The Magician's Force

Author's note. This essay contains a discussion of abuse. please read with care

A very long time ago, I read a book that is part of a series called “Another Fine Myth”. The main character is named Skeeve, and he ends up trying for the job of court magician for a nearby kingdom. As part of his “audition” he had the king pick between 2 of Skeeve’s companions.

As the narrator, Skeeve then pauses to reveal the choice is rigged, he knows which companion he plans to work on regardless, and calls this misdirection “the magician’s force”.

Now this idea stuck in my head for a very long time, but for almost as long I had no idea why.

Then, just a few days ago, I finally figured out the truth.

I had been through a much darker version of this idea.

What made the connection was I had read an article on how abusers manipulate their victims, and one of the ways mentioned was to give the victim a rigged choice. This would then provide the excuse for the abuser to “punish” the victim for failing.

My abuser did a variation on this. He started by claiming to understand my gender issues, by offering me an opportunity to dress as the girl I saw myself as.

And then he would ... Well, we don’t need the details, except to say part of what would happen next would be me being forced to repeat how much I deserved what happened.

He would make me deny my own humanity, and call myself . . . a toy.

And unfortunately, that kind of “training” goes deep.

Even so many years later, even after therapy and finally coming to see my drive toward being a girl as not a curse but simply part of my nature, I still have times when I struggle to see myself as a human.

But the good news is I have gotten better, so this story isn’t my full story, not anymore.

And some of the credit for that goes to those who have offered me love and support, even on the times when I don’t think I deserve it.

So to all of you, thank you.

End.