I would like to tell you guys and gals about my character "Yaddie". Yaddie came about because of one of those moments i get, where i think i get a glimpse of the future, without being able to understand what i have seen. I came up with yaddie at about 6 or 7 years old. I found a tennis ball with a rip in it, making it look like it had a mouth, and being the sort of kid i was, i promptly took a marker on it and drew eyes on it and gave it a name - Yaddie. How was that a glimpse of the future?

I just had to give an update here: I have come out to my boss at work. I have talked about my assault, and was giving her an update, and she asked me (making sure to let me know that i had the right to say it was none of her business), if i was gay, and that gave me the opening to tell her about my trans status. She was fairly nonplussed and gave me some indication that if the day came that i wanted to be working as Dorothy FT, she would do what she could to help. (unofficially) It is a big weight off my shoulders.

For those of you who are interested in such things, i would like to share with you how "No Son of Mine" came about. It started with the old Genesis song of the same name. (you can read the lyrics at: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/g/genesis/no_son_of_mine.html) Because i could truly identify with the character in the song, it was a moving piece for me from the first time I heard it. It ends pretty darkly, and at some level that bothered me. I wanted some hope, some possibility of a reconciliation. Then i saw the "loophole".

Well, with all the stuff i have been going through lately, I honestly don't know when or even if i will be able to get back to "the lucky one". It requires a goofy, silly mood, and right now i just dont have it. Frankly, I am having trouble having the concentration needed to do any writing at all, so i may go a while before i have new stuff to post. I will still comment and give kudos, still support all of you when i can, but the writing may have to wait until i am more stable. Hugs to all.

The worst part of my downs is the horrible feeling of hopelessness i suffer with. It is hard to even conceive of a good outcome, much less make positive plans. I guess i thought that the anti-depressants would be a magic fix, and not surprisingly, they are not. I am still stuck in male form, still without even hope that i will be able to change that, and wishing that it all would just end. But I am needed, by my daughter, my mother, even my ex, and taking my life would be utterly selfish. I appreciate all the support i am getting here, and I will find a way to hold on.

Sometimes, i find it hard to hold back from just telling everybody about my gender struggles, and getting it over with. Other times, I realize that to do that would bring all the consequences down on my head, without actually being able to have any real positive results, except I would be free from this terrible burden of having to lie, especially to the people i care about. I pray to God that I can endure, since I see no way to move forward at this time.

Well, color me overwhelmed. The response to the first chapter of "The Lucky One" was amazing, and I thank everyone who has left a comment, you made a middle-age lady very happy. But I have other concerns to share with you all. I sort of have a crush, and its driving me crazy. She works at the day care that my daughter attends, and not only is she pretty, she is kind, gentle, and super nice. She is like a warm fire on a cool night, just being near her makes me feel better about everything. But, there are a few problems with asking her out. First, i am assuming she is taken.

Well, this might be my last update for a bit. I am writing like crazy, and i would like to finish my current project before life catches up with me. Hugs to all, and I will be back when i can post it.

Well, its been kinda a good news/bad news day. To start with the bad news, I got a reply of sorts to the reply I had sent to the fellow on the christian support group. Unfortunately, it was less than charitable, or at least that is how I saw it. At the moment I was reading it, I was on a down, so it was like a slap to my face. But, (and this is the good news) fortunately, some christian friends of mine were online, and comforted me. Then, to make things even better, I got a gift from Richie (our fellow author here on BC) - a pair of very nice wigs.

Well, the author of that hurtful message sent me a message to apologize, and although his message is too long for me to share, I would like to share my response.

I find myself conflicted. I appreciate the apology, and I forgive you. But may i point out a couple of things? First, talking about me to (other member) or anybody else behind my back is not any different than any other form of gossip. Perhaps you will learn from this to not say something about a person that you wouldn’t want them to hear.

I wanted to share with you guys a message i got on the support group site i am part of:

I read (my screen name's) latest journal and felt that he could make for a good illustration in church. It crossed my mind that we have a guy claiming to be a woman trapped in a mans body. This guy is basing his feelings as reality. I am assuming that his latest dream (his latest journal) where some girl asked him when is he going to tell the truth as meaning when is he going to come out confessing his perversion as his reality when the opposite of that would be the truth.

I am just about to go out to meet my friend dressed as Dorothy, but I am struggling. It's hard not to see what I look like in a mirror, and think "Who the heck do I think I am fooling? I don't look like a woman, I look like a bad joke, a man in drag pretending. I wish I could turn off that "tape" once and for all. I fear that as long as I hear that message, I am not going to make real progress.

Well, today was a tough, frustrating day at work, and I am glad it is over. Basically, we spent the whole day preparing for a delivery that didn't come, and then had to spend the rest of the time putting everything back we had moved out to make room. Sadly, tomorrow could be worse, as that delivery plus another are expected. But the good news is that a friend from the support site i am a member of wants to meet me in Real Life, on Thursday, and I am totally pumped. It will be really nice to have an outing with a friend as Dorothy.

Well, nobody even tried to guess the character that is based on a well known character from another author. This could mean i did a better job of disguising her than I thought, or it could mean nobody cares, take your pick. I have tried very hard to be kind to everybody here, so I hope its not the latter. I have a little piece I am working on that i hope to be finished soon, then i plan to get back to working on my "Wild Cards" story. For those who are not familiar with the series, I will put a short glossary of terms at the end of the story.

I am not sure if I have mentioned it, but I am now on anti-depression medication. The funny thing is that this doctor has never seen me in male clothing. Its still a little strange to be in a public waiting room dressed, but so far, nobody has made a big deal of it. I think that's good news, right?