...on the subject of passing, but I want to strip my appearance of as many signs of masculinity as I can. For about a five-year period, I was taken off hormones because I smoked. Naturally, I started to remasculinize, and I looked very male during those years. I endured daily ridicule, to the point that I had to adopt an androgynous look--I'd be taunted and laughed at if I were in a dress. Bigots and bullies denied me the opportunity to present exactly as I liked, just because of the way I looked. In a way it was like high school all over again.

After I quit smoking six years ago, I was put back on hormones, and the difference was dramatic. All of a sudden, guys were calling me "honey" and "dear" (OK, it's sexist, but it beats "faggot".) My hair, which had been receding, grew back in and got softer. My skin got softer. I finally felt at least somewhat right.

But I live in fear of someday having my hormones taken away again for health reasons, and having those hellish years return. I admire the courage of those transpeople who can go out there regardless of how they look. I'm just not one of them. If I had the money, I would undergo every facial procedure medical science could provide, so that even if my hormones were taken away, no one would mistake me for a man.