dorothycolleen's blog

Life is kind of funny

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Sometimes, God can even use somebody like me.

See, I got a ticket for an event at the Royal Alberta Museum, and so I was about to walk over when a family came and asked for my help finding the train station. So I helped them, and went over to the museum, only to find out the event is tomorrow.

So that's what I mean that God used me - if I hadn't gotten the day wrong, I wouldn't have been able to help those people.

Life is kinda funny, huh?

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Love and pom poms

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I was at my local library looking for more reading material, and came across a graphic novel called "love and pom poms" its about 2 girls in high school. they once had been close, but drifted apart as the one became more of a computer nerd while the other joined the cheerleader squad.

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sacrifices

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If you have ever played chess, you know that sometimes, you have to be willing to sacrifice a piece to gain an advantage.

Well, if life is like a chess game, then it seems that I am a pawn to be sacrificed.

See, it starts with the fact that if you removed any of the more upsetting parts of my eventful life, I would not have met Sharon, and my daughter would not have been born.

More recently, I had the chance to move into a lovely place for older adults, only to have it fall through at the last moment.

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Confession time

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Its not easy to own up to your own failures, but if this silly blog is going to mean anything, I have to be willing to talk about my screw-ups.

See, this month has been one of my worst for staying within a budget.

The only good news is I think I understand what happened.

I was in manic mode a lot this month, and as a result bought stuff to essentially self-medicate.

Now, normally, you'd associate self medication with being depressed, but my manic state doesn't just result in basically being high, it amps whatever I am feeling to the max and beyond.

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update on Sharon, and yet another dream

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Okay so to give anybody following me an update, Sharon found a place, and has a signed contract.

There is some legal stuff to get through, but baring something bad happening there, she will be able to move in at the end of October.

On a less interesting note, I dreamed I was the star of some TV movie.

I played a woman who inherits a large house, only to find out someone really doesn't want her there, and her dad's ghost is also hanging around.

Dont ask me what it means, folks. I have no idea . . .

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a small random gift

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so a couple of days ago, someone left a bag of groceries on Sharon's doorstep.

She didn't want them, and we could find no info in the bag, so my mom and I took it.

It had about 150$ worth of staples like eggs, milk, and so on. So our normal grocery run was much cheaper.

I wish I could thank whoever left the bag, it really helped us out at a time when we are trying to keep Sharon and Sam afloat as well as ourselves.

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nightmares vs flashbacks

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for decades after my eventful childhood, I suffered from night terrors.

Apparently I had managed to bury my memories deep enough they could only come out when I was asleep.

After I started therapy, the situation reversed. I stopped having nightmares and started having flashbacks instead.

I can't really say which way is worse . . .

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having a Frodo day

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If you haven't read the Lord of the Rings, at the end of the book Frodo is left with wounds that just wont heal in Middle-Earth.

I know what that is like, because like him, I have been wounded, and sometimes, just when I think I have totally healed, those old scars remind me of losses I can never replace.

Don't worry, I wont head for the Undying Lands before my time, but on days like today it just a little harder to keep going.

Hugs and prayers appreciated.

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I dreamed of my grandfather last night

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so I dreamed of my grandfather last night.

I dreamed my brother and I were at my grandparent's farm with my brother, and I somehow knew I had traveled back in time to that moment.

So I went outside to talk to my grandfather about my gender issues.

Unfortunately, I woke up before I got to find out his reaction.

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struggling with making choices

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one of the most frustrating parts of having CPST is I really struggle to make decisions. I just don't trust myself.

I try and remember that not choosing is in fact a choice, and it has consequences just like any other choice.

But it is still and struggle, and I second guess myself all the time.

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another day, another rant by Sharon

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Sharon decided to thank me for getting up early in the morning to take her to the emergency dentist, which ended with her having to make an appointment for next week, and treating her and Sam to breakfast by talking about how God made me a man.

She should be grateful God made me the kind of person who will still pick her up and help her.

Cause somedays, I have to fight my anger so I don't just stop being her unpaid cab.

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Sharon gave me a stressful day today

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So today Sharon asked me to sign a form saying I have no stake in her house, so she can put it on the market.

And she freaked out when I signed it Dorothy, and I tried to explain I had a name change years ago, and Dorothy is my legal name.

She kept saying that she was afraid that my signature wouldn't be valid, and then asked me about surgery and the fact I now have breasts.

It was stressful, but at least she didn't misquote scripture like she did a couple of days ago, trying to use the story of Sodom against me.

Ah, well.

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my brain is afraid of being afraid

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One of my biggest struggles is having a shower. (there are reasons for that, but they aren't important right now).

But what really is frustrating is that instead of my brain saying "I'm scared of showers because of BAD THING", it tries to give me excuses to not shower - I'm too busy, too tired, too hot, too cold. or tries to distract me with a book or a website or a video or even a train of thought.

It seems that my brain is scared of admitting its scared, so I have to get through the fear of fear in order to actually face my fear.

Ah, well.

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2 dreams

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2 dreams for you all:

1st dream, I somehow learned how to fly. What made it weird is nobody else seemed to be all that impressed.

2nd dream, I dreamed I was somehow in a romantic comedy. a man decided to help me meet a girl by switching our glasses. This actually worked, and the girl and I had a nice "meet cute" moment.

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stress, and possible heat stroke

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So the last while I have been running around like crazy for Sharon, as she continues to try to sell her house and buy something cheaper.

But not only have been dealing with the stress of that, it has been hot and humid here a lot lately, and I think I may have given myself issues from the heat as I am really struggling with being "off" in some way I can't quite define.

Its been a long week, and its only Monday, so hugs appreciated.

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tough day today

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kind of a tough day today.

Started with a dream where I was at some event I wasn't supposed to be at, and when caught I began to cry for mercy and was in total fear.

Then I went for a hearing test, and I will be needing hearing aids.

Then I gave Sharon and Sam a ride, and while out Sharon made a big deal of the fact I was in a skirt.

So I am accepting all hugs today.

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"I want to go home"

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so I dreamed that I was back and school, and I was doing so poorly I wanted to quit. A teacher tried to tell me to be patient with the place and with myself, but I kept saying "I want to go home".

Now, I'm no expert, but even I can see that this dream is really about life.

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dreaming of moral choices

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so last night I dreamed I was walking down a wooded trail, when I came across a choice of paths. Somehow, I could sense that it was a moral choice - one path was full of darkness, the other light.

This happened twice in the dream, and I am pleased to report that in both cases, I took the path toward the light.

Make of that what you will.

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some updates

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I wanted to pass on a few updates:

My brother is doing better thanks to the pacemaker, but is still having breathing issues that we don't know the cause of.

My ex is taking her near-death experience seriously, and has started to look for a cheaper place that Sam could have going forward, but she is showing signs of a deep paranoia that is quite worrisome.

As for me, I've been trying to do a deep dive into understanding my manic phase, but I still got a lot of work to do.

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An apology is in order

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Well, I owe everybody an apology.

Well, actually a couple of apologies.

The first is for inflicting on you all another chapter of Luck be a Lady, starring Fluke.

The second, for anybody who likes this stuff, for how short the chapter is.

The reason is due to a pun at the end of the chapter, which I am also apologizing for ...

Here is the link, just in case I haven't scared you off:

https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/107314/lucky-one-luck...

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