Like many of us who suffer from gender dysphoria, I have had more than my fair share of suicidal thoughts over the years. Hell, I spent a good deal of my time in service to my country inadvertently placing myself in harm’s way, subconsciously seeking my own death.

I spent multiple sleepless nights staring at my M1911, or calculating how much spironolactone it would take to lower my blood pressure enough to end my suffering. I lost count of the number of times I stood in the middle of a bridge string at the river far below me, or how many times I swerved at the lat minute before driving into a bridge abutment. I even researched the best way to off myself, which for those interested involves a tank of helium, a hose, a plastic bag, and a roll of duct tape.

But every time I found a reason to keep on living, usually because I couldn’t let down those who depended on me.

Well, I have a new reason to stick around. Her name is Natalie, and she is 3 months old.