I held onto him so tightly, burying my head in his chest. After spending the last few months desperate for a way to find him, there he was, showing up out of nowhere.
I thought back to the last time I'd seen him at the hands of the slavers and only held on tighter.
So imagine my surprise when I felt resistance. He was pulling away from me.
It wasn't until we were a whole arm's length away from each other and I was floating in despair over the possibility that he might consider my appearance too much of a shock that he seemed to finally get a good look at my face, only partially illuminated by the sole oil lamp in the room.
"Rowen?" The surprise on his face was undeniable, as I'm sure was the worry on mine.
What would I do if he couldn't get over my new circumstances? How would I carry on without my best friend? Would I even want to?
I forced a terribly awkward smile in his direction that pleaded for his understanding.
Unnecessary, as it turned out, because a moment later, he whispered under his breath, "It's really you," just before pulling me into a tighter hug than the one I'd managed earlier.
I held on tightly to him once again, and for a moment, it was as though the nightmare had ended. If I closed my eyes, I might have opened them to find myself in front of the orphanage. Maybe, none of it had happened at all.
But it had. We were standing in one of the rooms of the velvet pavilion, and the nightmare was far from over.
We separated long enough to examine one another before either one of us said a word. He was wearing a brown tunic and dark grey breeches, an excellent choice to hide any potential stains. Unlike the routine of a courtesan, for him there was no expectation or even possibility of cleanliness.
Despite that, he still shone in my eyes. Especially his eyes, which now seemed just a bit more wet than they had been a moment ago.
Another difference in our respective appearances was how much shorter he wore his hair now. If we didn't have bigger things to worry about now, I would have considered his cropped hair a great sadness. I'd always appreciated that shaggy look on him after all.
"How are you here?" I finally worked up the courage to ask him.
"I don't really know; I was just pulled away from my work this morning and brought here," he spoke quickly in hurried whispers. "I hadn't expected to see you here, not to mention looking like this."
"I guess I do look different, huh?" I spoke in awkward embarrassment.
"I'll say," he replied matter-of-factly, "This is a courtesan house, no? Do they have you working here? Like this?"
I knew Orin, and I knew exactly how he looked when he was getting upset. That look was as plain as day on his face.
"I-- Nothing--" I paused, unable to find the words to explain in a way that wouldn't set him off. "They're training me to be a courtesan, yes, but—"
"Isn't that women's work?" he interrupted.
"I mean, usually it is, but what can I say?"
"They expect you to—" his face flickered with disbelief, "With men?"
"I don't know, okay?" I fussed when I noticed his mood turn, "Maybe. I'm just taking it a day at a time."
When he went to say something with the obvious intention of arguing, I interrupted, "Besides, I was more worried about finding you. I didn't know what happened to you after I was sold."
"Rowen, I take care of horses!" He'd said in a slightly raised voice before looking around cautiously, then walking up to close the door I'd left open, "I'm not the one training to be a whore. You're the one that needs worrying about."
"It's not like that," I found myself defending my place in all this. "We don't just sleep with random men, Orin. It's conversation, negotiation, company."
"We? Who's 'we'?" He raised his voice again. "This won't do." He reached out and grabbed my wrist. "We're getting out of here," he proclaimed.
"I'm not allowed to leave," I pulled as he dragged. "I don't think we can just walk out the front door."
"I'll work something out," he announced as he hurried me towards the door.
"You mean like you worked out a way for us to leave the orphanage and build a life in the city?" I snapped.
It wasn't as though I didn't want to leave. I just didn't think it could be that easy. And I knew Orin; I knew he tended to disregard everything else when he had his mind set on something. I also knew I had to be a bit harsh to stop him.
Maybe if I'd been harsh back then, we wouldn't be in this mess.
"How can you stay here?" he asked me after letting go of my arm. "Rowen, look at yourself. You should be fighting tooth and nail to get thrown out. Why aren't you?"
There was a pause, which signaled to me that it wasn't intended as a rhetorical question. In his head, he would never let this happen to him.
"Do you want this?" he asked following a prolonged silence.
"Of course I don't want this," I barked in response.
"Okay," he replied, "now what?"
That was the question. I took a few steps away from him and answered simply, "I don't know."
I needed to think. Without a word, I made my way to the bed at the other end of the room and sat on its edge.
He retreated for a time, seemingly lost in thought, and after some time, he spoke again, "Other than the brute at the door, I spotted two more guards on my way in. If we can ambush the brute, maybe I can distract the others while you make a run for it."
I thought for a bit and decided the 'brute' had to have been Haskel. If there were two others besides him, the chance of success seemed slim even for Orin.
"Even if it works, do we then spend every waking moment evading slave catchers?" I asked him.
