I live on the outskirts of the city of Shanghai. My name was Jun, meaning “talented” or “handsome”. I had just turned eighteen and graduated from high school a couple weeks later. I was lying in bed one night, tossing and turning, because I was not at peace inside. Inside I was a girl, but I had been born a male. How was I ever going to be at peace? The Chinese government had banned the online sale of hormone replacement therapy drugs, and there were so many barriers in the healthcare system. I was at a loss as to how I could possibly transition.

At first I thought that my eyes were deceiving me, but there was a greenish glow at the foot of my bed. There was no denying it then. Gradually, a human form began to coalesce, and there was a beautiful young lady standing there, with a seductive look in her eyes. I sat up and said, “Who are you?” She said, “I am one of the huli jing, a fox spirit, known to you as a shape-shifter.” I said, “I thought that you were just a myth.” She smiled and looked down at herself for a moment. “Do I look like a myth to you?” I replied, “No, you look very real to me.” Then she said, “I am going to do you a favor, that is if you do a good deed for me.” I asked, “What kind of good deed do you want me to do, and what kind of favor will you do me?”

She smiled. “I want you to be a friend to Mrs. Ya Liang. She is a homeless person who lives in the park down the street. You will know her by a red scarf that she wears.” I asked, “How can I best be a friend to her?” She replied, “You’ll think of ways.” As for the favor that I will do for you, I will confer on you the ability to be a shape-shifter yourself. You want to be a girl, so I give you the power to be a girl whenever you want.” How will I be able to use that power?” She said, “All you have to do is think it and it will happen.” I asked, “What is your name?” She replied, “Mei,” and with that she vanished.

I lived with my parents in a high-rise apartment building. I had to think this through. How was I going to shape-shift with them around? I also needed girl’s clothes. I had a job, but I could not afford to buy a whole wardrobe and cosmetics, at least not just yet. First things first; I needed to go and find Mrs. Liang. I needed to befriend her. What was it that she needed? Food, clothes, shelter, all came to mind. What she probably needed most was friendship. Then the thought struck me, “She’d probably relate better to a girl.” I went to sleep after tossing and turning some more.

The opportunity came the next morning as I was finishing breakfast … baozi (bow-dze), a Chinese steamed dumpling filled with pork or sweet red beans, and green tea. Mama and Baba kissed me goodbye as they headed out the door for work. I had several hours before I needed to be at work. I wished myself to be a girl and suddenly I was one. I rushed to the bathroom to look in the mirror. Staring back at me was a pretty girl about my Mama’s height. I went to my mother’s dresser and pulled out a bra and panties and got dressed in her clothes. Of course, I was taking note of my appearance and smiling inside and out. I rushed to the store to buy myself some clothes. I bought just enough to keep me dressed in my own clothes. Then I went back home, undressed, put Mama’s clothes away, turned back into a boy, and went to work.

The next day, after my parents had left for work, I changed back into Ai. That was the name that I had chosen for my female self. It means “love” and is a common name for girls. This time I took a little while to look at myself in the mirror. I had B size breasts, a narrow waist, a vagina, and a girlish figure. I smiled at myself. I got dressed and then went to the park. It was not hard to find Mrs. Liang. She was begging for money. I went up to her and introduced myself, “Hi Mrs. Liang, my name is Ai.” She immediately got a suspicious look on her face, “How do you know my name?” I said, “Someone told me about you. Let me take you to get some breakfast.” We found a street vendor with steaming hot baozi.

We sat down together on a park bench. She ate like she was really hungry. I talked while she ate. “Mrs. Liang, I would like to be your friend.” Again, she got that suspicious look. “Why do you want to get to know me? I’m a nobody.” I said, “I know what it is like to be lonely, and I know what it is like to not have many friends. Where are you from?” She said, “The countryside. I grew up working in the rice paddies.” I asked her, “How did you come to live in the city?” She replied, “My husband came to work here as a construction worker.” I continued asking questions until I had to leave. I went home and changed gender and clothes and went to work.

I continued living this way for several months … eat breakfast, say “goodbye” to my parents, change from Jun to Ai, go see Mrs. Liang, change from Ai to Jun, and go to work. I was tired of changing back and forth from boy to girl and girl to boy. I hated my male body and just wanted to live as Ai. Then, one day, the problem was solved for me. My mother wanted to surprise me with a present and she thought to hide it in one of my dresser drawers. Then she found my female clothes. Both Mama and Baba were waiting for me when I got home. Mama asked, “Jun, what are these?” She held up a bra and panties. “Is this some kind of fetish or are you a cross-dresser, a transvestite?” I shook my head, “No, I am Ai.” I suddenly changed into Ai. Both of them were startled. “What is this?” I sat down with them and told them of the huli jing, the shape-shifting spirit and of Mrs. Liang.

I ended by saying, “I want to become Ai full-time.” When they protested, I said, “I will sometimes change into Jun for your benefit, but Ai is who I really am.” Then I explained my discomfort with my birth gender. “I hope that you will accept me both as your son and as your daughter. However, I must be mostly your daughter, Ai.” They agreed to let me do this. “But how will you continue to work?” I replied, “I will go to part-time hours as Jun. I was hoping, Baba, that you could get me identity cards as Ai.” He nodded and said, “Ai, it will take some time and money, but it is doable.” I changed back into Jun for their sakes.

