Maybe it's just the stories I find myself attracted to, but it seems like a lot of those stories assume or even explicitly state that being trans is a curse; I've even read "nobody would choose to be this way if they had a choice." And I can't help saying to myself -- huh??
Well, I was assigned male at birth and though it was obvious to me (and to others) that I didn't fit, it was what I had to deal with. Even at age 6, all that stuff that being a boy was supposed to mean seemed just plain awful and stupid and painful, and I couldn't make myself do it. Being anything else was not an option in those days, even just being a "different" sort of boy was impossible. So I was exposed to all the awfulness of what is euphemistically called "male socialization."
It never took, probably because my inner self had no intention of letting it take. Maybe other AMABs learned to enjoy and feel proud of suffering all the bullying and masochism that being a proper boy or man is all about in our world, but my reaction was, I'm not nuts! I eventually learned to conform just enough to avoid the very worst and to hunker down and ignore the rest. But I never internalized it. And I survived, albeit with a bad case of complex PTSD that I will never really recover from.
But when I look around at the other AMABs who were more successfully socialized, I see people with warped and corrupted souls, people who've learned to see their humanity as a shameful flaw and to live and act in ways that damage their health and make them miserable, even if they try to deny it. I used to attend "men's groups" in the vain attempt to learn to relate to them, but I noticed that they don't relate, they just try to keep up a pose -- "beer, fart jokes, and misogyny" is what I called it -- because the masculinity they learned is about not relating to others (or even to themselves.) It seems to me that turning yourself into a Real Man™ doesn't decrease your suffering, it just teaches you to act like you like it.
So when I learned about what being trans really is, as opposed to the Jerry Springer/Dr. Phil caricatures, it was like getting out of jail. Wow, I can just walk away from all that @#$% ?! Heck yeah, throw me in that briar patch!
So I see being the way I am -- what we call "trans" -- as actually a blessing. Yeah, I went through hell for the first 20 years of my life, but I would have anyway -- becoming masculine doesn't decrease your suffering, it just teaches you to be in denial about it. My "transness" actually protected the Real Me inside, to the extent it could be protected in the anti-human society we live in. It taught me that you don't have to be what they say you have to be. It taught me that I can recognize the dominance heirarchies and the religion of exploiting others is just plain wrong. And it gave me a name for communities where I can more or less be myself and where people don't buy into all that @#$%. And, yeah, they might kill me for it. But I could also get run over by a bus tomorrow, we all die sooner or later. At least this way I get to live for a while.
Being trans is a privilege.
Comments
I agree . . . with some reservations
I believe I am a better person than I would have been, had I not had to deal with gender dysphoria all my life. The downsides have been real, but manageable— for me. And that caveat encapsulates my reservations.
One thing I have come to appreciate deeply from having spent time on BC, reading stories and comments, and communicating with others in our community, is just how diverse our experiences are, including, critically, our experiences of dysphoria and (for want of a better term) our “trans-ness.” I know people here who could not go on living if they did not transition. And we know the stories of so many who took their own lives because the burden was too great.
My dysphoria is not that severe. As a result, I have lived a long and productive life while remaining in the closet. Although I identify as trans, I know that my interior life, both emotional and mental, has a mix of both masculine and feminine traits. I’ve tried to explore this ambiguity in several of my stories. If Wishes Were Horses comes to mind.
Bottom line, though, is that I have learned to be very cautious about extrapolating from my own experience of dysphoria. Everyone’s mileage seems to vary.
— Emma
Being Trans Is a Catalyst
Being a transgendered person is a catalyst to reveal the intent of those around us. From those who are of good will, living around them is a blessing as a transgendered person. From those who are of evil ilk, living around them is a curse. But the unconditional love we hold in our hearts does not depend on those around us for it comes from THE ONE.
Gail Rose Landers
Although I can understand the point you are making…….
I cannot greet with it. I fail to see how anyone, even yourself, could feel that being transgender is a “blessing” as you put it.
