We're all girls inside.
So why's the 'boy' role easy
for all the others?
After finally understanding that cis people exist I spent the next few years figuring out what was in fact me and what was my trying to be a man. I got that sorted out in the end – and some time later this psychologist asked if I'd considered what to do about my autistic traits. Oh, fsck, a second mask to take off that I hadn't realised was there, I guess I know how to deal with those by now.
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Comments
Autistic Masking
Did you always mask your autistic traits ?
I don't think ever masked much (though have never discussed this with anyone) and I don't think autistic boys do it much (unlike autistic girls who are likely to mask a lot).
(Here in the UK it seems that more tgirls are "on the spectrum" than not.)
Of course :)
I didn't have the concepts to really understand either the gender issues or autism, so I figured that the neurotypical way to interact with people was simply something that everyone learned, just like every boy learned to deal with wanting to be a girl. And of course most seemed to have less problems with either than I did.
Decades later, changes in the work environment took away too many of my ADHD coping mechanisms so I went for a formal diagnosis, and at that point the psychologist asked if the autistic side should be diagnosed too. My reaction was essentially 'WTF, I'm autistic?', at which my mother and daughter both went 'well, duh'. So, yes, not only did I mask right from the start but I didn't realise that was what I was doing. But to be honest, it was kind of validating to find that even in childhood my AuDHD had presented in a girl-typical manner.
I'm still masking but these days it's a conscious decision and situational. Like, in a meeting I keep most of my tics in muscles that aren't immediately visible (I spent rather a lot of effort at school learning to not wink randomly – opening and closing the Eustachian tubes is so much less impolite), but when reading alone that kind of control is a complete waste of energy. Also, being an elderly woman with a hint of autism allows for quite a bit more eccentricity than desperately trying to be a regular man approaching middle age.