I take a deep breath before knocking on the dance studio door, my hands still shaking with nerves following Bailey’s surprise.

“I- I’ll g- get it,” I hear Bailey say on the other side of the door, lessening my nerves somewhat — at least it’ll be her who sees me first.

I try to force a smile on my face as my girlfriend opens the door, only for her eyes to widen and immediately slam it shut again. The next think I hear are confused murmurs from the other girls, before Bailey clears her throat and takes a deep breath — something I know to be a big deal, given her phobia of public speaking.

“G- g- girls,” Bailey announces. “W- we h- have one m- more g- girl in t- tonight’s c- class.” I bite my lip as I straighten my baby pink tights and adjust the strap of the large, but still tight black leotard, before stepping forward, though I only manage one step before freezing due to the gasps and looks of shock in my friends’ eyes. I fold my hands in front of my flimsy pink dance skirt to keep them from shaking, before taking a deep breath.

“H- hi,” I say in as soft a voice as I can manage, waving nervously at my friends. “I — I’m Lisa. Lisa Maxwell.” With my friends remaining silent, my heart racing and my whole body trembling with nerves, I tentatively take one step forward, only to freeze when Lily — who up until now has had her arms crossed — holds out her hand to stop me.

“There’s something you need to know,” Lily says in a voice so emotional she’s almost hoarse. “If you — if you step over this blue line, you won’t… you won’t be an honorary girl anymore.” And there it is, I think to myself as in my head, I play out a million worst case scenarios.

Videos of me will be posted on the internet. Everyone at school will see them. My sisters will see them. Every day for the rest of my life will be spent cringing in shame, forever being known as ‘stupid ballet boy’….

“You won’t be an honorary girl,” Lily continues, “because you will be a girl. Full stop. End of story.” I bite my lip as the other girls all nod in agreement and stare at me expectantly, causing my anxiety to be replaced by excitement, even anticipation. All of the times my friends have professed support for LGBT issues weren’t just lip service or virtue signalling. They meant every word they said. The question now is: did I when I said that I was Lisa Maxwell? In front of me lays acceptance, but also expectation. Would they expect to hang out with ‘Lisa’ more often? Would they prefer ‘Lisa’ to ‘Liam?’

Ultimately, though, there’s only one way to know for certain. I bite my lip again as I take a step backward, before balletically leaping over the blue line to the delight of all of my friends. Before my back leg even has the chance to hit the floor, my friends all rush me and envelop me in a tight group hug- and there’s only one word on their lips.

“Lisa! Lisa! Lisa!” My friends all chant as a wave of euphoria washes over me, but more importantly, a feeling of pure love. In this moment, right here and now, I can forget all about ‘Liam’s’ stresses. I can forget all about ‘Liam,’ even. Right here, right now, I am not that permanently stressed-out boy anymore. I’m not that kid who was mercilessly bullied by ‘his’ sisters when younger. I’m not even an orphan. I’m one of the girls, plain and simple. And so what if I’m a ‘misfit?’ I’m PROUD to be a misfit. And by the looks on my friends’ faces, they’re proud to call me a misfit alongside them as well.

“Oh my God oh my God!” Bryony squeaks as she gives me an extra-tight hug. “I knew there was something extra cool about you!”

“I — I dunno that I’d say ‘extra cool,’ ” I reply with a snort of laughter.

“Well I would,” Sabrina concurs with her best friend as one by one, all of the other girls nod in agreement — even Sabrina’s sister. “Coming out like this to all of us? The courage that must take, it — heh….” An awkward silence falls over the room as Sabrina and Bryony exchange furtive glances — memories of the latter’s own disastrous coming out are clearly still fresh in their minds.

“You could say,” Daisy says between loud chuckles, “that Lisa showed the true sign of courage and ‘lost a pair!’ ”

“Amen to that, sister!” Molly giggles. “And you look c-u-t-e cute in that leotard, Lia- Lisa, hehe!”

“Thanks,” I whisper. “I kinda feel like a gorilla in a tutu, though, so how-”

“Ah-ah-ah-ah,” Lily interrupts in an almost angry tone of voice. “MISS Maxwell, was it or was it not you who, earlier tonight, said ‘tonight, no one is laughed at, sneered at or criticised for any reason?’ “

“Well — yes, I said that, but-” I try to reply.

“No buts!” Lily interrupts again. “No criticism includes self-criticism as well. You are standing here dressed more or less the same as every other girl in this room. Does that make you a girl, yes or no?”

“Well — I guess…” I mumble.

“Don’t ‘guess,’ ” Molly chastises me. “Yes or no?”

“Yes,” I say firmly.

“Anyone want to disagree with that?” Lily asks, and predictably, no one in the room raises their hand- not even me. “Well, then, MISS Maxwell, looks like we have a class to get to, hehe! And for the record, I’m not even angry that you’re ‘depriving the world of a cute boy.’ Firstly, because I have no right to be, and secondly, most importantly, you make a hell of a cute girl!”

“I- I- I ag- gree,” Bailey says, smiling wider than I’ve ever seen her before as she links her fingers with mine.

“D’aww,” our friends all sigh happily.