As far as I understood it, every house that owned slaves kept a registry of their slaves with descriptions and likenesses. For a place such as this that dealt with so many, Lady Isolde would surely have no trouble setting catchers on our trail.
I'd hoped for him to see reason, but he only seemed frustrated. "You know, Rowen, I would have thought that would be a better fate than wearing dresses and pleasing men."
Silence once again. We hadn't seen each other in months. This wasn't at all how I had expected a reunion to be.
"What are you trying to say?" I folded my arms and asked.
"You tell me," he replied almost immediately, "do you have a plan, or are you meaning to stay here forever?"
"I do have a plan actually."
"Go on then," he jested, "before it's nighttime and you have to get to work."
"You know I didn't ask for this, right?" It was my turn to raise my voice. "I'm doing the best I can too."
He didn't respond, so I carried on.
"Not all of us can just punch our way through everything," I frowned.
"Rowen," he stepped forward, "I'm not holding that against you. You know I never have. I said I would protect you, and that's what I'm here trying to do, but—"
"But what?"
"It doesn't seem like you want me to do that anymore," he answered while still advancing. "You're telling me to just leave you here in this place. I know what goes on in here."
"I'm not asking you not to help me," I clarified just as he was back standing in front of me. I thought he might take a seat on the bed beside me, but he seemed intent on staying on his feet. "I want to get out of here; I just want us to do it right, you know?"
"I was rude earlier." He shook his head and seemed to be apologizing without saying it in so many words. "You mentioned you had a plan."
"I do," my own expression softened, "although I don't know if I can even trust it."
In what was little louder than whispers, I told Orin about the spymaster and his offer.
In my retelling, I'd briefly considered that his presence here was the spymaster's doing, perhaps, an act in good faith to strengthen my trust in our arrangement, but ultimately decided that he would have had no way to know of Orin's existence.
All signs pointed to a move by Lady Isolde. She was dangling my best friend in front of me, and at the time, I could only guess at the reason why.
"So you're to serve these men and gather information for him?" Orin asked, "And what, he'll have you freed as a result? You can't really be trusting of that."
"What choice do I have?" I countered, "Until that offer, I'd found no other means out of this place."
"Rowen, these people double-cross each other for a living," he said bluntly, "and how long are you supposed to work for him anyway before he sees fit to have you freed?"
Of course I had no answer to that question, so I didn't bother saying anything. I knew better than anyone that I was at the spymaster's mercy. I probably shouldn't have agreed so quickly, but I had been desperate.
"Not to mention that you'd be serving men like him the whole time, having God knows what done to you," he continued. "I am not okay with this."
"Well, I don't have anything else," I complained.
"I know, I know." He stepped away from me once again in deep thought, rubbing the back of his head in frustration. "Are you being treated well here at least?" he asked while turning around to face me.
"It's fine," I turned my gaze to the floor. "It's nothing I can't handle. The others treat me as well as can be expected. I made a friend too, so there's that."
I trusted Orin to know that was a significant detail. After all, I'd only ever had one other friend.
"A courtesan?" he asked. I nodded. "And you live here with them? Dressed like that all the time?"
"Yes, what's with all the questions?" I asked with a hint of annoyance in my voice, "Can't we get past this? We haven't seen each other in three months, and I've yet to hear anything about you."
"Well, it's hard to, given how much you've changed already." I watched his gaze shift from one part of me to the next. "Do you even notice how you're sitting like a girl? Or how you're talking?"
I dare say he was right. I hadn't noticed any of what he'd pointed out, and it had required some effort to stop sitting in the manner that had been forced on me by Ione and Elodie.
"You're already as much of a girl as any I've ever met, and twice as beautiful."
Even in the dimly lit room, I could just make out the embarrassed expression on his face just before he turned away.
I was thankful he was looking away so he couldn't see my face turn several shades of pink.
The moment the thought of what Orin had just said entered my mind, it was all I could think about. Maybe if he hadn't been so embarrassed about it, I might have thought he was only saying it to make a point. Now I had no such defense. I was faced with the thought that he considered me beautiful, and I didn't know how to feel about it.
Hurt? Proud? Insulted?
"So no, I can't just get past it," he finished, choosing to not address the words he'd uttered.
"Fine," I replied quietly.
I struggled to look at him because each time we did and I saw him waiting, or perhaps begging me to say something, I would squirm. Not in the way I did when the guests touched me wantonly.
No, this was different. Very different.
"Rowen," he spoke again when there had been enough of an awkward silence between us.
"Yes?" I somehow found the courage to look up at him.
"You expect me to leave you here in the hands of your spymaster?" He looked intently at me. Every last bit of discomfort was clear off his face; he was serious. "I don't think I can do that."
"Orin,"
"If you're staying here, then I'm staying," he told me. "I won't leave."
