By Iona Laing

Chapter Eleven – Feelings, Plans and Decisions.

(Jennifer.)

‘That’s the front door, and one, no two sets of footsteps, that’s good, both my girls home safe and sound.’

“Come on girls, I’ve got you some homemade lasagne just coming out of the oven!”

“That’s great Mum, let me just quickly get changed and washed up, Jessie is in the loo, but kid gloves Mum, she’s had a tough night, so no third degree just yet, okay?”

I gave Jenna a quick nod as she ran upstairs after giving Jeff a kiss on his forehead as he slept in front of the television watching some mindless sports programme. Jessie popped into see her dad too, before coming into the kitchen.

“Hi Mum, that smells nice, you know you’ll never get rid of Jenna and me if we can always come home to one of your meals!” she gave me a one-armed hug and a kiss on the cheek.

She slid into one of the chairs around the dining room table, something that rarely held more than the four of us these days, not like when the kids were all little and it was pandemonium at mealtimes, quite literally feeding times at the zoo. Jessie looked really tired and more than stressed out by something.

I knew she would tell me what was going on when she was good and ready. I knew it was something associated with Jenna too, but Jessie always worried me. Jenna was almost bomb proof, but Jessie’s health was always fragile to say the least. She poured three glasses of water from the jug I had placed on the table.

“You’re late Jessie, I thought you were coming home around sixish tonight!”

“I was Mum, I was looking forward to watching the football on the tele with Dad tonight, Aston Villa were playing in Liverpool, well, there again, I may well have slept in front of the game with Dad, but Jenna needed my help with a patient, so I’ll catch the highlights later!”

“Who needed your play skills this time of night Jessie, I thought the staff were looking to settle the kids down, not get them excited and all alert!” It was then I noticed Jenna in the background violently shaking her head behind her sister.

“That smells great Mum, I’m starving, come on Jessie, tuck in and I can have the leftovers!” Jenna nudged her sister who seemed unusually reticent.

“You take what you want Jen, it smells lovely, but I am not overly hungry!”

“No, you don’t Jessie, you either take your proper share and eat it, or I am not eating either!”

“But. . “

“No but’s Jess, eat or else!”

“Or else what!” Jess almost snapped at Jen.

“Or else I will tell Mum what has you wound tighter than a watch spring before you are ready to tell her in your own words!”

“I don’t need this!” Jessie said tiredly, “I am not a child, and I am going to bed!” and she started to rise. Jenna put her hand on her sister’s arm and Jess was about to remove it forcibly from Jenna’s grip when a voice called from the living room.

“Jessie Jocelyn Jones sit down and behave, and you Jenna Juliette Jones stop winding your sister up!”

Jess slumped back in her chair as her father came into the room and sat next to her and placed his arm tenderly around her shoulders.

“I can count on the fingers of one hand how often “The Twins” have had words, so what has you so stressed that you are arguing with your best friend?” Jessie’s head slumped forwards and it was obvious from her shaking shoulders that she was crying. She didn’t speak but reached for Jenna’s hands and squeezed them.

“Shall I tell them Jess!” asked Jenna quietly. Jessie nodded but said nothing, but you could see the tears collecting on her napkin. I put the lasagne back in the oven to keep warm.

The tale that Jenna related about this young mite dumped back into the system in such a thoughtless and uncaring manner horrified me, Jeff was visibly angry too!

A system that was already creaking at the seams that would show little compassion for this wee mite tore at our hearts. Jen told how problematic Julia had been, in that she’d given up all hope and refused to relate to anyone, from teenaged trainee nurses to seasoned grandmothers, no-one and nothing could make an impression on this girl.

Yet within twenty minutes Jenna heard giggles and a spirited conversation taking place in the room as the two occupants both shared experiences of being ill, of being lonely, of feeling little if any love.

Jenna shared how quiet Jess had been as they walked back to where their cars were parked, and apart from snapping at her Jess hadn’t let her in to how she was feeling tonight.

Jessies head shot up towards the ceiling but at a ninety degrees angle to the seat she was in, tears flowing down her cheeks.

(Jessie.)

“I feel like shit! That’s how I feel, I feel like absolute crap, and before anyone reminds me of suitable language for a young lady, well, at this precise moment, I don’t give a flying fart.

