Dear Dorothy,
I am not sure if you want to hear what I have to share with you, or if you are willing to act on it. Any advice I can give you is worth what you pay for it, namely: zip, zilch, nada, zero.

I have been through very similar emotional situations and struggles. Add to that the manic depression diagnosis that you have mentioned previously. Though I am struggling with paradox seasonal depression; which means that I struggle with depression when there is more than 10,5 hours of daylight per day. So my best season is from mid-October to early-March (at least here in Germany). Back in Paraguay there was never less than 10,6 hours of daylight per day, so I was struggling with chronic depression.

To add insult to injury, back in Paraguay, I had to contend with constant [low-level] social mobbing from extended family and society in general, so I can thoroughly empathize with you on the quasi-suicidal thoughts that you are expressing in your short prose above. Reading between the rather sparse lines, I get the impression that you are the victim of a lot of emotional/psychological abuse. And the definition of abuse is that personal boundaries are ignored and violated rather frequently and regularly.

Medication is NOT the solution, though sometimes it CAN be a necessary crutch that is needed for a spell. They generally only help in the very short term. In the mid to long term it is necessary to some more or less radical changes to our personal environment, surroundings, attitude and modus vivendi. I have personally found having this quote taped over my workspace to be helpful:

Suicide is a very permanent solution to temporary problems.

The serenity prayer, central to virtually all 12-step self-help programs (like the Alcoholics Anonymous or Emotions Anonymous), has also been a big help in my struggles:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change.
Grant me the strength to change the things I can change.
And grant me the wisdom to discern one from the other.

I have often enough mentioned the importance of setting and enforcing personal boundaries. I will not repeat all that I have shared in the past. Another important personal boundary CAN be a strict NO CONTACT policy. I have had to do that for my own sanity! There are several relatives that I would avoid at all cost, virtually to the point of being rude in social settings. But the best and maybe easiest way to implement a no contact boundary is to put some considerable physical distance between us. (There generally is no need to resort to a judicial restraining order.) In my case that meant moving from Paraguay to Germany. In your case, it might be enough to move from Alberta to Manitoba or Ontario.

Unfortunately our nuclear family often fails to be the safe space and safety net that we all need in today's hectic society and world. So, we sometimes have to make the painful decision to cut all ties with [most] members of our blood family and find a safe haven with other kindred spirits. In my personal experience, I have found organized religious groups to be just as abusive in more cases than not. So I am rather wary in that regard, though I do have some deep spiritual roots and principles that still guide my life to this day.

Over the last 10+ years I have learned that most of the principles applicable to the physical health care are just as applicable to the care of our psychological, mental and emotional health. The main difference is that in the latter case the wounds and scars are generally not as visible as in the former case. But just as the wound from a third-degree burn needs to be protected from physical contact and contamination, so also a psychological wound from emotional burns needs to be protected from contact and contamination! While most people will make accommodations and concessions for bandages visible over physical wounds, that is not the case for most psychological or emotional wounds. And if certain people are constantly sabotaging the healing and recovery process for your wounds, then they need to removed consequentially from your life.

Additionally, for most of us it is nearly impossible to handle this alone, so the help of a psychologist (NOT a psychiatrist) is often very helpful in the process of identifying the causes of our wounds, as well as the resulting triggers for further difficulties, and the process of healing and recovery, including identifying and learning new modi vivendi and operandi. This process will include pain and a lot of personal effort. For some this is a fairly straight-forward and quick process, for others it will take a long time to achieve results. (Just as it takes only about four months after planting to harvest wheat, but at least five years to harvest apples, or even 80+ years to harvest an oak tree.)

I remember reading the heart-breaking stories of our trans pioneers from the 1960s, 1970s, 1980s and 1990s, who more often than not could not maintain any contact with most of their immediate and extended families. Granted, in those times transition required mayor surgery and contact was mostly cut of from the other side. But at the same time this loss of contact also spared them from continuous mobbing from well-meaning „family“.

I am sorry for sounding harsh to you Dorothy. As far as I can see from where I stand, it is either continue to wallow in self-pity that is self-destructive and heading toward possible suicide, or make some painful and radical decisions of imposing personal boundaries that get defended consequently against ALL comers.