Dear Reader, I discovered this manuscript in a cave in Italy last year when we were spelunking near Pompei. The man who sold it to me swore it was true. After getting this translated into English, we found a lab that ran a carbon 14 age analysis and verified that everything in this story was true except for the words. The pizza in Naples is amazing with fresh dough, homemade sauce, and hand-squeezed mozzarella.

Chapter Seven

You can discover all kinds of truths when you’re puking your guts out. My witch body still managed to blow out my cookies like a pro. And all those background noises I’d been hearing in my head, the thousands of whispering voices, all stop when you’re gagging into a public toilet. And this was a fancy restaurant toilet bowl. It was clean. And when you are on your hands and knees, the floor doesn’t smell like urine, either.

I was puking because I found out that my saint-like mother was having sex with a vampire. And while I had never seen her go on a date in Doug’s fourteen years, she managed to keep her love affair a secret.

I’m feeling sick because I have preconceived notions. For example, when I think of the word ‘Witches,’ I imagine images similar to Disney’s Witches from Sleeping Beauty—cartoonish, round dresses, chubby faces, full cheeks, sweet personalities, flying around with the wind, big, kind smiles, and giggles everywhere. Mom and her friends are kind, caring people who mean no harm. Mom was a PTA parent who baked cupcakes.

Evil in Disney movies was often shown by the evil stepmother, who, although sometimes portrayed as a witch, was usually a lonely, crazy person who was always punished. An evil witch was the last image on that list. Maybe they really did stir the pot in Shakespeare, but some poor witches are often misunderstood and get a bad reputation. And all the evil witches are gone before the movie ends. None of my witches ever suffered from blind rages like Godzilla stomping through the village, stepping on people, and swinging his tail.

But when I think of ‘Vampires,’ I picture something entirely different. A corpse that has been dead for two weeks, with rotting flesh that smells like halitosis, stale blood, and evil. They are all killers, driven to murder and drink the blood of the innocent. They personify senseless, shameful behavior that selfishly fulfills their mindless urges. Vampires lack humanity and grace. They often wear centuries-old Victorian clothing and have no sense of style. Just look at their manicures!

And my wonderful, loving Mom is boning the undead? Seriously?

I returned to the sink and did my best to wash the bile out of my mouth and nose. While images of Frankenstein and Bela Lugosi appeared in my mind, like scenes from black-and-white horror movies spinning around, all I could picture was some beast humping my mom like a dog in heat…

“Stop it, Anna!” Mom’s voice cuts through the images. My racing thoughts come to a halt as my mom orders me back to reality. But her reality was different. She was having sex with the undead!

And the voices are back. The images keep crashing into my face. Uncut nails, dead skin, drool, and a boner you’d see on a German Shepherd—all pink and raw.

“Anna! Cut the shit!”

Suddenly, I realized that everything I was thinking or had thought was being broadcast. My powers were surging. I was losing control. Well, I actually lost control and the entire contents of my stomach. Turning to face her, I shouted, “Mom, does he drink your blood? Is that part of the turn-on to have sex with a cadaver? You’re not mad at me, you’re disgusted by your own behavior. Seriously, how can you have any self-respect?”

I felt the hard blow strike the side of my head, rattling my teeth. Well, no, not really. Maybe a metaphorical wack, but strong enough to stop my raving. I’m crying and sobbing until Mom wraps her arms around me.

Nothing is what it seems. Doug is a pretty teen, and we’re shopping for Capris, tight jeans, and cute tops from boutiques. I have new thongs and better-fitting bras that match. I even own sports bras and workout spandex for soccer practice. But who are we kidding? The new Doug is Anna, the Witch. I’ve lost a few inches, suddenly developed boobs and hips. My hips bump into everything, and my legs are shapely and beautiful. My best friend is Luna, a silver cat who’s not really a cat but a ten-thousand-year-old demon who prefers her chicken with parsley. This demon is my bodyguard, who swallows threats whole.

Things aren’t always what they seem, and I’m some kind of creature with powers. Don’t mess with me, or I’ll turn you into a gerbil.

After taking too many deep breaths, I close my eyes and search for my inner zone, trying not to picture my Mom fighting all the Zombies from the graveyard in some sort of group sexual frenzy. But then, I realize that I’m a monster, too. I’m my mother’s child.

I sit on a bench, trying to gather myself and understand how this is happening. I’ve gone from Doug, the innocent little troublemaker, to a semi-powerful, supernatural being who can turn people into house pets. Finally, when I finish crying, I stand up and let Mom fix my hair and makeup. Looking at my reflection, I seem fine.

We walk out to our table as if nothing happened. As I glance at Judith and Polly, I see a man sitting in my seat. I stop and stare at the most handsome man I’ve ever seen. He stands and pulls out a chair for me to sit down.

Smiling, he looks at me. “Hello, Anna. I’m Derrick, the vampire who’s in love with your mom.” He grins, revealing his pearly white teeth with no trace of fangs.

I hear Mom’s voice. “I asked Derrick to join us instead of letting all of this craziness get out of control. Your perceptions have been shaped by what humans have invented about us over the centuries. Your wild cartoon-watching mind is causing you to spiral out. That’s why it’s important for you to meet the Vampire I love.”

I stare at the creature as he holds out my chair. Big and strong enough to play football, handsome enough to be a movie star, and with manners you’d expect from royalty. After shopping with Polly that afternoon, I could tell his clothes were all custom-made and expensive.

I hesitate to sit, envisioning that once I was off guard, he’d grab me by my hair and rip my head from my neck. As the blood from my body would fountain up everywhere. I pictured him burying his face into my arteries, inhaling my bodily fluid as the monster gulped it all down. I wondered if virgin blood tastes different?

Derrick turned and smiled. He leaned in and whispered, “I can’t answer that. Pretty much, all blood tastes good.”

I stare directly into his eyes. “Then you weren’t kidding. You really are a vampire and you’re my mom’s lover.”

Derrick smiled. “I am. We’ve been pretty serious for about five years, but we had to watch ourselves because we were waiting for your puberty. There were a lot of unknowns, and we didn’t want our love to interfere with your coming-out party.”

Holy shit. This guy was cool and calm. I noticed that he had tattoos peeking out of his cuffs. In an instant, I realized that Derrick was the real deal, his body covered in black swirls and markings that could have belonged to the pharaohs of Egypt. But instead of grabbing my wrist and opening up my vein, he took a sip of a chilled Chardonnay. It wasn’t even blood red. He dipped a toast point into bits of egg and caviar, and slowly chewed.

You eat food. You drink wine. And you’re out during the day. It’s all wrong!

He smiled. “Yes, Anna. I am very old and very powerful. I am not a cowering, weak body susceptible to garlic, crosses, and holy water. I don’t die if a wooden spear is plunged into my heart. I’m not allergic to silver.”

What could kill you?

I could die from a broken heart if your mom told me she didn’t love me.

I heard Polly and Judith sigh. I looked over and both of their faces were all moony-eyed, gazing at this thing. I felt like screaming, can’t you see it? He’s controlling your minds! He’s going to kill us all!

But instead, I just stared at my mom and wondered who the real monster was.