CHAPTER 13
Amina pushed the door open, looked around for a spare table and then led us directly there.

“Drinks?”

I peered over towards the bar, where Lil already had her hand on a familiar pump handle.

“Goat’ll do, love. Hira?”

I lowered my voice.

“You don’t have to hit the booze, love, but nor do you have to avoid it. Try something soft first; we’re liable to end up on that prosecco by the finish”

“Um… do they do Coke?”

“I believe they have Pepsi, but same thing, really”

“I’ll have that, then, with ice and lime, please”

She laughed, much more easily.

“No, I haven’t been hanging around pubs, I just know what flavour bottles they sell in Tesco’s, and as a lady, I do not swig it from the bottle”

Amina was back immediately, empty-handed.

“Lil says she’ll bring them over when she’s poured”

Hira looked quickly at the bar.

“She’s worried I’ll be awkward, isn’t she?”

“No, Mam, don’t think so. I think she just wants to say hello again, see how you are. Hang on---being waved at”

Lil was already heading towards us when Scott and Omar passed our table, leaving hugs behind, and then Matt, Alicia and Clive. The girl was as upfront as ever.

“Fancy making it a team of six, Jen? Oh, hi, whoever you are, I’m Alicia, and these two are my fella Clive and his mate Matt. We’re all at Uni here”

“This is my mother-in-law, ‘Licia, Hira. First time at a pub quiz”

“Hiya, Hira! Jen warned you about the Bakers?”

The older woman laughed.

“Yes, she has. Their reputation is that widespread?”

“Only cause it’s all true. Now, have we got a team name? Hi. Lil”

Our friend set down our tray of drinks, smiling a little uncertainly at Hira.

“Hi, Hira. Didn’t expect to see you here, this sort of place…”

“Hello, Lil. As you can see, I am a little more, well, flexible than we all thought. My daughter and her wife tell me you are courting again. Showed me the holiday snaps”

I was almost in awe of her phrasing. Just two words, ‘her wife’, carrying so much import. Lil almost blushed.

“Yeah, but she lives all the way over in Sussex”

“Brighton, I suppose?”

“Er, no. Crawley, near Gatwick”

“Well, stop being strangers, then. Those two other boys, they are a couple?”

I answered for us all.

“Scott and Omar. Yes, Hira. Omar was one… you mentioned the beatings, yeah?”

“Ah”

I turned back to Lil.

“Tom and Connie have something on to do with their dogs, so he sends their apologies. Matt? On your own tonight?”

“Um, not exactly. She’s working tonight”

Lil pointed back toward the bar.

“She’s covering the first stint in the disco room, but she’ll be back in here in around an hour. Pining, son?”

Alicia snorted.

“Slightly! And you ought to see Clara, bitten SO hard, she is, always on video chats with Dishy Ishy”

Hira sighed, then grinned.

“I see I have an amazing quantity of gossip to discover and enjoy. And possibly disseminate and distribute in appropriately inappropriate ways”

Since the day I had first met Hira, I had understood exactly where my wife’s warped sense of humour had its roots. I realised the evening could indeed turn out to be a success.

When I headed to the bar for the next round, Marlene slipped into place next to me.

“That your Mam in law, Jen?”

“It is indeed. Trying to get her a bit more out than she has been”

“You warned her about stuff?”

“Yes, both how ruthless the Prossers can be, and what sort of bitch you can”

She chuckled, happily.

“Then we shall get to it. Just one thing: if I hit her a little too hard, just tug your right ear lobe and I’ll back off”

She was away to collect her mike, and I was left to deliver our drinks.

“Right, you collection of filthy perverts, you know the system: log into the app with your team names, and then bring them and your festeringly filthy lucre up to Moi. Usual rates, but you are welcome to come behind and slip me one by the bike sheds. Well, you’re always welcome to come behind me, of course. But I decide who gets to slip me one. You! Not seen you before. You’re very tall”

“You’ve seen me hundreds of times before, Marlene! Barry”

“Well, so much beefcake, so little time, so little spare room for memory. On a good day, that is. How big are you, Barry?”