I know all the technical stuff about not getting emotionally involved. Of separating heart from brain so I can do my job properly. I spent my morning with terminally ill kids, and I could keep the two halves separate. It’s really tough, but I can do it.

This afternoon I was preparing two kids for surgery tomorrow, again, professional and detached to a fault. Then I get called to Julia, and guess what, all my training and professionalism pissed off out the window in a heartbeat, I cannot, and I will not, get the vision of her heartbroken expression from my mind’s eye.

I have consoled the siblings of children who have died. Yes, I can see their faces still, but I can compartmentalise the emotional from the rational. Then there is Julia. That could so easily have been me, but I was luckier than her!”

“If you can call getting half beaten to death lucky!” her father muttered under his breath.

“But I had a family, Dad, a family who loved me and stood by me!

Julia has absolutely no-one and no hope of getting anyone, as she has some pretty significant health problems as far as the system is concerned, and the system is broken and not fit for purpose.

The system stinks, and yes, I know Julia is only one child the system is trying to cope with, but she has become the child I have to help, she’s my child and I’ll be damned if I am going to let her be destroyed by an over worked and under resourced care system, I owe her more than that.”

“You are wrong Jessie, she is not alone, she now has you!” smirked Jenna.

Jessie looked down and slowly, through her mascara-streaked face, a smile slowly grew.

“Why do I think I have just missed something significant?” asked their father.

(Jennifer.)

I looked at my two youngest girls and observed the almost telepathic link they still shared. Both were on the same wavelength. Jeff just glanced between the two of them, then looked at me and shrugged in confusion.

Jessie went to the cooker and extricated the lasagne yet again. She placed it by Jenna, removed a chunk of the slightly dried up meal for herself then both silently dug into their belated evening meal.

Jessie spoke to Jenna whilst eating.

“What time will Karen be in tomorrow do you think?”

“I’m pretty sure she starts about eight!” responded Jenna.

“That’s good, it gives me time to go see Julia first thing, just to make sure she’s okay and to show her I honour my promises, and I may even be able to get some breakfast in her!”

“I’ll make sure she’s included in the goings on of the ward while you are busy!”

“Thanks’ Jen, when do you think she’ll be well enough to be discharged?”

“I’d hope by the weekend, but if needs be, I could drag it out a day or two longer, but anything beyond Monday could be a problem!”

Okay Jen, let’s hope Karen is in the right frame of mind to pull a few strings for me?”

“I’m sure she will Jess, you know she thinks the sun shines out of your ars…! I mean she thinks the sun shines out of your backside!”

I thought it was time I injected myself into this discussion.

“Right, you two, I will now mention the use of language suitable for hearing coming from the mouths of two genteel young ladies! Such as you pair!"

Both gave me sheepish smiles, and replied simultaneously, “Sorry Mum!”

Jeff glanced between the two of them again.

“Okay girls, I am a mere male so am not privy to the inner workings of the female mind, so for my benefit, can you tell me, in layman’s terms, what you are concocting between the two of you.”

“I would appreciate a head’s up too if you don’t mind!”

Jessie patted her lips with her napkin.

“Okay, Mum, Dad, I am going to see if I can become an emergency foster parent.

Because of my job I have already been through a lot of the checks and clearances needed to become a foster carer! So, I want to see if they would let me take responsibility for Julia.

Then. If they would, I was going to ask you two if I could make use of Jacqui’s old room and let Julia live with us for a while. If it is a possibility, work would grant me two week’s paid maternity leave to help her settle in and for us to get used to her. But, most of all, it gets her out of the care system over Christmas and the New Year.”

“Oh sweetie, do you think this a wise move?”

“Yes Mum, my conscience won’t let me sit back and do nothing, I have to give this a try!”

“What do you think of this Jenna? You know this girl!”

“Well, it is up to Jessie Mum, but I had staff spending almost an entire day trying to reach out to this girl, and no one could. Yet, little Miss Miracle Worker here breaks through this child’s barriers in twenty minutes or so. I do see a lot of little Jessie in Julia, and if she feels this is the right move for her, then I, for one, will support her one hundred percent! If either of us knows this girl it is Jessie, I have seen her reach some pretty stressed-out kids, but honestly, this evening was something else entirely.”