“Hmm, well, I can teach ten just as easily as I can teach nine,” Nicole says with an excited giggle. “And take it from someone with experience — you’ve definitely landed on your feet coming out to a group of girls like this one. Kinda reminds me of my friends from school, except you’re more the ‘Terrific Ten’ than ‘Excellent Eight,’ heh.”

“Actually, we call ourselves the ‘Misfits,’ “ Daisy informs our ‘teacher.’ ” ‘Cause each of us doesn’t fit in ‘normally,’ I mean. Well, most of us don’t, anyway.”

“The Muslim girl, the Polish girl, the disabled girl, the gay girl, now the trans girl,” Ari clarifies as she points to Farah, herself, Daisy, Bryony and me respectively.

“A- and the b- b- bi girl,” Bailey says as she raises her hand. “B- b- before I- I star- started d- dating Li- Lisa, or e- even kn- knew ab- bout her.” I bite my lip as Bryony steps forward and wraps my girlfriend in a tight hug, before gesturing me over to join the hug — an invitation I obviously accept.

“Nice to not be alone, isn’t it?” The tall blonde girl whispers to both of us with a sad smile. “Not — not that I’m criticising you for not coming out, I just — heh. I’m glad you — both of you — felt you could trust us enough to, well, be your true selves. When you joined our table, Liam, you did kinda remind me of my older sister in a way. Only female friends, feeling more comfortable at the table than with the meatheads… yeah. I think you’re already got each other on Facebook, but I — I won’t tell her about you when I get home, but I’ll basically tell her to make herself available any time you need to talk to her, heh.”

“Same goes for my sister,” Lily says with a smile, which I mirror.

“…So, 6-4 to the ‘Misfits,’ then?” Nicole asks with a bemused smile.

“Well, 7-3, really,” Jo — who up to this point had seemed reserved, almost far away, even — retorts. “I mean, yes, I have asthma, which sucks, but if — ugh. If you include the fact that I have to see a therapist every two weeks because of how much my sister bullied me when I was younger….” I bite my lip as the blonde girl’s eyes start to well up, before deciding that I have to be the one to initiate the group hug — something the other girls all join in without hesitation.

“Been there,” I whisper to Jo, who smiles sadly behind her black facemask. “In fact, I — heh. You might as well all know now, I — yeah. You all know I have two older sisters, both around ten years older than me, right? It SUCKED growing up with them. They would — ugh. They would… they would make me dress up in their clothes, then make me dance around and, like, record me. For their own amusement.” I bite my lip as my friends look at me passively, before Jo returns my earlier gesture and gives me a tight hug, the rest of the girls following immediately afterward.

“Is that-” Molly asks, before pausing, fidgeting as she tries to word her next question sensitively. “Is that why, umm….”

“Why I’m trans?” I ask, replying with a shrug. “I wish I knew. I talk to a therapist — like, because of my, umm, my parents — but they seem to think it’s because of what my sisters did to me, like, Stockholm Syndrome or whatever it’s called. All I know is — is how I feel on the inside. And I feel more — more ‘right’ like this, being one of you, even more than just being an honorary girl, if that makes sense?”

“Perfect sense,” Bryony says with a smile. “A lot of what you said, it — it sounds like a lot of what Ash said when she first came out. I mean, I’m no counsellor, but — yeah. I’ve shared a room with a trans girl for, like, years now. I think I can tell when someone’s being, like, sincere when they say who they really are.”

“Thanks,” I whisper.

“I forgot we can add ‘Mensa level IQ’ to your ‘misfit card,’ ” Sabrina teases her best friend. “And it’s 8-2, by the way, not 7-3, as I can’t call myself NOT a misfit if I’m on medication for ADHD, can I?” I bite my lip as Nicole gently places a gentle hand on Sabrina’s shoulder — proof, along with Bryony’s testimony, that it IS possible to have a healthy relationship with an older sibling.

“9-1,” Molly says with a sigh as she exchanges a furtive glance with her best friend. “What? You all know I’ve got dyslexia, you know I need to have an overlay to read ANYTHING. You know I’m in a lower set for English… trust me, it’s not much but I — sometimes I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb whenever I have to use my overlay….” Unsurprisingly, another group hug ensues.

“Guess that leaves you as the ‘1’ in ‘9-1,’ Lily,” Sabrina chuckles.

“Nothing more ‘misfit’ than being the only non-‘misfit’ in a group of misfits,” Farah giggles, though our smiles fade as, much to our surprise, Lily wipes a stray tear from her eye.

“…Lil?” Bryony asks. “Are- are you okay?”

“It — it’s 10-0,” Lily sighs. “And not just ‘cause of being, like, the odd one out, heh.”

“Lil,” Molly gently whispers. “Don’t — you don’t-”

“Don’t tell us anything you’re not comfortable telling us,” I say gently. “Like you said, whatever it is, we won’t sneer or criticise, but we also won’t if you want to keep whatever it is to yourself.”

“Totally,” Sabrina confirms with a nod.

