Featured BigCloset TopShelf author Hadley Morrow.
Chapter One — The Suitable Date
From behind the wheel of the idling car, Gwen Aldous watched Sam come down the dormitory steps in the rented tuxedo and felt something in her chest pull tight that she couldn't quite name.
He looked wrong in it. Not badly — the fit was good, she'd guessed his measurements three sizes of assumption ahead of asking — but wrong the way a borrowed accent is wrong, a costume worn by someone too honest to disappear into it. Sam Doyle in black tie still moved like Sam Doyle: shoulders a little squared against the cold, hands shoved in his pockets, taking the steps two at a time like a man who'd never in his life been told to slow down and be seen.
Sam never had time to slow down. He was at Blackwick on scholarship, and he worked a part-time job to make ends meet — a campus-services lanyard hung on a hook just inside his door. Three nights a week he ran a floor buffer through the marble halls of Aldous Library, which her great-great-grandfather had paid to build and which still had the family name cut over the entrance in letters a foot high. He had never once mentioned that to her, the library, though he must have known. That was the thing about Sam. He never once mentioned any of it.
He dropped into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut against the October dark, and the whole car suddenly smelled like rented wool and the cheap good soap he used.
"You're sure about this," he said. He plucked at the lapel like it might bite him. "Because I've never worn anything this expensive in my life. If I spill so much as a drop of wine on this, Gwen, I swear I'm taking extra shifts for a month to pay it off."
"You're not paying for anything." She put the car in gear. "And nobody's going to make you. That's sort of the entire point of tonight."
"Gwen, I'm not taking your money."
"You're doing me a favor. And I'll take care of any spilled wine. Don't try to fight me for it."
He laughed — that easy unbothered laugh of his, the one she'd first heard two years ago when she'd been crying in a stairwell over an exam and a custodian worth a fraction of her family's net worth had sat down on the step below her, not above, and said that bad, huh, and shared a terrible vending-machine coffee with her until she could breathe again. He hadn't known who she was. When he found out, three weeks into being friends, he hadn't changed by a single degree — hadn't gotten careful, hadn't gotten grabby, hadn't started angling for the things people always started angling for once they learned what Aldous meant. He'd just said huUH, the way you'd react to finding out someone was left-handed, and kept being exactly who he was.
That was why she'd asked him. Not because he needed the favor — Sam never took favors, you practically had to trick him into letting you buy him lunch — but because in two years at Blackwick he was the one person she trusted with the thing she was about to do. The only one.
She drove them out past the old quad, where the bell tower stood black against a blacker sky and the path lamps made small gold pools on stone that had been there four hundred years. Blackwick wore its age like the families wore theirs — quietly, certain it would never have to explain itself. To everyone outside the gates it was just an absurdly old, absurdly rich New England university, ivy and endowment and a hockey team. To the people inside the gates who mattered, in the particular Blackwick sense of the word, it was something older and more closed than that. A keeper of arrangements. A place where certain families had been sending certain children for two hundred years for reasons the brochures did not cover.
"All right," she said, when the dorms were behind them. "We're moving. Ask your questions."
***
"Walk me through it again," Sam said. "The whole thing. Pretend I'm slow."
"You're not slow."
"Pretend."
She breathed out. She had told him already — twice, once over the lunch he'd grudgingly let her buy and again the night before, in a quiet study room in the library — but she understood the impulse to hear a frightening plan said out loud one more time before you stepped into it.
"It's the Founders' dinner," she said. "The Harwick Compact does it every autumn. You won't have heard of the Compact, and that's correct — you're not supposed to have. Officially it's an alumni society, a philanthropic thing, very old, founded in 1889. Unofficially it's the machine that's kept the same dozen families braided into this university since before there were cars. My family is one of them. My grandmother lives for this dinner every year."
"Okay."
"The Founders' dinner is where the families show themselves to each other once a year. Who's risen, who's slipped, whose children are turning out. And there's a thing at the center of it — they don't call it this, but that's what it is — about continuance. The bloodlines. Whose line is going forward and how. The whole evening is one long quiet audit of the future of the old families." Her hands tightened on the wheel. "And part of being audited, if you're a girl my age and an Aldous, is that you are expected to arrive on the arm of someone suitable. A young man of the right kind of family. It's how you signal that your line continues. That you're a safe place to put the future."
