Becoming Robin By Zoe Taylor How it all Began -/- The Girl Next Door   “Is this the Smith residence?” A professional-sounding female voice asked. “Yes ma’am,” I responded as politely as I could to make up for my earlier ‘oops’. “How may I help you?” “Is this Robert Smith? My name’s Sharon. I’m a 9-1-1 dispatcher.” I could feel the blood drain from my face. “What’s going on?” I asked, failing miserably at my attempts to contain the panic I felt welling up within already.

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Preface: This is a story I originally started over a year ago. I could never revise it to the satisfaction of myself or my proofreaders, and eventually I gave up on it. Real life got in the way, and I set aside writing entirely for awhile.

Recently I came "home"; I wanted to start writing again, so I revived the original project, but started re-writing from the ground up with mostly new characters.

I do want to thank three people specifically. First, I want to thank Angela Rasch and Holly Logan. I learned a lot from chatting with them, and they are invaluable resources for anyone who wishes to improve their writing.

I also want to thank Megan Campbell, whose ongoing serial, Sarah Carerra inspired a scene toward the end that wrapped up a final plot hole that kept me from finishing this. ;-)

On a final note, this is as close to finished as it's going to get. I may edit my later chapters again at some point, but I feel comfortable with where this stands as a first publish. It's 24 chapters long though, so I'm going to be publishing it in segments of 1-2 chapters at a time.

Thank you, and I hope you enjoy my humble first offering to the Top Shelf!

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Chapter 1 - How It All Began...
The humidity hung in the air outside, an almost tangible, foreboding haze in the late evening, but I sat safely in my living room, enjoying my favorite pastime. For tonight I’d chosen a silk hunter green blouse with a black skirt, hose, and 2” patent heels. I always figured if I was going to dress like a girl, I may as well try and look my best.

I never understood my feminine pursuits. I did know that this was pretty far from normal ‘boy’ behavior, but I was always too afraid to talk to anyone about it, even Mom or my big sister Margie, so I just resolved to be very, very careful.

The day my life turned upside-down had started like any other. Mom and I had spent the day grocery shopping, and because the night shift at the hospital was spread thin, she had volunteered to work some overtime, leaving me to my own devices for the evening.

Summer vacation had just begun, and I planned to enjoy it for all I could. Ever a shy kid, I didn’t have many friends either: at least, not any that I would want to invite over. I always felt too afraid they might find out about my secret. More than that, I never really felt comfortable in a social situation with someone I hadn’t known my whole life.

I had just begun to get comfortable, sitting mostly upright with my legs curled beneath me. I had my favorite book in-hand, with a glass of chilled red cream soda sitting on the coffee table, under a well-used cork coaster.

The local DJ came up on the station the stereo was tuned to, yammering about up and coming singers when the phone rang, sending my book flying one way, and my feet the other. I barely managed to catch my balance to keep from toppling off the overstuffed furniture onto the hardwood floor.

I shivered a little at the resounding ‘click!’ from my shoes as I planted my feet, even as I reached for the offending appliance. I grabbed the stereo remote with my other hand, muting it first. Mom liked to call when she was away like this, so I naturally figured it was her calling to tell me to be in bed within the hour.

“Yes Mom,” I began, in the most dramatic, whiny voice I could manage. I wish I hadn’t. Oh, how I wish I hadn’t.

“Is this the Smith residence?” A professional-sounding female voice asked.

“Yes ma’am,” I responded as politely as I could to make up for my earlier ‘oops’. “How may I help you?”

“Is this Robert Smith? My name’s Sharon. I’m a 9-1-1 dispatcher.”

I could feel the blood drain from my face. “What’s going on?” I asked, failing miserably at my attempts to contain the panic I felt welling up within already.

“In a few minutes, there’s going to be a police officer at your door, Officer John Mitchell. I want you to stay on the line with me until he gets there, alright?” Now I knew something was wrong.

About this point I realized I was still dressed. I quietly thanked myself for having never experimented with makeup, my strawberry red toenails aside, as I raced upstairs.

“Robert? Are you still with me?” Apparently she hadn’t heard me cursing under my breath as I nearly tripped on the last step, on my way to frantically change.

“I’m still here. I just got out of the shower and needed to get my clothes.” I lied, but it was at least only a half-lie.

In a whirlwind of chaos I threw on a baggy T-shirt and jeans then bolted back down the stairs. Faded, worn out sneakers in one hand, and the phone in the other, I moved to the window by the door, brushing the venetian blinds and cream-colored curtain aside. A squad car sat with lights still flashing in our driveway; a tall, portly man in a police uniform waited at the door, preparing to knock.

“He’s here.” I spoke into the receiver as evenly as I could, as I opened the door.

“Alright, sweetie, I’m going to go ahead and let you go. You take care.”

“Excuse me miss.” The officer began the moment I pulled open the art-deco-etched door. Ordinarily I’d frown, clear my throat, or some other attempt at putting on a masculine façade, but I was just too worried to care right now.

Ever since I started letting my hair grow, everyone had been calling me ‘Miss’ or ‘young lady’. It’s not that I minded, really, but pretending to be offended got old a long time ago, plus I had bigger problems right now. In retrospect, the fact I wasn’t wearing socks, with those bright toenails probably didn’t help my case.

“Is my mom okay?” I interrupted him. I could tell after I spoke, that he put two and two together and realized his mistake, though neither of us really cared to correct it by this point.

“Your mom was in an accident. When they took her in she was in critical condition.”

The phone, my sneakers, and quite possibly my jaw, hit the floor at the same time. Officer Mitchell, to his credit, attempted to diffuse the situation before I could have a total nervous breakdown right there in the doorway.

“The paramedics advised that she was being rushed into surgery, but I don’t have any more information about her condition.”

“H-how did it happen?” I stuttered in a quivering tone. My hands were already shaking at this point.

“We have investigators on the scene trying to determine that right now.” I could tell he was holding something back, but I had a more relevant concern right now.

“I have to get to the hospital!” I wailed. What can I say? I’ve never made a very good ‘boy’.

“That’s why I’m here, actually. I was patrolling that neighborhood when the call came through so I was the first on-scene. I ran her license and registration after they loaded her up, and notified the 9-1-1 dispatch to call ahead and let you know I’d be coming, and under the circumstances, offer you a ride if you wanted.” He paused, offering me a genuinely sympathetic smile.

Mitchell was a gritty street cop of the finest bad detective novel category. His haggard, dark face reminded me of the guy from the Lethal Weapon movies who always complained about his younger partner. I didn’t really have time to dwell on it though. He turned, motioning a hand toward the waiting squad car.

“Can I get some things first? I’ll just be a second,” I pleaded, to which he nodded, turning to return to his car. I dashed back inside.

It didn’t take me long to get what I’d gone in for, though. I snatched my empty purple backpack from my room and threw my mp3 player, a couple of magazines, and most importantly my cell phone inside, zipping it up even as my bare feet sprinted across the upstairs carpeting.

I was back downstairs and out the door, sneakers and backpack in hand, in record time. I half-heartedly planted my feet in my sneakers, a nearly worn-out old pair of cross-trainers with a hole beginning to work its way into the material above my big toe.

As I sat in the passenger side of the squad car, a light drizzle began to collect on the windshield. I couldn’t help but sigh as I silently stared out. Off in the distance, a clap of thunder rumbled. It was going to be a long night.

As we neared the hospital, I dug out my cell phone. I put off this call for as long as possible because I just didn’t want to say the words. My half-sister needed to know what happened, though. She was the only family I had.

“Margie?” I said meekly. I was almost in tears, as a sleepy voice answered.

“Robert? Do you know what time it is here? Wait a minute. Are you crying?” Her tone suddenly took a much more serious, and concerned pitch. “What’s wrong?”

“I-it’s momma. She’s been in an accident.” I stuttered out. As the squad car rolled to a stop outside the hospital, I completely lost it. I handed the phone to Officer Mitchell, and proceeded to bury my face in my hands. I could still hear my sister’s voice frantically over the phone as the officer accepted it.

“Robert?! What’s going on!?”

“Hello?” He began, “Ma’am, this Is Officer John Mitchell with the thirty-second precinct, San Francisco Police Department. Whom am I addressing?”

“Oh my God. What’s going on? Is Robert okay?! And Linda?!” He winced, pulling the phone away from his ear as she harped frantically.

“Ma’am, please calm down. Robert’s okay. He’s here with me. Linda Smith was in a car accident, and has been rushed into surgery. I’m at the hospital now with her son Robert.”

I couldn’t hear the rest of the conversation from Margie’s side, but between sobs I did manage to catch the gist of it based on Officer Mitchell’s responses. When he finished, he stared at the phone long enough to find the End button, then passed it back to me.

“Your sister says she’ll be on the next flight out. Meantime, is there anyone you can stay with?”

I just shook my head. “Our neighbors are getting their house renovated while they’re in Europe, and the house on the other side’s been up for sale for months. I don’t really know the people across the road that well…” I trailed off, trying my best to dry my eyes and put forth some semblance of an appearance of male pride.

The funny thing is dressing like a girl was one of the ways I dealt with stress. Everything just seemed easier to deal with for some reason. Unfortunately I didn’t want to risk being stuck at a hospital wearing panties under my jeans for an extended period where someone might notice, so I’d changed into boxer shorts while on the phone with the dispatcher earlier.

He nodded, “Well, maybe they can get you set up with a cot in her room if you want once she’s out of surgery. You want me to walk you in?”

I just shook my head as I opened the door. To my credit, I managed a weak “Thanks.” as I closed the door. I know it was rude, but I was just too upset to care.

Mom was in surgery for several hours. I had brought a couple of magazines to keep my mind occupied, but unfortunately blew through those in no time, so I found myself just sitting in the third floor waiting room after awhile, staring out at the dreary night sky as rain continued to pelt the odd car passing by on the street.

Margie called me twice, first to let me know she was on her way into New Haven, then to let me know her flight schedule, and twice hospital staff asked me if I needed anything, but other than that, I was largely uninterrupted. I expected for a hospital this size, that there would’ve been at least one or two more people in the empty waiting room. I glanced at the clock on the far wall. The generic, black numbers-on-white-face declared it midnight.

I must have dozed off because the next thing I knew there was a gentle hand on my shoulder, and a young woman standing over me. Between the haze from my restless nap in a stiff hospital waiting room chair, and the way she was standing, with the fluorescent light casting her and her blonde ringlets in a slight silhouette, I mumbled softly. “Are you an angel?” I stared for a moment or two, letting my eyes adjust as she smiled and knelt in front of me.

She smiled at my question, “Robert? I’m Kelly. I’m a med student graduate and intern here,” she began. I couldn’t help feeling that name sounded familiar somehow. “I worked under your mom.” A slender hand with hot pink nail polish, I observed while trying not to look like I was staring at it, reached out to push the hair out of my face. “Linda’s out of surgery now. We’re going to move her to a room in the intensive care ward. Normally we don’t allow anyone under sixteen, but I managed to get them to look the other way.”

I smiled faintly. I could have hugged her. “So she’s okay now?” I asked, hopeful.

Her frown suggested otherwise. “I’m afraid not, sweetie. The damage was pretty bad.” I think she could see that I was about to break down because she leaned in and put her arms around me. I just put my head on her shoulder, sniffling as I tried not to completely lose it.

As she pulled back again, she continued. “She’s in a coma. The doctors are monitoring her brain function, but wanted to hold off on anymore tests until they get her stabilized. Unfortunately, we have no way of knowing when she’s going to wake up. It could be a couple of days, a couple of weeks…” She cut herself off at that point, apparently sensing that saying “months” would be a bad idea.

“I can take you back to see her if you want. Do you have somewhere you can stay tonight, though?”

I shook my head. “My sister’s flying in from Connecticut to be with me, but I don’t have anyone else.”

I watched the ringlet-laden ponytail bounce as Kelly crooked her head ever-so-slightly. She wanted to say something, I think, but whatever it was remained unspoken. Nodding instead, she offered her hand.

“You can stay in her room then, but just for tonight. When your sister arrives, the doctors are going to want to have a word with her too.”

“Hey…” I said meekly, as I accepted her hand, pulling myself up and grabbing my backpack.

“Mmm?”

“You said you’re an intern, right?” I asked, as she began leading me through the winding corridors, glassed-in half-halls, and other intimidating areas.

“That’s right. I’m working on certification though.”

“So… Why are you telling me all this instead of one of the doctors?” It took her a moment to answer, as she led me down a long hallway to the nearest elevators. The hum of machinery seemed almost ear-shattering in comparison to the silence that pervaded us. Why hadn’t she answered yet?

“Actually, I volunteered to deliver the news. I went to college with your sister, Margie, and Linda was kind of like a second mother to me. We keep things professional during work hours, but I still respected her a lot for being able to raise a son while doing this job.” She paused, adding a moment later, “Oh, please don’t take that the wrong way. I just meant--” I gave her a small smile.

“It’s okay, Kelly. I know what you meant. How’d you go to college with Margie though, if you’re still not certified?”

She gave a wry smile in response, “That’s my fault. I didn’t originally want to study medicine. I wanted to study meteorology, but my heart just wasn’t in it. I wanted to actually help people, so mid-way through I changed my major and started fresh.” I nodded. I don’t think I really understood a word she said at that point. I was just so numb, and I wanted some human connection. I did vaguely recall Kelly now, but I’d only met her once, just before she and my sister left for their backpacking trip across Europe a few years ago.

The rest of the night, into the next morning passed uneventfully. Nurses would come in and check this machine or that tube, and Kelly came in to sit with me before running off again. For my part I spent most of the next day asleep. I hadn’t slept much that night, and what little rest I did get was fitful at best.

Around two in the afternoon, I awoke to another hand gently nudging me. I rubbed my eyes as I yawned, slowly sitting up on the cot that was my temporary bed.

“Hi kiddo.” My sister offered in a comforting tone, as she put her arms around me. I squeezed her waist, burying my face in her shoulder. By this point, I had cried all I could. I didn’t have anything more to cry, or so I thought.

“Hi Margie,” I responded quietly. While I got our dad’s black hair, Margie was blessed to have her mother’s fiery Irish red. Between the two of them we both inherited rich, jade eyes. Her hair was a lot longer than I remember it being, though we hadn’t actually seen each other in a few years, so she could’ve said the same about mine, and shortly did.

“Wow, you’ve really grown. And check out that hair,” she said in a playful, but soft tone. As she sat on the cot beside me, she quietly gazed at the battered, unconscious form in the bed beside us.

Tubes ran this way and that, with wires hooked to monitors on both sides of the bed. Her face and arms were heavily bandaged, with another bandage circling behind her head.

Margie shattered the awkward silence that had fallen over us. “I spoke with her doctors before I came in, but it took seeing it for myself for it to sink in.”

I leaned into her. “How much do you love me?” I asked quietly.

“What?” She gave me a puzzled look.

“Enough to stay here until she wakes up?” I gave her my best impression of a sad puppy.

“I wish I could. I have my own business to think about though. I thought I’d just come out here and stay with you for a few days to make sure you’re taken care of, but… Robert, the doctors say it could be awhile before she comes back to us.”

I shut my eyes tight as I buried myself in her shoulder again. “So what am I supposed to do? I can’t just stay here in the hospital, and I can’t go home by myself, plus the neighbors are in Europe, and I don’t even know the other people across the road because they just moved in and–“

“Robert, slow down!” She interrupted, softly but firmly, as she hugged me closer to her. “I didn’t say I was going to abandon you. I said I couldn’t stay.”

“But what else is…” I trailed off as what she was implying began to seep its way into my thick skull.

She seemed to sense my understanding, and nodded. “I know this isn’t an ideal solution, but there’s nothing either of us can do for your mom right now. Linda and I were discussing letting you come stay with me for the summer anyway, so it’s not really abandoning her, either. She wanted this for you.”

She was right, and I knew she was right. Still I felt like I was abandoning her. Finally, with a heavy sigh, I rose from the little cot, walked over and kissed her forehead, whispering, “Mommy, if you can hear me, I love you. Margie’s going to take me to stay with her while you get better, so don’t worry. I’ll be okay. You just get better, and come back to us.” I couldn’t believe I just called her ‘Mommy’. I haven’t done that since I was five.

Margie approached me from behind, placing her hands on my shoulders as she kissed the top of my head — no difficult task for her, as her 5’10” frame easily dwarfed me at 5’4”. I got dad’s hair, but she got his height.

Packing for the flight was considerably more difficult than it sounds. Not only did I need to pack enough boy clothes to get by, but there was no way I was abandoning my girl persona, either. A day and a half later, I was on my first airplane ride, bound for Alpine Springs. Margie promised I’d like it there, but I wasn’t so sure. The Bay was all I’d ever known. I resolved to take things a day at a time. This was all entirely temporary as far as I was concerned.

* * *
Chapter 2 - The Girl Next Door
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I never thought I would be so happy to see an airport terminal, even if it was just to change over to another flight. I had never flown before, so in addition to everything else on my already jangled mind, I also spent the entire flight skittishly jumping at every little thing. Naturally, we experienced heavy turbulence over Kansas. Talk about terrifying.

I’d never seen Alpine Springs, not even a picture. Margie talked about it a lot in her letters and when we’d occasionally talk on the phone, but I don’t think anything could have prepared me for just how green everything was.

Margie, it turns out, lived in a suburb of a suburb. A number of large two-story brick houses arranged cul-de-sac, with a scenic pine forest just a stone’s throw away awaited.

As we unloaded my suitcases from the cab, I could hear strains of an electric guitar from the house next door’s closed garage. Margie must’ve seen me staring because she grinned and nudged me.

“That’s the Jones’. You met their eldest daughter Kelly already, but they have a daughter your age too.”

I just rolled my eyes and pretended not to hear her. Don’t get me wrong. It isn’t that didn’t like girls. I’d just come off a bad, typical high school drama relationship before school let out, and wasn’t ready to take the plunge again yet. It didn’t help that it took me a month to work up the courage to ask Andrea out, only to be dumped for the captain of the wrestling team. She used me to make him jealous, and all I got out of the deal was a black eye.

“First room on the right upstairs will be your room. I’d let you use the other bedroom, but I’ve been using it for storage, so it’s a real mess in there.”

Margie had always been a little sloppy, but at least it had evolved into organized sloppiness. By that I mean that I peeked inside her storage room when I carried my things upstairs and it looked like a tornado had blown through, repeatedly, but the rest of her home was neat and well-kept.

“Oh, by the way!” she called from the bottom of the stairs, just as I reached for the door handle to my new room, “That room used to be a nursery, I think - fair warning. I was going to redecorate this summer, but I haven’t had time yet.”

“What does that…” and then I saw it. Pink, and a veritable ocean of it. Plush pink carpet, pastel pink and sky blue wallpaper, and a white closet door with a little pink heart doorknob completed the look.

If I had any masculinity in me at all, this would’ve seen to its destruction. Thankfully I didn’t, and just shook my head as I put down my suitcases.

“I need to get back to check on the store. Will you be okay by yourself for a few hours?” Margie asked as she poked her head in the door. I could tell she was scanning my face for some sort of reaction to the sea of estrogen she’d just dropped me into; I couldn’t help feeling it was a sympathetic, apologetic search. For my part, I would’ve done it in lavender.

I nodded as I sat on the edge of the bare, metal-frame twin sized bed. It was better than a cot, at least. Not by much, though.

At this point it had been three days since mom’s accident. I felt incredibly guilty that all I could think about on the flight was when I’d be able to dress up again, but it was wonderful self-therapy. Things just seemed easier to take in stride with even the smallest touch of femininity. Sensing an opportunity, I reached out for my girl suitcase. I waited for the sound of Margie’s car leaving, and immediately set to work unpacking. After hanging up a couple of dresses and tops, I decided it was safe to go ahead and change.

When my dad passed away, he left both my sister and me a considerable sum of money. I was actually surprisingly frugal, though. I learned to watch for sales online and only buy what I felt I could, though that was mainly to avoid raising suspicions. It’s nothing that could rival a real girl’s wardrobe, but I managed to get by.

I’d noticed a large privacy fence around the side and back yards of each house as we pulled up earlier. I had made up my mind then and there that this would probably be the one chance I’d ever have to enjoy being a girl outdoors, and I wasn’t about to miss it, so changing out of my boring old boys’ clothes, I slipped into a simple bra and panty set (Not like I had a lot to fill out the former, but still) and from my suitcase, pulled my favorite sundress, draping it over my shoulders.

It was a cute white number with a red floral print and spaghetti straps, perfect for the warm, sunny day. I topped it off with my two and a half inch heeled strappy white sandals, smiling to myself just a bit as I realized I’d never taken off the strawberry red toenail polish, though by now it had begun to wear, and lost its luster. I’d have to change it if I got a chance.

At some point earlier in the year, I did splurge a little on something that wasn’t clothes. I’d seen an adorable little diary in my recommended list at my favorite online book store. The soft pink outer binding was decorated in butterflies and other little patterns. The best part had to be the heart locket closure though. I just had to have it, and of course, when I packed, I took it with me!

I grabbed my diary and the purple sparkly ink pen I’d stowed with it then headed downstairs. Though the upstairs, like my new bedroom, was carpeted, the stairs and first floor were all solid hardwood, resulting in a spine-tingling experience as each foot-fall echoed through the house. I could get used to living here, even if it was just temporary.

I opened and stepped through the sliding glass door onto the back patio, immediately spotting a large old tree in one corner of the yard. To my great joy someone had hung a two-person porch swing from one of the sturdier branches.

I smoothed my dress with my left hand as I sat on the swing, turning to swing my legs up next. It took me a few minutes to find a comfortable position, but once I got myself situated, I turned my attention to my diary. I really shouldn’t have kept the key in the lock like that, but it was just easier to keep up with that way. After leafing through several past entries, I set my pen to the page and began to write.

Before long I was fully engrossed in my writing. The rest of the world melted away as I feverishly scribbled, verbalizing all my pent up frustrations.

A few stray tears began to stain the page as I continued. God, I needed a good, hard cry. I hadn’t given myself that luxury since the hospital for trying to ‘be brave’. That was another of my problems, though. I’ve always cried so easily. There were times when I was younger, where I can remember running off to my room, throwing myself on my bed, and crying myself to sleep into my pillow. I was pathetic.

My emotions finally got the better of me, and I just couldn’t write anymore. My eyes were stinging, to the point that I couldn’t see a thing, so I just closed and locked my journal, pulling my knees up to my chest and burying my face in them.

A chill ran down my spine as I heard something close by. Soft footsteps on grass were quickly followed by a concerned female voice. “Hey, are you okay?” I didn’t know what else to do, so I grabbed my journal and bailed off the swing, sprinting as fast as my sandals would allow straight back inside. I barely caught a glimpse of a bewildered sea of blonde whirling around as I ran past.

“Hey!” She practically yelped in surprise, but I didn’t even stop to close the door behind me. I shot through the kitchen and up the stairs, practically slamming the bedroom door and pressing my back against it. My chest heaved as I tried to catch my breath.

“Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.” I kept repeating to myself. “That did NOT just happen. Oh my God! Oh my–“ But my incoherent denial was interrupted by a sound downstairs. Footsteps! Crud! I bolted for the closet, closing the door behind me. Even through the two doors and two sets of walls, I could hear someone moving about and calling. Soundproof, this house was not.

“Hello?” The voice called in a distressed tone. I just pressed up against the back wall, sliding down to the floor and hugging my knees to my chest. I was too terrified to do anything else. I hadn’t touched Robert’s suitcase yet, so the only thing hanging above my head were a couple of dresses and tops.

I started sobbing uncontrollably again when I heard the bedroom door open. Why didn’t I lock the doors when I ran inside?

“Um… Hello? I didn’t mean to scare you!” The girl called. Crap, crap, crap!

Suddenly there was a gentle knock on the closet door, but the voice stayed silent. Another knock, and this time she spoke. “Listen, I just wanted to apologize. It was like, totally rude of me to sneak up on you like that, and I’m really, really sorry. If you want to be alone, that’s cool. I just wanted to see if I could help.” She paused, “Hello?”

I swallowed hard, trying to stop sobbing, but that just made things worse. Apparently she heard me.

“Okay, I know you’re in there. Listen, my name’s Allison. Allison Jones, but you can call me Ally.” She knocked again. God, she was persistant!

“Okay, I can take the hint. I’ll leave you alone. But if you feel like you want to talk come over to my house, okay? I live right next door, east side.”

I don’t know if it was the leg cramp I was getting from sitting in that awkward position, or if I was just really, really desperate to talk to someone my age. Maybe it was even temporary insanity, but I swallowed hard, stood, and pushed the door open.

A fairly attractive blonde-haired girl, I’d guessed about two inches taller than me and about my age, wearing a hot pink tank top and denim shorts, had just sat down on my bed.

She turned to face me, seeming to size me up for a moment before standing and taking a step closer, offering her hand. “I’m really, really sorry. I knew through my sister that Margie had a sibling my age. I guess you must be her sister?”

“It’s complicated,” I muttered, as I walked past her and collapsed on the bed. As I leaned forward, burying my face in my hands, I felt a sudden, warm hand on my shoulder.

“What’s wrong? Really, you can talk to me. I won’t bite.” She cooed, as she sat beside me.

I tilted my head slightly to catch a glimpse of her expression. She looked genuinely concerned. I heaved a sigh, and proceeded to tell her about my mom’s accident, and how I’d just been dragged across the country to live with my sister until mom recovered.

“If she recovers,” I added meekly, starting a whole new round of waterworks.

“Hey, hey,” she tried to console me, holding me close to her. “It’s okay. You said she works at the same hospital right? So don’t you think they’d like, have even more reason to help her get better?” She had a point. Curse you, logic.

I nodded, beginning to calm down a little, as she continued. “So, that’s why you freaked out, huh? Anyways, hey, I don’t even know your name yet.”

“Ro--” I stopped short, “-bin.”

“Robin,” she giggled. “I like that.”

I just offered a weak smile. What else could I do? I was trapped by my own stupidity.

“Anyway Robin, I don’t want to just leave you alone like this now that I know what happened. You want to come over and hang out until your sister gets back?”

Oh, crap! I forgot about Margie! How in the heck was I ever going to explain all this to her! I started to shake my head, but I could see the pleading expression in Allison’s eyes. This complete stranger really was scared of leaving me alone. This was a new and interesting experience for me.

Robert didn’t have any real friends. Classmates, sure, but no one he could just hang out and watch TV with. Now, Robin had been here less than an hour and already had a new friend willing to sacrifice her afternoon for her.

“Okay,” I finally relented, “I just need to change shoes.” I commented quietly as I reached down to unbuckle the strap of one sandal. My hands were shaking badly, so Allison reached out to help.

“These are some really cute shoes.” As she gently peeled one sandal off, she suddenly paused, grabbing my hand. “Holy jeeze. Your fingernails are awful! “ She paused again and offered a sheepish smile, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that the way it came out I could work on them if you want though. I do my friends’ nails all the time.”

As she chattered away, I reached for my feminine suitcase, producing a pair of gladiator-style flat brown sandals. I didn’t interrupt her, so she just kept chattering, moving on to my choice of shoes.

“Practical, but fashionable: I like.” Allison commented as she stood, offering her hand. “We’ve got a killer entertainment room in our basement. You’ll love it.”

I just nodded, as I slipped my other sandal into place. I reluctantly took her hand as I stood, releasing it as quickly, as we left ‘my’ room. I was both surprised, and thankful, that she didn’t say anything about the nursery motif.

As I walked downstairs with her, an overwhelming sense of guilt began to wash over me. I paused at the bottom of the stairs, and she turned to face me. I wanted so badly to tell her the truth right then and there, but I couldn’t. As much as I was afraid of what I was getting myself into, and as guilty as I felt about dressing and wishing I could be the girl she seemed to have assumed I was, I also desperately needed to not be alone right now either. I think she sensed my unease, though it was apparent she misinterpreted the reason, as she stepped around in front of me.

“… Listen, Robin, I know you probably think I’m totally shallow for just inviting you over out of the blue like this, but the truth is, I’m really scared for you, and I don’t want you to have to suffer alone like this. My big sister used to be really, really depressed all the time. I saw how she suffered. I know you have every reason to be upset, but the principle IS the same.”

I offered a weak smile in return, “Thanks, Ally. That’s not the half of what’s bothering me, though, but I’m… I’m not ready to talk about it yet.” I winced as my stomach rumbled quite loudly.

Allison giggled, “Mom’s making tacos, and she always makes way too much. Come on.”

Her soft fingers wrapped around my forearm, gently tugging me toward the door. ‘I have to ask what lotion she uses,’ I thought to myself as I followed her., ‘assuming she doesn’t hate me when I finally work up the courage to tell her the truth.’

“Your big sister’s Kelly, right?” I broke the silence, as we stepped outside. She stopped for a moment to smile at me.

“Yeah. She should be home this weekend. Actually she should’ve been finished with college stuff a couple of years ago but decided to change majors so she’s just now getting to a transition internship program, but she promised she’d have this weekend off to come home.”

“That’s good. I want to ask her how Mom’s doing.” I offered simply. She looked back at me with as much a reassuring smile as she could manage.

I knew how close I was to Margie, and I began to wonder what Allison and her sister’s relationship was like. Were they as close, or maybe closer? Did being sisters instead of brother-and-sister matter?

So many little, unimportant things crossed my mind that day, but they kept me from thinking about my grief, which was fine with me.

Becoming Robin By Zoe Taylor Allison's Wonderland -/- Woodland Peril   “Margie? I’m scared,” I sobbed. A few droplets of rain pelted the top of my head. “Where… rr… ick!” I didn’t even think about reception out here, especially on my archaic phone. I was only getting garbled responses, and imagined Margie must've been getting the same from me. “Margie, I’m sorry. I went walking in the woods, and I fell. I… I must’ve blacked out.”

---

Chapter 3 - Allison's Wonderland
What else could I do, but go along for the ride by this point? I was trapped between a rock and a silk place, though as traps go things could be worse. Allison actually thought I was a girl, and what’s more, she expressed great concern about leaving me alone in my unstable state. How could I turn down the possibility of my first real friend since the third grade?

“Like I said, Mom’s making tacos.” I snapped back to reality as Allison led me across our front yards. Where Margie’s lawn looked like it hadn’t had any attention in a couple of weeks, the Jones’ was clean-trimmed without a blade out of place. I couldn’t help but think of all those jokes people make about ‘Keeping up with the Joneses.’ It was a pretty house, I’ll admit, as well. All of the houses here were beautiful, and much larger than I was used to though, with more open space outside.

“You don’t say much do you?” she offered. “That’s okay though. Oh, it’s just Mom and me today. My dad’s out of town on business.” I hesitated at the doorstep and wiped my feet while Allison flung the door open. I was sure the whole neighborhood heard her bellowing.

“MO-OM! We’ve got a guest!”

“I’m in the kitchen dear!” The response came. Allison wasted no time in grabbing me by the hand this time, and hauling me inside, down a short hallway from the foyer, and into the kitchen. Admittedly she didn’t have much resistance from me. I admired Allison’s forwardness. Her warm, caring nature offset any edge her assertiveness might otherwise have held.

Standing at the polished gas range was a woman that I would never have guessed to be Allison’s mother: another older sister, maybe. I remembered Kelly having a slightly stronger jaw, but otherwise the three’s family resemblance could definitely be seen. She had an average frame and build, with about an inch on me in height, but I couldn’t help noting that she seemed very poised.

The sounds and smells of simmering taco meat assaulted my senses, the tingly, lingering spice scent causing me to stop and inhale sharply. My stomach rumbled in angry protest of my having not eaten anything since leaving home.

Allison cheerily announced, “Mom, this is Margie’s sister Robin.”

The woman turned and gave me a puzzled look for just a moment. Oh crap. Did Margie tell her about me being her half-brother? Whatever she was thinking, it seemed to pass just as quickly, as she offered a warm smile. “How do you do, Robin?”

I nervously extended my hand to her, responding in a shy tone as she accepted it, “Nice to meet you ma’am.”

She laughed. “Oh, Allison, I like her already.”

Allison stuck her tongue out, but smiled after, presumably to avoid a family feud in front of a visitor. “I hope it’s okay that I invited her over for lunch?” Phew. She didn’t mention the whole ‘run bawling like a freak back into the house’ thing.

“Of course, dear: it’ll be ready in about five more minutes. Why don’t you girls go downstairs and I’ll bring it to you? Oh Robin,” I flinched as she turned her attention back to me.

“Do you want lettuce on yours?”

I shook my head. “No thank you ma’am.”

“Please, call me Carol.”

“Yes ma--” I cut myself off, smiling sheepishly. “Carol. Thank you.”

“Thanks Mom!” Allison squealed with delight as she ran off toward the other end of the kitchen, stopping to look back at me.

I plodded along with my head down, trying my best not to make waves. Unfortunately for me, that just made more waves.

“Robin, dear, are you alright?” Carol asked with concern as I reached Allison’s side. Her daughter responded while giving me a comforting hug. I needed that more than she could know right then.

“She’s just had a really rough week.”

I smiled a little, adding a moment later, “My mom’s in the hospital. That’s why I’m staying with Margie.” I kept it short and simple because I really didn’t want to think about it anymore. I had worked my way from nervous wreck back up to numb. As far as I was concerned, it was an improvement.

“Oh, I’m so sorry. If there’s anything we can do, or if you need someone to talk to, just let me know okay?”

I nodded. I wanted to melt into the wall and fade away. I think Allison might have sensed it, though not for the reasons she thought, I’m sure, as I once again found myself taken by the hand and led into another hallway, and down a set of carpeted stairs. The Jones’ home was a lot like Margie’s on the outside, but on the inside, the floor plan was subtly different. For one thing, Margie didn’t have a basement.

I’ll admit that at first I thought it a little weird to have an entertainment room in a basement, at least when Allison first mentioned it. I mean, to me basements were dank, creepy places full of cobwebs and spiders!

Despite being wholly underground, the area was well lit and beautifully decorated with thick, plush mauve carpeting, a mahogany bar with bar stools set up, and a matched beige sofa and chair set in front of a fifty inch plasma screen TV.

“Oh. My. God,” I whispered as I hit the bottom step.

Allison giggled. “Yeah, I get that a lot. Hey, you want a soda? The bar’s just for atmosphere; the mini-fridge’s stocked with soft drinks.” As she spoke, she stepped around behind it, opening the fridge.

“Yes please,” I said quietly as I leaned over the mahogany bar top to see what was there. As I scanned the single-line rows of root beer, colas (regular and diet), and fruit drink boxes, it became quickly apparent that someone in this house was a neat freak. I couldn’t complain though. It made spotting my beverage of choice a simple task!

“You have red cream soda?” My voice squeaked a little.

“You like red cream soda?” Her eyes lit up. She grabbed two, offering me one. “You’re the first girl I’ve met besides me who loves this stuff. I blame daddy though. He got me hooked when I was younger.”

‘Well, girl is debatable,’ I thought to myself as she came back around. I had begun to feel guilty again, both because I was even in this position, but also that I had been lying to someone who had been nothing but kind to me since we met, albeit only a short time ago.

As I nestled into the sofa, Allison sat down beside me, turning to face me. “Okay, can I ask you something?”

I stiffened a little. Her baby blues locked onto my face for just the briefest of moments before I looked away again then nodded.

“There’s something else bothering you, Robin. You mentioned it before, and I think mom picked up on it too. It’s just us girls here, and anything you say won’t leave this room. I promise.”

What was with this girl? Why was she being so nice to me? And worse yet, why was I leading her on like this? I mean, it’s not my fault she heard me, presumably over the fence, and she did technically come into Margie’s house uninvited.

Oh, who was I kidding? I would have done the same thing if I were her. Weird girl has a panic attack and runs like a rabbit when you say hello? That bears making sure she’s not going to do something stupid in my book. Never mind that our sisters were best friends in college.

“I…” I began, but before I could continue, Carol called from the top of the stairs, “Tacos are ready. I hope you girls are hungry!”

Allison glared in the general direction of the stairway, turning her gaze more softly on me, as if pleading for me to continue.

“…haven’t eaten since yesterday.”

She pouted, but didn’t press the matter any further. As she rose, she offered me her hand, which I gladly accepted, hoisting myself up. It’s not that I was a big girl, or guy, whatever, but I was pretty badly out of shape, with no muscle tone to speak of, and a little baby fat still hanging on here and there. Add to that that I felt emotionally and mentally drained.

“After lunch I’ll work on your nails if you still want?” She offered, wiggling her own sparkly-pinkness at me, as her mother set two down a pair of plates on the bar.

With two tacos each, the ornamental flower design was just barely visible underneath at the center of our plates. I had to wonder if all their dishes were like this, or if she was breaking out the ‘Not-good-but-not-everyday’ china on my account.

I got a definite sense that Allison was of the girly-girl nature, though certainly not as shallow as I had always imagined such girls to be. She gushed over lunch about school, friends, girl scouts, boys, and music, all in the span of about five minutes.

Silence descended. Well, silence and the sound of two hungry teenagers ravenously devouring yummy tacos. I finished well before she had, and out of nowhere I leaned over to hug her, blushing a moment later after I realized what I’d just done. Fortunately she didn’t notice the blush at least, engrossed in trying to catch up with me.

“Thanks Ally. That was really good.”

“Mom’s an awesome cook. She’s been bugging me to learn too, but my cooking knowledge extends as far as working the microwave.”

I stifled a small laugh at that. She gave me an odd look, to which I smiled sheepishly.

“It’s been just Mom and me for so long that I’ve been cooking for years.”

“Hey yeah, I wanted to ask about that, but I didn’t want to be nosey.”

“About what? My mom and me?” She nodded, so I continued. “Well, she had a few boyfriends over the years, but I guess she just never really got over my dad, and a lot of them couldn’t get over her having a-” I had to catch myself. I very nearly said ‘son’. I pretended I needed to sneeze then cleared my throat, “Sorry. I was excess baggage, but they were all losers anyway.”

It felt weird, opening up to Allison like this. For a second, I almost forgot I was supposed to be feeling guilty. I saw a brief smile cross her lips as she hopped up off the barstool and picked up our plates.

“Come on; let’s go do something about those nails. I’d love to play with your hair too, but I don’t want to scare you off or anything yet.” At this point, I was so deep in this closet I was finding Christmas presents, so I resigned myself to my fate, smiling a little.

“Thanks Ally. That sounds like fun.” It really did sound like fun. She brightened a little and led me upstairs, around a blind corner that I hadn’t gotten a good look at yet. A washroom lay just beyond a set of stairs leading to the next floor.

Much as I expected, the second floor of her home was a different layout than Margie’s. There were some similarities though. There were two smaller bedrooms to accommodate a larger master bedroom/bathroom, where Margie and I shared the upstairs bathroom at her house.

I followed Allison into the second of the two bedrooms. The first, on the right, was closed, so I just ignored it for the moment, presuming it to be Kelly’s. I half expected to be assaulted by a sea of pink when I entered Allison’s room. I’d never been in a girl’s room before, unless my new bedroom counted, so I wasn’t sure what to expect It was dusty rose, actually, though it worked really well to create an atmosphere of Teen Girl Space.

The lacey white bedding and curtains should have looked boring, but the contrast to the walls actually worked really well. Posters of popular bands and singers clung to the walls in a way that was almost too disorderly not to be intentional. I couldn’t help staring at a cute anime poster, too. Allison had just won some more cool points. Not that I had been into anime, but it was just so cute that it made me smile.

“Do you wear makeup?” She asked, as she pointed to a vanity that I hadn’t noticed as I entered. The surface was oak, supporting an oval mirror with a matching wood veneer frame. Various bottles, vials, compacts, and perfumes were scattered around. I surmised that she wanted me to sit at the padded stool placed before it, and as I did she retrieved a folded cloth nail care kit from one drawer, afterward pulling over another stool from a corner of the room and sitting beside me.

“Don’t worry.” She reassured, “I’m just going to shape your nails a little. So?”

I looked blankly at her for a second as she took my left hand and started working. It took me a second for my mind to sync with the conversation. “Oh, right. Sorry. Um… no, I don’t really wear makeup other than doing my toenails sometimes.”

She paused in her nail filing to stare at me. I could understand where she was coming from in her confusion, or was that calculating?

“Tomboy, eh? My sister was a tomboy for like, the first fifteen years of her life,” she offered

“Where’s your bathroom, Allison?” I asked, my free hand moving to my stomach.

“Next door down past Kelly’s room,” she said as she released my hand, adding a moment later, “Everything okay?”

I nodded as I stood and excused myself. I practically ran for the bathroom, locking the door behind me. The bathroom was of moderate size, decorated in mauve tiles halfway up the wall, with light rose-colored wallpaper going the rest of the way, a large art deco etched-border mirror, and marble sink and countertop.

To my credit, I managed to get myself under control again before I was actually, physically sick. I splashed some water on my face and gently toweled it dry, placing the white wash cloth in the hamper as I stepped out again, returning to Allison’s room.

“Better?” She asked, now sitting on her bed, sorting through an old shoe box full of nail polish. There must have been fifty bottles, varying in shades and hues of reds, blues, greens, and purples.

I nodded, returning to my seat at her vanity. “Sorry about that. I thought I was going to be sick for a second there.”

“Mom’s cooking has that effect on people.” She grinned.

I shook my head. “It’s not that. It’s just nerves, I guess.”

“I didn’t upset you did I?” She asked as she took her place at my side and started to work again.

“Not at all. You’ve been really…“ I hesitated. She looked up, waiting for me to continue. I gave her as genuine a smile as I could, “Really awesome.” ‘Better than I deserve’, I thought to myself.

“Awww.” She set the file down and leaned over to hug me.

“I think I understand you better now though. If I had to guess, I’d say where you’re from you’ve got a reputation for not being very girly, but secretly you like to get dressed up once in awhile. Am I close?”

I blushed, smiling a little. She had absolutely no idea just how close, or so I thought.

It almost seemed as though she wanted to say something more. She had that same thoughtful expression Kelly had when she was debating whether or not to remind me just how close our families were. Whatever she had on her mind, she apparently decided to keep it to herself, so I took a deep breath.

“What is it?”

She casually shook her head. “It’s nothing. Well, no, it’s not ‘nothing’, but… I like you Robin. You’re a fun person to hang out with and I don’t want to say something stupid without thinking it through first, y’know?” She squeezed my hand, giving me a reassuring smile.

“Anyway, you look really pretty. You shouldn’t be afraid to show the world.” As she talked, she picked up a vial of purple nail polish she’d retrieved from her shoe box earlier, and started working.

“I don’t mean to sound pushy or anything, mind you. I just thought it might take your mind off things, you know? When you look good, you feel good. I could like, give you makeup advice and stuff too, if you want to have your sister pick you up some things.”

This was all such a blur. On the one hand, this was some sort of wonderful dream come true. This girl had, over the course of an hour or so, completely accepted me as the girl I appeared to be.

On the other hand, there was the fact that I wasn’t, and so far as I knew, couldn’t be a girl. I was still just a boy in a dress, and no amount of makeup could change that. To make matters worse, I felt awful for not having the courage to tell her the truth from the start. I just kept falling deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole.

“All done!” Allison announced in a sing-song tone. I held up my hands, wiggling my fingers a little bit to admire her handiwork. They were of course still wet, but I knew from doing my toenails from time to time to be careful.

Not only had she shaped the tips of my nails into a more natural curve than the hideous clip job I’d done on them a couple of weeks earlier, she’d applied a coat of glittery, dark purple high-gloss polish that looked absolutely fantastic against my light skin tone.

I’d never done my own nails other than the aforementioned fingernail clipping sessions, but I suddenly had an entirely new appreciation for my slender fingers. ‘Piano fingers’, as my mother used to jokingly refer to them, were just another of my many curses, but now they suddenly seemed a blessing.

* * *
Chapter 4 - Woodland Peril
* * *
The afternoon seemed to drag on forever as only a lazy suburban summer afternoon can. I tried to loosen up and relax as Allison and I talked and shared our interests, but the longer I stayed, the more my nagging guilt gnawed at me.

To make things worse, Allison had made it abundantly clear she wouldn’t let me out of her sight until Margie came home How was I going to explain all this to her? She left me her brother, and would return to find a sister instead. I couldn’t blame Allison though. She had been so wonderful and accommodating in trying to cheer me up.

After finishing our little impromptu beauty session Allison and I relaxed in the basement den/game room. Rather than stopping at my fingernails, she had gone ahead and repainted my toenails in the same shade. We also briefly discussed makeup and style tips, but nothing particularly worth mention.

We had been watching a scary movie about ghosts communicating through the static of TV and radios. Allison had me facing away from her while she braided my hair with some purple ribbon she dug out of her closet before we came back downstairs.

Just as she finished, someone knocked at the open door at the top of the stairs. We both jumped, and Allison squealed a little. I couldn’t help laughing. It was worth the playful punch in the arm in retaliation.

“It’s just me.” The blood in my veins turned to ice at Margie’s voice.

Allison picked up on the sudden unease rather quickly, giving me a reassuring smile as I turned to face forward again, sinking into the sofa.

“You look beautiful," she whispered. She then picked up the universal remote, pausing the DVD and glancing over, “Hey Margie. Come on down.”

As she stood, I sank further into the sofa. She stared at me, sighed dramatically, and took my hand to pull me up. This was the first time today that I actually resisted her, but as I heard Margie’s footsteps on the stairs behind us, I reluctantly stood.

“Hey girls,” Margie commented in such a casual way that it actually made me feel worse. She came over and gave me a big hug.

“Carol told me you weren’t feeling well when you came over. Thank you for inviting Robin over, Allison.” Robin? I just gave her a meek smile in return as she continued.

“Have you eaten yet?”

I nodded. “Ally’s mom made us tacos.”

“Ooh. Now I want tacos. Thanks.” Allison giggled. I just sort of stood there.

“Anyway, I’m going to put a couple of baked potatoes in the oven, if you want one. You can stay for dinner if Carol says it’s okay. Just be home by dark.”

She turned to leave again. I glanced between her and Allison, and back again. I inhaled slowly, giving Allison a quick hug. “I need to talk to her about some things.” I said quietly.

Allison gave a slow nod, returning the hug. “It’s cool. Listen, I had a lot of fun today. Most of my friends are packing and preparing for summer camps, but I just didn’t feel like going this year. Anytime you want to come over and hang out or talk or whatever…”

I smiled a little, wondering if that offer would still stand when she found out the truth. I gave her another hug. “Thanks. I’m sorry I freaked out on you earlier.”

She laughed. “It’s okay, really! Everybody has bad days. Now go on, get out of here.” She nudged me playfully. I couldn’t help letting a little giggle escape as she poked an especially ticklish spot at my side. I could see her face brighten, even as mine turned a few shades redder.

I caught up to my sister just as she was carrying some plastic grocery bags inside.

“You look cute,” she offered. I winced. “No, really. That dress looks great.” She set her load down and put her arms around me. I melted into her sisterly embrace.

“Carol told me ‘Robin’ was feeling blue, and Allison had invited her over to hang out.” Her genuine, accepting smile brought me a little comfort. She let go again, picking up her bags and carrying them into the kitchen.

I followed close behind and watched her set the grocery bags down on the counter. She stepped around in front of me and pushed my hair back out of my face. I broke down and started crying into her shoulder as she hugged me.

“It’s okay, sweetie. Whatever is going on, we can talk about it when you’re ready. I wouldn’t judge you even if you hadn’t been through hell this week. I mean, I went to the University of California, remember? There’s not a thing you can say to me that I haven’t heard before.”

I just nodded, nuzzling more deeply into her shoulder. She carefully led me into the living room and sat me down on her sofa. After grabbing a box of tissues she sat down beside me, and I proceeded to relate, despite the occasional sob, how I had always enjoyed dressing like a girl and pretending, every chance I could get, that I was.

I talked about how letting my hair grow was just a small part of that, and eventually how the afternoon had begun, proceeded, and ended.

I admit I was proud of the job Allison had done on my nails. They had had the last couple of weeks to grow out, plus the jagged bits had been rounded off beautifully, and the new coat of polish really did look pretty against my light skin tone: something I had more than enough time to think about and admire, while I was rambling endlessly to Margie.

When I finished, she put her arms around me, giving me a reassuring smile.

“Robin, sweetie, there’s something I really need to tell you, but I don’t want to make all this any harder on you than it must already be."

Allison had said something similar to me earlier. I began to wonder if there was some huge conspiracy that I wasn't aware of, or if they just genuinely knew something I didn't, and didn't know how I might react.

"I just want you to know that I love you,” she said softly, in such a reassuring tone that I couldn’t help feeling a little more at ease.

“I’m going to go get dinner started then we can talk some more, okay?”

I numbly nodded. Margie came back to check on me a few minutes later, but I hadn’t moved. I didn’t want to talk anymore: not yet, anyway. I had wondered what she meant though. I wondered what she could have to say that was so important, if it could make things harder on me at the same time. After about ten minutes, I finally stood up and walked into the kitchen.

“Margie? I’m going to go for a walk and clear my head,” I said in as even and calm a tone as I could manage, leaning in the door frame, arms folded.

She looked up from her romance novel, offering a sympathetic smile. “I don’t know. It’s not like this is a dangerous area, but I’d never forgive myself if anything happened to you.”

“I’ll carry my cell phone?” I pleaded. “I just really need some air.”

She sighed. “Okay, but don’t stay gone very long. We still need to talk.” She added that last part with an almost motherly tone, but it was still soft and kind of reassuring.

I again found myself wondering what she meant, but just nodded. I wasn’t brave enough to ask, so I turned to head back upstairs and retrieve my phone.

It was an older hand-me-down model with a purple shell that Mom used before she got her fancy new iPhone, but I didn’t mind, since I only ever used it to call her or Margie. I didn’t bother to change while I was up there because truthfully, I wanted to pretend just a little bit longer.

I left out the front door, but seeing Allison getting into the passenger side of her mother’s SUV was just too much for me. She waved, of course, and I gave a meek wave back before turning and heading back inside. I slipped out the back via the kitchen, crossed the back yard, out the back gate, and started walking toward the forest.

I had planned on asking Margie if there were any hiking trails, but I figured I’d be alright if I stayed near the forest’s edge. I turned on my phone, and I started walking. It wasn’t long before I had completely lost myself in my thoughts.

I went into autopilot mode as I walked. I started thinking about the day’s events and how wonderful everything had been, but my thoughts quickly turned to what a terrible friend I was being in return by lying to Allison.

“Even if I could somehow keep being Robin…” I said to no one in particular, “How could I justify pretending to be something I’m not just to keep her friendship?” Tears stung my eyes as I walked further. My head had begun to pound, and I started feeling a little disoriented.

I had no idea how far or how long I walked. I wasn’t paying attention to my surroundings, so it’s no surprise that I didn’t see that big tree root jutting out of the ground. I screamed as my foot hung, causing me to lurch forward my face slamming right into the side of the tree.

Blackness followed. The next thing I remembered, I was shivering, and in a lot of pain. Worst of all, there was an intense, incessant ringing in my ears. As I slowly came to, I realized that ringing sound was my cell phone. I reached an unsteady hand out to grab it.

“Margie? I’m scared,” I sobbed. A few droplets of rain pelted the top of my head.

“Where… rr… ick!” I didn’t even think about reception out here, especially on my archaic phone. I was only getting garbled responses, and imagined Margie must've been getting the same from me.

“Margie, I’m sorry. I went walking in the woods, and I fell. I… I must’ve blacked out.”

The response was garbled at best, and made me think of the movie Allison and I watched earlier. I shouted into the phone, “I’m in the woods! I lost track of the time and fell! Margie, if you can hear me, I’m in the forest! Please help me!”

Silence. I forgot to charge my phone, and it of course chose now, of all times, to die on me. It’s not like it was doing me much good anyway though. I rolled over onto my back, wincing as I shifted my wounded ankle. I couldn't tell if I’d broken it, but I didn't intend to try standing on it to find out. I flinched as I touched my hand to my face next and quickly jerked it back at the sharp pain it induced.

I closed my eyes, crying out. “SOMEONE PLEASE HELP! Please!”

I began to wonder if this was my punishment. I thought perhaps that God was angry with me for wanting to be a girl. I’d never been particularly religious, but seeing my mother in that hospital bed roused some small hope that someone might be watching over her.

“HELP!” I shouted. Those few drops of rain turned into a slow drizzle. I sighed, laying my head back against the tree as a chill wind nipped at my exposed legs. I was just preparing to resign myself to my fate, when a faint sound caught my attention.

“Rooobin…” A voice called from the distance, though I felt sure the forest was taunting me now, or I had well and truly gone mad.

I didn’t answer initially. I refused to play this game. A few seconds later I heard the voice again, closer. The pitch and timbre I didn’t recognize, but it was definitely real.

I had no idea how much time had passed between my phone dying and this point. For all I knew, I was hopelessly lost.

“I’m over here!” I sobbed, “Please help me!” A large, hand-held spotlight settled right on me.

“There she is!” I thought I heard Allison’s voice. The group was a good fifty yards away, but it didn’t take long for them to close the distance. I could see a figure of about Allison’s height, in faded jeans with a bright rain coat and hiking boots running just ahead of a man and woman in orange vests. The woman carried what looked like a duffle bag, and both were holding a backboard between them.

Allison practically slid across the forest floor as she fell to my side. She started to hug me, but stopped herself. “Oh, Robin,” she said softly, quickly moving aside as the other two reached me.

“Robin?” The woman spoke as she took out a pen-sized light and shone it in my eyes. I flinched.

“Yeah,” was all I could muster in response.

“My name’s Lisa. Just try and hold still, okay sweetie?” People loved calling me sweetie lately, for some reason. I wasn’t about to protest.

I sat there patiently as the other, I presumed to be either a paramedic or part of Search and Rescue — or both, checked my pulse and blood pressure, rattling off a bunch of numbers that didn’t mean a whole lot to me into a radio.

“Robin, can you tell us what happened?” The man asked. Lisa got my attention in a hurry when she started applying something to my face. God that stung!

“Ow!” I cried out in pain, shifting my head to the side.

“Hold still, Robin.” Lisa insisted. “You may have more internal injuries.”

“Sorry…” I offered quietly, “I caught my foot on that tree root and fell.” I didn’t know how much of an explanation they were looking for about how I got out here, so I left it at that when they didn’t ask for anything more.

Allison just stood off to the side and watched. I tried to read some emotion in her face, but the other two kept getting in my field of view.

“Are you hurting anywhere besides your face?” Lisa followed.

“Just my ankle; I-I tried to keep from moving it,” I responded, pointing meekly toward the offending ankle.

I soon found myself lying flat on my back on the backboard, with both my neck and ankle braced and restrained. Just before they lifted me off the ground, Allison removed the pastel blue rain coat she had been wearing, and gently draped it over me. I smiled a little at her and whispered a thank you, as I was carried out between the three of them.

They brought me as far as the forest’s edge, which I’m embarrassed to admit didn’t take that long to reach insofar as how far I had gone, where an ambulance awaited us.

As Margie and Carol both ran to my side, I found myself being placed, backboard-and-all, on a stretcher. I tried to tilt my head to look at Margie, but the neck brace would have none of that.

She took my hand and gave it a firm squeeze. I just knew she wanted to yell at me, but she smiled, relieved.

“You’re going to be okay Robin.” She turned to Lisa. I saw her take the other woman by the arm and lead her away for a moment, while yet another set of paramedics loaded me into the ambulance. As I lay there wondering just how many people they had looking for me, I heard Allison’s voice behind me.

“Can I ride with her? Please?” She pleaded in a sorrowful, concerned tone.

“I’m sorry, miss,” the paramedic began, but Margie spoke up.

“It’s okay. She can go in my place. Carol and I will follow in my car.”

I couldn’t see it. I couldn’t see much of anything but the roof of the ambulance, but I could picture Margie getting a big hug for that. Allison climbed in by my side, with the sound of the back door closing right behind her.

Lisa climbed into the front passenger seat. “Let’s roll,” she ordered the driver.

Allison squeezed my hand, apparently to distract from the fact that I was about to have an IV jabbed in my other hand. It wasn’t so bad though, a bit like a bee sting. The idea of having steel sticking out of my hand still made me shudder.

“Don’t ever run off like this again,” Allison scolded me. Earlier that day, I didn’t think I could possibly feel any worse. Fate decided to prove me wrong.

“I’m sorry, Ally. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen,” I offered, but she didn’t respond, silently squeezing my hand instead.

Her face seemed a mix of fear and uncertainty. She must have hated me. I closed my eyes and tried to drown out the blaring siren.

Becoming Robin By Zoe Taylor The Truth -/- Kelly Has a Se-cret!   I smiled a little. “Thanks Margie. Maybe we can talk when you get back?” She smiled as she leaned down to kiss my forehead. “Absolutely. If you want you can invite Allison over.” “I think Allison hates me,” I quipped. “What? Where did that come from?” She had walked halfway across the room at this point, but she came right back to my side and sat on the edge of the sofa beside me. “Why wouldn’t she? I scared everyone half to death. On the ambulance ride she wouldn’t say anything.”

---

Chapter 5 - The Truth Shall Set You Free
The sun shone brightly through the window of my hospital room as I slowly came back to the land of the living. I somehow managed to sleep right through whatever had transpired last night, with only faint memories of being awakened once or twice to answer a question or two groggily. I just wanted to sleep!

I winced as I tried to sit up. My face felt strange, and I instinctively reached up to touch it. Soft, fresh bandages covered my cheek. I realized I was wearing purple fingernail polish, and suddenly, the events of the previous day all came crashing down on me. I panicked as I realized where I was, and peeked under the blanket to see that I was indeed wearing a hospital gown. Eep!

I slowly looked around the room, trying to take stock of my surroundings. I had a nice, private room at least. A well worn leather chair sat to my right, with a familiar-looking purse hanging off the side. ‘Margie must be here somewhere’, I thought.

I was more surprised by what waited to my left, though. Someone had been to the hospital gift shop, as an adorable little teddy bear holding a red ‘Get Well’ heart pillow rested beside a flower arrangement.

I strained to read the card, but from the angle I was laying I couldn’t make out the handwriting. ‘Probably Margie’ I guessed, and laid my head back down again, inhaling and exhaling slowly.

“Hey kiddo. Glad to see you’re still with us.” My sister’s tone carried a calm sense of relief as she stepped inside. The strong aroma of black coffee assaulted my nostrils.

I looked over at her, smiling meekly as she stepped closer, placing her coffee on the bedside table a moment and leaned in to hug me. I put my arms around her as best my IV tube would allow.

“Margie, I am so, so sorry.” I began, but she just put a finger to my lips and shook her head.

“No. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have let you go off alone like that. But we can talk about that later. How are you feeling?”

I shrugged a little. “My face feels like I went ten rounds with a tree, and my ankle hurts.”

“You were very lucky. They said it’s just a mild sprain. They also ran some tests to be sure you didn’t give yourself a concussion when you fell, and so far everything’s come back clear. We’ll have to watch you for the next week or so just to be safe though. They said something like that won’t always be immediately obvious.”

“I really screwed up.” I responded flatly.

“Everybody makes mistakes. Don’t beat yourself up over it. Just be more careful in the future.” Her tone was so gentle. At least she understood that I didn’t mean to run away, though that wasn’t what I was talking about.

“That’s not what I mean Margie.” I was on the verge of tears again. “The paramedics, Allison, the doctors… They all know.”

“You mean…?”

I nodded.

“Yes, some of them know, but it’s okay. Allison doesn’t know yet to my knowledge, and Lisa and your doctors are sworn to confidentiality. I pulled Lisa aside while they loaded you into the ambulance.”

“So that’s why she rode to the hospital with me?” I asked.

She nodded. “Hey, that reminds me, those are for you.” She pointed toward the bedside stand, moving to pick up the bear and set it on my bed as she handed me the card.

“Thanks, Margie,” I said softly.

“You’re welcome, but the bear isn’t from me.”

I blinked at her, looking down at the card she handed me.

‘Robin, hope you feel better soon. XOXO, Ally’ was written in purple ink, and she’d dotted the ‘i’ in ‘Robin’ with a little heart. I heaved a sigh as I picked up the bear and slowly traced a fingertip across its little heart-shaped pillow-message… thing.

“I have to tell her.” I exhaled those words as simply, as rhythmically as breathing, but the truth is, I figured I couldn’t possibly make things any worse, so what did it matter anymore? At least this way I could have a clear conscience. Shifting in bed, I glanced up at Margie.

“So when can I leave?” I asked rather half-heartedly.

“Today, I think. They kept you overnight for observation to make sure you didn’t suffer any serious internal injuries or from hypothermia, but so far everything’s checked out. You basically got by with a scrape and a sore ankle.”

“Wow,” I said softly. “That’s the first piece of good news I’ve had all week.”

“Now for the bad news,” She began.

I was expecting this. ‘Grounded’, I thought, ‘and not allowed out of my room.’ I flinched, but Margie squeezed by hand to get my attention.

She held up the mud-stained dress I had been wearing. It was shredded at an angle where I fell, and one of the shoulder straps had snapped, to say nothing of being cut in half by a pair of scissors at some point after I arrived at the hospital.

“I’m sorry, Robin. It was a total loss.” She sounded so genuinely concerned that I had to laugh. I felt so relieved. “I love you, sis.”

She smiled and hugged me. “Love you too, ‘sis’.” She winked. I smiled faintly. That did raise a good point in my mind though. I couldn’t very well wear a hospital gown home.

“Um, Margie? I need a favor.”

“I wasn’t sure what you’d want to wear, so I just grabbed both your suitcases, since it looked like you hadn’t unpacked much yet.”

I smiled. She thought of everything.

“Listen, Robin, you and I still need to have a serious discussion when we get home, but I just want to remind you right now that you’re not in any trouble, okay?”

That caught me off-guard. I wasn’t in trouble? I’d take whatever victories I could though.

I was about to thank her, when the door to my room opened. An elderly woman in hospital scrubs and a white lab coat stepped inside. Her hair, more silver than gray, seemed to shimmer in the ambient light.

She gave Margie a kind smile then turned her attention to me.

“Well, you gave your friends and family quite a scare last night, young lady.” Despite her words, I could tell by her tone that she didn’t mean anything by it. She had a wonderful bedside manner.

“My name is Dr. Brown, but you may call me Sylvia.”

“Nice to meet you,” I offered quietly. Despite mostly sleeping through whatever tests they ran on me, I still felt kind of weak. The one meal over the course of two days probably didn’t help.

“The paramedics filled us in on your… special case before we took over, and I just wanted to let you know that you have nothing to worry about to that end.

"I will, however, be giving your sister the name of a colleague who specializes in child and teen psychology, should either of you feel that you need or want to talk to someone.”

I know she was only trying to help, but the thought of seeing a ‘specialist’ about wanting to be a girl freaked me right out. She didn’t press the matter any further though, so I certainly wouldn’t.

“Now, I’m sure your sister already informed you, but you’re going to need to stay off that ankle for a day or so. It’s only a mild sprain, and you might even be able to walk on it already, but try not to exert yourself. As far as your other injuries, you took a pretty hard spill, but you should heal up just fine as long as you keep the wound clean.

