and walked right past me into a stall without anything more than a brief glance in my direction. I fixed up my lipstick, intent on not letting being slightly tipsy lead to messy makeup.
When I got back to the table Brad poured me some water and smiled warmly.
“Do you have much of a sweet tooth Natalia?”
“Oh, you have no idea. I'm a sucker for lollies, ice cream and I absolutely love donuts.”
“ Good, because I was hoping we could share the desert I ordered.”
“Oooh, what are we having?”
“Panna cotta, they do a really nice one here.”
“I've never had panna cotta…”
“Well, I think that's the waitress with it now,.. I bet you'll love it.”
The same waitress I'd bumped into earlier was bringing our desert over and I blushed a little as she looked directly at me when she said “enjoy” after she placed the dish on the table. I suspected she was talking about enjoying more than just the desert.
Although we did have a spoon each Brad scooped a spoonful of the jiggly cream coloured desert making sure to get some of the chocolate curls and passionfruit and moved it towards me. He watched me for my reaction and it was clear he didn't want to make it awkward if I didn't want to let him feed me in public like that. Looking into his eyes was enough to make everything else fade away, I opened my mouth in as seductive a way as I could think to and waited, it did occur to me that I might also later be opening my mouth for a less jiggly creamy white treat from him….
The flavours were divine and balanced, the texture had initial contrast but melted away smoothly on my tongue.
I was absolutely going to be adding panna cotta to my favourite foods.
I made an unconscious “Mmmmmm…” sound and my eyes probably rolled back into my head slightly too.
“Told you you'd like it.” Brad said, his tone conveying he was pleased by my reaction to his choice of desert.
“You also look sooo cute moaning like that, I'd love to see more of it tonight if you're up for it.”
This boy had the audacity, but he also had the charm and body to back it up. I had in the past struggled with the idea of having sex with a man, but that struggle seemed infinitely distant at this moment. If any part of my mind wanted me to say no, it stood no chance and was hiding.
“I think I’d like that”.
Oh god it made my heart race to say that, until the last couple of days I wouldn't have imagined I might lose my virginity to a guy, let alone that I'd get to do so as Natalia.
Brad's eyes were pinned on mine as he posed the cliche “Your place or mine?”
“Well I don't have a bed at Laura's yet…”
Brad then departed heavily from the cliche “My housemates will probably be gaming still when we get back… you play Smash Bros?”
“I'm not great at it, but I have played it a bunch.”
We finished the dessert, it was the first time I'd ever been on a date and I knew there was the whole men paying for women thing but I still wanted to offer to split the bill, but Brad declined my offer.
The ride to Brad's house from the restaurant was shorter than the previous trip, we didn't get much chance to discuss anything other than how good the food was as I used the time to message Laura letting her know if be staying at Brad's place to which she replied “Nice”.
Brad lived in a 3 bedroom red brick house with small front and back yards and a 2 car garage. The front yard was enclosed with a hedge and large steel gate painted green.
After getting the car into the garage Brad kissed me briefly before he led me inside by the hand. The front door basically led directly into the loungeroom where Brad's housemates were gaming and drinking together.
“ That's Jared and that's Damien. Jazza, Damo, this is Natalia.”
“...Heya.”
jazza glanced away from the screen for a moment
“ Yo…” his reaction to seeing me felt affirming but also a little intimidating. I was hoping I hadn't been recognised, but I guess I had to trust Brad's judgement. Jared followed his reaction with a question “you drink pale ales?”
I had ironically been teased and called a girl for it in the past but I only really drank fruity drinks.
“Uh… no… got any cruisers?”
“Cider?”
“That'll do.”
Jazza focused back on the game with Damo again after letting me know where the ciders were.
Brad had gone to hang his coat and put his shoes away.
I took my heels off and left them at the front door before I grabbed myself a cider from the fridge in the kitchen.
When I got back to the loungeroom Brad was sitting on a 3 seater couch and he patted the cushion next to him, I walked around the back of the couch with the other guys on it and snuggled up against Brad's muscular frame.
“2 v 2 or free for all?”
“Us vs you two.. Nice to meet you by the way, Natalia.” Damo offered now that he wasn't mid match.
“Yeah same,” Jazza added.
“ Nice to meet you two too. How do you both know Brad?”
I knew exactly how they knew him, I had seen them both with him in high school and they had no doubt seen me there too but I wasn't about to let them know Brad had brought a trans girl home.