“No, I — I want to,” Lily says, gripping her best friend’s hand for support. “I — ugh. For the last three months, I’ve — I’ve been seeing a counsellor. For… for anorexia.” This revelation elicits gasps from the rest of us, before once again, we envelop the distraught girl in a group hug, letting her cry away her stress until she’s ready to talk again.

“Lily, I — I had no idea…” Nicole whispers. “I know your sister’s had her struggles with eating disorders, but-” the older girl pauses as the words ‘eating disorders’ sets Lily off crying again, with only another group hug helping her calm down again.

“So — so, well, yeah,” the distraught girl whispers. “I have to keep a food diary, I have to watch how much I exercise — basically, yeah. After tonight I’m going to have to go home and pound peanuts before I go to bed to make up for the lesson, and cheer this afternoon, so — yep. Laura knows about it and feels rotten, like it’s somehow her fault, but — but this is entirely on me.”

“Not anymore,” Sabrina says softly. “It’s entirely on US. When one of us is hurting, we all stand together. Right?”

“Right!” All of us yell, finally putting a smile back on our friend’s face.

“Right,” Lily whispers. “I — I love you girls. All of you.”

“Right back at you, sister,” I say softly.

“You girls…” Nicole sighs, clearly close to tears herself. “Honestly, there isn’t a girl alive who wouldn’t be lucky to have friends as amazing as the ten of you, heh. And if you wanted, like, a ‘group counselling’ session while dressed up, that’s entirely fine by me. But who wants to try learning some fucking ballet instead?” The mention of why we actually came today quickly puts smiles back on our faces, and following the cue of the more experienced dancers, we line up in front of our instructor for the evening, who leads us in stretches and warm-ups.

Once we’re sufficiently warmed up for the lesson — what little remains of it, anyway — we’re divided into pairs, with us ‘novices’ each paired with a more experiences dancer. I at first partner with Sabrina, but this doesn’t last long before her sister calls her over to partner with Ari, the only one of us ‘novices’ who isn’t a ‘complete novice.’ Instead, I find myself being assisted by Lily, and by the look on her face, she’s almost as emotionally mixed up as I am.

“Hey,” Lily whispers as she stands next to me and begins manipulating my hips into a more balletic stance.

“Hey,” I reply softly. “So… guess this came as a surprise, then?”

“Hmm… maybe a little,” Lily confirms. “I mean, like Bryony said, there were clues, I guess. You always hanging out with us, the — heh. The way we met, you confusing me with my sister, it — yeah.”

“Yeah,” I echo. “I mean, about that, I’m sorry if I-”

“No, don’t — don’t apologise, seriously,” Lily interrupts. “Heh, I’m still making it up to Laura for snapping at you after that — well, that initial ‘misunderstanding.’ If this is who you need to be, you shouldn’t let anyone hold you back.”

“I don’t plan to,” I say, earning a smile from my friend.

“This really — this really is genuine, isn’t it?” Lily asks softly. “I mean, not that I’d doubt you, but — you just look so much happier, you know?”

“I FEEL so much happier,” I reply with a giggle that my friend shares. “For the first time ever, I actually feel like I have somewhere I belong, you know? And I know what my counsellor’s going to say: I’m only doing this because I didn’t fit in with my sisters when I was younger, and now I feel that the only way to belong is to fit in with a group of girls. But that’s just — that’s just crap. I know what makes me happy. I know when I’m feeling — well, like where I’m meant to be. If I was still dressed as ‘Liam,’ I’d — well, I know I’d be with friends. But as ‘Lisa?’ It’s like my life has only just started making sense. Though I don’t know if any of THAT made any sense….”

“Perfect sense,” Lily says with a smirk. “Remember who my sister is? A lot of what you just said, she's also said, and I mean, like, word for word. Heh, which makes it all the more embarrassing that I didn’t realise it earlier….”

“Hey,” I chastise my friend. “Didn’t you literally just tell me that we’re not allowed to be critical of ourselves today?” I bite my lip as my friend rolls her eyes, before giggling and nodding.

“…Touche,” Lily concedes. “Now stretch that leg, MISS Maxwell!”

“Sure thing, MISS Ruddock!” I reply, giggling as my friend takes a hold of my knee and manipulates it into a position that at first feels unnatural. When I look in the mirror, though, I realise just how effortlessly I’m fitting in with the rest of the girls — and not just my fellow ‘misfits,’ but with Lily, Sabrina and all of the other girls as well.

We spend the next half hour learning the basics of the dance, and while we don’t get to do anything that could actually be described as ‘dancing’ as such, the mere fact that I’m here, learning the same as the other girls, is enough to keep my euphoria levels through the roof.

Even as we stretch and shake out our limbs to 'cool down' after the lesson, I can't stop smiling. I do feel a little twinge of sadness, though, at the knowledge that in a few minutes' time, I'll have to become 'Lisa' again, but tonight I've gained something far more precious than an hour dressed as 'Lisa' — I've found my 'tribe.' Nine of my peers who now love me and support me as the girl that I am. When they gesture for me to sit with them in a circle on the floor, I don't have to think twice before joining them and spending the next twenty minutes simply chatting before finally calling an end to the 'lesson.'

However, thinking twice might have been in my best interests….

