I was at my local library looking for more reading material, and came across a graphic novel called "love and pom poms" its about 2 girls in high school. they once had been close, but drifted apart as the one became more of a computer nerd while the other joined the cheerleader squad.

Its not easy to own up to your own failures, but if this silly blog is going to mean anything, I have to be willing to talk about my screw-ups.

See, this month has been one of my worst for staying within a budget.

The only good news is I think I understand what happened.

I was in manic mode a lot this month, and as a result bought stuff to essentially self-medicate.

Now, normally, you'd associate self medication with being depressed, but my manic state doesn't just result in basically being high, it amps whatever I am feeling to the max and beyond.

so a couple of days ago, someone left a bag of groceries on Sharon's doorstep.

She didn't want them, and we could find no info in the bag, so my mom and I took it.

It had about 150$ worth of staples like eggs, milk, and so on. So our normal grocery run was much cheaper.

I wish I could thank whoever left the bag, it really helped us out at a time when we are trying to keep Sharon and Sam afloat as well as ourselves.

If you haven't read the Lord of the Rings, at the end of the book Frodo is left with wounds that just wont heal in Middle-Earth.

I know what that is like, because like him, I have been wounded, and sometimes, just when I think I have totally healed, those old scars remind me of losses I can never replace.

Don't worry, I wont head for the Undying Lands before my time, but on days like today it just a little harder to keep going.

Hugs and prayers appreciated.

So today Sharon asked me to sign a form saying I have no stake in her house, so she can put it on the market.

And she freaked out when I signed it Dorothy, and I tried to explain I had a name change years ago, and Dorothy is my legal name.

She kept saying that she was afraid that my signature wouldn't be valid, and then asked me about surgery and the fact I now have breasts.

It was stressful, but at least she didn't misquote scripture like she did a couple of days ago, trying to use the story of Sodom against me.

Ah, well.

an update on Sharon's health:

Turns out she is suffering from extreme spikes in her heart rate.

they have given her some meds, so we will have to see if that helps, or if she needs more invasive measures.

wore a skirt with a matching blouse to go out to do laundry and grocery shopping today.

Why?

Because I could.

So the last while I have been running around like crazy for Sharon, as she continues to try to sell her house and buy something cheaper.

But not only have been dealing with the stress of that, it has been hot and humid here a lot lately, and I think I may have given myself issues from the heat as I am really struggling with being "off" in some way I can't quite define.

Its been a long week, and its only Monday, so hugs appreciated.

new essay up!

https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/107499/origins-5-bend...

so I dreamed that I was back and school, and I was doing so poorly I wanted to quit. A teacher tried to tell me to be patient with the place and with myself, but I kept saying "I want to go home".

Now, I'm no expert, but even I can see that this dream is really about life.

I got a new song up!

here is the link: https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/107380/big-closet-ima...

I wanted to pass on a few updates:

My brother is doing better thanks to the pacemaker, but is still having breathing issues that we don't know the cause of.

My ex is taking her near-death experience seriously, and has started to look for a cheaper place that Sam could have going forward, but she is showing signs of a deep paranoia that is quite worrisome.

As for me, I've been trying to do a deep dive into understanding my manic phase, but I still got a lot of work to do.

Happy Canada Day everybody. For some reason, it feels more important this year. Cant imagine why . . .

Okay, so something happened last night I have to talk about, even though I don't know if I have the right words.

I had gotten up to go to the bathroom, and when I returned, I laid on my stomach, and for some reason, bent my knees so my feet were in the air.

And then, out of nowhere, this image came into my head of a beautiful woman, in the same position I was, also naked, and my perspective of this was like a camera passing over her, and I thought of a director including this shot in a movie because while she was nude, you don't see anything naughty from the camera angle.

Join Dottie as she plays detective on a 5,000 year old murder case!

https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/107032/law-and-order-...

As the world seems to spiral down into darkness, I am reminded of something Fred Rodgers said.

He said "look for the helpers"

Look for the EMTs, the nurses, the doctors, those volunteering in soup kitchens and donation depots. But also look for those doing small things like helping a neighbor clear their sidewalk or visiting a senior home. In times of cruelty, look for kindness, look for mercy.

So I got a new story up, and got some encouraging news about Sharon.

She went to a doctor to get medical info for applying for unemployment, and it looks like Sam will have a part time job being a aide to a young disabled man.

So double good news (I hope!)

by the way, the story is here: https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/106912/charm-ing-gift

So last night I dreamed I was back and school, and even though I was doing okay in class, I felt like there was a barrier between me and the other students, one I could see through, but could never cross. I would never truly connect with them, nor they with me.

That's pretty much how I felt in real life too - and I still struggle with feeling like that today.