“Six foot five”

“Six foot? And five inches? That’s not big; Marlene knows these things, and trust Moi, Marlene has known a lot of things, but there’s always time for more… but not always room”

I glanced at Hira, who was sitting open-mouthed.

“You okay, Hira?”

“Does she have no shame?”

“Um, none that any of us has ever noticed”

“She is wonderful! Do I call her, him, she?”

“Yes. It’s a courtesy thing”

“That is a strange word, given her jokes. How does that man feel, I wonder”

“Barry’s an old friend of hers. He probably feels honoured to have the spotlight on him”

“He is indeed a very big man, Jen”

“He’s one of those coppers we were talking about”

“Ah”

“Eyes down, look in, or up. Tonight’s quiz subject is… No, this microphone STILL doesn’t smell of cock. You lot need another team name. Tonight, in honour of that bitch over there with the beefcake, yes you, Gemma, getting Moi fucking FAT with your cakes and your creamy horns, tonight’s topic is food”

There were three sets of Bakers in, but we beat one of them, coming third, which was largely down to some astonishing throat-cutting from Hira, who had simply grinned on hearing the announcement before tearing through from one correct answer to another until there were no more. As the scores were announced, she sat back in her chair with a happy sigh.

“I enjoyed that. Pity we didn’t win”

Amina pointed at Marlene, who was approaching our table with a couple of bottles of fizz and the bar vouchers for the weekend.

“You have fucking pissed off the Prossers bringing this fucking ringer here. Yes, we all saw you, checking the recipe cards up those sleeves of yours. Never come back here again, unless you enjoyed it”

Suddenly, the other Marlene was there.

“Be welcome, love. It’s always a pleasure to see where people I love come from. If you want, I can send Lil over with some softer drinks for you”

Hira took Marlene’s hand with a smile.

“My daughters here gave me a heads-up before we entered, and I must say that you are very good at what you do. And thank you for the offer, but I do believe we have a couple of nice bottles here. Just one thing I would ask”

“Go ahead”

“How much would it cost me to slip you a list of my best quiz topics so that we can beat those Baker people?”

Marlene was chuckling as she strutted away, and as I watched her, I spotted Alwen behind the bar, serving one of Debbie’s lot; she gave me a little wave which I assumed held more than a smidgeon of vicarious gratification at ‘her’ team’ placing above Bakers.

When I turned back to the table, Hira was almost through what was clearly only going to be her first glass of fizz. Lil was chatting to Ox, and as she hung up a towel, I realised she was doing some horsetrading, but on Alwen’s behalf, for it was the younger woman who stepped out and headed for our table. Amina watched as she gave Matt a pretty full-on kiss, and then explained to Hira.

“That’s Alwen. I think you can work out where she fits in here”

“She’s very forward”

“Spent too long being backward, aye? That right, girl?”

“Shut up and pour me a glass. Bit brain dead after the disco room; no chance to talk to anyone in there, apart from asking if they want ice and a slice. Ox is doing us a favour, but if it gets busy at the end, I’ll pop back over”

Hira looked over to the bar.

“Which one’s Ox?”

“Blue hair, black vest”

“Ah. Is that a man or a woman?”

“No”

“Sorry?”

“Ox is neither. They’re non-binary. Complicated, and my feet hurt, so your two ladies can explain later. You beat one of the Baker teams, then?”

I waved at Hira, who was grinning happily.

“We brought our ringer. Rather into cooking, she is”

The older woman laughed, as happily as I felt myself grinning.

“How does that saying go? Hold my coat! I’m Hira, Amina’s Mam”

Alwen raised her eyebrows.

“How did you find the place---NO! Don’t do an Amina on me and say ‘My daughter showed me the way’. One of her is enough, thankyouverymuch”

Hira took another large mouthful of prosecco.

“The host is very good at what… she does. I was impressed at how well she could find double meanings”

I laughed out loud, saying that Marlene had been restrained, for Marlene values of that word, and Hira shook her head.

“I am well-versed in such humour, Jen. As a girl, I was very fond of a radio show called ‘Round the Horne’. There is no need to warn me bout innuendo. I had to make sure I listened to it without my parents hearing, of course, but that’s what earphones are for, is it not? Anyway, that bottle appears to be empty, for some reason. Another?”