“Thanks Jenna, that means a lot coming from you! And thanks for not thinking I am mad for even considering this whole process.”

“No worries, Sis, you have always had a strong maternal side to your nature.”

“So how long would a temporary foster care order be in place for?” asked Jeff.

“Well, my understanding is that they can be granted for anywhere between two weeks and two years!”

Jeff looked stunned. “Wow, you’ve certainly done your homework, considering this was, apparently, a fairly recent idea!”

“Well Dad, there’s this thing on my phone called The World Wide Web, aka The Internet, and us females can multi-task!” smiled Jess in response.

“What happens once this temporary order expires?” I asked.

“Well, one of a couple of things really, first, Julia could be placed back into the care system which is too awful to contemplate!

The second possibility is that I could adopt her as my daughter.” Jessie added quietly.

“Oh!” Jeff replied with a stunned expression on his face.

At that moment Jessie’s phone rang, she picked it up and after seeing who was calling her so late in the day, she quickly answered it.

Chapter Twelve – Changes and More Changes.

Jessie

“Hi Marie, what’s up? . . . .

Oh no! . . . .

How is she now? . . . . .

She won’t? . . . .

You can’t? . . .

Ok Marie, can you give her the phone do you think,? . . . .

Tell her it’s me! . . . . .

Julia, . .

Julia, come on sweetie it’s me, Jessie, . . .

Come on love, stop crying please . . . .

I know it was a scary dream, . . . .

I promised I would see you tomorrow didn’t I, . . . .

Yes, tomorrow is my day off, . . .

That’s right, I don’t need to be at the hospital for work! . . . .

No, I don’t need to be there for work, but I do need to be there for you don’t I? . . .

But I pinkie swore I was coming to see you didn’t I? . . . .

Jenna witnessed it too didn’t she? . . . .

Yes, I know it is a long time until tomorrow! . . . .

Listen to me sweetheart, I made you a promise and I always but always keep my promises! . . . .

I tell you what Julia, give the phone back to Marie for a moment, then I’ll speak to you afterwards! . . . .

Yes, I will I promise with an invisible pinkie swear that I will speak to you again in a moment or two!”

Jenna had left the table and was stood next to me, listening into the phone.

“Julia, it’s me Jenna, Jessie and I have just made a pinkie promise to each other that she will speak to you after she’s spoken to Marie okay, so you have my promise too!”

“Hi Marie, she’s in a hell of a state isn’t she? . . . .

I know, poor soul, . . . .

Listen, can you get me one of those large reclining chairs into Julia’s room, give me thirty to forty minutes and I’ll be back and I’ll keep her company tonight, . . .

It’s not a problem, . . .

No, after the day she has had it is the least I can do! . . . .

You will? . . .

Brilliant, . . .

I’ll owe you a drink next time we’re all out at the wine bar! . . .

No worries! . . . .

Can I just talk to Julia quickly? . . .

Thanks! . . .

Hi Julia, it’s me Jessie again, listen love, give me thirty to forty minutes to get there and I’ll see you shortly, Okay? . . . .

Shush sweetheart, shush, the sooner you let me go the sooner I can get there, . . . .

Right sweetie, I’ll be with you shortly. Yes, I love you too!”

I hung up the phone and realised I had just told a patient I loved her, and while it might not be ethical, I did love Julia, didn’t I?

Jenna bounced back into the kitchen with two overnight bags, obviously already packed.

Our Mum looked at her and said “Nope, not a chance Jenna, you have another twelve-hour shift tomorrow, the only place you are going to is to bed, your own bed, upstairs!”

“But Mum, I can’t let Jessie go back to the hospital at this time of night on her own, the car park is not well lit and it’s not safe for her to be on her own!”

“I know Jenna, I know, that’s why I’ll be taking her, then she can ring me in the morning when she needs a lift home!”

“If you think I am letting you two, go on your own, you have another thing coming, I will take the pair of you. Jenna, your Mum is right, you need to get to bed. But before I am prepared to be seen out in public with Jessie, can one of you help her to sort out her Panda eyes, we don’t want Julia any more traumatised than she already is!”

“Oh Daddy!” and I threw my arms around his neck before I slapped his bicep.

