"I exist because you say I can"
That's a line from the latest chapter of "The interview", but it also describes the way I feel going out in public as a woman.
I'm extremely lucky here, for the most part people are too busy with their own lives to worry about the guy in a dress, but I am always aware that exceptions do exist.
I never forget I do not pass, that I exist as a woman because nobody cares enough to fight me on that.
That's puts me above what some trans people deal with, but the anxiety is always there, that's just the way it is.
Comments
You Exist Because You Made the Decision To Be You
You have the absolute right to define who you are.
No one else has to give you that permission.
Do you think how you present yourself is any less of a personal decision than what church you attend . . . or don't attend?
You're a courageous person who believes in herself. Most people don't. Most people allow someone else to dictate their every move. Witness the movement around the world toward authoritarian governments. Witness the willingness to embrace Trump and Barr and their theories of absolute authority.
Your ability to swim against the stream is admirable.
When green is all there is to be
It could make you wonder why
But why wonder, why wonder?
I am green and it'll do fine
Thanks Kermit!
Jill
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
I exist in despite of them.
I live each day in defiance of those who wanted to destroy me and almost succeeded, and those who still want to destroy me.
I sometimes say I'm not afraid of hell, because I grew up there. I'm still amazed I didn't actually kill myself, but only was obsessed with the idea. They tried to destroy me, but they failed. Though I'm pretty broken, I'm still alive. My life ever since has been a process of bit by bit overcoming the damage they did, of facing the fears and self-hatred they beat into me. (As they say, living well is the best revenge.)
My transition is just one example. When I started on this path, 15+ years ago, I had to face down the fear that someone would kill me for stepping out of the prison cell of masculinity. I told myself that cowering in fear amounted to not really being alive. And besides, I might get run over by a bus tomorrow, you never know. (And we all die in the end, no matter how careful we are.) Live as me and maybe be killed? Or hide, and live a life no better than death, and in the end, die anyway? When I put it that way, it doesn't seem like such a hard choice.
I go out each day, knowing that anyone who really looks at me can tell I'm trans, and I make a virtue of it. If anyone ever challenged me (they never do), I'd say, "yeah, I'm trans. And proud of it!" That's my trans advocacy. For me, every day is a Day of Trans Visibility. The haters -- the transphobes, the TERFs, the gender police, the misogynists, the haters of all kinds -- they may kill me, but they won't shame me or scare me back into that prison cell. Until they succeed, and despite the wounds, the brokenness, the terrors - I will live (as best I can) as me.
In defiance of them all.