“Liam?” The voice of my oldest sister asks as we exit the studio, making my whole body freeze as the colour drains from my face. If I thought that the look of shock on Sonia’s face was bad, though, it’s nothing compared to the look of near hysteria on the face of my other sister?

“Liam?” Melanie asks, her eyes lighting up with cruel mirth as she fishes around in her coat pocket. “Oh, I am TOTALLY getting a video of this!”

“N- no, plea-” I stammer, though before I can so much as another syllable, the other ten girls immediately step forward, forming a human shield between me and my sisters. I instinctively duck down so I’m out of sight of Melanie’s phone, though predictably, this doesn’t deter her.

“Well? Get out of the way, I want to film my brother!” Melanie indignantly snaps at my friends, and immediately I’m transported back to when I was six, posing and prancing around in ridiculous costumes for my sisters as they watched, filmed and laughed at every second of my embarrassment. All of a sudden, the black leotard and pink tights that cover my body — that I barely even noticed toward the end of the lesson — feel tighter than ever, almost like they’re constricting me, making me smaller until I am that little kid again….

Of course, the biggest difference between then and now was that back then, I had no one on my side, not even my parents until it came time to issue a feeble punishment to my sisters that they would inevitably ignore. Today, though, I have friends — and Sonia and Melanie are vastly outnumbered right now.

“We’re not moving one inch,” Lily says, her body language making it as clear as her words that she’s prepared to defend me no matter what it takes.

“No, go on, move!” Melanie insists, and while the younger me would’ve instinctively kowtowed and obeyed, my friends aren’t even remotely as intimidated by the older woman.

“No fucking chance,” Daisy snarls, making me wince — Melanie does NOT respond well to being confronted like that….

“Am I meant to be intimidated by you?” Melanie sneers, making me wince even more — if there’s one thing Daisy despises, it’s being treated as less than she is. Fortunately, before she can respond, another voice joins the argument.

“It’s not just her,” Molly says. “It’s all of us. And you are NOT filming our friend.”

“ ‘Friend,’ ” Melanie snorts. “Yeah, right- h- hey, what are you doing?” In my stress, I hadn’t noticed Sabrina slip away from the ‘human shield’ to retrieve her own phone — which she now has pointed directly at my sister’s face.

“What does it look like I’m doing?” Sabrina replies nonchalantly. “I’m filming YOU.”

“I do not give you permission to film me,” Melanie sneers.

“Well WE don’t give YOU permission to film our friend!” Sabrina retorts.

“If I want to film my brother, I do not need the permission of a bunch of stupid teenagers!” Melanie snarls, her temper clearly reaching boiling point.

“I’m afraid that’s where you’re wrong,” Nicole says in an authoritative voice I’ve never heard her use before, and judging by her reaction, neither has Sabrina. “THIS teenager — who’s nearly twenty, by the way — is the responsible adult in charge of this class. And as a responsible adult, I can tell you that you need written permission from ALL of the parents and guardians of anyone under the age of sixteen before you can film anyone in the class. Do you have that permission? No? Didn’t think so. I’m also going to have to ask you to show me you deleting any photos or videos you’ve taken so far. I’d hate to have to get the police involved….” Holy crap, I think to myself. Why couldn’t I have had Nicole as my big sister growing up?

“Mel,” Sonia — who has, up until now, been quiet — whispers to our sister. “Come on, just — just tell the taxi to go, we’ll get another one.” From where I’m crouched, I can’t see my other sister’s response to this, but the next thing I hear is the front door of the dance studio open and close, followed by the unmistakable sound of a taxi driving away. “…Liam?” I bite my lip and try to compose myself, wondering briefly just how red my face is as I slowly stand up. My face remains fixed on the floor as the girls part and I take tiny steps forward. An awkward silence fills the room for what feels like an eternity, before being broken by the most unexpected voice.

“L- L- Lisa j- just w- wanted to b- be one o- of u- u- us,” Bailey explains, though before she has the chance to finish speaking, my eyes widen and I start to hyperventilate at her choice of words — and that choice is clearly not lost on Sonia either.

“ ‘Lisa?’ ” My sister asks, and next to me, I hear my girlfriend start to hyperventilate too. “L- Liam, is there something you want to tell me?” I pause and fidget with the waistband of my skirt, still painfully aware of how I appear right now, and how badly I am sticking out compared to my friends.

“Umm, can we — can we talk in private, please?” I mumble, unable to turn around to face my friends as I make the request of them. I feel SO small right now….

“We — we should probably get changed anyway,” Lily mumbles, biting her lip as she and all of my friends look at me.

“Do you all have lifts home?” Sonia asks.

“That’s all been taken care of,” Nicole replies in a much gentler voice than the one she used to speak to Melanie. “If you — if you want to talk privately you can sit at the side of the studio, just don’t cross the blue line in outdoor shoes.”

“Okay,” Sonia whispers before heading toward the studio. Instinctively, I start to follow before pausing to think. I don’t want to shut my friends out, not after they showed me so much support just now, but at the same time, I don’t want to depend on them too much, or for them to think of me as needy… but I simply can’t talk to my sister alone, not dressed like this.

