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Chapter 4 Decisions

As Mr Cameron was really looking to me to be more involved long-term and saw me as the lead, it fell to me to pull together a draft of our report for discussion with him. I sent over a copy to him asking that he review it and then come over to Dulnain Lodge to discuss it with us all.

“What do you think Alistair, does any of it appeal to you and appear feasible?” I warily asked as we sat around the large table in the study.

“Before we look at the detail, I want to congratulate you all on an excellent, well-presented report and your analysis of the problems and potential of the estate, It is much better than those I have received from reputable commercial land agents, architects and environmental consultants. Many of the proposals are similar to those I have seen or heard about on other similar estates and well deserve to be taken forward. There are some aspects that I know will be contentious and difficult to progress, but in general you have put forward a set of proposals that will help the estate to continue for many years.”

“Thank you Alistair, please note that this is just a draft, there are some aspects that need more detailed discussion and costing, but if you are happy for us to continue along these lines we can finalise things and put forward our final report.”

“Whilst I am happy with what you are doing, at this stage I am not in a position to take things forward. Whilst the Laird appointed me as trustee of her estate, my role is limited and I would need agreement from the new Laird before any of the proposals can be implemented, as the new Laird is a joint trustee with me.”

“Is there any progress on that matter Alistair?” I eagerly asked, hoping that he could give me good news .

“There is and there isn’t. Are you happy to discuss this in front of Kirsty and Morag, or do you want to talk privately?”

“Actually, I would rather that they remain, from the look on your face it could be something confusing and I would like them to hear it first hand so that I can get their thoughts.”

“The main news is that I have heard from a firm specialising in ancestry tracing and it appears that there are no other valid contenders for the inheritance. The two world wars killed of a lot of your distant male relatives before they had the chance to start families, or left young childless widows, and many of the females lost their husbands or fiancé’s and remained unmarried. It seems that the inheritance either goes to you or passes into the hands of the National Trust. The only other option is for your uncle to take on the role, but the rule of living as a woman would apply to him in the same way that it does for you.”

“Surely that is the last thing that Aunt Elspeth would have wanted, from what I have seen and read she desperately wanted everything to remain in the family. Are you sure that there is nothing that can be done?”

“I have a suggestion, but this is rather extreme and embarrassing, so I will just get it out quickly and see what happens. To put it bluntly, I think that if you will can continue to live as a female, probably for the rest of your life, I may have found a get-out that will enable you to inherit
everything, the Estate, the House, all the assets and the Title.”

“You can’t be serious, I know that I have been living as a girl for a few months now, but for the rest of my life is a different matter.”

“That’s entirely your decision, but if I may say so, you have slipped into womanhood extremely successfully, you are accepted by Mrs Mackintosh and Mr McBean as female, and from what I have heard, anyone in the village you have met sees you as the new Laird, the female Laird. Physically you would have no problems adapting, particularly considering the wide range of medical treatments now available to people in your situation. Whether you could deal with the psychological issues is another matter and only you know whether you could deal with them.”

“I’m not sure what exactly I want to do with my life, unlike a lot of people I do not have it all planned out, but becoming a woman was definitely not on the agenda. I will think about it and let you know. Anyway, you have told me that the terms of the will say that everything must pass on to a woman to continue the family history, how do you propose to get around that?”

“This may seem like a bit of legal jiggery-pokery but your Great-aunt was either deliberately or accidentally a bit loose in her language in the will and associated letter to you. The phrase she used is ‘with the condition that it could only be passed to descendants, seen as strong determined women in perpetual honour of her courage.’ Note the inclusion of the words ‘seen as’. That could be interpreted as those that were not strong and determined but weak and submissive would not qualify to inherit, but it could also be interpreted as allowing people such as yourself who appear to all to be women, to be included. As Trustee I am willing to accept that second interpretation and allow you to inherit. However I must stress that if you choose not to accept the condition that you are seen as a woman, or in future decide to revert to your natural state as male, then I must insist that you revoke all your rights. I’m sorry to be so legalistic about this but I feel that my hands are tied and I have no choice.”

“This is all a bit much, I need time to consider everything you have told me. Having lived here for a few months, and seen what could be done to the estate if the proposals suggested by Kirsty and Morag were to be implemented, and having absorbed some of its spirit and character, I would really like to drive it forward and make improvements for the success of the whole enterprise to grow. However it will mean a totally different life for me, for which I am not prepared.”

“I stress the words‘seen as’. I wouldn’t require you to necessarily actually physically become a woman, but merely to continue to appear and act as one, you wouldn’t be the first man to live life acknowledged as a woman. Please don’t rule it out of hand, have a think about it, discuss it with Kirsty, Morag, and your family then let me know. Meanwhile I am happy for you to continue to stay here as long as you wish, but one way or another the matter needs to be resolved and a new Laird or new owners appointed. Let me know what you decide.”