"Right," Sam said. "And you don't have one of those."
"I have never had one of those." She kept her eyes on the road. "It's not — Sam, it isn't that there weren't offers. My grandmother has produced a parade of suitable young men since I was sixteen. Claverings and Whitmores and a truly unbearable Ashford. Believe me, the supply of suitable boys is not the problem."
"Then what's—" He stopped. She felt him look at her. He was quicker than people gave the floor-buffer kid credit for.
"The problem," she said, to the windshield, "is that I have never once found one I wanted. Not one. And the longer I sit through these dinners, the less I can stand the whole archaic shape of it — that I should have to manufacture a suitor at all. That I should have to stand next to some boy I don't respect, let alone love, and smile, so a room full of people can feel reassured about my bloodline, like I'm a mare with good papers." Her hands tightened on the wheel. "I shouldn't have to. Nobody should."
That was true. All of it was true. It simply wasn't the whole of it, and the whole of it she kept where she always kept it — folded up small and silent behind her sternum, in the place she didn't open in moving cars or anywhere else. Because the real reason was simpler and far more dangerous than any objection to tradition. It wasn't that she hadn't found the right man. It was that there was no right man to find, and there never would be. What she wanted — what she had always wanted, since long before she'd let herself put the word to it — was a girl. She had never once said that sentence aloud in her life. She was not going to start now, in the dark, an hour out from the single room on earth where it could do the most damage.
Sam was quiet for a moment, watching the headlights unspool the lane ahead. "You shouldn't have to do any of it," he said finally. Simple, certain, like a remark about the weather. And then he let it sit — didn't ask the next question, the obvious one, the so what is it you do want, then — just let the silence stay a silence and looked out at the dark with her.
She was grateful for it, the way she was always grateful for the things Sam somehow knew not to reach for. His manners, she told herself. Just his good, plain manners. She put both hands back on the wheel and let the unasked question dissolve into the night.
"Okay," she said, after a while. "Now for the rings."
She nodded at the small box sitting on the console between them, and Sam picked it up and opened it. Two plain dark bands lay inside on a square of old velvet, a matched pair, nearly identical. He'd seen them last night in the library, but he looked at them again the way you look at something you're about to trust with your skin.
"You know all this," she said — and she did know he knew; she said it anyway, for her own nerves as much as anything, walking the plan out loud one more time. "They're a family heirloom. My great-grandmother was given them when she was a student here, at Blackwick, a hundred years ago — by someone in the Compact, the story's gone soft around the edges. They've passed down ever since, mother to daughter. They've sat in a box in my mother's dressing room my whole life, and nobody's worn them since my great-grandmother died, because of what they do."
"Which is the part," Sam said, "that I'm choosing to believe because it's you telling me."
"They change a person. Their appearance. One ring directs, one ring receives." She tapped the band already on her own hand, then the twin still in the box. "Whoever wears the directing ring can shape whoever wears the other one — features, build, all of it — and hold it there by will. I'm going to wear this one. You're going to wear that one. And I'm going to turn you into the appropriate suitor for the night." She took a breath. "I'll be honest with you, the way I was last night: I don't fully understand them. I've got my great-grandmother's notes and what Della told me and that's the whole of my education. I've tested it. It works. But I can't promise you I know where the edges are."
"Della's the one who helped you get them out."
"Della's been my family's housekeeper since before I was born. She — " Gwen's throat did something complicated. "She figured me out years before I had words for it. She never said a thing, she just knew, and when I told her I needed the rings and couldn't explain why, she went into my mother's dressing room and got them and put them in my hand and said be careful, and bring them home. She understood. She's the only one in that whole house who ever has."
She pulled the car off the lane into the dark beneath the bare trees, a hundred yards short of the hall, where the windows already glowed gold and the first cars were disgorging the first furs. She put it in park. She did not turn off the engine.
"So here's the whole of it," she said, turning to face him. "I'm going to put the other ring on you. And I'm going to change you — not into a disguise, into a person. A young man no one in that room has ever seen, from no family they can place, so that when I introduce you there's nothing for anyone to grab onto. If I walked Sam Doyle in there, half of them would know your face from the library and the other half would spend the night working out exactly what you are and why I'd brought you, and it would be worse than coming alone." She softened. "I need you to be a stranger. A handsome, forgettable, entirely suitable stranger on my arm for three hours. And then we go home and I put the rings back in the box and it never happened."