"They won't let you," I said softly. "You know that."
"Then we go with my plan," he seemed to steel his resolve. I watched him take a few steps towards me and outstretch his hand, hoping I would take it.
And maybe I should have. Maybe we would have made it past Haskel and the others, made it into the street and away from the guards. If I'd taken his hand, maybe we would have been free.
Instead, I got up, and I hugged him one last time, unsure of when next I would see him.
He held me closely, a sign that he'd gotten my answer.
"Trust me," I told him anyway, "I'll be fine. You just be safe, okay?"
"I can't promise that," he replied while we yet held on tightly. "I will promise that I will find a way to get you out of here."
No doubt it would have been hard to manage being a slave himself, but somehow I believed him on account of his one-track mind.
When we separated for the last time, I urged him, "Don't do anything stupid and get yourself arrested or worse."
"Don't worry, I won't do anything 'stupid.'" He flashed me that grin that reminded me of the old days. I couldn't help but smile in response.
I left Orin standing there, and I dared not look back in fear that it would weaken my resolve.
I was going to make my way out of here in a way that wouldn't put Orin in danger, and for now that meant playing the spymaster's games.
When I exited the room to find Haskel standing watch, I knew, at least for now, I had made the right decision.
=^..^=
"I can see why you were so obsessed with him," Madame Selene had said as soon as I walked into the dressing room. "He's a very handsome young man."
I had no response to give her, not yet. The events that had transpired since I first walked into that room and saw him until the moment Haskel sent me on my way and walked in to retrieve Orin still played over and over again in my head.
"I trust it was a happy occasion, the two of you being reunited," she continued. "It doesn't have to be the last time."
As was probably her intention, that had piqued my interest. Madam Selene had never been one to beat around the bush, so that alone was suspicious.
"You're saying I can see him again?" I asked just as she was getting up from her chair and making her way over to me.
"All I would have to do is give the order," she replied before ushering me into a chair and grabbing a hairbrush.
"What do I need to do for you to-- give the order?" I asked after she'd made the first pass with the hairbrush through my increasingly long hair.
"The spymaster seems very interested in you," she spoke softly while gently wielding the brush. "I know he asked something of you last night. What was it?"
I hadn't been able to hide my hesitation because Madam Selene continued speaking only a moment later, "I told you you would never be equipped to attend to him. This is why. You wouldn't be the first girl to be used and discarded by him. You certainly won't be the last. Now I'm giving you another chance to tell me what he asked of you."
The whole time she spoke, she'd remained calmly brushing my hair. It unsettled me.
In truth, Orin's distrust of the arrangement had also shaken some of my own faith in the spymaster's offer.
And with Madam Selene holding access to my best friend hostage, there wasn't a chance I would have ever refused. No matter how much was uncertain, time with Orin was the one thing I could count on to always be good.
"You'll really let me see him?" I asked, unsure of where to place my trust.
"Against my better judgement," she replied, "if it was up to me, I would have you punished for lying to Lady Isolde, but alas, she considers the spymaster's interest in you something of value and is willing to go this far."
So for the second time that day, I revealed what had transpired the night before. Not that there had been much of it in the first place. Cassius and I hadn't exactly engaged in any real details.
"He doesn't trust you," Madam Selene had commented after I'd insisted nothing more had been said. "The kind of man he is, he likely foresaw you sharing this information with me."
"So, will you let me see Orin again?" I asked her just as she was arranging my hair to let the strands fall over my shoulder.
"In due time," she replied, "For now, focus on gaining his trust. Give him the information he wants, but report to me each time you do, and don't keep anything from me again, is that clear?"
I nodded.
"Excellent." She stepped away, seemingly pleased with both the smoothness of my hair and my response. "Go shower and get some rest. I want you on the floor today."
I turned sharply to face her, making no attempts to hide my uncertainty. It was hard enough being dressed like a girl and being put on display, but I was far from ready to be available to the guests. Not that I should ever be ready.
"Just remember everything I taught you," she offered an expression that told me she would hear no complaints. "Go now, get some rest. It's going to be an important night."
=^..^=
And so it was. So much was different that evening. For one, Selene had taken up the task to prepare me for the night ahead. My hair, face, nails, and everything received extra care tonight.
I was thankful at least for her assistance because I wasn't sure I'd have been able to manage it with how tense I was.
One by one, the other girls finished their routines and left the dressing room to populate the pavilion floor just before it was time for the doors to be opened.
Soon, it was just Madam Selene and I that remained. She worked as though she'd set out with a goal to make me irresistible, working the paint around my eyes, cheeks, and mouth with special precision.
It wasn't until I got to see myself in the polished mirror that I was faced with the fruits of her labor.
As I prepared to head out into the atrium, all I could think was what Orin would say if he saw me now.
=^..^=