When he had gone, the three of us sat in stunned silence with our own thoughts for a while, before Kirsty started the conversation.

“Rowan, I told you a few weeks ago that you’re getting to the point where you needed make a decision about continuing to live as a girl, I think that you are now at that point of no return. Alistair had a fair point, other than one or two physical issues, you are now as much of a girl as Morag and me. You dress as girl, look like a girl, behave as a girl, and sometimes it seems you even think as a girl. This is a great opportunity for you to do something significant in your life, would continuing to live as a girl or a woman be such a major problem for you?”

“What about you Morag? What do you think, does it not all seem a bit weird. What would you think of me if I chose to go down that path?”

“I’m with Kirsty on this. When we were going through university in Aberdeen you became a good friend as well as a flatmate and helped us both through some troubled times. After we got to know each other well, you were just seen as a friend, someone sharing life with us, even more so after the others left and we talked you into dressing as a girl. Since we came here I only now ever think of you as a girl and will continue to be your friend if you choose to remain as one. The other thing, being selfish, I have grown to love this place and would be sorry to have to leave, and if you do decide to take on the role of Laird, I would be happy to work with you as Estate manager.”

“That last bit goes for me too.” added Kirsty. “This house has so much potential, and I would love to start my career reorganising and restyling the place as we have proposed. After a few years doing that, unlike Morag, I do not see a long term career role here for me, but I would love to use Dulnain Lodge as the springboard for similar work on other estates.”

“Does that mean that you would be leaving us Kirsty to set yourself up somewhere else?”

“Not necessarily, a business address of Dulnain Lodge would be quite impressive, particularly when talking to potential clients on other estates, the landed classes do tend to stick together and trust others in the same position as themselves. If you could find room for me and possibly some staff, I would be delighted to stay.”

“Thanks for all your support and kind words girls, this is a major decision for me, but it is good to know that you are willing to support me if I do decide to stay, you are both really good friends.”

Over the next dew days I spent a lot of time by myself, wandering the forest and moors, trying to find a balance between my heart and my head. I was torn between loyalty to my Aunt Elspeth and her wishes, my friendship with Morag and Kirsty and their hopes and aspirations, and the plans I had previously mapped out for my life and career as a man. Aunt Elspeth had put me in a difficult position and there seemed no easy painless choice.

One evening a few days later as I was wandering through the forest, watching the sun set over the Lochan and the mountains, listening to the roar of the stags and the bark of the hinds, enthralled by the timeless beauty of it all, I came to the decision that there was no way that I could give up and leave this wonderful place and that I would be happy to spend the rest of my life here, although that would mean becoming a woman, or at least living completely as one.

Once I had come to that decision a cloud lifted off my mind and I hurried back to the Lodge to tell the girls.

“At last I have finally accepted my destiny, my past is in the past, my future is here at Dulnain as the Laird.” I told them excitedly.

“That’s what we expected, the spirit of this place got to you the minute we moved in here. You are obviously going to have to continue to live as a woman, but do you think that you will actually transition to fully become one of us.” asked Morag, bluntly getting straight to the point.

“That decision is in the future, even if I was sure that this is what I wanted to do, there are all sorts of formalities and legal procedures to go through before I get to that point. For a while at least, I will just continue as I am. I am accepted by everyone I meet as a young woman, so there is no need to rush into any actions immediately.”

“Morag and I have been talking about this as we thought that would be your decision. Just to let you know, Morag and I are with you all the way and will support you as long as you need us. It will mean lots of changes for you and you need the help of your friends to ensure it all goes smoothly.You need to start getting organised, you need to tell Alistair so that he can get the legalities under way, and you need to tell your family, your Auntie Carol and Uncle Stephen. Do they know how you have been living for the last few months?”

“No they don’t, I was hoping to leave that conversation until I was definite about what I was going to do. I haven’t spoken to them since leaving university, but have been keeping in touch with them by email, I just told them that I had got a job up here that was taking all my time and that I would come to see them for a weekend when I managed to get some spare time.”

“To be fair to them, I think that you should have that conversation sooner rather than later, they raised you from when you were a young child, they deserve to know, they are effectively your parents, you can’t keep putting it off.” Kirsty continued.

“I’ll have a word with Alistair first, I don’t want to upset things at home until I know that there are no longer any legal problems. As you both have said, it needs to be sooner rather than later. I’ll call him first thing in the morning, I doubt that he will still be in the office at this time of night.”

“Good Morning Alistair, I’ve been thinking long and hard about your suggestion that I could become Laird and inherit the Dulnain Estate and everything , but only if I agreed to continue to live as a woman. I have decided to accept those terms, and fully comply with Aunt Elspeth’s wishes, can you please complete whatever legalities you need to deal with.”