“If you start feeling dizzy, any nausea, disorientation or confusion, or a sudden, unexplained headache, let your sister or another adult know immediately so they can get you to a doctor as it may be a sign of a concussion. No swimming.” She paused, glancing at the foot of my bed, where my feet poked up under the hospital bedding, and gave a wry smile afterward, “… and use this antibiotic ointment three times a day.”

I hadn’t even noticed that she’d reached into her pocket to retrieve a tube of medicine. She handed it to Margie across my bed.

I was still fighting a giggle at the ‘No swimming’ crack, given I didn’t even own a swimsuit, to say nothing of my ankle.

“Well, with that out of the way, are you ready to go home, or do you want to stay and sample the breakfast menu?”

I cringed. “Home.” I was starving, but not quite that desperate yet.

Both Margie and Sylvia laughed then the doctor stood and took me by the hand where the paramedics had inserted my IV.

“You may wish to close your eyes, dear. I’ll try and be as painless as I can.”

I shut my eyes tight as she removed the needle, and within a few seconds I had a Barbie band-aid placed over the wound.

I couldn’t help smiling a little. Sylvia wasn’t without a sense of humor, but I couldn’t take it personally. It was a sweet gesture on her part.

“Ms. Evans, I just need you to fill out some paperwork at the nurse’s station, and then you’ll be free to go.”

Margie left with Dr. Brown, leaving me alone for a moment to contemplate my situation. I slid to the edge of the hospital bed.

I carefully planted my right foot on the ground, tenderly holding my left aloft while picking up the suitcase, then bringing it, along with my sore ankle, back up onto the bed.

They had wrapped my ankle in a thick, padded bandage held together with a safety pin, so keeping my foot still was easy enough, but the sudden and rapid changes in elevation made me flinch. I definitely wouldn’t be walking anywhere today.

By the time Margie returned, one of the nurses pushing a wheelchair not far behind her, I was already dressed; a pale yellow top under a simple navy knee-length jumper looked the most comfortable, and the most casual, of my options that hadn’t already been placed in my new closet.

I was just about to slide my feet into a pair of flat Mary Jane-styled casual shoes when Margie came around to help. My sandals were ruined, and everything else had a slight heel to it, which I just didn’t feel like dealing with today. If by some divine miracle I’d get to be Robin awhile longer, I’d need to go shopping.

“I was going to suggest a dress or skirt myself,” Margie advised as she oh-so-gingerly held my left foot, “Trying to work a sore ankle through a pair of jeans or sweats is torture of a high magnitude.”

With the aid of Margie and the nurse, I soon found myself being wheeled toward the elevator. I had my flowers in one hand, my new teddy bear in the other, and one suitcase in my lap, while Margie carried the other.

As we reached the elevator, a boy that couldn’t have been much older than me, dressed in a black T-shirt declaring some heavy metal band or other and dark jeans stepped off the elevator.

I could hear strains of metal over his headphones as I was helplessly wheeled closer. ‘Oh my God, is he staring at me?’ I thought.

Off came the headphones as he reached his hand back, pressing it firmly against the elevator door to keep it from closing. He flashed me a smile. I could feel my cheeks burning. I tried not to make eye contact, but Margie’s giggle was contagious. I cracked a smile. ‘He’s going to think I’m flirting!’

He released the door, nodding to the two older women and replacing his headphones. The nurse chuckled, those stupid doors closing far too slowly for my taste.

“I’ll bet you get that a lot.” I could hear Margie fighting a giggle behind me as I bit my lip.

“I’m not allowed to date yet,” I lied, vehemently.

“It doesn’t hurt to look, though,” the nurse commented in response. If Margie wasn’t there, I would have been wishing that elevator would just keep falling forever.

The ride home was pretty uneventful. We stopped off at a fast food drive-through for a rather large breakfast, and while Margie tried several times to engage me in conversation, my heart just wasn’t in it.

My thoughts kept returning to how I was going to tell Allison the truth. To make things worse, for every way I could think to approach the delicate topic, my mind invented ten ways for her to react negatively.

With Margie as a human crutch, I limped into the living room, stretching out on the sofa. I didn’t see Carol’s SUV next door, so I presumed I’d get a reprieve for the moment.

Margie had disappeared into the kitchen, while I began the careful process of removing my shoes. By this point she returned with an ice pack. She unraveled the bandages enough to apply it to my ankle without freezing me then ran off again into another part of the house.

This time she came back with a pair of big, fluffy pillows in plain white satin cases. She handed one to me to lay my head on, while placing the other under my ankle.

“Alright, kiddo, I need to run into town for a minute.” She placed the TV remote on the end table beside me. Margie’s TV had nothing on the Jones’ at a ‘mere’ twenty-seven inches, but I wasn’t about to complain.

She set a bottle of water down on a coaster next to the remote, and handed me her white cordless phone, “If you need anything at all, just call me or Carol. Mr. Jones took her car to the shop for a tune-up so she’ll be home all morning. They’re number two on speed-dial.”

I smiled a little. “Thanks Margie. Maybe we can talk when you get back?”

She smiled as she leaned down to kiss my forehead. “Absolutely. If you want you can invite Allison over.”

“I think Allison hates me,” I quipped.

“What? Where did that come from?” She had walked halfway across the room at this point, but she came right back to my side and sat on the edge of the sofa beside me.

“Why wouldn’t she? I scared everyone half to death. On the ambulance ride she wouldn’t say anything.”

Margie shook her head slowly. “You realize she wouldn’t have ridden in with you if she hated you, right? You need to stop being so hard on yourself. Things really aren’t as bad as you make them seem. Give her a chance, and she might surprise you. Number two on speed-dial,” she echoed her earlier comment, giving me a look that said ‘I’m practicing on you for when I have a daughter of my own’, as she squeezed my hand and stood.

A few minutes after I heard her car pull away, I started flipping through the channels. We had cable back home, but satellite was apparently the big thing here.

Unfortunately I just wasn’t in a TV-watching mood. I switched off the TV, exchanging the remote control for the phone. I stared agonizingly at the sleek speed dial button for several minutes before finally swallowing my pride and dialing.

“You have reached the Jones residence. Please leave your name and number.” Crap. I exhaled slowly.

“Hi guys, this is R--” was as far as I got. A feedback screech of phone and answering machine interfering with one another followed, then Carol’s voice.

“Robin, I’m sorry about that dear. I didn’t know the machine was even on. How are you feeling sweetie?” I heard a faint, barely audible click mid-sentence.

“It’s okay. And I’m feeling a little better. The doctors said I just sprained my ankle, and I just need to use some antibiotic ointment on my face a few times a day. Oh, and she told me I can’t go swimming.” Someone snickered loudly.

“Sorry, Robin,” Allison chimed in, apparently having picked up another phone. “I know that’s so not funny, but she had to know you wouldn’t be swimming on that ankle.”

I actually giggled a little. “Hey Ally. Yeah, I know right? God, this morning’s turning out to be only slightly better than last night. This guy held the elevator for me, and he kept staring…”

Mrs. Jones — sorry, Carol, cleared her throat. “I’ll let you girls talk. Robin, just let Allison know if you need anything.”

“Hey, Robin? Is it alright if I come over?” She sounded hesitant, and a little uneasy, but we both needed to talk about last night.

“Sure, Ally. I’d like that a lot.” Those were the first honest words to come out of my mouth in two days. I really did want to see her again, even if it was going to be for the last time.

“Great. I’ll be right over!” She practically squealed, a stark contrast to her unease a mere moment ago. After pressing the little End button I set the phone on the table. I closed my eyes, figuring I’d just rest a moment while waiting for Allison. I awoke to a familiar, soft hand on my forehead. Someone had brought my comforter down from my bedroom and draped it over me as well.

“Hey… Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you,” Allison said softly as she smiled down at me. “Just checking for fever; how’s the ankle?”

I glanced down at my propped-up appendage. “The same as it was when your mom asked a few seconds ago?”

She laughed, “You’ve been out cold for over an hour.”

Looking at the clock hanging on the far wall, I groaned. “Why didn’t you wake me sooner?”

“You just looked so peaceful. You don’t feel dizzy or anything do you?”

“Not really, no. A little weak from not eating right the last couple of days, but I made up for that this morning. Three sausage and egg biscuits.”

She laughed. “Good grief. I don’t know how you can eat like that and keep your figure. I look at a cookie and gain two pounds!”

I chuckled quietly. “Anyway, Ally … About last night,” I tried to sit up, but she quickly put a hand on my shoulder, pushing me back down. She then plopped down on the floor with her back against the sofa in front of me. She reached up to squeeze my hand.

“I’m sorry, Ally. I’m so, so sorry. I didn’t run away. I was just trying to clear my head, and I lost track of time. The last thing I remember was my foot catching on that big root, and then a face full of tree. After that I sort of blacked out.”

She smiled a little as she tilted her head back to look at me. “That’s a relief. I thought maybe that I had… overdone it.” She stared forward again before continuing, “My friends are always telling me I need to be a little less assertive. I just thought with you being in a strange new town with everything that had happened to you this week… I didn’t want you to have to go through that on top of everything else, y’know?”

“Um, Ally? About that ‘new girl’ thing…”

Without releasing my hand, she sat up and spun around to face me, patiently waiting for me to continue what I had started.

“Ally, I’m… I’m not really a girl.” There. I said it. I closed my eyes tightly, waiting for her to shriek. Not a sound, not a motion followed.

When I worked up the courage to open my eyes again, Allison had a peculiar, understanding smile on her face.

* * *
Chapter 6 - Kelly Has a Se-cret!
* * *
Several seconds of awkward silence passed. She seemed expectant of me to say something more, but what else could I say? I had just outed myself, admitting that she’d spent the entire afternoon, and then part of the evening, with a freak and a liar. She never took her eyes off me, and that curious, almost knowing smile never left her lips.

“You have a funny way of showing it.” She finally broke the silence, “Because I spent the entire afternoon with you; you let me do your nails, we talked about fashion and music, and you listened as I rambled endlessly about the girl scouts, cute boy bands, and school stuff. I don’t know any boys who would’ve made it past that first one.”

“I never said I was normal.” I moved to slide back onto my back, reaching down to straighten my dress as I did, then pulling my comforter back up over my tummy.

Allison giggled to herself as she watched, “It’s what’s between your ears that defines you, Robin, not how you were born. Besides, I’m partly to blame too.” She paused, leaning over and briefly placing her hand on my shoulder. “I’m sorry,” she said softly, with a little more guilt in her tone than perhaps she should have had, turning to sit with her back to the sofa again. I slid my hand down as she sat, returning the gesture.

“I’m sorry too,” I offered solemnly, “I’ve never had many real friends, and none that knew about my ‘condition’.”

She tilted her head back again, new concern on her face. “Condition? Are you sick?”

I flinched. Did I have to spell it out for her? “I mean my… condition. You know? The girl stuff.”

She giggled again.

I frowned. “It’s not funny.”

Allison just shook her head slowly, “It is funny to me. I’m not laughing at you though. I’m sorry Robin; it’s just that I’ve heard this all before.”

A chill ran straight to the base of my spine. I rolled over, ankle-be-damned, and stared at her.

“You remember yesterday, how I said Kelly used to be all moody and depressed all the time?” She turned to her side, leaning against the sofa as she faced me. I just nodded.

“My sister used to be my brother.”

I didn’t know how to react to that, so I just shook my head slowly. She was obviously just messing with me now. I wasn’t a complete shut-in. I knew there were some people who believed they were born the wrong body, but my exposure to that was basically limited to the cases they show in those horrible Discovery Channel documentaries about the fringe cases, like the transgendered prostitute working in Las Vegas to make ends meet.

From what little I knew of Allison’s sister Kelly, she seemed a well-adjusted, perfectly normal, successful woman. We even talked briefly at the hospital. She was nothing like I expected someone who wasn’t born female to be. She was an all-American girl with a heart of gold, to my mind.

“I’m completely serious,” she insisted. “I’ll show you her old yearbooks the next time you come over. You’ll have to come over this weekend and say ‘Hi’, too.”

With last night’s experiences I’d completely forgotten she mentioned her sister’s coming home this weekend.

This was all so overwhelming. My stomach rolled and fluttered, and my heart rate increased. For a moment I thought it would burst through my ribcage. A few seconds later, Allison was shaking me.

“Robin? Are you okay?”

I blinked, staring half-dazed at her. Was it all a dream?

“You fainted.” She was now standing over me, her brow furrowed in concern.

“I did? So I didn’t just dream it?” I asked hopefully.

“About my sister? No, you didn’t just dream it. Kelly used to be Kevin,” she quipped matter-of-factly as she sat back down again.

I had so many questions I wanted to ask at this point. I struggled with this for so long, thinking I was alone, that I was the only one, and now to learn that there were others like me? This was all too much. I started feeling faint again and reached for the water bottle on the nearby end table. I gave it a squeeze, squirting some of the refreshing spring water into my mouth as Allison continued.

“When she was younger, she was picked on a lot and always in trouble at school. She always seemed unhappy, and when I was born, things just seemed to get worse. The first few years of my life were hell: the parts I can remember anyway. When she was my age someone called her a bad name at school, and she completely lost it. She put him in a hospital for six weeks, and the folks decided they’d had enough.”

I cringed. I was never violent, but I could sure empathize with the rest of it, especially the bad names. Nothing warms the heart like your ex-girlfriend laughing with her girl friends about using you to make some jock see red.

“What happened?” I asked, prodding her to continue.

“Well, you have to understand something. Daddy is ex-Marine Corps, honorably discharged. He figured military school was the answer. When they sat her down to talk about it though, she had a breakdown like you wouldn’t believe. She just started bawling and babbling about how they’d rape and kill her there.”

Her expression soured as awkward silence settled over the both of us. I think neither of us felt particularly comfortable with hearing that word spoken out loud.

I had to wonder how her dad reacted to the breakdown though. I’d gathered that my own father, when he was still alive, was no Father of the Year candidate, though Mom and Margie didn’t talk about him much, and before the divorce, he was hardly ever around for me to develop an opinion. Besides, I was only three or four.

“They took her to see a therapist, who sent her to another therapist who specializes in gender dysphoria,” she finally continued.

“Gen-what-now?” I blurted. I admit it surprised me how comfortable she was with fielding these questions.

She laughed, but good-naturedly, “Gender dysphoria. It’s a term used to describe when someone is unhappy with or uncomfortable because of their birth gender, or in some cases, societal gender role. It’s next-level stuff that’s way over my head. My parents or Kelly could explain it way better.”

“So your dad was okay with this?”

“Not initially. At first he thought it was just a trick to get out of military school until the therapist sat down with them, and flat out told them that if they forced her to go, she’d threatened to kill herself.”

I visibly shivered. Allison sat up long enough to give me a reassuring hug causing me to smile a little. I loved being close to her, both emotionally and physically. Was this what it meant to be in a real relationship, or did all girls have this kind of deep, personal bond with their close friends?

“At that point, he was ready to do whatever he had to do to save her life. The therapist started meeting with her a few times a week, where a lot of her personal demons were brought out into the open. I was too young to really understand at the time. I mean, I was, like, four or something. I just knew big brother wasn’t being scary anymore, and in time we actually grew a lot closer.”

“What about wanting to be a girl though?” I asked, at this point completely abandoning any sense of respect of the Jones’ privacy, though in my own defense, Allison’s fingerprints were all over Pandora’s Box too.

“Well that was the tricky part. The school expelled her for fighting. The other kid got in trouble for starting it, but because it happened so often, she got the harsher punishment. After several sessions with the therapist it was decided that it would be in her best interest to transition over the summer while doing a homeschooling program, and return to regular school as Kelly the next year.

“She transferred to a new school, arrangements were made with school administrative staff and teachers to ensure her safety, and a few minor incidents aside, she was pretty well accepted by her peers. It helped that no one knew she wasn’t born as ‘Kelly’ at the new school, and she only entrusted a few select friends with that knowledge. Nobody else needed to know because, frankly, she IS a woman. She just had a minor birth defect.”

I instinctively looked down toward my lower half at that comment. “Um, well, see that’s one problem I have. I like being a girl. I wish I had been born a girl. I would love to just magically grow breasts and look more feminine than I already do, but I don’t know how I feel about going that far.”

The thought didn’t occur to me until several seconds later that I had just blurted out how self-aware I was that I really did have a naturally feminine ‘look’, minus the curves. To put it to words, I was a short beanpole, but not altogether unattractive.

“Like I said, I don’t really understand it all. I just know what Kelly went through, and I know that she’s never been happier. I can’t believe your sister didn’t tell you all this though.”

“Margie knows?” I asked.

“They went to college together, remember? They were like, inseparable after a couple of years.” She shrugged.

“Oh right." I rubbed my temple, causing Allison to look up at me with concern.

"Headache?"

"No, I just can't believe I forgot.”

Allison squeezed my hand as she offered a sympathetic smile, “You had a long day yesterday. It's totally understandable.

"When Kelly turned eighteen she elected to go ahead and have her surgery done. She wanted to try and start fresh somewhere entirely different, so with our parents’ blessing, she applied for the University of California. They didn’t have the same classes since Kelly was going for a different degree entirely, but they shared a dorm.”

“Dr. Brown at the hospital gave Margie the name of a child and teen psych, but...” I trailed off, not wanting to finish that sentence.

Allison picked up on it and smiled. “You should look into it.”

I shook my head, “I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I’m scared.”

“Of what?” she immediately quipped back. This little two-word response game was actually kind of fun. At least it eased the tension I felt at the thought of seeing a therapist, though it also distracted us from the sound of Margie’s car in the driveway.

Unfortunately, I had to break the cycle. I couldn’t think of a way to say ‘I don’t know, I’m just scared’ in two words.

“Of… I don’t know. I just am.”

“Am what?” Margie offered, causing me to jump. Allison, having been sitting on the floor opposite me saw her coming, and just grinned.

Margie had a white plastic bag with her clothing store’s logo, “Touch of Style”, printed in a calligraphy-style on the side, along with a grocery bag in-hand. “Hi Allison,” she added a moment later.

“She’s afraid to see the specialist,” Allison answered for me. I wanted to slug her and hug her at the same time. I settled for another neutral nod.

“We have nothing to fear, but fear itself. Know who said that?” Margie stated as she stepped further into the room, stopping beside us. I tilted my head toward Allison, who gave me the same uncertain stare that I’d given her.

“You girls need to pay more attention in history class,” she chastised us playfully. “Franklin D. Roosevelt said that at his inaugural speech, talking about the Great Depression. He was partially paralyzed from polio, but he’s remembered as one of the most influential politicians in modern history.”

“Sooo, you’re saying I do have a disease then.” Allison and Margie both glared at me in unison. I flinched, “It was a joke. I get the point though,” I said with a bite of sarcasm in my tone, but only a small bite. “I can’t live in fear forever, right?”

Allison clapped her hands together. “Finally, she’s listening!” she announced.

“I think she deserves a reward, don’t you?” Margie added, looking to Allison, who just grinned.

Uh oh. Even if Allison didn’t know what Margie had been doing, I still sensed I was being ganged up on. Margie plopped the Touch of Style bag on my stomach, then stepped back.

I shifted the bag around trying to find the opening, and, reaching inside, pulled out a dress that save for the straps being a little wider and flat was identical to the one that I had ruined.

“Oh my God, Margie, you didn’t have to do this!” I practically squealed as I started to cry. For the first time this week, it was for the joyous feeling welling up inside.

It wasn’t just about the dress though. In a weird way, the fact that she took money out of her own pocket to replace that dress cemented in my mind that she really was okay with ‘Robin’ staying with her.

I held it close to me for a moment before sitting up and motioning for her to step closer. The second she was in range I grabbed her in a big hug.

“You’re welcome, sweetie. It’s part of our new summer line, so now you can tell everyone who asks where they can get it.” She winked playfully, but if anyone asked I definitely would tell them!

“I also bought some herbal tea that I’d like you to try, to help with your nerves. Allison, can I make you some as well?”

Allison shook her head. “No thank you. I never could drink herbal tea. I’d love some peach iced if you have any though.”

“You know me; I always have peach iced tea mix on-hand. Kelly saw to THAT addiction.”

Allison laughed as Margie disappeared into the kitchen, leaving us alone again. Allison looked up from her momentary contemplation.

“So, now I have a really personal question for you. You don’t have to answer though.”

“We’re starting fresh, aren’t we? I learned my lesson yesterday. I don’t want to keep anything from you anymore.”

She gave a bright smile at that. “Do you like boys or girls?”

In a way that question came completely out of left field, but on the other hand, we had talked about boys very briefly the other day, and I had mentioned that guy that held the elevator for me. Finally I gave her a little shrug.

“I’m not sure. I love hanging out with you. Just sitting here talking has been more fun than I’ve had with anyone that wasn’t Mom or Margie in as long as I can remember. I did have a girlfriend for a couple of weeks, but it didn’t end well.”

She frowned, “What happened?”

“She flirted with me a lot at first. It took me a week just to work up the courage to ask her out though. I mean, she was a popular girl, and I was a closet-case borderline outcast.”

Allison nodded her understanding, but she didn’t respond, so I kept rambling, “We dated for a couple of weeks. We’d go to the movies or the mall, or I’d go over to her house for dinner.

“She kept me bewildered though. She said she hated PDAs, but she’d suddenly grab my hand as we walked to class then shove it away again.”

“PDAs?” She asked curiously. I suddenly remembered how she’d said she wasn’t allowed to date yet. For the first time we were in territory where I was the more experienced one, if only slightly.

“Sorry, Public Display of Affection. It’s sort of an inside joke around school. Our principal is forever harping about ‘No PDAs!’ and grabbing kids by the ear to get their attention. She’s a real prude.” We both giggled.

“So… what happened with her? Please tell me you dumped her?”

“I wish. No, I was the one that got dumped, literally. It turns out she was using me to get back at her ex boyfriend Arnold, aka The Human Bulldozer. He was the captain of the junior high wrestling team.”

She winced. I could tell she knew where this was going.

“I came away from it with a black eye and a bruised rib, but it could’ve been worse.”

“Ow. Did he get in trouble?” She asked softly, concerned.

“I let it drop. I just wanted to put it behind me rather than make it any worse for myself or for Andrea. I mean, yeah she was screwing with me, but I still had feelings for her. Of course that brought with it its own set of consequences.

"I was branded a wimp for not standing up for myself, but to be honest I just didn’t care. I was glad to be rid of her ogre stalking us.”

“Hey, that’s not fair to ogres. Shrek is awesome.” She laughed.

“You like Shrek?” I responded in surprise. I didn’t care what anyone said; Donkey was hilarious.

“Are you kidding? I went trick-or-treating as Fiona last year! I still have the dress in my closet somewhere. And before you say it, yes, I’m fifteen and I still go trick-or-treating. My friends thought it was totally childish, but I don’t care. I was the one having fun while they stayed home and watched TV, plus it got me out of the house while the folks held their annual Halloween party.”

I gave her a comforting smile, “It’s okay. I haven’t been since… Well, since Margie left for college. It just wasn’t the same without her.”

“You guys are really close, huh?” She asked. Margie answered, as she returned with a steaming mug of tea balanced on a saucer in one hand, a tall clear glass of peach iced tea in the other.

“I babysat for Robin for years, several nights a week. Her mom actually had to make me agree to take some time to do ‘normal’ teen things. I guess she’s always been my awesome baby sister like that. It’s just taken me until recently to realize it.”

I smiled as she set my tea on the end table. I sat up on my side, carefully lifting the mug to take a sip. The aroma was like nothing I’d experienced. The only ‘tea’ we kept in the house back home was of the generic iced variety.

“Wow,” I practically gasped. Margie smiled as she picked up the phone.

“I’m going to go ahead and see if we can set you up an appointment, Robin.”

I wanted to protest, but I knew she was trying to help me. I think deep down, I knew I needed help. I needed answers, and knowing about Allison’s sister had at least given me the courage to take those first proverbial steps toward them.

I was never very religious, but I knew the old adage, ‘The Lord works in mysterious ways’. Maybe God wasn’t punishing me after all.

“Hey Margie. How come you didn’t tell me about Kelly sooner?” Margie stopped in the doorway, looking back at both of us. Allison gave her a ‘should I go?’ expression, but Margie shot her a disarming smile before answering.

“You know that thing I’ve been telling you I needed to talk to you about, but didn’t want to overwhelm you? That was it.

"I wanted to tell you how you aren’t alone and how someone very close to us both went through the same thing, but with everything else, I didn't know how you'd react. I'm sorry Robin. I should've told you from the start."

Allison practically beamed, “Heck yeah you’re not alone!” She repeated.

I smiled. “It's okay. You were just looking out for me, right?”

Margie grinned as she nodded, then stepped into the kitchen with the cordless phone. As I sat up a bit more, sipping my tea, Allison continued.

“So I called Jennifer when I got home last night, and told her about you. Actually, I told her I was really scared of losing you. She told me to slow down, take a deep breath, and asked me to explain what happened.”

With a pause, she offered a sheepish smile, “She told me I was overreacting and that if you hated me, that there was no way you would’ve been trying to apologize. I’m sorry I didn’t listen. I was just so scared of losing you.”

I set my tea down and sat up, leaning forward to hug her. “Ally, wild horses couldn’t pull me away from you. You’re stuck with me now.” I grinned and gave her an innocent peck on the cheek before lying back again.

“Oh, she said to tell you she’s really looking forward to meeting you if you’re still here when she gets back from camp. She wanted to come over today, but her mom’s forcing her into some mother-daughter bonding time.”

“Hey, why aren’t you going to camp this year?” I was just making casual conversation at this point, but I was curious.

“… I really shouldn’t say.” She frowned, shifting her gaze away nervously.

“Ally? Did someone say something?”

“No, it’s nothing like that.” She continued more softly and sighed. “Okay, I have to ask you to promise you won’t get mad.”

“Why would I get mad?” I asked, bewildered.

“Promise!” she insisted.

“Okay, I promise!” I relented; it was crystal clear she wouldn’t continue if I didn’t.

“Okay, here goes. A couple of weeks ago I overheard Momma talking to your sister. I only heard a little bit of the conversation: something about inviting her brother to come stay for the summer.

"I called Kelly and asked her what she knew about you. She talked about how your mom went on and on about you, but had told her you seemed kind of depressed.”

I was by now doing my finest impression of a deer caught in headlights.

“You promised,” she insisted softly. I did promise, and I wasn’t mad. I was however, very, very confused.

“So you’ve known this whole time? And you didn’t say anything?” I tried not to sound hurt. She leaned up to put both arms around me as she rested her head on my chest.

“You were so upset that I didn’t want to make it any worse. Plus I meant every word I said. You really are pretty as a girl, and I had so much fun hanging out yesterday. And like I said, my sister went through an extended tomboy phase. It just, y’know, lasted for the first fifteen years of her life.”

She giggled as I mentally replayed our earlier conversations. It suddenly all made sense, right down to her thinking I ran away because of her assertiveness.

“Oh my God, Ally… You really did think I ran away because of you didn’t you?”

Tears began to stream down her face as she nodded, hugging me again. “I felt so awful. I just knew that I’d driven you away. The second I saw you, crying alone under that big old tree, I guess I saw Kelly in you. Her depression and sadness and everything: it made me not want to leave you alone.”

As she concluded, I wrapped my arms around her, holding her close. “Ally, I’m so sorry. I had no idea…”

She sniffed a little and shrugged, “It’s okay. We both jumped to conclusions yesterday. I promise, I won’t hold anything back anymore.”

I smiled, nodding my wholehearted agreement. “Agreed. It just makes things worse.”

I thought silently for a moment then gave her a sidelong glance, “But that still doesn’t explain why you’re staying home this year, when your friends are all going away.”

She offered a wry smile as she looked up at me again, drying her eyes. “The thing is, there aren’t a lot of kids in our neighborhood our age.

"I knew if you did come, you’d be alone here too, and I guess I just couldn’t stand the thought of someone Kelly spoke so highly of not having anyone to talk to or hang out with. I mean, it’d be different if she’d said you were a total jerk or something, but you sounded really sweet.”

“You should still go,” I finally said, though she pressed her finger to my lips before I could continue.

“I know what you’re going to say, and don’t you dare say it. This was my decision, and I’m glad I made it. I have absolutely no regrets whatsoever. Besides, Nikki’s going to be home soon so you’ll have even more awesome in your life!” She grinned.

“Uh, back up. Who’s Nikki, now?” My mind was reeling, trying to keep up with her social circle. I wondered how many more people she’d told.

She laughed, “Call her Nicole when you first meet her, but other than that, she’s one of my best friends. She’s kind of going through a Goth funk, but she’s a great listener, kind of like you. I think you’ll like each other.”

Margie stepped back into the room and interrupted our conversation, “I’ve got your appointment for Saturday Robin. I need to step out again for just a little bit. Allison, you stay as long as you want dear. Just make yourself at home.”

“Thanks Margie,” Allison chimed as my sister leaned over to hug me then stepped out of the living room, heading for the front door.

“So, I guess I get to be your nurse, hm?” Allison grinned, bridging her fingertips together in her best mad scientist impression.

I stifled a laugh, “Okay, Nurse Ratchet. Can you do me a big favor and see if my sister still has a copy of ‘Beauty and the Beast’?” I nodded toward the shelf next to the TV.

“Oh, can we watch it?” She pleaded. I immediately grinned.

“Absolutely!”

She giggled, bounding across the room to check through DVD cases.

“It’s always secretly been my favorite,” I began, “For as long as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to wear a gown like Belle’s just once.” I blushed intensely as I realized what I just blurted out. Allison giggled as she glanced back at me.

“Hey, there’s always Halloween!”

Becoming Robin By Zoe Taylor Angry Psychology -/- Enter Nicole   “Have a seat, Robert.” It wasn’t a suggestion. I reluctantly seated myself, trying as best I could to situate myself with the unbelievably uncomfortable chair: how I wish I'd worn jeans! The hard old leather kept causing my skirt to ride up uncomfortably. He had by now sat across from me, staring down at me and my discomfort with mild irritation. “There’s no need for that. You don’t have to put on a show for me, Robert.” “I don’t know what you mean, sir. And can you please call me Robin?” I asked softly.

---

Chapter 7 - Angry Psychology
Steam billowed around the peach-hued shower curtain. I stood in the combination shower/bathtub as hot water cascaded over me, shutting my eyes as I reflected on the events of the past week.

My long, raven tresses were tucked safely under a shower cap, as there was just no way I’d have time to dry it and make myself presentable too, according to Margie.

Saturday had come far too soon for my tastes, and it would be a big day on several levels. For starters, Allison’s sister Kelly would be coming home today, so I’d get to find out how Mom was from someone I knew wouldn’t sugar coat it, but there was also knowing the truth about her past, and that kindred connection we seemed to share now.

‘It’s what’s between your ears that counts, Robin.’ Those words, Allison’s sweet, soft tone rang out in my mind again. I had begun to wonder if, perhaps, she was right. That didn’t help me feel any less terrified of my doctor’s appointment today, though.

That was the other reason this was to be a big day for me. Margie and Allison coaxed me into agreeing to see the therapist Doctor Brown recommended regarding my need, bordering on an obsession in my mind, to dress like and be treated as a girl.

I had even begun wearing a night gown to bed! I thought I was going to cry when Margie brought me some of her old sleepwear. ‘It’s time I engaged you in that oldest and noblest of sisterly traditions — hand-me-downs!’ She’d announced with a giggle.

“Robin, hurry up! We still need to do something with your hair!” Margie’s voice snapped me back to reality. I sighed reluctantly, calling back, “Almost done!”

I ran a hand over my silky-smooth legs with a quiet smile as I shut off the water. I’ve never shaved my face before, as I just hadn’t needed to yet. Mom was always trying to reassure me that late-growth facial hair was perfectly normal in some boys, joking that her first boyfriend in high school didn’t even sprout peach fuzz until he was sixteen. She often promised, much to my inwardly cringing in retrospect, that I’d sprout hair soon enough.

My legs, on the other hand, I’d been shaving since I was thirteen. I never wore shorts so no one ever really caught on, and as I’ve said before, my mom and I only had so much time in a day, so it was a simple task to keep her in the dark as well.

After retrieving a white terrycloth towel from the metal towel rack hanging by the bathtub, I stepped out onto the bath mat and began drying myself. My ankle was feeling a lot better, though still a little tender and the scrapes on my face where I’d had a run-in with a tree were healing wonderfully thanks to that antibiotic ointment.

I spent two hours the night before agonizing over what I should wear today. Margie finally helped me decide, suggesting that I wear something conservative, but something a girl my age would normally wear too.

Ultimately I decided on the green silk top I had been wearing the night I received the phone call about my mom’s accident that I pared with a knee-length white floral skirt.

I ended up borrowing a pair of half-inch heeled white sandals from Allison for the occasion. My feet were a half-size larger than hers, but the open-toed style still made them a comfortable fit, and they added a touch of casual.

After taking my hair down out of the shower cap and dressing, I stepped out of the bathroom. “Margie?” I called from the top of the stairs.

“Down here sweetheart.” She responded. I’ve mentioned before that this house is pretty far from soundproof, so I wasn’t entirely surprised to find, on reaching the bottom step that she wasn’t there. I walked into the kitchen to find her sitting at the small oak dining table, romance novel in one hand and a glass of iced tea in the other. Assorted brushes and combs had been haphazardly arranged in front of the next chair over.

As I stepped closer, I gave her a nervous smile. She peeked over the top of her book and smiled back at me, setting it aside. “Oh, Robin, you look beautiful.”

I blushed intensely as she moved around behind me, gently moving me by my shoulders into the chair. As far as my hair was concerned, I was in completely unfamiliar territory. I’d been letting it grow for about two years, and I tried to take care of it, but was never brave enough to find someone to cut or style it. Margie certainly had her work cut out for her, I thought.

“Have you heard anything from Kelly?” I asked, as she set to work.

“Nothing yet, but Carol dropped by this morning while you were in the shower to let me know she’d be arriving around ten, barring airport delays. We’ll still be in New Haven, but you’ll be able to call her after we leave the therapist’s.

“I’m just going to try and keep it simple for now.” She offered, as she brushed my hair out with a wooden-handled brush. I felt a gentle tug at the top of my head, then several more, followed by a strange sensation across there. I started to reach for the hand mirror lying to the side, but she reached out, placing her hand on my arm to stop me, which caused me to give her a quizzical stare.

“Not yet.” She smiled knowingly then stepped away for a moment, returning with a small tube. I practically giggled.

“You’re letting me wear makeup?”

“Why not? Anything worth doing is worth doing right, and anyway, I think this color suits you.” She smiled while she worked. When she finished, she set the tube aside and picked up a small bottle. “Your face has healed up enough that a little makeup should cover that scrape right up. I’m just thankful you didn’t need stitches.” A few moments later she handed me the mirror.

I couldn’t believe the difference. If people mistook me for a girl before, they’d never believe I wasn’t born one now. Margie had applied a light coat of pale pink lip gloss, and the strange sensation on top of my head was a simple yet elegant headband in a near identical shade of green as my top, keeping my hair in a feminine shape that just added to the total package.

I stood and hugged Margie tightly. “Thank you so much. I just hope the doctor doesn’t find it too weird.” I said quietly as Margie hugged me back.

“Don’t worry so much. Remember, you’re not the first person to have these kinds of feelings. Tell you what: if you feel up to it I’ll take you shopping after your appointment: my treat. Since you’ve decided you want to stay Robin for awhile, you’re going to need to expand your wardrobe anyway.”

I smiled and hugged her again. Finally things were starting to look up for me. If I had only known what was in store, I would’ve run straight to my room, locked the door, and never come out again.

My appointment was in New Haven, an hour’s drive away. We didn’t talk much on the drive in, as it was taking every ounce of strength within me not to be sick all over Margie’s floorboard. I opted to skip breakfast because of this, and I could already feel the toll. As unladylike as it would be, I began plotting getting my slender fingers around a double-cheeseburger deluxe the second we were out of there.

Margie checked me in promptly at ten and spent the next few minutes chatting with the overworked receptionist. She was kind of attractive, for an older woman, with silky brown hair in a short bob, wearing a conservative cream top and slacks.

The last time I had to sit in a waiting room was because my mom was in surgery for hours. I tried to lose myself in one of the old magazines strewn about the table in front of me while Margie filled out some sort of chart or other, but I just couldn’t focus, so I set it aside and began fidgeting with the hem of my skirt. Something about hospitals and clinics now made me feel unbelievably uncomfortable.

“Well aren’t you a pretty thing?” An older woman with graying black hair smiled down at me. I looked up at her, offering a nervous smile. “Thank you ma’am.”

“So polite, too. I wish my granddaughter was more like you!” She grinned, and I felt Margie squeeze my hand, as if to say ‘See?’ as the woman continued out. A moment later, I suddenly wanted to sink into the chair and disappear.

“Robert Smith?” An older male voice called from the doorway. He looked right past me several times before I finally, slowly raised my hand. I glanced at Margie, who shot him an icy glare.

She whispered to me, “I signed you in as Robin, I swear.”

I reluctantly stood as Margie approached the man. He looked an anachronism in this modern office, dressed in a three-piece suit and tie that I was sure had to be as old as its style suggested by all the lint. Had he never heard of dry-cleaning?

“Actually, I’d like to speak with Robert alone,” he admonished my sister in what I decided was not a neutral tone. She frowned. No, she glowered, as she returned to her chair, and I found myself being led into an adjoining hall, to a small office. The office it seemed fit the man. An old desk with a high-backed chair across from a much shorter leather chair on the other side dominated the room.

“Have a seat, Robert.” It wasn’t a suggestion. I reluctantly seated myself, trying as best I could to situate myself with the unbelievably uncomfortable chair: how I wish I'd worn jeans!

The hard old leather kept causing my skirt to ride up uncomfortably. He had by now sat across from me, staring down at me and my discomfort with mild irritation.

“There’s no need for that. You don’t have to put on a show for me, Robert.”

What was he talking about? I wasn’t putting on a show. I was genuinely uncomfortable and growing more so by the minute.

“I don’t know what you mean, sir. And can you please call me Robin?” I asked softly. I was already furious with him for embarrassing me in front of everyone out in the waiting room like that, but mistakenly decided to give him the benefit of the doubt.

“I’ve studied children like you before, Robert, and I believe that there is usually a root cause for this sort of acting out. Tell me about your father.” Again, it wasn’t a suggestion.

I heaved a sigh, and told him about how my dad had divorced Mom when I was little, and I never saw him again. For his part, he just nodded, stroking his neatly trimmed whiskers. When I finished, he sat forward, picking up a pen and a notepad and jotting something.

“Mmhmm. And how long have you been dressing like this, Robert?”

“Since I was four or five I guess.”

“Robert, you don’t have any brothers, do you?”

I shook my head.

“So it’s just your sister and mother then. Have they ever sexually abused you?”

At this point, I had had enough. I stood up, but he scowled. “Young man, please sit down and answer my question.” He sat his notepad down, staring me down as though I were a charging bull.

I meekly sat again, and shook my head.

“Well, it is my professional opinion that you obviously are lacking a positive male role model in your life, causing you to seek compensation by emulating your mother and your sister. I strongly suspect your sister had a hand in dressing you up like this.”

That was all I could stand.

“Now wait just a minute!”

“Young man, calm down.” He snapped.

“No! I’ve sat here and listened to you berate me and my family from the start. You haven’t listened to a word I’ve said. My mother’s lying in a hospital bed on the other side of the country right now, possibly dying and all you can do is insult the two people who’ve been nothing but nice to me!”

He opened his mouth to speak, but I interrupted him again, “Look, this is nobody’s ‘fault’. Nobody forced me to do this. Nobody’s ever abused me, and I refuse to listen to you try and accuse me or anyone else otherwise. I’m leaving!”

I stood up to storm out, furious. I probably overreacted, but everything had built up, and his embarrassing me in front of a waiting room full of patients, then acting like my poor mother had something to do with this when she didn’t even know, was just too much for me to handle.

He stood to stop me, but I stormed right past him very nearly stomping his foot as I went, and slamming the door behind me. He came running up behind me as I burst into the waiting room sobbing.

Margie tossed her magazine aside as she stood and threw her arms around me.

He started to speak, but looking between my furious sister, the scowling receptionist, and a little boy whose mother promptly grabbed his hand and led him out after the way the doctor had burst in after me, he threw up his hands and slunk out of the room in defeat.

As we stood waiting for the elevator, the receptionist approached us. I immediately moved closer to my sister, letting her put her arms around me protectively, but the other woman held up her hands in a gesture of peace.

“I just wanted to apologize on Doctor Rosen’s behalf. You won’t be charged for the session since it was so short.” I kind of felt insulted by that comment.

“How can someone like him still be allowed to practice?” I squeaked out, trying my best not to start sobbing again.

The receptionist didn’t answer, but she did offer a sympathetic smile. “You do look very pretty.” She offered, turning to walk away.

As we stepped into the elevator, Margie pressed ‘one’, then stood behind me, squeezing my shoulders. “She wasn’t lying about that part, you know. She couldn’t believe you were the ‘cross-dressing boy’ the doctor had mentioned to expect, to use her words.”

I turned around, burying myself in her hug. “Is that what I am? Margie, I don’t want to go back to being Robert again!” I couldn’t believe I just said that out loud. Even if it was what I had been thinking ever since Allison first dragged me off into her wonderful little Wonderland.

I didn’t mention the part about him insulting her or Mom. I wasn’t exactly thinking clearly, and felt more than a little embarrassed by my behavior too, but he started it!

She smiled as she stroked my hair. The whirr of the elevator was the only sound for a long, awkward moment prior to the doors opening, and the older woman that complimented me earlier stepped inside.

She immediately turned her gaze toward me, offering a positively grandmother-like smile. I never knew my grandparents on either side of my family, but if I had, I’d have hoped they had this woman’s demeanor.

“Whatever is the matter dear?” She asked, placing her hand gently on my back. I looked up at her hesitantly. Maybe it was her caring smile, or the fact that she reminded me of Doctor Brown, but I swallowed my pride and proceeded to explain how the extremely short session had gone.

Margie looked like she was ready to go back up there and punch his lights out when I mentioned that he thought Mom, and then she, were doing this to me.

The older woman sighed, shaking her head. “That man…” I wondered if they had some sort of pre-existing relationship. Perhaps she worked here? She glanced between the two of us briefly then offered her hand.

“I apologize for not introducing myself sooner. My name is Barbara Ketzowski - Doctor Ketz to my patients. And if you hadn’t told me you weren’t a girl, I’d never believe it.”

I reluctantly took her hand, as the elevator doors opened onto the first floor. She glanced at the open door, then at Margie and me, stepping out as we did.

“This is highly unorthodox, but I’ve had a patient cancel his appointment today. Unlike Philip, I treat cases of gender identity on a case by case basis if you’d like to try this again?

"I can assure you I will have a very stern word with my colleague later, in any event, and I will completely understand if you don’t want to, but I would like to help if I can.”

I looked to Margie, who just shook her head, offering in what I guessed was, under the circumstances, her best attempt at neutral. She resonated concern and unease, echoing my own feelings. “This is your decision, Robin. I can’t make it for you.”

She was right. I had to choose whether to trust this complete stranger, especially after what had just happened. It could have been worse, at least.

I’d had a fitful night of terrible dreams involving being forced into being Robert again through various means, each more terrifying than the previous, and dealing with Doctor Rosen had caused a great deal of those fears to resurface.

‘I did,’ I thought, ‘overreact, but then, so did he.’ On the other hand, Doctor Ketz seemed genuinely interested in talking and she certainly seemed nice enough.

Finally, I heaved a slow sigh. “What’ve I got to lose?” I felt Margie squeeze my hand as Doctor Ketz smiled.

“That’s the spirit. Now, Robin was it? As I said these are unusual circumstances, so how about we do this? Why don’t we go back to my office and talk for awhile. Call it an evaluation period. If you think you’d like to see me on a regular basis after that, then we can see about scheduling something more permanent for you.”

I liked her already. The way she phrased it made it sound like this was completely optional, like I had a say in things, which immediately made me feel better.

I gave her a small smile and nodded, and a few moments later we were back on the elevator. Thankfully Doctor Ketz’ office was on a different floor from Doctor Rosen’s. As far as I was concerned, I never wanted to see that grouchy old man again.

“I didn’t catch your name, by the way?” She turned to Margie as I pressed myself against the back wall. I was beginning to hate elevators.

I hadn’t eaten yet, and between the encounter with Doctor Rosen and the motion, I was feeling nauseous. At least, I HOPED it was that. Doctor Brown’s advisement echoed in my mind, and I became consciously aware. The elevator couldn’t move fast enough!

“Margie Evans.” My sister began as she offered her hand. “I’m Robin’s half-sister. Same father, different mother, but I love her with all my heart.”

Doctor Ketz smiled at that, and as the elevator doors opened, I quickly but politely rushed off the elevator. I leaned against the wall, inhaling and exhaling slowly.

“Are you alright Robin?” Doctor Ketz asked with concern.

I nodded, “I think so. I just felt nauseous for a second there. Normally I wouldn’t worry but I fell a couple of days ago, so I’ve been advised to watch for those things.”

Margie quickly moved to my side, adding, “Is it just nausea or something else?”

After a moment or two, I finally nodded, speaking in a relieved tone, “I’m okay now. I think it was just the elevator on top of everything else. I was already a nervous wreck this morning, then meeting Doctor Rosen,” I trailed off, frowning.

“I’m sorry about what happened back there. It’s just I’m really touchy about Mom, and he humiliated me in front of all those people when he called me ‘Robert’.”

Doctor Ketz frowned, but didn’t say anything. Not yet anyway. She led Margie and me past a waiting area to a much larger office with more modern furnishings. A stately oak desk dominated one corner of the room, but this time both the office chair and the set of leather chairs across from it were more evenly set.

To my surprise, Barbara only retrieved a notepad and pencil from her desk before motioning for us to follow her to the other side of the room, where a large sofa and chairs were arranged facing one another.

I smoothed my skirt as I sat down on the sofa, half-expecting another uncomfortable time ahead, with Margie sitting beside me and placing an arm around me supportively. To my surprise, it was actually quite comfy.

I leaned into her for a moment, but couldn’t help taking note that Doctor Ketz had already started writing. This didn’t sit well with me for some reason, but at least she hadn’t said anything to make me feel uneasy yet.

“Now, Robin, before we get started, is there anything you’d like to talk about?”

I looked at Margie, who just gave me a reassuring smile. There were so many things I wanted to talk about, but I couldn’t find the words.

I felt like a turtle at a zoo that had just been poked in the face with a sharp stick. I wanted to hide in my shell and stay there.

She seemed to sense my reluctance, breaking the awkward silence, “Well, I’m going to start by asking a few questions. I want you to answer as honestly as possible. I’m not here to judge, alright?”

I nodded and began fidgeting with my skirt again.

“Robin, tell me about your home life? Do you live with your sister or your parents?”

“It’s complicated. I’m living with Margie temporarily because my mom’s in the hospital, and dad … Well, he died years ago.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry.” She offered, putting down her pencil for a moment as she locked her gaze onto my face, offering a genuinely sympathetic smile. “Tell me about your mother. Why is she in the hospital?”

That question surprised me. I guess I was expecting to be grilled about my dressing right from the start again. I explained everything, in as much detail as I could manage without breaking down, about how the past week had transpired for me.

I wanted to stop just after the part about the accident, but she’d waved a juicy carrot in front of the turtle’s nose now. I wanted to say as much as I could before the urge to hide in my shell returned.

Doctor Ketz nodded as she listened. When I had finished, she tilted her head in thought for a moment then responded, “And you said your father passed away. How old were you when he died?”

“I guess I was seven.” I turned to Margie. “Wasn’t it right before you went to college?”

Margie nodded. “Yeah. He was working in the oil fields, and there was an accident with some heavy machinery. He was never father of the year material, but he had a really big insurance policy that he left us.”

I wondered why Margie felt compelled to mention that part. I guessed she just needed to defend the guy considering he abandoned her as well.

“I see. So he wasn’t around before that point, then?”

We both nodded in unison, and I spoke up this time, “Not since I was four.” Where was she going with this? I started to squirm a little. I just knew she was going to play the blame game.

“How long have you been dressing in girls’ clothes, Robin?” She asked in a gentle tone. She had by now picked up her pencil again. I tried not to notice, turning my focus on a weird framed ink blot on the far wall.

“Um, for as long as I can remember, I’ve snuck around trying on Mom’s things.” I proceeded to relate to her how I used to play dress-up when mom wasn’t home, when I thought I could get away with it, and how on several occasions I’d had close-calls with almost being caught by Margie when she’d babysit.

Margie sat in stunned silence as she listened.

“And you never suspected anything?” Doctor Ketz turned her attention to Margie now.

Margie bit her lip, squeezing me gently, “Kind of. I mean, I’ve always known she was a little different from most boys, and,” she hesitated, turning to me.

“Linda told me she suspected you were hiding something, sweetie, but she didn’t want to push you away any more than her schedule already did. She’d planned to ask if you wanted to come stay with me for awhile so you could have someone more readily available that you could trust.”

“Her schedule?” Barbara asked gently. Margie nodded.

“Linda is a nurse at Crisis Medical back in San Francisco. I babysat for Robin a lot when she was little because Linda was working full-time plus taking night classes. She only wanted what was best for her though.”

Barbara nodded, “I understand. Please continue.”

I held up a hand for Margie to wait, and both women turned their gaze to me.

“So… Mom knew?”

“She knew something was bothering you pretty deeply. She thought that coming out to Alpine Springs for a few weeks would do you some good to just get away for awhile. If she knew what, specifically, it was, she didn’t say, but in retrospect sweetie, I can kind of see it now.”

I nodded softly to indicate that that was all I wanted to know, and waited for her to continue.

“Anyway, when I came home that first day, Carol Jones, my next door neighbor, came over to talk to me. She told me how her daughter Allison had brought ‘my sister’ over.

"It would’ve been a little awkward since I’d told Carol my brother might be coming to stay for the summer with me, except that Carol’s eldest daughter whom I went to college with, is also like Robin, only she fully transitioned when she turned eighteen.”

I smiled a little, “Margie and Kelly, Allison’s sister, went to college together, and I think Mom might’ve had a hand in getting her in on the hospital’s transition certification thing.”

Margie gave a confirming nod. “Joe, Kelly’s dad, helped me get my clothing business off the ground by cosigning on a small business loan last year, so it was the least I could do to ask Linda if she’d help Kelly out in return.”

Barbara nodded slowly as she sat back in her chair. She glanced between the two of us for a moment. “Tell me about your life growing up, Robin. You said your sister went off to college when you were seven, but what about before that?”

“Before that? Margie was like a second mom. I mean, she was so much more than just a babysitter, and sometimes more than just a sister.”

“How so?”

“Well, I mean, like, we had little rituals that meant a lot to me. After bath time, the same time every night, she’d either pop some popcorn or pour us a bowl of chips or something, and we’d watch a movie together, then we’d play a couple of rounds of some board game or other before she tucked me in.”

“Beauty and the Beast, usually,” Margie added, causing me to blush a few shades of red as I smiled, offering a confirming nod.

She gave me a playful squeeze. “Hey, I enjoyed it too. It’s like I told Allison the other day, you’ve always sort of been my awesome baby sister. I just never fully realized it until now.”

“I’d like to touch on your mother’s accident again for just a moment. Do you feel comfortable talking about it?”

“I guess so,” I responded uneasily. “What do you want to know?”

“Well, let’s start with her condition. It must be serious for you to just uproot and move across the country like this?” Her tone was very gentle, despite the probing question. She was getting at something though.

I nodded softly, “The accident left her in a coma. The doctors did what they could to save her life, but they said she could be out for awhile.”

“I see. Robin, did they tell you how severe her injuries were?”

I reclined my head back slightly, closing my eyes as I tried to replay my brief conversation with Kelly, then turned to Margie. “I’m sorry, I never really asked. Margie, you talked to her doctors didn’t you?”

Margie gave me a hesitant nod. “It’s pretty bad. She was still in critical condition even after coming out of surgery. They wanted to wait until they got her stabilized before performing any serious tests.”

Doctor Ketz nodded silently.

“She’s going to be okay. I know she is. She has to be,” I said softly.

“How did it happen?”

Margie picked up this line of questioning as well. “She fell asleep at the wheel. She was wearing her seatbelt, but something …” Margie trailed off.

Doctor Ketz reached over to hand her a tissue, which she promptly accepted, dabbing at her eyes. Margie wasn’t my mom’s daughter, but they were close friends because of me. It never occurred to me how much this must have hurt for her too.

“I’m sorry,” she offered, then glanced at me, “Robin, I don’t know if you want to hear this or not. You can step out for a second if you want?”

I shook my head. “No, I-I wanna know what happened.”

She breathed a slow sigh, nodding. “When I spoke to her doctors, they told me that something in her car, possibly even part of the steering wheel, but they were waiting for the investigative report to be filed to be sure, broke loose and struck her.

"She drove one of those little older model compact cars, and when it hit the tree it crumpled like a soda can,”

I immediately cringed, burying my face in her shoulder. “I really wish I hadn’t asked that. But she IS going to be okay right?” Silence. “… Right?!”

Doctor Ketz leaned forward, gently placing her hand on my knee. “Robin, it’s important for you to understand that your mother’s condition is very serious, but I also don’t want you to give up hope.

"This is a traumatic experience for any young person, and you have to go through it in the middle of what may very well be a life-changing experience for you.

"If it’s alright, I’d like to change the topic for a moment, but I mean absolutely no disrespect toward your mother in doing so. Is that alright?”

I nodded meekly.

“How do you feel when you’re dressed like this, Robin? Remember to answer honestly, dear. And take your time if you need.” I couldn't help wondering if the sudden topic shift was more for my benefit, to let what we had just discussed better sink in without causing me a breakdown in the process.

I silently pondered her question. No one had ever asked me that before, though it was certainly something I gave a lot of thought. I closed my eyes, inhaled slowly, and answered.

“In a way, I don’t feel anything.”

“How so?” She responded almost immediately, but in that same gentle tone I’d come to love about her today.

“I mean, as Robert, I have trouble focusing because I’m always thinking about or wishing I could dress like and be treated as a girl. Like this, as Robin, I don’t have that constantly in the back of my mind. I feel … ‘right’, like this is how I always want to be.”

“How would you feel if you had to go back to being Robert?” That question should have sent me running right the heck out of there, but somehow, either the way she phrased it, her tone, or the fact that I was nuzzled pretty closely into Margie’s side, gave me the reassurance I needed to answer honestly.

“I don’t think I could. I’ve spent the last three days as Robin and I don’t think I would’ve made it as Robert, on top of everything else. I mean, I would probably have still gone off and gotten lost in the woods, but I wouldn’t have had nearly as much fun spending time with Allison.

"To be honest the idea of going back to being Robert already makes me physically ill.” I hesitated, biting my lip. Doctor Ketz patiently watched for me to continue.

“I wish I had been born a girl, honestly.” I couldn’t believe I just said that.

Doctor Ketz nodded indifferently and jotted something down.

Margie added a moment later, “Tell her about what happened at school, sweetheart.”

“You had trouble at school?” She injected. I nodded. I'd never told Margie, but I guessed Mom had.

“I was always the butt of people’s jokes, but one girl used me to make her ex-boyfriend jealous, and after he beat me up, “winning” her back, I got called a wimp for not fighting back.”

“Why didn’t you fight back? Remember, There is no judging here. I’m only curious.”

“I just wanted to be out of the situation and not have to deal with it anymore, but I also still cared about her enough to not want her to hate me even more for getting the other guy in trouble either. I mean, she wasn’t always like that. I guess I thought, pretty stupidly, that she might see that someday.”

“I see." She paused in thought a moment, "Did people mistake you for a girl when you were dressed as Robert?” She deflected the subject again. I wondered if she could see how uncomfortable I was with the current trail of thought.

I laughed. I genuinely laughed. “Constantly, ever since I started letting my hair grow a couple of years ago,” I said emphatically.

She chuckled, “Does that bother you?”

“It used to. I mean, it did, but it didn’t. On some level I reveled in it. What bothered me was having to pretend to be offended all the time, pretending to be ‘male’.”

“So you’re saying you liked being mistaken for a girl, even when you weren’t trying to present as one?”

I nodded.

“Let me ask you something, Robin. Are you familiar with the term gender dysphoria?”

“My friend Allison talked about it a little.”

“Hm. I see. So how much did Allison tell you?”

“Just that people with gender dysphoria are unhappy or uncomfortable with their birth sex. She said it was way over her head, but that she was okay with it.”

“That is an oversimplified definition, yes. I would like very much to continue to meet with you on a regular basis because I believe you are sincere in your desire to remain as Robin, and I strongly suspect you to be transgender. I assume that you’re familiar with the term ‘transexual’?”

I visibly cringed. I was familiar with the word, but it had a pretty bad connotation for me.

“It’s okay to be uneasy about that word. Modern media, and the attitudes of people such as Doctor Rosen do not help, but it doesn’t mean you are a bad person, or even that there’s anything wrong with you. It just means you’re a unique young lady.

“I’d like to meet with you again on a regular basis so we can discuss that further as well as helping you to cope with the trauma surrounding your mother’s accident if you feel comfortable with it. If not, I can give you a list of therapists I trust that you can cross-reference with your friend Allison’s sister, if she grew up in this area during her transition.”

I smiled as much as I could, “I’d like to meet with you again. You actually listen, and you’re easy to talk to.” I responded.

She smiled and turned a page in her notebook, but I couldn’t see what she’d written. A moment later she’d jotted something else down, tearing out the page and handing it to Margie.

“I’d like to meet this Tuesday, and again next Saturday, if at all possible. If you can’t make it, just call that number and let my secretary know. Robin, I’m going to give you my private number as well. If you ever feel the need to talk to someone, day or night, give me a call.

"I don’t normally do this for patients after just one session, but you remind me of precisely why I became a therapist.”

She smiled, handing me a separate sheet of paper with her contact information. “You said you’ve been living as Robin for a few days now. I’d like for you to continue to do so.

"You have at least one friend who knows you as Robin, and your sister supports you completely. I believe that denying this part of you would be detrimental to your mental health.”

I blinked at her. Was she serious? I practically leapt off the sofa as she stood, throwing my arms around her. “Thank you!” I was overjoyed. I could continue being Robin, and what’s more, I had a doctor’s permission to do so!

When we left the doctor’s offices to find something to eat, I couldn’t help but find a new, small spring in my step. Doctor Ketz had made me painfully aware of Mom’s condition, and Doctor Rosen was a grade-A jerk of the worst caliber of closed-minded quack, as far as I was concerned, but Doctor Ketz herself seemed an angel sent from Heaven.

As I sat in the car, I pulled out my cell phone and dialed.

“Hello?” Allison answered. Thank God she was home.

“Hey Ally,” I tried to sound cheerful. I mean, I had incredible news to share, “Guess what?”

“Oh, hey Robin! What’s up?”

“I get to continue being Robin - doctor’s orders!”

She squealed. “That’s great! Hey, are you on your way back? I’ve got someone who wants to talk to you here.”

“Margie’s taking me shopping, but I should be back this afternoon. Is Kelly there?”

“You are so lucky. Do me a favor?” She asked in the sweetest tone she could muster. I knew she was up to something.

“Um, I’ll try?”

She giggled, “You’d better. If you go to the mall, look for a place called Claire’s. TRUST me, you’ll thank me later!”

“Claire’s?” I responded. Margie’s eyes lit up as she looked at me.

“Um, Ally? I think I’ve gotta go. Margie’s grinning like a fiend and I’m starting to get scared.”

“Heehee! Have fun! To answer your question, Kelly says ‘Hi’. She made me promise not to say anything else though.” I could hear someone giving raspberries in the background, and couldn’t help laughing to myself as I pressed the ‘End’ button on my phone.

As we sat at the traffic light, I couldn’t help but wonder why Allison’s sister wouldn’t let her say anything else. Was it news about Mom? I resolved not to try and get Kelly on the phone though.

I knew how close I came to losing it in Doctor Ketz’ office, when Margie explained just how serious things were. I did not need to have another breakdown if something was wrong.

What was a Claire’s, though? The name sounded familiar somehow.

* * *
Chapter 8 - Enter Nicole
* * *
Shopping as a girl, especially with my big sister picking up the tab, was an experience like nothing else. I felt incredibly self-conscious initially. Even if I was dressed as a girl and apparently passing well, I still had trouble getting past the notion of a boy in a dress in the girls’ department, trying on clothes.

It was different when it was just a small group of people like at home or the doctor’s, but this was a very public place, and what’s more, I could still hear Doctor Rosen’s stern voice deflecting Margie, insisting he ‘Speak with Robert alone’.

An older girl — I’d guess about seventeen pretty handily shattered my reluctance as I came out of the dressing room to get Margie’s opinion on a pale pink three-quarter sleeve top.

“Oh wow! That is really pretty! Where on earth did you find that top?”

I giggled, pointing to the nearby rack. “Over there. Does it look okay? I had to wear this skirt for my doctor’s appointment so it’s hard to tell.”

“It looks totally fab. Actually it compliments your skirt nicely. It’s a little conservative, but it’s still cute,” she spoke as she searched through the clothing rack.

“Score! It’s in my size too!” She excitedly bounded into the other changing room, leaving me a little bewildered, but feeling a lot better about myself.

Several stores, and several shopping bags later, we arrived at our last stop, the elusive Claire’s. I had no words! They had everything a teen girl could ever want and more.

As I perused the hair accessories, I suddenly felt as though someone was standing behind me. I turned find an older girl — a senior I guessed, smiling warmly at me. Her pretty blue eyes sparkled, and her rich chestnut hair was cut in a shoulder-length summer style that framed her face perfectly.

“Finding everything okay?” She asked. I gave her a nervous smile as I nodded, “My friend Ally told me I should come check this place out. I… um… I’m sort of coming out of a tomboy phase?” I lied. Well, I half-lied.

I could see that the gears in her head were turning as she grinned. “Ohhh, so that’s why you’re not pierced, huh?”

I blinked at her. “Pierced?”

“Your ears, silly! Most girls at least get the lobes done by now. My cousin has two sets plus uppers,” She motioned to a point on the upper part of her ear, “But there’s a limit to what I’ll do in the name of fashion.” She laughed.

“You know we are doing a special today. If you spend twenty dollars I can pierce them for free.”

I looked down at the small hand basket holding bracelets, rings, hair pins and scrunchies. I had already easily spent thirty.

“I’ll have to ask my sister.” I said, trying my best to sound like I expected Margie to say no, when the truth was, I just wasn’t sure if I was ready for this yet.

“Tall redhead with the cute dark blue top and skinny jeans?” She asked. I nodded. “She asked me to come see if you were interested, actually.”

She what? Well, to my sister’s credit, she wasn’t forcing this on me the way Doctor Rosen seemed to believe. She was, however, facilitating. There’s a huge difference!

“Does it hurt?”