Within ten minutes we were on our way to the hospital, and I sat in the back of my parents Range Rover as we travelled in. We chatted about inconsequential things, and amazingly we managed to get a car parking spot quite close to the main entrance.

I hopped out of the car expecting them to watch me into the premises and then they’d turn for home. But my father turned the engine off, and both climbed down from the vehicle.

My father took my overnight bag and tossed it over his shoulder, then hooked his arm through mine as my mother did the same with my other. I glanced from one to the other. My mother spoke.

“We know she’ll be awake and a little stressed, so we won’t stay long but we want to meet this child who has so stolen your heart! Especially if she’s likely to be a member of our family, whether short term or for ever.”

I hugged my mother’s arm with mine and we made our way up to the children’s ward. We quietly entered and I saw Marie doing her rounds, she gave me a smile and approached the three of us.

I whispered.

“Hi Marie, you know Jeff and Jennifer, mine and Jenna’s parents. They wanted to quickly see Julia if that is okay with you?”

“Hi Folks, thanks for coming in Jessie, she’s been inconsolable, can’t blame her really.

It probably breaks umpteen hospital guidelines but what the hell, just be as quiet as you can, most of the kids are asleep again, as Julia’s screams woke most of them up and stressed them somewhat. I’ve Lorna in with Julia doing her best to keep Julia settled, if you can send her out as soon as you can, I’ve been single handed since the balloon went up!”

“No worries, Marie!” and we walked to the end of the corridor towards Julia’s room.

Even before we pushed the door open, we could hear her sobs as she said over and over that no-one loved her or cared about her and that I wouldn’t bother coming in to see her.

I bade my parents to give me a moment to settle Julia, I pushed the door open and quickly and silently entered the room.

“Jessie!” she practically screamed.

“You came Jessie, you came!” she yelled as she threw herself into my arms crying into my shoulder.

“I promised you Julia, and like I told you, I always, always keep my promises. Lorna smiled at me, gave me a wink and quietly left the room saying “Hello” to my parents as she left.

"Now stop this crying, you’re making my shoulder all damp. If you stop crying, I have a couple of people who are looking forward to meeting you.”

“Are you going to stay with me Jessie? They said you were. I’d like it if you were going to stay, but I know you have lots of important things you need to do!”

“Yes Julia, I will stay with you so you can safely get some sleep. But first I need to get you to stop crying as we don’t want to wake the other children, do we? See, they have brought me a nice big reclining chair, some pillows, sheets and a couple of blankets so I can sleep in your room.

Let me put you back on your bed, I think from the way you are gasping you need to wear your face mask for me, okay?”

“But it hurts Jessie, it digs in my nose too much, especially if I lie on it!”

“Okay Julia, wear it for now please and I’ll ask Marie if they have something else you can wear other than that mask. Now then, are you comfy on those pillows like that? Do you want me to lift the back of your bed up slightly?”

“I’m comfy thanks Jessie but could you raise my bed up a bit please.”

“Okay Julia, I am going to fetch a couple of people in who want to say “Hello” to you, they brought me into the hospital tonight to save me driving, there is nothing to be frightened of, okay? I’ll be here with you.”

Julia gave me a bit of a dubious nod. So, I quickly got my parents to come into the room.

(Jeffrey.)

Jessie quickly and quietly pulled us into the side room. There on the bed looking a little frightened was a small, frail figure, she took almost all the wind out of my sails, it was like déjà vu.

This was like so many previous times I had been in this hospital, there in an oversize bed was another child, looking scared and unwell. She even had the same pallor that used to be evident on Jessie.

I had to catch Jennifer as she too had obviously had similar feelings to me.

Jess was like a mother hen, and although Julia kept a wary eye on us, she had a beaming smile every time Jess would fuss over her.

“Right, introductions I think, Julia, this is Jeffrey and Jennifer Jones!” Almost immediately Julia stared at us.

“Jones? Like as in Jessie Jones?”

“That’s right Julia, I don’t call them Jeffrey and Jennifer, Jenna and I call them Mum and Dad!”

Julia studied us both intently, she seemed to accept Jennifer quite easily, but I think I threw her. She tugged at Jessie’s sleeve as Jess was now sitting proudly alongside Julia on the bed.