Sam looked down at the ring in the box, then back at her. "You're sure this isn't going to hurt?"
"I don't think so," she said. "But we're going to find out — if you're still willing."
He held out his hand, palm up, without a beat of hesitation.
"Trust me?" she asked.
"With my life," he said, like it was obvious. "Always have. Put it on."
She slid the ring onto his finger. Plain dark band, heavier than it looked. Its mate was already on her own hand, and the moment the pair was complete she felt the connection close between them like a circuit, a low warmth running ring to ring.
"This might feel strange," she said. "Try not to fight it."
"Wasn't planning to."
She had pictured him already. Lying awake the night before, she'd built the young man piece by piece the way you'd describe someone to a sketch artist — older than Sam by a year or two, taller, the kind of jaw the Whitmore boys had, dark hair worn a little long in the way the Compact set thought of as artistic and therefore acceptable, a face handsome enough to be plausible on her arm and bland enough to slide straight out of memory. She fixed that picture in her mind, and she pressed it down the warm thread between the rings, and she willed it onto him.
The change came over Sam like a tide coming in.
It started at his jaw. She watched the faint roughness of it smooth and the line firm and square, settling into something cut clean and certain. His hair darkened a half-shade and lengthened, falling into an artful sweep he'd never have bothered with himself. She watched the small white scars she knew on his knuckles — work scars, real ones — go pale and then go entirely, the hands lengthening, refining, becoming hands that had never run a buffer down a marble hall in their life. His shoulders drew back and widened a degree inside the rented jacket until the jacket stopped looking rented and started looking his. Even the way he sat reorganized itself under her attention — the wary economy of a boy who'd learned to take up as little room as possible unspooling, limb by limb, into the loose entitled ease of someone who had never once in his life been told he didn't belong.
She held the picture steady and shaped him to it, degree by degree, and it was easier than it should have been — the ring seemed almost eager, leaning into her intention, filling in the parts she hadn't thought to specify with a fluency that was its own small chill. In perhaps ten seconds it was done.
The young man in the passenger seat was a stranger. A good-looking, well-bred, completely unremarkable stranger, exactly as designed. And Gwen sat very still, because under the satisfaction was something that surprised her — a thread of guilt, sharp and unexpected, that she had reached into her friend and rubbed out the scars and the carefulness and every honest mark of the actual life he lived, just so a room full of people who'd never deserve to know him would find him acceptable. She'd erased Sam. That had been the whole assignment, and she'd done it well, and it sat in her like a swallowed stone.
"There," she said, more quietly than she meant to.
The stranger blinked, lifted one of the new unfamiliar hands, and turned it over in the dashboard light. Then he reached up and tilted the rearview mirror toward himself, and went still looking at the face that wasn't his.
"Huh," he said. The voice came out lower than Sam's, smoother, a stranger's voice with just the ghost of him underneath it. He tipped his head, considering. "How do I look?"
"Suitable," she said. The word tasted strange. "You look suitable, Sam."
The stranger's mouth — that wasn't Sam's mouth, but the grin that crossed it absolutely was — curved up at one corner. He pushed the mirror back into place.
"Tonight," he said, "you'd better call me Samuel. It sounds more uppity. More like a fella who belongs at this thing." He sat up a little straighter, doing a passable impression of every Whitmore she'd ever suffered through a dinner beside.
"Uppity." She bit back a smile despite everything. "You are not uppity."
"Gwendolyn." He laid a hand over his heart, mock-wounded. "I am the most uppity. I summer somewhere. I have opinions about boat hulls. I find this Pinot insolent."
"You most certainly are not — "
"I most certainly am."
A laugh got out of her, real and surprised, the first easy thing she'd felt all day, and the guilty stone in her chest loosened just enough to let her breathe. She reached over and straightened his collar with two fingers, the way she'd straighten a real date's, and let her hand rest there a half-second longer than she needed to.
"Careful, Samuel," she said, soft and playful, "or I'll change my mind and turn you into something else entirely. A footman. A coat rack. A particularly handsome lamp."
