Chapter 17, October 10th, 2025
Lucy stood in Grace’s gravel driveway in front of the beat up pickup. The three tall pines behind the trailer trees loomed dark against the fading greens of the hills in the distance.
The door of the trailer opened up and Grace pushed her way through the heavy blanket hanging in the doorway. She was wearing cotton shorts and a long Hello Kitty sleep shirt. Her hair was in pigtails. She looked like a kid who’d just gotten out of bed even though it was 2:30 PM.
Lucy held up the towel. “I wanted to return this,” she said.
Grace tilted her head. “You could have kept it.”
“Thanks,” Lucy said and stood there awkwardly.
“What do you want?” Grace asked.
Lucy stepped forward to the base of the trailer’s rickety stairs. “I’d like to talk.”
“About?” Grace spit back.
“Darren,” Lucy replied. Grace inhaled sharply ready to fire back, but Lucy cut her off, “No, I know nothing happened. Well I mean nothing happened between you.. Well I know he wasn’t cheating on me.”
Grace stared at her, “Okay?”
“I’ve known about… Darren’s,” Lucy stammered, “I’ve known about the stuff he was into, but I thought it was a phase. This last few weeks he’s changed, I don’t know what to do,” Lucy said.
Grace rolled her eyes, “Come in,” she said and pushed her way into the trailer.
Lucy followed her in and stood there awkwardly taking in the small living room.
“It looks like rainbow brite exploded in here,” she said.
Despite herself Grace giggled, “I guess you’re not into Kawaii?”
Lucy laughed, “Should I know that word?”
Grace shrugged, “Probably not, it’s like cute Japanese shit. I’m making tea, you want some?”
Lucy sat down on the couch, “Sure,” she replied.
Grace filled the kettle at the sink without looking at her. The trailer hummed with small sounds, the click of the burner, the faint rattle of the old refrigerator.
Lucy folded her hands together. Then unfolded them. Her eyes drifted around the room.
Nice framed art and neon signs glowing softly along one wall. And then she saw the television, it was huge. Too big for the space, still glossy, like it hadn’t been there long.
On the scarred coffee table sat a stack of oversized photo books, the kind you flipped through but never bought. A makeup palette lay open beside them, heavy, professional-looking. Lucy didn’t recognize the brand, but she knew it had to be more expensive than the one she bought at Wal-Mart. ‘How does she afford all this stuff?’ Grace thought.
She caught herself and looked away just as Grace handed her a steaming mug.
“Careful,” Grace said. “It’s hot.”
Lucy took it. “Thanks.”
The warmth grounded her back in the moment.
Grace sat down in an oversized recliner opposite of the small room and blew the top of her steaming tea. There was a moment of awkward silence.
“This is good tea,” Lucy said and took a sip.
“Yeah, only the best around here. So, you want me to be your trans whisperer?” Grace said with a grin.
Lucy smiled despite herself. “Okay, I always knew about… Sarah…. But I thought he was… well.”
“Well?” Grace said, raising her eyes.
Lucy took another sip and tried to not look so uncomfortable, “God this is harder than I thought it would be. I thought he was just, um.”
“A pervert?” Grace asked?.
“Yeah,” Lucy said.
Grace rolled her eyes, “That’s because your husband has spent most of his life believing that about himself.”
Lucy felt a tear in her eye, “I thought I was protecting him.”
Grace raised her hands, “Look, I’m not blaming you. You guys grew up in a different time, being trans probably felt like a bad punchline, or a weird science experiment. Whit didn’t have the language for the feelings he has, so he did what he needed to do to protect himself.”
Lucy stared into her tea.
“I grew up with the internet and found people who could help me online.”
Lucy took a sip and sat the mug down. “We made a deal. I told him he could experiment, but that I didn’t want to be involved. He has to keep it to himself. He seems so happy.”
Grace didn’t answer right away.
She watched Lucy over the rim of her mug, the way Lucy’s fingers stayed wrapped around it even after she’d set it down, like she needed the heat.
“It’s called gender euphoria, it can be loud at first,” Grace said finally. “Especially when it’s new.”
Lucy nodded. “That’s what scares me.”
Grace waited.
Lucy swallowed. “He keeps relaxing. Little things. The way he sits. The way he talks. He doesn’t seem… ashamed anymore.” Her voice wavered. “I don’t know if that’s a phase, or if it’s going to keep going.”
Grace tilted her head slightly. “What do you think happens if it keeps going?”
Lucy opened her mouth, then closed it. She looked down at her tea again.
“I don’t know how to ask this without sounding horrible,” she said.
“Try me,” Grace said. “People say horrible things to me all the time.”
