CHAPTER 1
“Why do they do that?”

I put on my best innocent look.

“Do what, Con?”

“Split up like that”

“Cause they can, there’s that many of them”

“Yes, but that means they always win!”

Amina snorted.

“Just like any other teams, then. They’re mates, not one team, just like us and Dai’s lot over there, or the Suttons. I rather suspect they’re just as cut-throat between themselves as they are with us”

I found myself chuckling, memories popping out of hiding and thumbing their noses.

“Anyway, who was it said this wouldn’t be your sort of place?”

She cocked her own thumb at her husband.

“I suspect it was him”

“Doesn’t matter. Got you hooked on the quizzing, hasn’t it?”

“Well, yeah, but I’m sure this last bit, there’ll be people on their phones doing a net search”

Said husband laughed happily.

“Who’s the competitive one now, then?”

She tapped the printed sheet with her pen.

“Don’t care. This is the last one. We need five answers for a bonus point. US states, furthest to each point of the compass, and which one’s odd one out for previous owners. Ideas?”

Amina wrote down ‘South, Hawaii, Brits. West as well?’

Connie scribbled ‘East Maine Brits?’

Tom shrugged, before whispering, “Got to be Alaska for North, and that was Russian”

I nodded.

“HOSG would give it back if he could, but yeah. I’ll go with that, unless Maine was French. Write it in, Con. It’ll have to do; Marlene’s looking threatening”

I paused, before adding, “Yes, I know, but I mean specifically about handing over sheets. DAI?”

I quickly passed him ours, just as the mike rose to Marlene’s lips. As she asked if we had all swapped, I took a quick look at ‘Pobol Not Of The Cwm’s’ answer to the last question, and what the fuck? Too late now; the answers were in full flow, and we were definitely not that night’s winners. We arrived at that final question, and to a few smirks towards us from Scott and Omar, all was revealed.

“Right. South is Hawaii, and all the others are Alaska. Hawaii was ours, but that’s three for Big Bear country---no, not your sort, Jonny Boy. What was that? No. Maine is nowhere fucking near Alaska, is it, and it is my fucking quiz in my bijou pub, so tough luck. Now… scores”

Unsurprisingly, all three top spots were filled by variations of fractions of baker’s dozens, but PNOTC managed fourth, and a few vouchers as a result. Connie and Tom were off home, as she had an early start in the morning, and as a straight couple the place wasn’t exactly their scene, but dim ots. In traditional fashion, Amina and I moved our chairs across to join PNOTC so as to be able to offer assistance in prosecco disposal, whether or not wanted.

Amina did slip to the bar for another bottle, of course, but it was the thought that mattered. That and the booze. I reached for one of the packets of crisps my lover had also delivered and crunched a handful before asking the obvious question.

“Alaska? How, exactly?

Lil’s occasional girlfriend, rather confusingly another Jen, held up a hand.

“It’s one of those popular obscure trivia things”

“How can it be popular and obscure at one and the same time?”

“Um, like those online lists, ‘two thousand things you didn’t know about Icelandic yoghurt’, yeah?”

Scott added, “And now wish you still didn’t. Yeah, I’d seen that one before as well. It’s the international date line, one eighty degrees longitude thing. Alaska has islands both sides of it”

That other Jen was nodding.

“Then there’s the Diomedes Islands. They’re two and a half miles apart, either side of the line, and the time difference is twenty one hours”

Amina shook her head.

“I can see why you do well, with Jen here, your Jen. You almost caught the Bakers”

The woman shrugged.

“Yeah, but can’t manage every week, so I suppose I’m a bit of a coiled spring when I do manage to get here for the quiz. Bit of a trek from Sussex”

My wife kept prodding, as was her usual way.

“I don’t think Lil gets over into England that often, so how did you two, you know?”

“Just sort of, well, I was here on a city break and I suppose we just clicked”

Omar almost bent double with laughter, Scott waiting until he stopped shaking before topping up his man’s glass.

“Finished?”

A last snort; Scott shrugged once again before turning to their friend.

“Mind if I give the essentials, Jen?”

“No. Go on”

He turned to Amina, frowning.

“Jen here came for the quiz, but found someone trying to chat her up, and I don’t mean Lil”

“Who was it?”

“TinTin”

“Oh ick. Icky icky icky ick”

“Exactly. He offered to share a Chippy Lane kebab with her”

“Romance is not dead, I see”

“Absolutely. Omar and I sort of closed ranks about her till he fucked off”

“There’s only two of you. How can that be closed ranks?”

He turned to me with a sigh, pointing at my wife.

“She always like this?”

I gave her a hug, before confessing, “Mostly”

The other Jen almost whispered, “They mostly come at night. Mostly”, just as Lil settled into the chair she had carried over to what was now our table, adding “If they’re lucky’ to the film quote along with a decent snog of a kiss.

“Scott?”

“Uncle Dai?”

“This TinTin. Do I need to know about him? Officially?”

“Not really. Getting on a bit, chaser, always has booze in a bag. Not so much that he won’t take ‘No’ for an answer, more that it needs to be Alice’s Restaurant level”

“You mean ‘twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy photographs with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what each one was’?”

“Yup, basically”

Lil poured herself a glass of the fizz.

“He’s barred, of course. Boss boots him out with extreme prejudice, but he sneaks in every week or two. Chaser is as chaser does, like a leopard at a water hole thingy. I mean, he’s not a chaser exactly, but what Marlene calls a try sexual. All he needs in a target is a pulse”

She looked across at Sergeant Gould, shaking her head.