"You wouldn't. You need an arm." He looked at her then — really looked, for the first time since he'd gotten in the car — and whatever performance he'd been building dropped clean off his face for a second. "You look incredible, Gwen," he said, plain and unguarded, the way Sam looked at things he found beautiful. "Like you're about to win a war."
The compliment landed somewhere she didn't let herself examine. She'd dressed for the opposite of being seen: the deep midnight-blue gown was the kind of thing a girl wore when she wanted the eye to land on the dress and slide right off the girl, and the diamonds at her throat were real and old and cold, her grandmother's, and her dark hair was pinned up to leave the long clean line of her neck for the room to approve of. Armor, all of it. Built to be looked at and never quite seen. Sam had looked at it and seen her anyway. He always did, which was the entire problem and the entire point of him.
"I'm about to survive a dinner," she said. "Same thing, where I'm from." She turned the key the rest of the way and killed the engine, and for one last second she sat in the dark with the only person who knew the truth about her. "Ready?"
Instead of answering, he got out.
She watched the stranger she'd made come around the front of the car through the path-lamp light, unhurried, easy in the rented black tie as though he'd been born in it. He opened her door and offered her his hand. She took it — and let him hand her up out of the low seat, the gesture so natural she half forgot he had never once done it before — and when she was standing he settled her hand into the crook of his arm.
"Lead the way, Gwendolyn," he said, the easy smile fixed in place and Sam's steady eyes looking out from behind the stranger's. "Let's go be suitable."
Together they crossed into the cold gold light, and Gwen Aldous walked her best friend through the doors of the Harwick Compact's Founders' dinner, and for one whole hour, it was the loveliest lie she had ever told.
[End of Chapter One]
Chapter Two — The First Slip
Inside, the hall was all candle and old silver.
Gwen had been coming to the Founders' dinner since she was small enough to be left with the coats, and the sight of it still did something to the back of her neck — the long table laid the length of the room, the family crests worked into the plaster overhead, the portraits of dead founders watching from the dark paneling with the same patient, proprietary attention the living ones turned on each other. Two hundred guests and not one wasted glance. At the head of it all sat Constance Ashworth, ancient and upright and entirely undimmed, the woman the whole Compact arranged itself around the way iron filings arrange themselves around a magnet. To be looked at by Constance Ashworth was to be priced.
And tonight, for the first time in eleven years of these dinners, Gwen walked in not braced for the looking but almost — almost — enjoying it. Because the man on her arm was perfect.
She felt it the moment they crossed the threshold: the small warm hum of the ring doing its work, reading the room and tuning Samuel to it beat by beat, a live performance with no performer behind it. When the Whitmores' eyes went to him, his spine found exactly the right half-inch of straightness. When old Marsh asked him, testing, whose people he belonged to, the answer arrived in his mouth before Sam could possibly have known to give it — an old name and a thin, plausible lineage, a branch of one of the founding houses that had gone abroad two generations back and quietly stayed there, connected enough to belong in the room and distant enough that no one present could contradict a word of it.
It very nearly came apart once, early. A Whitmore aunt with a memory like a steel trap held Samuel's hand a beat too long and said she was almost certain she'd known his grandmother, at the lake, the summer of the bad storm — and Gwen's heart stopped, because there was no grandmother, no lake, no storm, only a ring improvising a man out of her own wishful thinking. But Samuel only smiled and said how strange, his grandmother had always sworn she'd never set foot near that lake in her life, she'd hated the water — and the aunt laughed, delighted, certain now that she remembered exactly the woman, and drifted off pleased with her own recall. Gwen breathed again. The ring had not just answered; it had answered with a lie that flattered the asker into agreeing with it. She filed that small chill away with the others and kept moving. He laughed at the correct moments. He held his glass at the correct angle. He was a young man from no family anyone could quite place and every family wanted to, and Gwen moved through the room beside him, her hand at his arm, feeling for once like she might actually get out the other side of the evening whole.
Her grandmother found them by the second turn around the room, the way she always found the thing that mattered most.
"Gwendolyn." A dry kiss beside her cheek, the old perfume, the cold weight of inherited diamonds answering Gwen's own. And then the appraisal — the slow head-to-foot sweep her grandmother gave anything she was deciding the value of, the look that had reduced grown men to stammering. She turned it on Samuel and held it there.