“A little, but it’s not nearly as bad as it sounds. The trick is to not watch. If you don’t see it coming, and if you can just force yourself to think about something else, it’ll be over before you know it. They will be tender for a couple of weeks so you have to be careful doing your hair, though.”

I finally gave an uneasy nod. “Okay, you talked me into it.”

“Great!” She smiled and took my free hand, leading me to another part of the store where she had me sit.

“With the gun we’ll start with a simple stud because it’s just easier. The cousin I mentioned does needle piercing, but this is perfectly safe for your lobes. Anyway, after a couple of weeks your holes should be healed and you can be more daring: hoops and dangles.” Clearly, she was enjoying this. I was too, to tell the truth.

“So, do you want a birthstone set, or something simple?”

“Birthstone would be neat. My birthday’s in February if that helps?” I offered.

“Amethyst. You’re so lucky! My birthday is in August. Whoever picked the gemstones must’ve hated August because it’s a really boring pale green. Now, close your eyes. I love your outfit by the way.”

I closed my eyes, and blushed at the compliment, at least until I felt a sharp stabbing in my right ear. I flinched, biting my tongue to keep from complaining. After another sharp stab, she declared, “Done!”

I opened my eyes again to find a small mirror held up to my face. My new amethyst-tipped studs seemed to sparkle in the store’s light. I smiled brightly and hugged her. She seemed surprised by the sudden hug, but patted my back.

“You’re, uh, welcome. Glad you like them. Here, take this too.” She placed a small bottle along with a folded piece of paper in my hand.

“Cleaning instructions and stuff to keep them from getting infected: just follow the directions and you’ll be fine. My mom made me use a sea salt solution on mine once a day too, but the solution should be enough”

“Oh those are adorable,” Margie commented as she came over. “All set?”

I nodded, holding up my basket. “Yeah. I found the cutest jelly bracelet and tons of other cool stuff to try out on my hair.”

Margie grinned as the sales girl rang up everything. As we were leaving Claire’s behind, I noticed her carrying a small shopping bag she didn’t have before “So, you did some shopping without me, hmm?” By now I was feeling a little more at ease in my feminine role, and even a little playful.

Margie laughed, “I was hoping you’d say yes to getting your ears done so I could sneak away and get something for you.” She stopped, turning to face me as she reached into the bag, producing a cute little black faux-leather purse.

“Oh Margie, I love it!” I immediately tossed it over my shoulder. Something rattled inside, so I opened it up and took a peek, to discover she’d apparently had time to toss in a few things, including a wallet, a few dollars in assorted change, a brand new makeup compact, and the tube of lip gloss from this morning.

“Just a few essentials. You’re going to need to start carrying that around with you from now on. Don’t leave it anywhere, and don’t lose it. Your purse is your life.” She advised in a serious tone. I just smiled and hugged her again. It was weird getting this kind of advice from her, but I certainly welcomed it!

We continued out to the parking lot, arriving at her car with our latest round of conquests. All told, thanks to a ‘Beginning of Summer’ mall-wide sale I came away with several new tops and blouses, skirts, jeans, casual dresses, and two more formal dresses ‘just in case’, several pairs of shoes, and now a new all-occasions purse!

We also got me some new underwear as well as padded bras to fill out my clothes better. It was nothing fancy, really, just another bump in the road to becoming a more believable girl. We had already stayed in New Haven past noon, so since we’d already gotten a bite to eat before the shopping extravaganza we decided to start heading back home.

As we pulled into the driveway, Allison came out to meet us. An unfamiliar cherry red Ford Focus sat on the street in front of the Jones’ house. I presumed it to be Allison’s sister’s, or at least a weekend rental.

“Jeeze girl. When you go shopping, you REALLY go shopping don’t you?” She commented as Margie and I began unloading packages and bags.

“Margie says my wardrobe was painfully limited.” I thought Allison’s jaw was going to fall right off her face when I turned to face her.

“OHMYGOD you got your ears pierced!” She squealed as she hugged me, causing me to nearly drop my shopping bags. I just sort of gave her a lopsided grin and nodded.

“You just had to mention Claire’s.”

Both she and Margie giggled, as they helped me carry everything inside. I had just carried the last of my new things up to my room when someone knocked at the door downstairs.

I ran downstairs to see who it was, with Allison right behind me, grinning like a shark. Margie had just opened the door as I hit the bottom step.

“Hi Margie!” Kelly exclaimed as she hugged my sister. Kelly smiled at me as she moved closer, putting her hands on my shoulders.

“It’s good to see you again, and smiling for a change! “ She said in a disarming, gentle tone then added a moment later, “Hey! Those are new!”

As she admired my new ear accessories, I just sort of smiled at her. It took actually, physically seeing Kelly for me to finally understand what everyone had been telling me. Tears rolled down my cheeks, completely ruining my makeup as I hugged her.

“Oh Kelly, I’m so glad to see you!” I started, sobbing intermittently.

She gave me a concerned look as she put her arms around me, and Margie motioned towards the living room. “Why don’t you three go sit down and I’ll make us some tea.”

Allison just nodded, as she followed Kelly, who guided me into the living room. As they sat and listened, I told them about my encounter that morning with Doctor Rosen, and the way he had treated me.

I could see the disgust on Kelly’s face. One fist was clenched, and Allison was positively scowling.

“How can someone like that still be allowed to practice?” Kelly finally snarled.

“You took the words right out of my mouth,” Allison added a moment later.

“He actually thought Margie and Mom were responsible for all this. Margie didn’t even KNOW about this until you caught me the other day, Ally. Momma might have known, but if she did she never said anything. And he humiliated me in front of all those people.” I trailed off, heaving a sigh as I buried myself in Kelly’s shoulder.

Allison shook her head slowly. “Even if they had put you up to this, that’s no reason to treat you like that!” Allison seemed to be more upset than I was about the ordeal, though I at least had my time with Doctor. Ketz, plus shopping, to ease the pain.

“I can give you the names of several good therapists in New Haven if you want, Robin. I swear to you they’re not all like that crazy old man,” Kelly added. I smiled as I nodded.

“Thank you, but I have someone. We bumped into Doctor Ketzowski on our way out. She saw I was upset, and asked me what was wrong, and when I told her about Doctor Rosen, she promised to ‘have a stern word’ with him later.”

Allison and Kelly looked at each other and giggled. The elder sister grinned, “That’s code for ‘someone’s in for an ass-chewing of a lifetime’. I’ve seen it around Crisis Medical a few times. It’s not pretty.”

“Speaking of Crisis Medical, how’s Mom?”

Kelly visibly flinched. I guessed she knew this one was coming. She took my hand between hers before responding, “I’m afraid there hasn’t been any change in her condition yet. It’s too early to give up hope, though. It’s only been a couple of days.”

“What about the tests? She’s got to be stable enough for them right?”

Kelly nodded, “Only just. It’s been touch and go. Robin, I’m sorry. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy, let alone my little sister’s new best friend — or my best friend’s little sister for that matter.”

Allison moved around to my other side and put an arm around me. “Robin, I’m so sorry. If there’s anything we can do…”

I just shook my head, offering them both a small smile as Margie returned carrying a battered old tin TV tray with three glasses of peach iced tea, and one steaming mug of herbal tea that she handed off to me.

“No caffeine for you, young lady. You’ve had a stressful enough day.” She teased, while passing out drinks, then took a seat on one of the nearby chairs.

“So what did Doctor Ketzo-whatever-it-was say?” Kelly asked, before practically inhaling a long, slow sip from her glass.

I giggled a little, breaking the somber mood that had taken hold of the conversation a moment ago. “Doctor Ketz said she thinks I’m gender dysphoric, and she wants to meet with me again. In the meantime I’m to continue living as Robin, as though anyone could stop me at this point.”

“Good for you,” Kelly replied with a knowing smile. “Once I started living as Kelly, there was no turning back. I won't lie to you Robin. I ... was ready to kill myself before I’d ever go back. It’s a scary place to be, and you have to understand this above all else; whatever path you ultimately choose, you have to do what YOU feel is right.”

I nestled back into the sofa, sipping my tea. I wasn’t sure how to respond. Everything was happening so fast.

“Everything is happening so fast.” I finally echoed my inner dialogue.

“I’ll bet. It’s not every day a girl finds herself and gets to be herself over the course of two days. A lot of girls like us never get that chance.” Kelly’s tone was softer now. I shifted my posture to try and read between the lines in what she meant, but she abruptly changed the subject.

“So how is the store?”

“Slow, but we’re starting to turn a profit with the new summer fashions. How’s your certification coming?” Margie replied.

Before Kelly could answer, there was another knock at the door. Margie glanced over at the three of us, and Allison and Kelly shrugged in unison. Whoever it was, they weren’t expecting anyone.

“I’ll get it.” I offered, setting my mug down and untangling myself from the other two. Don’t get me wrong, I was enjoying being so close to Kelly and Allison. They were both so unbelievably supportive, but the day had been hard on Margie too.

The whole week had been hard on her. Not only did she have to deal with everything that had happened too, but she had been trying to protect me from the truth. It was her time to relax for a minute.

Now, I had never really been into Goth girls, but I was about to have my mind changed for me on that matter, as standing on the front porch was the prettiest girl I’d ever seen. Allison was attractive, but this girl left me stunned silent.

She stood a few inches taller than me, with raven hair to her shoulder. Her front bangs were dyed fuscia, and I found myself completely lost in her beautiful brown eyes, lined in just enough eyeliner at the edges to be noticeable against her pale skin, to say nothing of the perfectly applied plum lipstick, or the lace-for-spaghetti-straps black tank top that could have been tailor-made the way it clung to her figure.

“So you’re the reason I haven’t heard from Ally in like, three days.” She spoke with a soft, faint touch of Louisiana brogue that shook me from my reverie, and a sarcastic tone that made me want to shrink back.

I think she sensed my unease though because she immediately offered her hand, and an awkward smile, “Relax. I was only kidding. I’m Nicole. Mrs. Jones said Ally was here. I’m not interrupting anything am I?”

“Um… Robin.” I managed, trying to regain my composure and failing miserably. She gave me an odd sort of glance as I accepted her offered hand.

“Well, it’s nice to meet you Robin.” She replied.

“Nikki!” Nicole’s black stiletto boots had no sooner touched the hardwood than we heard Allison squeal as she barreled into the foyer from the living room. I thought she was going to tackle the poor girl, but she stopped short, settling for a hug instead. Nicole returned the hug with decidedly practiced neutrality.

“Ah, and there she is.” Nicole mused. “I was just telling your new girlfriend here how I hadn’t heard from you in days. I was wondering if I should send a search party.”

Allison and I looked at each other, and I began to blush intensely. Nicole shifted her dark brown gaze between the two of us, and started laughing.

“Always knew my big mouth would get me in trouble someday. Hey, what you two do is your own business.”

This time, Allison blushed. “No no, it’s not like that. It’s a long story, and I need Robin’s permission to say anything more than that.” She smiled, deferring to me.

“Maybe we should go up to my room and talk? It’s not that I don’t want Margie and Kelly to hear anything, but I’ve been on my feet all day. I need to sit.”

Had Allison not told Jennifer, and by proxy Nicole that I was really a boy? Well, this could get interesting. I wanted to completely forget that part and start fresh, but if Allison felt comfortable talking about it, then I wouldn’t argue.

“Sure. I just came over to hang out for awhile.” Nicole responded in a casual tone. As we hit the top of the stairs, I stopped just outside, turning to the newcomer.

“Listen, Nicole, I need to warn you about something. My bedroom is a converted nursery which I had no hand whatsoever in decorating. You might want to shield your eyes.”

She rolled her eyes at me. “Oh, please. It’s not like I’ve never been in Ally’s room before.”

Allison and I exchanged a ‘We tried to warn her’ glance, before I opened the door.

“Oh my God,” She exhaled under her breath as we entered. Shopping bags and shoe boxes were strewn about in disarray in addition to the sea of pink.

“I swear I will never say another foul word about your room again, Ally.” She said in a sober tone, Allison giggling quietly as she sat on the floor by my bed.

I sat with my knees together on top of my hand-me-down fluffy white comforter, picking up my pillow and hugging it to me briefly before kicking my borrowed sandals off, letting them flop to the floor beside Allison.

I rested my pillow just beneath my chin as my bare feet dangled off the edge of the bed, taking a moment to gather my thoughts before addressing what I thought was Allison’s desire to tell Nicole about me.

“So, Ally, you wanted to tell Nicole… I trust your judgment.” I finally admitted.

“What ARE you two going on about anyway?” Nicole insisted as she sat on the bed next to me.

For someone whom I had so vehemently pegged as a classic Goth girl a few minutes ago, she at least seemed kind of laid-back. There was something else though.

I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I’d sworn I saw her staring when she thought I wasn’t looking. I also couldn’t shake the feeling that something was bothering her, like her neutral attitude was being forced. Allison didn’t seem to notice.

“Well, Robin’s had a really tough week. Her mom’s in the hospital, in a coma, back in California so she had to come stay with her sister for a little bit. She went out for a walk to clear her head a couple of days ago, and got lost in the woods. I was on one of the search and rescue teams that found her.”

Nicole listened intently as Allison explained, nodding when she finished. For my part, I was just relieved the topic had nothing to do with what led up to my getting lost. Not yet, anyway.

“Ah-ha-ha, so that’s what the giggle fits were about. I thought … never mind.” She grinned. I tilted my head to stare at her.

“What?”

Allison laughed. “She thought we were dating. You didn’t catch that ‘new girlfriend’ crack? Nikki has a wicked sense of humor.”

“Yeah, but that’s why you love me.” She added. Meanwhile, I was turning about ten shades of red.

Nicole didn’t seem to notice, mercifully. She’d lain back on my bed with her hands behind her head, staring at my ceiling. “So anyway, I might be at camp next week, figured I’d just pop in and hang out a little. Jen said you called her about a new friend you were worried about.”

She paused, tilting her head toward me, “I guess that’s you, Robin. I know we just met and all, but Ally’s a good judge of character, sooo if you ever need to talk and she’s not around just come find me, yeah?”

I smiled a little as I nodded. “Thanks. That means a lot to me. It really does. I’m still getting used to the idea of having friends I can trust.”

Nicole sat straight up and stared at me as though I were speaking a foreign language. “You’re joking right? I figured a cutie like you’d be Miss Popularity.”

I rolled my shoulders. I don’t know what came over me. Maybe it was the encounter with Doctor Whacko earlier, but I suddenly felt emboldened to respond to her comment, “And I thought you were going to bite my neck when I first opened the door.”

Allison stared up at both of us. I think she expected a nuclear war of words to follow. Nicole tilted her head and stared at me. She started laughing.

Allison giggled as she stood up, sitting on my bed and sandwiching me in a hug between the two of them. Nicole hesitantly returned the hug, giving me a good-natured pat on my shoulder afterwards. Maybe I was just imagining things, but there just seemed to be something off about her demeanor.

“Hey, Nicole,” I started. She interrupted me,

“Please! Call me Nikki. You earned it.” She smiled,

“Nikki, then, I don’t mean to impose, but is everything okay?”

She gave a blank stare in return then smiled. It looked forced. “I don’t know what you mean.” She glanced off again, “Well anyway I’ll see you two later,” she said in a much more serious tone as she got up to leave. Was she crying?

I looked at Allison, who gave me the same absolutely puzzled expression.

“Nikki, wait.” I moved to follow, catching her by the arm. She recoiled sharply at first, but slowly turned back to face us. “… Sorry. I… Yeah, no, I’m not okay.”

By now, Allison had risen as well, and moved to Nikki’s side. “What is it? You can talk to me, and believe me, you can trust Robin.”

“I can leave if you want?” I offered. Sure, this was my sister’s house, and my room, but if it would help a friend of a friend… Tears rolled down Nikki’s face as she stared at me.

“No, don’t you dare go anywhere. If anyone’s leaving it’ll be me. I didn’t want to make a big scene at my best friend’s new friend’s house.” She sighed, plopping down on the bed. I grabbed a box of tissues from my nightstand; Allison and I sandwiched her between us this time.

“I just broke up with my boyfriend, Jason. Actually the jerk broke up with my voice mail. Not even a reason, just, ‘Hey babe, uh, yeah, it’s over. So later.’” She buried her face in her hands as Allison hugged her. I squeezed her arm lightly with my left hand as I ran the other slowly over her hair to try and comfort her.

“I’m so sorry Nikki,” I offered softly.

“We were together for like, four months, and then just out of the blue like this… God I hate men!” I winced a little. That little guilty feeling began welling up all over again. Allison shot me a glance behind Nikki’s back. She knew me too well, already.

“… Hey, tonight’s your last night for a week, right?” I didn’t know what else to do. She needed to take her mind off her boyfriend dumping her, and I was supposed to be living as Robin, plus I needed to not think about these new feelings of abandonment that had been slowly developing since Doctor Ketz’ session. I had a crazy idea.

“Yeah, but I dunno if I’m going. My heart’s just not in it anymore.” She was one of those people who, when she cried, she did so quietly.

I could barely even tell she was still crying save for the fresh tears in her eyes when she looked up at me, searching my face for where I was going with my sentiment. Allison interrupted, though.

“Nikki… No, you’ve been looking forward to this for months! You can’t let him ruin this for you!” she pleaded.

Nicole shifted her gaze to Allison. She wanted to say something, but it took her a few seconds to find the words. “It’s not just about Jason, Ally,” she spoke nervously.

Allison didn’t respond, so I offered her as sincere a smile as I could muster, “My therapist wants me to stop suppressing my girlish tendencies,” I began. I tried my best to make it sound like I had just going through a phase. Technically I was. It’s just that it lasted my entire life up until recently.

“Girlish tendencies…?” She echoed, wrinkling her nose.

“She was a total tomboy.” Allison added flatly. To her credit, she managed to make Nicole laugh.

“Now that explains a lot. So anyway, what are you getting at?”

“Well,” I continued. God, what was I doing? But I couldn’t just let her give up. Why couldn’t I? I have no idea. I just couldn’t! “I’ve never had a real slumber party. Just, y’know, a girls’ night to have fun.”

“So,” she reached up to dry her eyes. Her beautiful brown gaze settled on my face, and I just wanted to melt right there. She was so pretty.

“What you’re saying is, you, me, and Allison should get together tonight, do each others’ hair and nails, watch some bad movies while screaming our heads off and giggling all night. Is that it?” When she put it like that…

“Sorry. It was a stupid idea,” I offered quietly as I glanced away.

She squeezed my hand, causing me to look back again just as she smiled. “I’d love to.”

“You really are a miracle-worker,” Allison mused with disbelief at what just happened.

“What makes you say that?” I responded, dumbfounded. Nicole answered for her, with a quiet chuckle.

“She’s been trying to get me to sleep over since we’ve been friends.”

“I’m glad I could help, I think,” I offered, unsure of exactly what to make of what just transpired myself, now.

Somehow I had singlehandedly prodded my new best friend’s old best friend to not only open up about what was bothering her, but also get her to agree to a sleepover for the first time since they’d been friends.

Deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole I fell. I hoped I’d never be able to find my way back out, either.

“We can use the den at my house. Daddy’s away on business again,” Allison emphasized the word ‘again’ with a certain dramatic flair that came with years of practice. Apparently Mr. Jones was a busy man. “So it’d just be us girls.”

“That sounds great. Plus, let’s be honest, you have the entertainment center of the freaking gods.” I added.

Nicole laughed. “Now you know where that expression, ‘Keeping up with the Joneses’ comes from.”

Becoming Robin By Zoe Taylor Heart to Heart -/- Guilt by Association   I moved closer, trying to be quiet, but she looked up as I approached anyway, forcing a smile. I knew this would be bad news. “That was Kelly,” she began, and stood to wrap her arms around me. “What’s wrong?” I asked her. I really did not want to know the answer to this question.

---

 
I walked with Nicole and Allison back downstairs, Kelly meeting us at the bottom.

“Everything okay girls?” she asked, setting her gaze on Nicole. Apparently they hadn’t gotten along too well in the past, though her gaze seemed to soften as she realized Nicole had been crying.

Allison chimed in before Nicole could respond, “Great! Nikki finally agreed to a sleepover thanks to Robin.”

“Really? Don’t tell me your gloom cookie days are behind you?” She gave Nicole a playful smile.

“Hey, one step at a time, Princess,” she retorted, but returned the smile nonetheless.

“Robin, can I talk to you for a second?” Kelly turned her attention to me. I nodded, glancing at the other two who gave me a kind of ‘Are you in trouble? Good luck!’ smile in unison, quickly making themselves scarce. I sat down on the stairs, with Kelly sitting beside me a moment later.

“What’s up?” I said with a little more confidence in my tone than I had intended, but something about helping a total stranger feel a little better about being dumped just made my day seem a little brighter too.

“You’re certainly in a good mood. Excited about the sleepover I take it?”

“Yeah, I’ve never been to a real sleepover before. Plus Nikki seems really nice.”

She laughed, “Yeah, she’s okay. We’ve butted heads in the past, but when the chips are down I know she has Ally’s back. Don’t tell her I said that though. It might ruin my tough big sister image.” She winked, giving a playful nudge with her shoulder, then continued.

“So are you okay?”

“You mean about Dr. Rosen, or Mom?”

She nodded quietly, but didn’t specify which. “The weirdest part is I actually stood up to him at all. I’m usually really timid, but when he started slamming my family, it was all I could stand. I told him right off, and stormed out of his office.”

Kelly smiled as she hugged me. “I’m proud of you. I know your mom would be too.”

Oh, crap. How was I ever going to explain all this to her? My face fell, and Kelly enveloped me another warm hug.

“I’m sorry Robin. I didn’t mean to make you feel worse. I’m worried about her too, but as soon as I hear something you and Margie will be the first to know, I promise.”

I shook my head. “It’s not that, Kelly. I mean, it’s not just that. How… am I going to explain all this to her when she wakes up?”

“Oh, honey, your mom loves you, and you’re her only child. If anything you’ll probably be a lot closer after this.” She seemed so certain, so absolutely right in those words that I had to ask.

I hadn’t heard the front door slide open, nor did I hear Nicole’s boots on the hardwood. I was so lost in our conversation that the rest of the world just didn’t matter right then.

“How can you be so sure?”

She just smiled, stroking my hair slowly. I leaned a little closer, and put my head on her shoulder. I found that since becoming Robin, or I should say, since I stopped pretending to be Robert, I could be closer to people physically like I’d always wanted to be, without them acting awkward or uneasy about it. I loved it.

“Because that’s how it was with my mom. We were never all that close. I constantly stayed in trouble at school, always fighting, and torturing poor Ally, then when I was expelled for hospitalizing another student that was the last straw.

“Dad wanted to send me off to military school, but I knew what they’d do to someone like me there. Allison probably told you all this, but there’s more.

“After I was allowed to transition, to start living as Kelly, it was like night and day. Everything felt so…” She hesitated, and I smiled, answering.

“So right?”

“Exactly! The first time Mom took me shopping as her eldest daughter was one of the happiest days of my life, as goofy as that sounds.”

I smiled at that thought. Shopping with Margie was incredibly fun, and Mom and I were always kind of close, so it made sense.

“Feel better now?” She asked, in a calm tone. I nodded and smiled a little.

“A little. Thanks, Kelly. I really owe you. You want to come to our slumber party tonight?”

She laughed. “I might watch a movie with you girls, but I don’t want to impose too much. This is your night.” She smiled as she hugged me. She stood and offered her hand to pull me up.

“Could you do me a big favor and let Margie know? I’ve got to go over and talk to Ally about tonight!” I said with no small amount of excitement. Tonight was going to be a night to remember for all of us. Just us girls!

“Sure thing,” she responded and headed off into the kitchen. I rounded the corner around the stairs, and almost literally ran into Nicole

“Oh, jeeze, you startled me!” I paused, “Umm…”

“Sorry, Robin. I didn’t mean to hear anything.”

“But?”

She held up her hands. “Hey, it’s none of my business. Listen, Ally wanted to know if you mind if she invites another friend of ours.” She paused, awkwardly adding a moment later, “And I wanted to thank you again for being so sweet, too. Still dunno how you knew something was bothering me. Even Ally didn’t realize it.”

“I guess sometimes it just takes an outside perspective,” I offered as I smiled at her, continuing, “And as for your friend, I don’t mind at all. I just figured this would be something fun to kind of take both our minds off our problems and just be silly girls for one night, you know?”

I didn’t know why I felt so nervous talking to Nicole, especially alone like this. I’d spent the last couple of days almost non-stop with Allison. The way Nicole’s hair shimmered in the ambient light though, that cute half-smile of hers, and those gorgeous brown eyes, to say nothing of her accent.

Oh God, was I falling for my best friend’s best friend?

“Right... Well, listen, there’s actually something else that’s bothering me. It’s been bothering me for awhile now, and I think Jason dumping me just kind of made me have to face it.” This time she played the role of the nervous one.

“Ally says I can trust you, and I believe her,” she trailed off, stepping around to sit on the bottom of the stairs where Kelly and I had just been sitting earlier.

“So, okay, here goes. I need to talk to someone and just get this out of my system before tonight. You don’t have to say anything about it specifically. I just need you to listen, and tell me if you think I should tell Ally, okay?” she rambled. Whatever it was, it had to be bothering her pretty badly.

I moved around beside her, placing my hand on her shoulder as I sat facing her. “Whatever it is, you can trust me, Nikki. Besides, Ally has enough dirt on me just in the few days I’ve been here that she could ruin me if she wanted.” I tried to offer a reassuring smile, but it probably came across more awkward than anything.

Nicole turned her full attention to me. “You really like her don’t you?” She asked.

“Not ‘like her’ like her, but I like her. She’s the first person who’s tried to get to know the real me in, like, ever.”

“See, that’s why I’m afraid of losing her!” Nicole blurted. I swear I thought she might be blushing, but she turned away before I could be sure.

“What do you mean?”

“Robin, I … I think I’m a lesbian.” Her voice cracked, and her hands had begun to shake. “I never wanted to sleep over because I was scared how I’d react if I like, saw her undressing or something.”

“But you had a boyfriend?” I asked, confused. I wasn’t trying to be rude. I was genuinely curious. She laughed dryly.

“Yeah, operative word being ‘had’. It felt forced though. More and more I’ve been wrestling with these weird feelings toward girls. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’m a sex fiend or anything.” She added with a nervous laugh. “S’just, I dunno. I don’t want things to change, y’know?”

“Nikki, why are you telling me all this?” I asked in as gentle a tone as I could manage. I wanted to help her, but this all seemed like a lot to just blurt out to someone she’d only just met, even if Ally had vouched for me.

Then again, that’s all I’d been doing lately. Maybe it was normal for girls? She tilted her head and smiled at me.

“Like I said, I didn’t mean to overhear anything, but… I did hear you talking to Kelly about your mom accepting you, and Ally said you used to be a total tomboy. You said that nobody accepted you before too, so I put two and two together, and guessed you were going through the same thing I am. You’re into girls too, aren’t you?”

I blushed brightly, which elicited a relieved chuckle from her. “Does Ally know? How did you break it to her?”

“Um, I don’t know how to tell you this, but you’re only half right. I didn’t tell Ally at first, and the guilt that resulted from that gnawed at me all day, and probably could’ve gotten me killed if the search and rescue people hadn’t found me, so,” I paused, taking a breath, “I’m just going to go ahead and tell you everything.

“If, after I’ve finished, you don’t want to sleep over tonight, or if you just want to sleep over at Ally’s without me there, believe me, I’ll understand.”

She gave me a puzzled look, but nodded. “Okay; it’d be a kind of arrogant of me to want something like that, but now you’ve got my undivided attention.”

I spent the next several minutes explaining everything that had happened over the past few days. When I finished, she shook her head slowly.

“I’m sorry Robin, but I just don’t see it. The voice, maybe, MAYBE could be a guy’s, but the WAY you talk, move, and even act, you’re a hundred percent girl.”

“What makes you say that?” I asked.

That turned out to be a loaded question because she immediately leaned over, pressing her lips softly against mine, and rested her head on my shoulder afterwards, “Because I’ve wanted to do that from the moment I saw you.”

I blinked, several times. As quickly as it began, it had ended, but I could still feel the tingle of her kiss afterwards. Andrea never let me kiss her, except on her cheek once, and no girl had actively wanted to kiss me.

As the euphoric shock slowly waned, I glanced down to see she was actually smiling. I put an arm around her in a comforting, friendly hug. “Better?”

“Much, thanks. Don’t get me wrong. I liked Jason a lot, and I wasn’t lying when I said that being dumped like that cut deep, but I think what hurt worse was not having that psychological shield there of being able to say ‘At least I’m dating a guy so I can’t be a total freak’.” I nuzzled the top of her head with my cheek lightly as I contemplated what she just said.

“Let me ask you something. Would you call me a freak?”

She stared at me with confusion. “No way! I mean, I refuse to believe you’re not a girl, but you’re easy to talk to, and not afraid to look past my biting sarcasm.” She smiled.

“Well, there you go. Just because you’re attracted to girls, doesn’t make you any different otherwise. You wouldn’t feel uncomfortable undressing around me, would you?”

She pondered that one for a moment, then shook her head, “Not really. I mean, you’re really cute, and I’m extremely glad I kissed you,” she giggled as she admitted that, “But it’s not like I’m a nympho or anything.” She paused.

“So what you’re saying is, just because I like girls, doesn’t mean I have to feel like my best friend’s going to be worried about me leering at her?”

“To quote your best friend when I made a similar breakthrough, ‘finally, she’s listening!’” I grinned. Nicole just stuck her tongue out at me, laughing.

After a few moments of decidedly peaceful and for once NOT awkward silence, she put her arms around me in a friendly hug then stood.

“Speaking of, she sent me over here like fifteen minutes ago. She’s probably wondering what we’re doing over here.”

“We could tell her we were kissing, but that would just mess with her head.”

“Yeah, it would.” She grinned impishly. “I like the way your mind works.”

I paused, wondering if she was serious, then chuckled to myself. I decided it best not to ask at this point, and just see where things went. As girls go, I really liked Nicole, and though her kiss had caught me by surprise, I can’t say I’d have been opposed to more of them.

If nothing else she had helped me to answer an earlier question I had wrestled with, as to whether what I felt for Allison is what it means to have a real girl friend to turn to and share a special friendship with. I was definitely infatuated with Nicole, but I also wanted to get to know her better first.

I was shaken from my thoughts by Nicole’s hand suddenly grasping mine. I found myself being dragged along outside, where Allison had just crossed our yards to come look for the two of us.

“There you are! Is everything alright?” She asked with concern, looking between us.

Nicole had by now released my hand at least. She nodded with a bit of a goofy grin on her face, as though a great weight had been lifted off her shoulders. I could definitely empathize.

“Yeah, great. Better than great, actually. It turns out Robin’s really insightful when it comes to solving a personal crisis.” She began.

Allison looked at me with surprise. Not two days ago I was still a bundle of nerves about being read as a boy in a dress, yet now I was giving her friends advice. Allison just smiled, waiting for Nicole to finish her thought.

“So, anyway, Ally, there’s something I need to tell you. Robin?” She glanced back at me, “You coming?”

“Right behind you.”

Carol made tacos for us, and as we sat around the table with Kelly, discussing what we’d need for the slumber party, Nicole abruptly changed the subject.

“Well, now that I actually have some food in my stomach, Ally there’s something I need to tell you. It’s, well,” she trailed off, glancing at me nervously.

“Should I leave?” Kelly offered in a serious tone.

Nicole shook her head, giving Kelly an uncharacteristic-for-her response, “No way. I want you to hear this because you’re partly to blame.” She grinned.

Allison was starting to get concerned, but I shot her a reassuring smile as Nicole continued.

“We’ve known each other for like, the last three years or so. I was a seriously messed up kid back then. Hell, I still am,” she paused to chuckle.

“I sort of overheard Robin and Kelly talking earlier, about Robin’s mom accepting her, and I sort of jumped to the wrong conclusion about her.”

Kelly frowned, but held her comment, apparently giving Nicole the benefit of the doubt for now.

“See, I thought… I thought Robin was coming out to Kelly. I thought she was just into girls, with that whole ‘tomboy’ crack you made earlier, Ally. So I decided to ask her how she told you, and how you reacted.” She lowered her gaze nervously, so I decided to pick up where she left off.

“That’s why we were gone so long. I told her everything, including how unbelievably guilty I felt about not telling you the truth from the start.”

“Nikki? What are you saying?” Allison finally asked. Her tone was equal parts concern and curiosity.

“That the reason I never said ‘yes’ to a slumber party before was because I didn’t know how I’d react if I like, saw you changing or something.” She sighed.

“Robin made me realize though, that just because I have these weird feelings toward girls that I shouldn’t be worried about you being afraid I’d try something.”

Allison immediately stood and walked over to put her arms around Nicole. They were both crying at this point. “Jeeze, Nikki … I thought you of all people would know by now that I don’t care about that stuff.

“I mean, if you wanted to date me, yeah, that would be a little weird, but we could talk it out at least. But I’d never hate you or not want to be friends with you either!”

Kelly and I started to excuse ourselves, but Nicole and Allison each managed to grab one of us by the hand before we got away, pulling us both in for a group hug.

“You know, you and Robin ARE kind of going through the same thing though; different situation, but the same feelings of uncertainty and fear.”

Nicole chuckled a little, “Yeah. There’s just one problem with that though.”

“What’s that?” Allison raised her eyebrows curiously.

“Because Robin IS a girl; I mean, she walks, talks, and acts like a girl, and,” she giggled, “She definitely kisses like one.”

I blushed brightly as Kelly and Allison turned their gazes on me in unison and started giggling.

“I’m only half-joking,” Nicole added. “Technically I kissed her, but what a kiss! Anyhow, now that the mushy stuff’s over, did anybody remember to call Jennifer?” She abruptly changed the subject, granting me momentary relief to compose myself.

Allison nodded, “Unfortunately she had to leave for camp a day early. Apparently she’s like, the only CIT this year. Kind of wonder if it’s because of the incident last year,” she trailed off, biting her lip. “Anyway,” she promptly changed the subject, “Kelly? Can Nikki and Robin borrow your and mom’s sleeping bags?”

‘CIT?’ I thought for a moment, ‘Oh right! Counselor in Training. What incident, though?’

“Of course! Mine’s in my closet, and I think Mom put hers with the old cabin tent if you want to go get them,” she answered, as she stepped away from us to pick up her purse.

Nicole watched her, musing playfully, “And where are you running off to now?”

She laughed, holding up a shopping list, “I wanted it to be a surprise, but since you’re actually being nice today I’ll go ahead and tell you that Margie and I talked it over, and we decided to split the difference and pay for everything you said you needed for your slumber party. I mean, it’s just the three of you anyway, so it’s not that much.”

The three of us ganged up on her with another group hug. Even Nicole seemed so much more at ease than when we first met.

“Thanks Kelly!” Allison squealed, kissing her cheek.

We kicked off our sleepover later that evening with a scary movie marathon, during which Allison brought her overstuffed box of nail polish down to the den. The two of them ganged up on me, stripping off the old polish and repainting my finger and toenails in a pale pink.

I would have my revenge though, as while Allison gave us both facials, I was in charge of Nicole’s nails. Barbie hot pink for the former Gothic beauty!

We were all in our pajamas by seven, I in my new pale blue camisole with matching cotton bottoms and Allison in a knee-length pink nightgown with matched robe.

Nicole surprised the both of us when her mother dropped off a duffle bag containing a fresh change of clothes for the next morning, and more importantly, an adorable lavender silk pajama set; apparently ‘going goth’ only ever stretched as far as her day-to-day wardrobe.

Around nine o’clock we sat on the sofa with a zombie apocalypse movie playing. Allison and Kelly both had a thing for horror movies, not that Nicole or I minded.

I sat in the middle of the sofa with our massive bowl of popcorn in my lap. Nicole sat to my right, curled up with her head on my shoulder, and Allison on my left. Kelly, true to her word, had joined us for an earlier movie then headed back upstairs.

Nicole squeezed my hand briefly and closed her eyes. Allison peeked around me, giggling to herself. She apparently thought Nicole was already asleep.

“So I guess I’m the only one here who likes boys, huh?” She mused, giving me a playful smile as I glanced over.

“Yeah, you’re the only normal one among us,” I offered with a quiet chuckle. She lightly swatted my shoulder.

“I know you don’t mean that, but that’s still not funny. Still, now that I know the whole story, a lot of things make sense. She’s had a hard life on top of it, too. God that must have been so hard on her.”

“I can imagine. I only had to endure that kind of guilt for a day before I broke down and told you. It sounds like she’s been dealing with this for a long time,” I offered.

“Yeah, but you also had a tree to knock some sense into you.” She giggled, then added, “Thank you for inviting her, and for listening. You’re such a wonderful friend. Even if nothing develops between you guys, I’m still just so happy you trust each other as much as I trust you both.”

“You’ve been nothing but kind to me. I guess that’s why I just wanted to pay it forward. I’m not usually very good at being social, but when I saw how she was hurting, something just sort of snapped and…”

About this time, Nicole cleared her throat, “You do realize I’ve heard every word you said, right?” She smiled, wrapping her arms around mine and nestling closer.

“Sorry, Nikki,” Allison replied. “I thought you were asleep. I didn’t mean to talk about you behind your back or anything.”

She laughed, giving a light shrug. “It’s fine. It’s kind of sweet, actually.”

Just as the heroine on the TV screen decapitated a zombie, burying a curved dagger between the eyes of another, I glanced over at Nicole, “So, since you’re awake, can I ask what kind of camp you’re going to? No offense, but you don’t strike me as the Girl Scout type.”

Both girls started laughing.

“I’m going to ignore that crack ‘coz I’m guessing Ally told you she’s a girl scout, and that’s where Jennifer went this year. But no, I’m no girl scout. It’s a rock music camp. I love playing electric bass.

“Me and Ally get together sometimes to jam, but I’d love to take it up a notch, maybe join a band someday.”

Allison nodded, “I enjoy playing the guitar, but my heart’s just not in it the way Nikki’s is.”

“You should go for it, Nikki. If it’s what you enjoy, you shouldn’t let one jerk ruin your whole summer.”

She smiled, looking up at me. “If you’d said that this morning, I’d probably have slapped you; as it is though, I think I agree.

“Thanks for tonight, by the way. Between the sugar-loaded ice cream, Ally’s mom’s kick-butt tacos, and the best bad horror movie marathon ever, I feel a lot better about myself.”

“Me too,” I added, hugging my two friends close to me. For the first time in my life, I had begun to feel I actually belonged, and wanted. I still had a long road ahead, but I at least didn’t have to face it alone. That, in and of itself, was a great victory.

The morning after our impromptu slumber party had come far too soon. We laid awake until well past midnight talking, and just bonding. All good things must come to an end though, they say, and after a hearty breakfast thanks to Allison’s mother and sister, Nicole and I hugged and said our goodbyes.

Nicole made me promise to take care of Allison while she was away, and I thought I heard her make Allison take the same vow as I left to head back over to Margie’s.

The next few days, I began to settle into a routine. Things were finally starting to seem normal, and I had already begun to forget Robert even existed: something I mentioned in my first real therapy session with Doctor Ketz that Tuesday.

She asked me a bunch of questions about how I felt now compared to a month ago today, when school was still in session. With each successive answer, I became more self-aware of one thing.

I was happier than I had ever been, and the thought of forcing myself to “become” Robert again was more and more a distasteful cringe-inducing thought.

We touched briefly on my mother’s condition, but since Kelly hadn’t called with any news, I didn’t find much I wanted to discuss since our last session. I still held to my faith that she’d be okay.

I had also started working out with Allison. It’s not that either of us were overweight (quite the opposite in Allison’s case), but I was horribly out of shape, so starting Monday we went jogging for as long as I could last, which wasn’t long.

I only reached the end of the cul-de-sac before I had to stop and catch my breath the first day, though we did walk quite a bit longer. Luckily for me, I picked up a cute pair of white athletic sneakers with pink trim at the mall that past Saturday!

By this point, I had begun to personalize my room a little. Before there was just a Spartan twin sized bed and white composite nightstand, but I’d dragged the matching dresser and a small table out of Margie’s storage room, using the latter as a makeshift makeup table.

I awoke early Thursday morning, and found I just couldn’t go back to sleep. Nicole would be back from her music camp today, and I couldn’t help wanting very much to see her again.

I slid out of bed and threw on a peach-colored silk robe that totally clashed with my pale blue pajama set, and the matching house slippers, making my way down the stairs.

“Yes, I understand. Thank you for calling.” Margie spoke from the kitchen. Even half asleep, I could tell she sounded upset, so I plodded into the kitchen, leaning in the doorway.

She sat at the kitchen table in her heavy, blue flannel robe with her face in her hands; the cordless phone rested on its side within arm’s reach. The words ‘Dear God’ escaped her lips, more in the beginnings of a prayer than in a curse of exasperation.

I moved closer, trying to be quiet, but she looked up as I approached anyway, forcing a smile. I knew this would be bad news.

“That was Kelly,” she began, and stood to wrap her arms around me.

“What’s wrong?” I asked her. I really did not want to know the answer to this question.

“Linda, your mom … the doctors have been monitoring her condition, and they’re worried that she’s getting worse.” She choked up as she squeezed me closer. “They wanted to know if she has a living will, in case the worst should happen.”

To my credit, I had actually managed to make it most of the week without thinking about anything, giving myself false hope that mom would be okay, and that I should just focus on what I can change, but this was just too much. I broke down, burying myself deeper in my sister’s loving embrace.

“She did,” I sobbed bitterly. “It was the first argument we had in years. She kept insisting that if anything should happen to her that it was important I knew what to do.”

“There is some good news, sweetheart. Linda’s still able to breathe on her own. Kelly says that finding out if she had a living will doesn’t mean they’re going to do anything immediate, but that because of her condition, they want to be prepared.”

“This is just too much!” I cried out. “While she’s stuck in a bed back home I’ve been running around here selfishly pretending I’m someone I’m not. It’s not fair! It’s not fair to her!” I wept.

I felt such an overwhelming guilt. How could I have been so selfish? I hadn’t thought about her much all week other than at bedtime, when I found I missed her most.

Margie didn’t say anything in response at first. For what seemed like an eternity, she just held me so close to her that I thought she might break me, but I held her just as close. Finally she interrupted my quiet sobbing with a gentle suggestion.

“Call Doctor Ketz, sweetheart.” I looked up at her, confused, so she continued, “She gave you her private contact information for emergencies. I’d say this qualifies as an emergency.” She smiled, running one hand over my hair and down my back. I slowly nodded.

She skillfully retrieved the phone without breaking our embrace. “Where did you put the piece of paper she gave you?” She asked in a soft, attempted-motherly tone.

“It’s upstairs in my purse,” I responded. She smiled a little bit at that.

“Good girl. You never know when you’ll need to contact her, and you might not always be here when that happens,” Margie advised as she led me upstairs. It seemed since she couldn’t do anything about the situation with my mother, she was determined to help where she could, with me.

I lifted my purse from the top of my dresser, rooting around for the neatly folded piece of paper Doctor Ketz gave me. After carefully unfolding it I took up the phone, and slowly dialed, sitting on the edge of my bed. Margie sat next to me and put an arm around my waist for moral support.

A sleepy, older male voice answered on the fourth ring, and at first I thought it was Doctor Rosen. “Mm, yes? What is it?” I flinched.

“D-Doctor Ketz please. It’s an emergency.” I tried to sound like I hadn’t been crying, but apparently failed miserably.

The conversation was quick, and muted, but I could still barely make out what he was saying.

“Barbara, emergency for you … Been crying … Sounds important.” He was quick and professional, which would’ve impressed me even more if I’d realized it was four in the morning sooner.

“This is Barbara Ketzowski. Who’s calling please?” she answered gently.

“Doctor Ketz, it’s Robin. Sorry to call you so early like this, b-but Margie says this qualifies as an emergency.” I started to sob again.

“Robin? Can you do me a favor and put your sister on a moment?” I handed the phone to Margie without another word. I was in no shape emotionally to explain everything, so Margie broke the news about my mother, and the reason for the call. When she finished, there was a pause, then she smiled down at me, adding a soft “Yes, of course. Here you are.” She handed the phone back to me.

“H-hello?” I said softly, having by now been able to get myself under some semblance of control again.

“Robin, I want you to do something for me, alright? I want you to take a deep breath, and hold it until I tell you to let it out.”

I inhaled deeply and held it. I waited for her to tell me to breathe out, but silence came from the receiver. I started mumbling incoherently as my lungs began to ache. Finally I could hold it no longer, and I exhaled.

“Why didn’t you tell me I could exhale?” I whined.

“Because breathing is a natural part of living: you can’t tell someone to breathe and expect them to listen, nor can you tell them not to breathe. It’s part of who you are, Robin.” I sat there, stunned absolutely silent.

“Robin,” she continued, “If being Robin is who you feel you need to be, either just for the moment, or for the rest of your life, then you shouldn’t feel guilty about that. You are who you are, and displacing guilt for your mother’s situation will only hurt you. Remember what we talked about Tuesday?”

I nodded, even though I knew she couldn’t see it. It was more a reaffirmation to myself than anything. “About Nikki accepting me as a girl?”

“Yes. She likes you, otherwise she wouldn’t have kissed you. And your friend Allison likes you, else she wouldn’t have been spending so much time with you. You have friends and family who love you for who you are. They’d love you as much if you were Robert, Robin, or an alien from another planet.”

I rather doubted that last one, managing a weak chuckle. I somehow thought that was her intention though, to make me stop and think about the rest of it for a moment.

“But … I’ve never had friends like this before though,” I added softly. It was something I wanted to refresh in both our minds that it was only after ‘becoming’ Robin that things started to change.

“People can sense when you’re not happy with yourself, Robin. We’ll expand on this more this Saturday, but you need to understand that the only thing that’s changed is that you’ve begun to feel better about yourself.

“If last Tuesday was our first meeting, I would have assumed you were a happy, normal fifteen year old girl who was simply developing at a slower rate than her peers and going through a rough time with her mother.

“Between now and Saturday, I want you to think about why you’re happier as Robin. If you start to feel guilty, hold your breath. Understand?”

I chuckled a little. “Yes ma’am. And thank you.”

“You’re very welcome, Robin. It’s why I gave you this number.” She added a moment later, “Is there anything else you want to talk with me about?” She was such a wonderfully caring woman, not unlike how I’d imagine my grandparents might be if they were still alive.

“No ma’am. I’m still upset about Mom, but…”

She interrupted me for the first time since I’ve known her.

“Well, let’s talk about that then. Robin, I’m not just here to help you cope with your feelings about wanting to be a girl. In taking you as a patient, I’m responsible for your overall mental well-being.

“It’s important that you understand that. I’m here for you, not the other way around.” Her tone was reassuring, and not at all authoritative, but at the same time I couldn’t help feeling a little scolded. I think I needed that.

“It’s just … I feel so helpless. Just like a week ago. I couldn’t do anything for her. Nobody can, and now they want to know if she had a living will, and … it’s just all too much,”I sobbed.

“Robin? Sweetheart, take a deep breath. And no, you don’t have to hold it this time. I just want you to take a slow, deep breath, and let it out.” I complied, inhaling and exhaling slowly.

“Now, sometime today when you have a chance, I want you to sit down and I want you to write a letter to your mother. In that letter I want you to tell her exactly how you feel.

“Explain what it is that you want to say to her about who you are, how you feel about her, how much you love her, and anything else you feel needs to be said, then seal it in an envelope. You don’t need to mail it. Just keep it somewhere safe for now.

“You’re feeling helpless right now, and that’s entirely understandable. This way you can at least take some control of the situation. This letter will act as a symbol for you to look at and remind yourself that you love your mother, and that she loves you.”

I nodded, again more as a gesture for myself than anything, “Okay. I’ll do it when I get back from jogging with Allison. Thank you again, Doctor Ketz. I really, really appreciate everything you’ve done for me.”

“You’re very welcome, Robin. Remember, if you need to talk again before Saturday, just call me. This is a difficult time for any teenager, and you have to face it under even worse circumstances. Just remember that you’re never alone. We’re all pulling for you.”

As she hung up the phone, I heard a faint ‘That was…’ from the other end. Her tone was as gentle as when she spoke to me, so I thought no more about it, setting the phone aside.

I hadn’t even realized Margie had left the room. I stood up and stepped into the hall, to the sound of something frying in the kitchen downstairs.

When I reached the bottom step, my nostrils were assaulted by the sweet scent of maple-infused sausage. I followed the heavenly aroma into the kitchen where Margie stood by the electric range. A carton of eggs rested on the nearby countertop. She smiled at me as she realized I had entered.

“Better?” She asked. I nodded.

“Yeah. Doctor Ketz really got my attention with that breathing exercise.” I quietly admitted, as I walked over to her side and pulled a small glass bowl down from the cupboard. Margie offered a wry smile as I cracked two eggs into the bowl, grabbing a fork and scrambling them briskly.

“I’ll bet. I was a little reluctant to let her put you through that, but when she explained what it represented, I decided I’d trust her judgment. She’s right though. If this is genuinely who you want to be, then you shouldn’t fight it.”

“All I know is I feel ‘right’. It’s not like some huge, over-arching ‘Ah hah!’ thing, so much as this subtle… absence of doubt. I feel normal for the first time in years,” I offered meekly as I handed her the bowl of thoroughly mixed eggs.

“What does that say about me?”

“That’s something for you and Doctor Ketz to discuss Saturday, sweetheart.” She offered in as reassuring a tone as she could. I nodded, and left it at that.

There was no question that I was scared, but somehow seeing how happy Kelly was made things slightly less scary, and it’s not as though I had to choose right away either.

I still had a couple of months before school started. Somehow though, I think I had already made my decision. I just had to play by the adults’ rules of engagement in how to proceed.

After a quiet breakfast of sausage, eggs, whole wheat toast, and a tall glass of milk, I went into the living room to watch television while the heavy meal settled in my stomach. Since I was building up endurance to keep pace with Allison in our morning jogs, I needed all the extra energy I could muster.

“Have you thought about taking a summer job?” Margie interrupted my thoughts some time later. There was nothing I particularly felt like watching so I had just turned on one of the always-on news networks.

“Huh?” I responded, looking up at her.

“Well, you know that shopping trip last Saturday was a onetime deal, and I can’t let you dip into your savings every time you want a cute pair of shoes.” She winked at me. “Plus you already have the checking/savings set up. You could have a weekly check deposited straight into that.”

“But where would I find a job? Alpine Springs isn’t exactly huge, and I can’t make you drive me to New Haven every day and keep up with your clothing store too.”

I muted the television. Another young girl had been kidnapped from her home, this time in Georgia. These sorts of news stories always served to turn my stomach. How any human being could be so monstrous was beyond my comprehension.

“Well, they just opened a new mini-mall last month. You’d make a cute sales girl,” she teased.

I blushed intensely. “I’ll think about it.” I finally offered as I glanced back at the TV. “Holy crap, it’s six already? Allison’s got to be waiting for me!”

I practically jumped off the sofa, pausing at the doorway to look back at Margie, who just shook her head and smiled. “Are you sure you don’t want to go with us?”

“I’m sure. I get enough of a workout wrangling employees and mannequins. Sometimes I wish I could replace the former with the latter. At least they’re quiet.” I laughed, and she continued, “You have your cell charged right? And your pepper spray?”

“Yes and yes.” As a boy I never felt the need to carry pepper spray, but that’s in large part to never really going anywhere by myself. Still it was nice to have, plus Allison was with me.

She wasn’t a strong girl by any means, but she’d taken a self-defense class on dealing with bad people last year, though she’d never told me why She did, however, try to get me to at least consider it.

A few minutes later I was back downstairs, dressed in a loose white t-shirt, pink shorts-and-socks, and my running shoes, with the black strap of a sports bra barely visible beyond the collar of my shirt. I didn’t need a sports bra, but it helped with the illusion if anyone saw us.

I also had my hair pulled back in a pink-and-red tie-dyed scrunchie. I bought several in different colors from a lady with a tie-dye stall set up at the mall. I just couldn’t resist.

The last time we were in New Haven I also convinced Margie to take me back to the mall. There were some cute weighted wristbands I’d seen on display in the athletic section of the shoe store, and now that I was jogging with Allison, I figured I could use the extra help.

“Don’t forget this too.” Margie appeared in the hallway, handing me my neon blue sport bottle with the black cap and straw.

“Is there any substance that tastes more rancid than Gatorade?” I joked, as I accepted it.

Margie answered seriously, “Yes, but you’re not allowed near those until you’re 21.” She cracked a smile, and we both laughed, before I turned and stepped out. I had my phone in my fanny pack, drink in one hand and spray in the other.

Allison was already waiting for me, doing some warm-up stretches in our driveway. As I walked over to her, she paused and looked up at me with a smile. I got right into my stretches.

“Morning sunshine,” she offered cheerily.

“Hey,” I said softly. I thought I sounded cheerful enough, but Allison seemed to see right through me.

“Robin? What’s wrong?” I guessed Kelly hadn’t called her, though I’d forgotten about the massive time zone difference as well.

“Kelly called this morning,” I began as I stood up again. “About momma.”

“Oh no.” Allison whispered, instinctively moving to hug me. I hugged her back, speaking softly.

“They wanted to know if she has a living will, as a precaution, in case worse comes to worse.”

“Robin I am so sorry.” She offered, hugging me again. I smiled a little.

“I called Doctor Ketz this morning. I felt like while Mom lay dying on the other side of the country, I was over here being selfish.” Allison frowned, but didn’t interrupt. She seemed to be giving me the benefit of the doubt, so I continued.

“She made me hold my breath.” I said, as I began a series of squats to limber up my knees.

“She what? For how long?” Allison asked.

“She said she’d tell me when to release it, but she never did. I finally exhaled when my lungs started to ache.”

Recognition crossed her features, then a slight smile. “I get it. You can’t feel guilty about doing what comes naturally to you, right?”

I nodded. “It helped a lot. I still don’t know who or even what I am… But I think I know who I want to be. I’m still worried sick about Mom, but not as guilty now.

“Doctor Ketz made me promise to sit down and write a letter to her talking about everything I’m feeling, to give myself at least some control over the situation. I’m going to give it to her when she wakes up, I think.”

Allison nodded. I think she wanted to say something. I’ll never know what it was though because she instead turned and started jogging down the driveway. I stood and moved to catch up with her, changing the subject.

“So, Nikki’s coming back today. Have you heard anything from her?” I asked, trying not to sound like I’d been thinking about her all week.

Allison giggled, “Not yet. I called her house to ask if everything was okay, and apparently the goose forgot her cell phone, and attendees are only allowed one phone call a day which she had to use to phone home and let her parents know how things were going.”

“And she couldn’t borrow someone else’s?” I offered in a teasingly sarcastic tone, still trying to shrug off my emotions. The persistant beasts held on tight.

“Now why didn’t I think of that?” She mused, shaking her head. “Ah well, anyway yeah, she’ll be home today. Just before she left, she made me promise to put you on three-way calling when she called. You made quite an impression on her y’know.”

I blushed. She made quite an impression on me too. By now I was beginning to get winded, so I stopped to catch my breath, squirting some sports drink into the back of my throat. Allison immediately stopped and jogged back to my side.

“Doctor Ketz says Nikki wouldn’t have kissed me if she didn’t like me, and that you wouldn’t be spending so much time with me if you didn’t care.” I finally broke the silence, as we started walking at a brisk pace. It wasn’t jogging, but this way I could at least keep pace.

“She’s right. I mean since you’ve been here, you’ve literally become one of my closest girl friends, and not just because the others aren’t around either. I mean, I’ve never seen Nikki warm up to someone this fast.”

I smiled as we rounded the next block. I thought about mentioning Margie’s suggestion that I get a summer job, but I figured I’d burn that bridge when I came to it. For now I wanted to focus on walking off this latest stress.

“I eventually want to take you and Nikki hiking. It’s not jogging, but the terrain’s more unstable so you still get a good workout. I want to show you some of the forest trails so you don’t get lost again.”

“Thank you, Ally. I felt sooo bad that night, scaring everyone. I should’ve been more aware of my surroundings.”

“Yes, you should have,” she admonished, but smiled, “But I can teach you if you want. Those sleeping bags you and Nikki used are from when we used to go camping as a family, before daddy got promoted and suddenly became so busy,” She trailed off with less drama than the last time she spoke of her father. I could empathize. Mom seemed to be more and more busy this past year.

“Anyway, we should totally go hiking this weekend. We can sing campfire songs and drive Nikki up the wall.” I laughed.

“You two are always finding ways to get each other aren’t you?”

She gave an innocent grin. “Whatever would make you say that?”

“Oh, just a hunch.” I smiled. That ‘I like the way your mind works’ crack the week before certainly had something to do with it. It was cute, though.

When Nikki wasn’t worrying about what Allison might think of her liking girls, she was actually very laid-back. She cared a lot for Allison. and they were as lucky to have each other as friends as I was to have the both of them.

For all the ups and downs that week, I had at least bonded with two wonderful friends, and who knew what the future held?

Becoming Robin By Zoe Taylor Nikki & Robin... -/- Date Night   “So, Robin, Nikki told me she wanted to ask you something.” I tilted my hand mirror back just in time to catch the rather calculating grin on Allison’s face. “Ally!” Nicole practically yelped, laughing nervously. “Not now! She’s been traumatized enough this morning, jeeze!” “What are you two plotting?” I angled my mirror to try and read Nicole’s face from where I sat. It was hard to tell, but I thought she might be blushing. She sighed, turning her gaze toward the floor.

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I again found myself standing in the shower for longer than I’d intended. It was just so easy to get lost in the billowing steam and cascades of hot water washing away not just my sweat from jogging, but my emotional stress. I had time to relax and think there.

My mind’s eye continued to return to my poor mother. The last time I saw her she was hooked up to all sorts of tubes and monitors. Part of me wondered if she was slipping away because I wasn’t there.

I shook those thoughts from my mind, speaking aloud to myself, “No. You can’t think like that Robin. It’s going to be okay.” It was only after I’d begun to work a good lather of shampoo into my hair that I realized I’d just called myself Robin for the first time aloud, with no one else around to hear it. A chill ran down my spine as I smiled, and said it again. “Robin.” I giggled a little.

I stepped out of the shower and began toweling myself off. I knew Margie would have left by now, so I didn’t bother laying anything out beforehand other than my underwear. I was getting quite adept at hiding my increasingly undesired extra appendage, and as I looked at myself in the mirror, I began to wonder…

Reality came flooding back with the ringing of the cordless phone. ‘Margie must have set it inside before she left,’ I thought to myself, picking it up.

“Evans residence,” I answered as politely as I could.

“Hey you,” Nicole answered.

“Hey!” Allison echoed a moment later.

“Oh, hey Nikki,” I responded a little more brightly than I had intended as I stepped out of the bathroom and quickly moved to my bedroom, making a bee-line for the closet. “How was camp?”

“Ohmygosh it was so awesome!” As she gushed on and on about getting to work with real musicians, I began searching through my closet, trying to coordinate outfits. Allison would occasionally ask her something, to which she’d excitedly respond, while I just stayed quiet, listening to the back and forth.

“Robin? He-llooo!” They finally caught on to my silence. Allison knew what was bothering me, but Nicole had been away all week.

“Sorry Nikki. I’m just having a bad day, and I can’t find a thing to wear,” I whined, adding a moment later, “Sorry, I’m listening,” I offered. I was listening, I thought.

“Did you hear what I said? I said I met someone.” Her tone sounded serious, but cheerful, and seemed to imply that she could only mean one thing.

I frowned a little. I had secretly hoped that maybe something would develop between us, but I was still happy for her. “That’s great, Nikki,” I said half-heartedly.

She sighed dramatically, “Ro-bin! You’re no fun to tease when you’re like this! I was actually talking about me. I feel like I really found myself this week, just being able to get away and have fun, and… not think about things, even though thinking is pretty much all I did in my free time.” She added a moment later, in a much softer tone, “And I owe it all to you.”

I had been holding up a black-with-white-polka-dots peasant top with a sleeve that puffed out from the shoulder to three-quarters of the way down, tapering sharply to a cute little black ribbon before expanding out again. I nearly dropped it when she said that.

“How do you figure that?” I asked as I hung the top on the inside doorknob. She had managed to garner my undivided attention.

“Well, it’s a combination of things, but mostly the sleepover. I had so much fun that night that I actually forgot about Jason, and my week just continued to get better from there! One of the instructors I met actually got to work with … Hey, Robin, what’s wrong?”

“I don’t really want to talk about it over the phone, if that’s alright,” I offered quietly, trying not to sound rude. I just didn’t want to break down while standing in my closet, barely dressed. When I parted with Allison, I felt ‘okay’, but my shower meditation time had been pervaded with such dark thoughts that I started feeling down again.

Nicole chuckled knowingly. “You’re home aren’t you? Stay there. I’ll be right over. You too, Ally!”

“Sure thing. I just got out of the shower so my hair’s still wet, but I can be over in ten.” Allison replied. I had to wonder if she was trying to decide what to wear as well. Still, with Nicole and Allison’s promise to come over shortly, I had to pick up the pace.

“Alright. I’ll explain everything when you get here. Ally already knows, but that’s just because we went jogging this morning. I’ve gotta go right now though. I just got out of the shower too, and I’m not even dressed yet.”

“Ohmygawd!” Nicole whispered under her breath. She started giggling. “See you soon!” I turned off the phone, tossing it lazily around the corner of my closet in the general vicinity of my bed, and began my clothing search anew. I ultimately settled on the peasant top with pair of dark jeans.

I didn’t have the hips for designer jeans, so I had just picked up a few pair of tight-fitting jeans in various colors from the girls’ section during the big shopping spree.

I paired it with a jeweled white belt from Claire’s, and after slipping on a pair of short socks I decided to err on the side of comfort and slipped into the casual Mary Jane flats I’d worn out of the hospital last week.

I was so engrossed in drying my hair that I didn’t even hear the knock at the door downstairs. It wasn’t until my hair dryer suddenly stopped working that I snapped back to reality. Nicole stood in the doorway of my bathroom, holding the plug with a smug look on her face.

She wasn’t wearing any eye makeup at all, and only a dash of peach-colored lip gloss that matched her ‘Rock On!’ camp T-shirt. At least her shorts were black, though it wasn’t enough not to be incredibly jarring seeing her like this. I couldn’t complain, though.

“Like I said, you’re way too much girl to have ever been anything but.”

I managed a laugh, Allison chuckling as she stepped around the corner into my field of view behind Nicole. I set the hair dryer aside and picked up my tourmaline brush. As I stepped closer, neither girl moved aside. Instead, Allison reached out to take my brush, while Nicole grabbed me by the hand, giving a reassuring smile.

“Ally told me what happened. I’m really sorry, Robin.” She offered, as we walked back to my room. Allison spoke in her own defense a moment later.

“I know it wasn’t my place to say anything, but I know how hard it was to talk about the first time, so I told her before we came over.” She seemed very apologetic, like she expected me to be upset.