You stated, “So when I learned about what being trans really is, as opposed to the Jerry Springer/Dr. Phil caricatures, it was like getting out of jail. Wow, I can just walk away from all that @#$% ?! Heck yeah, throw me in that briar patch!”
The point here is that to get out of jail, you had to have been in it to begin with! I can easily understand how you can equate being transgender with having been in jail - but I fail to see how anyone could consider that a blessing! Yes, I had to bury my true self for decades, lock her away where no one could see her. For the longest time I was afraid that my actions had been too successful, that I had killed that part of who I was. But luckily, she was more resilient than that. It took a long time for me to coax her back out into the daylight when I finally broke down and opened the dungeon I had banished her to - but she was still there cowering and waiting for the world to acknowledge her.
In many ways though, my being transgender did influence the person I became; perhaps even more, it influenced the actions I took. As strange as it may sound, were it not for my being transgender, I would not have become the man I was. I would not have achieved the things I did in the service of my country, nor would I have been as good of an officer as I became. I was taught early on in life the truism that “if you take care of your troops, they will take care of you,” - my family had a longstanding military tradition, and I was spoon fed these things from childhood with the expectation that I would follow in the family traditions. Being transgender made me a better officer in that it made me better equipped to empathize with my troops, better able to deal with them. It also made me a better boss later when I left active duty.
Being transgender also made me not care about my own death; in fact, I subconsciously desired it. I repeatedly ignored my own safety in order to assure the safety of my troops, those we were supporting, and the innocent civilians we interacted with. This had the unfortunate effect of earning me a Purple Heart with two gold stars. It also led to multiple commendations, and had the additional unfortunate effect of earning my team some very difficult assignments. It also earned me some unexpected time with a Navy shrink; apparently someone decided that I was in fact trying to get myself killed, but ironically my combat record managed to get me out of that little side trip. Luckily, that interaction also made me wake up to the possibility of leaving my wife and sons behind - something that I simply could not do.
My spouse and children would also tell you that my being transgender made me a better husband and a better father, one who would jump in and do things that most husbands and fathers didn’t do. I was ways the one to watch the kids and play games with them at Thanksgiving gatherings while my brothers-in-law all retreated to watch football and drink. I was the one who cleaned the house, cooked, and did laundry and dishes. I never gave up time with my family to play golf or go out with ”the guys”. My family was my life.
But would I ever consider being transgender to be a blessing? No, even knowing that in some ways I am a better person because of it, I would not wish being transgender on anyone. To this day, even years after transitioning, I still suffer from occasional bouts of depression. I still dream of what my life should have been. I still think of the girl I should have been, and all the things I missed out on.
Jail? Hell yes - and a part of me will never be free of that jail.
D. Eden
“Hier stehe ich; ich kann nicht anders. Gott helfe mir.”
Dum Vivimus, Vivamus
I have so many other issues
being trans always kind of felt like God was piling on. I mean, I'm bipolar, I have complex PTSD, diabetes, executive disfunction, and probably a couple more I'm currently forgetting. Did I really need to be trans on top of all that?
But, on the other hand, thanks to finding this place, I have met some of the best people on this planet, and had I not been trans, I wouldn't have come here.
So there is that.
nobody would choose to be this way if they had a choice.
I believe that if some came to me as an eight or nine year old child (when I first started having gender issues) and said to me, "You know if you want, you can develop a part of you personality that will cause people to misjudge you, hate you and possibly cause you physical harm. Don't you think that's good idea?" I'd have said, NO.
I believe that would be the answer of any rational person at any age.
However, we weren't given the choice. We are who we are. We play the hand we are dealt. Like many negative aspects in people's lives it can easily make us better people or drive us to self loathing and impair the way we handle thing.
Many of our number have gender dysphoria the causes them to feel they must transition or die. How can that not be a curse? By the same token, there are many who are gender dysphoric to lesser degrees. Some can ease the dysphoria by occasionally cross-dressing. That leaves a multitude somewhere in between.