“We both know him from high school.” jazza said.
“I actually know him from that time I saw him run naked through the golf course…”
“Dude, shut up…. He's a shit stirrer, I wasn't naked I was wearing underwear and he was the one who dared me to do it anyway.“
“I can imagine that was quite a sight.”
We drank and played smash bros for maybe 1 - 2 hours. Too tipsy to stand a chance gaming and just tipsy enough to have summoned confidence I whispered into Brad's ear
“ you wanna play games all night or…?”
And with that his demeanor took a sudden shift.
“ Alright well… uh good game guys… Natalia and I are gonna go…”
“ Have fun.” Jazza said with a laugh.
Brad led me down the hallway to his bedroom.
“ Here's my room…”
He opened his door to reveal a neat, tidy room with a gaming computer set up on a large desk against the far wall, his desk was also covered with nerd hobby stuff, like little miniatures part way through being painted. His bed was a queen size with a cushioned headboard. He had video game art stuck up on his walls.
“Oh nice,... Gordon and MasterChief are gonna watch me suck dick for the first time…” the joke was aimed to relieve the tension and I felt it was a success when Brad chuckled.
I sat on the edge of his bed and he sat next to me.
“You sure you're up for this Nat?”
Despite the anxiety I managed a “Yuh huh.” with a nod.
And with that, Brad's hands found their way to my waist and his lips to mine. I was getting much more used to kissing him now, I was much less anxious and self conscious. I kissed him back and moved with his caressing as his hands explored my abdomen.
As we kissed my hands were resting on his sides, but soon my fingers slipped under the waistband of his pants. Brad took this as a sign that I was ready to go further and undid and pulled down his pants. I hesitated a little, I wouldn't be able to un-suck a dick afterwards… but ultimately I couldn't deny that I wanted it, I really really wanted it. It was easily visible bulging beneath the fabric of his underwear. I traced my finger along its length from the base to the top, sliding my finger up to the waistband of his underwear. I looked at his face and into his eyes as I pulled his underwear down, I had wanted to maintain eye contact but couldn't resist looking down as the throbbing mass was freed, and upon seeing it I felt mine throb against its restraints.
I slid off the bed to kneel In front of Brad, doing so initially felt shameful, yet it subsided quickly and began to feel exciting. Glistening precum drew my focus as I moved in to get my first taste, as my lips touched the tip Brad let out a small moan. The texture was soft, the taste of the precum was enjoyable, while the shaft itself was pretty neutral in flavour. I did my best to keep my teeth out of the way, using my lips to protect his meat from their bite.
“mmm, you're… mm..pretty good… mmmm… at this already…” Brad's obvious enjoyment of my actions felt like some sort of drug, I was experiencing a whole new level of desire. Noticing that moving my tongue along the underside while pressing his shaft into the roof of my mouth made him moan and shudder, I made sure to do it more, every now and then I tried to get it as far in as I could, and gagged every time, but he still seemed to like it.
I had been at it for quite some time, my jaw was beginning to get sore but he was producing more and more precum and I was just hoping I could get him to cum soon, I must have slowed down a little or something because Brad grabbed a bunch of my hair in one hand and the side of my head in his other and began to fuck my face, I gagged and teared up a little because of the gagging but i fucking loved him ramming himself into my throat. It was only a few more minutes before his throat fucking Suddenly abated as his hips froze against my face, his hands held me into him and his cock spasmed in my throat and mouth. The first spurt felt hot as it hit the back of my throat, and he pulled out a little allowing subsequent spurts to coat my tongue and all the surfaces of my mouth before spilling out onto my lips.
My breathing was unsteady and ragged, I swallowed suddenly, and took deep breaths from my mouth as I'd only been able to breathe through my nose for the last few minutes.
“Fuck that was good Nat.,.” he was panting as I pulled myself back up onto the bed beside him.
“ I'm…. Ugh… glad you… enjoyed it so much,” I said with a genuine grin on my face despite being out of breath. “ I enjoyed it… even more than… I thought I would.”
“I'm glad you did too, did you.. uh,... want me to…” he loosely gestured towards my crotch.
“Oh, … uh no I uh… I'm not sure… I hadn't even thought about that…” I truly hadn't even thought about getting my dick involved in the moment and I wasn't actually sure how I felt about him touching it…
“It's okay, I understand. I'll admit I searched online about how to make a trans girl comfortable… so I understand you might have some negative or mixed feelings about your genitals.”