“Allison,” I began as I put my arms around her, “You’re like my best friend already. Just the fact that you had my best interest in mind means a lot to me.” I turned to hug Nicole next, “You too, Nikki. I mean, you came all the way over here just for me.”

She smiled as Allison sat me down at my makeshift makeup table. I didn’t have a standing mirror, but I did have a small hand mirror lying amidst several bottles, vials, and makeup pads where I had been experimenting with my look from time to time.

“Hey, what are friends for? You were here for me so it’s only fair,” Nicole insisted. Allison had by now begun to brush my hair out. It was still a little damp, but dry enough to be manageable without breaking. She chimed in a moment later.

“Yeah, and I’m sure you’ll both be here when daddy finally accepts that I’m old enough to start dating.” Nicole and I both laughed. I had only briefly met Allison’s father Joe, which was an intimidating experience at first.

He was a neat, organized man who ran a tight household, but he respected his daughters as much as he loved them. Allison began working my hair into a braid as Nicole continued the conversation.

“So, Robin, do you think you’ll be here for Halloween?”

It seemed a fairly out of the blue thing to ask, I thought. I’d only been here a week, and hadn’t actually given a lot of thought to where I’d be when school started back. There was that brief conversation with Allison about it last week, but I’d not thought twice about that since.

“I thought I’d be back in Cali by then, but…” I trailed off. Nicole stood and moved to kneel beside me.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just, I was thinking maybe you could come back and visit. Ally tried to get me to go trick-or-treating with her last year, but my heart just wasn’t in it.”

I stared at her a moment. I think she read my mind, as she laughed dryly, “I know, I know. I should be the queen of Halloween, right? I didn’t always dress like a vampire. But I was thinking how cool it would be to do something as a group this year, maybe crash Ally’s parents’ annual snore-fest.”

“My parents have a big Halloween party every year, mostly for daddy’s coworkers and family friends. I talked to Mom about this year having a second party for us kids in the den. It’s still several months away,” she commented, as she began tugging and twisting my hair this way and that.

She paused, “Hey, that’s perfect! Nikki hand me that butterfly clip!” She practically squealed as she pointed to a half-inch wide brass butterfly hair clip I’d picked up the other weekend. Its wings were set on a spring hinge that caused them to flutter a little as Nicole picked it up, handing it to Allison.

“But yeah, like I was saying, it’s still months away, but if I’m going to host my first party I want a LOT of time to warn daddy in advance.”

“Yeah, her dad would have a bull elephant if she sprang this on him at the last minute.” Nicole laughed. She squeezed my hand as she stood, then moved back to sit on my bed again.

“A bull elephant?” I echoed. That was a new one.

“Yeah, it’s like having a cow only worse.” Nicole reasoned.

Allison laughed, “It takes awhile to learn Nikki-speak.” Allison retorted. I could hear Nicole giving her raspberries behind me.

While Allison played with my hair, I decided I couldn’t just sit idle anymore and started working on my makeup. I was far from adept, but at least had Margie, a few teen magazines, and of course Allison to lean on for advice.

“Anyway, if your dad says no we could always have it at my house.”

Allison stopped immediately and looked back at Nicole. “Seriously? You’d do that?”

“Sure. I never ask them for anything, so I doubt they’d say no, plus you know how much space there is,” she trailed off, and Allison abruptly changed the subject.

I felt there was some important detail I missed in the conversation, but had been too occupied with my makeup to really press the matter.

“So, Robin, Nikki told me she wanted to ask you something.” I tilted my hand mirror back just in time to catch the rather calculating grin on Allison’s face.

“Ally!” Nicole practically yelped, laughing nervously. “Not now! She’s been traumatized enough this morning, jeeze!”

“What are you two plotting?” I angled my mirror to try and read Nicole’s face from where I sat. It was hard to tell, but I thought she might be blushing. She sighed, turning her gaze toward the floor.

“I wanted to ask if you might want to go see a movie tonight, maybe grab a bite to eat,” she mumbled. Wait. Was she asking me out?

“You mean… like, a date?” I was dumbstruck. I guess I should have seen it coming. It’s not like I hadn’t been thinking about her all week or anything. Did this mean she really saw me as a girl, though?

“Well if you want to call it that,” she continued in that same nervous tone. I felt Allison nudge me for a response, but I wasn’t sure what to say. The last time I dated anyone, it ended with me on the receiving end of a dumpster dive.

“Wow… Nikki, I don’t know what to say,” I started giggling, “I’d love to!”

“Really!?” She exclaimed brightly then cleared her throat. “I mean, uh …”

Allison giggled, “God, you two! Just promise me you won’t hate each other if it doesn’t work out.”

Nicole laughed, “Relax, Ally. I’m not ready for a real relationship again yet. I just thought it would be fun to go out with someone whose idea of a good time isn’t trying to get me to take off my bra.”

I couldn’t help laughing, “Likewise, Nikki. My first, and last, girlfriend didn’t work out too well. She was just using me to make her old boyfriend jealous, so the only time we were even seen together was when it was convenient for her.”

“Ouch. I’m sorry Robin,” she offered. “For what it’s worth, it’s totally her loss. If she only knew what a great girl she had,” she commented without so much as a second thought. I gave a quiet chuckle.

“What?”

“She didn’t lose a great girl. She lost a social outcast who was still pretending to be a boy.”

“Oh, right.” She smiled sheepishly. “Sorry Robin. I sort of forgot you weren’t always ‘Robin’. But in my own defense this is how I met you, as this awesome, friendly,”

“Beautiful,” Allison chimed in as she finished tying off my freshly-braided hair.

Nicole giggled, “Very.”

I stood and hugged her, then pulled her over to sit with Nicole and me.

“It’s okay. I’ve stopped thinking of myself as a boy who wants to dress like a girl. I’m starting to think that maybe I really am a girl inside, or that I should’ve been.”

“Really?” Both girls chimed in unison. I nodded as I received supportive hugs from both.

“Really. I’m going to tell Doctor Ketz about my feelings at our next session this Saturday and see what she thinks.”

“That’s great, Robin! You know Kelly was our age when she transitioned, too. If you start taking hormones now you won’t have to worry about things like your voice dropping any lower.”

Hormones? Oh crap. I never gave that sort of thing a second thought! I’d have to bring it up with Doctor Ketz and hope for the best. Meantime though, I had a date to look forward to tonight!

“So if this is a date, like a ‘date’ date, I need to figure out what I’m going to wear!” Both girls giggled.

Nicole stroked my hand as she responded, “Oh, please. Don’t you start that, or you’ll have Allison making me model dresses all afternoon for something for ME to wear.”

Allison peered at Nicole with an impish grin. “Why, Nikki, that’s an excellent idea.”

“Now see what you started?” She was trying her best to sound irritated, but cracked a grin that suggested she was hoping Allison might say that.

I laughed. “So you’re okay with being seen in public, on a date with a girl then?” I asked, trying to feel out where she stood on the whole ‘possibly lesbian’ issue.

“Um, duh?” She rolled her eyes. “Actually it’s something I thought about all week. I made up my mind I was going to ask you out when I got back, but then when Ally told me what happened, I chickened out. I didn’t want to make things any harder on you than they already were.”

I smiled warmly and hugged her. “You guys are so great.”

“Aww…” Allison giggled, leaning over to hug us both.

“Anyway, I better get home. I have some uh... ‘laundry’ that needs to be taken care of.

"I’m going to break the news to Mom about Jason, then soften the blow about wanting to go out with you by promising I’ll go shopping with her for something that’s not black.” She grinned.

I had to laugh as Allison and I both stood. I wasn’t sure what I should do, so I just hugged her. She kissed my cheek as she hugged me back.

“I’ll come over this afternoon to be your fashion doll, Ally.” She added a moment later, as we stepped into the hallway.

“Finally! My devious plan to turn you both into girly-girls like me is one step closer to fruition!” She cackled like a mad scientist in a bad horror movie, causing both of us to lose it, cracking up.

“And Robin, I’ll come get you at say, five? Six?”

“Five’s fine. You can drive?”

She flinched, “I wish. I’m only fifteen. That’s not a problem is it?”

“Of course not, as long as whoever is driving doesn’t mind two giggly teenagers.”

“Nah; I mean, if I wasn’t just so absolutely sure that they’d say yes to this, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation. Trust me, they’ll be okay with it.”

What can I say? I hadn’t cried as much in my entire life as I had in the last couple of weeks, but I hadn’t laughed this much either, and now I had a date to look forward to this evening.

I wondered, as I stepped back into my bedroom, how Nicole’s mother was going to handle the news, to say nothing of her father.

I didn’t know anything about her home life, if her parents were together or divorced, or if like me, her dad was no longer around, even.

I was suddenly glad neither of us wanted anything serious yet. There were far too many variables at play that needed to be sorted out first.

I expected Margie might come home for lunch, but I had a few hours before then to kill. I didn’t care much for daytime television, so I decided to busy myself playing the domestic little sister.

I didn’t have much else to occupy my hands or my time after finishing the letter to Mom that I promised Doctor Ketz I’d write, so I spent most of the morning straightening the house.

Around ten I went into the kitchen to see what I had to work with as far as lunch was concerned. It would still be a couple of hours before Margie came home, but that would give me time to defrost something.

If having a single mother who worked odd hours taught me anything, it was how not to burn the house down preparing a simple meal.

I found a small package of ground beef in the freezer and set it out on the counter, then went to the pantry for a side dish. Margie to her credit, kept the pantry well-stocked.

I wondered as I pulled out a can of pork and beans, how much of the old life insurance policy was left, and how much of it had gone into buying this house.

‘At least her business’, I thought as I set the can aside, ‘sounded like it was picking up.’ I started thinking about taking a summer job.

I was so convinced mom would get better before today, that I would’ve never even entertained the notion further before, but the more I thought about it, the more I began to realize that if the worst should happen, that I’d have to be able to take care of myself. Even though I knew I’d be able to stay with Margie, it wouldn’t be fair to her if I just lay about all summer.

“She will get better though,” I tried to reassure myself. Snapping back to reality, I dug through several kitchen drawers until I found a box of zip-lock bags and placed the meat inside.

After running some cold water in the sink I set the meat in its watertight bag, into the water with the pork and beans can on top to weigh it down then proceeded to busy myself, changing out the water about every fifteen minutes while I cleaned and straightening the kitchen.

I’d just begun frying up the second hamburger when I heard the front door open.

“Robin, that smells great!” Margie called from the foyer. A moment later she joined me in the kitchen. She gave my braid a playful tug that caused the spring-loaded butterfly pin to dance, as she stepped up behind me. “Wow. That’s a hamburger I smelled?”

I smiled as I nodded. “Yeah, I hope you like them. It’s a recipe I found on the internet last year.”

She gave me a puzzled look, “There are recipes for making hamburgers?”

I put my palm dramatically to my face, “You’re joking right sis? Here,” I handed her the plate with the first burger, already sitting neatly on a toasted bun. “You have got to try this. I didn’t know what you liked on yours so I just put everything out on the table over there.”

She gave me a hug as she accepted the offered plate, “You sound like you’re feeling better at least.” She offered, staying by my side.

I nodded as I flipped my hamburger over then turned off the burner, scooping the meat up and dropping it onto my own toasted bun.

“Ally and Nikki came over. I also wrote that letter to Mom that Doctor Ketz wanted me to write, so that helped. Plus I’ve been playing domestic all morning so I haven’t had time to really stop and think, either.”

As we sat, I watched her take a bite of her burger. I had to grin as her eyes widened.

“Oh my God this is divine! What did you do?”

I giggled, “Salt, pepper, and a dash of honey. Next time I’ll try garlic too, but I wanted to see how you liked it without first. Oh, can I go to the movies with Nikki tonight?” I tacked on the end in as nonchalant a way as I could manage.

“Of course you can. Allison’s not going though?”

I shook my head. This was the moment of truth. “It’s … kind of a date.”

She stopped chewing for a moment and stared at me. I smiled broadly back at her. “That’s great! I didn’t realize you two were serious though. I thought she was off at some camp all week.”

“Oh, she was,” I responded before taking a bite. I took a moment to savor the flavors mingling with the small amount of ketchup I’d added to mine, before continuing.

“She just came off a really hard breakup last week, so technically we’re just going out as friends, but kind of more, you know?”

“I guess that means she knows everything, then?” Margie offered in that way that only a big sister can, protecting her little sister. I smiled sheepishly.

“Well that’s the funny thing. Right after Kelly and I had our little talk the other day on the stairs? She overheard us talking, thought I meant that I was just into girls by my comment to Kelly about worrying about Mom accepting me, and… she asked me for advice about how to tell Allison without losing her friendship.”

I proceeded to relate how Nicole and I had talked about her feelings, and my advising her that just because she liked girls, it didn’t mean her friendships with others had to change.

Margie giggled when I told her about Nicole’s revelation, that the only thing that changed was that she was more comfortable with herself now.

“Gee, now where have I heard that before?” She grinned. I had to laugh.

“Y’know, I can take the afternoon off if you want to get your hair done for tonight.”

“Really?!” I almost squealed. I’d dreamed of getting my hair done at a real salon ever since it started to reach my shoulders.

“But it’s a real commitment. Once you get it styled, it’s going to be hard to hide if you decide you want to go back to being Robert again.”

I shook my head vehemently. “Sis, there’s something I need to tell you.” I set my hamburger down, stating with absolute certainty what I had been thinking about off and on since this morning.

“I don’t think I want to go back to being Robert again, ever.”

 
“I can’t say I’m surprised.” Margie said softly as she reached out across the small dining table to squeeze my hand. “I’m honestly amazed at how completely you took to being Robin.

“I think I've told you before how Linda and I spoke at length about how you weren’t making friends at school, and how she was starting to get really worried about you,” she hesitated.

“I know. She constantly encouraged me to be more outgoing, but I just never felt comfortable being social before.” I replied.

I hated social situations as Robert, and the few people I did call friends were more like ‘people I talked to at lunch’ than anything. I didn’t dare invite anyone over because I didn’t want to risk someone finding out about my then-secret.

“But now… Look at you.” She smiled, “You’ve got two great friends, and you’re going on a date tonight. I’d call that a turnaround.”

“It’s weird. When I stopped fighting it: when I stopped trying to ignore my urges, everything just started falling into place. It was just like Doctor Ketz said. I can’t feel guilty for breathing.

“Nikki and Ally brought up the big ‘H’ word earlier. I’m going to talk to Doctor Ketz about it this weekend.” I said with no small amount of pride.

“The H word?” Margie asked, as she picked up our plates, moving to the sink. I started to help her, but she shook her head. “You made lunch, so I’ll take care of the dishes.”

“Oki doki.” I said cheerily as I hopped up on the white kitchen countertop beside the sink, leaning over to watch her. “And yeah, um … ‘hormones’.”

“Oh, that ‘h’,” she echoed. Glancing at me, she cracked a smile, “You look so adorable. Just don’t get your hopes up. It’s only been a week.”

“I know. I just don’t want to wait too long. Kelly was my age when she started her transition.

“I don’t expect to just suddenly wake up and be a natural girl or anything, but I don’t want to wait until puberty decides I’ve had it easy long enough and turns me into a baritone with feet the size of boats.”

It’s true, I was a late bloomer. My voice wasn’t as high-pitched as it used to be, but it wasn’t atrociously deep either. I wanted to keep it that way if nothing else.

“That makes sense. Maybe they can start you on something to block that then go from there. So, any ideas on what you want to do with your hair?” She asked as she rinsed and set our plates in the drainer, moving on to the frying pan.

I realized, at this point, that I’d completely forgotten the can of pork and beans I was going to serve with our burgers. I picked up the can, staring at it as I thought about Margie’s question.

“I love it long, but it’s getting to be pretty unwieldy. Maybe I could get it cut to here,” I raised my hand to indicate a point just above my shoulders, “where it would hang down and frame my face. I don’t want to get a bob though. It worked for that girl that pierced my ears, but I never want my hair that short.”

Margie chuckled as I prattled on. “I agree. Leaving some length would look cute on you, maybe cut off a few inches to here?” She dried her hands, then reached out to point to my shoulder blade area.

“I think, for tonight, you should wear it up too. You were blessed with straight hair, but it’s got some great volume to it. I’d bet anything every girl in school wished she had your hair,” she teased.

I just blushed. “They used to say that a lot. They’d die if they saw me like this.”

“From jealousy, I’m sure,” she added entirely seriously. The odd thing was, I actually kind of agreed with her. I didn’t have a great figure. I didn’t have a figure at all, but I felt good about myself. That had to count for something right?

“Well, go get your purse. I’ll wait in the car.”

When I got out to Margie’s car, she looked like she’d been chatting on her cell phone for a few minutes. I sat down and pulled my seatbelt across, just as she wrapped up the conversation.

“We’ll be there shortly. Thanks Dee. I owe you one.”

“’Dee’?” I echoed. As we backed out of the driveway, a little black Mustang had just pulled into the Jones’ driveway. The windows were tinted so I couldn’t see the driver, but I waved as Nicole stepped out from the passenger side.

She grinned, giving me a playful ‘thumbs up’ and holding up a shopping bag. I started laughing as I waved, “I guess shopping worked.”

“Dee is Denise, my stylist. She is to hair what Michelangelo is to sculpting. And of course shopping worked! Shopping is the divine cure for all that ails!” she joked, then paused, “But just so we’re clear, what did shopping cure?”

“Nikki wanted to break the news to her mom about wanting to go on a date with a girl gently, by letting her take her shopping for clothes that weren’t all black. I’d say it worked judging by the smile back there.”

“Ahhh, that makes sense. I didn’t even think about Nicole’s parents having a problem with this. I’ll talk to them if anything should need to be smoothed over.

“I want you to just worry about having fun tonight. God knows you need a break.” Margie had a twinge of concern in her voice at that last part, but I could understand why, with everything going on right now.

I nodded, staring out the window. I had never been in a salon even with my mother, so I had no idea what it would be like. I was expecting little old women in curlers sitting under antiquated machines like in the movies.

Alpine Springs wasn’t the biggest community, but it was large enough to support Denise’s establishment, apparently.

When we arrived, we were greeted at the door by a tall, willowy redhead dressed somewhat casually. She and Margie hugged and exchanged pleasantries for a moment before both set their attention on me.

“You must be Robin. My goodness Margie, you weren’t kidding! She’s a doll!” I fought with everything I had not to blush at her compliment as she stepped closer, gently lifting my chin.

Her eyes were a deep, rich blue that almost had to be contact lenses. She smiled, “You have really pretty eyes.” She added a moment later.

“Thank you.” I finally lost my battle against the blush. She walked around behind me, holding my braid up by the tip.

With a few gentle tugs, she managed to completely untwist everything Allison had done. She offered me the butterfly clip with a warm smile. I carefully put it in my pocket as Margie introduced us.

“Robin, this is Denise. She’s the only woman I’ve trusted with my hair since moving here.”

I offered a warm smile and turned to shake her hand, “Nice to meet you ma’am.”

“Likewise, Robin. Your sister is far too kind though.”

She led me further inside to the main styling area, for lack of a better word, where another girl was getting her hair done.

She presently had her hair wrapped in a towel to protect it from the facial cream applied to her face, so there was really very little of her to see. Denise motioned for me to sit, and moved around behind me.

“So, Robin, Margie tells me this is a big night for you. Do you have any thoughts about what you want to do?”

“I don’t want it short, but that’s about all I really know. We were talking about it earlier, and she says I have a lot of volume.

“All I know is it’s kind of intimidating to work with so I usually just let one of my friends braid it, or wear it straight,” I offered, adding a moment later, “Thanks for agreeing to see me on such short notice.”

“Nonsense, dear. Margie is one of my favorite regulars, and I accept walk-ins anyway, since things have been slow lately. Now, just try and relax.”

I settled back into the chair and let her work her magic. A great deal of snipping, combing, brushing, and spritzing took place over the next thirty minutes.

When she had finished, she handed me a small hand mirror, then had me stand with my back to the larger wall mirror so I could get a better look from both angles.

I was surprised at just how long she had left it, for how much hair I thought was being cut away. She managed to shape it in a way that it hung very elegantly around my shoulders, with two much shorter locks down the left and right sides, framing my face perfectly. I had bangs again, and what’s more, they were kind of sexy.

“Now, if you want something more dressy for tonight you can roll this,” She paused, gently touching my bangs with her fingertips, “Into tight curls.

“For the rest you can go with looser waves, or if you’re going to wear a dress and go for a more formal look, put it up into a high ponytail and tight curls there as well, or a flower-garnished bun if you want to go all out.”

I turned and hugged her. “Oh, I love it! Thank you so much!”

She smiled warmly, “You’re welcome, but we’re not done yet. I have every confidence in your and Margie’s abilities, dear, but I simply can’t let you walk out of here until I have the honors of finishing your look for tonight first.”

I giggled as I handed her the mirror and sat down again. “Well, I think my date is going to be trying a new more formal look, so I have to look my best too. I have this one really cute dress I got last weekend.

“It’s not really ‘formal’ formal, but it’s not something I’d wear for an everyday dress either. It’s a pretty wine color, and almost but not quite off the shoulder so I can still wear a regular bra.

“It’s got a modest scooped neckline and about a knee length hem,” I gushed, continuing to describe it as she set to work. I was so proud of that dress, as it was one of the few that really worked well with my figure, or lack thereof.

“Tell your sister I’d like to see a picture of you before your date tonight. That sounds absolutely lovely. I’m sure he’ll agree.”

I blushed. Should I tell her ‘he’ was a ‘she’? I decided to let sleeping dogs lie, and settled in for another long style session.

I was actually relieved to find that Margie hadn’t waited there for me the entire time. She had just returned with two McDonalds cups as I emerged from the back.

My bangs now hung as two tightly spun twists framing my face, with the rest bound back in a ponytail held with a ‘loaner’ wine-colored barrette from Denise’s private collection bearing a small gold plate across the top.

“Oh you look beautiful!” She exclaimed as she rushed over to hug me. “Denise you’ve outdone yourself!”

“She wants pictures of me in my dress before I go out tonight,” I added proudly. Margie nodded.

“Absolutely! Oh, this is for you. I had a McFlurry craving. I hope you still like chocolate?”

I happily accepted my sweet treat. I hadn’t had chocolate in over a week now, and truth be told, this was the first time I’d actually given it any thought either. “Ooh, thank you!” I said happily.

I satiated myself off to the side while Margie and Denise talked for another moment. I watched Margie try to hand Denise a wad of bills. Denise peeled one away, and forced the rest back on her.

“Dee, I insist!” She demanded in a hushed tone as she tried to give the rest back.

“No, this one’s my treat. It’s not every day I have someone as happy with my work as your sister. I thought she was going to cry when I finished. I’m happy I could make tonight more special for her!”

By this point, I was blushing again. I smiled as the two turned their attention back to me.

“Thank you again,” I offered, as Margie echoed.

“Yes, thank you Dee. Come by the store some time. You’ve made Robin’s day, so you get a discount.” She winked, turning to head for the exit. I couldn’t help grinning as I followed.

We headed home after that, and I spent the next few hours a nervous wreck on the living room sofa. Finally around four o’clock, I went up to my room to start getting ready.

I knew Nicole would be over by five, and I needed as much time as possible to get my makeup to look perfect.

Maybe I was taking this all too seriously, as we were technically just going out as friends, but this was my first time going on a date as a girl, and this was Nicole’s first night going out with a girl, so I wanted to make it as memorable as possible for both of us.

Around five, a knock at the door made me squeal. I heard Margie call from downstairs, “Relax! You’re going to pass out if you keep squealing at every little noise!”

She had a point. I needed to calm down. I had just finally put the finishing touches on my makeup and begun sorting through some of my jewelry.

I wanted to look pretty, but not like a walking display case, so I opted for a simple silver chain, holding a pendant with a tiny amethyst in the center to match my stud earrings.

I added the silver chain bracelet Margie had loaned me for the evening, and finished off with a light spritz of perfume. It had a faint citrusy base that made me feel good without reeking of fruit salad.

I grabbed my purse, stopping short. Something felt wrong.

“Shoes, genius!” I muttered. I’d been walking around with a pair of socks over my dark pantyhose to protect them, so I sat on my bed and peeled those off first.

Just as I was sliding a pair of two-inch heeled sandals into place, someone knocked on my open bedroom door. I almost squealed again. I looked up to see Margie smiling at me, followed by a bright flash from her digital camera.

I blinked a few times. “Who was at the door?”

“It’s just me.” Allison called cheerily as she poked her head around. “I just wanted to–Oh my God, is that you?!”

I stood and stepped closer, nodding. I wasn’t really sure how to respond, but fortunately I didn’t have to. She rushed up and hugged me.

“Robin, you look incredible! Oh man, Nikki’s not going to know what hit her! I thought she looked great, but wow!”

Flash! Another picture from my giggly sister followed. Allison had turned just in time to see it coming, and managed a grin to offset my dumb smile. I hugged her as Margie turned to leave us alone to talk.

“So did Nikki say anything about where we’re going?” I asked as I moved to follow Margie.

“She did, but I can’t tell you. She wants it to be a surprise.” She put her hand on my shoulder, causing me to pause and turn back to face her.

“Robin, I can’t remember the last time I saw her so excited about a date. I’m kind of jealous.”

She grinned, “But I’m happy for you both more than anything. I know you guys said neither of you wanted anything serious, but this is still a huge step for both of you. I’m glad you’re taking it together.”

I smiled as I hugged Allison tightly. She laughed, “Hey, no tears now. You’ll ruin your makeup.”

As we walked downstairs, I had to ask, “So… How did her mom take the news?”

“Better than expected. Honestly, Nikki’s been in kind of a funk for awhile now. I think her mom was just happy to see her genuinely excited about something other than music. Plus, she hated Jason.” She laughed.

“Really?” I asked. We’d no sooner hit the bottom step than someone knocked at the front door.

Allison grinned at me. “And that’d be her.”

Before I could respond, Allison had made a bee-line for the kitchen. I don’t think I’d ever seen her move that fast, actually. I on the other hand, moved to open the door. It seems Nicole enjoyed leaving me dumbstruck.

She was dressed in a gorgeous burgundy A-line dress with simple, matching heels. Her makeup was more dramatic, but decidedly more elegant, than I’d ever seen, and her hair was up in a tight bun.

I’d swear it looked like it had been highlighted since I saw her last, but most striking was that the pink in her bangs had been completely washed away.

A middle-aged woman with layered auburn hair, definitely my mother’s age, stood behind her. She was dressed in a beautiful, but conservative semi-formal black dress, and with her heels, must have towered over me by a good four inches.

“Oh my God, you look amazing!” Nicole exclaimed as she threw her arms around me. “Wow, Robin. You really went all out! Oh, Momma, this is Robin, my … Um … date.” She fumbled her words nervously.

I put on my most polite smile. My heart raced as I offered my hand, “It’s nice to meet you ma’am.”

“Likewise, Robin,” she replied neutrally as we shook hands. “Nicole hasn’t stopped talking about you since she returned from camp.”

I smiled nervously. “Would you like to come inside for a minute?” I offered, again, as politely as I could manage. I knew I’d only get one chance to make a good first impression. Nicole turned to look at her mother, who nodded in-turn.

“Yes, I believe I would.” She replied. Nicole, I’d observed, always seemed to have a very faint southern drawl to her speech. Her mother on the other hand, had practically no accent whatsoever.

I stepped back, leading the pair to the living room. As Nicole and I sat beside each other on the sofa, her mother seated herself in one of the adjoining chairs. Margie, apparently waiting for some sort of visual or auditory cue, suddenly appeared in the doorway.

“Good evening Gina,” she offered warmly as she extended her hand.

“Oh, hello Margie,” she responded, shaking Margie’s hand. She was decidedly warmer toward Margie, which should have made me feel better, but I couldn’t help feeling I was about to be on trial for whatever it was I would never dream of doing to her daughter. By now Nicole had taken my hand in hers.

“So, Robin,” she began. I flinched inwardly, but her expression shifted from neutral to an almost kind one: almost. “Nicole tells me you’re the reason she’s been so cheerful this last week. At first we thought it was someone making prank phone calls from her music camp,”

Nicole giggled. “Yeah, they couldn't believe how happy I sounded by Monday.”

I blushed. “I … I don’t know that I’d go that far ma’am.” Nicole squeezed my hand, interrupting me.

“Robin stop being so modest!” she whispered.

“To tell the truth, it all started with an innocent question. She came over to hang out with Allison. Ally had come over with her sister Kelly to see how my therapy session had gone.” I flinched. Oh crap. Now she was going to think I was crazy!

Sure enough, her finely-sculpted eyebrows rose a bit at that.

“Um, don’t get me wrong, I’m not crazy or anything. It’s just a lot of things have been happening in my life. My mom’s in the hospital, and I had to come here to stay with my sister while she’s in a coma, and it just all sort of piled up.

“Anyway, I thought something seemed kind of off, so I asked her if everything was okay.”

She silently nodded for me to continue.

“Well, she opened up about that jerk dumping her and how she wasn’t sure she could still go to her music camp.”

Nicole offered a moment later, “And you already know the rest.”

She nodded curtly. “Yes, although it’s taken me a few hours to get over the shock of being called “Momma” instead of “Gina”.”

She added with an odd smile, “Robin, you seem like a well-mannered young lady. If this is what Nicole truly wants…”

Nicole leaned over to kiss my cheek, causing me to blush brightly yet again. “Definitely,” she insisted.

“Well, we should be going soon if you girls are going to make your reservation.”

There was something in her expression: a hint of a knowing smile, perhaps? She rose. “I’ll be in the car, dear. It was good to see you again Margie,” she added, stepping back outside.

I turned to look at Nicole. She was positively glowing. “Mom got us reservations at Chez Marceau!”

I must have been staring because Nicole giggled, squeezing my hand. As we stood, Margie broke out her camera again. This time I was ready for her.

I put my arm around Nicole’s waist and leaned close. While we posed for pictures together, Allison emerged.

“That went better than I expected.” She chuckled.

Nicole squealed, “Ally! You were there that whole time and you didn’t come out?”

“I came over to make sure Robin was ready, but you showed up before I could leave, so I hid in the kitchen. This is you guys’ night.” She beamed.

Nicole grabbed her by the arm and dragged her over to me. “One more picture, then we have to go. C’mere Robin.”

I stood opposite Nicole, both of us hugging Ally in the middle. It was going to make a great photo, with both of us all dressed up and her in a pale lavender top and cut-off jean shorts.

I was surprised to see, when we stepped out, a silver Lexus parked in the driveway. The driver, a middle-aged man dressed in what appeared to be a black suit and tie, seemed to be staring at me.

He looked back to Gina, who just nodded her head. That had to be her father. I stayed practically glued to Nicole’s side as we approached.

My stomach felt as though it might to knot itself hopelessly, and I could practically feel my heart in my throat.

Nicole opened the passenger side back door, waiting for me to sit and situate myself before closing it then getting in on the other side.

“Daddy, this is Robin,” Nicole offered. There was a certain I-don’t-know-what in his expression when she said that. Maybe I wasn’t what he was expecting? Or maybe he wasn’t used to being called ‘Daddy’ so cheerfully, if Gina’s comment was any indication.

I offered my hand, which he turned around to shake. “Nice to meet you, sir.” I offered nervously.

“How do you do, Robin,” he replied with a little warmth in his tone. I expected to be grilled worse by him than her mother, but he left it at that, starting the car. Curiously, he seemed to be lacking in any sort of accent either.

“We’re just going to drop you girls off and pick you up again in about an hour.” He smiled back at us as he looked back to check for traffic, backing out of the driveway.

“We were going to go with you,” her mother added a moment later, “but after seeing you, Robin, and having a chance to talk with you, I feel the two of you can be trusted.”

I smiled warmly, more than a little surprised by this revelation.

I’d never put this much work into looking good for a date with Andrea. I guess somehow I always sensed that it wouldn’t last, but with Nicole, even if we were just going out as friends on a ‘sort of’ date, it was absolutely worth going all out just to see that look on her face when I opened the door.

Now that I knew we would be going to the most expensive restaurant in town I was glad I had.

“I’m honored, Mrs. Morgan,” I offered softly as Nicole squeezed my hand.

True to their word, Nicole’s parents dropped us off at the restaurant and left. Nicole took me by the hand again and smiled. “Have you ever eaten at a place like this?” She asked. I shook my head.

“I’m a fast food girl.” We both laughed as we stepped inside.

“Don’t worry.” She whispered, “This place puts on a big show, but the staff are awesome about being respectful.

“I mean, they haven’t thrown me out yet despite my reputation. So just smile a lot and act like you belong here because you do!”

As we approached the maitre d, he seemed initially uneasy, but a spark of recognition crossed his face.

“Ah! Mademoiselle Morgan, I did not recognize you!” He began in an atrociously bad French accent, then paused and winked at us, speaking in plain English.

“My goodness, you look incredible!” He smiled as he turned his attention to me. Nicole released my hand, and he took it. I blushed intensely as he bowed, kissing the back of it softly. “And you have a very pretty friend with you!”

Nicole took my hand again as he stepped back. By now more customers had arrived behind us, so the accent had made a triumphant return.

“Ah, oui, I believe your mother phoned ahead this afternoon, but your parents are not here now, so… ah ha! This is a special night?” He grinned.

Nicole just smiled. “Yes. You’re looking at the girl who tamed the wild little hell raiser you so hated to see coming through here a month ago.”

He laughed as he motioned with his hand, “Then tonight, you shall have the royal treatment!”

I was stunned. Apparently the people waiting behind us were as well. I glanced back to see a middle-aged man in an expensive-looking suit nodding toward us, or toward Nicole at least, and whispering something to the slightly younger woman by his side.

She stared wide-eyed, smiling politely a moment later as she realized I’d noticed. I just smiled and returned my attention to the maitre d.

He led us to a table for two at the center of the floor. A beautiful flower arrangement dominated the table though we could easily see each other over it.

He pulled out my chair and bade me sit, then did the same for Nicole. I shook my head in disbelief as he raced off to attend to the other customers.

“What was that about?” I asked, still trying to get my head around what had just happened.

She giggled, “Umm, about that,” she trailed off with a wry smile, “My parents are kind of loaded.”

“Ah Miss Morgan, you look absolutely ravishing!” A young man in his twenties with neatly trimmed hair spoke as he approached. “And you have a pretty friend as well! May I get you both something to drink while you peruse our menu for this evening?”

Nicole said something to him in French that I could not begin to hope to repeat. I recognized my name somewhere in that garbled mess, but that was it.

He smiled broadly as he responded in kind, placing a pair of menus before us and dashing off again.

“So anyway, I guess you could say my Goth girl phase was sort of a personal rebellion. I always dressed as trashy as I thought I could get away with and made the wait staff miserable.

“I’d send my meals back two or three times just to mess with the head chef.” She giggled, smiling wryly.

“I don’t get it, Nikki. If your family is so well-off, what are you doing living in a place like Alpine Springs?”

“Well, let me ask you a counter-question first. How much did you pick up on about my parents when you met them?”

I blinked at her odd question, pondering for a moment. “Like what?”

“Like, that I don’t look anything like them for one.” She gave me a knowing smile.

“Or that you’re the only one with that adorable accent?”

I thought she was going to turn beet red as she lowered her gaze, giggling a little.

“Yeah, I’m kind of adopted. My real parents were total a--” she abruptly cut herself off as one of the wait staff stopped by our table to deliver two glasses of water.

“They were bad people, and I don’t want to say anything more about that. Bob and Gina were my foster parents since I was like ten. When the state decided I’d lived with them long enough, I threw a fit.

“I didn’t want to leave them because I knew I could trust them, and I knew they wouldn’t hurt me. They’re both really awesome, if a little overprotective. That thing with Mom earlier tonight? That was her testing you. She did the same to Jason, so don’t sweat it too much.”

I frowned a little at what she was implying about her birth parents, but managed a polite chuckle to keep the conversation going, “So, I guess that means you don’t normally call them ‘momma’ and ‘daddy’?”

“Nope! They’re great parents to continue taking care of a messed up kid like me. They even adopted me after they realized I didn’t want to live anywhere else, and I know they love me.

“I just never felt all that comfortable treating them like my parents. To me parents were … well, I’ll tell you about it some other time. I don’t want to ruin our date.” She smiled broadly as she stared across the table at me.

I nodded softly as the young man returned, setting our glasses in front of us. He lingered a moment. Nicole immediately nodded toward me. “So, have you decided what you want?”

“I… can’t understand any of this.” I finally admitted, offering a sheepish smile. “Something with chicken would be awesome though. I’m trying to watch my weight and I had a huge burger for lunch.”

Nicole again rattled off… SOMETHING in French, and the young man left us alone again. She glanced at me. “So? What were you about to say?”

“I was just wondering what changed your mind?” I offered, staring at the glass. The strongest ‘drink’ I’d ever had usually involved powerful, foul-tasting cough medicine.

I lifted my glass and took a sip, wrinkling my nose as its contents trickled down my throat.

She laughed, “It’s an acquired taste, but don't worry, it's just cider. And to answer your question, you did,” she paused, lifting her glass again, “Hearing you and Kelly talk about how her mom and she became closer after she stopped trying to live a lie…

“It really spoke to me. I spent my free time at camp either practicing, or thinking about the last few years, why I never let those two close to me even after I had begun to trust and even love them.

“As I got older, I started to get scared that they’d want to disown me if they knew I liked girls. But I made up my mind this morning, after you said yes, that I was going to let them see for themselves the impact being honest with myself had on me, and on our relationship. I freaked dad right the hell out when I called him ‘daddy’ the first time.” She grinned.

“But that doesn’t explain what you’re doing here.” I reminded her, with a gentle smile.

“Ah, that’s easy. Daddy used to be an investment banker. About three years ago he had a mild stress-induced heart attack, and the doctors told him to start taking it easy, so we moved here.

“He still owns controlling stock, and he still holds rank on the young pups. He’s just not in the more stressful stuff anymore.”

I nodded as I listened, so lost in our conversation that I didn't even notice the well-rounded man in a stereotypical white chef’s apron and hat approaching our table, carrying two platters.

“I just had to see for myself!” He said in a cheerful tone, as he set our plates before us.

“My young friends, you both look trés belle! Tonight, I shall prepare for you my finest dessert at no charge. It is worth it to see that perhaps tonight, I won’t be re-preparing your meal so many times, yes?” He winked at Nicole, who started to giggle.

“And you thought I was joking about that part?” I laughed quietly as I shook my head.

“God this is incredible!” I exclaimed after trying a bite of the chicken dish. The apparent head chef smiled proudly as he bowed, turning to return to the kitchen.

“I don’t mean to sound shallow at all here, but how could Jason just break up with you? I mean money aside, you’re so fun to spend time with.”

“Equal blame to me and my mother, I guess. Like I said, our relationship always felt forced, and as far as Mom's involvement, well... you’re the first person I’ve dined out like this with, if that tells you anything. With Jason it was a burger joint or bust.”

I decided to let the issue drop, as I was certain she was tired of talking about the jerk. The rest of the evening passed far too quickly.

I felt like a princess in a fairy tale. I had to remind myself several times that evening that neither of us wanted a serious relationship, but I had decided, regardless, that I would get a goodnight kiss at least.

It perhaps didn’t help that the movie we went to see was a real tear jerker. It was a modern day take on the old story of a prince who forsakes his royal birthrights to pursue romance with a common girl.

I can only describe how we spent most of the movie as ‘cuddling’. Her parents sat behind us, and I’m pretty sure they were watching us more than they were the movie, but to tell the truth there was nothing much to see.

I never made a move on her, nor did I wish to. She did, however, give me a playful, light goosing as I got up to leave during the end credits.

The sun had already set by the time we returned to Margie’s, leaving street lights and a perfectly hung full moon overhead.

Nicole insisted I wait in the car, quickly getting out and moving around to open the door for me. Her dad shot me a surprised glance, to which I just offered a helpless smile, stepping out.

“I had so much fun tonight,” Nicole said as she walked me to the door. I squeezed her hand, and gave her a hug before responding.

“Me too, Nikki; I feel like any second now I’m going to wake up and find out this was all just my mind messing with me.”

As we reached my front door, she put her arms around me. The rest of the world completely melted away as we stared into each other’s eyes. She leaned in for a lingering, soft kiss. It was as exhilarating as it was innocent.

“Now I know I’m not dreaming. My imagination’s never treated me so well.” I grinned.

“I know we both agreed we didn’t want anything more,” she began softly as we hugged each other, “But we should still do this again soon. Goodnight, cutie.” She grinned.

“Sweet dreams, vampire.” She laughed, as she pulled away, turning to return to her parents’ car.

I stood there under the soft glow of the front porch light, watching her get back in the car and drive away, before I stepped inside.

Becoming Robin By Zoe Taylor Raggedy Man -/- Allison's Wonderland Pt 2   “You girls need a ride?” He offered. Allison shook her head, “No thanks.” “Aw c’mon. I won’t bite.” “She said no!” I shouted, grabbing her hand. He started to slide to the passenger side, and at that point I turned toward him, placing myself in front of Allison. I clutched my defense spray and attempted to spray him with it. Unfortunately I was shaking so badly that I completely missed, which just made him angrier. He shouted some extremely foul curses as we tore off toward the nearest house together. By the time he’d gotten out we were on the front steps, banging on the door and screaming.

---

---

 
I pressed my back to the door as I closed my eyes. I’d swear I could still feel the tingle of her lips. When I opened my eyes again, Margie was standing close by with her arms folded, and a ridiculous grin on her face.

“Ah, young love.” She teased as she moved closer to hug me. I practically threw my arms around her. The corners of my mouth had actually begun to hurt for how long I’d been smiling that night, but I didn’t care.

“That was the most incredible evening I’ve ever had! Dinner was fantastic, and the movie was good too.” I prattled on for another minute or so then looked up at Margie. She practically giggled.

“So, what happened? You don’t glow like that just from dinner and a movie. I want details girl!”

I laughed, moving into the living room to sit. As I bent forward to take off my shoes, I looked back at her, waiting for her to join me.

“We had dinner at that French place like she said. Her mom told us she trusted us enough to just drop us off instead of joining us after our brief chat here at the house. Apparently Nikki has a reputation because none of the staff, including the head chef, could believe it was really her. They treated us like royalty.”

I gushed, “God it was amazing. We spent like, the entire movie joined at the hip, but it was totally innocent. Then when we got back, she walked me to the door, said that we should go out again sometime, and…” I blushed, giggling again, “She kissed me goodnight. It was all so surreal.”

“And now that you’ve met her parents you’ve nailed two birds with one stone,” Margie commented in a calculating, but upbeat tone. I just shook my head.

“One step at a time; I really like her, and I think she feels the same way, but she did just come off a relationship. I want to give her some time.”

Margie smiled as she hugged me close to her. I flinched a little as my ear brushed her shoulder. My ears were still just a little bit tender from the piercing, though not nearly as bad as they were a few days prior.

“That’s a very grown-up thing to say, you know. I’m proud of you.”

I smiled as I nodded, kissing her cheek. I think it was the first time I’d kissed my sister since I was five. It certainly got her attention though. She grinned and kissed my forehead back. “Allison’s probably waiting for you to call her,” she added.

“I’ll see her tomorrow morning when we go jogging. Plus Nikki’s probably going to call her. I’m just going to go get ready for bed and write in my diary for awhile.”

I smiled cheerfully, deflecting any concern that sentiment might have raised. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to gush to Allison about my first date as Robin, but I knew Nikki would want to talk to her now that she was finally opening up about her feelings.

Plus, I wanted to write about how the evening had gone while it was still fresh in my mind. I gave Margie another warm hug then picked up my shoes, scooting off up to my room. That night was the most restful I’d slept since I’d been here.

The next morning, I was up and dressed just after sunrise. I carried my workout gear (fanny pack, ankle/wrist weights, and such) downstairs with me. Margie wasn’t there, so I went into the kitchen. I found a note taped to the refrigerator.

‘Robin,

Didn’t want to wake you, but I have an early appointment in New Haven. Will call when I’m finished. Remember your pepper spray, and don’t talk to strangers.

Love,
Margie

PS: Breakfast is in the fridge. Just toss it in the microwave’

I pulled the door open to find a plate of eggs and sausage covered in plastic wrap awaiting me. I peeled back the wrap, popping the plate in the microwave and, after setting the digital timer, stepped back into the living room to be sure I had everything.

I was suddenly glad Margie’s note made me double-check because I had indeed forgotten my defense spray. I put it with my things, hurrying back into the kitchen just in time for the microwave to announce breakfast was ready.

After I ate, I dropped my plate in the sink and ran some water over it then grabbed my sport bottle from the fridge. A few minutes later I was out the door, Allison waiting in the driveway, grinning as broadly as Margie had been last night.

“So?”

“So?” I echoed teasingly. She put her hands on her hips and stamped her foot.

“Don’t play games with me missy! I want details!” She laughed, “Nikki called for a few minutes last night, but her mom made her get off the phone so they could talk.”

“Uh oh.” I suddenly stopped stretching as I stood up again. “I wonder what that was about? They seemed like they were okay with everything. I mean, her dad kind of gave me a funny look when Nikki insisted she open the door for me, but other than that…”

Allison giggled, “She did? Oh my God. That is like, so sweet. And so unlike her.” She tacked on a moment later.

“Come on gigglebox. I’ll tell you all about it while we jog. Sorry I didn’t call you last night though. I was sure Nikki would’ve had more time to talk,” I offered, as we started down the driveway.

“I understand. For what it’s worth, she sounded happier than I’ve seen her in a long time,” she responded. From there I began to regale her with how our evening had passed.

She practically had to stop in her tracks for laughing too hard to jog, when I told her about the head chef himself coming out to talk with us. As she caught her breath, Allison glanced over her shoulder.

“Is it me or has that van been following us?” she said softly. I glanced back, and sure enough, a dark red minivan with tinted windows rolled along a few car lengths behind us slowly.

“Let’s turn off at this next road and start heading back,” I responded. At the next street we made a right.

The van followed us, quickly gaining speed. The passenger window lowered as it pulled up alongside us, and a haggard man in his late 20s with messy brown hair and the beginnings of a beard looked over at us. I didn’t like the way he was smiling.

“You girls need a ride?” He offered.

Allison shook her head, “No thanks.”

“Aw c’mon. I won’t bite.”

“She said no!” I shouted, grabbing her hand. He started to slide to the passenger side, and at that point I turned toward him, placing myself in front of Allison.

I clutched my defense spray and attempted to spray him with it. Unfortunately I was shaking so badly that I completely missed, which just made him angrier.

He shouted some extremely foul curses as we tore off toward the nearest house together. By the time he’d gotten out we were on the front steps, banging on the door and screaming.

“What’s going on out here?” A taller man in his thirties with a muscular build opened the door. His hair looked like a classic military buzz cut type, and for a moment I thought we’d be safer with the psycho, but at least this way we could call 9-1-1. We rushed inside before he could stop us.

“There’s a guy out there that won’t leave us alone!” Allison shrieked. I was too scared to say anything.

His expression faded from surprise to utter seriousness as he saw the can of spray in my hand, to say nothing of the fresh droplets where it had just been discharged. He pointed to the next room. “Go in there, get the phone, and dial 9-1-1 then lay low. Don’t come out until I tell you, understand?”

We both nodded and quickly ran around the corner into a small living room. A brown-haired woman in her late twenties, still in her pajamas and bathrobe, watched us with surprise.

“What’s going on?” She insisted. This time I answered.

“We need to call 9-1-1! Some guy tried to get us to get in his van and wouldn’t take no for an answer. We were just out jogging, and this was the closest house we could find.” I spoke quickly, trying my best to remain coherent.

She stood and picked up the phone, dialing as she came over to us, “You did the right thing girls. Just stay low and let Randall handle this, alright?” She then spoke into the phone a moment later, “Yes, we have an emergency at…” She rattled off the address, gave her husband’s name, and proceeded to quickly relate to them the situation.

By this point, the man she identified over the phone as Randall stepped into the room with us. I flinched as I realized he had a handgun.

“He’s still out there, probably considering his options. You three stay here.”

He then moved back into the foyer, crouching behind a small end table near the door. He didn’t have long to wait. I covered my mouth to keep from screaming, though Allison took care of that nicely anyway, as we heard the door being kicked in. A moment later Randall was barking orders, amid sounds of a struggle.

“DOWN ON THE GROUND! DOWN ON THE GROUND NOW!”

The raggedy man practically shrieked in surprise. We heard a loud thud a moment later.

“Beth get the rope out of the hall closet so I can tie up this scumbag for the police to deal with!” He shouted angrily a moment later, “one move and you get a new breathing hole!”

The woman spoke into the phone, “Yes, that was my husband. He just came home from Iraq last week,” was as much of the one-sided conversation as we could hear, between both of us sobbing, and the woman identified as Beth rushing off into the next room.

Randall had taken the guy outside so we at least didn’t have to listen to his cursing and screaming at us, and at the sound of a pair of sirens outside, we peeked cautiously around the front window’s curtains in time to see him surrender his sidearm to one of the police officers. One of the neighbors, seeing that the raggedy man had been handcuffed and placed in one of the two squad cars, came over as well.

We watched as our war hero motioned toward the house, and we quickly moved away from the window as he led a uniformed female officer inside. She had her sandy blonde hair up in a tight French braid that I might have thought looked pretty on her, were I not so focused on more important matters.

She removed her sunglasses as she approached us, “Ladies, I’m Officer Jane Garrett,” she began, “I just want you to know we have the suspect in custody.

"I’m going to need to take your statements, but we have two credible witnesses who heard more than enough of his belligerent screaming, and a neighbor says he saw the suspect chase you before breaking pursuit when Mr. Harris opened the door to let you inside.

“More importantly though, where do you live?” We gave her our addresses, and even though she didn’t ask, our names. She nodded, escorting us out to her waiting car. Her partner, another uniformed police woman with similarly braided auburn hair smiled at us.

“Great job girls,” she offered, “If not for your quick thinking that could have ended badly.” Somehow, I didn't feel terribly reassured by that comment, though I know she meant well.

“Are we going to have to go to the police station?” I asked meekly. At least the other squad car had already left, but the idea of seeing that pervert ever again made me physically ill.

“No, we’re going to take you both straight home,” Jane responded in a professional tone, but added more gently a moment later, “I want your parents present before you give a statement anyway,”

As we climbed into the back of the car, Jane sat up front, calling in that they were going to take ‘the witnesses’ home. Neither Allison nor I said anything as we sat in the back seat.

My stomach was turning somersaults, and Allison was shaking badly. As we pulled into Allison’s driveway, I spoke up.

“M-my sister’s in New Haven for the morning. I’m staying with her for the summer, but Ally’s parents are ‘in charge’ when she’s not home.”

“That’s fine,” Jane answered. I gulped as I saw both Carol and Joe come out to meet them. It must have looked bad, seeing us in the back of a squad car like this. The other officer stepped out, opening the door for us.

Joe was a tall man, standing six feet easily. Even though he had been out of the Marines for several years now, he still had a body that would make a pro wrestler squirm with envy.

The only other time I’d seen him, he was dressed in a suit and tie, so it was odd for me to see him in gray shorts and T-shirt like this, making the whole scene feel even more surreal.

“What’s this about?” He spoke crisply as he approached Officer Garrett, folding his arms. His piercing steel gray eyes settled on us as we meekly exited the vehicle, staying close to the other officer.

“The girls aren’t in any trouble, sir.” Jane began, “We just need to take their statements for a police report.”

“Police report?” Carol interrupted, turning to us.

I spoke up meekly, “This creepy guy tried to get us into his van.”

Carol immediately rushed to our side, throwing her arms around us as we both buried our faces in her shoulders, sobbing.

Joe’s expression softened considerably as he motioned toward the house, “Please come in, and we’ll get this all sorted out.”

Carol and the other woman who identified herself as Officer Melissa Evans - no relation, led us into the Jones’ house. We both sat down on the sofa together, trying to get our emotions under control long enough to give our version of what happened.

I explained as best I could manage how Allison had first noticed the van following us a block up from Mr. Harris’ home. Allison then told them that it was my ‘quick thinking’ that we both changed our regular route and made a break when he lurched at us, after refusing to accept our flat ‘No’, to say nothing of how the failed pepper spraying only served to make him even angrier.

I concluded with how he kicked in the Harris’ door while Beth was on the phone with the 9-1-1 people. As I finished, I gave Allison a reassuring hug.

“Will they be called to testify?” Carol asked, having by now seated herself close to Allison, with Joe sitting beside me with his arms protectively around me. I’d never hugged a man before, but somehow, I felt so safe in his arms. He wasn’t ‘a man’ to me that day, or ever again. He was ‘my best friend’s awesome dad’.

“The suspect’s in violation of parole, and he now faces breaking and entering charges on top of attempted kidnapping. We have the girls’ statements as well as several credible witnesses, though if the suspect opts to plead not guilty there is a chance they’ll be called to testify.

“Assuming you want to press charges, I just need one of you to sign this as well as the girls,” she offered us the clipboard she’d been holding, which Joe glanced over briefly, then signed, handing it to us to sign before returning it to her.

“You girls take it easy now. We’ll be in touch if we need anything else.” We both just nodded, huddling close to Allison’s parents as the officers turned to leave.

Joe gave me a light squeeze and smiled proudly, “That was smart thinking, Robin. I made Allison take self-defense classes, and I’d suggest you do the same, but it’s better not to let a situation get to the point where you need those skills in the first place. I’m proud of you girls.”

Allison smiled a little, “Yeah. You probably saved us.” She sobbed. Joe hugged us both, then stood to retrieve the phone from its base, dialing.

“Margie, this is Joe, Robin’s alright, but there’s been an incident,” I could hear only the beginnings of the conversation, as he stepped into the other room. Curse you cordless phones!

“Ally, are you alright?” I asked as I put my arms around her.

“Not really,” she said softly as she returned the hug. She practically collapsed in my arms, sobbing. “Robin I was so scared!”

“I was too, but I was more afraid for you,” I offered softly as I stroked her hair. I hadn’t given a second thought to what that creep would’ve done to me. I was more concerned with Allison’s well-being.

“Come on, let’s go up to your room and talk.” I gave her a reassuring smile as Carol reluctantly let go. I knew she wanted to be there for her daughter, and she probably needed to be, but if I didn’t try to be there for Allison, I’d only have a breakdown myself. On the inside, I was a nervous wreck. I wanted to just curl up into a ball and hide away from the world.

I decided her bedroom would be the most comfortable place in terms of familiarity and security for her, so I led her upstairs, passing Joe along the way. He gave me a reassuring smile. I carefully guided Allison up the stairs to her bedroom, picking up the box of tissues that sat on her nightstand.

“Thank you Robin,” she sobbed as we sat. I shook my head slowly as I held her, “How many times have you been here for me when I just needed someone to hold me?” I replied.

“Yeah, but… I mean back there, I was just panicked, but you took charge and probably saved us both. I felt so helpless!”

I nodded, continuing to stroke her hair. I didn’t know what else to do or to say. Finally Carol came in and sat on the other side. She put her arms around Allison, who shifted, releasing me to put embrace her.

“Ally, I’m going to go call Margie okay?” I lied, but I didn’t want Allison worrying about me. Not like this. Carol gave me a comforting smile. She had begun to slowly rock Allison as I stepped out of the room. Joe was waiting at the bottom of the stairs. I began to wonder if he had ESP or something.

“How you holding up?” He offered in a gentle tone that I honestly didn’t know he was capable of. I shrugged a little.

“Trying not to think about it. Allison’s a mess. I don’t know if she’s going to want to go jogging again for awhile. I’m not sure I want to either.” I gave a stuttered sigh, letting on just how close I was to losing it again. Joe wrapped me in another fatherly hug. I couldn’t help myself, and just started sobbing into his chest.

“Shh, it’s okay,” he responded.

We stayed like that in mostly-silence for several minutes. I finally managed to get control of myself and looked up at him.

“If anything would’ve happened to her, I would never forgive myself,” I whispered.

He smiled as he stroked my hair, “She’s lucky to have a friend who cares so much for her well-being. I know I said it before, but you did the right thing running to get help.”

“Something just felt so wrong about the whole situation, especially the way he was leering at us! Oh God, what if I have to testify? I gave my statement as ‘Robin’. What if the creep’s attorney gets him off on a technicality because of me?”

“Robin, Robin! Slow down!” he responded, “First of all the police officer said they had several credible witnesses, and he’s facing breaking and entering charges in addition to attempted kidnapping, and depending on what they find in the vehicle, even if this does go to court, the chances of you girls being summoned to testify are pretty slim.”

I couldn’t tell if he really knew what he was talking about, or if he was just trying to make me feel better. I did feel a little better, but I still wished Mom was here. I smiled a little.

“Thanks. That does help a little,” I offered. He smiled, kissing the top of my head.

“You’re welcome, Robin. Anytime you need to talk about anything, you know you can come to Carol or me. Now I need to check on Allison. Are you sure you’re alright?”

“No, but I’m as alright as I’m going to be,” I offered softly. “I’m not going to do anything stupid or anything though.” I offered. He gave a soft nod, patting my shoulder gently as he passed to go upstairs.

I sat down on the bottom step with my chin against my bare knees, though I suddenly felt a gentle hand on my shoulder, and looked up to see Carol smiling down at me. She sat down and put her arms around me. She looked like she’d been crying.

“Thank you so much, Robin. You’re such a remarkable young lady.” I blushed intensely, shaking my head.

“Everybody keeps telling me that. I just did what I had to do to protect us both.”

“When Joe called your sister she was just about to leave New Haven. You’re welcome to stay here as long as you want. She also said to remind you to call Doctor Ketz if you needed to.”

I managed a small smile as I shook my head again, “I’m okay. I mean, I’m trying not to think about it too much. It’s funny though. You think about the weirdest things when you’re going through something like this.”

“Like what, dear?” she asked with concern.

I shrugged a little, “Like, it occurred to me that if this happened a week ago, I would’ve said something totally stupid and out of place like ‘If I wasn’t trying to be a girl this would’ve never happened’. I mean, people mistook me for a girl even before, so it’s not like it would’ve changed anything.”

“Kelly went through the same thing during her transition,” she advised with a reminiscing chuckle as she gave me a light squeeze. “It wasn’t all rose petals. Every time she’d get in an argument with a girl at school over something, she’d whine about how it would’ve never happened to Kevin.

“And then I’d remind her that Kevin was expelled for fighting. I hated bringing up the past with her, but it was the only way to make her realize how far she’d come, and how much happier she was.”

“That’s what I’ve come to realize. Everything’s happened so fast, and yet, part of that’s because I’ve had such supportive people around me, willing to accept me for who I am and not who I was pretending to be before. Being a girl is scary, but it’s worth it to be who I was meant to be.”

Allison interrupted us, offering quietly, “Brave, intelligent, pretty, and a blast to be with.”

I looked up to see her coming down the stairs, with Joe not far behind. She hugged her mom then pulled me up so she could hug me, kissing my cheek a moment later. “Don’t take this the wrong way or anything, but I love you to death. Don’t ever change.”

I blushed as I hugged her back, “I do need to change, though. We both smell like a gym sock.” She giggled a little. I added a moment later, “I’m glad you’re feeling better.”

“Yeah, I’m… I’m not okay, but I’m getting there. Still freaked the crap out, but a little better.”

I nodded, “I think hiking will be better for us tomorrow. Doctor Ketz rescheduled my appointment for the afternoon anyway, so I have all morning,” I paused, glancing at Carol, “Um, Carol? Could you come over for a few minutes while I get a quick shower?” I was still badly shaken by the experience, and didn’t want to be alone yet.

She smiled, “You can shower here if you want, sweetheart, but I’ll be happy to go with you in either case. Allison, you should get yourself a shower as well. I think you’ll both feel better.”

Allison nodded and turned to make her way upstairs, while Carol and I walked across the lawn to Margie’s house. Thankfully she followed me upstairs while I picked out something to wear. She even waited patiently as I sorted through several outfits.

“I need more jeans,” I whined, as I laid out a pair of faded blue jeans and a modest green knit top. Somehow, everything else just left me feeling far too exposed.

“Margie says they just opened a new mall in town about a month ago, so I might see if any stores there need a new sales girl part-time.”

Now I was just trying to change the subject, make conversation, or just think about ANYTHING but what had transpired earlier.

“That’s a wonderful idea, dear. I wish Allison would look into something like that. She refused to tell me why she didn’t want to go to camp this year, though.”

She seemed to be deferring to me, hoping I might be able to answer, as I pulled a fresh set of undergarments from my dresser, placing everything, along with a pair of one inch heeled sandals into my old backpack.

“She said her friend Jennifer was going to be a junior counselor this year. Do they come home on weekends or stay gone the whole time?” I changed the subject.

I felt bad that Allison had skipped camp for me this year, but more so I didn’t want to betray her trust, if she hadn’t told her mother yet.

“Resident camps last two weeks, generally, with an off weekend for counselors to attend to personal matters. You know, Robin, I recall reading in the brochure that the camps don’t discriminate based on age, race, sex, or sexual orientation, among other things.”

I blinked, “… What? It’s a Girl Scout camp. How can they not discriminate based on sex?”

She chuckled faintly, “Well, technically, but everyone, including you, knows you’re a girl. Your therapist could vouch for you, and special arrangements could be made.

“I’m not trying to push you into anything, dear. I just thought you might want to think about it. Allison skipped out this year, but she might be more willing to go next year if you and Nicole signed up.”

What did I just get myself into? I was just trying to change the subject! It wasn’t an altogether unappealing idea, though.

“I’ll… give it some thought,” I finally offered quietly, as we walked back downstairs. Margie was going to love this. It at least was still an entire year away, by the way she talked. They probably had some sort of cut-off date.

Strangely, part of me wished I hadn’t missed it. I was no wilderness girl, but the thought of making new friends and bonding with other girls our age sounded almost whimsical, or perhaps I just wanted to be somewhere - anywhere else. Anywhere safe.
 

 
I didn’t leave Carol or Joe’s sight the day of the incident with the raggedy man. It had unnerved me to my core, but I was admittedly more scared for Allison. I should have been more terrified for myself, but I’d never had a friend like her before.

She knew the truth right from the start, but played along to keep from making me feel worse. When the creep wouldn’t take no for an answer, I did the only thing I could think of. I grabbed her hand, and I ran like hell.

I must have been forty-five minutes in that shower, trying to scrub away those horrible memories. I’d used Allison and Kelly’s shared bathroom, insisting she use her parents’ master bath. When I finally emerged, I still felt dirty. I felt violated. Even though nothing technically happened, the mere fact that if we hadn’t run away something could have was just too overwhelming.

After dressing I walked down the hall, pausing at Allison’s room. She was lying back on the bed, chatting on the phone as though nothing had happened. I walked in and gave her hand a squeeze, but when I turned to leave again, she gripped it tightly and refused to let me go. She smiled up at me, offering me the phone.

“Jennifer wants to talk to you.”

“Um… Hi?” I said, unsure exactly what to expect. I knew nothing about Jennifer other than that she and Allison had been best friends since pre-K. I shouldn’t have been terribly surprised that she sounded like a more upbeat version of Allison.