One thing appears to be constant, no matter where we start on that spectrum; the older we get, the stronger the need becomes. Speaking from my personal experience, in the early years of my marriage, going to my room, closing the door and putting on the feminine finery for an hour or two was enough. Over the years, the need grew stronger. I reached out and joined trans organization. I experienced the need to go out of the house under the cover of darkness and then in the daylight.
Each time, I would then put on the cloak of masculinity for the world to see. And with each passing year, the regret when I did grew stronger. At about the age of sixty I began to replace my wardrobe a little at a time with butch women's clothing that could pass for men's.
For the last decade or so, I have no male clothing. I'm always wearing women's clothes, though most people would never notice. That is until I go shopping when I wear the feminine tops and shoes that mark my attire as women's and put on lipstick and mascara.
Living that way has given me a resilience that has boiled over into other parts of my life. The other troublesome aspects have benefited from the adaptable nature required to deal with my dysphoria.
Am I a better person for being gender dysphoric? Perhaps... or not. However, I'm a different person than I would have been. My brother was not and was raised under the same conditions as I was. His life looked fine to me, just as mine does to me as well.
We each played the hand we were dealt and triumphed.
Hugs
Patricia
Happiness is being all dressed up and HAVING some place to go.
Semper in femineo gerunt
Ich bin ein femininer Mann
It's Been A Long Haul
Fortunately or unfortunately I was already living this life in the fog of many of the early ladies who were transgender. Which gave me an understanding of who, what, why I was believing I was a female at the age of five. The unfortunate part was there was so little information. The part of the world I lived in was isolated from most information and absolutely no support. I would go so far as to say I was the only one in a hundred forty mile circle who even had a clue transgender was real and interesting.
As Emma wrote, we are diverse. Bless her heart she's a stoic survivor living with the female mind she was blessed with. At times I believe it is the true female mind which is able to cope better with the transgender situation. Females are softer, more giving and able to adjust to adversity than most males.
I would not wish this kind of life on anyone. The drive for the caged female to keep living inside a male facade is truly a test of will and courage. I would have been one of those checking out at age five if my faith in God hadn't been there even at that age. No matter what kind of life we were handed, suicide is tossing God's gift back in His face and telling Him it wasn't good enough. Trust me, on a farm there are thousands of ways to die besides hanging one's self.
Transgender is a gift most will never truly understand. It's a dual life as both male and female testing and blessing one's strength and faith. Think of living through the worst thing possible in one's life and making it out alive. And if God is handing out stars? I doubt I earned a gold one but maybe, just maybe I'll receive a, "You did okay, Barbie. You ready to go again?"
Hugs Ascge
Barbie Jean
Woo Hoo what a ride. Next time let's stick to boy or girl and not scramble the two, okay?
Oklahoma born and raised cowgirl
Your Mileage May Vary
Actually it would be more correct to say: Your mileage indeed varies.
I have survived for half a century before I finally said: „To hell with the rest of the world! I will be me from now on.“ Or as the proverb goes: „Been there, done that, got the t-shirt to prove it.“
I also suffer from complex PTSD, plus a host of other mental health issues, to the point of being virtually unable to work. And as you so succinctly pointed out, it is virtually impossible to recover from or cure PTSD. With proper awareness and trigger identification it might be possible find a modus vivendi that allows to avoid and mitigate the triggers, as well as mitigate the consequences of a trigger event.
In my very personal opinion, anything that results in [complex] PTSD is not a blessing.
But I will acknowledge that identifying the trans spectrum as the root cause of not fitting in can be seen as a blessing. Especially if it helps to find accommodations that allow to compensate and/or mitigate the not fitting in.
If you feel that having identified yourself as being transgender is a blessing for you, then I congratulate and applaud you. And I wish you all the best for your life going forward.
As is often quoted around the British Royal Family: Recollections may very well vary.
If you want to change your perspective or paradigm, then instead of asking why me start asking what for.