It was workable for me to spend two days a week as Jun, and five days a week as Ai, even on the weekends. Mama and Baba got used to it. I continued to be a friend to Mrs. Liang, taking her food and clothing, enabling her to take a shower once a week, which was a great improvement for her, and providing her shelter during the really cold days of winter. I would sleep on the floor as she slept in my bed. She even got to know my parents, which was a good thing. They also provided her food and companionship.

As Ai, I developed friendships with girls close to my age. I enjoyed the conversations that we would have over a cup of coffee or mocha. We talked about many different things. We laughed and sometimes we even cried together.

I did not limit my shape-shifting to just boy and girl. More than once, when I was in the bathtub, I would change into a mermaid. It was a strange sensation to flex the lower half of my body. I longed for the ability to swim in a lake. Occasionally, I would change into a fox in my bedroom, in honor of the fox spirit, the huli jing, who had given me my shape-shifting ability. I tried other animal forms but liked the mermaid most.
One weekend, I biked out of the city to a lake. After dark I undressed and hid my clothes under a bush. Then I waded out into the water and shape-shifted into a mermaid. I swam in the water and under the surface. I then discovered that I had gills on the sides of my neck, and I could stay underwater as long as I wanted. I judged my time by the movement of the stars, shape-shifted back into Ai, got dressed, and headed back into the city.

It was on the occasion of my nineteenth birthday that I met Chen, a twenty-year-old young man. He was a waiter in the restaurant where my parents had taken me. I was in the form of Ai, and I could tell that he was attracted to me. We began to date, and after a few months, we made love to each other in his apartment. It was an amazing thing when he penetrated me, and, after ejaculation, he brought me to a climax, an orgasm. I took great delight in the warmth and electricity that came in waves through my whole body.

But, as Jun, I met a girl named Lili. It was a little more challenging to maintain the relationship, since I was only Jun for two days per week. However, I managed, and we became lovers as well. One night we went to a hotel and made love to each other. Imagine my chagrin when seven weeks later she told me that she was pregnant. Now my life really became complicated. I could not abandon her. I finally did what I had done to my parents and showed her Ai. She was astounded and perplexed. “How will you provide for me? I don’t know whether to think of you as a guy or a gal. I guess I need to think of you as both. What are we going to do?” I told her that I would take care of her. I needed to tell Chen what was happening.

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” I had just changed from Ai to Jun. “I’ve gotten a young lady pregnant,” I said. “I don’t know what to do.” He looked at me, clearly disgusted, and shook his head. “Ai … I mean Jun, you have made your bed, so you need to sleep in it. You and I are through. I don’t want to see you anymore. I cannot make love to a girl, knowing that she is also a guy. That is sick.” I told him that I could understand. I needed to talk to my parents and tell them what I was facing.

I told them in the form of Jun, but then I shape-shifted to Ai. I wanted them to clearly understand the dilemma that I faced. “Jun … Ai, we clearly see your problem. We suggest that you have Lili move into the apartment with us. She will stay in your room.” I then needed to talk to Lili’s parents. They were shocked, to say the least, that I had gotten their daughter pregnant, but they were relieved to know that I was taking on the responsibility for their girl. They suggested that we get married. A government official from the Legal Affairs Bureau performed the marriage ceremony. Both our parents were in attendance. Neither of us had any siblings.

Lili and I went on a short honeymoon. We went to the province of Guangxi (Gwang-shi) where the tall mountains were that inspired the “mountain and water” paintings for many centuries. They are known as Shanshui and represent the harmony to be found in nature, and the yin and the yang.

I realized one day that the yin and yang, female and male forces respectively, were embodied in my shape-shifting nature. I told this to Lili one day and she took hold of it and owned it. She had no problem with my living most of the time as Ai. In fact, she found that she was bisexual and loved me as a woman. I continued to take care of Mrs. Liang.

One night, when Lili was asleep and I was awake, the huli jing, the shape-shifting spirit, appeared to me again. I asked, “What is your full name?” She replied, “ “Meili de nuren”, which means “beautiful woman”, but you can just call me “Meili”, meaning “beautiful” ”. I said, “Meili, why are you appearing to me a second time?” She said, “I want to commend you, Ai, on your kind dealings with Mrs. Liang and with Lili. You have done well. You will continue to do well, this I know from your true nature. I name you “Shanliang de yige”, “the kind one”. Farewell, my friend.” I said “Wait!” But she was gone again. I laid back down and thought about our all too short conversation. I had wanted to talk more with her; I had wanted to know of my future. But maybe that was not her place to tell me.

When our daughter was born, we called her Meili. When she was several months old, we left her with Mama and Baba for the night. The two of us rode our bikes out to the lake. There we shed our clothes in the cover of night, and I swam with Lili in my shape-shifted form of a mermaid. There was nothing that I hid from Lili. There were nights when I took the form of a white fluffy Persian cat and lay on her lap as she gently stroked my fur. I licked her hands, and when she held me up to her face, I licked her cheek. She laid down in bed and held me to her bosom, and I thought, “I have the best of lives possible. I could not ask for more.”

Footnote: For those of you who have read my story, “The Touch of an Angel”, the words for mother and father are the same in Arabic and Chinese … Mama and Baba.