CHAPTER 46
I didn’t get back to the Smugglers for a couple of weeks, partly due to shift patterns, but also because of nerves. I was dancing from one state to the other over Amina, and despite the good wishes from Ange’s family, I still felt as if there was one of those cartoon angels sitting on my shoulder, whispering ‘Betrayal’. Not just of Ange, of course, but of Lil.

I’d done all of the cliché stuff, even doing a for/against list on an old envelope, but my mind simply wouldn’t agree with itself. All I knew was that when Amina was in front of me, I stopped thinking and started reacting. I needed to think, though, get my head straight. The guilt would still be there, whichever way I jumped, because the two of us had already stepped well over any notional mark.

I did bite the bullet eventually, showing my face on a Thursday evening after the last of a run of early shifts, and it turned out to be a pretty quiet evening. Scott and Omar were there, the latter looking so much better compared to what Tom and I had picked up from that side road. I got a prolonged account of student gossip, which I realised belatedly was their attempt to keep me from thinking about my own life, and then Lil was dropping onto a stool at our table.

“Break time for this girl. What’s the goss?”

Scott gave her an edited highlights version of the multi-volume work I had been given, and then cocked his head at Omar, and they both rose.

“Taking Omar to have a listen to what the DJ’s playing, girls. See if it’s worth a bop”

They left the bar, and as Lil started to say something, I interrupted her.

“This was a set-up, wasn’t it?”

“Um, yeah, sort of. We need to talk”

“About Amina, am I right?”

“You are”

“Your turn, then”

She took a few slow breaths, obviously seeking the right place to start.

“I saw you at New Year, Jen, and I know what she said, about getting the butch woman to leave you alone”

“Yes. It worked”

“And I heard about her birthday party. In the car park”

“What did you hear, Lil?”

“Neither of you holding back, so I was told”

I went to speak, but she actually reached across the table and put a finger to my lips.

“Shush. Here’s my bit. Get it all out in one go, aye?”

I nodded, silently.

“Two things, Jen. You and Ange, and you and Amina. She’s always fancied you, and she told me that. She’s a real romantic, is Amina, just like you, and she needs the whole fairytale bit: life partner, happy ever after, the lot. That’s not me, never has been. Her Mam could see that, and in the end, so could Amina. If you two work, well, she’s not mine anymore, and, to be honest, she never was. Never could be… You’ll be beating yourself up through guilt, and it’ll be the same over Ange.

“Listen: I loved Ange. Not the way you did, but I can’t think of a finer friend. Have you spoken to her family?”

I nodded, still keeping silent.

“Knowing you, you’ll have told them just about everything”

I spoke up, finally.

“I did, and they came back and, well, they guessed right about who it was”

“Really? Shows how obvious it is to other people. So what did they suggest?”

I wasn’t going to share their words, but I summed it up.

“I have their blessing, essentially”

“I thought you would. They are family, after all. So, there’s the thing, aye? No guilt needed, is there”

“But---”

“No. Said my piece, and my break is over. What you do, what choice you make, that’s down to you, or rather to you and Amina. I’ve got customers, so I will see you, or both of you, whenever”

She went to the bar, and I simply finished my drink and left.

Amina knocked at my door the next afternoon, holding a collection of food containers in a bag that she insisted on putting in my kitchen.

“You’ve been avoiding me”

Once again, I simply nodded.

“Won’t work, Jen. Mam’s on your case as well now”

“Why?”

“Because she is neither blind nor stupid. She’s packed you a couple of meals here, or maybe one”

“Sorry?”

“There are two meals here for one person, or one meal for two”

“Oh”

“Can I have more than one word at a time, please? And may I sit down?”

“You know where the chairs are”

“That’s why I said ‘may I’, Jen. Not letting you go off down blind alleys. Not going to make you talk, but I know what your shifts are, because I have a nosey Mam. So I have brought over a few DVDs as well as the food, so I propose a quiet evening in”

“What DVDs?”

“An old black and white horror I like, a silly sort of comedy set in The Valleys, a counting one with Samuel L Jackson and the remake of Dad’s Army”

“What do you mean by ‘a counting one’?”

She walked past me to the sofa, slumping down with a sigh.

“Fair point, woman. All of his are counting ones. I count the number of times he says ‘motherfucker’. Never fails. This one, he even sings a song at the end, which, um, serves up a rich harvest for the connoisseur. Please sit down, Jen”

I hesitated for what seemed like an eternity, then sat beside her as she showed me the discs. At least, they would spare me from having to talk.

We chose the horror to start with, an old film called ‘The Haunting’, and by the end, I was deeply grateful I hadn’t watched it just before bedtime. I could see why it spoke to Amina, because it was not only well-shot, with dialogue as frightening as any modern CGI scene, but if it wasn’t really about lesbians, I’m the Archbishop of Canterbury.

‘Very Annie Mary’ was the second, and that one had me grabbing Amina’s arm so that she would rewind the graveyard scene.

“I know that place! Just down from my old home! That angel there, aye? I’ll show you one day when---”

I realised she was looking at me, smiling gently, rather than at the screen. I settled back in my seat, and reached over her to press the ‘play’ button.

We ate our meals on our laps, Amina with a little notebook that she filled up with five-bar gates as Jackson ‘mofo’d’ his way through the film, and Amina giggled at a rant in Spanish from Selma Hayek.

“I know enough rude Spanish for that one! Ooh! Anyway, one of those words is almost exactly the same in Welsh, and another’s close enough”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. Puta and putain, cago and cachu”

“You can swear in Spanish?”

“And French and German. Enough to get by, anyway. And Welsh and Urdu, of course. Then again, all I usually need in Welsh is ‘coc oen’, cause it’s usually men I swear at”

I found myself laughing, and she quietly said, “That’s better”, and went back to her counting.

We finished off with the Dad’s Army, or at least the first twenty minutes of it, because that was when Amina simply said, “Motherfucker it”, and kissed me, and all of my resolve went out of the window.

I don’t know which of us was pushing the envelope, but we went from snog to, well, grope, and then so many things seemed to make sense right then, and we shared breakfast the next morning.

I was wobbly again after she had left, and once again didn’t see her or contact her for well over a week, until she simply turned up unannounced once again.

“Yes, I do know your shifts. We’re going out”

“And if I say no?”

“I’ll ignore you and drag you anyway”

No choice, then. I grabbed a jacket, and of course we ended up in the usual pub, where Lil gave us both a really warm and welcoming smile. Scott and Omar were only two of those who greeted us with variations on the theme of ‘have you two stopped pissing about yet?’. I did notice the one conspicuous exception, which was Marlene, and I understood. She may come across as the ultimate sharp-tongued bitch, but the real person had a huge heart; well-hidden, but there to see, if you really knew her.

Biker Debbie turned up with a few of her girls, and as I was only half paying attention, more concerned with who was going to make the next comment about Amina and me, it was some time before I realised who exactly was with her.

The girl with all the dark hair, of course, several others, and a large figure in a skirt who I had last seen in a doorway. She was smiling this time, though.