“B- Bailey,” I say, making my girlfriend stop in her tracks just as she reaches the changing room door. “Could you, umm, please?” Seemingly reading my mind, the bespectacled girl just nods and walks toward us, gripping my hand as we head to the seating area of the studio. My hand remains clamped around Bailey’s as we sit down a couple of seats away from my sister, who is seemingly as lost for words as I am right now.

“Okay,” Sonia says, taking a deep breath. “First things first, Bailey, it’s nice to finally meet you in the flesh, heh.”

“Th- th- thanks,” Bailey replies, her grip on my hand telling me that she’s almost as anxious as I feel right now. “I- it’s n- nice to m- m- meet you t- t- too.” Sonia opens her mouth as if to make an immediate comment or reply — no doubt about my girlfriend’s stammer — before pausing to consider her next words.

“Thank you,” Sonia whispers, before sighing. “Maybe I — maybe this is me being out of touch with ‘proper Gen Z’ or whatever, but I — if I or anyone I knew had a boyfriend who dressed like that, they — yep. They wouldn’t be a boyfriend for very long.”

“I- it d- doesn’t m- matter t- t- to m- m- me what L- L- Lisa w- wears,” Bailey replies, making me grimace again at the use of the name ‘Lisa.’

“Okay,” Sonia mutters. “That’s very… liberal-minded of you. But — but Liam, why — why are you doing this in the first place? Why are you dressing up with these girls? Why are you letting them call you ‘Lisa?’ ” My sister ends her questions there, but I subconsciously know that her last question was incomplete: it should have been ‘why are you letting them call you ‘Lisa’ like we did when we bullied you as a child?’

“I — umm…” I reply, trying again not to hyperventilate as I consider my answer. Should I tell her the truth? What would happen if I did? Would she support me in transitioning? Would she go the opposite direction, forbid me from seeing my friends, Bailey included? What will life be like with her knowing? Will she resume her campaign of torment against me? Would Melanie make my life a living hell?

What would mum and dad think about me telling them I wished I was their daughter?

“It — it’s just a game,” I reply, my whole face flushing and tears forming in my eyes as Bailey nearly crushes my hand. “The — the girls were all dancing around — umm, Bailey, Daisy and Farah had never taken ballet before, so we set up the lesson as a sort-of treat for them, like a private party in a way that didn’t break any Covid rules, and they had a spare outfit, so — yeah. I, umm, thought it’d be funny, like, and so did the girls. Like, a drag act, sort of thing.” I sniff back tears as I study my sister’s face to see if she believed my lie, though my heart starts to tear in two as I hear Bailey sniff back tears of her own next to me.

“Okay,” Sonia says, her face not betraying any emotion — or more importantly, whether or not she believes a word I’m saying. “Okay, well when the girls are finished changing, if you, umm, want to change too, I’ll wait and get a taxi on the app. I think Mel’s already gone, so — yeah. Bailey, do you need a lift home?”

“N- no,” my girlfriend replies, shaking her head. “I- I’m g- getting a l- lift with D- Daisy’s m- mum.” And so was I, I think to myself as I wonder just how I forgot that Sonia said she’d get a taxi and come and pick me up from the studio. No doubt there’ll be several unread texts on my phone, too….

“Okay,” Sonia whispers, remaining silent as Bailey and I head back to the reception, where our other friends have all changed back into their street clothes and immediately surround us the second they see us.

“Lisa! Oh my God, are you okay?” Lily exclaims, looking almost on the verge of panic herself. “We are SO sorry, if we’d known your sisters were coming-”

“Yeah, that — that’s my fault,” I interrupt, before letting out a long, pained sigh. “I — my sister told me she was going to get a taxi to come and pick me up, but I was so distracted, I — yeah. And, umm, it — it’s ‘Liam,’ not, umm, ‘Lisa.’ ”

“…Oh,” Lily says, clearly taken aback by this news even as I desperately try to keep myself from completely breaking down. “Umm, okay… are — are you sure?”

“Yeah,” I reply immediately, before letting out a low moan that only loudens as my friends embrace me in another group hug. “…No.”

“If you need — whatever you need, all you have to do is ask,” Bryony says softly. “ ‘Liam’ or ‘Lisa.’ Just remember that no matter what happens, you are NOT alone.”

“What — what happened?” Sabrina asks.

“I — umm, I’ll explain tomorrow,” I sigh. “I need — ugh. I need to, like, think about everything. And I’m sorry if I, like ruined toni-”

“NO,” Daisy says forcefully, immediately silencing me. “Tonight was as much for you as it was for us. There’s nothing wrong with being a friend in need.”

“Even if what you need is, like, time and space to figure things out,” Bryony says softly.

“Thanks,” I whisper. “Right now, I — I think I just need to get out of these clothes….”

“Take this,” Bryony says, handing me a large plastic bag with her own worn dancewear in it. “My family already wash four dance uniforms twice a week, they won’t notice a fifth. And I’ll return it to you… well, when you want it.”

“Thanks,” I say, taking the bag and heading toward the changing room, only for Bryony to grab my arm and stop me before I’ve even taken two steps.

