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Nice
character development chapter. I really like how you have everyone bickering and teasing each other just like they were family. Kinda reminds me of the relationships of a group from my most favorite TV series, but I'm not going to compare the two. Your story is uniquely yours! :)
hugs
Grover
Pacing
I felt that after all the action and panic during the last few chapters, it was time to let the group exhale for a bit :)
This is what they devolve into when they don't have to fight for their lives!
Lovely story
So that completes the histories of the crew.
It sounds like they are all running from unwanted expectations though Jaden seems to be doing more due to his undesired side effect of his magic.
As far as Mystics and magic goes, it looks like he pools magic in a contracted relationship so let's hope he does not have to provide magic to too many partners at once when they need it. It sounds like that not all creatures he has contracted with are necessarily nice ones.
So his prime spirit is a 'demon', so what does that really mean. Demons are theoretically very one sided creatures in most mythos so what is all that about?
Anyway the world building is starting to really take shape which I much appreciate.
Kim
Lovely readers
When I started with this story, I had the general background of my main characters ready. In that notepad, I had written and underlined "Everyone has a reason for being an adventurer." You don't just get up one day, leave home and family, and risk your life because you were bored. Each of them have their own reasons, and expectations plays a big role in this.
It's an interesting thing, thinking about what it would be like to enter into a pact with a creature. The salamander, and the as of yet unseen second being, aren't human. They don't function the same way we do. Most magical creatures are predators, as well, which makes them even more inherently strange to us. So what would it be like being in a mystical relationship with these kinds of creatures? I like to believe that they are nice enough, for their species, for what that's worth :)
We'll learn more in the following chapters about spirits, as well. Maybe. We'll have to read and find out~!
Oh I forgot to mention the little kicker at the end
It looks like Jaden is losing his masculine voice, so does that mean he needs another trinket to mask that change :).
Also, how much physical strength will he lose and since he has to wield a sword, that will become a problem. OTOH, does his changed form take on some of the strengths of his prime spirit so physical strength might be maintained? Apparently prime spirits affect Mystics physically also but it leads to the complicated question of which physical aspects will dominate.
Kim
Attentive!
Oh, you picked up on that, did you? :)
Well, funny you should mention these things. I swear you've been reading some chapters ahead. Stop peeking over my shoulder, Kimmie-bear!
I pick up on that
But what got my attention was the other part of that "dream" where RED was part of a duo of adventurer looking for others. While, the others did come back at the end, what kind of hold does the skull still have.
Nice one Melange, love it.
Peace, Love, Freedom and Happiness
Hugs tmf
Goody!
There miiight be lingering effects. I'm certainly not going to tell you! ... well, I am, but only in writing :)
Thanks for reading!
This story is really
This story is really interseting, but I have a problem with keeping track what is actually happening. I guess it might be since you frequently change the focus of narration. It might have been better if you'd narrate Jaden in 1st person and everyone else in third. These sudden switches between Jaden and Olli make it really hard to keep track of what is actually happening.
Anyway, I wonder how feminine Jaden really is after his spirit overuse. And when will he conveniently loose his illusion spell. I wonder if his friends already got suspicious.
Thank you for writing,
Beyogi
Sowwies!
I apologise if the story is hard to follow. I feel like all the characters are important to give a good perspective of the world, and different points of view seems like a good way to do that.
I know that many authors prefer to use the first-person perspective for their main character, but I actually don't enjoy that at all. For me, it makes the main character too much of a "self insertion". That's only my opinion, though, and many first-person stories I read are wonderfully written. It's just not for me, though. I hope you can struggle through regardless :)
If I write anything else aside from this series, I may try the first-person approach to see if it makes it any clearer, but for this particular short-novel I'm pretty much invested in the third-person all-around style, I'm afraid.
Many commenters seem to predict Jaden being conveniently unveiled (PUN!). We'll just have to... read and find out~! (flails her arms)
Hm... maybe the chapters are
Hm... maybe the chapters are too short? One of my favourite authors switched from a first person POV to a third person POV with several protagonists, but he didn't switch characters every 500 words or so. It was more one chapter from one characters POV one from anothers.
It's also a bit annoying when you switch POV and don't begin by namin the character but by "he or she did something". I always wonder if its Jaden's subconcious at work, even if it usually is one of his friends.
What I don't quite get is why you really switch character focus by seperating scenes anyway. Why not something like:
I doubt that is in character, but I hope you get the idea. --- I just checked the story and you do it sometimes, but not that often. You could pretty much write the same story from Jaden's POV, which might also make exposition about the world easier. It works though, so maybe it's just that I prefer the other style...
Another thing is that I've problem to keep track with the timeline. When is what happening, how much time is passing between the scenes. Most of the time I can't tell whether the next scene is fife minutes in the future, a day later or a flashback.
I'm pretty sure that the following is a flashback, but there is no way to really tell apart from context. Maybe you should write your flashbacks in italic or something, so it's easier to tell:
This could happen the same time when the protagonist were finished with their fight with the Nethermancers. But I figure it happened sometime before they even went on their adventure together.
Why is there even a break between those scenes? I figure they're just continuing their journey and there doesn't really need to be a break. It only confuses as we don't know how much time has passed. Is it the same day? Or are the gradual change stretching over a few days?
Actually the more I think about it it's not the character-focus changes that bug me its the frequent scene changes. I always need to check again what is happening in that scene. It would probably help if you found a better way to connet the scenes.
Anyway, I rather like this story and hope this clarification helped a bit.
Thank you for writing,
Beyogi
Very helpful!
Thank you for your critique, Beyogi :)
I'm starting to get the idea of "you can't please everyone", now. When I read a story, if the scene drags on I find I have a harder time keeping focused on what is going on, and start skimming lines of text without actually reading them. For me, a scene is a discrete event or place or conversation, and when that is over I want to switch to something else - even if that is just a few miles down the road. This is probably one of those situations that involves writing style or, simply, taste :)
I'm definitely going to keep it in mind, though, and announce the speaker first thing (in some way). I'm still learning though, and will keep making mistakes. That's why I trust my gentle readers to point things out for me :D
Thanks for reading!
"There was something about Jay. Almost..."
hmmm. Sounds like his disguise wont hold as well as he thinks it is ...
Truth in dreams
Seems like his friends might be subconsciously picking up on things. Oleander's dream have been a bit wonky lately, though. It's probably nothing! :D
Question to the readers: Is it more or less obvious what is a dream sequence and what is not? I toyed with the idea of italicizing the entire portion for a bit...
One thing that seems to pop up every so often is how it is hard to follow my switching scenes and perspectives, adding dreams to the mix might make it even harder. I don't want to confuse people unintentionally :/
Everyone likes the elf.
There seems to be a little soft spoken maybe kinda with Rena and Jay and then there's Ollie wiping off that little bit of foam in the dream.
Reading into things? Maybe but it's fun too.
Actually I'm getting this nice Julliet McKenna vibe from this whole thing now which is great:)
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey Summers
Elf is the new black
Ale-foam wiping is always a metaphor for something, I'm sure I read that somewhere :)
Thanks for the wonderful compliment. I'll try to live up to that comparison as best as I can!
what would have...
happened if he released the dark magic back to the salamander instead of into the beach?
good chapter, thanks
Clearly!
Vally the salamander would no doubt have grown to epic proportions, forded the ocean and engaged the civilised nations in a one-lizard uprising. After stomping its way up to Tier, its reputation would have proceeded it to the point where people began to call it the "god salamander", or "god-sala" for short. (nod-nods)