Lucy let out a shaky breath. “Am I going to lose my husband?”
The words sat between them, heavy and plain.
Grace didn’t rush to answer.
“That’s the question you came here for,” she said quietly.
Lucy nodded, eyes glossy. “I’ve known for years that he was into some weird stuff. I’m sorry if this sounds horrible, but I thought it was like a sex fantasy.”
Grace nodded without judgement and Lucy turned unable to look at her. “It’s just…” She took a deep breath, “Well I’m sorry but it’s fucking weird, OK. I don’t mean for you. You got your shit together young and, but Darren’s a middle aged man. He told me he’s known since he was a kid, but why the fuck did he marry me then?”
Grace leaned forward a little and took her hand, “You can’t blame him, he grew up in a different time. Look, I know perverts, your husband is not one. He is a good person and he’s going through alot.”
Lucy wanted to withdraw her hand from the girl but fought the urge, she fought a tear, “I know, I know, but what if he’s making a mistake. This isn’t just his life he’s playing with.”
Grace took that in. She nodded once, slow. “Has he told you about autogynephilia?”
Lucy shook her head, “No, what’s that?”
“Okay,” she said. “Then I need to tell you something. About your husband, and about me too.”
Lucy looked up, and nodded.
Grace continued, “When your husband got the internet as a teenager he told me one of the first things he looked up was, ‘boys who want to be girls,’ and he found that term. “It’s basically this idea that if a guy wants to be a woman, it’s just because he’s turned on by the idea. Like it’s a fetish or something.”
Lucy nodded, “Is that what Whit has?”
Grace exhaled, “Look, I’m not a psychologist, but I read up on that and most of them think it’s bullshit. When you get dolled up, look in the mirror and feel good about yourself, do you get excited?”
Lucy, “Yeah, I think that’s natural.”
Grace smiled “Damn right it is. When Darren was trying to figure this out in the 90s the internet told him he had a disorder, like congrats you're broken. The internet told me I was a beautiful butterfly.” She rolled her eyes, “Yeah kind of lame, but I found tons of people like me who were themselves.”
Grace’s eyes turned inward, “I found a lot of hate too, but I noticed that most of it was stupid. Like all these people saying that we just were made that way because of schools pushing it. I don’t know about you, but my teachers were mostly assholes who made me want to disappear.”
Lucy nodded, remembering her less than stellar time in school.
“When my parents found out,” Grace said, choosing each word carefully, “they didn’t ask questions. They didn’t sit with me. They decided I was broken.”
Lucy’s brow furrowed. “Found out how?”
Grace’s mouth tightened. “I told them.”
There was a pause.
“They sent me to a conversion camp,” Grace said. “Lake Serenity Christian Counselling Camp, One of those places that promises to fix you if you pray hard enough and hate yourself enough.”
Lucy’s breath caught. “Jesus.”
“They told us the same thing every day,” Grace went on. “The devil was giving us false ideas. That if we stopped wanting the wrong things, everything would go back to normal. That we could keep our families and futures, if we behaved.”
She looked directly at Lucy now. “You know what that did to me?”
Lucy shook her head.
“It didn’t make me less trans,” Grace said. “It just made me better at lying. Better at disappearing.”
Lucy’s face crumpled slightly. “I’m sorry, that must have been horrible.”
Grace smiled, “Thanks. It wasn’t that bad at first. I made a plan, be what my parents wanted at home, be no one at school, and be myself online. I got so good at lying and sneaking that I started taking hormones secretly my Sophomore year.”
Lucy took a sip of her tea, “I guess you got caught?”
Grace checked messages on her phone before replying, “Yeah, and I had to run, but I ran to the wrong people.”
“No kid should have to go through that,” Lucy said.
Grace laughed out loud, “Tomorrow is my birthday, I’ll be 19.”
“Oh wow, Happy Birthday, are you doing anything special?” Lucy asked.
Grace shook her head, “I work tomorrow, and I…” her words trailed off.
Lucy looked up expecting to hear more, but Grace shook her head and took another drink of tea.
Lucy finished her cup and stood. “Thank you for talking to me, but there was one other reason for my visit. I want you to go back to Whit’s class. He misses you.”
Grace frowned, “The invitation I got from him wasn’t so welcoming.”
Lucy nodded, “OK, how about this, come have a birthday dinner with us,” Lucy thought for a second and then raised her head excitedly, “At John’s Cafe, tomorrow night. Our treat.”
Grace smiled, “Okay, can we all wear those pointy hats?”
“Umm, I guess I could go by Walp-Mart and.”
Grace laughed, “I’m kidding, no hats please.”