“Do you do research before all your hookups?” I had a little bit of a sly smile now, not sure where this confidence keeps coming from.
“no, but I didn't want to do anything to upset you or make you feel used or anything like that.” it was cute that he was acting bashful even though he just nutted down my throat.
“You're so nice… I don't know about my own… but maybe we can try if you actually want to… I mean if you're even into uh.. dicks…” the confidence was suddenly gone again to wherever it kept coming from I guess.
“I've never touched anyone else's, but it can't be much different from touching my own… except in this case it's on a hot girl.”
I lifted my skirt and pulled down on my pantyhose, panties and gaffe. My own dick had softened somewhat during the conversation, but once it was revealed, Brad didn't hesitate to take it into his hand, it felt so odd having someone else touch it for once, odd but definitely arousing. I leaned back and he climbed onto me , his mouth seeking mine. I moaned into his kiss and his hand tightened a little as my cock stiffened in his grasp.
I fell back onto the bed, he had full control of me with his kissing and touching. His kisses periodically moved across my jaw and down to the side of my neck, allowing my moans to echo off his bedroom walls,
“Ooooh, ahhh.. mmmmmm yeah. Oh fuuuuuck”
I was now finding out I was a loud lover when being even slightly dominated. I was so turned on from the act I had just done, that I didn't last very long in his hands.
“ Ahhh, oh fuck…. Brad… I'm gonna…. Uhhhhh”
I shuddered and convulsed, my load oozed out into his cupped hand…
“ Are you going to help me clean up the mess?”
I was confident I knew what he was implying so I just nodded enthusiastically… of course I was going to let him feed me my own cum… that's hot as fuck…
He held his hand over my mouth and let my mess drip into my open mouth, onto my waiting eager tongue. Of course not all of it just fell off his hand and so I licked and lapped up all the mess on his hand.
“Goooood girl,..”
His words got a smile and a laugh out of me as I lay back limp in more ways than one, he left me to catch my breath to go clean himself up in the bathroom.
Despite the after glow I began to ponder how different my life was now compared to a week ago, the thoughts drifted towards my uni plans and what meeting new people would be like, wondering if I could be a more confident person as Natalia.
Brad walked back in
“ I have an unopened spare toothbrush in the drawer in the bathroom, and there's a towel on the rack if you wanna shower… oh and uh I guess you can wear one of my t-shirts to bed if you want.”
“Thanks, I can shower tomorrow. I'm actually really tired now.”
I headed to the bathroom with my handbag, I removed my makeup, I felt a little uncomfortable about the idea despite Brad having already seen me without makeup before,.. during our first kiss way back in high school at that party for instance… it was better for my skin apparently, or at least that's what Laura had told me. I also took the opportunity to check my phone while brushing my teeth, Laura had messaged me.
“Hey… how is it going? Are you all good?”
“Yeah, I'm fine, I have had a great night actually but ..Brad just wants to keep it casual… which I guess is okay”
“A great night huh? You can tell me all about it when you get home tomorrow.”
“Sure, I guess.”
I finished brushing my teeth, and headed back to his room. He handed me a large t-shirt and I changed into it, while facing away from him and placing my clothes folded on his chair. I would have to remember to bring a packed overnight bag next time I spend the night at someone's house.
“Time for snuggles?” His voice was sweet and comforting.
“Do casual hookups usually come with snuggling?”
“Sometimes,.. casual doesn't mean we have to be cold or distant.”
“I guess that makes sense.., yeah.., time for snuggles.”
We both climbed underneath his blankets and tried various snuggling configurations only to settle on him spooning me, though I did also like laying my head on his chest while he was on his back.
I felt a mixture of residual excitement and warm comfort from this man's affectionate embrace, but it had no chance at holding back the feelings of loss, anguish and heartache. The silence and the stillness lead to racing thoughts, and they centred around the sudden disintegration of my relationship with my parents.
Brad was quiet at first as I began to tremble and sob, he held me a little tighter. I snorted and my tears ran down onto Brad's arm, with a nose blocked trembling voice I cried “.. They looked like they suddenly hated me, Brad… it hurts… I’m sorry… I probably shouldn't have come over… I'm not as okay as I thought…”
“hey, no… it's okay… Do you need me to take you back to Laura's?”
I was snorting and wiped my tears on Brad's shirt I was wearing… “...uh…yeah…I think I do need that…”