“Hi Robin!” she exclaimed cheerily. Apparently Allison hadn’t mentioned the morning’s events to her, “Ally was just catching me up on what I’ve been missing. Is it true you and Nikki are dating?”

I blushed. ‘What did Ally tell her exactly?’ I wondered, as I replied, “Well, we went out last night, but neither of us is ready for anything serious yet. That jerk she was dating just broke up with her voice mail last week.”

“Ohmygawd, are you serious? I knew he was a prick, but that’s low even for him! Ugh. It’s so sweet that you talked her into going to that music thing though! Anyway, I’ll be home next weekend if you want to hang out, just me and Ally and Nikki and you, y’know?

“It used to just be the three of us, but anyone who can pull Nikki out of that funk she’s been in for like, ever is okay by me!” she paused, muttering, “Aw, crap. The dragon’s coming! Listen, I’ve gotta run. Give Ally a hug for me okay? Aloha!”

She hung up before I could reply. I chuckled as I turned the phone off and bent down to hug Allison. She smiled.

“That was nice. What was it for?”

“She told me to give you a hug for her. She said something about a dragon, ‘Aloha’, then hung up.”

“Heehee. That’d be the camp director. The woman’s older than dirt. She makes awesome smores though,” she commented, as I sat down on the floor with my back to her bed. I dragged my knees to my chest and rested my chin against them. I suddenly felt Allison’s hand on my shoulder and looked up to see her smiling down at me.

“You okay?” She said softly. I shook my head.

“Far from it. Normally my shower time is a chance for me to reflect on things, but I couldn’t stop thinking about…” I stopped short. She nodded in response as she brushed a few strands of moist hair from my face.

“I know; me too,” she added.

I lightly nuzzled her hand, deciding to change the subject for both our sakes, “Hey, have you heard from Nikki yet?”

“Not yet. Oh, hey. Duh, I forgot to check my messages.” She reached over to her nightstand and picked up a fashionably pink text-phone, punching something in and frowning as she read. “Uh oh.”

“What?” I glanced up expectantly.

“No spoilers.” She responded simply, putting her phone away, “Just know that everything’s cool with Nikki’s parents. She’s grounded for reasons that, I swear to you on my subscription to Seventeen have nothing to do with you, though. You uh… kinda made an impact on her parents.”

I could feel my cheeks burning. I knew I was blushing AGAIN; Allison and Nicole seemed to have that effect on me, of course, causing her to giggle. I couldn’t help myself, and started to giggle too. It was better to laugh than to cry, I figured.

The rest of the morning passed in much the same way, with me occasionally trying to worm Nicole’s secrets out of Allison, to no avail. Margie called ahead to let me know she was almost home, but wouldn’t explain where she’d been over the phone. Apparently it was worthy of a serious face-to-face discussion, so I didn’t press the matter.

When she came to collect me though, it was all I could do not to break down. It was just such an emotional relief to see her again. I could say that I hugged her for a full minute, but the truth is, even if I hadn’t, she would’ve.

We both thanked Carol and Joe for letting me stay, and as we walked back to her house, she asked if I wanted to talk about it. I just shook my head, as we stepped inside.

“I’m trying not to think about it too much,” I objected as gently as I could. I knew Joe had probably told her everything already; there was nothing more I could add. To my surprise, she simply nodded.

She walked into the living room and sat on the sofa; I joined her a moment later, waiting until I was comfortably buried in her side before asking where she’d gone.

“I had to see my lawyer about some things,” she stated ambiguously.

“About me?” I asked hesitantly. She slowly nodded.

“Robin, I don’t know what’s going to happen with Linda, but I do know that with what you’re going through right now, if the worst should happen, I need to be prepared. I stopped by Doctor Ketz’ office to get a formal letter stating that, for now, you’re to live full-time as a girl under her supervision.

“I’ve got the ball rolling on the necessary paperwork to become your legal guardian,” I was initially excited to hear about the letter, but the legal guardian comment left me a little bewildered. Margie could tell I wasn’t sure what to make of it.

“What that means is that while your mom is incapacitated, I’ll be in charge of taking care of you. It would also give me power of attorney over your finances, but I won’t touch any of that of course.”

“So, basically nothing changes?” I smiled a little as she nodded.

“Exactly,” she began, “Well, actually it’s more than that. It means that if something does happen that I’ll already have assumed guardianship as your closest blood relative. That’s why the hearing on Monday, and why I had to get that letter. It’s for my attorney’s records. We’re basically trying to make this as smooth as possible for you.”

I leaned up to kiss her cheek, then nuzzled into her shoulder, “I really appreciate everything you’re doing for me.”

“Hey, you’re the best kind of family: the kind that I actually want to spend as much time with as possible.” She ruffled my hair playfully, reminding me that I hadn’t done anything with it yet for letting it air dry.

“Do I have to be at the hearing?” I was by now quite comfortable living in-role as Robin, to the point that other than going to the bathroom, I found myself actually forgetting Robert ever existed pretty often. The thought of being called ‘Robert’ in a public place again made me want to cringe, at the very least.

“Not initially. That’s why I’ve gone to the trouble of arranging everything in advance like this. I didn’t want it to disrupt your life if it can be avoided. Doctor Ketz may be called to speak on your behalf, and you can attend if you want, but I’ve been assured that since we’re doing everything by the book, that the proceedings should be just a formality.”

“That’s a relief. Hey, sis? I’m gonna go upstairs and write in my diary a little while,” I spoke with all the confidence I was feeling at that moment, which is to say not a lot. I think she understood though. In the time I’d been staying here, every time something big or small happened, I was writing in that little book.

She nodded, “Okay. I’ll be here if you need to talk,” she added as I stood. I looked back at her with confusion.

“Don’t you have to go back to work?”

She gave me a supportive smile as she stood, “One of the benefits of being self-employed is being your own boss. My girls know I had an appointment this morning so they have things well in-hand. We’re expecting a shipment tomorrow morning so I’ll be there to arrange displays anyway,” she paused, bringing her hand up to cup my face. I couldn’t help but smile.

“Besides, your well-being is more important. You had a pretty traumatic experience this morning. I’m sure Carol and Joe talked to you about it, but a five minute lecture isn’t going to make things all better. I’m here if you need me.”

I hugged her tightly as I nodded, “Like I said, I’m trying not to think about it. I know I’ll have to face it eventually, but right now I just want to forget it even happened.”

She gave me an understanding nod, but I could see the concern in her expression. She kissed my forehead, holding me close to her for a moment before letting me go up to my room.

I lay across my bed on my stomach and cuddled the little teddy bear Allison gave me at the hospital, one sandal barely hanging on by the toes as I stared at the blank diary page. ‘Do I really want to write this down?’ I thought.

I began flipping back through past entries, before the ones where I started signing my name as ‘Robin’ with a heart-dotted-i. It was kind of jarring, seeing just how dark my past entries had been. ‘Was I really that lonely?’ I heaved a sigh, returning to the blank page, and began writing.

I didn’t hear from Nicole or Allison at all the rest of the day. Allison I figured was having mother-daughter time with Carol, but Nicole, I wasn’t so sure about.

At least she had texted Allison to let her know everything was okay, but what did she mean about me making an impression on her adopted parents?

Margie made us a simple lunch of mac-and-cheese, and offered to take me shopping, but my heart just wasn’t in it, so we spent the afternoon watching movies in silence together.

The next morning, I’d planned to go hiking with Allison (and hopefully Nicole), so rather than my usual workout gear I decided to keep it simple and threw on a pale yellow top. I pulled on a pair of Robert’s old jeans next.

I’d grown so accustomed to wearing girls’ jeans that they actually felt kind of awkward, and I’d swear they didn’t fit right. Then, most of Robert’s clothes didn’t fit me right. They always seemed a size too large where Robin’s things clung to my body more comfortably.

I grabbed a simple brown leather belt, not for the sake of fashion but to keep my stupid jeans from falling down, and paired everything with a pale blue tank top. I didn’t have any hiking boots, and I wasn’t about to sacrifice my good shoes, so I threw on the ratty old sneakers I’d worn to the hospital the night of Mom’s accident.

As I stood playing with my hair in the full length mirror that hung from the closet door, I frowned. I was becoming increasingly aware these past couple of days, that I really hadn’t taken pride in my appearance as Robert.

To offset the utterly tomboyish lower half I decided to throw on a dash of glossy pink lipstick. I knew we were going to be out in the woods, but I just couldn’t leave the house looking so frumpy!

I grabbed my things including my cell phone and wallet, throwing them into my fanny pack and heading downstairs. To my delight, Nicole was waiting with Allison out in the driveway this morning.

It was pretty anticlimactic compared to our date, though. Nicole was wearing faded jeans and brand new hiking boots with a white top under a loose flannel shirt, with Allison dressed similarly, minus the flannel, though she was carrying a rugged, well-worn knapsack. I began to realize just how serious she took these day trips.

“No butch jokes,” Nicole sneered playfully as I walked up to her. I laughed as we embraced.

“Are you kidding? These are boys’ jeans and shoes I’m wearing. I’ve got no room to talk. I didn’t have any hiking boots, and there’s no way I’m going to risk ruining anything I’d actually want to be seen in public wearing.”

Both Allison and Nicole laughed. After Allison and I exchanged hugs, she began her Wilderness Girl lecture, “Okay you two, here’s what you need to know. One, if I tell you to stay away from a bush, for God’s sake stay away, otherwise you’ll be itching for a week.

“Two, no eating mushrooms! A girl at camp last year almost died because she ate a poisoned mushroom.

“Three, Robin, put this on your ankles and exposed skin,” she handed me a bottle of insect repellant lotion, which I rubbed over my arms, neck, back, face, and then applied to my ankles and lower legs. I handed it back to her and she dropped it in her backpack.

“So, Nikki, what happened yesterday?” I turned my attention to her. It’s not that I wasn’t paying attention to, or intending to heed, Allison’s warnings, but I’d wanted to ask since Allison received her text message.

“Oh, um… Yeah, it’s a long story,” she replied sheepishly as we set out, crossing Allison’s backyard and out her back gate to begin our trek toward the forest. As we walked, Nicole explained how while doing laundry, her mother had found a couple of marijuana joints in a pants pocket from a pair of jeans that had somehow escaped being washed since before the breakup.

“Mom thought it might be yours Robin,” she offered in a sober tone, “I basically screamed at her never to talk about you like that.

“Dad came in and demanded to know what all the yelling was about, and that’s when I told him the truth. I told howJason had scored it for me to try, but I was too chicken.

“When he broke up with me, I was planning on getting wasted that night, but you’d invited me to that slumber party instead. I made up my mind that night that I was going to throw them away, but since I left from Ally’s right for camp, I didn’t get a chance. So uh… basically my parents think you’re awesome for keeping me off drugs.” She smiled sheepishly.

“So why didn’t you call and let me know you were okay sooner?” I asked. I put an arm around her a moment later, “I’m proud of you for changing your mind by the way.”

She turned a few shades of red as she smiled back, “I was grounded, remember? Still am actually, but when I asked Mom if I could go hiking with you and Ally, she decided it’d be good for me.”

Allison giggled to herself as she stopped just at the forest’s edge, glancing this way, then that. “Okay, Robin. Does any of this look familiar?”

I shook my head. “Should it?”

“I guess not. You were flat on your back when you were here last. This is where they brought you out to the ambulance. Now, are you ready for this?”

Nicole and I stared at each other a moment. It was clear she was as lost as I, so I just nodded. Allison walked about twenty yards with us in tow. It was difficult to see at first, but as we drew closer, there was a definite trail beaten down between the trees. She grinned.

“You were close to my favorite nature trail. I think it’s an old game trail. National Park Service has it marked for day-hikes like this. Oh by the way, I brought extra water if either of you get thirsty, plus something special for brunch.

“Cinderella has to be back by noon or she’ll turn into a pumpkin,” she nodded toward me. I blushed as Nicole cracked up laughing, echoing ‘Pumpkin’, “But we’ll have plenty of time.”

Allison led us deeper into the forest, pointing out the different flora as we went. At one point we stopped to watch a belligerent chipmunk chattering away and chasing another out of his tree.

“See, even in nature men are jerks,” Nicole joked, causing us both to laugh.

Allison revealed that they were so easily able to find me the night I got lost because I’d stumbled on a tree root literally a stone’s throw from the main trail. If I hadn’t fallen I would’ve probably found the marked trail easily.

Eventually we came to a small stream. Large and small rocks rubbed smooth seemed to suggest that it was once a much larger river, though Allison admitted she didn’t know the history too well.

She led us closer, examining the immediate area. This part of the stream had about a four inch drop due to the way the river rocks sat, creating a calming ‘babbling brook’ effect.

After Allison declared the large, flat boulder a snake-free zone (much to our relief) she sat cross-legged on the rock and invited us to join her, passing out peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on wheat, along with unopened water bottles.

“I love it here,” she said quietly. As though on cue, a mockingbird perched in a nearby tree and began to sing.

I felt Nicole squeeze my hand as she replied, “Thanks for bringing us out here, Ally. I never was all that into nature, but I have to admit this is really awesome.”

I nodded my agreement, washing down my bite of sandwich, “Yeah, this is amazing. I just feel so at peace here.”

Allison grinned that devious, calculating grin of hers, “Y’know, I was talking to Jennifer, and they had a lot less interest in the CIT program than they expected this year. I mean, way less than I originally thought, as in Jen was the only one. They’re worried they won’t have enough second year counselor trainees next year.”

“Now wait a minute,” Nicole interrupted, “I haven’t been in the scouts since I was five. My parents,” she hesitated, lowering her gaze.

I scooted closer and put an arm around her, “It’s okay Nikki. You don’t have to talk about the past.”

She smiled softly at me as she put her head on my shoulder, “My BIRTH parents,” she emphasized with disgust, “pulled me out after a year, after our den mother caught them trying to skim cookie sale money.”

Allison and I frowned in unison, “That’s just low. I’m so sorry Nikki,” Allison added, then smiled, “But this could be a chance for you to stick it to them for pulling that crap. Rise above and be all the girl you can be.”

“Okay, okay, I’ll go if you’ll just turn off the patriotism!” Her sarcasm was as biting as ever, but the smile showed she didn’t mean it. They both turned their gazes on me. I looked between the two of them slowly.

“… What?”

They giggled. Nicole started giving me the puppy eyes, “It’ll be so much more fun with someone else there who’s as lost as mee-eee,” she pleaded in a sing-song tone that melted my heart. I reluctantly sighed, “Okay, but ONLY if the camp is okay with it.”

Allison beamed, “They are. Unlike the Boy Scouts we don’t discriminate. Counselors don’t encourage anything either, and if it got out that a counselor admitted to being openly lesbian or something they might take action, but largely because they want girls to feel as safe as possible.”

I admit, it kind of made me feel warm inside that Allison thought I meant the part about Nicole and I both liking girls, and not the other reason.

“But I know you two. I know you’d never do anything to hurt another girl or make her feel uneasy … Actually,” she bit her lip, “Actually just the opposite for you Robin. Nikki, did you hear about that guy they arrested in our area?”

“Yeah, it was all over the news last night. Apparently he tried to pick up two teenagers who were out jogging, then busted into some Iraq veteran’s…” she trailed off as realization began to dawn on her. Her jaw fell right open,

“Oh my God! You were the two girls?! Why didn’t you say anything?! Are you okay?! I mean he didn’t hurt you did he?” She gushed a mile a minute. I spoke up first.

“I’m definitely not okay, but I have an appointment to see my therapist this afternoon so I’m going to talk about it there. I’m more worried about Ally,” I offered softly.

Nicole let go of my hand, moving to Allison’s side and hugging her close. Allison sat silently, leaning her head into Nicole’s shoulder.

“I’m alright,” she offered softly, “thanks to Robin. She had the idea to turn off on a side-street to see if he was really following us, then when he tried to get us to get in his van she grabbed my hand and ran like you wouldn’t believe for the nearest house.”

When she finished, she turned around on the boulder, facing the stream. She sat staring into the water as Nicole turned to join her, with me standing and walking across to join them on the other side a moment later.

“Hey, Ally? Don’t the scouts have a cut-off date for sign-ups every summer?” I asked, trying to steer the conversation to something less upsetting for her. She nodded.

“Normally yeah, but like I said, they had a lot less interest in the CIT program this year. I told Jen I might know two girls plus me that would be interested if she could convince the Dragon to fudge some paperwork.” She managed a weak smile as she turned to set her gaze on me.

“You should totally bring this up with your therapist though. I really want you to go. Camp is a life-changing experience for a girl, but I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable either.”

Nicole added a moment later, “If you decide to go Robin, Ally, you, me, and Jennifer can probably all share a cabin too.”

“Like I said, if the camp’s okay with the fact that I’m only a girl on the inside, then I’ll go. But I don’t want to be the reason some other girl never goes again either.”

Allison hugged me, “You’re so sweet,” she said, and proceeded to slide off her rock, carefully packing up our empty sandwich bags. “We’d better start heading back,” there was a sorrowful tone in her voice.

“What’s wrong Ally?” I asked, as I picked up my water bottle.

She breathed a whimsical sigh. “It’s just I can’t remember the last time I had this much fun walking this trail. I hate to see it come to an end already.”

Nicole giggled as she hugged her, “Oh psh. It’s not like we can’t do this again sometime, once we get Pumpkin here fitted for some proper hiking boots.”

They both laughed as I rolled my eyes, “Okay, I’ll see if I can get Margie to take me shopping after my appointment: any recommendations?” Asking girls for advice on shoes was a dangerous question.

We spent the better part of our hike back discussing the different materials, fits, and styles of hiking boot, and even then I still had a lot to consider for ensuring I had a good, comfortable fit. I wished I could drag them along to help me decide.

I parted ways with Allison and Nicole at our driveway. Despite the romantic evening we’d shared the night before, it was relatively easy to stay in ‘comfortably close friends’ zone with Nicole.

I did kiss her cheek when I hugged her goodbye though, which left her (as well as Allison) a little giggly.

After heading back inside, I found I had just enough time for a quick shower. I still hadn’t planned what I was going to wear, so it actually was just a quick wash-down towel-off.

The advantage to this was I didn’t have time to think about anything. I heard the front door open just as I rushed back to my bedroom in nothing but my undergarments.

“Robin?” Margie called. I could hear her on the stairs as I shouted back.

“Just a second!”

“Well hurry up. We need to be on the road in fifteen minutes! Oh, Denise asked if it’s okay for her to frame a copy of the picture of you, Allison and Nicole to hang on the wall at her salon.”

I was standing at the back of my closet, laser-focused on deciding between a hot pink or deep red spaghetti-strap top.

I decided both showed far more skin than I was comfortable with in public after yesterday’s incident, so I compromised, taking a short-sleeved powder pink top and layering it under the red one to create a cute, casual look.

I threw on a pair of dark jeans, relieved to be back in my more comfortably-fitting girls’ jeans again and grabbed the sandals I wore the day before.

“Margie?” I called. She stepped right around the corner, apparently having been waiting for me.

“Yes Robin?” She chimed, adding, “Ooh, cute top. If I was shorter I’d have to ask to borrow it some time.”

I giggled a little as I sat at my makeup table. “Could you do my hair for me? I still need to do my makeup.”

“Sure thing sweetie,” she responded more cheerily, “I can’t begin to tell you how much I love having a little sister to spoil like this. I wish I’d known you felt this way when you were younger, but,” she paused, causing me to angle my compact mirror up toward her.

“But what?”

“It’s nothing,” she finally exhaled. I started to press the subject, but decided better of it.

Ten minutes of primping time later, I grabbed a red satin scrunchie and slipped it around my writ in case I needed it for later, picking up my purse on the way out the door.

“So, do you know what you want to talk to Doctor Ketz about today?” She asked, as if she didn’t know.

“Yeah, I have a lot on my mind right now actually. Not just ‘the incident’, but also hormones and,” I paused. Margie glanced at me with concern, “What is it, Robin? You know you can tell me.”

I blushed, “Allison says they didn’t have as many girls interested in CIT this year — counselor in training program. She um… She wants me and Nikki to join the Girl Scouts with her.”

Margie stared thoughtfully at the road. I thought she’d object by just how long it took her to respond. “How do you feel about it?” she asked.

I rolled my shoulders, “I want to do it. I’d LOVE to do it, actually. Hiking with her and Nikki today was so incredibly fun. But I’m scared of what would happen if someone found out I used to be a boy.”

There were those words again, ‘used to be’. I tried to think back to exactly when it was that I stopped thinking of myself as a boy in a dress, but my thoughts were interrupted.

“What about that scares you, specifically?”

“It’s not that I’m afraid someone will hurt me there. The worst I’d get is sent home, I figure. The thing is, I don’t want to ruin some other girl’s experience.”

She smiled softly at that and reached over to squeeze my hand, “I think the fact that you even care, let alone so much that you’d be willing to not go, says a lot. Talk to Doctor Ketz about it and see what she says. This could be really good for you.”

I nodded, moving it on my mental list up from ‘might bring up’ to ‘second thing to talk about’. Meanwhile there was one other important matter, “Hey, um, Margie? Is that offer for shopping still good?”

She gave me a skeptical glance, causing me to giggle as I held my hands up disarmingly, “I just need some hiking boots. Even if I don’t go to camp, Ally, Nikki and I are definitely going hiking again.

“I got a bunch of pointers on what to look for and where so it’s just a matter of finding something comfortable from there.”

“Sounds good. I wish I could’ve gone with you this morning. I haven’t been hiking since Kelly and I went backpacking across Europe a few years ago for our summer break.”

We spent the rest of the drive to New Haven discussing Margie’s European vacation. More than anything I think I just needed to talk about something upbeat to lift my own spirits.

There was a famous movie from the nineties that coined the phrase, ‘Life’s like a box of chocolates; you never know what you’re going to get.’

My life, however, felt more like an amusement park roller coaster, with ups, downs, twists, and turns. I only hoped the guy who built the ride followed the proper safety standards.

Becoming Robin By Zoe Taylor The Spirit of Giving -/- Dial 'H' For...   “What do you think about the idea?” “I’m torn,” I offered. “I want to go. I REALLY want to go. I’ve always wanted to go to a summer camp, but as Robert I always figured it would just… as bad an experience as high school’s been, but the idea of going as Robin, making new friends and just being myself sounds amazing.” “But?” “But… I’m only a girl on the inside,” I replied softly.

---

 
“Good afternoon Robin,” Doctor Ketz greeted me warmly as I stepped out of Margie’s black Chevy Cavalier. I immediately closed the ten or so yards of parking lot between us and threw my arms around her.

“Hi Doctor Ketz!” I exclaimed happily. I certainly wasn’t feeling all that happy, but it was so good to see her again after yesterday. I even dressed more conservatively than normal, a fact Doctor Ketz commented on in a roundabout way as we entered the building together.

“I like your outfit,” she commented, “I’ll just need a moment once we get upstairs to take care of some things, then we can get started,” she paused as we stepped onto the elevator.

The mother and child who saw Doctor Rosen chase me into the waiting room the other day were just stepping off. I couldn’t help but offer a wry smile as the woman nodded toward me, eyeing Doctor Ketz. I smiled back at her, and gave the boy a small wave. She smiled at that, and continued on her way as the doors closed.

“You can come on in and wait in my office if you want, dear,” Doctor Ketz broke the silence as we arrived at our designated floor.

I nodded, following her through the waiting area to her now familiar office with Margie in tow, taking my usual seat on the comfy sofa while the good doctor took care of whatever she needed to elsewhere.

“She’s going to be so upset that I didn’t call,” I mumbled as Margie sat down beside me.

“A little, but it’s only because she cares about you,” Margie responded, giving me a reassuring hug. I leaned over and rested my head on her shoulder, closing my eyes.

“Robin, what’s wrong?” I heard Doctor Ketz’ gentle voice in front of me, and slowly opened my eyes.

“It’s kind of hard to talk about. Something happened yesterday.” My quivering tone gave me away far more easily than I wanted. I spent the entire rest of the day yesterday and this morning trying not to think about it.

For the first time since I’ve known her, she genuinely frowned at that, but waited for me to continue.

“Yesterday morning, I went jogging with Ally like usual. We were maybe a half-mile from home when Ally noticed we were being followed by a red minivan.”

Realization washed over her face, and for a moment, I thought she seemed a shade more pale. “Please, continue,” she offered. She set her pencil and notepad aside completely.

“Well, I told her we should turn off on the next side-street to see, and sure enough, the van turned then sped up to drive alongside us. This really creepy guy with messy hair and rough facial hair, like he hadn’t showered or shaved in a few days, rolled the window down and tried to offer us a ride.

“Ally told him no, but he insisted and lurched at us. I screamed ‘She said no!’ at him and we ran for the nearest house.” I was pretty sure I had confused events, but everything happened so fast.

I had begun sobbing at this point as I relived those terrible events. Doctor Ketz quickly grabbed the box of tissues resting on a conveniently placed table close by and offered them to me.

“It’s okay, Robin. You don’t have to say anymore about it if you don’t want. I saw the news reports last night, but I had no idea you were one of the two teenagers the report mentioned. Sweetheart, why didn’t you call when this happened?”

“I was in shock, I guess.” I sobbed quietly as Margie squeezed me close. “I just felt so… so violated. I wanted to call you, but I didn’t want to have to talk about it over the phone.

“I was more scared for Allison though. I mean it was like she couldn’t move fast enough, then when we got to safety at Mr. Harris’ house we both totally lost it. I’ve never been so scared in my life,” I rambled.

She nodded slowly, “That’s completely understandable. It’s interesting that you were more scared for her than for yourself though, if you don’t mind my saying.”

“It’s just… Ally’s a real girl. I know this is going to sound wrong, and I don’t mean it like that, but I figured the worst he could do to me is kill me, but the things he could have done to her while letting her live…” I buried my face in my hands.

“The worst though, the absolute worst, is that I just feel so completely unsafe now. I feel like everyone I see is going to suddenly leap out at me.”

She nodded slowly, “I noticed you dressed more conservatively today, much like when we first met, but more than that you seemed incredibly uneasy when you weren’t right by your sister’s or my side.”

“Yeah, I guess I don’t want to tempt fate,” I half-whined, half-mumbled, by now managing to get my emotions under some semblance of forced control again.

“Robin, this is a traumatic experience for anyone. There are no gender lines when it comes to assault. It’s important to remember that not everyone is out to get you though. The man you identified as Mr. Harris, for example; tell me about him?”

I smiled a little, “He and his wife were so great. He literally took charge of the situation. He ordered us into the living room to call for help while he waited to see if the raggedy guy would press his luck.

“I… I was a little scared when he came back in the room with a gun. His wife mentioned that he had just finished a tour in Iraq though, and somehow that made me feel just a little bit better,” I admitted.

“You trusted him more knowing he was a soldier?”

“Yeah. I mean, having Beth there too kind of made it easier, but in that situation it felt easier for me to trust him as someone who’s used to laying his life on the line for someone else.”

She nodded as she listened. “That’s an important distinction to make. Not everyone in a position of authority can be trusted of course, but the vast majority are people who do these jobs because they want to protect others. Do you think you’ll see him again?”

I bit my lip. “Part of me wants to. I mean, part of me really wants to thank them both for keeping us safe, but I don’t know how I’ll react to seeing him again either, being tied to that whole event like that.

“I guess Allison and I should stop by the next time we go jogging though. Neither of us really feels comfortable with that idea yet so it’ll probably be a few days, though.” I trailed off.

“It would certainly be a nice gesture, I think, and it would be a step in the right direction for both you and Allison to start the healing process. There are other ways you can cope with this as well.

“For example, traveling in a group. There is safety in numbers. I know you probably don't think so right now, but even with just the two of you, you've proven that you're safer together than you or Allison would have been by yourselves.”

I had to pause at that comment. I smiled a little, “Nikki, and maybe Jennifer too: I haven’t actually met Jennifer yet, but I talked to her on the phone briefly and she seems really nice.”

Doctor Ketz smiled, “Another way that you can cope with this incident is through writing. Do you keep a journal?”

I nodded, “I’ve been keeping a diary for a long time now. I was … afraid to write about this, until I started reading my old entries, from when I was still pretending to be Robert. It was some scary stuff. In some ways as scary as what I just went through.”

Doctor Ketz’ eyebrows slowly rose at that last comment. I offered a wry smile.

“Sorry, it’s just that’s how I feel. Maybe it’s just because I’ve been allowed to explore my feelings so deeply, but it’s like the first fifteen years of my life were an act I put on for the benefit of everyone else. That’s actually something I wanted to bring up with you, if that’s alright?”

She nodded, “I was going to suggest you start keeping a diary so you don’t just bottle up your emotions, but it sounds like you and I are on the same wavelength there. Please, do continue.”

“Well, I’ve been thinking about this a lot. Nikki is like totally convinced I’m a girl. I mean, she even asked me out on a date night before last,” I giggled, blushing.

We'd briefly touched on Nicole's budding interest in girls, and the kiss, but I hadn't revealed how I felt about her to Doctor Ketz until now.

I grew silent though, as I pondered how best to verbalize precisely what I felt. “I’m scared, Doctor Ketz. I’m scared of my own body, of the idea that, any day now I’m going to wake up and find that puberty’s decided I’ve had it too easy for too long, and turn me into a six foot, three-hundred pound baritone,” I wanted to cry again. I hadn’t told anyone just how deeply that fear ran until now.

She nodded as Margie squeezed me gently. “That is an understandable fear given your circumstances, though I’m admittedly surprised that you’ve come so far, so fast.

“I’ll tell you what. I’ve told you that I treat cases of gender identity on a case-by-case basis. I’ll make you an appointment to see an endocrinologist, to get you started on a hormone-blocking regimen.

“This will stop you from experiencing puberty any further for now, but it will buy you some time so you can be absolutely sure this is what you want, without having that specter of fear hanging over you. I have a request in return, though.”

I brightened considerably as I exclaimed, “Anything!”

She smiled gently, “I’d like you to see another therapist in order to get a second opinion on your case.”

I stiffened. I trusted Doctor Ketzowski implicitly, but I hadn’t forgotten how Doctor Rosen had treated me, either. She did her best to cull my fears, though.

“Don’t worry, Robin. I have someone very specific in mind. He’s out of town for the weekend, but he will be back by Tuesday if you’d like to meet with him at our usual time.”

I nodded. “That sounds okay.”

“Excellent. Now, tell me, how was your date with Nicole?”

I giggled, a little surprised by that question. “Magical! Absolutely magical; I felt like a princess in a fairytale. Her parents were surprisingly calm about us dating too.

“I mean her mom seemed a little reluctant at first, but after we talked about how it came about, they decided they could trust us to behave ourselves and let us go to dinner alone.

“We ate at this French place and caught a movie after, then at the end of the night she gave me the most incredible goodnight kiss. Don’t get me wrong; neither of us really wants a serious relationship right now, and we’re comfortable with staying friends and just … you know, being really close friends, but we definitely are going to be going out again some time.”

“I’m very pleased to hear things are going well for you two and more so that her parents seem to be taking this well. You are a bright, caring young lady.

“I would be lying if I said I wasn’t concerned about the implications this could have for you both later, but we can cross that bridge when we come to it. The important thing is that you’re both being honest with yourselves and each other.”

I nodded, “Yeah, that’s something Nikki actually commented about at dinner. She told me that it was because she overheard me talking to Kelly about how her relationship with her mom changed post-transition, that she started thinking about her relationship with her parents.

“Well, her adopted parents,” I corrected myself. “She told me she was terrified of losing them and being forced into another foster home if they found out she liked girls, and it just tore her up inside. When she asked me out, she resolved to let them see for themselves how much happier she was being honest with herself.”

I paused briefly, “Oh, that reminds me!” It didn’t remind me, but I knew if I didn’t ask while I had the courage to do so, I never would.

“It’s just a silly idea Ally and her mom had,” I began, “Carol said that she looked at the Girl Scouts camp brochure, and that they don’t technically discriminate against anyone, and Allison says that Jennifer said that they’re worried about not having enough counselor-trainees this year for the second-year counseling program next summer.”

I paused long enough to take a breath. I was bubbling, “So they’d be willing to fudge paperwork to sneak a few extra girls in during the next resident camp session starting next week.”

Doctor Ketz sat patiently as I babbled. When I finished, she looked right at me. When she wanted to hear what I thought of something, she had what I can only describe as a poker face.

I couldn’t read any emotion one way or another in her face at times like this, which was probably her intention. She wanted to know my unbiased thoughts, and that’s exactly what she’d get.

“What do you think about the idea?”

“I’m torn,” I offered. “I want to go. I REALLY want to go. I’ve always wanted to go to a summer camp, but as Robert I always figured it would justas bad an experience as high school’s been, but the idea of going as Robin, making new friends and just being myself sounds amazing.”

“But?”

“But… I’m only a girl on the inside.” I said softly. I shifted my gaze to my sandals, wiggling my pink toenails. I’d need to strip off the varnish and re-paint those tonight. I was so preoccupied with my self-pity that I hadn’t noticed the subtle change in Doctor Ketz’ expression until I looked up again.

Even so, I couldn't describe it. The poker face cracked, and I think it was a positive change.

“What are your specific concerns?”

I turned to Margie, who gave me a reassuring hug, “Tell her what you told me on the drive up here, sweetheart.”

I shifted my gaze back to Doctor Ketz, and inhaled deeply, “I’m afraid if someone found out, that it might ruin some other girl’s experience.”

“How would that ruin someone else’s experience?” She was really good at making me think. I hated it, but at the same time, I loved it.

“Well… There was that big fiasco over the openly gay Boy Scout leader. Parents are rightfully protective of their kids.

“The idea of another girl not getting to come back to camp because they let a transgendered girl attend … I don’t think I could handle that.”

She nodded, leaning forward. She placed her hand gently on my knee, causing me to look up at her, “Robin, you can’t live your life in fear of what might or might not happen.

“If something were to happen, you have adults who are willing to speak up on your behalf. Your sister and I, Allison’s parents, and from what you’ve told me today, Mr. and Mrs. Morgan as well.

“I can’t tell you what you should do, but I can tell you that my granddaughter Meghan is attending again this year, and the first thing she does when she comes home is call to tell us how much fun she had.

“The staff are all professionals that are well-trained, and Counselor training would be an excellent leadership experience for any girl, but especially for someone like you.” I had to stare at her when she finished, wondering for a moment if I should ask what she meant by ‘someone like you’.

I finally rallied my courage, “Like me?” Granted, it came out more timidly than I intended.

She nodded, “Yes. You have a good heart and a good head on your shoulders. You’d make an excellent leader if you gave yourself the chance.

“You are an extraordinary young lady. Camp would also give you and Allison both some time to distance yourselves from yesterday’s incident.”

She raised a good point. I finally, slowly nodded. “Um… Doctor Ketz? How do I proceed with this? I can’t just say ‘Hey, I’m a girl who used to be a boy, and I want to sign up to be a counselor to young girls!’,” I offered wryly.

She chuckled professionally, “No, some discretion is required. Contact the camp staff and request a private meeting, then when you have a time and day, call me so I can be there.”

“But don’t you have other patients?” I asked, concerned.

She replied in a comforting tone, “Yes I do, and I would extend them the same courtesy. I had to reschedule several appointments this morning including yours, so I could assist another patient.

“I’m not at liberty to discuss the details, but understand that we will make it work, if this is what you want.” She smiled, continuing, “Now, is there anything else you’d like to discuss before I send you to see the endocrinologist?”

I shook my head as I stood, “No, that’s all I wanted to talk to you about,” I paused, glancing at the clock on the far wall, “Ohmygosh, I didn’t mean to keep you so long!” I offered apologetically.

She smiled as she rose, “Nonsense, dear. I told you before; I’m here for you, not the other way around.” I couldn’t help myself. I hugged her.

“Thank you so much, Doctor Ketz.”

“You’re welcome dear. Now, you have a date with another doctor, I believe.”

The afternoon passed far too quickly. I had to have some blood drawn at the endocrinologist’s office, which was an unpleasant experience in itself, but ultimately worth it.

The doctor couldn’t believe I’d only been living “in role” such a short time, for how naturally I presented.

I blame that squarely on friends like Allison and Nicole. Everyone was being so supportive of my desires, and for the first time in my life, I knew who I was. I knew I was lucky, though. I was a one in a million case, and I was thrilled that I could be so blessed.

The sun had already begun creeping toward the horizon by the time we got back home. I could hear strains of electric guitar from the Jones’ garage, so I decided to hang out with Allison for awhile, while Margie made the necessary calls regarding the camp situation.

I noted the Morgans’ Lexus in the driveway, figuring Mrs. Morgan must be here. The garage door was closed, so I went to the front door to knock. To my surprise, Mrs. Morgan answered.

“Well, hello there Robin!” she greeted me far more cheerfully than she had the first time we met. It made me a little uneasy, but I gave her my best respectful smile anyway.

“Hi Mrs. Morgan; how are you?”

“Oh, just lovely dear. Carol and I were just talking about you actually. Why don’t you come inside? I’m sure Nicole and Allison will be glad to see you’re back.”

“Thank you ma’am,” I replied, following her inside. A light draft wafted the sweet scent of her perfume under my nose. It was a pleasant, muted fragrance, and for some reason, I felt emboldened, “Um… If you don’t mind my asking, why were you talking about me?”

She smiled as she led me to the kitchen, “I’m sure Nicole’s told you what I found in the pocket of her jeans. She’s supposed to be grounded, but I decided to lift it for today since it sounded like you and Allison could use her company.”

She smiled back at me, as we walked into the kitchen where Carol was seated at the dining room table.

“I was just explaining to Carol how vehemently Nicole defended you and that you were the reason she chose to go to music camp instead of staying home and…”

She wrinkled her nose, as though just uttering those words, what Nicole had planned on doing, were the most distasteful curse one could ever speak.

I smiled meekly, “Hi Mrs. Jones.” Carol had instructed me to call her by her first name, but in front of Nicole’s mother, I didn’t want to seem rude.

I turned back to Mrs. Morgan, “It’s nothing really. I just thought she sounded like she needed her friends, and I certainly needed to unwind too.”

Carol interrupted, “You’re too modest dear. Even with everything going on in your life, you were more concerned for Nicole’s well-being than your own, and then Allison’s yesterday morning. Oh, that reminds me, how did your session go?”

“It went pretty great actually. I talked out a lot of my anxieties about what happened yesterday, and Doctor Ketz talked me into taking Jennifer up on her offer to go to camp with Ally and Nikki.” I smiled.

I was of course conveniently leaving out the part about starting puberty-blocking medications.

I didn’t know how much Mrs. Morgan knew, but it was bad enough I had gone on my first date as a girl with her daughter, even if she did think I was a good influence. I would eventually have to tell her, just not today, with everything else on my mind.

“Allison and Nicole are out in the garage. Why don’t you go let them know you’re back? Oh, and tell them dinner will be ready in ten minutes.”

I nodded, “Yes ma’am. It was nice seeing you again, Mrs. Morgan.” I offered warmly as I turned to head through the kitchen toward the door leading off into the garage.

I heard a quiet “I can’t believe Nicole’s changed so drastically since…” as I opened the door. I decided not to stay and eavesdrop. By now the music had stopped, so the door closing behind me easily caught the other girls’ attention.

Allison sat on an old bar stool with a gorgeous, high-polished cherry red electric guitar in her lap, with Nicole close by holding a much larger, sparkling-blue four string bass.

Both girls practically jumped off their stools as they saw me coming, setting their instruments in their respective guitar sands before rushing over to hug me. I put my arms around both, grinning like an idiot.

“You two are so incredibly talented!”

“Thanks!” They chimed in unison, looked at each other, and started laughing. Allison asked, “So how did it go?”

“Yeah, can you go to camp? And what about the hormone thing?”

I laughed as they overwhelmed me with questions, “Whoa, slow down. Therapy went really well. I talked a lot with Doctor Ketz about my anxiety over the incident yesterday, and yes, I might be going.

“There’s going to be a hearing on Monday to make Margie my legal guardian, and she’s calling to set up an appointment with the Girl Scout people to talk about my being allowed to go to camp.

“Doctor Ketz wants me to call and let her know so she can attend the meeting personally to speak on my behalf.”

“That’s awesome!” Allison squealed as she hugged me, “But what about the hormones?”

I reached into my purse, producing a prescription bottle and holding it up. “It’s not girl hormones,”

“Estrogen.” They corrected me in unison. They were good at that.

“Right, that. But it’ll block my body from developing further.”

Allison nodded, “It’s a start. Kelly went through the same thing. By the time she went back to school they had her started with hormone replacement though.

“They said it was kind of unorthodox, but that she was so absolutely sincere in her desires that they finally relented, for her own mental health,”

Nicole grinned, “Well, I don’t care what anyone says, you’re the prettiest, nicest, most honest girl I’ve ever met.” She paused, glancing at Allison, “Uh… No offense, Ally.”

Allison stuck her tongue out, laughing, “None taken.”

“So what were you working on before I came down?” I asked. “That is a nice guitar by the way. Well, guitars. They’re both pretty.” I knew absolutely nothing about guitars, so I had to limit my comment to their paint job.

Nicole answered first, “Ally was helping me tighten up my timing on a new bass riff I learned at rock camp.”

I stared blankly at her, “Yeah, I’m just going to nod and smile,” I teased.

She laughed as she lightly swatted my arm, “C’mere you.”

Nicole grabbed my hand and had me sit on the bar stool she was using before. She carefully set the bulky instrument in my lap and instructed me on how to sit, how to hold the guitar, and finally, where to put my fingers. I’d never been this close to a musical instrument, so this was all undiscovered country for me.

“Now, take your finger and pluck that string.” A low thud echoed from the nearby amplifier. She giggled, “More pressure. Good, now try again.” This time something more resembling a musical note followed.

“Now move your finger up to this fret. Perfect. Now, this fret. Okay, now I want you to start at the bottom, go up to each fret I showed you. Three up, three down, plucking the string once for each.”

As I received Nicole’s impromptu lesson, Allison had picked up her own guitar. Between the two of us I could hear the strains of a simple, but familiar blues sound coming from the amplifiers. I blinked at her. “Oh my God that is so cool!”

She just grinned, “Congratulations. You can now play bass for every country song ever written.” That crack sent Allison into a hysterical giggle fit.

“Hannah Montana, eat your heart out?” I jibed playfully, then added, as I handed the guitar back to Nicole, “Oh that reminds me, Ally your mom said dinner would be ready soon.”

“Yay!” she exclaimed. “Are you staying for dinner? It’s meatloaf night, and like I said the other day, Mom always makes way too much.”

“That sounds great. Sure she won’t mind?” I asked as I hopped down off the bar stool.

Nicole answered, “Of course not. She lets me stay doesn’t she?”

I decided to walk back over to let Margie know I’d be staying over at Allison’s for dinner. Mrs. Morgan and Nicole stayed as well, and dinner conversation inevitably turned to how the three of us managed to, despite not formally signing up, end up being able to go to camp this year after all. Apparently Mrs. Morgan had already had a word with the head counselor over the phone about Nicole’s interest.

After dinner, Mrs. Morgan announced that it was time for them to get back home, giving Nicole a wink. Nicole insisted she wait just a minute longer, while she ran out to their car to get something. I looked at Allison, who was, for once, just as bewildered as me.

A moment later Nicole came back inside, carrying two brightly wrapped presents, one yellow and one pink. Mrs. Morgan just smiled, nodding to Carol, who picked up a digital camera from a nearby shelf.

“Ally, you’ve been my best friend since I moved here. You didn’t have to be nice to or even talk to me. You’ve always been there when I needed someone to make me smile.” She handed Allison one of the packages, saying “Don’t open it yet.”

She then turned to me. “Robin, you’ve turned my life RIGHT upside-down and stopped me from doing something I would’ve regretted the rest of my life. And then you gave me the gift of the most wonderful date I’ve ever been on.

“I’ve never met anyone like you before, and I hope, when we’re both ready, that we can see if there’s something more between us, but for now…” She handed me the pink package. It was rectangular, vaguely DVD-shaped, actually, while Allison’s was more square-ish.

“Okay, NOW you can open them.” She grinned, stepping back. Carol snapped a few pictures as we tore into the paper.

Inside Allison’s was a new white purse, while mine contained the latest Disney Tinker Bell DVD. Something had been taped to the case, which I tilted in order to read.

“This certificate is good for fifty dollars at any participating JC Penney’s… Oh… My… God!” I squealed. Tears were running down my cheeks as Allison and I tag-team tackled Nicole, hugging her.

“Nikki you so did not have to do this!” Allison insisted. I echoed a moment later, “Totally. This is way, way too much!”

Nicole laughed, “Ally, you’ll find your gift certificate inside your new purse,”

She grinned, “Mom won them at a raffle, and I couldn’t think of anyone more deserving. It was her idea to package them with something more personal, too.”

I pretty much instinctively turned to hug Mrs. Morgan, which I think caught her by surprise. She smiled as she returned the hug though, with Allison joining a moment later.

“Thank you so much, both of you. I really don’t know what to say,” I was about to cry again.

“You’re both very welcome dear. To be honest, it was worth it just to hear Nicole calling me ‘Mom’ for the first time.” She smiled, this time catching me off guard with another hug. I blushed as Nicole kissed my cheek.

“What can I say? Robin’s worth behaving myself for. Plus I can still torture Ally. I still owe her for the green jell-o in my shoes,” she added mischievously.

Allison smiled innocently, "I didn't think Kelly would ever forgive you for putting honey in her shampoo," she giggled.

As the two left, I stared at my new DVD and gift certificate, slowly shaking my head. “Wow.” I said softly.

Allison giggled, “Yeah, no kidding. So! Wanna sleep over so we can watch your new DVD in style?”

I laughed, turning to Carol, “May I?”

Carol smiled softly as she nodded, “Of course, dear! Just make sure your sister knows.” I nodded and, after a quick hug in gratitude, stepped out to head over.

“Margie!” I bellowed as I stepped inside her house for the second time this evening, “You’re not going to believe this!”

Margie emerged from the living room with a puzzled look on her face. I held up the DVD, which still had wrapping paper partially attached near the bottom. “Nikki officially has the coolest mom ever.”

She chuckled as she stepped closer to inspect the certificate attached, “… Oh my God, Robin, what did you do to deserve that?” She laughed as I hugged her, and proceeded to explain what Mrs. Morgan and Nicole had said.

“So can I sleep over at Ally’s? Carol already said she doesn’t mind..?”

“Well, if Carol said it was okay, I don’t see why not. I don’t guess I even need to tell you to behave, do I?” She laughed.

“You’re such a darling little sister. Alright, go get your things together. Don’t forget your medicine. Follow the directions on the bottle precisely, and keep your phone with you.

“Oh that reminds me, you’ve got a meeting Tuesday with the head counselor so you’ll need to pick out something pretty to wear for that. I’ve already called Doctor Ketz to let her know for you.”

I smiled brightly, “I love you so much, sis. I swear you think of everything.” I hugged her again, standing up on my toes a bit to kiss her cheek, then bounding up the stairs to gather my pajamas, a fresh change of clothes, and other personal items.

I also picked up a previously unopened bottle of nail polish I’d been meaning to try, dropping it in my purse then hoisting my backpack-of-sleepover-goodies over my shoulder. Before long, Allison and I were relaxing in our pajamas in her den.

I had gone from friendless outcast to not only having two good friends, but the prospects of dating one of them in the future, with the bonus of her parents already liking me. I just wished Mom could see how happy I finally was. I felt terrible thinking that so much joy could come from such a tragic accident though.

Since it was just the two of us, Allison offered to let me use her bed, but I politely declined. I did ultimately end up sleeping on an incredibly comfortable pile of sleeping bags that night though, after much giggling over the movie, the shopping that was sure to come, and of course, the news of the coming meeting.

Allison sensed something was bothering me though because when we went to bed, she sat down on the floor beside me and squeezed my hand. “Robin, are you okay? You look like you’re about to cry.” She cooed. She had such a soothing, melodious voice when she was comforting someone.

I gave a little shrug and sighed, “It’s just… When I think about how happy I am now, and all because of Mom’s accident,” I said softly, sitting up on my sleeping bag pile. Allison put her arms around me, shaking her head as I buried myself in her embrace.

“Don’t think like that. Remember, Margie was going to let you come stay with her anyway. The only thing that changed is that you came here sooner than expected.” Her soft, comforting smile melted my heart every time. I nodded, hugging her tightly,

“You’re right. She’d want me to be happy. I can’t wait to show her how better things are now that I’m not hiding who I am anymore either. Thanks Ally.” I said warmly as I lay back down again. She pulled a blanket up over me and kissed my forehead.

“You’re welcome Robin. And thank you for being such a great friend.”

“Hey, Ally?” I spoke up after a few moments’ silence between us.

“Yeah?”

“I talked to Doctor Ketz about that guy, you know, Mr. Harris? I’ve been thinking … I’m a little scared of seeing him again. I mean, I don’t know how I’d react, but I overheard his wife talking to the dispatcher while he wrangled that creepy pervert. She said he was just home from Iraq last week.”

“You want to do something nice for him?” she perked up. “I do too, actually. I just didn’t know if I should say anything.”

“What do you buy a soldier in gratitude though?” I had no idea, but at least knew Joe used to be in the Marines, so that had to count for something for Allison’s knowledge on the subject.

“The same thing you buy any hero, I guess? Flowers would be nice, or something more personal like a little teddy bear in army fatigues,” she added with a giggle. “I’ll get Mom to take us shopping Monday if you want, since your sister’s going to be in New Haven again anyway.”

We talked for awhile after that, though I don’t remember which of us fell asleep first. I just remember a warm, peaceful silence settling over the room after awhile.

I think in some way, I greatly dreaded moving back to California again, and abandoning Nicole and Allison. I began to wonder if I could talk Mom into moving here instead, when she woke up. It was something to consider, anyway.
 

 
Monday’s hearing came and passed uneventfully. More importantly though, Allison and I went shopping with Carol that morning. After much discussion the three of us decided Allison’s idea to track down a camo-clad teddy bear sounded best.

Surprisingly, we managed to find the perfect one, not too large as to be unwieldy, but not too small either, which we paired with a summer flower arrangement.

Pulling into the Harris’ drive, we piled out of Carol’s SUV. I had to stop for a moment to shake the horribly uneasy feeling of just being here again.

It looked like they had to completely replace the front door where the raggedy pervert had chased us.

I couldn’t help feeling guilty about it as we approached the front door. Carol stood close by as our silent moral support, while Allison held the brown bear and flowers, leaving me to be the official greeter.

I inhaled deeply, and knocked. A few seconds later, the door opened. Beth Harris, Randall’s wife, answered.

Much to my surprise she had a baby, no more than a year at best, in her arms. She smiled as she nodded, “Well hello girls. I didn’t expect to see you again so soon.”

“Hi Mrs. Harris,” I offered meekly. I couldn’t help smiling down at the child. She noticed me staring and grinned, “This is little Casey, our youngest daughter.”

My eyes widened. “Oh, I am so, so sorry.” I started with no small amount of unease. She shook her head though.

“No, it’s okay. The kids were out with their grandmother. That’s why I was still in my pajamas the other day,” she chuckled wryly.

“Little Casey had been sick, so I’d been up most of the last two nights sitting with her. My mother-in-law took them off our hands so I could finally get some much-needed rest, and so Randall and I could have a little time together too.” She added with a broad smile.

“Who is it?” Mr. Harris asked neutrally, but smiled as he moved closer. “Oh, it’s you two. I wasn’t expecting I’d see you again.” His words belied the warm smile on his face.

“Sorry about your door,” I offered softly, motioning to Allison, who stepped closer. “We just wanted to thank you for protecting us. I overheard your wife mention to the dispatch that you just came home from active duty last week, so,”

“We hope that this is appropriate,” Allison finished, offering our gifts.

Mrs. Harris grinned, and Mr. Harris’ eyes welled up just a little as he took the bear, staring at it for a moment before accepting the flowers as well.

He stepped down onto the patio and lightly hugged us both. Mrs. Harris shifted the baby gently in her arms so she could give us each a one-armed hug in-turn.

“Thank you, girls. You don’t know how much this means to us,” he spoke softly.

We both smiled warmly, as I responded. “We were both so terrified, but you risked your life to save us even when you didn’t have to. You’re kind of our hero,” I blushed a little, adding, “Anyway we just wanted to let you both know how much we appreciate what you did.”

I faintly heard him saying “I hope our kids turn out like those two,” as we turned to leave, causing me to blush even more. As we got into Carol’s car, she smiled over at us.

“That was really sweet of you both. Joe and I are both extremely proud of you,” she added, as we backed out of the driveway.

Later that afternoon, Allison had broken out her Baby Taylor three-quarter-sized acoustic guitar for me to practice with as we sat in her parents’ open garage.

We were just having fun giggling and goofing off, and didn’t even notice the Toyota Corolla that had pulled into Margie’s driveway.

A taller woman in conservative business casual attire and honey blonde hair in a tight ponytail stepped out and crossed the lawns. She walked past us at first, heading toward the front door, paused, and turned back again, entering the garage.

Allison noticed the woman first, setting her electric guitar aside and rising with a cheerful smile. The woman returned the smile as she offered her hand.

“I’m sorry to interrupt you girls like this,” she began as Allison shook her hand, “But could you tell me where I can find,” she paused, glancing at her clipboard, “Robin Smith? I didn’t see a car in the driveway and this is the next address to contact.”

Allison turned back toward me. I stood with a nervous smile as I handed her guitar back to her, approaching the woman, “I’m Robin. What’s this about?”

She blinked at me then looked down at her clipboard again, then back at me, “You’re Robin? Robert Jonathan Smith?”

I cringed, “Robin Jane Smith, ma’am. I haven’t gotten my name officially changed until Doctor Ketz okays it, but as far as anyone is concerned, I am Robin.”

She offered an apologetic smile, “I’m so sorry. I just couldn’t believe,” she paused and blushed. “Let’s try this again,” she fumbled as she tried to backpedal.

“Um, sorry, who are you exactly?” Allison interrupted. I was wondering the same thing, and I think Allison could tell I was starting to feel uneasy about all this.

“I’m Susan Keats,” she offered with a more confident smile. “I’m a social worker for the state of Connecticut. My duties include evaluating the home environment for children and teens in foster care normally, but I also work with kids transitioning to ward status.”

I gave her a warm smile as relief flooded throughout. I was sure she was from the hospital or something, as bizarre as that sounds. I hadn’t heard anything new of Mom’s condition in awhile and was beginning to worry.

“Oh, good. For a second there I thought… Er, never mind. It’s nice to meet you Ms. Keats. Margie told me to expect someone. I’m sorry she couldn’t be here personally, but there was a minor emergency at her clothing store.

“Something about a VIP making a surprise visit,” I rolled my shoulders a bit then offered, “What can I do for you?”

“I just need to ask you a few questions. I’d like to inspect your sister’s home as well. Do you expect her back soon?”

Allison set her acoustic guitar on its stand then turned back to us, “I can go get my mom if you need an adult present or whatever,” she offered.

I nodded, echoing, “Yeah, Mrs. Jones is practically my second Mom. Margie won’t mind me showing you the house though, either way.”

“Thank you, dear. Yes, I’d feel more comfortable with another adult present for these proceedings,” she hesitated, lowering her voice a bit as Allison stepped inside.

“Just between the two of us, our department has come under fire ever since the Morgan incident a couple of years ago, so we try to do everything on the cautious side these days.”

“Wait… Morgan incident - as in Nicole Morgan?” I frowned as recognition, and not a little bit of concern, crossed her face.

“You know Nicole Morgan?”

“We’re… kind of dating, sort of.” I responded, “Nothing serious, but I care about her.”

“I see. Well, I really shouldn’t say anything. I could get in a lot of trouble just for mentioning what I already have.”

I nodded, “It’s okay. I respect her privacy, and I don’t want to get you in any trouble either.”

By now, Allison had returned with Carol. The two women exchanged pleasantries, and Ms. Keats returned her attention to her clipboard, “Now then, Robin. How would you describe your sister?”

“Well, she’s awesome for starters. When I was little, she came over practically every night when my mom was taking night school classes to sit for me. She took care of me until I was about seven or eight, like that.”

She jotted something down on her clipboard then glanced back up, “What happened to make her stop?”

I chuckled a little, “College. She had to promise to come visit me every other weekend to get me to stop crying. She was apparently planning to invite me to come stay the summer anyway, when the accident happened.”

“Your mother’s accident? I’m so sorry about that, by the way,” she offered, then continued. She asked several questions about how I liked my new home compared to the old one, my friends here, if there was anything I would change.

I was hesitant to answer that last question. By now we had moved on to giving her a tour of Margie’s, or ‘my’ I suppose I should say, home. As we stood at the top of the stairs, I exhaled slowly.

“Actually, there are two things I want to change, but only one of them is within my power. The other is… is just something that I have to wait for.” Before she could ask, I opened the door to my bedroom and stepped inside, with a hand motion inviting her to have a look.

“This is what I want to change. Allison and I have been talking about ideas to remodel my room to look less like a converted nursery and more like a proper teen sanctuary. Some throw pillows, some wallpaper, maybe a blow torch…” I grinned after that last one, “Just kidding.”

She chuckled, “And the other?”

“Well, the other is more personal. I’m on blockers to prevent my body from progressing any further through puberty as a boy. I, and everyone I know, believe I am and should have been born a girl. I just have to wait until my doctors agree with me and start me on medicine to fully correct my body to match who I am.”

She nodded neutrally, scribbling something on her clipboard as I stepped out again. I caught a glimpse of her peeking in my open closet, and grinned, “I’m still working on my wardrobe. Nikki’s mom gave Ally and me gift certificates to JC Penney the other night that I’m going to put to good use tomorrow when we head back to New Haven for the other meeting.

“I’m going to try and get into the Girl Scouts on their counselor in training summer camp program. Doctor Ketz says it’d be a great chance for me to develop leadership skills.”

Concluding the tour, we walked back downstairs. Standing in the foyer, she made one last note on her clipboard then offered me her hand, then shook Carol’s.

She smiled, “Well, Robin, that’s everything I needed. You seem like a happy, well-adjusted, normal teenager. I’d like your permission to interview Nicole’s parents if I may, but beyond that, this should be the last you’ll hear from social services.”

I nodded, “Absolutely; I don’t know how Mr. Morgan feels about me, but I know Mrs. Morgan seems to like me,” I offered with a sheepish smile. She smiled, turning to step out.

Carol tapped me on the shoulder, grinning as I turned around, “I snuck a peek at her clipboard when she wasn’t looking. The words ‘Extraordinary kid’ were written under ‘Misc’.” She giggled, hugging me. I laughed as I hugged her back.

“Now I know where Allison gets her sneaky streak. Thanks for coming over and being my ‘adult witness’, by the way.”

“It’s no problem dear. Margie would do the same if it were my Allison in your shoes. I’m glad I can help.”

As she left, I went back upstairs to my room. I could hear the door open again a minute or so later, Allison’s voice ringing throughout the house, “Robin?”

“Up here!” I called back, delving into my closet.

“What’s up?” She asked, hanging in the doorway for only a moment before bounding over, where I had already begun meticulously scrutinizing my wardrobe.

“Hey Ally, if you were me, and you had to present as a poised, confident girl for a group of strangers who were about to decide if you could attend camp as a girl, what would you wear?”

She laughed, “Robin, sweetie, you’re thinking too much again! Look, if you go in there all nervous, dressed like you’re going to prom, they’re going to wonder how sincere you are.”

She reached out, taking down a pale blue tank top with cute flower embroidery around the neckline and held it up to me, “I LOVE this color on you. You should pair it with some cargo shorts maybe. Show them you’re not afraid to dress for the season!”

“I love you Ally.” I blurted with a grin, causing her to laugh and hug me.

“You’re an awesome friend, Robin. You just need to learn to stop overanalyzing everything and just be you.”

Wardrobe settled, we walked back downstairs and over to Allison’s to continue our impromptu guitar lesson. I always liked music, but never had any real talent for it. Spending time with Allison like this though, had been a lot of fun.

We also had time for her to give me a primer on camp ‘rules and regs’, basic first-aid, and other simple things I’d need to know as a first-timer, to say nothing of going into their more intensive training program.

The next afternoon, following a round of shopping (including a new one-piece bathing suit!) found me waiting in a small conference room with Margie.

Doctor Ketz had arranged for my session this week to follow the meeting so that I could talk about it with her immediately after, in addition to meeting this other mystery therapist of hers.

I’d taken Allison’s advice and worn the tank top she suggested with matching socks, and white lace-up sneakers, plus a cute pair of above-the-knee white shorts.

Margie and I had stopped for lunch beforehand, and now just had to wait for everyone else to arrive. I tried not to act too nervous, but the waiting was killing me, so I took my MP3 player (now bearing an adorable purple latex ‘skin’ protector) from my purse, plugging the earbud headphones in and cycling through to my favorite song.

Dr. Ketz was the first to arrive, followed immediately by a much older woman that I didn’t recognize. I quickly turned off and put away my music player, causing the older woman to flash a brief, approving smile.

“Robin?” She asked, as she seated herself at the table.

I nodded, “Yes ma’am.”

“I’m Meredith Greer,” she paused, offering a wry smile, “Better known around my camp as ‘The Dragon’.”

I blushed. I’d never referred to her by that name, but I certainly knew the reputation. “It’s nice to finally meet you, ma’am.” I offered as I delicately shook her hand. I was sure my palms were sweating, so I tried not to let them rub off on her too badly.

“I understand that you’re interested in the CIT program. Have you had any past scout or camp experience?”

I shook my head slowly, biting my lip, “No ma’am. To tell you the truth, before this summer I never had a lot of friends. I was the butt of kids’ jokes at school, and always figured that camp would be the same experience, only outdoors.”

She gave a sympathetic smile as she nodded, “That’s unfortunate. The GSC — Girl Scouts of Connecticut, take that sort of bullying very seriously. First infractions are, unless there’s reasonable doubt, an immediate suspension.

“We value giving our girls a positive experience. I understand you’re the reason Allison Jones is interested in returning to our flock this year, though. Do you think you have the commitment to return for our second-year program next summer?”

I began to wonder if she didn’t realize what this meeting was actually about. I nodded, “Of course. I don’t know how, but somehow I’ll find a way to make it back here next year if I haven’t convinced my mom to move here by then.”

Hope was harder and harder for me to hold onto, but I'd resolved that, if she wasn't better by the end of camp, I'd ask Margie if we could go back for a week or two.

“Doctor Ketzowski informed me of your mother’s condition. I am truly sorry about that.” Her words carried an undertone of compassion that I didn't expect from a camp director. Of course, my only 'camp' exposure was through television and movies, too.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I finally spoke meekly, “Ma’am … Did Doctor Ketz explain the other reason for this meeting? Other than fudging some paperwork I mean?”

She nodded, “I’ll be frank with you. At first, I was incredibly skeptical, but I promised Doctor Ketzowski that I would give you the same chance I’d give any girl.