“No. not for you officially, Sarge. He’s not really a threat, unless to younger folk, just persistent, like scabies or herpes”

She waved at the Prossers as they led the rest of the ‘Bakers’ out of the bar.

“And our younger ones have their own shielding now”

Dai grinned.

“Traditional quote, aye? Fair point, fairly made. I’m off after this pint, by the way, and by ‘this pint’ I mean the one my nephew here is about to buy me”

Lil stood, turning towards the bar.

“I’m not putting in for a whole bottle, but I’ll stand you a pint. What you on, Dai?”

“Oh, ta. Tiny Rebel, love, the IPA”

She ambled over to the bar, taking her other half’s credit card, the cheeky sod, returning with the requested pint as well as another bottle of the fizzy white wine.

“Save some of that for Alwen, folks. She’s nearly done for this evening”

I had a quick look round, but no sign.

“She gone off with the others, Lil?”

“Who?”

“Her girlfriend”

A long and deep sigh came as an initial answer.

“Not her girlfriend, Jen, and I don’t want to break confidence, so do me a favour and don’t bring it up when she sits down. Messy and confused is all I am willing to say. It’s… I’ll say this. The other moony one, her lust object is in bloody Australia, but with Alwen, it’s not just here, it’s college as well. Bit pressure cooker… Hi, you. Knackered?”

The younger woman tugged another chair over and slumped into it with her own long sigh.

“Going to change shoes, work ones. I mean, I like the look, but there’s no support in these”

Lil sniggered.

“Why do you think me and Ox wear DMs”

“Yeah but what about Marlene? She’s aways on at least five inches and that wasn’t how I meant that to sound. Talking about HEELS, woman!”

She paused as Amina handed her a glass, then waved in the general direction of her boss.

“I mean, I’ve got a couple of pairs of heels in the wardrobe, court shoes are a must, and they look lovely, but even with only a three and a half inch heel, they bloody hurt after a while”

Amina’s snigger was far filthier than Lil’s had been.

“Some shoes are not meant for walking, love, but for lying down in. Bedroom shoes. Trapping kit”

“Sorry?”

“Ah, it’s a question of layers. You are looking at a smart pair of court shoes as something to go with a smart suit or dress. I’m looking at them as something to go with what’s under those. There are traditions!”

The poor girl was blushing now, so I shelved my mental photo album of the wife in teasing mood and gave Alwen’s shoulder a squeeze.

“Ignore this one, girl. She just likes to wind people up. How is college going?”

It was almost a sigh of relief, but not quite.

“It’s getting to the hard part of the year now, so I’m having to limit how often I work here. Coursework’s a bitch, so I can’t do early evenings or daytime. Going to be a relief when the Christmas break comes round; I can top up my funds”

Omar was shaking his head and frowning. After whispering something to Scott, he asked a very direct question.

“Alwen, love, what about the long hols? Over Summer? Please don’t tell us you stay here and work them as well”

“Um, yeah. Money’s money, after all”

“Do you never take a proper break?”

“Um, no. Used to do the Costa Pissup thing when I was still at home, but that was all. Anyway, saves the double-hump of clearing my room each term”

Omar pushed a little harder, bless his heart.

“Not even a little city break somewhere? Prague? Sitges?”

“Not even a passport, Omar. I…”

She looked at each of us in turn, probably assessing risk, then sighed again.

“Since I started working here, it’s all a bit unbottled genie. I mean, well, looking like this, I don’t have an option to play reverse stealth games. Besides which, all my docs except the old passport say ‘Alwen’. Awkward”

Scott patted her arm.

“Just supposing, love, that you could go somewhere, where would it be?”

She stared off inti the invisible distance for a few moments, before smiling as she returned to us.

“Oh, what a question! Do I go with the course, or with hedonism, or just sloth?”

My namesake asked the obvious question, and Alwen chuckled.

“European history, with a side order of Italian. Obvious choices there”

Omar offered Venice and Rome, and to my surprise Alwen shook her head sharply.

“Nope. Too obvious by far, if I want to offer a decent submission. For me, it would be Bozen, Fiume and Val d’Aosta. Um. You’re all looking puzzled, and yes, I’m used to that. It’s the history; best seen either smack in the middle or at one of the real edges, and Italy’s a patchwork, like France, so there are lots of edges. The three places I mentioned are bits of Italy that aren’t really, well, many people say they aren’t Italian. Much of it’s down to the Italians being on our side in World War One, and getting a payback from that”

Omar cast a sharp look at Scott.

“Out on a limb here, just guessing, but can we guess that there wasn’t actually much of a consultation of the locals?”

“You got it”

His teeth flashed in a grin with all humour excised.

“We’re Welsh. Of course we get it. Anyway, that all makes sense, study-wise. Sloth?”

“Ah. That’s a chip shop poster! Load of straw hits on little stilts, and they are really de luxe chalets, in the Maldives. Fully catered; you just drop off the steps into the lagoon, swim with the fish, that’s it, that’s your day. Maids come in with food, drink, all you need”

“And hedonism?”

That one brought a blush.

“No idea, have I? Not into booze or chemical stuff, me, and I haven’t exactly seen much hedonism except from outside, the working side”

“Dance like---”

“Like nobody’s watching, yeah, I know that one. I would just need a place to do the dancing in”
,
Omar tried again.

“What sort of place would do?”

“Ah, cliché time, love! Somewhere I could walk barefoot in sand, for starters. The rest, well, I haven’t exactly got a long track record with hedonism.”

Dai Gould chuckled.

“You could always pop down to Barry, love!”