Gwen's stomach dropped. This was the moment the whole plan lived or died on — her grandmother had spent eighty years learning to spot a thing that didn't belong.
But Gwen had her hand on Samuel's arm, and she felt the ring answer the appraisal in real time. Felt him adjust under the old woman's stare: the chin finding precisely the right angle, the easy unhurried words arriving — a pleasure, Mrs. Aldous; Gwen's told me almost nothing about tonight, which I gather is the point — a little dry, a little deferential, pitched exactly to a woman who despised flattery and adored being understood. Her grandmother's mouth approved a fraction of an inch.
"Well," she said. "At least this one can speak." And she moved on, satisfied, to be terrifying elsewhere, and Gwen let out a breath she felt like she'd been holding since September.
"She likes me," Samuel murmured, leaning close, the stranger's smile in place and Sam's wicked delight warm underneath it. "I'm going to be
insufferable about this later."
"You're going to be quiet about this later," she said, but she was smiling, helpless and relieved, and his hand found hers and laced their fingers together for the benefit of the room, and it felt — she let herself have this one thought — it felt easy. It felt like she imagined it might feel, someday, to walk into a room beside someone and not be performing a single thing.
And for a little while, she let herself have it.
They moved through the rest of the first hour the way she'd never once moved through one of these evenings — together, unhurried, a unit. Samuel was a genius of small talk now, the ring feeding him names and connections and exactly the right degree of interest, and it left Gwen free, for the first time in her life inside this hall, to simply be beside someone instead of bracing alone. When a Whitmore cousin trapped them by the cold fireplace with twenty minutes of inheritance grievance, Samuel listened with grave attention and then, the instant the man turned away, murmured I would rather be buried in that fireplace than hear the rest of that so quietly and so drily that Gwen had to turn a laugh into a cough behind her hand. When the string quartet started something mournful, he leaned in and said it sounded like the music a portrait would choose, and they spent a stolen minute deciding which of the dead founders on the wall would have had the worst taste, and for that minute she forgot, entirely, to be afraid.
The way Sam — Samuel, the stranger, whoever he was tonight — made a room she'd dreaded her whole life feel briefly survivable, even warm, just by being in it with her and being, underneath all the borrowed polish, exactly himself gave her a moment to let her guard down. She leaned into the ease of him. She stopped holding everything shut.
***
The Clavering boy cornered them near the windows over the second hour.
Hugh Clavering was twenty-two and already wore the particular Clavering certainty that the world had been built slightly in his honor, and he had decided, on no evidence, that Samuel was a man worth talking to. He talked about rowing. He talked about it the way the Compact boys talked about everything they did — as though the listener had been waiting their whole life to hear it — and Gwen felt the ring rise to the occasion beneath her hand, watched Samuel field a sport he had certainly never pulled an oar for in his life with a fluency that should have frightened her and instead just made her proud, absurdly, of a borrowed competence she'd half-built herself.
"—stroke seat the whole spring," Hugh was saying, "though between us the coach hadn't the first idea what he was doing with the rigging—"
"Mm," said Samuel, in the tone of a man who had opinions about rigging and was too well-bred to share them, and Hugh lit up like he'd found a
brother.
Gwen's attention drifted. She'd earned a moment of drift, she thought — Samuel had this, the ring had this, the evening was, impossibly, going well — and she let her eyes wander the room for thirty seconds without the whole structure collapsing. Warm, unguarded, pleasantly tired, her hand loose in his.
That was when she saw the girl.
She was standing near the tall windows at the cold end of the room, a little apart from the cluster she'd come with, holding a glass of something pale and not drinking it. Gwen didn't know her — not a face from any of the families, or if she was, a cousin, a guest, someone new — and that was part of it, the not-knowing, the clean uncomplicated fact of a stranger's loveliness with no history attached to spoil it. She had a quiet, amused way of standing, weight on one hip, a faint private smile, as though she found the whole gilded performance of the evening a little ridiculous and was keeping the opinion to herself. Gwen, who found the whole evening more than a little ridiculous and had spent eleven years keeping it to herself, felt the recognition land somewhere low and unguarded — oh, you see it too — before she'd decided to feel anything at all.