“I’ve also taken the liberty of talking with the other interested girls’ parents and discussing this at length with them. It seems you have a pre-existing relationship to both girls,” she paused and smiled.

“Mrs. Jones in particular, was emphatic about what a brave, caring young woman you are. Anyone can be taught how to start a fire or set up a tent.

“It takes a true, rare gift to lead someone else out of danger when it counts. Robin, we would be honored to have you train as one of our counselors. There are some stipulations to this, however.”

“…Wait, what did you just say?” I couldn’t believe my ears.

“We want you in the CIT, and it’s my sincere desire that you’ll become a full-fledged scout yourself. You’re only fifteen after all.” Her grin was contagious, and I thought I was going to break down right there. Margie instinctively handed me a tissue.

“What are the stipulations? I’ll do whatever you ask,” I said with no small amount of excitement as I blotted my eyes I hopes of preventing my eye liner from running.

“For starters, it’s important that you not discuss your condition if it can be helped. The scouts do not discriminate, but neither do we encourage. Our goal is to promote and encourage a nurturing environment for all girls.”

I nodded quickly, “I totally agree. I actually was afraid to apply because… Well…” I paused.

Her silvered eyebrows rose, but she waited patiently for me to continue, “… Because I was afraid if someone did find out, that it might ruin other girls’ experiences.” I finished, biting my lip.

She smiled softly, “That’s exactly what I was hoping to hear. You have precisely the kind of caring desire to make others’ experience more enjoyable that we look for in counselors.

“The second stipulation is that you shower separately, mainly for your own safety, and that you’ll be sharing a bunk with your friends when you’re not on an advanced training exercise.”

Margie spoke up this time, “About showering… Won’t that raise questions with other girls?”

Meredith nodded, “We have a few girls each year who have unique medical conditions that require special accommodations. Robin’s case is no different in that regard. The third stipulation is no public displays of affection.

“The Morgans informed me that you were dating Nicole, one of the other girls interested. As I said, we do not discriminate, but we do not endorse any lifestyle either.”

I blushed intensely, “Um... Actually we’re not technically dating. We’re just really good friends, and we keep our feelings low key so that won’t be a problem at all. I mean, as long as things like hugging are okay? … Because Ally, Nicole and I are like, inseparable.”

She nodded, chuckling, “That’s fine. I believe that covers everything. I want you to understand just how unorthodox this is, however. Ordinarily the cut-off date for these signups is in March.

“I’m making a personal exception for the three of you because, for one reason or another, practically every other girl we thought would have been interested this year, didn’t sign up, or were unable to do so.

“In addition your friends and family have spoken very, very highly of you specifically, and I strongly believe you will be a wonderful asset for our younger girls to look up to,” she smiled professionally, but her words carried a lot of weight.

I was overwhelmed by how much she apparently was expecting of me. She was right though. If I was going to attend camp as a girl, I had to be the best darn girl I could be.

“I’ll try my best to live up to everyone’s expectations. I wasn’t sure what to think when Allison brought it up, but now, I… I’m really excited!”

They all chuckled good-naturedly at my outburst, causing me to blush a little, but I smiled brightly. In less than a week, I’d be on my way to my first summer camp!

We adjourned the meeting and Margie and I drove to Doctor Ketz office for our weekly session. As I got comfortable on the sofa, Doctor Ketz observed, “Robin, have you been shaving your legs?”

I nodded. “Actually,” I paused, glancing at Margie. She just gave a comforting smile, “Actually, I’ve been shaving since I was like, thirteen. Well before I started buying my own things.”

Doctor Ketz seemed a little surprised by that. She leaned back in her chair.

Silence enveloped as I waited nervously. Finally, she granted me her mercy by breaking the silence, “You’ve thought about this for a long time, haven’t you Robin?”

“About… wanting to be a girl?” I asked. She nodded.

“Yes ma’am.” She already knew all this, I thought.

“I suppose I was reluctant to administer a diagnosis after so few sessions. It took a fresh set of eyes for me to accept what I was seeing.”

Margie and I looked at each other, and I wondered which of us was the more bewildered. We both turned back to Doctor Ketz, Margie speaking up this time.

“What are you getting at, Barbara?” Her tone was more than a little concerned.

Doctor Ketz chuckled softly as she removed her glasses and sat forward, “Robin, just after our meeting, Meredith pulled me aside and asked if this was all part of some elaborate camp joke put forth by her counselors.”

I blinked at her and stared for several seconds, “I’m sorry?”

“She said she played along for the sake of appearances, but wanted to know in advance if someone was trying to play her for a fool. She honestly believed you were a natural-born girl.

“Let me ask you something. Are you absolutely certain that this, that being Robin is what you want? Once you’ve transitioned, there are some things that cannot be undone.”

Without even giving her a second to inhale, I responded, “Yes! More than anything, this is what I want with all my heart. This is what I’ve always wanted.”

She stood as she continued, “I’m going to step out of the room now, and let my colleague, Doctor Bane take over, alright?”

I hesitantly nodded, and she left the room. Hardly a few seconds passed before a tall young looking man with broad shoulders and clean-cut, short brown hair entered.

Had his gray suit been even a half size smaller it would have looked incredibly comical on his lanky frame, but instead he exuded professionalism.

He smiled as he nodded, approaching us. “Robin and,” he nodded toward my sister, hesitating, “Margie? Or is that the other way around? I’m no good with names,” he joked, immediately putting me a little more at ease.

“I’m Robin. You’re Doctor Bane then?”

“Yes, though you can call me Tom if you prefer.” He seated himself across from us, retrieving a pen from his inner jacket pocket.

“I’m just going to borrow Barbara’s notepad here. If she asks, I didn’t peek at her notes.” He winked, causing me to chuckle.

“Before we begin, Robin, I’d like to speak with your sister one on one. Don’t worry though, this won’t take very long, then we’ll get back to your personality evaluation.”

I glanced at Margie briefly. She smiled as she squeezed me.

“Robin’s a little uneasy about being alone ever since last Friday,” she offered.

His face softened considerably. “Oh that’s right. Barbara couldn’t fill me in on the details of your session due to confidentiality concerns, but she did mention the incident briefly as part of her primer for our meeting.

“Hmm. Ordinarily I like to do these evaluations separately, but if it would contaminate results more by keeping you two apart for this part, then I suppose I have no choice,” he paused, and my breath caught in my throat.

“Wait, if it’s going to affect whether or not I can continue my transition I’ll wait outside.” I really didn’t want to, but I’d do what I had to do.

He shook his head with a smile, “I’m so sorry, Robin. That was the first test. I had to see for myself how sincere you were.

“I know how hard it is for you to be alone right now, and that you would be willing to put yourself so far outside your comfort zone says a lot.”

I blinked. I so wanted to hate him for that, but in a weird way, he’d proven his point. I was ready to step FAR outside my comfort zone for this. I still wanted to slug him though. I nodded neutrally instead.

“Now, Margie I would like to ask you a few questions,” he began. Margie seemed ready to take the defensive at any moment, but nodded, letting him continue.

The questions he had for her were largely the same questions Doctor Ketz had asked. He wanted to know about what I was like growing up, how I reacted to her moving away, and eventually, how she felt about learning about ‘her sister’.

For my part, I largely tuned it all out. I was still a little upset about his first ‘test’. He meant well, but that was a dirty trick!

“Robin?” I suddenly blinked back to reality at hearing my name.

“Mm? Sorry, what?”

He chuckled. “I’d like to ask you a series of questions now, if that’s alright?”

I nodded. “Ask away.”

I found his line of questions a little puzzling, to be honest. After the initial round of inquiring about how long I’d felt the way I did, he went off into a tangent of questions like my favorite color (purple!), how likely I was to feel comfortable or uncomfortable sitting close to someone.

He made certain to clarify that I answer for both before and after Friday on that point, and went on to ask things like my favorite subject in school, how well I deal with math versus writing, and other things.

Finally, he asked me how I would react to a complete stranger suddenly breaking down and crying.

I giggled at his last question. Now I knew how Allison felt when she couldn’t help giggling at ‘hearing it all before’.

“I’m sorry. It’s not the question that’s funny, but that I’ve had that one actually happen to me.”

“Really?” he asked. “Could you tell me about it?”

“Sure. It happened literally right after I had just started living as Robin. My friend Allison’s best friend came over to hang out,” I told him everything, from beginning to end, about how my relationship to Nicole progressed.

I mentioned toward the end how her mother informed me I had sort of inadvertently stopped her from doing drugs in addition to getting her to go to her rock camp.

When I finished, he sat back in his chair, a stunned expression practically tattooed on his features. After several seconds, he turned his attention to Margie. I could hear the disbelief in his tone.

“That is … a remarkable story. Is that really what happened?”

Margie nodded. “Every word: since she’s been here, and since she’s been living as Robin, no longer fighting her natural instincts, she’s been an overwhelmingly positive influence on everyone she’s come into contact with, including me.” She smiled softly down at me, giving me a squeeze.

“Now I understand why Barbara wanted me to meet with you so strongly. Excuse me just a moment.” He seemed to have completely lost his jovial nature and exchanged it for uncertainty. He stood, straightened his tie, and turned to step outside.

“Did I do something wrong?” I asked Margie with no small amount of concern in my tone.

She shook her head slowly, “I don’t think so, sweetheart. I think he’s just a little surprised.”

I nodded. I began to wonder if there was a hidden camera or two-way mirror in the room somewhere out of sight where they could observe my reaction or something.

I felt a little nudge of paranoia well up inside, but thankfully they didn’t give it time to grow. The two doctors reentered together, Doctor Ketz taking her usual seat, and Tom taking the adjoining, normally empty chair.

Tom smiled at me, “Robin, let me first apologize for my initial, and completely unprofessional reaction. It’s just that I’ve only ever heard of a handful of cases where transition sounded like a such plausible notion in someone so young, especially this quickly.

“Your reactions to my tests, both the obvious ones, and the less obvious ones,” he paused to offer a wry smile. I guessed he really did feel guilty about pulling that first one on me, “have shown that you tend strongly toward a female mindset across the board.”

Doctor Ketz nodded, “As I said, it took a second set of eyes for me to realize what I had been seeing in you this whole time.

“There is something that I need Doctor Bane to discuss with your sister first, though. I know you don’t like being alone, but would you feel comfortable taking a walk with me?”

I nodded, “That sounds okay,” I offered. As Doctor Ketz led me out of her office, I worked up the courage to ask, “What do they need to talk about anyway?”

“It’s a legality issue. Your sister only just set the paperwork in motion to become your legal guardian in Linda’s absence. The fact that she seems to be your closest blood relative does help, however there are still certain ethical issues that need to be worked out.

“Thomas and I discussed this potential eventuality,” she explained, as we stepped onto the elevator together, “since I knew ahead of time that one of us would need to speak to your sister one-on-one, and I felt it best that I be the one to stay with you while that’s handled.”

I nodded softly, “Thanks Doctor Ketz. Tom seems like a nice guy, but you’re,” I hesitated. “You’re like I’d want my grandparents to be, if they were still alive.” I blushed even as she smiled brightly at that.

“Thank you Robin,” she offered gently as we stepped off onto the first floor, “That means a lot to me. Can I buy you a soda?” She motioned toward the vending machine off to the side.

“Red cream soda if they have it, or Sprite, please. I’m trying to watch my caffeine intake. So, what does all this mean for me anyway?”

“It means that we’re considering starting you on a hormone replacement regimen. Now, this doesn’t mean that we’re going to just go willy-nilly pumping you full of hormones,” she advised.

I could feel the tinge of sorrow at that. Did this mean I couldn’t transition yet?

“Given the short amount of time since you first expressed a desire to remain as Robin,” she continued, “we’ve decided to take a cautionary approach.

“What we’re considering is to start you on a slow hormonal regimen so that you have more time than is usually the case to decide if you’re absolutely certain about your decision. In addition, there’s the matter of your mother Linda’s condition.

“Even if the paperwork to make Margie your legal guardian has already been pushed through the system by her attorney, there’s the ethical implication of making this decision without her input.”

I nodded slowly as she handed me my soda can, but I couldn’t bring myself to even open it yet. I was still trying to digest all the information I’d just been handed. I slowly walked to a padded bench in the front lobby and sat, staring at my drink.

“Robin, it’s important to understand that you’ve had your friends and family supporting you fully so far. You’ve been in a very unique, and I’m sad to admit, unusual situation.

“We want you to experience more of your life as a girl before we commit to more robust regimen which would eventually cause irreversible changes.”

“Why would you even start me on replacement then, if it’s not going to take effect?” I asked. I felt more than a little wounded and very confused.

Doctor Ketz smiled softly, “Oh, you’ll feel the effects. It’s just that there’s a certain point where hormone-induced changes become completely irreversible.

“We want to give you the most opportunity to make your final decision, while cautiously proceeding with your development. If, in a couple of months, you decide to proceed fully, then we’ll discuss stepping up your progress.”

I smiled a little as she sat beside me. I wrapped her in a quick hug, then opened my soda and took a sip.

“Thanks Doctor Ketz. I guess this is the most I could’ve realistically hoped for. I know I don’t want to ever go back to being ‘Robert’ again, though.”

“I know, Robin, but I can’t in good conscience let you proceed any faster. I’d be doing you a disservice if I did.” She smiled softly.

“Now, you’re going to be at camp for the next two weeks. Do you want to work something out for me to come out to you, or just give me a call if you need to talk about anything?”

“Um… How about I call you from camp if things aren’t going well? Or Margie can put us on three-way calling with her?”

She nodded, “The medical staff will need to be apprised of your regimen, and administer it to you for safety and privacy reasons, incidentally.

“I’ll want to see you first thing in two weeks, in any case. Is there anything else you’d like to discuss?”

“Actually there is one thing. Would it be alright for me to legally change my name to ‘Robin’?”

“That’s a big step forward,” she offered, contemplating for a moment. I looked up to see Margie stepping off the elevator.

“I don’t think it should be a problem. You might consider filing for a legal alias instead, and then make the change later, as ‘Robin’ is technically an alias of ‘Robert’, if a bit roundabout. ”

I offered her a bit of a smile as I stood to hug Margie. “How did it go?”

She produced a letter from her purse. “Tom asked that I show this to you,” she responded. “It’s a letter of recommendation to allow you to begin transition, with the provision that it be immediately halted pending review if Linda’s condition improves enough that she can speak on your behalf instead.”

Barbara smiled, “This isn't a prescription, but my and Thomas’ approval in-writing for Robin to begin hormone replacement. You can let your endocrinologist and attorney keep a copy, but I want you to keep the originals for your records.

“Because you’re so young, even at this low dosage this next week is going to be emotionally difficult as your body adjusts to having more estrogen in your system. Just take that to the same doctor I sent you to see the last time.

“Also, be sure to ask for a list of physical side-effects to watch out for, so that you can alert your camp’s nurse should your body react poorly after you’ve gone to camp. Again, the low dosage should minimize that risk for now, but it’s better to be cautious when dealing with your health.”

Margie hugged me as we left Doctor Ketz’ office. “Are you alright Robin?”

I shook my head slowly. “I guess I just got my hopes up too high. I don’t want to wait,” I whined, resting my head on her shoulder as we walked back to her car.

“I know, sweetheart, but you know she’s only doing what’s best for you. And you WILL start to change and develop. They did the same thing with Kelly, you know?”

I stopped, causing her to stop as well, and looked up at her. “They did? Really?”

She smiled, nodding, “Yeah. She actually didn’t start a full hormone replacement regimen until she turned sixteen, from what I understand.”

Somehow that sentiment made me feel a lot better. I squeezed Margie tightly, offering a relieved smile.

“That, I can deal with. I’m just… I guess I’m just worried about the other girls making fun of me for being so underdeveloped, not really at camp, but when school starts back,” I admitted, as we got in the car.

“People can find any reason to make fun of someone. What’s important is that you don’t let it get to you. You’re a bright, beautiful, courageous, and caring young lady, and the people that matter will always see that in you.”

I smiled warmly as I started digging out my cell phone. I gave Margie one last broad smile and leaned over to kiss her cheek then pulled my seatbelt across as I one-handed dialed.

“Jones residence,” Allison answered.

“Ally! Guess what?”

She laughed, “You got accepted? Jennifer called to tell me the good news. This is so awesome! Apparently you made a HUGE impact on the Dragon too. Jen says Meri’s actually excited to have you signed up next week.”

I laughed, “But that’s not all.”

“More good news? How was therapy?” she asked.

“We’re just leaving, and going over to see the endo-whatever-ologist.”

“Uh oh. Is there something wrong with the blockers?” She asked, concerned.

“Nope!” I bubbled.

“OH MY GOD! Alreadyy?!” She squealed, “MOM! Guess what!” I knew she’d put two and two together at this point, and started giggling. I could hear her excitedly telling Carol.

“Mom says congratulations. She also said to tell Margie ‘Break out the Midol’.” I blinked, looking at Margie.

“Hey, Carol said to tell Allison to tell you to break out the Midol.”

Margie laughed, “Tell her I said ‘Already got some’.”

“She says she already has some.” There was an inside joke that I wasn’t privy to here. “What was that all about?”

Allison giggled, “Kelly was, like, super moody when they started her on hormones. But don’t worry, you’ve got Nikki and me to help get you through this, plus jogging and ice cream won’t hurt, either!” She laughed.

“I was kind of downcast at first when they told me they couldn’t start me at the full level for what a normal girl would produce.”

“Honestly Robin, I’d be a little frightened for you if they did that. Kelly had to start small too. Something about being absolutely sure this is what you want before permanent changes happen within your body, I think.

“Kelly’s therapist once told our parents that he was glad they brought her to him because there are some people out there who’ll just charge a crazy amount of money for a transition letter without actually talking to the patient.

“For what it’s worth, Kelly pouted for like a week, too.” She giggled.

I giggled a little as well, “Yeah, Margie said something similar, which really did help a lot. I want to start developing like a real girl, but at least knowing Kelly went through the same thing helped so much. Hey, speaking of which, have you heard anything new from her?”

“I’m sorry Robin. I haven’t heard anything more than you yet,” she responded with a soft tone. I think she was as worried as me about Mom’s condition at this point.

“It’s okay Ally. No news is good news, right? Listen, I have to go for now. We’re at the other Doctor’s and Margie’s giving me the silent stare.” I giggled a little, sticking my tongue out at her.

“Oh, no problem! I’ll see you when you get home, okay?”

“Sure thing!” I answered, turning my phone off. I opened the glove compartment and used the open lid as a makeup tray.

“Come on Cinderella,” Margie teased. I stuck my tongue out at her, “I cry way too much. I need something more resilient or I’m going to look like a perpetual goth chick.”

Margie, to my surprise, reached out and placed her hand on my shoulder. I looked over, catching a smile from her as she spoke, “Welcome to girlhood. It’s only going to get worse from here.” I smiled as I finished touching up my lip gloss.

“Don’t you mean better?” We both laughed as I gathered everything up again and got out of the car.

I’ve never been a big fan of needles, so I was a little uneasy when I saw the size of the one the doctor planned to use to administer my first dose. I just closed my eyes and reminded myself it was all going to be worth it.

Of course they also had to draw another blood sample to see how my body reacted to the other medication I had been taking, and to help determine proper dosage amounts, but at least it wasn’t nearly as much as last time. A couple of cute little white band-aids later, we were on our way home.

As I stared out the window, I began to reflect on what had led me to this point. I wondered if Mom would approve so readily as Margie had.

Then I remembered what Kelly said about how she and Carol were closer than ever after transition. God, I wished she would wake up.

Every day, I was less and less her son, and more and more her daughter. Kelly had made a good point though. I was her only child. She’d be happy just to see me this happy.

That night, Allison’s parents took Margie and me out to celebrate at Olive Garden. It wasn’t Chez What’s-it-called, but it was more than Margie and I were used to either. When we returned home, I hugged Allison good night and thanked her for everything, then headed back to my house to spend some quality time with my diary.

I wasn’t feeling any of the moodiness I was told I would yet and began to hold false hope I might be able to avoid it.

No such luck.

Becoming Robin By Zoe Taylor Aloha! -/- Camp Kutomanu   Mom appeared in the doorway, “Robin sweetie. You’re going to be late for school!” She scolded. I sat up and stared blankly at her, so she came over to sit on the edge of my bed. I threw my arms around her, burying my face in her shoulder, “Mommy! I had the most awful dream!” “Oh sweetheart, I’m here. I’m always here. I’ll always be with you,” she offered. I pulled back to look at her. I was about to ask her what she meant, when the scene began to fade. “MOMMY NO!” I shrieked. I suddenly found myself back in my room, in Alpine Springs.

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Author's Note
Credit where credit is due: the dream sequence at the start of chapters 17 and 19 are inspired by the events of the movie, The Lovely Bones, a heart wrenching tale with positively surreal imagery.

It's a bit like if Pan's Labyrinth had been written and directed by Tim Burton ;-) Anyway, on with the story!

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I stood amid a field as green as my own eyes. Wild flowers of every color and shape dotted the rolling hills for as far as I could see, and the sky overhead was a rich, deep blue. I heard my mother’s voice calling. I suddenly felt a strange pressure on my head, and reached up to touch it.

I pulled an adorable sun bonnet from my head long enough to inspect it, then replaced it. I looked down to see I was wearing a pretty white sundress that hung just at my calves. My bare feet depressed the grass beneath them.

I heard Mom’s voice again, much closer this time. I ran in the direction I thought I’d heard it, but the closer I got, the more everything began to change. The color faded, as though the very life force were being sucked away.

A bitter chill spread over the area, and I suddenly found myself back home, in San Francisco. I lay in bed, in my old room, but something felt different. I pulled the covers back to find I was wearing a pale blue silk night gown.

Mom appeared in the doorway, “Robin sweetie. You’re going to be late for school!” She scolded. I sat up and stared blankly at her, so she came over to sit on the edge of my bed.

I threw my arms around her, burying my face in her shoulder, “Mommy! I had the most awful dream!”

“Oh sweetheart, I’m here. I’m always here. I’ll always be with you,” she offered. I pulled back to look at her. I was about to ask her what she meant, when the scene began to fade.

“MOMMY NO!” I shrieked. I suddenly found myself back in my room, in Alpine Springs. The sun hadn’t risen yet, and only a few faint slivers of moonlight poured in around my curtains, so I slid to the edge of my bed and turned on the plain white lamp on my nightstand. By now I could hear Margie’s rapid footsteps in the hallway. I just buried my face in my hands and sobbed.

“Robin? What’s wrong?” She asked as she moved to sit on the bed beside me. She wrapped her arms around me and pulled me to her, letting me bury myself in her embrace.

I started to tell her about the dream, about the beautiful, perfect world turning to a pale, bitterly cold wasteland, and being back in San Francisco with Mom as Robin. She slowly rocked me in her arms as I clung to her. I couldn’t stop sobbing.

“It’s okay sweetie. It’s okay. I’m here; I’ve got you,” she tried to comfort me. We sat like that for what felt like only a few seconds, and the next thing I knew, Allison was standing over me, gently shaking me.

“Hey… Hey, Robin, are we going jogging today?” I heard her ask, through a hazy mental fog. I blearily stared at her, finally sitting up with a groan.

“What time is it?” I mumbled.

“It’s almost nine. Margie said you had a rough night, so I let you sleep. How do you feel?”

I flinched as figments of my restless dreams came flooding back, “Awful. I miss Mom. I kept dreaming about her. Oh, Ally…” I whined, putting my head on her shoulder. She wrapped me in a hug.

“Come on, you: out of bed. You’ll feel better after we jog,” she smiled supportively.

I gave her a slow nod, “Is this what Kelly went through?” I managed to swing my legs over the edge of my bed, my knees nearly buckling as I tried to stand. Allison caught me, helping me steady myself.

“Whoa, careful now. Yeah, this is pretty much it. Only she was lamenting not having told anyone about her feelings sooner. She was a real wreck. Be glad it’s me taking you jogging and not daddy though. I still can’t get those cadences he made her sing out of my head,” she giggled a little and kissed my forehead innocently.

I gave her a warm hug then set about getting ready. I’d never actually changed clothes in front of Allison, or any girl for that matter, and were I not still feeling a little disoriented from last night, I probably would’ve thought something of that fact now, as I stripped out of my lavender pajamas. I stood in nothing but a sports bra and panties, digging through my dresser for a pair of shorts to wear.

Allison, to her credit, occupied her gaze elsewhere while I pulled my shorts up and grabbed a neon green tank top from my closet. While I pulled up my socks, she retrieved my pink-trimmed running shoes.

“Thanks Ally. I’m feeling a little better now,” I offered, as I knelt to tie the laces, “Do you mind waiting just another couple of minutes though? I’m starving. Margie usually leaves something for me.”

She giggled, “At least your appetite’s intact. Can I do anything while I wait?”

“Can you get my workout stuff together for me? My wrist and ankle weights are with my fanny pack in my closet, and my pepper spray should be with it. Thanks Ally,” I tried to sound cheerful, but I think Allison knew it was forced.

A few minutes later, after I had gobbled down the breakfast Margie left in the fridge, I met Allison outside. She handed me my things, and after strapping my weights in place and a few warm-up stretches we were off.

“Hey Robin, I don’t mean to pour salt on an open wound, but what were you dreaming about when I woke you?”

“I’m not sure. I literally was holding onto Margie one second, and I guess I must’ve dozed off again because the next thing I knew I was back in bed again with you standing next to me. I wasn’t talking in my sleep or anything was I?”

She shook her head as we jogged our first block, “Nothing like that. You were just tossing and turning a lot, like you were chasing something or being chased…” She grew silent, and I took that as my cue to stop and catch my breath. It wasn’t to stop and ask if she was okay or anything. Nope.

“Ally, have you been having trouble sleeping?” I asked as gently as I could manage, as I bent over to catch my breath.

She nodded, “A little. I really don’t want to think about it though. I’m hoping some time at camp will help.”

I gave her a hug, then started up at the brisk pace we had going. I think that surprised her because it took her a moment to catch up again. Ordinarily when we jogged, I’d go as long as I could stand then switch over to walking, but today I was determined to keep up with her.

“The last dream I remember was when Margie came to check on me,” I explained my vivid dreams-turning-to-nightmares how I dreamed that I had woken up as ‘Robin’ back home, with Mom yelling that I’d be late for school, and woke up screaming for her. When I finished, Allison gave me a sympathetic smile, but before she could say anything, she got that paranoid look on her face again.

I looked back, and spotted a familiar white vehicle bearing the Connecticut Police logo approaching. “It’s a police car, Ally. C’mon, let’s let them pass.” I took her hand and pulled her off to the side, though to both our surprise the car rolled to a stop. The passenger window slid down, and Officer Garrett poked her head out with a smile.

“Morning girls,” she practically exuded confidence. God I hated her right that second; I was so jealous.

“Good morning Officer Garrett,” Allison and I offered in unison. I thought it was just she and Nicole that did that. She chuckled, shaking her head.

“I swear you two are like sisters. It’s good to see you haven’t stopped jogging because of what happened.”

I nodded, “We thought about it, but and we did go hiking last Saturday just to distance ourselves from what happened, but we ultimately decided we couldn’t just give up because of one incident, even if it was the scariest thing either of us have ever been through.”

She smiled as she nodded, “Well, for what it’s worth I don’t think you’ll have to worry too much. I shouldn’t say anything else though. Innocent until proven guilty, but PERSONALLY,”

Melissa abruptly nudged her, clearing her throat. Jane offered a wry smile as she nodded, “Right, sorry. You girls have a safe jog, now!”

“We should start heading back,” Allison said as she bent down to massage her calves. I nodded in agreement, turning to start our jog home. I tried not to think about the incident, but seeing Officer Garrett again brought back the memories of that day, which in my moody state, did not sit well.

“Come over after your shower, and we can binge on some ice cream. It’s so not good for either of our diets, but we’re going to be away from it for two weeks, so we’re allowed.” She reasoned. I didn’t really need an excuse, though. I was feeling lousy, so after one of my legendary forty-five minute showers, I grabbed my hair brush and headed over to Allison’s.

The rest of the week passed in much the same way. My restless dreams became slightly less restless each night, and jogging each morning became easier to bear. By Saturday, I was feeling somewhere close to normal, which was a good thing because we were due for another slumber party that night, this time to celebrate the coming camp. I’d also finally get a chance to meet Jennifer.

Late Saturday afternoon, Allison and Nicole were giving me a lesson on the Jones’ brand new regulation pool table, and by lesson, I mean I was being schooled pretty badly. It was fun though, and I was quickly picking up on the basics of how not to send a cue ball flying across the room too.

Suddenly someone knocked at the open basement door. The way the stairs were set up, it was impossible to see who was there for a blind wall halfway up. “Come on down! We’re just teaching Robin how not to knock out a light with a cue ball,” Allison teased.

A moment later, a girlish giggle followed footsteps on the basement stairs. A tall, rather well-developed-for-a-fifteen-year-old with flawless dark-olive skin and wavy chestnut hair stepped into view wearing a pretty, dark green halter top with white shorts.

“JEN!” Allison and Nicole exclaimed in unison.

“Aloha girls,” She started. I thought Jennifer’s intense, hazel eyes might pop right out of her head when she saw Nicole, dressed in a peach top and faded jeans, “Jesus. I go to camp for two weeks and you turn respectable!” She laughed, “what the heck happened, Nikki?”

Nicole pointed right at me, causing me to blush intensely, “Robin happened,” she beamed.

Jennifer walked right past the other two, looking me up and down as she approached. I nervously put the pool stick down on the table, biting the inside of my lip. She put both arms around me, then stepped back again, “Mahalo, Robin. I feel like I know you already.

“If Ally and Nikki are any indication you’re going to be a blast to hang out with.” She grinned back at her two friends then slipped around behind the bar to steal a root beer from the mini-fridge.

Meanwhile I was still recovering from the abrupt hug. I just smiled warmly, “It’s nice to meet you too. I’m super-excited about tomorrow, but I’m so nervous!” I added.

She walked back around the bar and delicately seated herself on one of the stools, “You’ve never been to camp before?”

I shook my head, “I was pretty much the punch line to everyone’s jokes at my old school. I always figured camp would just be an extension of that, and I didn’t want to put myself through it.”

She gave an understanding nod, then paused before speaking up again, “So what changed? Other than Ally probably badgering you non-stop to go,” she grinned.

Allison laughed, shaking her head as she sat on the sofa, watching us quietly. I wondered if she and Nikki were waiting to see what I would tell her.

“A lot of things, but mostly I just stopped trying to pretend to be someone I’m not. After that everything else just fell into place. I feel so… so comfortable with myself now, and I guess everyone else just picks up on that.

“I don’t expect not to have problems with people going forward. That’d just be naíve and a little dumb on my part, but at least I have good friends now, and that’s more than I had before.”

“Beautiful and smart; Nikki, hang on to her,” she winked, causing Nicole to blush, which inadvertently caused the rest of us to crack up giggling.

Much of the evening transpired in the same light-hearted atmosphere. We talked about boys, and for Nicole’s and my benefit, girls, did our nails, ragged on about bands and fashion trends, and eventually ended up in a rather epic game of truth or dare.

There’s an unspoken vow of secrecy that what’s said in truth or dare must never be repeated, so I leave that to the imagination, though it was wonderful bonding time for Jennifer and me, and for the other three to reconnect before we’d be spending two weeks in a rustic camp setting together.

The next morning we all sleepily filed out of the den and into the kitchen. The sweet smell of maple-soaked sausage and blueberry pancakes assaulted our senses. Carol stood at the stove with a tall stack of pancakes ready, smiling when the quartet of bed-heads appeared.

“Morning girls! Breakfast is almost ready. We’ve got two hours before we have to meet your bus so make sure you get a shower before then.”

“Wow, Mrs. Jones, are those blueberry? They smell great!” Jennifer sure perked up in a hurry. Allison and I helped set the table then joined the other two in completely wiping out the pancake stack.

After breakfast, we drew straws for who would get the first shot at their shower, with Allison and Nicole winning out. I needed to take my meds anyway, so I headed back to the den with a glass of water. I hadn’t heard Jennifer come down behind me.

“You okay?” She asked, causing me to jump. The two pills I had in my hand went flying. She stifled a quiet giggle, kneeling to pick one of them up, as I scrambled to keep the other from disappearing up under the bar. She stared at it a moment before handing it back to me, “Sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you.”

I shook my head as I washed down the first pill, “It’s okay. I’m just nervous,” I said as calmly as I could manage, downing the second. Truth be told, I was a nervous wreck.

She gave me a reassuring smile as she leaned back against the bar, casually propping her elbows back against it and looking right at me, “If you’re worried about people finding out you’re like Kelly, you shouldn’t,” Cue me with the ‘deer in headlights’ hundred yard stare, “Allison and I have been best friends since like, forever, and I didn’t know until I saw what you were taking.

“Explains why you had problems at your old school though. I couldn’t for the life of me figure why someone so cool could be mistreated like that.” Her smile exuded self-confidence. I hoped I could come to a point where I’d be that outgoing.

I blushed intensely, “Jennifer, I’m sorry I didn’t say anything. It’s just hard for me to know when, and who, to tell. As far as I’m concerned, I AM a girl.” I thought I was about to cry, and Jennifer seemed to think so as well, as she suddenly hugged me, speaking in a comforting tone.

“Hey, hey. It’s okay. Like I said, I didn’t figure it out until I saw your meds. And the only reason I recognized them is because Kelly’s practically my big sister too,” she winked then added, “And Robin? Call me Jen.

“At camp there are so many girls that CITs generally adopt a camp nickname to help us stand out, too. I’m ‘Ginger’ like the spice, and Ally is Cat: y’know, Alley Cat.”

I laughed, “Don’t cats usually eat birds?”

She stared blankly at me for a moment then started giggling, “Cute. Anyway, feel better now?”

I nodded, “Yeah. I’m still nervous though. Ally gave Nikki and me a crash course in camping and some basic first-aid. I’ve also read the Junior Girl Scout guide cover to cover too, but…”

She stared in disbelief, holding a hand up, “Wait, back up. You read the ENTIRE manual already?! Jeeze girl, you’re going to make the rest of us look bad!” she teased, causing me to giggle.

“I love reading. I sucked at sports, and I didn’t have any real friends, so I had a lot of time on my hands to just sit and read,” I admitted sheepishly.

“You know, we didn't actually have any Robins attending this last session; it's such a pretty name. Still, we’ll have to think of a nickname for you. I’ve already got one Nikki’s going to hate,” she grinned rather impishly.

I just had to ask, “As long as it’s as devious as ‘Pumpkin’.” She just stared, so I explained about our day hike last weekend, the Cinderella joke, and how ‘Pumpkin’ had to be back for her appointment. She started laughing.

“Oh, trust me, it’s worse. Like, y’know how the only people who call Nicole ‘Nikki’ are people she trusts enough to allow; to everyone else, it’s Nicole, period. So I was thinking of ways to play with ‘Nicole’ without violating the ‘Nikki rule’. I’m thinking ‘Cola’,” she mused.

Before I could say anything, Allison bellowed in that utterly unladylike way that only she could, from the top of the stairs, “Shower’s free girls! Robin, you’re up!”

By the time we had all had our showers and dressed (Jennifer had brought home matching white-text-on-hunter green “GSC4Life!” camp T-shirts for us to wear for the occasion), we loaded our suitcases into the back of Carol’s SUV.

I noticed Allison’s Baby Taylor guitar’s hard-shell case shoved up against the back seat as I loaded my suitcase and backpack. I had to jump just a bit to grip and close the hatch. By now Allison, Nicole and Jennifer were already piled in, so I jumped in the passenger-side backseat.

“Wait, wait! We can’t go yet!” Allison announced, flashing Jennifer a grin. Jennifer took her cue and reached into her pocket, producing a bracelet braided from multiple colors of string.

“Robin, give me your wrist.” I turned in the seat a bit to offer my right wrist. Jennifer had gotten in on the left, putting Nicole between us. She leaned back just a bit, grinning as she watched Jennifer tie the bracelet into place.

“It’s a friendship bracelet. I make them for all my friends and since Cat and Cola spoke so highly of you,” I should mention at this point that Nicole wrinkled her nose at being called ‘Cola’. It wasn’t her first choice, but she’d vowed to shed the last remnants of her gothiness over the next two weeks, “I went ahead and made one for you in my spare time.”

I held it up, admiring her handiwork. It really was intricately made, with a lot of knotwork worked into it at regular intervals. I hadn’t noticed until now that Nicole and Allison were wearing similar, if older bracelets too, “You guys… Thank you Jen. I love it!”

We arrived at the Alpine Springs High School after about a ten minute drive through town. Apparently it was chosen as the best place for a designated drop-off for the long bus lane and ample parking. About half the parking spaces were already taken by the time we arrived and started unloading our things.

The four of us walked as a group over to meet up with Camp Director Meredith, whom I’d met earlier in the week. She was dressed in a navy T-shirt bearing the words “GSC STAFF” and brown shorts, and I had to bite my tongue to keep from giggling as I spotted a stereotypical metal whistle hanging from a black cord around her neck.

She nodded as we approached her, “Girls, I’m glad you could make it. One of my volunteers is late,” she began, feigning a calm exterior. I could tell she was irritated though, “So your training begins a little earlier than usual. I’m going to need you four to help me wrangle girls onto the busses. Robin. Allison.”

She peeled a sheet from her clipboard, handing it to Allison, “I want you two to take A-F, last name first. Jen, Nicole you’ve got G through R,” she gave Jennifer the next sheet. Apparently she was at least pairing us off experienced girl to inexperienced girl, though.

She continued, “I’ll take the rest. If the other volunteer shows, you’ll be able to ride together, but if not I’m going to have to ask you to stick with your bus assignments and help the other adult volunteers,” she turned to face Nicole and me, “I know this is a tall order to ask of two complete newcomers, and I am truly sorry about this, but I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t have faith in you both.”

I smiled, “We won’t let you down ma’am.” Nicole added a “What she said” a moment later, and we split off to our respective duties. I never gave much thought to the old expression ‘herding cats’ until today. We had first-timers. We had girls that had been going for as long as Allison and Jennifer, and we had girls who insisted they stay with their friends, so Nicole and I found ourselves constantly running back and forth between Meredith and our respective scouts to coordinate seating arrangements.

By the time we had everyone on the busses and our own things loaded, I was already exhausted. I noticed one girl hadn’t gotten on the bus yet though. I turned to the other three. “Hey, I’ll be back in just a second,” I offered.

I didn’t realize Meredith was watching when I walked over to talk to her. The girl’s carrot top-red hair hung in perfect little curls from a white ribbon pulling it into a ponytail. Her baby blues nervously settled on me as I knelt down to her level.

“Hey, sweetie, is everything okay?”

She shook her head slowly. I could tell she’d been crying. “What’s wrong?” I offered, as gently as I could.

Her gaze shot straight down as she sniffed, “I’m scared…” she said in a quivering tone that just melted my heart. I’d never dealt with kids before in my life, but I always secretly had a soft spot for them that I never let anyone see.

“Is this your first time?” I asked, then added, “I’m Robin, by the way,” she nodded quietly, so I continued, “This is my first time too, you know. And that girl over there,” I pointed toward Nicole, who was by now standing with Meredith, Allison and Jennifer, “The one with black hair like mine, is new too,”

Her face lit up as she looked up at me, “You’ve never been before either? Really?”

I nodded sincerely, “Really. I’ve never been to any camp before. But my friends have, and you know something?” I paused to see if her curiosity got the better of her.

“What?” She asked as she dried her eyes.

“I’m really excited about it. We’re going to make new friends and meet new people, plus there’s swimming and horseback riding and arts and crafts. I’ve never even seen a horse in real life. Just on TV,” I giggled a little, causing her to smile.

“What’s your name, sweetie?” I asked.

“Amanda. Amanda Greer.” I blinked, slowly glancing over at Meredith, who had a big smile on her face by this point. I glanced back, “So is that why you were scared?”

She nodded, “That’s my aunt. I didn’t want the other kids to pick on me because of it,” she said softly. I couldn’t help myself, and put my arms around her.

“Oh, honey… Girl Scouts aren’t like that at all. Anyone who causes trouble gets thrown right out because we stick together, and take care of each other. I was scared of the same thing for a long time. That’s why I never went. You don’t want to end up like me and put it off until you’re my age, do you?”

She shook her head. By now one of the other girls her age had gotten back off the bus and come over to us. I stepped back a bit and watched the two introduce each other. The other girl took Amanda’s hand and led her to their bus.

Meredith and Allison came up to me, Allison giving me a quick hug, “Robin that was nothing short of amazing,” Allison gushed. Meredith nodded in agreement. I just smiled as I watched the two girls disappear into the sea of ponytails and pigtails, turning after I lost sight of the two, to face Meredith.

“It was nothing really. We’ve both never been to camp before, so I just talked to her about how I was feeling a little scared too, but why I was excited to be going.”

Allison grabbed my hand with a broad grin, “C’mon you. We still need to get you a camp name. The other volunteer finally showed so we can ride together.”

I smiled brightly, “That’s great! So, um… Any ideas?” I asked, as we rejoined Jennifer and Nicole. The four of us moved to the back of the bus where a few other older girls were sitting.

“Yeah, but we want yours to be extra-special,” Jennifer offered in that laid-back tone of hers as we sat down. I could practically feel the other girls’ eyes on me as we took our seats.

“What’s everyone staring at?” I whispered. Jennifer laughed, “They’re checking you out, babe. They’ve already figured out you’ve got the Dragon’s ear and they’re trying to decide if you’re a friend or a threat. It’s all part of being in CIT, but don’t worry. Nobody’s going to do or say anything,”

About this point the short, older girl with layered black-hair that had been a moment ago preoccupied with writing something in a spiral notebook turned in her seat, thrusting her hand out toward me, “Hi there! I’m Rachel!” she offered cheerfully.

I took the offered hand and smiled, as Meredith boarded and began rattling off a list of rules, “Hi Rachel. I’m Robin.”

“Robin? That’s a pretty name. Are you from around here? I’m actually from New Haven myself; I usually go to a different camp, but my step-mom and I volunteered when we heard your camp was short helpers this year.”

“I’m definitely not from around here,” I replied. Allison and I proceeded to explain how I came to be in this remarkable predicament as the busses began to roll away from the school. It appeared I’d already made my first camp friend, and we hadn’t even left Alpine Springs yet.

The five of us talked for the entire hour trip, and when we arrived at the unloading area, Rachel offered for Nicole and I to let her know if we needed help adjusting should Allison and Jennifer be unavailable. I thanked her, and even gave her a friendly hug before we disembarked on our next grand adventure.

 
“Alright girls,” Meredith began, as we formed a semi-circle around her, “Bus one go with Counselor Davis,” she motioned to the short, petite blonde that I would have actually pegged as a high school senior when she first approached us, were it not for the now familiar staff T-shirt she wore.

“Bus two go with Counselor Lawson,” a black-haired older woman wearing a white sun visor held up her hand to indicate whom she meant, “Bus three, you’re with Robin,” she said casually. Jennifer and Allison giggled, while Nicole just stared awkwardly at me.

I blinked, staring right at Meredith. She grinned, “Just teasing sweetie. Bus three you’re with Counselor Dunham. From there you’ll be assigned to your individual cabins and counselors.

“Robin, Rachel, Nicole, Allison, and Jennifer stay with me for further orientation.” It hadn’t even occurred to me what Rachel being in CIT meant. Did that mean she knew too? Meredith did say she spoke with the other girls’ parents. I decided not to think about it too deeply for now.

We gathered our things, and Meredith began our impromptu tour of the camp, starting with how we inadvertently gained an extra girl. “Rachel is here on a kind of GSC exchange program. I knew we’d be short helpers this camp term, so I made some calls and arranged for her to stay at our facility for this term.”

We, of course, already knew all this. Rachel told us how she was going into her junior year of high school. She was a second-year CIT going into advanced training, but when word got around that our camp needed an extra hand, she leapt at the chance to help.

“Actually, ma’am,” Rachel offered, “I’ve already talked with them about it. I didn’t realize they were our four CITs though,” she glanced back and smiled at us, “Talk about a lucky break.”

Meredith led us through the camp, pointing out where to find various facilities, as well as the counselor’s lodges should there be an emergency. She explained that, since we would be undergoing more advanced training in addition to regular camp activities, that we’d have our own cabin. Of course, I knew the real reason. Everyone but poor Rachel did. I could only hope our cabin had a private bathroom I could use to change my clothes for her benefit.

“You’ll have your own counselor assigned to help with organizing activities and events, or arranging special events depending on how goal-oriented you’re feeling,” she smiled back at us as she stopped in front of a beautiful log cabin, “And you’re welcome to spend the night in another cabin provided you set everything up beforehand with your counselor,” she paused, nodding toward us.

“Alright, I think that’s everything for now. Orientation is in thirty minutes so feel free to relax or explore before then. Just be at the central pavilion early. I’m going to officially introduce you five as members in training when I introduce the rest of the staff, just so you know ahead of time. And Robin, may I speak with you in private for a moment?”

I glanced back at the other girls and nodded, “Ni–I mean, ‘Cola’, can you take my suitcase in for me?”

Nicole nodded as she reached out to accept it, “Sure, no problem.” I kept my purple backpack with me, though. I still had my medication in it, which I knew I needed to hand over before I forgot it.

“Thank you,” I offered. Meredith turned to walk away, so I hurried to catch up to her.

“I just wanted to thank you again for talking to Amanda. And I’m not only saying that so I can give you something to say when they ask why I pulled you aside,” she winked, continuing, “I also wanted to let you know that your shower arrangements are taken care of. You’ll be allowed to use our private staff shower whenever you like.”

“About that,” I hesitated, gathering my thoughts, “Rachel,” I paused. “Does she know?”

Meredith froze in her tracks, looking down at me, “Oh, Robin, I am so sorry, I didn’t even think about that. I can move her to another cabin right away.”

I shook my head, “No, it’s okay. She’s already been introduced. It’d only raise more questions if we just abruptly kicked her out. Plus I’ve been talking to her , and she seems really nice. I just have to be careful. I’ll change in the bathroom and just not look when she’s changing, just like I do with the others anyway.”

She smiled as she put a supportive arm around me, continuing down the path. “That sounds like the best way to handle this for now. If you change your mind, or run into any problems though, just let me know, and we’ll all sit down and discuss it.”

I nodded, “Oh that reminds me, I need to give someone my medication. I have the dosing instructions and everything, but Dr. Ketz said I’d need to give them to the medical staff to administer to me for privacy’s sake.”

“In all the fuss this morning I forgot to ask if you were taking anything that needed to be stored securely. Come with me and I’ll show you where you can put it. Technically all of our staff are trained in advanced first-aid, but we also have a registered nurse on hand.”

I didn’t know what to expect from the nurse’s station, given the rustic atmosphere of the rest of camp. To my surprise it was actually an ultra-modern facility unto itself.

It wasn’t like a clinic or anything, but they looked like they could handle most emergencies that could come up in a camp setting easily enough.

“Yes, can I help you? Oh! Hello Meredith!” A cheerful young woman in her mid-twenties wearing black shorts and a ‘GSC STAFF’ T-shirt stepped around a corner, holding a bottle of headache medicine in one hand. Her rich auburn hair hung in a tight, high ponytail that bounced when she bobbed her head toward us in greeting.

“You don’t need that already do you, Bree?” She teased. The other woman laughed.

“Oh no, just preparing for the inevitable. Well hi there,” she turned her attention to me.

I smiled, offering my hand, “Hi,” I said timidly. After she’d shaken my hand, she turned to put the bottle of pain medication on a shelf.

“This is Robin. Robin, this is Brianna James, our on-staff registered nurse.”

“Robin?” She quite literally did a double-take when she repeated my name, and here I thought people only did that in the movies.

I giggled a little, “Yes ma’am.” Before she could ask, I reached a hand into my backpack and produced two bottles, handing them over. Her ponytail bobbed as she looked down, slowly reading the labels.

“Wow. So you’re the one? Well, don’t you worry. If anybody asks, we’ll just say it’s allergy medication, hey?” She smiled cheerfully.

“Oh, I like you already,” I admitted, causing her face to light up with a grin. “I’ve already taken my morning dose before I left, but I’ll stop by again when it’s time for the next one.”

“Oki doki,” she responded. She didn’t strike me as the nurse type, but she was willing to tell a little white lie for me, so I wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

“Robin, I have a few more things I need to discuss with Bree. Why don’t you go ahead and get settled in? Don’t forget to be at the pavilion though,” she reminded. I nodded, giving both a warm smile before turning to make my way back to the cabin.

“Everything okay?” Rachel asked, before I could even get in the door of our cabin. I gave her a small smile as I repeated what I’d practiced saying to myself all the way back.

“Yeah. She just wanted to thank me for talking her niece into going, and show me where the nurse’s station was so I could drop off my medication.”

“That’s really sweet what you did for her niece. It shows that you actually care about your fellow campers, and that kind of attitude’s going to go a long way toward getting other girls to do the same.”

High praise, indeed! I blushed, causing her to laugh. “Oh hey, we drew straws for who gets what bunk. Since you were unceremoniously pulled away against your will we went ahead and drew for you.”

She held up a short straw and grinned. “I hope you don’t like heights,” she teased.

I had to laugh. “Heights don’t bother me. It’s the sudden stop at the bottom. Bottom bunk, I guess?”

“Sorry Robin. I’ll trade if you want though.”

“Noooo thank you,” I began, turning to step inside. As beautiful as it was on the outside, the inside was pretty bad. The sheets looked clean enough, but everything else had a thin layer of dust, like it hadn’t been used in awhile.

“I’ve been having a lot of problems sleeping lately. I toss and turn, so I’d rather have a shorter fall if I should roll off or something.”

I expected her to laugh at that, but she gave me a somber smile and patted my shoulder, “Yeah, Allison told us you might say that. Just say the word if you need to talk, okay?”

Allison emerged from the cabin’s half-bath a moment later. “Who said what? Oh hey Robin, how’d it go?”

“Okay. Meredith wanted to thank me for talking to her niece, and showed me where I could take my meds.”

I didn’t feel comfortable calling Meredith ‘the Dragon’ for some reason. She had done so much for me that it just felt wrong somehow. I’d just begun sorting my clothes when someone pounded heavily on our door, causing the brass doorknob to rattle.

“This is the GSC camp inspection team! Your cabin has been selected for random drug inspection. Open the door and vacate immediately!” a gruff female voice barked. We all looked nervously at each other.

“I’m clean, I swear!” Nicole held up her hands, eliciting a giggle from Allison and me, though Rachel gave her a funny look.

When we pulled the door open, a tall, decidedly thin woman with hair as bright blonde as Allison’s, dressed in the now-familiar ‘GSC STAFF’ T-shirt leaned in the doorway, grinning at us. She giggled, piping up in a much more bubbly tone.

“Sorry, girls; I couldn’t help myself. I’m Alice Mason. I’ll be your resident camp advisor, counselor, organizer, and should you need it, den mother.”

Rachel and I groaned in unison, though I managed a chuckle as I offered her my hand, “I’m Robin. That’s Allison - Alley Cat, or Cat, Nicole, aka ‘Cola’, Jennifer, aka Ginger, and Rachel,” I motioned to each girl and went back to sorting my clothes.

She stepped inside, stamping her foot and causing a thin cloud of dust to waft up. She coughed, waving her hand to clear it away. “When was the last time someone cleaned in here? I’ll have a word with Meredith about the last girls to use this cabin.”

Jennifer and Allison exchanged a nervous glance at Alice’s comment. Jennifer just shook her head slowly and went back to unpacking, causing Allison to nod.

“So, Robin and Rachel, you two don’t have a camp name yet?”

I shook my head while Rachel smiled, answering. “Actually the girls at my last camp voted to call me Holiday, ‘Holly’ for short,” she chuckled, “But I was thinking of using Rose this time.”

Allison chimed in a moment later, “Ooh, I like Rose. We want Robin’s to be something special because… Well, you’ll see,” she giggled, causing Jennifer to start giggling as well, while Alice and I exchanged an ‘I don’t know what that’s about’ glance.

“Riiight. Well, if you girls are ready, we should start heading over. You’re CITs so you’re going to be the center of attention too. I’m not supposed to tell you this, but it’s basically part of a trust-building exercise. You girls learn to rely on each other, even as the other campers learn to trust and rely on you as relative strangers closer to their own age groups.”

“That doesn’t sound too bad,” I offered.

Alice smiled cheerily. “That’s the spirit!”

“Hey, Spirit!” Rachel echoed, “That’s perfect! Robin, you are without a doubt the most spirited girl I’ve ever met, and I’m a cheerleader for Heaven’s sake!” She laughed.

“It beats the heck out of ‘Cola’,” Nicole teased, shooting a playful glance at Jennifer.

“Spirit…” I giggled, “I like it.”

Together the six of us made our way down through the camp to the aforementioned central pavilion. The pavilion itself was much larger than I was expecting, though I supposed it had to be given the size of the camp, which I later found out actually serviced several other area communities in addition to Alpine Springs, making the lack of CIT signups all the more distressing for Meredith.

Most of the terrain and layout of the camp was hilly and heavily forested, but the area around the CP, as we came to call it, was cleared away, resting on a hilltop.

It was little more than a massive, concrete slab polished smooth, with an enormous roof built overhead supported by metal beams, with metal picnic tables set into the slab.

We at least weren’t the first ones to arrive, but we were certainly close. By the time everyone was present and accounted for there was barely an empty bench to be seen. Meredith blew her whistle, causing a wave of silence to surge over the area almost immediately.

“Alright, can everyone hear me okay?” She began. We could hear her just fine from where we sat at the front, but I glanced back to see a few older girls in the back nodding, so she continued, “I’d like to welcome everyone to Camp Kutomanu on behalf of the Girl Scouts of Connecticut.

“Some of you are new here, some of you attended our last session, and some of you have been attending for years. I assure you you’ll all find challenges to help you excel.” She went on to give her speech about how the scouts build trust and self-confidence, reminded us of the camp rules, and the punishments based on severity of the infraction.

She then moved on to the introductions. She had each counselor come up and stand as she introduced them, then Nurse Bree and the camp staff, and finally, she turned to our table, motioning for us to join them.

“We’re extraordinarily fortunate this year to have five girls who’ve expressed such strong interest in our Counselor in Training program, or CIT for short. They will be participating in some of the same activities that you will be.

“They’re here to have a fun camp experience just like the rest of you, but they’ll also be training as leaders. If you have a problem, and you see one of these girls, feel free to approach them. You may also of course, talk to any of our staff or myself, but understand that these five are here to help as well.”

She nodded to us, “Girls, why don’t you introduce yourselves?”

Allison spoke first, “Well, I’m Allison. You can call me Cat.” A round of quiet giggles followed. “I’m from Alpine Springs, and I’ve been a Girl Scout since I was little, so I can answer just about any question you might have.”

Jennifer followed suit, “Jennifer, call me Ginger or Jen. Some of you know me from last session, frantically trying to keep up with counselors and girls, so I’m extremely happy to have these four here. Oh, and I’ve been a scout since I was a kid. I’m also from Alpine Springs.”

Nicole spoke next, “Nicole, uh… I guess you can call me ‘Cola’, since that’s what my bunkmates have settled on for me,” she chuckled good-naturedly. “I’ve never been to girl scouts’ camp, but I just went to music camp a couple of weeks ago so…” She paused, then elbowed Rachel, causing another quiet round of giggles.

“I’m Rachel, also called Rose: whatever you prefer to remember me by.” She grinned cheerfully, “I’m from New Haven, but I volunteered for the GSC exchange to help out my fellow campers here. I’m also a varsity cheerleader at my high school, if any of you are going to a cheer camp later and want some pointers.”

I gulped. Every set of eyes now settled upon me. I inhaled, “I’m Robin, also called Spirit, and I’m from San Francisco,” the entire scene exploded into hushed whispers as I pressed on.

“I’ve never been to camp before, let alone Girl Scout camp, but I’m really excited for the experience, especially the chance to learn to be a better leader. Like Director Meredith said, if you have a problem, and maybe you don’t feel comfortable talking to the staff, come find one of us, and we’ll act as a go-between.”

Everyone clapped as I finished. My heart was pounding, and I thought I must have been sweating bullets.

“This concludes our orientation for now. Girls, you may return to your bunks with your counselors. Staff and CITs,” she turned to us, “We’ll have a staff meeting tonight before lights out.”

Alice approached me with a ridiculous grin on her face as everyone else began filing back out, “Nice touch on the end there.”

“What?” I had no idea what she was talking about. She chuckled as she turned to start herding us back toward our cabin.

“Letting them know you’re willing to be a go-between with the staff. That’s a great first step toward building their confidence in you.”

Jennifer nodded, “I don’t know why I didn’t think of it myself. I’m glad one of us is on the ball,” she giggled, causing me to blush. I gave her a playful raspberry as we walked.

Several times I had girls from other cabins stop and say hi, and one of the older girls actually walked with us for a minute, asking what it was like back home, how I got to attend a camp so far away and such.

I gave her the abridged version, that my mother was sick and that I was staying with my sister, and how ‘Cat’ had roped me into coming. She admitted she was glad I came, ‘how cool’ it was to have a California girl here, then jogged off again to catch up with her group.

“… What… was that about?” I asked.

Alice grinned, “A lot of girls have never even seen an ocean, let alone lived so close to one,” she advised. It made sense, but it was still a little bewildering. It wasn’t like I was from another country or anything, was it?

“So is that why you introduced yourself as being from Alpine Springs, Jen?”

She laughed, “Hey, I am technically from Alpine Springs. I was born in New Haven but grew up there.”

I did kind of enjoy the positive attention, admittedly. Alice interrupted my train of thought as we arrived at our cabin, “Say, that reminds me, how many of you know how to swim?”

Of course Rachel, Allison and Jennifer’s hands shot up, leaving Nicole and me. Alice gave a teasing ‘tsk-tsk’ at me, “A Bay area girl and you never learned to swim? Did you bring a swimsuit?”

I nodded, “I went shopping for one thanks to Nikki–,” I cut myself off, “I mean Cola’s awesome mom,” I conveniently left out the part about acquiring some medical grade adhesive tape to help in the hiding of a certain increasingly undesirable body part when wearing it.

She glanced at Nicole as the others headed inside. Nicole shuffled her feet nervously, “I haven’t been swimming in years, but I did buy a swimsuit. I’m a little body-conscious though,” she admitted with unease.

I turned to put my arm around her playfully, “Come on Nikki. If I can do this, you sure can. Besides, you have a great figure. I’m like a short beanpole.”

She giggled, squeezing me back, “Oh please. Give it six months and you’ll have every guy in school drooling all over you.”

Thankfully, Alice interrupted before I could say something I might regret later, “Well I’m going to have to certify you both before I let either of you near a canoe,” she grinned, “But don’t worry. I can arrange for some private lake time.

“I don’t expect you to be mermaids, but I can work with you both on how to keep yourself afloat before we start teaching you how to save someone else. For now, let’s head inside and we’ll discuss everyone’s schedules,”

We followed Alice into our cabin, Nicole and I sitting on my bunk while Allison, Jennifer and Rachel sat next to each other on the next bed over. Alice handed out laminated pocket-sized camp maps to each of us then pulled over a wicker chair from one corner of the cabin. She sat facing us and proceeded to give us each a copy of our CIT schedules for the first few days.

“Since it’s just the five of you, you’ll also be able to sit in and participate in any of the other activities for your age group as well as some of the younger girls’. The idea is for you to shadow counselors during this time, while also allowing you to just relax and be girls,” she explained.

“Also, I promised Cola and Spirit I’d arrange for some private lake time if you three want to help with that. It’d just be the six of us.”

“I’m alright with other girls joining us, if there are others who feel uneasy about never learning to swim,” I offered. Nicole quickly nodded her agreement.

Alice smiled brightly, “That’s a wonderful idea. Seeing you two out of your element and not afraid to learn something new will do wonders for them too. I’ll bring it up with the other counselors at our meeting tonight. In the mean time are there any questions?” No one asked anything, so Alice ‘adjourned’ us to go have fun.

The first day of camp was apparently more about just meeting the staff and learning your way around. Several times that day I had girls approach me and ask if I could help them find where they were supposed to be. I certainly didn’t know the camp any better than they did, but I was more than happy to break out the pocket map Alice had given out.

For my part I sat in on leather tooling and woodworking orientations, and tried my hand at assisting in a basic first-aid lesson. To my chagrin it was how to treat a possibly broken ankle.

I told them the story of how I got lost in the woods a mere few yards from a major hiking trail, and how Allison had joined the Search and Rescue efforts to find me, leading to an impromptu discussion about situational awareness.

The afternoon passed quickly, with a proper advanced first-aid lesson and the beginnings of CPR certification for the five of us. Allison, Jennifer, and Rachel already had their certifications, but participated anyway in order to renew it.

Following some private lake time (And a few playful cat calls from the girls, who had never seen me in anything skimpier than shorts), we broke off again for our showers, followed by a trip to the mess hall.

You’d think I’d have become accustomed to the hushed whispers of “Spirit, ohmygosh” and “The Cali girl?” from the younger girls by now, but it was still jarring. ‘I am so not deserving of all the extra attention’, I thought.

“So how’s your first day been?” Allison asked, glancing between Nicole and me. I’d just shoveled an unladylike amount of mashed potatoes into my mouth, so Nicole answered first, rolling her eyes at me.

“It’s been great. I forgot how much I loved going horseback riding when I was a kid,”

“You ride?” Jennifer gave her a surprised glance, “How come you never mentioned that sooner?”

She shrugged, “I don’t like to think about the past. Anyway, it was just when I’d visit my grandpa’s farm, before he passed away. Robin you should come riding tomorrow!” she quickly deflected the subject back toward me.

“That sounds great. I was just telling Amanda this morning that I’ve never even seen a real horse.”

Both girls giggled. I caught sight of Alice approaching us with a tray of food, and cleared my throat, nodding in her direction. “Hi Ms. Mason,” I spoke cheerfully as I scooted over to make room.

She smiled warmly, “Hi there Spirit. Hey girls,” she said, joining us.

“I thought counselors all ate at the lodge? Y’know, with the caviar and goose liver pie,” Jennifer chided with a cheeky grin, causing Alice to crack a giggle.

“Oh, yes, I believe they do, but I’m a vegetarian. I don’t eat anything with a face,” she winked, then continued, “So, Cat, was that a guitar I saw you carrying in this morning?”

Allison nodded, “Yeah. I thought it’d be fun to break out one night this week.” She glanced down at her meal, apparently pondering the ‘eating anything with a face’ crack. It wasn’t enough to stave off her appetite for long, though.

“Well, how about tonight? We’re planning to have a big bonfire and marshmallow roast. Attendance is optional of course, but our regular musician had a family emergency and won’t be on site until tomorrow.”

Allison blushed, “Really? Nicole’s the serious musician though. I just play for fun.”

“Hey now, I’m a bassist remember? Anyway, I’m not really the campfire song type,” Nicole teased.