“I’m glad that this can now be finalised, it has dragged out a lot longer than I had hoped, although I can understand why you have taken so long to decide, it is a huge personal decision for you. Normally in your situation it would be recommended that you legally change your name by deed poll. to a more feminine option, but in your case, you could keep it the same same as it is fairly neutral between the genders, and it will make things easier for you. Unless you don’t want to do that I suggest that you get your driving licence changed as quickly as possible to show you as female, as there are often delays in the system. It is a relatively simple process, and it could save a lot of embarrassment if you have an accident or are stopped by the police for whatever reason.

The same goes for your passport if you are proposing to go out of the country. It is more difficult to change your National Insurance and tax records, for those you need a Gender Recognition Certificate, but you can only get that after living your new gender for at least 2 years. However I must advise you that gender recognition legislation is very controversial and confused at present and it may be best to wait before making any commitment. If you were being employed that could prove awkward and embarrassing with your employers, but as you will the owner of the Dulnain estate and will effectively be self-employed that should not be a problem. You should easily be able to deal with the driving licence and passport yourself, it can all be done online, but if you have any problems let me know. Meanwhile, I’ll sort things out for you to take over the estate and come to see you in a couple of weeks to sign everything off.”

“Thank you so much for all your help Alistair, you could have been a lot more legalistic and inflexible. See you soon.”

That was the easy conversation, I was not looking forward to the next, with Auntie Carol and Uncle Stephen.

After Alistair had left. Kirsty’s phone trilled and her eyes lit up when she checked out the caller.

“Hi Lexie, how are you settling into your new job?” Followed by a long one-sided conversation interrupted only occasionally by short meaningless comments from Kirsty., closing the chat with “I’ll have a talk with the others and I’ll ring you back.”

“What was all that about, we couldn’t pick up any of her side of the chat?” Morag could hardly wait to hear any news.

“Important things first, she was asking if we were going to the graduation ceremony at the end of the month. Apparently Callum didn’t get the job he was promised , so has taken a gap year and is now somewhere in New Zealand, and Rory is on an intense training course and will not be able to get away. She didn’t want to go without any of her friends and was wondering if we would all like to meet up and go together.”

“That would be brilliant, what are her plans, will she be booking a hotel in Aberdeen?” I quickly asked.

“That’s why I told her that I’d talk to you all first. Apparently when she started her job in Edinburgh with a renewable energy company, after an introductory session she was transferred to a project office in Stornoway on the isle of Lewis, Although she could have flown, it would have been a long tortuous flight with several transfers so she decided to face a long drive instead. She’s cutting across country via Inverness and will be passing not too far away from us. I was thinking about asking her to leave a day early and stop over with us here for a night or two before us all going on to Aberdeen together, what do you both think?”

“Ring her back and see if she fancies that, it would be great to see her again and catch up.” I enthusiastically replied.

“Don’t forget, she has no idea of how you have changed, are you OK with her meeting the new you?”

“Don’t be silly, I’m not worried. You two have readily accepted me, I can’t see a problem with Lexie, you all almost treated me as one of the girls anyway, I‘ve just taken it a bit further. But don’t tell her about me or the Lodge, we’ll give her a big surprise when she gets here.” Ten minutes later it was all agreed, she would arrive the day before the ceremony and stay for the rest of the week.

“Anyway, what are you going to do about the graduation ceremony, will you be going as male or female?”

“I’ve been thinking about that and want to do both. For the actual ceremony I’ll be wearing a suit, shirt and tie, it will be nice for my parents have a photo of me receiving my degree in the academic robes. But then I’ll get changed into a dress and makeup, do my hair then get more photos taken with you all and my parents. I’d like a photo of the Laird receiving her degree too, but obviously not going up onto the main podium again. When my inheritance is fully confirmed I intend to get it copied into a portrait to hang next to Great aunt Elspeth”
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Soon afterwards I phoned back home, my uncle and aunt needed to know how I was now living.

Luckily when I rang, it was answered by Auntie Carol, I felt it would be an easier conversation with her than it would be with Uncle Stephen.

“Hello Mam.“ I started using the name I had called her almost from the start since she took me in, trying my best to revert to my recently unused and almost forgotten male voice.

“Hello Pet, it’s a long while since you have been in touch, emails don’t count in my generation, when are you coming down to see us?”

“That’s why I’m calling. I’ll be coming down tomorrow on the train to save a tiring long drive, can you meet me in the main lounge at the Castle Hotel, it’s not too far from the station. This may sound strange, can you come alone, not with Dad?”

“What’s up, is there something wrong?”

“No Mam, everything’s going well, it’s just that there is something I need to discuss with you, and it will be easier without Dad. If it’s all fine with you, I’ll get there just after half past two.”

“Ok pet, see you then, bye.”

There would be no going back after visiting my uncle and aunt and I slept rather fitfully worried about how Mam was likely to react to the new me.

To be continued.