And then she just kept looking, which was the dangerous part. Because Gwen so rarely let herself. In a room like this she lived behind glass, every glance rationed and redirected before it could cost her, and here — softened by the wine, by the ease of Samuel, by a whole hour of forgetting to be afraid — the glass was simply gone. She let herself look at the girl the way she never, ever let herself look at anyone: openly, hungrily, with the specific starved attention of a person who has wanted in secret for so long that permission feels like falling. The line of her throat. The way the candlelight sat on her bare shoulder. The private smile.
Because she was Gwen, because this was the particular shape her wanting always took, careful and sidelong and fixed on the small things — her eye went to the girl's hands.
They were beautiful. Long-fingered, fine-boned, the kind of hands that looked like they ought to be doing something with a pen or a bow across strings, and she held the untouched glass loosely by the rim, the stem balanced between two fingers, the nails neat and pale and oval. Gwen watched the way her thumb moved idly against the glass. She watched too long. She knew she was watching too long, in a room built entirely out of people who made their living from noticing, and she could not quite make herself stop, because it had been such a long time since she had simply let herself look at something she wanted. The girl was beautiful. She was right there, and no one — she thought — no one was watching her watch.
Stop, she told herself. Eyes front. You are holding your date's hand.
She was, in fact, holding her date's hand. And it was at that exact moment that her date's hand began to change.
She felt it before she understood it: a shifting against her palm, a fineness coming into the fingers laced through hers, the breadth of the grip drawing in, the warmth and weight of it going lighter, slighter, different. For one confused half-second she didn't even alarm. The ring had been adjusting Samuel all night — tuning him to the room, to the conversation, feeding him rowing and rigging and the right half-inch of spine. She thought, dimly, that it must be doing it again. That Hugh had said something, that the talk had turned, that the ring was simply adapting Samuel to whatever this corner of the evening required, the way it had adapted him to her grandmother.
Then she looked down at the hand in hers, and the floor went out from under the thought.
Because it was not adapting to Hugh, or to the room, or to anything anyone in that hall had said. The hand laced through her fingers was long now, and fine-boned, the grip drawn delicate, the nails coming in neat and pale and oval — and Gwen's gaze snapped up and across the room to the girl by the windows, to the untouched glass balanced loosely between two long fingers, to the neat pale oval nails, and back down again to the hand she was holding, and the two were the same.
The ring had not been reading the room at all.
It had been reading her.
It had felt exactly where her eyes had gone, and exactly how long they'd stayed, and exactly what the wanting underneath them wanted — and it had reached into the man on her arm and begun, with that same eager fluency she'd half-noticed in the car, to give it to her. To remake him, finger by finger, into the thing she'd been caught looking at.
The fear hit her all at once, cold and total, a drench of it from her scalp to her heels. She was standing in the middle of the Compact's Founders' dinner — two hundred of the most watchful people alive arranged around this room, her grandmother thirty feet away, Constance Ashworth at the head of the table missing nothing — and she was holding the hand of a stranger that was quietly, helplessly turning into a woman's hand inside her own. How much of it? How far up? Was it only the hand? Had anyone seen? Had the girl seen, had Hugh, was the wrongness already climbing past the cuff where the whole room could read it?
Her heart slammed so hard she felt it in her teeth. She did this. She'd let her eyes wander for thirty seconds, let herself want one stupid uncomplicated thing for the length of one breath, and the ring had taken the wanting and started spending her best friend's body to pay for it, right here, in front of everyone, where being found out did not mean embarrassment, it meant the end of everything she'd spent eleven years holding shut.
"—wouldn't you say, Samuel?" Hugh was looking at him, waiting, expectant.
"Mm," said Samuel easily, on autopilot, the ring carrying him.
He hadn't felt a thing. He didn't know. He was standing there charming a Clavering with a stranger's borrowed grace while his hand turned into someone else's in Gwen's grip, and the not-knowing of it — that she'd done this to him, without his having any idea — was almost worse than the danger.
She closed her own hand hard around the changed one, swallowing it out of sight, and turned her body a half-step to put herself between it and the room. Push it back, she told herself, over the roar of her own pulse. The way you practiced. Fix it now, before it climbs, before anyone — fix it now. She fixed her smile until her face ached, and bent every scrap of her attention down into the small warm circuit of the rings, and tried, in a hall full of people who made their living from noticing, to remember how to breathe.
[End of Chapter Two]
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