Allison rolled her eyes, “Oh please. I know you haven’t forgotten how to play. Just one song? Then I’ll take over for you.”

Nicole’s gaze softened as she nodded, “Alright, but just that one song, then it’s your turn girlie.”

Alice glanced between the two of them, wondering if she should ask. Nicole turned back to Alice, “My grandma was the whole reason I fell in love with music. The very first song she taught me to play was ‘Kumbaya’. I used to spend the summer at their farm just to get away from my parents,” she added.

Tears welled up in Nicole’s eyes, and Allison and Jennifer hugged her. “I haven’t played it since I left Louisiana behind, but I guess I need to stop holding onto that grief and let her go.” She heaved a sigh. Alice suddenly looked like she regretted saying anything.

She offered Nicole a sympathetic smile, “I’m so sorry Nicole.”

Nicole smiled in return, “Hey, it’s ‘Cola’, but you and Rachel can call me ‘Nikki’ around the cabin.

“And It’s okay. I don’t like to talk about the past, but this place is supposed to be all about bonding and trust, and maybe even healing. We can talk about it after the meeting if you want,” she offered.

After dinner, we filed out, heading downhill to a small clearing surrounded by split-log benches. At the center of the clearing, several counselors had begun piling wood. This was going to be a huge bonfire.

As Meredith struck a piece of flint and chunk of metal together, sparks flew into the kindling, igniting the beginnings of the blaze. I sat with Nicole and Jennifer, while Rachel sat close by.

As more girls began to join us, Allison appeared from the far side of the clearing. A chorus of claps and cheers began, growing louder as she came closer, the others realizing she was carrying a guitar case. As more and more girls trickled in, she opened her case and passed the instrument to Nicole.

Meredith stood up in front of us, grinning at Allison and Nicole before she spoke to the assembled, “Campfire songs are one of our most cherished traditions, and tonight is no different. Unfortunately our resident musician had a family emergency and couldn’t join us tonight; however CIT Cat and CIT Cola have graciously volunteered their musical talents for us.”

She nodded toward Nicole. She strummed a few notes then started playing a few bars from Hendrix’ repertoire. Meredith shot her a glare, causing a chorus of giggles.

“Sorry, sorry!” She offered then switched to a much more gentle, and camp-appropriate, ‘Kumbaya’. I don’t know quite how to describe the experience except to say that it was all incredibly surreal.

Allison, Jennifer, Rachel and I sang along with Meredith, and by the middle of the second verse the entire assembly was singing and swaying back and forth.

When she finished, a chorus of cheers and applause followed. She wiped her eyes, handing the instrument off to Allison. I put an arm around her waist and smiled, as she rested her head on my shoulder, whispering “Thanks Spirit. I needed that.”

We wiled away the rest of the evening in much the same way, enjoying the warm fire and the good company. Around nine or so, the fire had begun to die down, so Meredith stood and announced lights-out in an hour.

“Counselors and CITs, once your cabins are in order please come to the staff lodge.” She smiled, whispering a ‘Great job girls’ to Allison as she passed. Allison went back to the cabin to put away her guitar, while the rest of us went with Alice.

The staff meeting was really more of an informal status report at this point, which I imagined was just because this was only the first day. We all sat around in comfortable chairs or on sofas arranged in a large circle in the main lodge room.

It was a lodge in the true sense of the word as well, with a huge fireplace at one side. Various awards, photos, and certifications decorated the walls like a three-dimensional scrapbook.

I was roused from my silent reverie by a hand on my shoulder. “Mm?” I blinked. “Sorry, what?”

Alice smiled, “Spirit had a wonderful idea today that I wanted to run by you all,” she deferred to me. I smiled sheepishly as I tried to remember what she was talking about.

“I did? OH! Right, sorry. Um… Well, basically Alice asked me if I had ever had swimming lessons, and I told her I hadn’t. She offered to arrange for some private lake time for Cola and me to get some training in before we have to do any rescue swim training.

“I mentioned that if there were any other girls interested in a more private swimming lesson, that had either never taken lessons like me, or that hadn’t been swimming in a long time and wanted a refresher, that they’d be more than welcome to join us.”

Counselor Davis’ eyes lit up, “Spirit that’s a wonderful idea!” She practically bubbled, “I have a girl your age who confided that she has a nearly deathly fear of water that she wanted to overcome. She’ll be excited to know even one of our CITs can’t swim.” She grinned.

I giggled a little, “Glad I can help… I think.” I teased.

After the meeting, I walked with Nurse Bree and Nicole back to the nurse’s station for my last dose of the night. On the way back to our cabin, I rather abruptly gave Nicole a warm hug. “How are you holding up?”

“M’okay,” she offered quietly, “Exhausted and a little emotionally drained, but I feel better than I have in years, actually. Anyway, we’d better get back before they send out a search party.” She grinned. I just rolled my eyes, walking with her back toward our cabin.

“Hey, can I ask you something?” I asked hesitantly as we drew closer. I normally wouldn't pry into Nicole's privacy, but she did mention wanting to talk about her past earlier.

She shrugged, “Sure, what is it?”

“Well, the other day this social worker came by wanting to interview me about becoming Margie's temporary ward. She sort of slipped about a ‘Morgan incident’ that happened a couple of years ago,” I waited to see if she'd pick up from there.

She squeezed my hand as we approached the cabin. “Yeah. My birth mother decided to cause Bob and Gina grief,” she began.

She pushed the door open, and all eyes settled on us. We were still holding hands, but I didn’t care. This wasn’t a ‘girlfriends’ thing, as much as a ‘girl friend needs my support’ thing right now. I walked Nicole over to my bunk and sat with her.

“So what happened?” I offered, trying to keep the conversation going.

“Somehow, and this part still isn’t clear to me exactly, my birth mother came into a little money. Rather than using it to, say, improve her life just a LITTLE bit, the vindictive witch tried to bribe some social workers into testifying against my adopted parents.

“See, the whole reason I was placed in foster care is because my real father abused me pretty badly,” she spoke those words so casually, and yet, I still cringed. I leaned over to hug her.

By now Allison had come over to sit with us, putting her arms around Nicole from the other side.

“Nikki, I had no idea,” she offered softly. Nicole smiled a little as she nodded.

“I know, Ally. That’s the whole idea. I didn’t want you, or anyone to know. That’s why I never called Bob and Gina ‘Dad’ and ‘Mom’ before Robin came into my life though. To me, ‘parents’ were people who hurt me. Bob and Gina though…

“It’s like the harder I fought them, the more I did to rebel against them, the harder they loved me in return. I guess it took hearing Robin and Kelly talking for me to realize what real, unconditional parental love is, y’know?”

Rachel, having remained silent through the conversation, leaned over from atop her bunk above us and smiled.

“Absolutely. My step-mom is only human, and she could never replace my real Mom, but she’s still the closest thing I’ve had since I was little. Anybody can have a child. It takes love to make a Mom,” she advised with a sage smile.

Nicole laughed, “Nicely put. Anyway, I’m about to pass out,” she offered, hugging Allison and me as she stood and crossed to her bunk. She paused, glancing back.

“Thanks for listening, by the way. It feels good to just get this crap out in the open and finally just … let it go, y’know? Anyway, sweet dreams.”

Becoming Robin By Zoe Taylor Did Someone Say Luau? -/- Not-So-Public Displays of Affection   “We should survey the area. Y’know, so we’ll have something to tell them when we get back other than ‘We were cuddling on the pier’.” I winked, causing her to giggle. “Good idea.” She offered me her hand. I pulled her up, but she suddenly froze. “Um… Nikki?” Following her gaze, I slowly turned around to see Rachel standing behind me. I nearly fell right into the lake with surprise.

---

 
I suddenly found myself in total darkness. Not the kind of moon and starlit twilight though. This was an unapologetic, inky and all-consuming absence.

“Am I dreaming?” I heard my disembodied voice echo around me though I had said nothing. I felt a sudden and sharp jolt as everything around me shifted. I was sitting in the passenger seat of a small compact car. I couldn’t see the driver. Was there even a driver? We were moving fast, down a familiar street.

“STOP PLEASE!” I shrieked. The shrill sound of tires squealing pierced the urban night. I suddenly found myself as a bystander to an accident. Why did that car look so familiar? I ran to the car, now crumpled against the trunk of a large tree. I knew what I would find, but I forced myself to look anyway.

“NO!” I screamed as I sat bolt upright in bed. The warm rays of the morning sun that had begun pouring in through the cabin’s window brought me no comfort as I slowly drew my knees to my chest, burying my face and shivering.

By now Rachel had peeked over the edge of her bunk from above. She frowned, scampering down to sit beside me. “Spirit what’s wrong?” She spoke gently. I’d been at camp for two days now, and hadn’t had a bad dream yet, so this was all a little jarring for our new resident, even though the others already knew exactly what was going on.

Allison and Nicole joined Rachel in trying to console me, but I just sat there, shivering, and otherwise unmoving. Jennifer threw on her bathrobe, practically sprinting barefoot out of the cabin. By the time she returned with our counselor and coordinator Alice in tow, I had at least begun to move, albeit just enough to plant my feet on the floor and bury myself in Allison’s arms.

Alice approached and knelt in front of me, taking my hands, “Robin, sweetie, I’m here. What happened?” I slowly edged away from Allison, shaking my head. Tears stung my eyes as I began to speak, “It was awful. I-I know it’s just a dream, but it felt so real.”

I described, in graphic detail, everything I witnessed, from the horrid smell of burning rubber to the heat of the flames. Allison and Nicole continued to hold me, while Rachel and Jennifer slipped outside.

“Robin, what did you see when you approached the car in your dream?” Alice asked gently. I shuddered.

“Myself. I saw myself in the car. I thought I might see Momma, but… but I saw myself instead.”

She pulled me to my feet and put her arms around me. I collapsed against her. “You’re right that it was just a dream, but dreams are a powerful window into our feelings. You mentioned yesterday that you’re here because your mom was sick, didn’t you?”

I nodded slowly, “I miss her so much. I haven’t seen her in almost a month now, and there hasn’t been any news and I just … I feel so helpless!”

Allison and Nicole quietly excused themselves. After they left, I slowly let go of Alice and sat down again, continuing, “And I hate being like this because of what it’s doing to them. The other girls don’t deserve to have to put up with me like this.”

Alice sat beside me and pulled me close to her again. “Robin, sweetie, they’re your friends. They love you, and they’re worried about you. You can’t beat yourself up over that, or you’re only going to feel worse. Ask any one of them, even Rachel, and they’ll tell you the same. You’re an amazing, intelligent, caring young lady and they respect that in you. And you know something? I do too.”

I blinked a few times as I looked up at her. She had a smile like an angel. A good minute of silence passed between us before the door to the cabin slowly opened and Allison peeked inside. I managed a small smile as I motioned for her to come in. The others followed quickly.

“I’m sorry,” I began, as they gathered around me. Before I could continue, Rachel took me by the hand and pulled me up. I was swallowed up in a group hug as she spoke.

“Don’t be sorry. Life’s handed you a rough ride, but you don’t have to face it alone. We support each other, remember?”

Jennifer spoke up a moment later, “The ancient Hawaiians had a saying, Robin: Pupukahi i holomua.”

I stared blankly at her, “What does that mean?”

She grinned as she hugged me, “It means ‘Unite to move forward’. We progress in life as people and as friends, and we move forward as scouts, by working as a team.”

“Jennifer, I didn’t realize you studied Hawaiian traditions,” Alice said with surprise.

She laughed cheerfully as she nodded, “I’m half-Polynesian. I thought everybody knew that. Granted I really was born and raised here in Connecticut, but my mother taught me the oral traditions of the Hawai’ian people, and every summer I go ‘home’ to the islands to visit my grandparents for a week before school starts.”

I began to feel a little better. Surrounded by friends, it’s hard not to. Part of me again wondered if the others had taken Rachel aside outside though, but I didn’t have time to dwell on that. I could practically feel the gears in my head turning. I had begun hatching a wonderful idea.

Truth be told, I think I just wanted, or NEEDED something to take my mind off my grief. I must have been grinning because Allison and Nicole looked at each other, stating a united ‘Uh-oh.’

Rachel hesitantly spoke, “Spirit, sweetie? You’re scaring us.”

“Sorry… I just had what is either a brilliant or absolutely horrible idea.” I turned to Alice, “Alice, Meredith said you could help us coordinate if we felt ambitious, right?”

She nodded, waiting to see where I was going with this. I then turned to Jennifer, “And Jen, you know the oral traditions of your people pretty well, like maybe well enough to host a luau down by the lake? It wouldn’t be the ocean of course, but…”

Jennifer was positively glowing, “Oh my God, Spirit you are a genius!” Turning to Alice, she begged, “Can we do it?

Alice must have thought we’d planned this all along. We stood together and pleaded in unison, “Pleeeeeease?” We gave her our best ‘We can do this!’ smiles.

Alice laughed, “Okay, okay! I’ll talk to Director Greer, but you’re going to have to find a way to finance it yourselves. You’ll be in charge of decorations and logistics; however, the camp staff will supervise any food preparation for safety reasons.”

I couldn’t help myself, bouncing up and down excitedly with Jennifer as we hugged each other then hugged Alice.

“Okay, girls, for now don’t mention this to anyone. Mer’s going to kill me,” she muttered.

“Just tell her it was all my idea. I think she’ll understand if you explain how it all came about. She knows I’m having medical problems that cause me to be really moody,” I offered.

I caught Rachel shooting me a concerned glance out of the corner of my eye. ‘Crud,’ I thought, as Alice mercifully deflected the conversation elsewhere, “For now, you girls should finish getting dressed then head down to the mess hall for breakfast.”

It was incredibly hard not talking about the idea of having an authentic luau right here at camp. Not surprisingly I’d never been to one, but I’d read about them enough to know they were both a traditional feast and an awesome party theme.

For now, I managed to focus my attention on camp matters. I’d like to say I felt better that day. I’d love to say that everything went flawlessly, and that I was the belle of the ball of our camp. The truth couldn’t be more drastically different.

I managed to burn my hand twice while helping with a basic campfire instruction, and later managed to jab myself twice while taking a sewing lesson during arts and crafts, but the pinnacle of craptitude struck when Jennifer finally coaxed me to go horseback riding.

We were planning a day hike that afternoon to work on some more advanced survival skills, so the girls thought it would be good for me to relax and have a little fun, given the morning’s events, and I soon found myself nervously perched atop an old, brown mare named ‘Lulubelle’. Counselor Dunham had decided to join us and supervise, as the most experienced rider at the camp, while a few other girls tagged along to watch.

She had just finished instructing me on how to sit, hold the reins, and point my feet when Jennifer rode up next to me on a beautiful gray stallion. She smiled confidently, “You look like you’re about to fall off. Relax your stance a little more, and don’t lock your knees.”

“I feel like I’m about to fall off,” I responded with a nervous laugh. After some further instructions on how to guide the horse, we were off to a slow trot with Counselor Dunham walking along beside us. Jennifer rode on the other side for moral support.

My horse’s ears twitched, and she suddenly took off like a shot. I screamed in surprise, which probably made it worse. It was all I could do just to hang on.

“Spirit! Stop!” I heard Counselor Dunham’s voice behind me. I thought I could hear another set of hoof beats further back and closing, though it may have been the sound of my heart thumping in my ears.

“I’m trying!” I shouted back. “No, no, no, no, no! Bad horse! Stop!” I pleaded. The horse abruptly stopped, but I kept going. Luckily for me I landed in some soft underbrush. I just lay there staring at the sky overhead as Jennifer came galloping up, carrying Counselor Dunham. The latter leapt down and ran to my side.

“Are you okay? Speak to me!” She insisted.

I managed a weak smile, offering, “I stopped?” I groaned as I sat up, rubbing the back of my neck. “Mmmph.”

Jennifer knelt beside me, “What happened back there? Are you hurt?”

I shook my head, “I’m okay.”

By now the other girls that had observed the incident had come running over. I wanted to cry. I just knew they were going to laugh at me. To my surprise, they all gathered around and offered to help me up.

One of the older girls, a short blonde wearing silver wire-rim glasses offered a wry smile, “That happened my first time too,” she began; “Only it was a tree that broke my fall, and my old glasses.”

Counselor Dunham and Jennifer put their arms around me, the former offering, “Let’s get you to the nurse.”

Rather than saying anything in response, or even letting myself cry as I so wanted at that moment, I hobbled back to my horse, gently patted her flank, and started to climb back up again. I heard several pairs of hands clapping behind me.

Jennifer called over the impromptu applause, “See, girls, this is why we call her Spirit. When she gets knocked off, she just gets right back up and tries again.”

I was determined not to let this ruin my day. The way I figured it, I could run back to my cabin crying and accomplish absolutely nothing, or I could get back into the saddle and try and salvage some fun yet.

I did fall again once that day, as I was dismounting, but at least I was already halfway to the ground. I got up, dusted myself off, and thanked Counselor Dunham and Jennifer for the lesson, then walked my borrowed mare back to the stables with Jennifer.

I couldn’t help wondering where Nicole was though. She was one of the major reasons I even agreed to try. The bright side of the debacle came after I left the riding training field though. The blonde from before approached again, offering her hand, “I never introduced myself. I’m Elaine.”

I gave her a smile as we shook hands, “Nice to meet you.” I hesitated, glancing back toward the stables where Jennifer tended to my horse. She mentioned she’d be a few minutes, so I elected to wait for her. “So, I guess everyone’s going to have a good laugh at the CIT who can’t control an old mare, huh?” I was of course, teasing, but I think my somber mood dampened the joke.

She shook her head quickly, “Are you kidding? It took a lot of guts to get back up there and try again. Everybody thinks you’re amazing, including me.” She smiled and gave me a nervous, incredibly awkward hug, then turned to take off at a jog. I watched for a moment, calling after her.

“Elaine, hang on a sec.” She turned back toward me as I approached, “I’m sorry if I sounded like I was upset. It’s not the horse. It’s just this whole day’s been terrible all around. For what it’s worth, what you said earlier? It really made me feel better. I just wanted to say ‘Thanks’.”

She blushed, grinning as we exchanged a friendlier hug this time, “Everybody has bad days. Even horses,” she offered, causing me to giggle a little. “I’d better get going though. I have swim practice and still need to get my swimsuit.”

“If you get in trouble for being late, just tell them I held you up.” I knew camp staff held us to a higher standard, but I also hoped they’d understand I had a good reason. I waved as she left, with Jennifer coming up and putting an arm around me from behind.

“You know, horseback riding is like anything else in life. My first time surfing, I almost drowned when a rogue wave knocked me clean off my board.”

I cast her a sidelong glance, “You’re kidding right?”

She shook her head, “Nope. Dad wouldn’t let me go near the water again that summer. I was so mad. I watched all the other people having fun, and I wanted to be out there with them. I always regretted not getting my chance to get back on when I fell off, and even at that age, I swore I’d never make that mistake again.”

She gave me a cheerful smile, “Now let’s go get something to eat before your stomach starts gnawing on your spine, yeah?”

We met up at the mess hall for lunch. I noticed a few quiet stares, and one or two girls pointing and whispering among themselves. I guessed everyone had heard about my little trip into the underbrush, but at least no one was laughing. I’d take whatever small victory I could get! As I sat down with my meal the other CITs slowly trickled in. Allison looked positively exhausted.

“What happened to you?” I asked. She gave me an exasperated stare, resting her chin in her hand as she picked at her fries.

“I spent the morning helping wrangle six year olds for a swimming lesson. You?”

“Burned my hand twice during campfire instruction, stabbed myself with a sharp sewing needle I don’t know how many times, then went for an impromptu, and very brief nature ride,” I laughed.

“That was you?” She asked with surprise, “I heard there was a girl who got thrown off her horse. Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Just my pride and my inner thighs are a little bruised. Counselor Dunham said she has no idea what caused the horse to spook. I guess horses can have bad days too.”

Jennifer joined us a moment later with Nicole and Rachel in tow. Nicole especially seemed to feel badly about what happened.

“I would’ve been there, but my mom came for a surprise visit.”

I gave her a concerned glance, “Well, is everything okay?”

She nodded sheepishly as she tore into her hamburger, mumbling something around it. Jennifer laughed, “Cola, sweetie, chew, then talk.”

She swallowed her food then stuck her tongue out at Jennifer, “Yeah, everything’s okay. She just wanted to know if there was anything she could do,” she offered in a sarcastic tone, rolling her eyes.

“Of course, I told her about the…“ She suddenly cut herself off, glancing around, “The thing we’re not supposed to talk about.”

“And?” I asked, even more curiously.

“And… She said she’d talk to Daddy about it,” she quipped with a grin. “If Meredith says yes then you can leave the food to me. I don’t know if they’ll allow catering, but since this is something for everyone at camp, they can’t overlook a generous donation of food for the occasion,” she reasoned.

“What are we talking about?” Alice poked her head down right next to Nicole and me, causing me to jump. She stifled a giggle.

“Um, that thing we’re not supposed to talk about?” Nicole answered.

“Well, Meredith approved, but only as long as it doesn’t interfere with your duties and responsibilities as CITs. We’ll discuss it more at the cabin though. I don’t want anyone getting prematurely excited if things fall through.”

We all nodded solemnly, returning to our meals.

“Alice, sit with us?” I offered.

She smiled, taking the offered seat, “Thank you Spirit. I heard you lived up to your nickname today. I see what Cat and coconut girl there,” she nodded toward Jennifer with a playful grin, “were giggling about that first day.”

“I’d like to say I was trying to be exemplary, but the truth is, I knew if I didn’t get back on that horse right then, that I never would.”

“That’s the spirit!” they all pretty much responded in unison, causing me to blush.

After lunch, we retired to our cabins, but not for long. We gathered our borrowed sleeping bags and knapsacks loaded with survival gear, and headed out again. Today was the first day for Nicole and me to be introduced to advanced survival training. We weren’t going on an overnight trip, though we still carried sleeping bags to simulate the extra weight of the eventual, real trip.

Alice led us off the beaten path, quizzing us as we walked, on the various plants and the occasional animal or insect. We were instructed on selecting a proper camping spot and what to watch for in avoiding wild animals. When Nicole and I agreed on a spot that looked okay to us, Alice walked up to a nearby tree and rapped her walking stick gently against it.

“Don’t worry, there aren’t any real bears in the area, but this is what you’d see if a bear had rubbed up against it. It took a lot of work to set that up,” she added with a grin. “I figured it would be better to show you firsthand, so it really sinks in.”

We weren’t feeling too confident about this spot anymore, but Alice insisted that otherwise, our instincts were correct, so we moved on to how to set up and break down camp, how to start a fire without matches, and methods for purifying water with basic camping gear.

“And I cannot stress enough how important it is that if you’re lost, and someone knows you’re lost, you stay in one place. Many day hikers have died because they were sure civilization was just over the next rise, when they were going in entirely the wrong direction.”

Allison glanced at me, and I offered a wry smile in return. Alice looked at both of us, “Something you want to share, girls?” She asked in a friendly tone that sounded more like a genuine question than a matronly or teacher-like request.

“Spirit got lost in the woods the first day she moved to Alpine Springs. It wasn’t her fault or anything. She was just really upset and lost track of where she was. I joined the search and rescue efforts, and we ultimately found her, maybe ten or twelve yards off one of my favorite hiking trails. She’d fallen and sprained her ankle, but if she’d tried to move, it could’ve ended pretty badly.”

Alice gave me a sympathetic smile, “Staying put was the absolute best thing you could have done in that situation. It’s important not to end up in that kind of situation in the first place though, so I’m going to teach you how to get your bearings when you don’t have a compass, then I want you and Cola to guide us back to camp.”

Nicole and I stared at each other, and she nodded, “Okay, but just promise not to blame me if we get eaten by a bear.”

Alice laughed, “I promise. If we get eaten by a bear, everyone blame Spirit!” Her grin was contagious. I couldn’t help feeling better about the day as we got back into lessons. By the time the sun had began to set, we had already packed in our camp, and begun leading the others back. Several times we stopped and discussed which way we felt we had come in.

“I feel like I’m cheating, trying to remember instead of just trusting our lessons,” Nicole offered. She was preaching to the choir so far as I was concerned.

Alice motioned for us to stop, “Actually, it’s better if you can remember. Don’t rely on it purely, but don’t be afraid to trust your instincts. Of course,” she paused, patting her knapsack, “If we do actually get lost, I have GPS and flares, so you’re completely safe.”

Emboldened, Nicole and I pressed on at the lead of our group, and to our credit we actually did manage to find the camp. We came out on the far side of the lake so we had a bit more walking than either of us intended, but we had at least managed to hit the general vicinity.

By now the sun was creeping even closer to the far horizon. We were all exhausted, so Alice let us take our meals in our cabin. We drew straws to see who would carry our dishes back, and even though Rachel got the short straw this time, since it was such a heavy load between the five of us, I volunteered to go with her.

“So how are you feeling?” She asked as we made our way back to Mess.

I offered as much of a smile as I could muster, “A little better, but every muscle in my body is screaming.” I chuckles a little.

“Spirit, may I ask you something?” Her tone carried a note of unease that made me a little nervous. I managed not to drop the load of dishes and trays I carried, but I had to slow down a bit to do so. I nodded. “You don’t have to answer if you don’t want, but this morning you said your medical condition made you moody. What did you mean by that?”

I bit my lip. I promised Meredith I wouldn’t talk about it, so I began to concoct an elaborate sidestep, “It’s complicated. I’m not dying or anything dramatic. It’s just the way my medicine interacts with my body due to late onset puberty, I’m kind of going through what I should have experienced sooner,” I paused, offering nervously, “If that makes any sense. I know, I’m weird.”

She shook her head and smiled, “No, you’re not weird. And I didn’t mean to pry, either. I just wanted to see if there was anything I could do.” That awkward silence I’d grown to hate settled over us for a moment, before she abruptly changed the subject, “Oh hey, I’ve been snooping around and I think I found a great ghost story.”

“Really?” I perked right up. I spent entirely too much time reading as Robert. One day I discovered an entire section of our school library dedicated to books about ghost stories and urban legends. I never did finish my goal of reading every book in that section, but I managed a good three-fourths of it.

“Supposedly, last year a girl hanged herself in our cabin — Cabin 13. Nobody talks about it. I can’t get anything out of the camp staff, and only got the basic version out of someone who knew her last year, but it would explain all the dust.

“Anyway, it’s probably just silly camp superstitions, especially given the cabin number. At my last camp there were legends of a ghost cabin. Indian burial ground, missing children, the usual ghost story stuff.”

That didn’t really set my mind at ease, though I at least knew where my nightmares had come from, and they had nothing to do with a vengeful ghost. I hoped they didn’t anyway.

After dropping off our loads, Rachel walked me to the nurse’s station. She waited outside while I took care of my medicine then we hurried over to the staff lodge where the other girls had already assembled with Alice to discuss the party planning.

Rather than sitting on the provided sofas and chairs, we gathered in a circle on the hardwood floor. Jennifer had brought a blue spiral notebook which she placed in front of her and flipped to a clean page.

“Okay, now that we’re all here, we’ve got a lot to cover. Cola’s parents can cover food donation, but preparing a feast for that many kids might be a lot to ask of the cooking staff. What do you think Alice?”

I hadn’t even realized Alice had come back in, as she had stepped out when we arrived, and I was sitting facing away from the door. We left ample space in our circle in case any staff felt like coming to join us though, so she walked over and sat between Rachel and me.

“Well, it depends on the food. We have state-certified nutritionists on staff so I’m sure you can work something out though,” she offered.

Jennifer tapped the eraser of her pencil against her cheek ever so slightly as she pondered that. “Actually that raises another point. We need to decide how authentic this is going to be, and whether we want to do a proper luau as opposed to a Hawaiian theme party.

“And before you ask, yes there is a difference, but no, your average Hawaiian would be too laid-back to care as long as you’re not shouting curses to the Menehune. Words bring life; words bring death,” she grinned.

“What’s a Menehune?” I just had to ask.

Jennifer smiled in response, “Depending on who you ask, some revere them as wise spirits or craftsmen. Legends say they live in the hidden places, and turn to stone if touched by sunlight.”

“Ah. So um… What’s the difference between a traditional luau and a theme party?” I was on a roll, so I decided to keep the discussion going.

“Basically, the food. At a traditional luau we serve poi, roast pig, sometimes salmon brazed with pineapple juice, octopus… Although now that I think about it, just plain chicken and pineapple kabobs with maybe some coconuts and grilled bananas would work too, and would be less stress on our lunch ladi–I mean nutritionists,” she giggled.

Alice nodded, “What about entertainment?”

Jennifer practically beamed, “I can teach hula lessons to anyone who wants to learn, right there at the party, and I could perform one of the more advanced dances too. I don’t know what we’d do about music though. The PA system shouldn’t be tied up just to play music, and electronics aren’t allowed so I don’t have my MP3 player.”

“Just let me know what you need, and I’ll take care of it on that end,” Alice smiled.

“To fly my grandfather up here,” Jennifer responded with a grin, causing our counselor to laugh.

“Within reason!” she chided playfully.

A few more curious counselors trickled in as we discussed logistics. Word traveled fast, apparently. We talked cost and labor on buying plastic leis to give to every girl versus making them ourselves from real flowers next. We were about to rule out that idea rather quickly though, as there was just not enough time to get that much done, plan the rest of the party, and attend to our regular duties.

“I have a suggestion, if I may?” Katherine Smith - no relation, the younger girls’ arts and crafts teacher offered as she stepped forward from the small group of eavesdropping staff. We all looked expectantly to the middle-aged woman. Her soft brown hair, as always, sat neatly about her shoulders as she knelt beside Jennifer, looking over her notes so far.

“Why not distribute some of the load? Believe me, girls, nothing in camp stays a secret for long, and someone will figure out what you’re up to when you start decorating. I could take, say, ten minutes a day with each group of girls and let them make leis as part of their merit badge credit, then anyone else who wants to volunteer could work on extras.”

Jennifer nodded, “That’s an excellent idea. Even if every girl just made one, that would be a lot of them done right there.”

“We could probably expand that idea even further,” I offered. “I’m a klutz with a hammer, but I know we have girls here who’d be amazing at designing and building a stage.”

Rachel giggled, “And I can weave a mean basket for some citronella candle-holders,”

“That’s a great idea!” Jennifer quickly scribbled as she continued, “And I didn’t even think about candles. We can get tiki torches for atmosphere, but those candles will save a lot of grief and trips to the nurse’s station the next morning.”

We talked back and forth for some time, with the adults occasionally offering a tidbit of advice here or there; for the most part though it was just the five of us doing all the planning and logistical work. By the time we broke for the night, we had a laundry list of things to get done.

Our main goal was to ensure anyone who wanted to attend would feel completely welcome and at-home. We returned to our cabin to relax, giggling with excitement about the work ahead of us. It would all be worth it in the end.

 
Nicole grabbed my hand as we walked back toward our cabin. We had just finished our first meeting to plan the big luau for the other girls this weekend, and we had a few hours of free time ahead of us. I thought we were all heading back to the cabin, but Nicole veered us off the main trail, grinning.

“I just need to borrow Spirit for a second,” she said in her most innocent tone. In other words, we all knew she was up to something.

We walked in relatively peaceful silence down to the lake together. I never grew weary of this spot, which probably had something to do with the hiking excursion with Nicole and Allison the other week. I couldn’t help feeling a sense of peace every time I visited, and today, I desperately needed that.

I pulled my shoes off, carrying them as we stepped out onto the pier. I sat on the edge and dangled my feet in the cool water watching the sun slowly roll westward. Nicole sat beside me and wrapped her arm around my waist as she put her head on my shoulder, “Sorry. I just needed to make sure you’re really okay.”

I smiled, “Yeah, I’m okay. This has been one very hard day, but it’s turned out okay. I know the other girls are going to absolutely love this luau idea.”

Nicole laughed quietly, “I overheard Meredith say it would be a camp first, and that if we did a good enough job it might become a tradition.”

I looked over at Nicole. She had closed her eyes already, so I leaned over and planted a light kiss on top of her head, causing her to giggle, “Hey, no PDAs.” She teased.

“That was an NSPDA,” I joked, “Not-so-public-display. Nikki, thank you again for asking me out. I literally have never had so much fun as I did that night. I haven’t stopped thinking about it since, either.”

She beamed, opening her eyes and looking up at me, “We could do it again after camp.”

“I’d like that,” I offered softly, kissing her cheek this time.

She gave a whimsical sigh as she leaned into me; I gently put an arm around her.

“We are so going to get in trouble for this, but I don’t care,” I finally admitted softly. “I know you said you didn’t want a more serious relationship, but-”

She abruptly placed her finger to my lips, “But nothing. Robin, I haven’t stopped thinking about you since that night. I literally have like, one regret.”

I blinked as I turned to look at her. “What’s that?”

She answered with a quick, soft kiss, “That I haven’t been able to do that since.” She giggled, causing me to laugh. I gave her another squeeze as I drew my feet back out of the water. She looked up at me, her eyes pleading for me to stay.

“We should survey the area. Y’know, so we’ll have something to tell them when we get back other than ‘We were cuddling on the pier’.” I winked, causing her to giggle.

“Good idea.” She offered me her hand. I pulled her up, but she suddenly froze.

“Um… Nikki?” Following her gaze, I slowly turned around to see Rachel standing behind me. I nearly fell right into the lake with surprise.

She smiled, “You should’ve told me you were coming to the lake. I told Jennifer I’d come down here and pick out a spot for the party.”

“How much did you see?” I asked nervously.

She grinned, “Well, Spirit, were it ANY other girl that had been making jokes about cuddling on the pier, I’d be a little worried, but I swear it’s like the four of you have known each other all your lives. I’m a little jealous though,” she offered softly as she sat, staring out across the lake.

I sat down beside her, with Nicole joining on the other side after she finally regained her composure, “Of what?” She asked hesitantly.

“I feel like an outsider intruding on you guys. I know it’s not your fault. I just miss my old friends and my old camp, you know?”

I put an arm around her, giving her a comforting, friendly hug, “I’m sorry Rachel,” I offered. I knew exactly why Nicole, Allison, Jennifer and I were so close. They all knew, and in some way had helped me to come to grips with who I am. Even Jennifer, who I had only just met before camp, gave me confidence in my ability to pass undetected as I was meant to be.

“It’s not your fault,” she offered softly. I certainly believed it was.

Nicole scooted closer and hugged her, “Really, we’ve had like, two slumber parties and some crazy amounts of bad stuff happen to all of us that we’ve just kind of had to muddle through together. Last week Robin and Ally were attacked…”

She trailed off, biting her lip, “Crap. Robin I’m so sorry! It just slipped,” she frantically apologized. At least that was one cat out of the bag: time to tie rope around that bag and throw it in the lake.

Rachel stared at me with great concern on her face, so I explained to her about how Allison and I had gone jogging and ended up on the local news as ‘two unnamed girls’. When I finished, she slowly nodded. “So that’s why you two have been having trouble sleeping?” Well, Allison maybe. “Oh my God, I am so, so sorry.”

I offered a wry smile, “I felt violated that day. Nothing physically happened, but emotionally, we didn’t feel safe. That Saturday Ally took Nikki and me hiking. She took us to a little river running through the deep forest behind our houses, and we had brunch there, by a babbling brook.

“She invited us to join the scouts there. I guess that’s why I love this lake so much. It reminds me of that place. It’s like my little sanctuary where I can feel completely secure.”

Rachel smiled quietly, “Until a nosey bunkmate comes along and scares the bejeezus out of you,” she glanced at Nicole, who laughed.

“My biting sarcasm’s already rubbing off on you. You’ll be one of us soon,” she teased, causing Rachel to laugh.

“Rachel, Alice told me something this morning after you left. I felt guilty because of what my problems were doing to the rest of you,” I began, but she abruptly shook her head.

“Are you kidding? I was pulling Jennifer away so I could ask her if there was anything I could do. I felt so helpless,” she offered softly.

I smiled, “That’s what Alice said, more or less. She told me that I shouldn’t feel guilty because you all cared about and supported me, and just wanted me to feel better.” I leaned over to catch both Rachel and Nicole in a group hug. “For what it’s worth, I do
feel better. I’d like to stay in touch after camp ends, if you want?” Of course, Nicole’s kiss had everything to do with my feeling better.

She nodded, grinning broadly, “I’d love that. I’d love to stay in touch with all of you,” she paused, speaking ominously, “The ladies of cabin thirteen.”

We were still giggling when someone cleared their throat behind us. I looked back to see Allison, Jennifer and Alice, all with their arms folded. Jennifer grinned, “So this is where you’ve all been hiding. We were waiting like, fifteen minutes before deciding to come look for you.”

I looked over at Rachel, who smiled sheepishly, “Okay, so I lied about coming to survey the lake, but I really didn’t hear anything. I was just worried about you Spirit.” She smiled warmly as she patted my shoulder, the three of us standing.

“Sorry, girls. I’ve just had an epic bad day, but between the nature hike, the party planning, and a nice, long talk with Cola and Rose” … And an incredible kiss… “I do feel a lot better. So! Now that we’re all here, any thoughts on a party location?” There was much left unsaid between Nicole and me, but we’d have to find some privacy before we could continue that conversation. I resolved to focus on matters at-hand, for now.

We walked together back off the pier and sat in a circle on the lake’s smooth bank to discuss our options. We ultimately settled on a flat, clear area on the west side of the lake. The wide-open area presented plenty of room for tables, a stage, and maybe even a big bonfire, to say nothing of decorations, but far enough away from the main pier not to interfere with regular camp activities during the setup process.

From my vantage point in the circle I could see Counselor Dunham approach and waved. Alice turned to see who I was waving at, smiling as she stood.

“Hi Cynthia,” she offered cheerfully. It occurred to me that this was the first I’d heard her addressed by her first name. She smiled in return.

“Hi Alice. Hey girls,” she nodded to us; “I just wanted to come check on Spirit. The cabin was empty, but one of my girls said she saw you heading this way.”

I smiled as I stood, moving around the outside of the circle of girls to hug her. “I’m okay now. I think my horse just kind of picked up on my unease. I spooked her, basically,” I offered, smiling sheepishly. “I’m just glad she’s not hurt. Anyway, do you want to join us? We were just trying to decide who should go in to town for supplies.”

She gave me a cheerful smile at my offer, but shook her head, “No, I should be getting back to my girls. My extended cab pickup is at your service though.”

I smiled at that, returning to my spot in our circle. “Awesome.” I paused a moment to gather my thoughts, “You know, I’ve been thinking; we’re going to need tables for the actual feast. The stage we can build, but that’s a lot of tables.”

Alice nodded, “We could probably abscond with the ones from the mess hall that afternoon, but we’d have to arrange it with the kitchen staff so that any girls who don’t want to attend for whatever reason can still eat there.”

After walking out the area we wanted to use, and some discussion about where to place what, we headed back to our cabin. Nicole and I slowed down, walking side-by-side.

“We still need to talk,” she said softly.

I nodded. “Tonight after lights out?”

She giggled. “Aw, a moonlit stroll? You’re so sweet.” I blushed a little. Alice looked back at us, causing us to run to catch up.

Later that night, still in our bare feet and pajamas, we quietly snuck out of the cabin. Alice, it seemed, trusted us enough as CITs to not need to stay with us after the first night, and between the gentle wind outside, and Jennifer’s snoring inside, we easily managed to slip out the front without waking anyone, or so we thought.

As we walked along the dirt trail, Nicole suddenly grabbed my hand, pulling me off to the side. I found myself pressed against a tree with her lips against mine. I gave in to temptation and parted my lips as I wrapped her in a hug.

Several seconds later, she finally released me from her spell, resting her head against me. “God, I needed that.” She sighed. “Robin, I know this is sudden, but I… I think I-“

“What’s going on out here?” Rachel’s voice carried softness, concern, but it still sent a chill right down my spine. She approached us, the pale moon illuminating us easily. “The lake I could ignore, but now you’re breaking curfew,” she admonished gently.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to rat you out, but I’m not entirely stupid either. If there’s something going on between you two that could get the rest of us in trouble, I think we deserve to know about it.”

Nicole and I looked at each other, and I finally breathed a slow sigh. “Rachel, I’m sorry. We didn’t mean to keep you in the dark, but we promised Director Meredith we’d keep things low key and not talk about my past.”

“Your past? … What are you talking about?”

Nicole and I both approached her as I responded, “Let’s go back to our cabin and talk about it. I’m feeling a little exposed right now,” I said softly. She sighed, but nodded, following us back.

Again, Nicole and I sat on the edge of my bunk, with Rachel across from us on the unused, empty bed. Jennifer and Allison joined Nicole and me shortly, having apparently been awakened by our re-entry.

“I swore to Meredith I wouldn’t tell anyone about this, but there’s something you need to understand about me. To start with, I am absolutely, without question, a girl. At least, mentally and emotionally.” Rachel gave me a bewildered stare as Allison reached over to squeeze my hand.

I proceeded to explain to her right down to the last detail, from beginning to end, how I had become Robin. When I finished, I added, “If you want to have me thrown out of camp, I have only one request of you. Please, please don’t blame the others, and don’t tell anyone about this, not for my sake, but for the other girls here at camp. They look up to us as CITs, and you’re right, I should have been honest with you from the start. If not for Meredith’s strict orders that I NOT tell anyone, I would have told you from the start.”

Allison added a moment later, “Rachel, for what it’s worth, Robin’s the reason you didn’t get thrown out of our cabin the first day. Meredith realized her mistake and wanted to move you to another cabin, as the only girl who didn’t know about this, but Robin insisted on letting you stay because she respects you.”

Silence followed, as Rachel slowly shifted her gaze from one face to another, then finally settled on mine. “I knew it. I knew there was something that you four were hiding. And you two,” she nodded toward Nicole and me, “You’re dating, right?”

We looked at each other, then back at her, offering quiet nods in unison.

She turned her attention back to me. “You’re… seriously a girl?”

“A girl with a major birth defect,” I offered nervously. “I’m on medications to help transition, but I am, and always have been, ‘Robin’. It’s just taken me until recently to understand why I never fit in, why no one ever wanted anything to do with me, and why I could never…” at this point, I completely lost it and started sobbing. Rachel I think, surprised us all when she stood and quickly rushed over to hug me.

“Robin, I’m sorry. I… I didn’t know. Please don’t cry,” she said softly. I could feel the others patting my back or hugging me, but I needed a good cry. It had been a bad day all around, and now I had to out myself, breaking my word to Meredith to save any chance at friendship with Rachel.

“For what it’s worth, I don’t mind what you and Nicole do around the cabin, as long as Alice doesn’t come in. I mean, I don’t pretend to understand any of this, but if Meredith ordered you not to say anything, I can forgive it.”

I had to wonder if she meant that, or if she was just saying it to save face as the minority in the face of the others, who already knew the whole time. I stood and hugged her back, though.

“Rachel, for what it’s worth, I’ve never… I mean… I never ‘looked’. I like girls, yes, but I.. I think I love Nikki and I want to be with her.” There. I said it. I could have cut the silence with a sledgehammer.

Nicole stood up next to me and threw her arms around me, sobbing softly. “I love you too, Robin. At least, I think I do… Maybe? All I know is I feel ‘right’ when I’m with you.”

Rachel smiled a little as she hugged us both. “Really… I am really sorry.”

I managed a weak smile as I hugged her, “It’s not your fault. We’ve been trying to control ourselves for over a week now, trying to pretend we just wanted to go back to being friends, and tonight, we-”

Nicole finished, “We couldn’t take it anymore. We had to talk about our feelings and figure out where to go from here. I don’t blame you. I blame myself for not being honest with Robin sooner.”

Rachel chuckled a little. “It’s okay. We can talk about it in the morning a little more. For what it’s worth, I meant what I said the first day, Spirit. You are the most spirited girl I’ve ever met. And now that I know why you four seem so close, I hope we can be better friends now too.”

“I hope so too. For what it’s worth, I didn’t tell Jennifer. She sort of … recognized what I was taking because Allison’s sister is like me too. Born with a ‘birth defect’.” I smiled a little as Rachel glanced down at Allison, who gave a confirming nod.

“We are who we are,” Jennifer added. “Robin was scared of coming to camp because she didn’t want to ruin some other girl’s fun. But just look at how much she’s grown in the short time you and I have known her? She was scared to death of telling me what she so openly admitted to you, and I’ve been Ally’s best friend since we were five.”

Rachel nodded as she slowly climbed up onto her bunk. She lay there silently for a long moment while the others went back to bed. I just sat, staring at the empty bunk.

“Robin?” she finally spoke.

“Mm?”

“I still want to stay in touch after camp, if you’d have me as a friend.”

I smiled warmly as I stood, reaching up to squeeze her hand. I missed, but only by a few inches, squeezing her wrist instead. I laid down and curled up between my sheets. “I’d like that.”

I sat straight up in bed, gasping for air. My sheets were slightly damp with sweat. I looked around to see Allison and Jennifer staring at me with concern, and gave them a sleepy half-smile, “I’m okay. Just more bad dreams.”

Jennifer moved to sit on the edge of my bed, “Want to talk about it?”

I smiled sheepishly, “Really, it’s okay. Rachel was telling me she heard a ghost story about our cabin, and I guess my mind just ran with it.”

Rachel poked her head over the side of her bed from above me, but I held my hand up to touch my finger to her lips, “And before you say it, no, you don’t need to apologize.” I grinned, causing her to smile. “I need to learn to cope with my feelings in the waking world so they’ll stop being so insistent on invading my dreams.

“I’ll see what I can dig up about our cabin’s history though. If it’s true that a girl did kill herself here, I’d like to do something to honor her memory at the luau.”

Jennifer beamed, “Mahalo, Robin.” She hugged me.

“Mahalo… What does that mean? I’ve heard you say it before.” I asked. Rachel had begun to climb down from her bunk.

“It means gratitude, or thank you, doesn’t it?” She offered.

Jennifer nodded. “My mother’s people were described by the first outsiders as very generous, but they had no word for ‘Thank you’. I think it’s because they understood that gratitude for a kindness was expressed by returned kindness, with no need to say so. Still, I do want to thank you. You solved a problem I’d been kind of wrestling with and debating bringing up.”

“… I did?”

We all quietly waited for her to continue, “One idea I had was to do a kind of Island Princess thing, where girls from each cabin would nominate someone, and the entire camp would vote. But there simply isn’t enough time to get anything like that done, so I had put it aside as something to do if we do this again next year. I knew that girl you’re talking about,” she offered softly.

I pulled my sheets back and slid out of bed, sitting on the edge to hug her. Neither of us heard Alice as she stepped inside. “We weren’t like really close or anything, but I think we all mourned her loss in our own way. I think, given we don’t have enough time for a proper vote or anything, that it would be incredibly sweet to honor the memory of our fallen scout.”

Alice approached, breaking her silence, “What are you girls planning now? And what’s this about a fallen scout?”

Jennifer explained how I’d had another bad dream that led to our discussion of the apparently very factual suicide of a scout last year. She explained how the girl had learned she was pregnant, and couldn’t bear the thought of facing her parents when camp ended. When she spoke, it was in a reverent tone that I’d never heard her use before. It was utterly unlike her normally very laid-back attitude. She may not have known the girl very well, but it was clear she respected the dead.

“So I was thinking, since the camp just kind of swept it under the rug, that we could do something in her memory this year. I know there are girls here who remember, and it may be why so few signed up for CIT this year too.”

Alice nodded slowly, “That makes sense. I’ll… talk to Meredith. She’s not going to like it though.”

“I think it would bring some closure. It seems kind of unfair to just pretend it never happened, but I also understand where the staff is coming from as well, so I’ll respect their wishes.”

I was being awfully bold on the matter, but I felt I was doing the right thing. Even if they said no, I was still going to personally show my respects. That much I had already set my mind to do.

“Oh, speaking of which, thanks to Cynthia’s generous offer to loan us her truck, you can all go in to town this afternoon to shop for supplies. I had errands to run anyway so I already planned to bring two of you with me. Just be sure to have a complete list of supplies ready by noon.”

We all nodded and went about getting dressed. I couldn’t decide if it was fortune or misfortune that we had a modern facility on-site to do laundry. It meant we didn’t have the luxury of taking a trip into town otherwise, though it also gave us more time for the ‘total camp experience’ on the other hand.

It also meant this trip was going to be more special, as I’d get to see Margie under the guise of a costume fitting for the floral dresses we would wear for the party. For now though, we had to decide what to wear for the day! Since we’d be going to town later, I suggested we all wear our GSC camp T-shirts. Alice though, had a better idea. She asked us to wait in our cabin, and about five minutes later she returned with a large cardboard box.

“I completely forgot these finally arrived yesterday. They were supposed to be here for you all to wear from day one. Fortunately since there were only the five of you, it was easier for the other girls to recognize you though.”

She opened the box, pulling out a hunter green T-shirt with white lettering bearing the camp logo and “Girl Scout Counselor Trainee” on the front, with “Girl Scouts of America” on the back. She tossed it to me then handed out the rest.

“Whether or not you and Nicole officially join the scouts, you’re still CITs, which makes you honorary scouts. I think you should wear these with pride when we go into town today.”

None of us could resist trying ours on right away. I didn’t know how much Alice knew about me, so when I stepped into the bathroom to change, I did so under the guise of ‘needing to use the facilities’. As I stepped out, I asked cheerfully, “Hey, could someone French braid my hair please?”

As noon drew closer, we gathered at the staff lodge. I’d started something getting my hair braided, but also had the wonderful opportunity to learn to braid someone else’s. Counselor Dunham arrived first, and walked with us out to the staff parking lot. Parked beside her truck was a smaller banana yellow Toyota pickup. I had to giggle a little. It almost looked like a toy compared to the diesel-driven monster Cynthia owned.

“Sorry I’m late,” Alice offered with a sheepish smile as she approached, “Someone was bee stung so I had to make sure she’d be okay,”

I flinched, “Is she?” I hadn’t been stung since I was extremely young, but I’d been assured each time I’d been given a shot that it was a similar sensation, minus the allergic reaction venom created. I didn’t have fond memories of either event.

“Nurse Brianna’s watching it closely, but it looks like she’s not allergic. Do you have your lists?”

I held up my list, as did Allison, “Jennifer and I are on party decoration duty. Allison and Nicole are taking Rachel with Ms. Dunham to get the lumber for the stage, and Allison knows how to find my sister Margie’s clothing store for our dresses.

“Also, Mrs. Morgan’s going to meet us there to discuss food as well. Oh, we also decided to compromise on the leis. We’re going to use realistic fake flowers because they last longer and they’re cheaper, with the exception of the lei I plan to make for Crystal, our fallen scout. Even if Meredith says no, I want to make one for her, but I promise I won’t tell anyone who it’s for if she does say no,” I offered solemnly.

She smiled at that, “I admire your spirit, Spirit. Meredith wants to talk to you about that when we return, but that’s all I’m permitted to say for now. Alright girls, let’s load up!”

I saw her move toward the little Toyota, and for a moment I started to feel guilty about giggling at it earlier. To my relief, she simply pulled on the door handle. “Bree asked me to make sure her truck was locked since she couldn’t remember.”

“Wow. You didn’t strike me as the minivan type, Alice.” I offered as she shut off the alarm to a sleek-looking newer-model white van. She chuckled as the side door slid itself open for us and I hopped inside, deferring Jennifer to take the front without her even asking.

“Hey, no fair. I didn’t even get to call shotgun,” she teased as she sat. “Wow this is nice.”

It only took about thirty minutes for us to reach Alpine Springs. Apparently Cynthia likes to drive fast: a point Alice commented under her breath several times. The first thing we did was hit the party supply store. Since we were able to calculate a rough estimate of how much everything would cost, and because Alice vouched for us, we managed to get a purchase order with the promise that we would reimburse the camp as soon as we had pooled our private finances, as we did promise to pay for everything ourselves.

We ran down our list, acquiring the needed decorations, candles, and ready-to-assemble torches first. We also took great care to buy only biodegradable paper plates and cups, which is a lot more difficult a task than you’d think! But we were scouts and had to set a good example.

We pushed our two cartloads toward the checkout, where a young man, probably seventeen, stood bored at the register. He perked right up when he saw us coming, giving us a goofy grin, “Find everything okay?”

I nodded, “Almost everything. We’re planning a big luau this Saturday for our girl scout camp so we still need flowers to make leis.”

“Ah, sweet!” he responded, glancing at Jennifer with a grin, “It’s a shame it’s a girl scout thing or I’d ask if you had a date yet.” Jennifer blushed, causing me to giggle.

“Yeah, sorry, it’s girls only.” I offered.

“Oh hey, if it’s flowers you want my mom works at the florist’s. Y’know, the one on Main? Tell her Josh sent you and she’ll probably give you a discount.” I felt unbelievably thankful it was Jennifer he was trying to impress and not me, as he rang up the last of our purchases.

Alice took care of the purchase order while we loaded our bags into the carts. I couldn’t resist grinning as we left, waving at our dashing cashier. “Bye Josh. Thanks for the tip about the florist’s.” Jennifer just giggled as she waved.

“Oh my God, Spirit!” She laughed. “I thought you and Nikki were… y’know?”

“What? I was just being nice. Besides, he was eyeing you like a piece of prime rib. He so would have asked you to the party if it wasn’t a girls only thing!”

That pretty much set the mood for the rest of our trip. We stopped by the florist’s, and Josh’s mom was only too happy to help us. I was actually a little surprised they had such a wide variety of fake flowers available.

I of course also asked her about some real ones, and when I explained what those were for, she gave me a solemn smile and insisted, despite my best efforts, that Crystal’s would be no extra cost. She also gave me advice on how to keep them looking fresh until the party.

We pulled up to Margie’s clothing store, ‘Touch of Style’ shortly after Counselor Dunham. Rachel excitedly tugged me over to the truck. Not only had they gotten the lumber they needed, but something ‘extra’.

“Oh my God! Jen come look!” I squealed. Jennifer and Alice came running, and the former started laughing. Sitting in the back of the truck on top of a pile of lumber were four large tiki masks of varying style.

“Where did you find these? They look so authentic!”

Cynthia grinned, “It’s all Rachel’s doing.”

Rachel nodded, “Totally accidental,” she offered sheepishly. I couldn’t help feeling that wasn’t even half the story. Nicole giggled.

“Yeah, she accidentally flirted with a cute boy when he asked what we needed all this lumber for. Turns out the hardware store just got a shipment of these things in last week. They usually keep them on hand for summer parties like ours.

“They’re factory-made of course, but the company that makes them apparently prides themselves in making them look real.”

By now, Margie had seen us through the storefront window and come out to greet us. I practically threw my arms around her as I squeezed her close.

“Wow, Robin you look great!” She bubbled. I giggled as I introduced her to everyone, and after a round of hand-shaking and how-do-you-dos (and her practically giggling at the surprise in Cynthia’s truck-bed) she led us inside.

We must have gone through a dozen dresses each, looking for that perfect style. Jennifer settled on a gorgeous strapless dark blue dress with white flower patterns, Nicole chose a red one in a similar cut and length, with a lily pattern, and so forth. I was in the dressing room when Mrs. Morgan arrived, so I missed most of that conversation.

Nicole gave me the condensed version when I stepped out. They’d settled on sample platters of the more exotic foods, while arranging for enough ‘normal’ food for everyone to have as much as they wanted. Did I mention Nicole’s adopted mom was awesome?

We joked that Alice and Cynthia could get away with grass skirts and coconut bras, being older, but they politely declined. We did finally coerce them into trying on a few tropical print dresses though. Alice bought a beautiful knee-length white dress with red flowers, and as for me, I finally settled on a gorgeous silver flower-embroidered silk dress with a tapered hem. I knew my body wasn’t ready for anything strapless yet, but this worked well with the little bit of figure I did have.

Purchases in-hand at the family discount, we made our way back to camp, dividing into two teams. Team one, Allison and Nicole took our dresses, party supplies, and decorations to the staff lodge for secure storage, while team two began unloading the tiki masks.

They were a lot heavier than I expected, so it took Rachel and me three trips back and forth between the lodge to get them all unloaded. By the third trip, several girls had begun wondering what we were up to.

As we came out of the lodge after dropping off the last of the tiki masks, Elaine, one of the girls I met after my little riding accident the other day, came up to us, “Um, Spirit? A bunch of us have been watching you since you got back. Is it true you’re hosting a luau?”

I grinned, nodding, “Jennifer is half-Hawaiian, so she’s kind of our advisor on the project.”

“That is so cool! Is there anything we can do to help?”

“Absolutely! Counselors are supposed to be asking for volunteers this afternoon anyway, but we could really use your help carrying lumber down to the lake right now.”

As we walked, a few of the more hesitant girls finally joined us. I explained what we were planning and why we needed all the lumber.

“I’ll go see if I can get some tarps to protect everything in case it rains,” one girl offered, running off down the path, another following after her to help.I couldn’t help but grin at Rachel, who just giggled.

We made several trips back and forth that afternoon; I hadn’t realized how much wood we’d need for a proper stage. Work began immediately under the adults’ supervision, and I’d be lying to say I wasn’t truly amazed at how easily things were coming together.

I was so caught up in it all, that I’d forgotten Director Meredith wanted to speak with me. We covered up our half-finished stage with tarps and weighed those down with stones from nearby. I was hot, sweaty, and more than a little exhausted as I sat on the lake shore, Meredith’s voice shattering the silence, but softly.

“I’m really impressed with your progress, Spirit.” She offered, as she carefully knelt to sit beside me.

“Everyone’s worked together to really pull this off. I just helped put things in motion,” I offered, blushing a little.

She put her hand on my shoulder and shook her head, “I’m not talking about the party, dear. I’m talking about you. When I first saw you last Tuesday, I was sure this was some sort of camp joke in bad taste. I saw a shy, nervous girl who’d never been to camp at best. But you’ve really blossomed. The few girls who have said anything bad about you were vehemently disarmed by their peers before camp staff could even say anything.”

I looked up at her with unease, “People are talking about me?”

She nodded, “As I said, a few have had bad things to say. There are a few every year who think that because they’re not the center of attention, that they can displace their feelings onto others. You’ve pressed on and you’ve been absolutely exemplary in what a girl should strive to be.

“Alice told me you wanted to honor the memory of Crystal Grace. I was reluctant at first. I didn’t want to put a damper on things. Her cabin was sealed until we absolutely needed it for your protection. What is it you want to do for her?”

I looked out across the lake and smiled, “I’m making a lei out of real flowers. To kick off the party, we wanted to honor her spirit as guest of honor. The original idea Jennifer had was to elect an honorary Island Princess, but since we wouldn’t have time to get all the votes in, we wanted to instead honor Crystal.

“Jennifer says her people believe words can bring life, but words can bring death. I want my words to bring closure, for her memory and for any girl who still mourns her loss. I know Jen and Ally are still bothered by it, and, if you’ll forgive me for saying so, the way the camp handled her death it just feels like a lot of other girls never got to say goodbye.”

She surprised me with a gentle hug. I looked up to see a few stray tears in her eyes. “Granted.” She said softly as she stood, turning to walk away. It never occurred to me before, how Crystal’s death must have affected her. Jennifer and Allison spoke of how she’d been camp director for as long as they could remember. It must have hurt her deeply as well.

Nicole came up and sat beside me after Meredith walked away. “What was that about?”

“Crystal,” I offered with a smile as I wrapped her in a hug. “She says we can go forward with our plans.”

“Awesome.” She giggled. “So, um… You want to go back to the cabin and relax? You know, away from prying eyes? Wink wink nudge nudge?”

I laughed as we stood, grinning. “I thought you'd never ask.”

Becoming Robin By Zoe Taylor Fallen Scout-/- Of Truces and Truths   Alice came running up to me as I stood outside the infirmary, my back pressed against the brick wall. My hands and part of my shorts were stained with Amanda’s blood, and my shirt was ripped ragged at a slight angle, bearing a little of my midriff. I was in too much of a psychological shock to notice.

---

 
The fateful day finally arrived. The staff granted us permission to relax and have fun in reward for all our hard work, but as a cabin we took a vote, and decided to go ahead and go through our daily routine that morning. We still had to finish setting up for the party that afternoon, but none of us wanted to be seen as lazy brown-noses either!

A few girls were worried that, when they heard we’d be wearing themed dresses, they’d have to as well, but I assured them that we were just dressing up because we were playing hostess. Jennifer reasoned that as our guests, it was our way of honoring them. After lunch, the five of us met with our volunteers to help move several tables from the mess hall down to the lake.

As I helped carry the last table, a shrill scream echoed from somewhere nearby. I looked at the other girls, who just gave me a panicked expression. “Set it down!” I ordered, and without a further thought, I sprinted off down the path.

As I drew closer I could hear a familiar little girl’s voice screaming “It hurts!”

Amanda, the director’s niece, lay on her side clutching her knee tightly. I could see a small trickle of blood from around her hand, so I ordered one of the nearby girls, “Go to the Nurse’s station. Tell Nurse Bree to bring her kit, and hurry!” I turned back to Amanda. “Amanda, sweetie, it’s Robin.”

She looked up at me through tears, “It hurts!” she repeated.

“I know honey, I know.” I had been wearing one of my counselor trainee T-shirts, but I had to do something to stop the bleeding, so I grabbed the hem, pulling with all my might. Through sheer force of adrenaline I managed to tear a strip loose.

“Amanda, I need you to let go of your leg for me, alright? Nurse Bree’s on the way but I need to see how bad it is.”

She slowly nodded, carefully letting go of her knee. I’ll spare the graphic details, but it was bad. I carefully stretched her leg out just enough to apply even pressure with my makeshift bandage, without causing her any undue pain in case something was broken. Brianna, our auburn-haired RN came racing to our side, followed quickly by Meredith.

“Robin, what happened?” Bree asked as she opened her first-aid kit.

“I’m not sure. I heard a scream, came running, and found her clutching her knee.” I relinquished my hold on the makeshift bandage, deferring to the nurse as I spoke, “I tried to stop the bleeding, but I haven’t moved her otherwise.”

She nodded as Meredith hovered nervously close by. “Mer, go back to the station and get my backboard. The rest of you,” she shifted her gaze only momentarily toward the small gathering of girls that had seen me running past or heard the scream, “Give her some air.”

Meredith sprinted off at a dead heat while I just knelt there, helplessly watching. I wondered if it was because it was her niece that she chose me to help instead, but I wouldn't have time to dwell on it.

“Robin I’m going to need your help,” she spoke in a calm tone as she peeled away the remnants of bloody cloth.

“I didn’t know what else to do; I just knew we had to stop the-” I cut myself off, realizing Amanda was giving me a terrified stare. I smiled softly down at her then returned my gaze to the nurse.

She nodded, “Here, hold her leg steady,” she instructed. I took Amanda gently under the calf with one hand then gave her my other hand to hold, smiling at her.

“You’re doing great, Amanda. Just a little longer okay? Are you hurting anywhere else?” I tried to take her mind off what I was sure was about to be a searing pain, having been through this myself.

She shook her head slowly, “J-just my knee,” she sobbed.

