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This story chapter caught me completely off guard
when I randomly chose to read it, that it pulled me in and I do not feel qualified to add my comment yet as I am now going to read this story from the beginning. I promise you BrokenFox you will see comments from me. I love your story!! I need the beginning material to make a coherent comment :)
But you have my attention now ^^
Sephrena
Thankyou so much! I'm always
Thankyou so much! I'm always worried about how these chapters stand on their own without the context of the start, so it's really good to hear they they're still interesting ^_^
I hope you enjoy the other chapters, and I look forward to your comments :)
Not a fox
Now that I have had time to digest
the situation, I think that that I can respond. First, I am unsure of Eden's "dreams." While tthe father was not a dream, the reliving of the horror by "Jon" was in the previous post. Now in this chapter, Eden becomes female in the dream state, however, this appears to become reality. So my question is: What is this reality altering thing that revisits Eden? And why did it not alter reality in that "Jon" sequence?
Secondly, why did Eden feel a love for Alexis at the point in this chapter in which he did? It seemed to me to be like an inducement from the reality altering thing, one in which he was not aware of his feelings and how they made Alexis act. He became aware of the situation after he had caught how Alexis behaved after the words he had said. But I do not think he was really in control of the situation. I feel it goes back ot the reality altering thing.
Thirdly, Why hasn't the "thing" pretending to be Eden's father not been notified to the police when the evidence was fresh? Surely they could have assigned a few detectives to monitor the father at the very least to see with their own eyes the satanic beast it is. Alexis' parents should have at the least - even the Nokamura's.
Well, that is what I have come away with and eagerly look forward to seeing some of these questions being resolved in the chapters ahead.
Sephrena
The next couple of chapters
The next couple of chapters will explain the dream state things, so I don't know if you want me to tell you what was real or not but :O
Eden's an unreliable narrator, he's so used to hallucinating or imagining things that aren't real (because of the trauma that he suffered from Jon) that he doesn't trust what he sees, especially with things that seem impossible. He thinks they're real at the time, but once he's calmed down he assumes they were imagined.
Everything that happens after the spider attack though, his sudden feelings for Alexis and shrinking and seeing the woman, turning into a girl, are real. He just can't believe that they are because he doesn't trust his mental state and they're not really things that normally happen.
The sudden feelings for Alexis are more complicated, but his body was starting to change into a girls at that point and he'd dissociated himself with his male body because of what Jon did, but it was more sensitive than normal at that point and the sensations were different from what he was used to, so he thought they were something else other than arousal. But they weren't
Eden's dad hasn't been arrested yet because of a few things. Mainly because Eden's mum is scared that if she does involve the police he will do something far worse to her or Eden than just hurting them, and also she's not a perfect person and thinks that things will somehow get better. Her character will be explored in more depth later, I did have a large chunk of stuff about her written in the 3rd and 4th chapters but I couldn't make them flow naturally so I had to cut them out >.< The problem with having the story from Eden's POV is that a lot of things are left unanswered until I can make them come into his narrative somewhat naturally
Also Eden's grandpa had friends in the local police force that keep in touch with Eden's dad every now and then, and because his father was pretty much just like him then they're not going to do anything if Eden's mum goes to them for help. She's been to them before and they pretty much said it was her fault for 'annoying' her husband and she should try to get a better temperament because it's hard working on a farm and she should appreciate what her husband does more than she does. So she gave up on them.
And the Nakamura's only came back into Eden and his mums life at the start of last year, and his mum made them not tell the police what was happening because she wanted to handle it herself. She doesn't like other people helping her unless it's unavoidable (like it was that night). She's very prideful and thinks she knows best, to the detriment of herself and her son. It's just how she was raised, and she is doing what she thinks is best for Eden, and with him being at Sanders now* then she feels like she has a lot of time to sort out all of the problems with her husband. (I don't want it to sound like I'm blaming her because I'm not :O She's just human, and nobody's perfect :( )
Sorry if that was too much information >.< I am very aware of how many things are left unexplained at the moment and some of them will take a long time to be explained and I get worried that some people will stop reading because they get frustrated with things seemingly random or unexplained. But for the most part, because it's from a first person's POV, it has to be this way. I'm probably going to start uploading one chapter inside of two now, so they come out faster. The next chapter will have some answers about what's going on with Eden's body!
Thankyou so much for reading the story :) I really appreciate it <3
Not a fox
The jitters
What has happened to Eden physically should have warranted the police becoming involved. With the anger displayed by his dad, his mom is in no position to handle things by herself. She has no sway over her husband, so nothing she tries will help the situation.
Eden shrinking shows other forces are at work--maybe the lady he saw? What's he going through now? He's experiencing more than a stomach. More changes? Gender changes? Will Alexis wake and find him before morning or will morning appear before he's discovered?
Others have feelings too.
I am happily impressed
... with the depth of writing and the care you have given the story. This is just good writing (well, there's those exclaimation marks...). The abuse dynamics are spot on to the point of my own tummy aches: blame, wanting to return to the abusive one, knowing others just don't understand,... The whole is believable so that the amazing parts are too. I expect I'm not the only one reliving some of the abuse and family dysfunction. It can heal and also help my resolve to be an advocate for others.
I was comfortable with Eden's feelings of love and confusion about love and lack of lust experience. I know its hard for many to understand that without naming it platonic - ugh. The huge warm fuzzy love that overwhelms sensually but not erotically ought to be a treat anyone could claim.
Now, about those exclaimation points. I use them to gage various intents of the person talking. When there are too many, I don't know which are real and powerful... or maybe some refer to the strength of the author's feeling. I understand my grammatically correct gramma in the overuse of these things; but I am not being grammatically critical as much as expressing the confusion I felt in some important mom - Eden talks - and others.
ummm... am I missing something? There seems to be an assumption that the reader knows of coming transformations. For me its a spoiler. Maybe its my ignorance of something showing?
I am thrilled with your writing and thank you for your good, hard, and fruitful work. What a treat!
Thank you so much :)
Thank you so much :)
I understand the exclamation points are a bit much, when I was learning to write I used them all the time and it's a hard habit to break. I used to be one of those people who used more than one >.> Because all of the dialogue is in Eden's head and how he emotional he is I ended up adding them to a lot of his thoughts, I originally intended to make important thoughts in Italics but that ended up confusing the moments when he remembered/heard things Jon used to say. I tried out using a bolt font or having things IN ALL CAPS but that only worked for very certain situations.
And, because of the content of the story, I'm usually in an emotion mood when I'm writing this and exclamation marks then to slip in, especially in dialogue scenes, which I usually say out loud to make sure they flow well.
But I am aware that I use them too much and am trying to change it! I haven't written a story like this before so I'm slowly getting used to getting the hang of things. I appreciate you pointing this out though! When i go back and edit this one day I'll make sure to clean it up, and keep it in mind more in future chapters :)
There is a change coming, I was worried about keeping it a secret though because of the nature of this site (mainly trans, male to female transformations etc...) so I alluded to it more in case readers who were interested in that part dropped off because they didn't think that this story was going to be about that. I'm not sure that was a good idea, in hindsight.
Not a fox
I think you may understand
I think you may understand that my comment about alluding to a coming transformation was not in the story text but in your comments. Well, I'm pretty sure where I saw it about three times.
It's always heartening to have an author write back so quickly and know that my thoughts mean something. Thanks.
Yeah, I figured it was about
Yeah, I figured it was about my comments, like the giant one above :P I got a bit carried away. I'm not great at holding things back and being patient with withholding info until I release future chapters. I also like answering questions. I think I've been getting better at it though.
I try to reply to every comment, especially ones with constructive criticism :)
Not a fox