I barely heard Julia ask, “That’s your Dad? He’s HUGE!”

Jessie laughed and kissed the top of Julia’s head.

“Yes, he’s my daddy, and don’t tell him I said this but he’s the best daddy in the world!"

Julia sniggered into Jessies side. Then Jessie added something else that blew Julia’s mind.

“I also have two brothers, the oldest one is also called Jeffrey and he’s even bigger than my dad, then my other brother Jason is as big as Dad here. Then I have another sister who is nearly as tall as my dad and she’s called Jacqueline or Jacqui for short. They are the big people in my family, then there is my mother there and Jenna my sister who you’ve already met, and me, we’re the small part of the family, but you know what they always say?”

Julia looked up at Jessie and shook her head.

“They always say the best things come in small packages! Like my Mum, Jenna, me and you!” Julia chuckled.

“Right madam, you need to get some sleep, so let me just get your washcloth so I can give your face a wipe, then we can get ourselves ready for bed.”

After freshening up her face and hands Julia relaxed a bit and started talking to Jen but kept giving me little glances.

Jennifer handed Jessie her overnight bag and told her to get changed ready for bed as Jenna had put some pyjamas in the bag as well as toiletries and a fresh outfit for tomorrow. Jen then sat and talked to Julia while Jess went into the adjoining bathroom and changed into her jammies.

Jess then came out, wearing silky pyjama’s with Disney princesses printed all over them, Jess had more than a little embarrassed smile on her face as she re-entered the room.

“Oh, aren’t they pretty Jess, all those princesses!” exclaimed Jen to an enthralled Julia.

Marie had entered the room from the ward proper and gave Jess a beaming smile of her own.

“I like it! Very nice Jess, I’m glad to see you’ve decided to fit in with the rest of the girls on the ward!”

Through a forced smile Jessie responded, “Thanks Marie, when you get home Mum, tell Jenna I will kill her when I see her in the morning!” which brought smiles to all the rest of us adults.

Marie approached the bed, “Here you are Julia, let’s see if this new face mask fits better and is more comfortable.

Ah, that looks better, hopefully tomorrow we can get by with you just using the little nose pieces and then, with a bit of luck this latest flare-up in your asthma will be over and we can stop using oxygen. Let me just do your Observations while I’m here.”

“Do you have to, it’s all I seem to do is get the machine stuck in my ear and my arm squeezed while that red light is stuck on my finger!”

Jen continued to hug Julia as I helped Jessie sort her bed out.

"I tell you what Julia, just so everything is kept nice and fair, I’ll take Jessie’s readings too if you want?” offered Marie, Jess stood there open mouthed.

“Then we can tell how different they are, and what you need to get to, to be better!”

“That’s a great idea, sit down Jessie, let’s get you comfy on your bed!” I smirked at her knowing she was playing along in order to keep Julia happy, she would give us all a good roasting next time she had us on her own.

Jessie settled into her bed and Marie made a great show of taking her readings and comparing them to Julia’s. Marie frowned a little and reseated the pulse oximeter. She looked at Jessie asked.

“How are you feeling Jessie? Your sats are low, nearly as low as Julia’s actually. In fact wait here a moment!”
and Marie left the room returning moments later with a nasal oxygen distribution tube.

“Just humour me Jessie, it’s a good job you are small and we have a suitable nose tube for you, wear this while you are here, and it’ll keep us both from getting a boll . . . from getting a toasting from Jenna in the morning!”

Before Jessie really knew what was happening, she was lying there looking like a bigger sister to Julia, they were almost two peas in a pod both plumbed into the oxygen system.

Jess was still trying to say this was overkill. Marie did, however, get her to admit that she was feeling a bit more tired than usual, but that it had been a long and stressful day. Marie told her to be a good girl, to shut up and do as she was told, which left Jessie speechless, and Julia giggling.

Jen and I gave both girls a good night kiss and quietly left the room. Jessie and Julia were quietly holding hands.

We spent a few minutes talking to Marie when we heard “Psst!” and Lorna was smiling broadly and waving us over to Julia’s room.

As we quietly looked through the door, Jessie was fast asleep with an equally comatose Julia in her lap, both were under the covers, arms around each other.

We decided that was our cue to leave and go home.