Brianna proceeded to apply some antibiotic to the surrounding area, carefully and gently cleaning the wound, then layered a large square of sterile gauze across it, applying light pressure.

Amanda instinctively jumped, but I had expected it and helped brace her for it. Meredith returned with a smaller version of the backboard I had been carried out on a few weeks earlier.

“I don’t think you broke anything sweetie,” Brianna offered, “But we’re going to take you back on a backboard just to be safe. There’s nothing to be scared of.” As she spoke, she nodded toward her medical kit, “Meredith, hand me a roll of gauze. I don’t want to take the pressure off and Robin's got her hands full.” She shot me a brief, approving glance.

I gave Amanda’s hand a gentle squeeze as Meredith unwrapped the packaging from a clean gauze roll, and the two women carefully wrapped and tied it into place. Together the three of us moved the frightened girl onto the backboard. It would’ve only taken the two of them to carry the poor girl back, but she had a death grip on my hand, and I wasn’t about to try and force her to let go.

Alice came running up to me as I stood outside the infirmary, my back pressed against the brick wall. My hands and part of my shorts were stained with Amanda’s blood, and my shirt was ripped ragged at a slight angle, bearing a little of my midriff. I was in too much of a psychological shock to notice.

“Oh my God, Robin what happened?” She panted as she came over to hug me. I explained as best I could what had happened, and how I just happened to have heard the scream.

“Apparently she just tripped and fell hard. It’s a miracle nothing’s broken, but it left a nasty wound,” I said softly, “She’s lost some blood, and she’s going to need stitches for it to heal properly, but we got the bleeding under control. Bree said that if I hadn’t gotten there when I did it could’ve been a lot worse.”

Alice nodded as I put my head on her shoulder. To my credit I didn’t cry for once. I was just stunned by it all.

“I feel kind of guilty, Alice. I know it was just an accident, but if I hadn’t convinced her to come…”

She smiled, shaking her head, “Then she wouldn’t have had such a fun camp experience prior to this. It’s not like she can’t come back here. Oh, the other girls told me you took off like a bullet when you heard the scream, so you might be hearing the ‘h’ word I’m afraid.” Hormones? What did those have to do with anything?

“The ‘h’ word?”

She smiled proudly, “Hero.”

I groaned.

She led me back to the cabin where the others had already gathered to talk about last-minute preparations. You could have heard a fly pass gas when I stepped inside, for the silence that fell over them. All eyes were on me and my bloodied hands and clothes.

“It’s not mine,” I offered softly as I slowly crossed the floor, going into the bathroom and closing the door behind me. I could hear Alice’s voice on the other side, but the rush of water as I scrubbed the crimson stains from my palms drowned out any coherence I might’ve otherwise gleaned.

When I stepped out again, Allison and Nicole came over and hugged me, “You okay?” Nicole asked.

I smiled a little as I nodded, “Yeah. It all just happened so fast that I sort of needed a minute to compose myself. I’m okay now.”

I sat on the edge of my bed and set about changing out of my ruined shirt and shorts while conversation returned to the big party. When Jennifer saw that I was dressed again, she deferred toward me with a nod and a cheerful smile.

“Just as the sun goes down tonight, Spirit has something special in mind for Crystal. She and I have been discussing it in secret because we wanted it to be a surprise for everyone, including the rest of you.” She grinned.

“You all know I’ve been working on a special lei for her. I only just finished it today before I went to lunch. Meredith’s generously provided us with a framed photo of Crystal that we’ll place on-stage in its own little ring of fake flowers, honoring camp’s first Island Princess, and then I’d like someone to present her lei as a gesture of love on all her friends' behalf.”

Rachel and Nicole looked like they were about to cry as I explained the solemn ceremony. Alice was practically beaming as she dabbed at her eye as well, “I am so very, very proud of you girls right now. That sounds beautiful.”

Jennifer smiled, “And because this is a party, I’m going to bring the mood back up again by performing a hula to honor her spirit, then offering lessons to anyone who wants to learn — both to a very upbeat tempo. I found THE perfect Hawaiian CD set at the party supply store, and Counselor Davis generously loaned us her totally sweet stereo system,” she grinned.

Allison piped up, “So who’s going to present the lei?”

“That’s what we need to decide,” I responded. “I can’t do it because I didn’t know her. I wouldn’t feel right.”

Rachel shook her head, “Neither did I. I think you should do it though. I mean, this all came about because of you. You fought to get Director Meredith to say yes to this.”

Alice stood off to the side, apparently abstaining from voting, though Jennifer spoke up in her place. “Honestly, I didn’t know her that well either. Ally and I knew her by reputation, but we were just regular campers last year.

“Crystal was like this far-away standard that none of us could hope to reach,” she sighed. “Her loss left a big hole for a lot of people. I think that you should be the one to present it.”

As the evening drew closer, we filed out and over to the staff lodge. Ordinarily the other girls just used the regular shower facilities, but were allowed to shower in the private staff shower for tonight since we would be heading down to the lake as a group. I of course, still took my shower separately, but now that Rachel knew the truth it was so much easier to do so without feeling like I was hiding something from her.

Just before sunset, Jennifer stepped up onto the stage, turning off the music and grabbing the microphone.

“Aloha everyone, and welcome to the first, and what we hope will become annual, Camp Kutomanu Luau!”

A chorus of cheers and applause rang out. Practically the whole camp had arrived already. Some were standing, some sitting and sampling the food Nicole’s mother had generously donated. Two of our tiki masks flanked either side of the stage, and torches and candles burned brightly throughout the area.

“I’d like to direct your attention to the stage for our opening ceremony. When we started discussing this, there was one thing I really wanted to do, but didn’t think we’d have time. I wanted to have a guest of honor, nominated by cabins and voted on by the whole camp, to be our honorary Island Princess. Spirit, could you come up please?”

I held the portrait of Crystal against my chest along with her lei, as I approached the stage and began ascending, amid hushed whispers.

“I know what you’re thinking, and no, this isn’t our Island Princess,” she began, as I stopped beside her, ignoring the few relieved sighs and mostly chorus of giggles. I smiled as I looked out over the gathered.

“Spirit is the reason all this was possible though. We all chipped in, but it was her unyielding spirit that inspired us to see this through, and to honor someone very special to a lot of us who were here last year.

“Crystal Grace was to many of us a scout, a friend, a sister. Crystal left us at the prime of her life, and left a gaping hole behind. No one will ever replace her, or fill that void, but tonight, we the girls of Cabin Thirteen, Crystal’s old cabin, wish to nominate her as our first annual Island Princess.”

At my cue, I revealed the gold-framed portrait I had been holding against my chest protectively. It was a portrait Meredith had received by request from Crystal’s parents depicting a beautiful young woman with layered, sandy brown hair, but a vague sadness in her soft blue eyes.

I could feel every set of eyes locked solidly on me as I placed the portrait on a table on-stage where it could be prominently seen, amid a tropical flower arrangement. I bowed as Jennifer had taught me to do, as I placed the lei around the portrait.

“Aloha Crystal: we love and miss you,” she concluded, then removed the microphone from the stand, and approached me. She promptly passed it to me.

I blushed, as tears welled up. It took me a moment to even remember what I was going to say, “Mahalo, Jennifer. Thank you.” She smiled, giving me a ‘thumbs up’ and causing a few giggles around the area.

“I of course never knew Crystal Grace, but from the moment I heard her story, I felt badly for her. It felt as though the last chapter of her life hadn’t been completely closed yet. Many here who remember her never got to say goodbye.

“That’s why tonight, we dedicate this time of celebration to her, to those that loved her, and to those who will never know her. Aloha, Crystal. May your spirit know peace.”

I was in tears by this point. My one-inch wedge sandals clunked heavily against the stairs as I stepped down, and several girls that I thought had been avoiding me all week suddenly swarmed and hugged me.

“That was so beautiful,” one of them offered. It was clear she’d been crying as well.

I offered her a weak smile as another spoke up, “Crystal was so awesome. I know she’d appreciate what you’re trying to do.”

“And now to lighten the mood, I know many of you are probably familiar with hula,” Jennifer began. By now I’d managed to compose myself again. Allison and Nicole joined me as the other girls slowly trickled away.

One girl though, stayed behind. Allison shot her an angry glare, keeping her at a distance, but I hugged them both then turned to approach the girl.

“Are you alright?”

“What’s your deal anyway?” she hissed angrily. “Trying to be Miss Popularity on the back of someone you didn’t even know?”

I flinched. “I didn’t… I mean, I wasn’t-”

She snapped back, “Crystal was more than my best friend. She saved my life a week before she…” she stopped abruptly and turned to walk away. Ignoring my better judgment, I followed.

“I’m sorry if I upset you. I really didn’t mean, or for that matter want, this night to be about me. I wanted to give something back, and when I heard about Crystal, I told Jen I wanted to learn more.

“It was Jennifer’s idea to honor her as a fallen scout, and the other girls insisted I present her lei. I just made it. It should have been one of her friends, but this all came about so fast. I just… I’m sorry,” I sighed, turning to walk away.

“Wait,” she offered hesitantly. I glanced back at her and she slowly stepped closer.

She bit her lip, staring at me as if not sure what to say. “This really wasn't your doing?”

I just shook my head. I didn't want to say something that might upset her even more.

“The camp made a big fuss over offering grief counselors, there was a lot of boo-hooing, and that was the end of it. They sealed off her cabin, OUR cabin and acted like it never happened.” She started sobbing. I didn’t know what else to do, so I carefully wrapped her in a hug.

“Spirit, I’m sorry,” she spoke softly, “I don’t know if you’ve heard, but I said some pretty nasty things about you this week. I’m actually surprised I didn’t get thrown out because of it. But I wasn’t upset at you.

“I was upset at the administrators. They opened up the old cabin for you CITs this year and didn’t even tell you its history, HER story. What’s more, Allison and Jennifer were here last year, but that Rachel girl was so surprised when I told her. I was furious that neither of them told you!”

“You’re not the only one that’s hurting, though. Meredith didn’t want me to do this at first because she - or her superiors I guess - were afraid it might bring back bad memories for girls who were here when it happened.

“The thing is, what I said is true. When Jennifer talked about her, she spoke with a kind of reverence I’ve never seen in her, and it made me realize that those old wounds never really went away.”

She quietly turned toward the lake. “Crystal loved lilacs, you know. She adored them. She had this aerosol can of air freshener; you know one of those things that every time you walk by it spritzes? So that every time someone came in or out, we’d get assaulted by it.” She hesitated. “I shouldn’t have been so hard on you. Then maybe … maybe I could’ve helped with the flower arrangements.”

“In speech is life; in speech is death.” Jennifer spoke from behind us, causing the both of us to jump.

“To the ancients, you could literally talk someone to their death with curses, but you could counter another’s curse by speaking positively of someone. You can see a similar effect here in camp.

“Spirit is loved and respected by a lot of her fellow scouts because she tries to help everyone, not out of a desire to be repaid or for personal gain, but because she cares. That’s why we call her Spirit, and that’s why we chose her for the ceremony. She’s just so darn spirited,” She giggled a bit, moving to hug the girl.

“Natalie, I know you’re hurting, and I know what you’ve been saying about all of us. I hope that in some small way we we’ve helped you tonight. You would honor Crystal's memory better by being the girl Ally and I remember, not this angry, bitter person you’ve become.

“Crystal was, to me, this unapproachable figurehead. I never got to know her because she always had other people flocked around her. I understand now, after getting to know Robin, that it wasn’t her intention. It’s just the kind of person she was, that she loved everyone she came into contact with.”

Jennifer produced two white flowers, tucking one up into Natalie’s hair behind her ear, and the other in mine, smiling broadly. “Come on you two. The hula lessons are about to begin, and I want you both to get involved before people start to talk,” she winked playfully as she dragged us back.

The party was, to my mind, an incredible success so far, and it had only just begun. Several times girls came up to one of us asking if we’d do this again next session, or if not, at least next year. We had already decided as a group to donate our non-perishable decorations to the camp anyway, so we were more than happy to say that we would help put something together again.

To her credit, Natalie did seem to loosen up a little as well. I didn’t even know her name until Jennifer spoke to her, and she had never been openly hostile in my presence, but tonight she seemed genuinely friendlier. Toward the end of the night I thought I saw her take Meredith aside as well.

After Nicole and I humiliated ourselves with Jennifer’s hula lessons, we grabbed a pineapple-brazed chicken kabob each and turned to walk down the lakeside together.

“This has been so much fun. I’m really glad Jen took this idea and ran with it,” I offered, taking a big, juicy chunk of pineapple from the end of the skewer, tossing it in the air, and catching it in my mouth.

Nicole laughed, “Show-off! But yeah, I’m so glad you thought of this. What was up with you and that other girl, though? I had to practically hold Ally back when you ran off to talk to her. It took Jennifer promising to keep an eye on you after she did her girlie dancy-thing to get her to back off.”

“Apparently Natalie, and I assume the other girls that she was with, have been bad-mouthing us. I seriously had no idea until tonight. I guess I’ve just been so wrapped up in either the planning or falling off horses,” I added with a chiding smile.

“So is everything okay now? Did you do your Jedi mind trick thing on her?”

“My what now?”

She giggled. “Come on, Robin. You talked Rachel into not ratting us out. Hell, she’s even been a lot nicer to both of us since she caught us, and then you somehow convinced Meredith to let you go against the GSC people's wishes to honor Crystal.”

I turned toward the lake and sat, staring out over the calm waters. Nicole knelt beside me, sitting a moment later and giving my hand a squeeze.

“I’m nothing special, Nikki. I’m just a girl trying to get through a hard time in my life with as little grief as possible. I don’t want to see anyone hurt because of me.”

“That’s why you ARE special, though. I’m worried that you’re too forgiving, but it seems to be working for you so far, so, hey, why knock it?” She smiled, giving me a light squeeze.

As we made our way back, giving the other CITs an innocent ‘nothing happened’ smile, the party had already begun to wind down. As everyone began filing out back to their cabins, Natalie stayed behind.

She walked up onto the stage where Crystal’s picture sat. I watched as she pressed two fingers to her lips, then against the picture’s. I wondered, but decided not to ask just yet.

“We’re going to go back to the cabin,” Allison grinned as she hugged me, “Robin, this has been the greatest camp ever. I am SO glad you suggested this party!”

I nodded, “I’ll catch up with you. Hey, could you send Alice over on your way out?”

“Sure thing; is everything okay?” she asked. I smiled.

“Yeah. I’d like to invite someone to stay at our cabin tonight.”

Allison tilted her head, but nodded, “Okay, but you’re going to have some s’plainin’ to do later,” she teased.

“Spirit, you wanted to see me?” Alice approached with a concerned smile. She looked absolutely darling in her white dress, with her hair up in a faux flower-ornamented bun.

“Yeah, um… Natalie over there… Who’s her counselor?”

Alice frowned, “Did she say something to you?”

I nodded, smiling in return. “Actually she did. She opened up to me a little bit. She was Crystal’s best friend, and maybe more. They used to have our cabin before she died, and I was hoping I could invite her to stay with us tonight, if her counselor says it’s okay.”

Alice’s eyes widened as she looked between the two of us. I just grinned, “I haven’t asked her yet, but I really want to extend the invitation.”

“She has Cynthia for a counselor, actually. I’ll go make the arrangement. You just worry about the invitation.” She winked.

I waited until everyone else had cleared away from the stage and out of earshot before I ascended the stairs and spoke. “You loved her didn’t you?”

Natalie squeaked. I smiled as I moved closer and hugged her, “It’s okay. I won’t tell anyone.”

She turned to face me, “Please don’t get the wrong idea. Crystal saved my life, but even before that, she was like my sister. She made the lives of everyone she touched better for having known her. I just don’t understand why she did it. I’ll never understand.

“Robin, I’m so sorry about all this. For what it's worth I don’t think I’m going to come back to this camp again next year. Everyone pretty much hates me here because of what I did to you.”

“Well… I think I know how I can help with that.”

Her soft brownish hazel gaze settled on my face. “You’ve already done enough,” she offered softly.

“Well I’ve already cleared this with our counselors. … Natalie, would you like to stay at our cabin tonight? We have an empty bed since it’s just the five of us.”

She stared at me for several seconds. “You’re… serious? You’d seriously let me stay in your cabin? But you’re CITs. I’m just-”

I interrupted her, “You’re just like us; regular girls who came to camp to have fun. Look, I don’t know what you’ve heard about me, but a month ago, the idea of me in a place like this was completely laughable. I’ve never been outgoing, and until I moved to Alpine Springs, had literally zero friends I could turn to.”

“So what happened to change all that?” She asked softly, a new curiosity in her tone.

“I stopped hiding myself, and I mean my true self. I let one person see me for who I truly am under all the grief I’ve been carrying, and it changed my entire life.”

She turned back to the photo and picked it up, speaking softly, “Just like Crystal.”

“Meredith gave me permission to place that in our cabin, if you want to do the honors.”

She smiled as she threw her arms around me. I hugged her gently back, and together we started walking back to the cabin. Meredith stayed behind to snuff out the torches and candles. For a brief moment, as we reached the main path, the wind shifted. I could swear I smelled a faint lilac fragrance. I looked over to see a stray tear roll down Natalie’s cheek.

“You smelled it, didn’t you?” I asked. She tearfully nodded.

When we arrived at the cabin she stared silently. I slid a comforting arm around her and stood beside her. I wondered if I had made a mistake.

“I can’t… I can’t do this. I can’t go in there and face them,” she said softly.

“Yes, you can. We can. Jen’s forgiven you already. The others will too. Besides, you’re not alone.”

She glanced down at me, being the taller and older of us, and smiled a little, “I guess you’re right. I’ve been running away from my pain, even making others miserable ever since that day. It’s time I stopped running.”

“That’s the spirit,” I offered, echoing the words that I’d heard so much this week. I took her by the hand and carefully led her inside. Everyone was in various states of undress getting ready for bed. Allison had just come out of the bathroom with toothbrush in-mouth. She stopped mid-brush, staring at us along with the others.

“Everyone, this is Natalie. She was Crystal’s best friend, and this was their cabin. I invited her to stay tonight.”

Allison bolted back into the bathroom and slammed the door behind her. Natalie started to turn to leave again, but I grabbed her arm. I wasn’t about to let her leave now.

“Just… wait here a second. Jennifer, Rachel, don’t you dare let her go,” I practically ordered. I refused to let this go unsettled.

Natalie turned to me, her eyes pleading, but I could not, and would not relent. I walked over to the bathroom and knocked.

“Ally? It’s Robin.”

Silence followed. I tried to open the door, but she had locked it tight. “Stop it Robin! I won’t have HER in our cabin! Not after the way she bad-mouthed you this week!”

“Allison Jones!” I snapped at her. I’d never had cause to be angry with her before. Actually, no one in our group of friends had ever seen me angry before. I think it scared them just a little.

“Natalie is my guest. You of ALL people should be able to appreciate the magnitude of what that means. I trust her, and I’m asking you to do the same. At least hear what she has to say.” I softened my tone considerably, “Please?”

By now Jennifer and Rachel had moved to Natalie’s side. I half-wondered if it was for her protection more than for my request not to let her leave yet. A few seconds passed, then several more.

Finally, the bathroom lock clicked, and Allison slowly stepped out. I pulled her close to me and kissed her forehead, “Ally… Crystal was Natalie’s Allison.” I hoped she’d understand what I meant by that.

She shot her gaze between me and Natalie, and reluctantly sighed, motioning for Natalie to approach. The other girl meekly stepped closer.

“Look, I’m still angry at you, and if ANYONE else had pulled this they’d be lying flat on their ass with several teeth missing right now. But Robin is like my sister. I literally trust her with my life, so I’m willing to hear what you have to say.”

Natalie nodded slowly as she insecurely hugged the picture frame close to her. “Fair enough.” She offered softly. She nodded toward my bed, “May I sit down? This was her bed.”

 
To say that I found the idea of having slept in a dead girl’s bed all week unsettling would be an understatement, but I resolved to deal with those feelings later. Right now I had a cease-fire to negotiate.

I had managed to calm Allison down enough to listen to what Natalie had to say, but I knew I was on unstable ground, even with her. I knew what made her so over-protective of me, and only making her heed my words, that Crystal and Natalie had shared a similar relationship, could even get her to hear Natalie out. Rachel, Nicole, and Jennifer had apparently decided to stay right out of it, so I was on my own.

The way our cabin was set up, there were three sets of bunk beds. Rachel and I shared a bunk on one side, Jennifer and Allison on the other, and Nicole bunked on the top bunk across from mine. Allison sat on the empty bunk across from where Natalie had asked to sit, where Crystal used to sleep, and I, still in my silver dress from the ceremony, pulled a wicker chair from one corner and sat between the two of them.

“Alright, I’m listening.” Allison offered more gently this time. She still held a bite of anger in her tone, but I could tell she was at least trying now.

Natalie cast an uncertain glance at me, and took a deep breath, “Alright, Allison you and Jennifer were here last year. You know the camp version about Crystal. It’s the abridged version that I told Rachel when she started snooping around.” She nodded toward Rachel, who cringed, offering a wry smile.

“Don’t worry. She’s innocent in all this. Everything I told her is the absolute God-honest truth. But I didn’t tell her the whole story either.”

She turned the portrait back toward us, and for the first time I looked, and I mean really looked at it. Crystal was a pretty girl with flawless skin and dusty brown hair, but there was something about her eyes. They seemed, to me, to be so full of sadness for someone smiling so brightly.

“I didn’t tell her how Crystal would, no matter what kind of day you were having, always greet you with a hug and a smile. I didn’t tell her how,” she paused, sniffling, “How she obsessed over lilacs. She had a motion-sensing air spray thing she put by the door, so that every time you’d open the door, it’d go off and spray lilac scent in the air.”

She paused a moment to smile at me, then continued, “And I didn’t tell her, or anyone else, what I was doing the day she found me and got me to safety. Everybody thinks I mistook a wild poisoned mushroom for an edible, but that’s only half-right.”

Allison gave a soft nod, “I remember that,” she said quietly, “And how Crystal carried you on her back to safety after she found you, I think?” I remembered Allison mentioning that on our nature hike, but like everyone else, she apparently assumed it accidental as well.

“Yeah. I heard some wild local mushrooms were good for a trip. It was a trip I almost didn’t return from. All I remember is Crystal visiting me in the hospital. She told me never to scare her like that again. I guess it didn’t work both ways though because that very next week…”

I moved from my chair to her side, holding her close and letting her rest her head on my shoulder as she cried.

“We were supposed to get together after camp. I was going to try and convince her to dump that jerk she was dating,” she sobbed.

She was in no shape to continue though, so I finished for her, “She was upset that the camp staff just swept it all under the rug. They sealed off this cabin and acted as though nothing had happened.

“It wasn’t me she resented, Ally. It was the way Crystal’s death was treated. Opening up the cabin again for us without telling us what had happened here was just pouring salt on the wound.”

Natalie gave a slow nod as she tried to clear her throat and speak, “I talked to the Drag–I mean, Meredith about it tonight. She told me you all felt the same way Spirit did about wanting to honor Crystal’s memory. I apologized to her for the trouble I caused, and to Spirit.

“This whole… coming here thing though, was Spirit’s idea. I wanted… God I wanted to see this cabin again so badly, but I knew there was no way you’d all let me in, especially after the way I treated you. I’m sorry.”

Slowly, she stood and walked over to the window. She set the picture frame against it, kissing her fingers and touching them to it, then turned to leave.

“Natalie, wait.” Allison offered as she stood, moving to follow.

“Robin… saved my life too.” She started. She then took Natalie’s hand, pulling her back to sit on my bed while she explained about the incident a week ago. Through tears she talked about how I ‘bravely’ pulled her from danger and got us to the safety of the Harris’ home.

“I love her like my own sister, and… maybe I was reacting out of my insecurities, my hate for the guy that tried to hurt us. I’m sorry too.” She finally offered.

I smiled as they hugged each other and knelt beside them. “The offer still stands if you want to stay here tonight, Natalie. You can use Crystal’s bunk if you want.”

She looked up tearfully, “Really? You’d let me do that?”

I nodded, “I wanted a bottom bunk because I’ve been having problems with nightmares. It’s mine to give, so to speak.”

She leaned forward to hug me, which nearly caused me to fall backwards. I caught myself and hugged her back, “You’re welcome.” I offered softly.

Alice seemed to have an innate sense for knowing when to come in. That and I suspected from day one that she liked to eavesdrop and plan her entrances.

This one was no different, as no sooner had I said that, she came inside, smiling warmly. I didn’t notice initially, but she had a bulky black backpack slung over her shoulder.

“I trust everything is in order, girls?”

I smiled over at her and nodded, “Alice, we don’t have to go to a meeting tonight do we?”

Alice smiled as she shook her head, “No. We’ve already taken care of that. You girls did such a wonderful job with the luau and with Crystal’s memorial service, and since you refused to take the morning off too, we decided to cut you some slack. Oh, there is one thing though. Natalie, I have to swear you to secrecy about something.”

Natalie nervously stood, approaching, “Um… Okay, what about?”

Alice raised her hand, “Raise your right hand and repeat after me. I, Natalie Poole, do solemnly swear that I will not repeat to anyone,” she echoed Alice’s words, but at the next part, she went a little wide-eyed, “That the beautiful, talented, incredibly cool,”

“Don’t forget modest!” Jennifer teased.

She laughed, continuing, “Modest! Counselor Mason made a junk food run for CITs and their honored guest.”

With a giggle, she slid off the black backpack and opened it. Potato chips, both baked and fried, as well as a couple of quart containers of ice cream awaited. I had to laugh.

“I thought you said your name was Alice, not Kristina Kringle,” I teased.

“This is a one-time deal. When Spirit told me what happened between you two tonight, and asked if you could stay here, I decided to do my little part to make tonight special and raided a few secret stashes.”

I couldn’t help giggling, as I glanced over at Allison, “Hey, you didn’t bring your nail polish did you?”

She grinned, “Not the whole shoe box, but I packed about a quarter of my stash; y’know, just in case. You thinking what I’m thinking?”

Rachel gave us a confused look, but Jennifer and Nicole started giggling, cheering in unison, “SLUMBER PARTY!”

Nicole continued, as she pulled Rachel over, “Robin and I had our first sleepover the night that she convinced me to go to a rock music camp instead of staying home and getting stoned while feeling sorry for myself about my jerk boyfriend dumping me.

“The next week after I came home, we went out for THE most romantic, magical night of my life.” She abruptly paused, blushing as she glanced at Alice, “Um… Could you maybe pretend you didn’t hear that?”

Rachel giggled quietly as Alice nodded, “Just be more careful in the future.”

Natalie looked between Nicole and me, but with Alice present she didn’t ask what I know she wanted to. I did give her a soft smile and a confirming nod though, and left it at that.

Jennifer added next, “Yeah, and last week I got in on the fun when I met Robin for the first time, and we had another slumber party to celebrate the coming camp. So now it’s your and Natalie’s turns to be our guests of honor.”

Lights out was usually at ten, but we were all far too wired to think about sleep until well past two. We completely wiped out the ice cream and most of the potato chips, and for the first time that week, Alice was more a friend and confidant than a counselor. We knew tomorrow things would be back to normal again, and enjoyed that night for all we could.

Natalie even opened up about what Crystal was like. She told us stories about her love of music and animals, and how she would’ve been a second year CIT. Natalie resolved to come back next session as a CIT, and promised she’d do her best to get others involved.

I got up some time during the night to use the facilities, and when I came back out, Natalie shifted in her sleep. I leaned over to kiss her cheek softly, and smiled at the portrait, illuminated from behind by the full moon. “That’s for you Crystal; rest in peace.” I offered softly, crawling back into bed.

I never smelled the lilacs again, at least not without there being a definite source, but I made up my mind that when I returned home, I was going to plant a bush in Margie’s front yard and see if they’d grow.

I didn’t remember my dreams that night, but the other girls told me after I woke up, that I had been smiling. That at least, was something. Natalie for her part, stayed around and talked with us some more.

I think she still felt guilty for the way she’d acted before. I’d promised to help her turn her reputation around, and even got the others in on that, so rather than letting her run off to go back to her cabin alone, I got dressed and walked with her.

I left her at her cabin to head down to the nurse’s for my morning dose of becoming-a-woman, but rejoined her by the time she came out again, much to her bunkmates’ surprise.

“Hey girls. We’re just heading down to breakfast. We were up, like, way late talking last night,” I offered as I wrapped Natalie in a hug, leaving them utterly speechless. Natalie actually giggled a little as we walked away.

“Ice cold, girl. That was ice cold.”

I beamed, “They need to see for themselves that we’re friends now. They can ask the how’s and why’s later.”

I was really proud of what I’d accomplished. They say that the greatest victory is not to defeat your enemy, but to turn your enemy into your friend, and with Natalie, I’d done exactly that. I’d done more than that though because I’d helped heal an old wound, and started a new camp tradition.

I saw Amanda again that day as well. I hadn’t seen her at the luau, but with most of the camp there that was to be expected. Her cut had begun to heal, and she wasn’t having too much trouble walking.

Wednesday afternoon, we had just returned from a wilderness expedition. We were already sweating in the mid-afternoon sun, but we learned a lot, and had a fun experience overall. As we hiked back into camp, Natalie came running up to us.

“Spirit there you are!” She sounded out of breath, “I’ve been running all over camp trying to find you. Meredith needs to see you, like, this morning!”

“What’s this about?” I asked.

Natalie gave me a sympathetic smile, but shook her head, “She wouldn’t say. She just said it was urgent. I’ll take your pack back to your cabin if you want. She’s at the staff lodge.”

I slid my pack off and handed it to her, but not before hugging her, “Thanks so much. I owe you one!” I called, as I sprinted off down the path. A month ago, just five minutes of jogging would have had my calves begging for mercy, but now, this was just hitting my stride.

I rounded the corner of the staff lodge, up the front stairs. I stopped right in my tracks though, seeing Margie sitting on one of the sofas with Meredith across the way. I could tell from there that Margie had been crying, and I wondered if someone had found out the truth.

“What’s going on? Am I in trouble?” I asked nervously as I entered.

Margie looked up and smiled warmly. “No, Robin, you’re not in any trouble.” She said with a certain cheerfulness in her tone that I hadn’t heard since before Mom’s accident. She stood and closed the distance quickly, enveloping me in a hug.

“Kelly called this morning, sweetheart.” She said softly. My breath caught in my throat as I waited for what came next: “Linda’s awake.”

Those two simple words flooded me with such unbelievable, unspeakable relief. I broke down and started sobbing.

I had come to grips with my guilt earlier that week and finally managed to let go of it, but this was still such an incredible relief. I felt as though a ten ton weight had not only lifted off my shoulders, but then hurtled into the farthest reaches of space never to be seen again.

She carefully led me back to the sofa where I stayed glued to her side for several minutes. I finally managed a choked up whisper, “When? How?”

“Kelly said that when she came in to check on her before heading home for the night, she leaned over to squeeze her hand, and Linda squeezed it back. It was all she had the strength to do yet, but it got her attention. She ran back down the hall and grabbed the first doctor she could find to make sure it wasn’t just an involuntary muscle movement.”

“So it wasn’t? I mean, she’s really awake?”

She nodded with a grin. Meredith, who had been sitting silently close by gave us both a warm smile. She quietly excused herself and stepped out of the room. I watched her leave then turned my gaze back to Margie. “I have to get back home,” I stated. It wasn’t a request or a suggestion.

Margie smiled as she nodded, “Meredith said that given the circumstances, she's more than happy to vouch for you leaving early when it comes time for you to become an official Scout.”

“I need to talk to the other girls. I need to let them know why I can’t finish camp." I felt, in a word, bubbly. I never felt such an absolute peace in my life.

“Do you want me to go with you?” Margie offered.

I shook my head as I grinned, standing. “No, I’ll be okay. Thank you though!” I bent down to hug her and practically raced out of the lodge. I nearly bumped right into Meredith as I rounded the corner.

“Oh, excuse me Director Meredith. I was just on my way to tell the girls the good news!”

“Robin, what’s going on? Meredith said she couldn’t tell us anything and that we had to hear it directly from you.” Allison came running up the path with the others not far behind. I giggled as I threw my arms around her.

“It’s about my mom,” I started sobbing again as I hugged her. “She’s awake!”

Allison squealed right in my ear as we hugged again, the other girls racing over next.
“She’s awake!” Allison bubbled excitedly, resulting in my getting lost in a massive group hug.

“I have to go, though. I mean, I’ve been waiting for this day for almost a month, constantly wondering, hoping, even praying, and now it’s finally here, and I can’t help but feel bad for abandoning you all like this though.”

Natalie shook her head. “Don’t, Spirit. Don’t feel bad for us. As you said, you’ve been waiting for this day. I mean, this is your mom you’re talking about. You need to get your butt back to California as soon as possible. Besides,” she glanced at Meredith, “If it’s alright with Meredith, I’d like to help pick up the slack around here the next few days. Maybe I can get a few more girls to come back for official CIT next session.”

I smiled at that as I hugged her tightly. “Thank you so much, Natalie,” I offered. “Allison has all my contact info. You and Rachel can get it from her. Right now I have to go pack.” I then gave everyone a hug in-turn, including Meredith and Alice.

I went back to the cabin to gather my things, though I had to stop as I noticed Crystal’s portrait. I picked it up.

“I don’t know that you had anything to do with this or not, but helping your friends cope with their grief helped me to cope with mine. I’ll never forget you, or the lessons I learned at this camp,” I said softly, setting the portrait back on its window ledge.

Nicole stepped inside, approaching me. “I want to go with you,” she stated insistently.

“Nikki…” I started to protest. I sighed, sitting on the bed.

“You don’t want me to go?” She asked as she sat beside me and wrapped me in a hug. I laid my head on her shoulder.

“No, I do want you there, more than anything! It’s just … I don’t want to drag you away too. If I could I’d bring you all, but I couldn’t do that to you guys. Mom’s got a long road ahead of her.”

“Robin, sweetie? Did you forget what I told you on our first date?”

I blinked, looking up at her. “That you’re adopted?”

She laughed. “No, goober, that my parents are loaded. Daddy has access to, like, tons of frequent flyer miles. Just say the word and you and I can be out to Cali in style by tonight.”

“You’re kidding right? I mean, I’m honored, but-”

She cut me off, though it wasn’t her finger she pressed to my lips this time. I smiled at the sudden kiss. She giggled, “Look, I already talked to my parents about this awhile ago. I asked them nicely if there was anything they could do for you when your Mom finally wakes up.

“Like I said before, I’ve never asked them for much, so they know when I do want something, or someone, it’s serious.” She winked, kissing me again.

“I love you.” I blurted without a second thought as I hugged her tightly.

She giggled. “Love you too. Now come on. Let’s go say goodbye.”

After saying one last goodbye to our friends, both old and new, Alice walked with us back to the parking lot. I decided I desperately needed a shower, so I took one last quick one in the staff facilities, changing into my CIT T-shirt and shorts afterward.

After I placed my and Nicole’s suitcases in the trunk of Margie’s car, Alice wrapped me in a gentle hug. I hugged her right back and smiled.

“Good luck in all you do, Spirit. I hope you come back here next year.” She practically radiated cheerfulness. “For what it’s worth, I certainly will be. This was my first year to volunteer at this camp, and I’m very happy I did.”

“One way or another, I’ll definitely be coming back, whether it’s convincing Mom to move out here, or just coming to spend the summer with Margie. Take care of the others for us?”

She laughed, “You know I will, dear. Tell your mother we’re all pulling for her to make a full recovery.”

I smiled as I opened the back door for Nicole, closing it behind her and seating myself. Margie and I stared at each other for several seconds just grinning, basking in the unbelievable relief we both felt. Slowly, we rolled out of the parking lot. I looked out the window, watching Camp Kutomanu fade into the distance.

Bob and Gina both met us at the airport that afternoon. Nicole and I practically sprinted to meet and hug them.

“Thank you so much for setting all this up,” I offered through tears, kissing Bob’s cheek lightly. He blushed just a little as he smiled down at us. “Anything for our little girl. Besides, we’ve been building up unused miles for awhile now. We could fly to Europe several times over, but Nicole never wanted to leave Alpine Springs until now.”

Flying coach on a commercial airline had NOTHING on flying first class! I couldn’t believe how comfortable and accommodating everything felt! I also couldn’t believe we managed to get a flight that night.

Bob must have pulled some strings somehow, but I didn’t dare ask. Nicole and I stayed right by each other’s side for most of the trip, arriving in San Francisco mid-evening, courtesy of the time zone weirdness.

I knew I’d need to drop off my things and freshen up before we visited the hospital, so after parting ways with the Morgans at the airport (minus Nicole of course), we rented a car and headed ‘home’.

Everything was precisely as I’d left it. My book lay haphazardly on the table, and a half-empty glass of VERY stale red cream soda sat on a coaster nearby. I turned and gave Margie a quick hug. “I’ll just be a minute. Nikki, just make yourself at home if you want.”

I never thought I would actually miss the sea of pink. Entering Robert’s room literally felt like entering Robert’s room. It didn’t feel like mine anymore.

The bed was mine, and the desk was mine. The unisex dresser was mine, and the dark wall paneling was mine, but it at the same time, it wasn’t. I set my suitcases down, digging out my makeup kit and hair brush.

I heard Nicole’s voice in the hall. “Can I come in?”

I glanced over, calling back. “Sure. I just need to do my makeup. I won’t be a minute.”

As I sat at my desk, I emptied the contents of my purse, grabbing my compact and lip gloss. I angled my mirror just in time to catch the surprised look on Nicole’s face.

“Not what you were expecting?”

She laughed. “I guess I just sorta got used to the pink. This is… Um…”

“Boring. I know. I’m kind of hoping we can sell this house and move back to Connecticut. Margie has that spare bedroom and everything. I could take a summer job to help pay bills, and Mom could get disability while she’s recovering.”

Nicole ran across the boring, brown carpet and threw her arms around me. “Oh that would be wonderful! I don’t think I could stand having so much distance between us for very long.

“And like I said, earlier, the folks have tons of miles built up. I mean, I’m not saying we pack your mom up and cart her off now, but when she’s well enough to travel, it’d be a lot more comfy flying first class.”

I smiled as I capped my lip gloss tube and put everything away again, then turned to stand and wrap Nicole in a tight hug. For the first time in our relationship, it was me that kissed her: a soft, sweet, subtle kiss between girlfriends, and for once in this last two weeks, not ‘just’ girl friends. I smiled at her surprise.

“Um… Wow. You’re welcome?” She giggled.

“C’mon, you nut. Let’s go let Margie know we’re ready. God I’m so nervous.”

As we pulled into the parking lot of the hospital, I flipped down our rental car’s built-in sun visor mirror, taking just a moment to touch up my lip gloss. Margie watched in silent amusement.

“What?” I stared at her a moment.

She giggled. “You. It’s just amazing how far you’ve come. I’m just really proud of you, and Linda will be too. Are you ready to go see her?”

I nodded quickly. “A little nervous still, but I keep thinking about what Kelly said. She’s my mom, and I’m her only child.”

Margie nodded. “Smart girl, that Kelly.” She winked, causing both Nicole and me a giggle as we stepped out of the car.

Everything felt so incredibly surreal. Even just entering the hospital should have been a terrifying experience for me, but it felt almost calming now.

Margie walked over to the reception desk, while Nicole and I went to take a look around the gift shop. We were in such a hurry to get out here, I hadn’t given a second thought to a proper gift.

“Oh, that’s so cute!” I reached out to catch Nicole’s arm, pointing to a little ceramic painted figurine of a Victorian woman holding a little girl with black hair. I picked it up without even inspecting the price tag.

Nicole laughed. “Not really my thing, but I bet your mom’ll love it.”

We added a balloon and flowers to our purchases, then met up with Margie at the elevator. To my surprise, Kelly met up with us as we stepped off at our designated floor. She was dressed in her familiar pink hospital scrubs, but now bore a new nametag, declaring her status as a Registered Nurse.

“Hey you two. Trina phoned from downstairs to let me know you were coming up. How was your flight? Oh, hey Nicole!” she exclaimed at seeing Nicole bringing up the rear.

“Awesome. Nikki’s parents sprung for first class tickets! I didn’t ask what Bob had to go through to get them on such short notice.” I beamed, wrapping Kelly in a hug. “How’s Mom?”

She smiled. “Better. She’s still pretty weak, but she’s able to talk now. Robin, there’s something you should know,” she hesitated. I looked up at her with concern, but she deflected it with a soft smile.

“While she was comatose, I came by for an hour or so every night and talked to her. I didn’t know if it would help, but I’ve been talking to her about you, and about your new life,” she paused, grinning at Nicole, “And your new girlfriend.” I began to wonder if everyone but Nicole and I knew how we felt about each other even before we stopped trying to fight it.

“This afternoon when I came to check on her and bring her lunch, she asked me when she’d get to meet her daughter.”

And this was why I went easy on the makeup. Tears welled up as I stood there, stunned absolutely speechless. I leaned into Kelly’s embrace, as Margie and Nicole put their arms around the both of us.

Kelly carefully guided me down the hall, into the intensive care ward. We stopped just outside, and Kelly turned to smile at me. “I’m just going to go and see if she’s awake first.”

I nodded, smiling as she stepped inside. When she didn’t immediately return, Margie stepped inside next, leaving Nicole and me outside. Several seconds passed, and I began to worry that something was wrong. Finally, I could wait no longer, and squeezing Nicole’s hand, I pushed the door open, cautiously peeking inside.

Kelly and Margie stood on the far side of the bed, grinning at me. Mom looked over and smiled, tears rolling down her cheeks. Most of her minor wounds on her arms and face had healed, leaving some minor scarring, and only the large bandage around her head remained.

I had the feeling I had just been set up, but I didn’t care. I ran into the room, carefully leaning over to wrap my arms around her.

“My baby,” she whispered softly in my ear as we both cried. “You look so beautiful.”

“Mommy!” I squeaked. I hadn’t called her that since I was four, except in my dreams, but as naturally as it slipped out, it seemed kind of fitting. I stood for a full minute over her, hugging her tightly.

“How much do you remember?”

She smiled as she reached a hand up to cup my face in her palm, “Bits and pieces. It’s not important now, sweetheart. What’s important is you. I’ve waited so long to see you smile so brightly.” She looked over at Margie with a smile then glanced toward the door. “Who’s that?”

I smiled broadly as I set the gifts I’d bought earlier on the bedside table. “Momma… There’s someone I want you to meet.”

I looked back at Nicole, who stood hesitantly at the door. I grinned, motioning for her to come closer, immediately grabbing her hand and squeezing it gently. “This is my girlfriend, Nicole.”

Nikki blushed as she moved closer. “Call me Nikki; it’s nice to finally meet you. Robin’s talked about you so much.” A few stray tears rolled down Nicole’s cheek as she put her arm around me, smiling down at Mom. “We’re all so relieved you’re okay. Our counselor Alice said to tell you the whole camp’s pulling for you.”

Mom stared at us oddly, only now beginning to realize we both were wearing Girl Scout Counselor Trainee T-shirts. She practically beamed. “You have to tell me everything I’ve missed,” she said softly, squeezing my hand.

Kelly grinned, “I’m going to go talk to the head nurse about extending visiting hours. You all just make yourselves comfortable.”

As she stepped out, I began to relate to her everything that had happened since leaving California behind. I did, for my part, leave out the incident with the psychopath because I didn’t want her to worry needlessly.

She lay there silently as she listened, smiling over at Nicole as I described our magical first date, and our hopes for many more to come.

When I finally finished with the details of how my time as a Girl Scout had progressed, she smiled knowingly.

“So you’re a Girl Scout now, are you?”

I nodded, smiling proudly. “Honorary, but they wanted us to officially join, too.”

“And a trainee Counselor? Well… Far be it for me to keep you away from your fellow scouts. As soon as I’m strong enough to get out of this bed, I’ll start looking for a buyer for our house. I need a vacation anyway.” She chuckled weakly.

“… Really?!” I gasped. It was all I could do not to crush the poor woman with a hug, Nicole racing around the other side to hug her as well.

It would still be some time before she could be discharged, and even longer before she could realistically go back to work in such a high-stress position, but we’d cross that bridge when we came to it. For now, I was just happy to have her back, and she, it seemed, to finally see her daughter smile.

Becoming Robin By Zoe Taylor Things Left Unsaid   “Ally,” I began, as I slowly pulled myself out from under the covers and gave her another hug, “There’s something I’ve been wanting to say to you, but I didn’t know how you’d react. I was scared I’d push you away.” Her expression shifted, now a mix of uncertainty and concern, as though she knew what I wanted to say. “We need to talk about the incident.”

---

Author's Note:
While Becoming Robin is "officially" finished, there were a couple of key plot elements that were left unresolved. I had planned all along to write an epilogue semi-standalone chapter to tie up these loose ends and provide closure.

Due to the nature of the ending being drastically different from what I had originally written (and, in my humble opinion, MUCH better this way ;-)), I had to completely rewrite the epilogue piece. I've tried to capture the spirit of the novel here, while answering some final questions, and giving Allison and Nicole a chance to breathe now that Robin's crisis has passed.

On a final note, the scene with Andrea is the one I mentioned awhile ago that Megan Campbell's Sarah Carerra inspired, so consider this an homage to one of my favorite ongoing serials, as well ;-)
~Zoe

---

 

I spent the entire rest of the day at the hospital with Mom, well into late evening. It took her doctor coming down to ask us nicely to let her rest before we finally exchanged hugs-and-kisses, and said good night.

‘I love you sweetheart,’ her words echoed in the back of my mind as Nicole and I cuddled on the sofa back at the house. I can’t say ‘home’ anymore because, to my mind, Margie’s place felt like home, and besides, Mom had already said she didn’t want to pull me away from my new friends.

My new friends were exactly what I kept thinking about though. Once the shock of everything had finally ebbed away, I realized just how much I missed Allison. Through it all she had been right there beside me, and I really wished she could be here now.

“Robin? What’s wrong?” Nicole’s soft, sweet tone shattered my thoughts.

I tilted my head to stare at her sleepily.

“I know that look. You’re upset about something. What is it? You know you can tell me,” she offered quietly as she nestled closer.

I exhaled slowly as I rested my head against her shoulder. “I miss Ally. Well, Jennifer too, but with Ally it’s … different. Remember the night I brought Natalie into our cabin, how Ally freaked right out on her?”

Nicole gave a slow nod, “Yeah. I thought she was going to kill you both with her toothbrush.” She chuckled a little. “What about it?”

“It’s what she said that night, about her hatred for the guy that tried to attack us. Awhile ago when we were jogging, she told me she was having bad dreams because of the incident. And now I’ve gone and abandoned her too.”

Nicole nodded slowly, “Me too. I mean, she’s like, my best friend, and I didn’t even think to ask if she wanted to come. I’m sorry Robin.”

“And it’s way too late to call the camp and try to talk to her.” I heaved a long, drawn out sigh. “I’m… gonna head up to bed, try and get some sleep. I’ll try and call the camp in the morning.”

Nicole smiled a little as she kissed my cheek, giving me a squeeze, “Alright. I’m going to stay up a bit longer. Sweet dreams, cutie.”

I laughed quietly. “Sleep well, vampire.” After a soft kiss goodnight, I slipped off up to bed.

It seemed like hours before I could finally find sleep, and even then my dreams were plagued with the unsettling thoughts that Allison might become the next Crystal. It seemed my restless subconscious couldn’t make up its mind, so to speak, about which it felt more, as I found myself shifting between vivid dreamscapes of wondrous times ahead, and the thought of losing Allison and Jennifer’s friendships.

I awoke with a start. A familiar, yet altogether unexpected soft hand rested gently on my shoulder. It wasn’t Margie’s, or even Nicole’s. I blinked several times. It couldn’t be!

“… Ally?” I asked blearily as I sat up, staring.

She giggled. “Hey you.”

“What... How…?”

“Unlike you and Nikki, I don’t mind flying Coach.” She winked as she wrapped me in a tight hug. “Camp just wasn’t the same without you, so I called Mom and asked her if I could leave early to come out here. I hope you don’t mind?”

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I held her tightly. “Of course I don’t! If I had my way I would’ve brought the entire cabin with me. Ally, I am SO sorry for leaving you like that,” I sobbed.

Nicole came around the corner a moment later, grinning. “I already told her what we were talking about last night. You didn’t get any sleep either, did you?”

I laughed weakly, “How could you tell?”

“Probably by the fact that it’s already noon,” Allison teased, kissing my forehead. “And really, it’s okay. I’m okay. I know you didn’t do it on purpose. You were just excited. I would’ve been too.”

“So how long can you stay?” I didn’t know how long it would be before Mom was discharged, but I knew I’d want to spend a lot of time with her, which would be detrimentally boring to the girls.

“A few days. We’re flying back to Connecticut on Monday, but Mom and I wanted to see if there’s anything we could do to help. Kelly’s letting us stay with her in the meantime.”

“Ally,” I began, as I slowly pulled myself out from under the covers and gave her another hug, “There’s something I’ve been wanting to say to you, but I didn’t know how you’d react. I was scared I’d push you away.”

Her expression shifted, now a mix of uncertainty and concern, as though she knew what I wanted to say.

“We need to talk about the incident.”

She quickly shook her head. “No, we don’t. I don’t want to think about it, or him, ever again.”

Nicole quickly moved to her side, putting her arms around her. “Ally, Robin’s right. You haven’t been the same since the attack, and you need to talk to someone about it. I … we … don’t want you to become another Crystal!”

Nicole broke down and started crying as she hugged her close. Her words echoed exactly what I was thinking. I wrapped her in a hug from the other side.

“Crystal bottled things up. She didn’t get help for her problems, and then when it became too much, she…” I trailed off, shaking my head. “Ally, we love you. We only want to see you safe.”

She glanced between the two of us slowly, “Is that why you both felt so guilty about leaving me like that?”

We both nodded in unison, causing her to smile a little as she wrapped her arms around us. “I love you both so much. I could never… I WOULD never do that. Yes, I am still upset about the incident, and I’ll admit, I felt a little left out when you just up and left, but I understand where you were coming from.

“Nikki explained to me earlier that it was her doing that let you leave so quickly, and like I said, I don’t mind flying Coach a day later. I’m just… I’m just really happy you both do care about me so much. I don’t know where I would be without my two best friends.”

“What about Jennifer?” Nicole grinned.

“Three best friends!” She giggled. “I tried to get Jen to come too, but she said someone had to stay behind and keep Natalie’s recruits in line.”

Later that afternoon I took Carol and Allison to meet my mother. There had already been talk of moving her out of intensive care, but they wanted to continue running tests first to be certain of her healing progress, and that there wasn’t any permanent brain damage or other complications.

We must have spent a solid two hours just sitting at her bedside, laughing and crying together about everything that we’d been through, and for Mom’s part, how much different, better even, I was for becoming Robin. Finally, Allison stood up and walked over to hug Mom.

“Linda, there’s something Robin hasn’t told you yet. I understand why she didn’t, because she’s really okay now, but truthfully, I’m not… I’m not okay. But I will be, thanks to her. A few weeks ago we were out jogging, and… this guy approached us and tried to get us in his van…”

I sat helplessly next to Nicole as I listened to Allison tearfully recount her version of the events that day. I don’t think either of us realized exactly how deeply it had affected her. I had the benefit of Doctor Ketz, but Allison only had her parents’ and friends’ support.

“There was this girl at camp last year, Crystal… Robin probably already told you her story too. But earlier today Nikki told me something that truly scared me. She said she and Robin were afraid I’d become another Crystal. That’s when I realized… That’s when I knew, I needed help. I need to see someone about my anxiety, not only for my sake, but for my best friend’s, and my adopted sister, your wonderful, loving, gallant daughter’s sakes.”

When she finished, she bent down to hug Mom again, who wrapped her in a gentle hug in return. Several seconds of peaceful silence fell over the room, but finally, she stood up again and walked over to put her arms around me. I held her close. I wasn’t about to let go.

“Ally, I have someone I want you to meet when you get back home. Before you leave, I want to give you my contact information for Doctor Ketz.”

She stared, puzzled. “Isn’t she like, your gender specialist?”

“She is, but she also helped me learn to cope with these same anxieties you’re feeling. She can help you too. She’s a wonderful, caring person. She once told me that people like me, like us, are why she became a therapist in the first place. Let her help you too.”

Allison tearfully nodded. “Okay. I’ll… I’ll talk to her.”

Mom smiled proudly as she watched the scene unfold. At Allison’s admission, she spoke up. “It’s such a nice day outside. Why don’t you girls call a cab and take Robin shopping?”

I blinked, peeking over Allison’s shoulder at her. She gave a knowing, but loving smile. “Really, I’m not going anywhere sweetheart. Go be with your friends.”

We all took turns hugging her at that. Carol took Allison aside and whispered something as Nicole and I stepped out. She joined us a moment later.

Nicole giggled. “Ally, you’re grinning like a horse eating a thorn bush.” I wondered what happened to ‘Nikki-speak’. I had to giggle.

Allison laughed, holding up a gold credit card. “Mom gave me her credit card. She said this might be my only chance to go shopping in a West Coast mall, and she trusts us not to max it out.”

“Your mom is awesome,” Nicole quipped.

Allison beamed, “Yeah. Almost as awesome as Robin’s.” She giggled. “Anyway, let’s go find a cab. Robin, you’re the Bay girl. We’re trusting you to know where the best shopping is!”

“I’ll try,” I laughed, as we stepped onto the elevator, “But just remember I was a total tomboy when I lived here back then, so I can’t promise anything.”

After hailing a cab outside the hospital, we set right to the mall-hopping. I should have felt insecure about the whole ordeal, being that I’d never been shopping without an adult around, but somehow being with Allison and Nicole made me feel completely safe.

We had just exited Victoria’s Secret, already laden with shopping bags from this and a few previous stops, when I spotted the back of a familiar head across the way. She was admiring a poster of an up-and-coming female singer depicted in a somewhat angelic look, with her attire and the cute silver headband.

“She is sooo amazing,” Andrea said quietly as she realized I’d approached her. She turned to look me up and down once, then smiled, “Cute top. I’m Andrea.”

“Robin,” I offered in return, glancing back at the poster. “Is she new? The name’s not familiar.”

“Yeah, she like, just started last month and she’s already done one concert. I’m totally jel!”

‘Jel’? Okay then.

She turned back to me again. “Have we … met before? You don’t go to Lawrence Western Junior High do you?”

“I’m just visiting with my friends from Connecticut, where I’ve been staying. My mom’s been in a coma for like, the last month. She only just woke up yesterday.”

It felt so awkward talking to my ex-girlfriend so casually like this, especially with the current girlfriend and best friend standing so close. She smiled, rolling her shoulders.

“Cool. Anyway, um… Nice meeting you, Robin.” She turned to walk away. I bit my lip. I knew I was going to regret this.

“Everything okay?” I asked rather innocently. I mean, I knew her well enough to know when she was upset, even if we had only dated a short time a few months back. Andrea was a bright girl, but insecure, and she wore her heart on her sleeve.

She glanced back at me with a frown, shaking her head. “Not really. And no offense, but I really don’t feel like talking about it with a total stranger.”

I shrugged. “Suit yourself, then. I just thought since we were heading to the food court you might want to come with and hang out.” I left it at that and turned to walk away.

“Andrea?” Nicole echoed as we walked.

“Wasn’t that the name of-” Allison began, but I cut her off.

“Yeah. That was her, actually. I guess some people never change, but at least she didn’t recognize me. Not that I care if she did since I won’t be around here for school this year anyway.”

Allison blinked. “Wait, back up. What about school?”

I cast her a brief glance, grinning. “Nikki didn’t tell you? Mom wants to sell the house and move to Alpine Springs when she’s feeling better.”

Allison practically squealed as she threw her arms around me. “OHMYGOD that’s awesome!”

Nicole laughed. “Sorry, Ally. I knew you’d want to hear the good news from Robin herself, or I’d have told you right after you got here.”

She giggled. “Eh, you’re forgiven.”

“Hey, Nikki, not to change the subject or anything, I mean, not that I don’t love talking about ex-girlfriends,” I joked.

“Oh, please do. I don’t know what you even saw in her.” Truthfully, me either. But love is blind. Or is that loneliness is desperate stupidity?

“Why did you stop wearing that cute Goth stuff I saw you in the first day?”

Nicole’s normally alabaster cheeks shifted up several hues of bright, rose red. “You thought I was cute like that? Seriously?”

“Yes! I want to see you in that lacey top again at some point. It’s like it was made for you.”

She and Allison giggled in unison, the latter adding, “She’s got a point. Your naturally pale skin looks striking in black. Not like me. I look like a walking Barbie doll if I don’t put on like, super-high SPF sun block.”

“Well… Okay, promise you won’t be upset?”

I’d been down this road before with Allison. Rather than argue, I simply nodded, as we neared the food court. “I promise.”

“It’s because… I wanted to impress you.”

“Come again?” I stopped and stared at her as she kept walking. She turned to walk back, shifting her gaze nervously. “You were just so unbelievably nice to me even though we had only just met. I thought you wouldn’t want to go out with a Goth chick, so I made up my mind that I wanted to change for you. You never complained, so I just kind of stuck with it. Plus Jason, my old boyfriend, sort of got me into it in the first place, so I felt a little guilty, y’know?”

As we sat down to enjoy our meals — Nicole and Allison munching on a salad, and I getting an exceedingly unladylike double deluxe cheeseburger and a large chocolate shake, Andrea approached our table.

“Can I sit down?”

Nicole shot her a glare at the sudden intrusion. “Can you?”

She flinched. “Fine, MAY I sit down?”

I glanced between Nicole and Allison. Allison shrugged, offering an indifferent smile, but Nicole didn’t seem too thrilled. I think she finally understood how Allison felt about Natalie being in our cabin that night, now.

I motioned to the empty chair. “Free country, if you don’t mind keeping the attitude down — nothing personal.”

She shrugged, “Fair enough. I deserved that one anyway.” She paused. “Actually I probably deserve a lot worse. This whole day has just been, pardon my French, shit.”

Nicole chuckled, “Merde.”

“What?” She shot Nicole a puzzled stare.

“French for ‘shit’. … Never mind. So what’s your story?” Surprisingly, her tone seemed a little softer at Andrea’s apparent humility.

“Junior high drama at its finest; the short version is that awhile ago I used someone to get back at my ex-boyfriend. The stupid ox asked me out again after beating the guy up, and spread a bunch of nasty rumors about him when he didn’t press charges.” She paused, sighing. “That should’ve been the first sign that I should’ve dumped his loser ass.”

“Who, the guy who got beat up?” Allison asked neutrally.

Andrea shook her head. “No, the jock. He just dumped me when I finally got it through his stupid Neanderthal skull that I wouldn’t put out.” She folded her arms on the table, burying her face and mumbled a muffled, “God, I was so stupid.”

Nicole smirked. “Yeah, you were.”

Andrea stared up at her, not sure what to think of that, as Nicole continued. “You let someone get the crap kicked out of them just so you could win back a jerk like that. I’d call that boneheaded. Maybe it’s not too late to apologize though.” She shrugged.

“I tried, actually. I … went by his house, but the neighbors said nobody’s been there in a month, and now some new girl might be living there. I can’t help feeling a little … y’know… guilty.”

I had to chuckle at that. I literally could not help myself, as this latest reversal of fortunes struck. Allison and Nicole giggled a little as Andrea slowly looked between the three of us.

“Andrea, are you serious about wanting to apologize to this person?” I asked flatly.

She nodded. “Don’t get me wrong, as a boyfriend he was totally ND, but-”

“Sorry, I’m not up on my California slang. What’s ND?” Allison asked.

She rolled her eyes, “Not dateable? Anyway, he was a nice guy. Probably would’ve been a good friend if he wasn’t so…”

“Shy?” I asked, and then added, “Though it was more like supremely self-loathing.” I reached a hand, which I might add had a lovely shade of dark pink nail polish from the last ‘sleepover’, back and gathered my hair into a low ponytail, smiling at her.

She stared intensely at me for a long moment before recognition finally dawned.

“Before you say anything, I’m not coming back to school next year. I’m moving to Connecticut to be with my new friends, but … this is why I always acted the way I did. I was so unbelievably miserable as a boy. It’s like I was pretending my whole life. As a girl, I’m happy. I’m … extremely happy. I feel right. And for what it’s worth, I’ve already forgiven you awhile ago.”

“Oh my God…” she whispered. I thought for a moment that she was about to faint.

I smiled as I reached out to give her hand a reassuring squeeze. “Sorry to just spring this on you, but I don’t know how much longer I’ll be In California. As soon as my mom’s well enough to travel, we’re out of here.”

She nodded slowly. “Hey, um… Do you think we could maybe stay in touch? I seriously don’t deserve a second chance I know, but this is all so… so sudden. I want to think about it awhile, then maybe we can talk some more after that?”

Allison spoke up, “Robin is like, the coolest girl I’ve ever met, and one of my best friends is an awesome half-Hawaiian surf chick, if that says anything. There was this one girl at our Girl Scout camp who spent the entire first week doing nothing but trying and failing miserably, to ruin Robin’s reputation.

“Robin turned around and not only forgave her, but they’re really good friends now. It’s never too late, but you have to be willing to get over yourself and accept that not everyone fits into some pre-conceived mold too.”

“Sometimes you just need to take a leap of faith,” Nicole added.

Andrea smiled a little as I took a pen from my purse, scribbling my cell phone number on the back of a gum wrapper and sliding it to her. “Anyway, my dad’s picking me up soon. It was nice seeing you again Rob-” she caught herself, smiling sheepishly as she accepted the wrapper, “Robin.”

As she left, I exhaled slowly. “God, that is not at all how I pictured that going.”

Allison chuckled, “Best guess? The jock dumped her for her best friend, so she’s feeling vulnerable.”

“Totally!” Nicole added. “Anyway, enough about her; we have some more shopping to do! Oh, Robin, what made you suddenly ask about my Goth phase anyway?”

“If I told you, you’d punch me,” I teased, wrapping my lips around the straw of my milkshake to avoid answering further as I smiled innocently at her.

She laughed. “Okay then. But anyway, I actually have that top with me. I’ll wear it tonight when we go to dinner, but only if you wear that cute pink one. Ally, you’re coming too!” she insisted.

“I don’t want to intrude,” Allison started, but Nicole shook her head, stealing a bite of Allison’s salad, despite having plenty of her own left, as she answered.

“You’re not! It’s going to be my parents and me, maybe Margie, and Robin, and now that you’re here you and Carol should come too. It’ll be great! I already asked Kelly, but she has to work tonight.”

I watched the two, quietly enjoying my own burger as the playful banter over the salad-stealing ensued. I couldn’t help feeling incredibly thankful Mom suggested this, though I wondered if it was so she could talk privately with ‘the adults’ as much as to try and get me to spend time with my friends.

At least things were finally looking up, though. Mom was awake, Allison was ready to seek professional help, and Andrea … Well, can’t win ‘em ell, but at least she seemed receptive. Only time would tell if I’d be changing my cell phone number.