“And — and take it from someone with first AND second-hand experience,” the blonde girl says with clear sadness in her eyes. “Don’t shut us out. It’ll only make things worse.”

“I — I won’t,” I mumble. “But I — I am gonna need time to, like, think about tonight, and everything….”

“Of course,” Bryony whispers, smiling as I disappear into the changing room, emerging a short while later once again as ‘Liam.’ And while part of me is glad to be back in my ‘normal’ clothes, I felt intense twinges of regret as I slid the soft pink tights off my legs, almost like I knew I’d never get the chance to wear them again. And there is a part of me that never wants to wear them again, the part that will only ever associate tonight’s experience with the stress that came from how it ended. But there’s a much, much larger part of me that just wants to pull the dancewear back on and be ‘Lisa’ for as long as I can be. Forever, even….

After handing the bag to Bryony and bidding farewell to my friends — including sharing an extra special hug with Bailey, obviously — I follow my sister out to the waiting taxi, and we're soon on our way back home, the entire ride being conducted in an awkward silence. Once we’re back home, though, Sonia speaks again.

“Y- you know, Liam,” Sonia mumbles softly. “If you ever want to talk about tonight-”

“I won’t,” I interrupt my sister. “I — I’ll be fine, as long as we don’t, like, bring this up… especially with Melanie.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll have words with her too,” Sonia reassures me. “What she did, trying to film you, was NOT on. But your — I was really impressed by your friends. Most teenagers — well, most teenagers when I was your age — would’ve killed for the chance to humiliate their friends like that.”

“Yeah, well, I obviously have better friends than you did,” I retort with a shrug. “Most of them have dealt with enough shit that they don’t think it’s funny to pass it along to anyone else.”

“…Can’t argue with that, I suppose,” Sonia mumbles. “I’m going to watch TV for a bit, do you need anything?”

“Nope,” I reply as I fish my phone out of my coat pocket and switch it back on and am inevitably bombarded by dozens of missed notifications.

In addition to my missed messages from Sonia, I have missed messages from both Bailey and Bryony, though surprisingly, there's no notification of a group chat. Though it shouldn’t really be a surprise after tonight that I’m not invited into the group chat — hell, I’m probably the subject of it….

For obvious reasons, I open up Bailey’s chat first and discover that she’s sent more than one message — and true to her character, they grow increasingly anxious with each successive one.

‘Liam, are you okay?’ The first message reads.

‘Liam, please text me when you get this.’
‘Please text when you get home, I’m really worried for you.’
‘I’m really worried now, please let me know you’re okay.’

The final message, though, is the one that sends my anxiety levels through the roof.

‘Was what you told Sonia a lie, or was what you told me a lie?’ Bailey asks, and I feel my entire body start to sweat as I consider my answer — though I can’t think for long, as by now Bailey will have seen that I’ve read her message. Ultimately, there’s only one answer I can give to her question.

‘I don’t know,’ I reply. ‘And I’m okay now that I’m home. I guess I just need time to figure things out.’

‘Okay,’ Bailey replies almost instantly, and even through text I know her well enough to know how upset she is by my reply.

‘But I’m not going to shut you out, you or any of the girls,’ I hastily type. ‘I think I might need you more than ever, in fact.’

‘This may sound bad, but I’m glad to hear that,’ Bailey types after a long pause. ‘I’m happy you feel you can rely on us, and I want you to know that you can always count on me being by your side whether you’re Lisa, Liam or undecided.’ I bite my lip to keep yet more tears from spilling from my eyes as I read and re-read my girlfriend’s message, before putting my thoughts into words.

‘I really am the luckiest person in the world to be going out with you,’ I type, earning a ‘crying and smiling’ emoji in return, which I can easily believe reflects Bailey’s face right now.

‘I’ve got to get ready for bed now, but we’ll talk tomorrow,’ Bailey types. ‘And however selfish this might sound considering what happened, thank you for organising tonight. I genuinely thought I’d hate it, and yes, I was terrible at it, but it genuinely felt good to actually feel just like one of the girls, not like an outsider. I hope that you were able to feel the same way too.’

‘I did,’ I confess. ‘And for however short it lasted, it honestly felt great, like the best feeling in the world. Thanks for bringing along a uniform for me too, even if I might never wear it again.’

‘You’re welcome,’ Bailey types. ‘And I have a feeling you might do again, sooner than you think. Good night!’ I smile as Bailey goes offline, before remembering the other unread chat I have with, appropriately enough, the girl who’s taken custody of what is still — for now — my dance uniform.

‘Hey Liam, or Lisa,’ Bryony types, making me fidget in my seat. ‘Message me when you get back please.’

‘Hey,’ I reply. ‘I’m back home now, I’m okay and I’ve already chatted with Bailey.’ Unsurprisingly, it doesn’t take long for the 'typing notification' to pop up on my screen.

‘Good,’ Bryony types. ‘I’ve talked with Sabrina as well, it didn’t seem fair tonight to have a group chat without you in it for obvious reasons.’ That explains something, at least, and after yesterday afternoon it does at least feel good to know I’m not just being excluded for being a 'boy' yet again. ‘I’ll keep hold of your leotard until you decide you want it back.’

