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Comments
Keep going.
Try and dwell a little longer on each individual circumstance. Some of the scenes are a bit thin on description. Otherwise a nice read.
Beverly.
Growing old disgracefully.
Thank you
Thank you for the advice. I enjoy reading your stories.
Huh?
How could Chris be late for his curfew and live in his own apartment?
. . . .
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
I went outside once. The graphics weren' that great.
Huh
Thanks for catching that but since I wrote, the other part over eight years ago, we can ignore the curfew. Matter of fact I think I can edit that. lol
another slip..
yeah i keep getting the impression that this is a kid, like in the first story the witches are in his class... yet all of a sudden he's trying to open a store? O.o
Excellent potential
But you need to watch your continuity.
In the first part, while the transformation is going on, you state, "He felt his honey blond hair growing. It stopped when it reached his shoulder blades."
Then, in the second part, after returning to his/her apartment, you say, "Her hair was now shoulder-length, still was the ebony color that she was used to."
Which is it? Down to her shoulder blades and honey blond or shoulder length and ebony?
Best to write several parts in a single document and then post one part at a time than to write a sequel part without regard to the continuity that preceded it.
Just my two cents. Looks like it can be really, really good.
Erica
good start
cant wait to see what happens. keep up the good work.
robert
intresting start
which did you mean ? "She was shocked at the site of her new womanhood." or should that be "She was shocked at the sight of her new womanhood."
Sinful Pleasures 2 - Opening the Store
What kind of store is it?
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
Sinful Pleasures 2
Right now, I have some ideas formulating in my brain for some of the customers. I think of it as a store where the customers realize dreams that will make them happy or become someone or something that may make another person happy.
What can I say?
I have quite a bit of criticism, so forgive me in advance. The negatives are spoilered and if you don't want to you can skip them. They are a bit harsh.
{Highlight to read} The first and the second part seem more than a little disjointed. The coven and it's characterisation, and the characterisation of the entity, are almost nil. It seems very surprising that Chris was left practically alone to fend for herself in the world, without anyone accepting any responsibility to help. The 'punishment' is completely uncalled for. And the measure of Chris being integrated in the world after the change is also not shown.
I feel the story could benefit from a better characterisation of the parties involved and their future relations. The entire story has a feeling, for lack of a better word, an outline of a story, a skeleton on which a lot could be grown. I appreciate the efforts you made in writing it, but I feel the premise has to be elaborated on because right now it leaves a lot of questions unanswered.
Faraway
Big Closet Top Shelf
Where you can fool around like you want to and most you get is some bemused good ribbing!
Faraway
Big Closet Top Shelf
Where you can fool around like you want to and most you get is some bemused good ribbing!