So last night, I dreamed I was being perused by 2 men, who were much taller than me.

I tried to run away, but I got cornered. I tried throwing snowballs at them, but they still kept coming.

Finally, I realized I had no choice, and I started fighting them.

But then something strange happened - I was winning.

Finally, I had them both down, and I told them I had been holding back, if they came after me again, they would get even worse.

Don't ask me, folks, I just get the dreams, I don't know the meaning of them.

I swear, I get one problem solved, a new one comes up.

I got my banking issues taken care of, I straightened out stuff with my family, and I got recognition as a woman while doing laundry, so everything is smooth sailing, right?

Well, no.

My mother took another fall Monday night, and is still in some difficulty.

Being the stubborn woman she is (gee, I guess that's where I get that trait from), she wont let me take her to a doctor, so I'm stuck hoping she heals on her own.

so, an update, and its not good news;

my transition is a bad joke, my family is finally tired of me, and I think I broke my bank account and am not sure if I can fix the damage.

God doesn't need to send me to hell, I jumped into the pit on my own, and didn't even wait until I died to do it.

I'm having a tough day, and struggling to find hope.

anybody got some to spare?

so last night I dreamed I was on stage for an award ceremony, and my co-presenter, who was a guy I knew in high school, leaned over and gave me a kiss on the cheek
.
I looked at him, and said he knew I used to be a guy, and he just smiled at me.

Don't ask me folks, my brain must have been reading romance stories, or something

So I saw the swallowing clinic today, and it was good news.

The first thing was they think they figured out what happened. When I last had Covid, the muscles in my throat got loose at the same time as the nerves lost their connection.

Then they took some x-rays, and the system has improved greatly

Not all the way back, but much better than the last time they had checked.

They recommended that I continue to take small sips and bites, and to periodically clear my throat in case anything had gotten stuck.

Overall, I feel encouraged.

it took me 4 days, but the essay I warned everyone of is finally up.

if you guys feel brave enough to join me on this ride, please read it and leave a comment.

if not, I totally understand.

https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/111452/magicians-force

maybe because I've been dealing with more physical challenges, but my PTSD has really been raging lately.

I may end up treating it the only way I know - write a story about it.

If I do, apologies in advance because it probably wont be nice and fluffy.

I got a new essay up.

leave a comment, it helps me more than I can say!

https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/111294/marvel-womankind

okay so yesterday Mom and I went to a laundromat to do our clothes.

And just as we had pulled out our stuff from the dryers and had started to fold them, a rainstorm opened up seemingly right over our head. The water poured down until there was ankle deep water outside the door of the place, and then a lightning bolt must have hit a nearby transformer as the place went dark and all the machines stopped working.

So I had this dream where I was working in a warehouse basement (alone, for some reason), and a group of thieves came in to steal the stuff.

I tried my best to stop them, I threw things at them I took swings with whatever I could find, I hid stuff from them, I even jumped on them.

It was not only ineffective, they didn't seem to even mind.

They found me amusing instead of even being a nuisance.

I kept on trying anyway, so I guess that's something.

I ... don't think my subconscious likes me very much ...

Well, 60 years ago, I came into the world, and according to Jaci, I've been spreading girly germs ever since!

I am not gonna claim to be any sort of expert on dreams, but when the same theme shows up in every dream for a week, I am going to assume my brain is trying to tell me something.

Each dream was different in terms of the setting, the details, but they all had 1 thing in common - I was failing at whatever the task was.

I failed in classes in school, I failed to connect to my classmates, I failed at 2 different jobs, I even failed at 2 different relationships - one with a girl, and one, surprisingly, with a boy.

From the moment I decided to attempt to bring Dorothy to life, I have been fighting against my body.

It took massive amounts of female hormones to finally quell the male ones in my body, and that was only the first battle.

Well, yesterday, I had to acknowledge my defeat in the area of clothing - specifically, panties.

I had bought some panties several months back, and I am giving up on them.

my big belly makes getting something to fit a struggle at the best of times, but my male parts make the whole thing a joke.

I think its wonderful that thousands of years ago, humans gave cute nicknames to pets, wrote each other love letters, made complaints about not being paid enough, and wrote graffiti on walls.

We really haven't changed all that much.

So I saw the lung specialist today, and it was mixed news.

On the one hand, she listened to my breathing, and it sounds good.

On the other hand, the x-rays they took show that my right lung has not fully re-inflated yet, and I still have a little bit of gunk in there, in an awkward spot where they wouldn't be able to drain it.

so nothing for it but to try and rest and take it easy a little longer.

As I age, I find I am less interested in finding a sexual partner, and want to find someone who would hold me and stroke me, and tell me I'm a good girl and . . . I've become a dog, haven't I?

I'm doing a poll, and hope I get lots of opinions

I wanted to figure out what stories of mine are people's favorites, so here is the poll. I decided that only multiple part stories that are not fanfiction could qualify, so pick one (or more!):

Between One Step and the Next: https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28016/between-one-step-a...

For some reason, I found myself thinking about my stepfather today.

I think I have moved past hating him, and now I see him is just a pathetic bully and liar.

Still have PTSD because of him, though, so I guess I just have to live with that.

so apparently, yesterday was my 17th anniversary of being in this place.

Where does the time go?

This is the story of a woman who lived as a man for a year (caution, suicide referenced);

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pXHYV_H7owI&rco=1

But as bad as it went for her, it goes worse for trans women forced to live as men ...

So today we realized there were a bunch of stuff that hadn't been done around here since I went into the hospital, and since i was in manic mode, I decided to try and reduce the list a little.

I did pretty well, but at some point the manic fog lifted enough for me to realize i had pushed myself as much as I could, and for once I actually listened to my body and called it a day.

It probably doesn't seem like much, but I'm a little proud I could override the manic and realize when I needed to stop.