‘Don’t you mean until if I decide I want it back?’ I ask.

‘No, I don’t think so,’ Bryony replies. ‘Don’t forget I’ve been here before, and that’s why I messaged you, to try to persuade you not to shut the rest of us out. Ash did when she first tried coming out to our dad. I went about as badly for her as it did for you tonight, and she responded by getting rid of her secret stash of girls’ clothes and cutting off all contact with her friends. She’s told me since that that was the biggest regret of her life, even though they’ve long since reconciled.’

‘It’s okay, I’m not going to abandon you girls,’ I reassure my friend. ‘As long as you’re okay with me being a coward?’

‘You are not a coward!’ Bryony chastises me. ‘Take it from someone with experience, coming out is the hardest thing in the world. Both me and Ash completely made a mess of ours and it nearly cost us our relationship with our best friends. But once we were properly out, things were so much better. I agree though that it sucks that anyone should have to come out at all. People should be like ‘yeah, okay, sure’ whenever you, I or anyone says ‘I only fancy girls’ or ‘I want to be a girl.’ ’

‘No argument from me,’ I type. ‘And thanks for keeping hold of the dance gear, hope it’s not in the way too much.’

‘Lol you saw how stretchy it is!’ Bryony replies with a ‘laughing’ emoji that makes me blush. ‘I could probably swallow all of my dance tights without any water and not even know I did it, they’re that stretchy. But you know that from first-hand experience of course.’

‘Lol, yep,’ I reply with a ‘blushing’ emoji.

‘No ned to blush,’ Bryony types. ‘Girls wear tights, it’s as simple as that. Even girls who only want to be ‘honorary girls’ for now. Hopefully we’ll see you at the table tomorrow, ‘honorary-or-otherwise girl?’ ’

‘Assuming I’m not kicked out again?’ I reply.

‘Never again,’ Bryony types, followed by a ‘smiling’ emoji and, much to my surprise, the rainbow flag and the trans pride flag emojis. ‘See you tomorrow, whether you’re Liam or Lisa!’

‘Bye!’ I type, before putting my phone down and trying desperately to make some sense of my thoughts.

Of course, the most important question is: what do I really want, to be ‘Liam’ or ‘Lisa?’ Bryony’s messages seem to make the decision almost trivial, as though it wouldn’t be that big a decision in my life, even though I know it absolutely would be. On one side of the argument, I now know for certain how my friends — especially Bailey — would react to ‘Lisa.’ On the other side, I also know how Melanie would react to ‘her.’ Sonia… is much harder to ‘read.’

On the one hand, she was just as shocked as Melanie when she arrived at the studio to find ‘Lisa’ waiting for her. But unlike Melanie, she didn’t immediately pull out her phone and try to film my embarrassment for her own amusement. Other than that initial shock, at no point did she react with anger or ridicule… if I didn’t know any better, I’d almost think that she’s grown up and is taking her responsibilities toward me seriously. Or maybe she’s delighted that I’ve chosen to embrace the very thing she and Melanie used to make my life miserable as a kid….

However, as my counsellor would insist — and I’ve already said — most importantly would be: what do I want? The evening I spent with the girls as one of the girls — not an ‘honorary girl,’ just ‘a girl’ — was the best evening of my life so far, and without doubt the happiest night of my life since my parents passed away. Though all that does is make me wonder how mum and dad would react to me telling them I wanted to be ‘Lisa’….

I barely sleep thanks to how scrambled my thoughts are following the dance lesson, and when my alarm goes off the following morning, I barely have the energy to drag myself out of bed and through to the kitchen to help make breakfast. A quick glance at Sonia shows that she obviously slept better than I did but still has a lot on her mind — no doubt concerning 'Lisa.'

“Morning,” I mumble as I pour myself a bowl of cereal.

“Morning,” Sonia replies in a voice barely louder than my own, which is very unusual for her. “How are you feeling today?”

“Meh,” I reply with a shrug. “It — it’s a Wednesday, what more needs to be said?”

“…Quite a lot, actually,” Sonia says bluntly. “If not to me, then at least to your counsellor tonight.”

“Yes, yes, I will, I promise,” I retort, gripping my spoon tightly as I feel my anxiety levels start to rise.

“Good,” Sonia whispers. “As — as long as you talk to someone about — well, about last night. Liam, I get — I get that you said it was a game, but you do have to admit, like, you do only have, well, female friends.”

“…And?” I ask, even though I know exactly where my sister is going with this line of questioning. Namely, somewhere she’s already been multiple times….

“Well, it — it’s not ‘usual,’ is it?” Sonia replies. “You’re nearly fifteen, and when I was at school, there weren’t any boys your age who were, well….” Go on, I think to myself.

“…Yes?” I prompt.

“Well… let’s just say ‘comfortable with being called Lisa,’ ” Sonia continues, making me fidget — of course she’d bring up that name. “Why — why did they call you that name, anyway?”

“It’s a female version of ‘Liam,’ I guess,” I mumble in reply as my heart races and my whole body starts to perspire.

“Yeah, but there are other names to choose if that’s what they wanted,” Sonia continues her interrogation. “Lily, Leah, Leanne would be the most obvious ones. Why would they use the same name that….” And now YOU know what it feels like to not be able to spit the words out, I think to myself as I regain a sliver of confidence.

“…That you and Melanie bullied me with as kids?” I ask, biting my lip as Sonia nods and blushes. “I dunno. Like I said last night, it — it’s just a bit of fun, that’s all. Only this time I actually get to have fun too.”

“Fair enough,” Sonia grunts, before pouring her coffee and heading through to the living room, where we eat breakfast in silence.

Other than a pair of ‘byes,’ we don’t exchange any other words before I leave for school, but it’s clear from my sister’s body language that she’s not happy about being called out like she was. Thankfully, that’s a confrontation I can put off until later — and I might be the only kid in the entire world who’s actually relieved to be physically going into school today.

…And as sure as the Sun rises in the east, when I arrive at the school gates, all nine of my friends are waiting for me, all with clearly concerned looks on their masked faces.

“Hey, Liam,” Bryony says, giving my arm a gentle squeeze as I approach the group. “How are you doing today? Did you sleep okay last night?”

“I — I’m fine, honestly,” I sigh. “I’ve talked to my sister and — yeah. I — I’m still not sure what I want to do. I mean, regarding Liam, or — or…”

“We get it,” Sabrina interrupts.

“Thanks,” I mumble. “Maybe when I stop being such a wuss about this, I’ll fig-”

“NO,” Bryony insists firmly, a look of near anger on her face. “Did you listen to anything I said last night? What you did last night, it — it took courage beyond belief. You too, Bailey, and the same can be said for you too, Daisy, Farah. And believe me, I know a thing or two about what it’s like. So no, you’re not a 'wuss,' or a coward or anything else. You’re — you’re just a human who’s been put in an impossible position.”

“And even if you were a coward — which you’re not — so what?” Lily snorts with a shrug. “It’s only your life that’ll be affected by your choice. You’re still going to be our friend either way, aren’t you?”

“Well — yeah, obviously,” I say, smiling as my friends all playfully cheer. “And thanks, heh. I guess I needed to hear that.”

“Well, we’ll happily say it again anytime you need us to,” Bryony says with a wide, genuine grin.

“Though if I can offer some advice,” Daisy interjects. “The worst thing you can do in a situation like this is ‘man up.’ There’s literally nothing that’s ever been solved or improved by doing THAT.”

“Too right!” Molly cheers, the ten of us all laughing as we head to our respective forms, Bailey happily squeezing my hand as we walk side-by-side.

“Thanks again for last night,” I whisper to my girlfriend, who simply smiles and nods in reply. “Both the talk and — well, the ‘physical gift.’ ”

“Y- you’re we- welcome,” Bailey whispers in reply. “I th- thought y- you’d l- love it.”

“And — and I did,” I sigh. “Despite how the evening ended, I — yeah.”

“S- sounds like y- you know w- what d- decision you’re g- going to m- make,” Bailey whispers with a knowing look, and despite everything that’s happened over the last 48 hours, I’m forced to conclude that she’s right. The more I think about it, the more I realise that ‘Lisa’ is the ‘real me.’ For the brief, wonderful time that I was one of ten girls, rather than the only boy in a group with nine girls, I actually felt for the first time ever like I truly belonged somewhere. I just wish I knew how to tell Sonia — or even Melanie….

“…So yeah, that’s what’s been happening over the last few days,” I explain to my counsellor later that night. “It’s been pretty — well, yeah.”

“It sounds like it,” Darren says softly. “But it also sounds like that evening with your friends, at the dance class, you were — you were happier than you’ve ever been?”

“…Yeah,” I reply with a resigned sigh. “I just — yeah. No matter how badly it ended, I — I wish I could have more evenings like that. I just — I just wish I could have what I wanted without all the stress that goes with it….”

“Well, that’s the thing, isn’t it?” Darren says. “But there is something I can do that might help. I’ve said before that I’m not qualified to diagnose or treat gender identity issues, but that I would try to refer you to someone who can. Well, we do now have an opening for sessions with a counsellor who can help you. They usually only deal with adults, but I explained to them that you’re nearly fifteen and that you — that you’ve had to do a lot of growing up recently. And, well, they have said they’re willing to speak with you for a provisional session, if you’re interested.”

“Yes, absolutely,” I reply without hesitation.

“Okay,” Darren says with a nod. “This won’t replace our sessions right away, but given time, we’ll assess your needs and decide what’s best for you. And of course, we won’t inform your guardian until you’re ready for us to do so.”

“Thank you,” I whisper.

“Hopefully you’ll be able to see this as a step in a positive direction,” Darren says with a smile. “Both the gender identity counselling sessions and that you were able to come out to your friends.”

“Well — yeah, I guess,” I reply, and while I still feel uncertain, I’m forced to accept that my counsellor is correct, and that ‘Lisa’ returning is a case of ‘when’ rather than ‘if.’ Though I have no idea what the circumstances of ‘her’ return will be — and I can’t even begin to predict what the consequences will be….