CHAPTER 7
I had no answer for that, so fell back on the one Jacky herself had given me.

“Options open. That’s what you and Carly told me, Jacky. And you have Clarice there. Look: I’d normally be thinking all sorts of rubbish about canteen culture, but from what you say it’s sort of your sister’s canteen. You’ve got support there”

Mary asked, “I have something, if you don’t mind. I know I don’t know you like Ellie does, but it’s a more general thing. Game theory. Each of you, you and Jerome, has a choice. Try or don’t try. If neither of you tries, you both lose. If you both try, then there’s a chance of winning for each of you. How old were you when you married, Jacky?”

“Far too young, Mary”

“Jerome been married before?”

“I think so, yeah”

“Then talk to him, see if he’s happy to talk you through why his marriage ended. You might find a lot of common ground there”

“Thank you, Mary. Can I ask… is that what you’ve done with Ellie?”

My wife shook her head.

“No, Jacky. What happened actually happened a while ago, because Ellie tried talking me through what the issues were, what was up, and I knew better. She just found a way to make her point, and I am duly grateful that it didn’t go the way she meant it to. Not all the way, anyway. At least you don’t have that worry”

Jacky let the silence have its own way for a moment, then said quietly, “I can see why Ellie didn’t want to lose you, woman. I… I just need to go, for now, Do this again, and tell me how things are going. I’m going to have a few hours of me-time”

We said our goodbyes, and once she was gone, Mary sighed.

“She’s off for a cry, love, but I think she’ll be okay. Her sister sounds, I don’t know, sorted”

“Her sister used to be her brother, love”

“Ah. Same with Carly? That why they’re sympathetic and that?”

“Not with Carly. She had a friend, and someone didn’t like our sort of woman”

“Oh”

“Yes, exactly. She ended up on the November list”

“Sorry?”

“Trans Day of Remembrance, when a list of those killed each year is read out. It’s not a nice event”

I simply had to break the ensuing silence.

“Too many entries like ‘trans woman, name unknown, age unknown, Brazil’, or Mexico or USA. And you read up on the details, and… there was one, American trans woman, met a man on holiday, they went to her hotel room, did the deed, and then he stabbed her over two hundred times, mostly in the face. That’s the November list, on TDoR”

I paused to catch my breath, before continuing.

“No, I don’t imagine that’s what I have to worry about here, though there have been a few horror shows. It’s the choice I had in front of me: go through what they call transition, or, simply, never have a life. That’s what I tried explaining to you so many times”

“When I never listened…”

“And when I was so often just looking to vent, love. Not exactly a good mix for communication, is it? That was the thing with talking to Jacky and Carly; they didn’t have a stake in things”

Mary looked at the laptop for a second or two, then said, I think they have now, love. They’re friends, not strangers. Bit like that other two”

She was right, of course. Jacky and Carly had been insistent: no ghosting, no simply vanishing over seas and out of mind. Friends.

That Thursdaty was on us too quickly, and at around one o’clock, there was a rap at our door simultaneously with a chime from the doorbell. I opened , to find Sandy and Greg, of course. She was as bubbly as ever.

“Hiya Ellie! Looking good. How much weight have you lost? You’re like a burnt rasher of bacon, all crispy round the edges. Kettle on?”

I went out to open the garage door so they could secure their bikes, and once again felt that sense of curtains twitching across the street. I realised that some sort of confrontation would be taking place sooner rather than later, but not now. Work would be more than enough for today’s plate. I pulled down the roller door and led them into the hallway, where they hung up their dripping jackets and pulled off their shoes. Greg had a couple of panniers that I assumed held more casual clothing plus overnight necessities.

“I’ll show you the spare room. Mary’s just sorting that kettle: tea or coffee?”

Greg winced.

“Please let me see how you make it first”

“Carte Noire, in a cafetière do you?”

“Really?”

“Mary!”

She put her head around the kitchen door.

“Mary, Greg, Sandy. Greg wants to vet how you make coffee”

He was back thirty seconds later.

“I had to persuade Mary to add a little more of the coffee to the device before she added the water”

I showed them their room for the night, as promised, along with loo and shower, and we then descended to the smell of the coffee Greg was fixated on, which was now, aptly, on our coffee table. As they warmed themselves up, Sandy gave me a very critical once-over.

“I realise it’s the result of healthy exercise, Ellie, but a woman can go too far. You had cheeks when we first met, not hollows. Anyway, talk to us about this shindig, please”

“Sort of coming out, my turn. We had a Teams meeting, when I first got back, and one of the girls mentioned the ‘end of year’ do. What it is, we have the busiest part of the year coming up, end of the financial year, that is. Lots of work to do getting the year’s accounts sorted, followed by a final mad rush to add in the last little bits that always turn up late. We have an office do, with partners, nothing flashy. Just a pub. There’s a sort of railed platform thing at one end, and the company puts money up for a buffet, but drinks are our own responsibility. Place is still open to the public, so it really is just like a bunch of mates at a pub rather than a private function”

“So we just take a spot at the bar, or a table?”

“Yes. I don’t know how long I can play nicely, or rather if my colleagues will. You give us a little bit of, I don’t know, shelter, or so I plan”

Greg looked up from fiddling with his little coffee pot, and once again I was struck by his eyes: so incredibly blue.

“Is there anyone you expect to be irrational, unreasonable, Ellie?”

“To be honest, I have no idea. We’ve not had someone like me in the office before, and we’re not that big a firm”

“But si, Ellie. They have had someone like you, as they have actually had you yourself. That is where any connerie can be taken, if necessary”

Mary flushed slightly, her French being far better than mine. That puzzled me, for I didn’t think the word was that strong.

“We are due there for half five, so I’ve booked a taxi for quarter past. Means we’ll be a few minutes behind the office crew, but I think I prefer doing it in one hit, rather than a series of people drifting in and each reacting in turn. Jumping into the deep end, if you see what I mean. Over in one splash. Well, not over, but you take my point”

Greg nodded.

“That makes logical sense to me. It means we have some hours; may we see your photographs?”

Mary laughed.

“I had guessed you would ask that, so I have my own laptop ready as well. The mapping app can show us where Ellie was, and she can show us what she saw”

Sandy asked, “May we use the shower first? Lots of road grime from the rain and spray”

That made sense, and after they had spent a rather long time in our shower (I didn’t ask) the afternoon ran away from us, two hours vanishing without anyone noticing. Sandy was in a plain dark blue dress with a V-neck, her husband in Man Ki of chinos and rugby shirt. I dithered, but decided to stick with what I had on, Mary almost matching me. She actually managed a laugh at that.

“Look, in tis weather I would normally be in slacks, but if I turn up in trousers, that’s REALLY going to get the rumours going. Anyway, heels, Sandy? In this?”

“Low ones, Mary. They don’t cripple me, and Greg says he likes how my legs look in them, so what’s a girl to do?”

I wasn’t going to argue the point, as Sandy was far girlier than I would ever be, and the taxi was outside. Greg in the front seat, of course, and three of us spread across the rear.

“The Hart please, driver”

Greg asked a few questions that revealed some surprising gaps in his knowledge, reminding me of his origins in foreign parts.

“What is a hart, Ellie2

“A stag. Er, un cerf”

“But when we looked at the website, it had a picture of an aeroplane”

“Hawker Hart bomber, Greg. Designed by the same man as the Hurricane and loads of others, right up to the Hunter and the Harrier. Bloody good engineer, Sydney Camm. Anyway, the pub is one of a chain, and they’re all named after planes”

I started to laugh, as something silly had just struck me.

“There’s another brewery, Greg, and not only are they from Hertford, they have a hart as their badge. I was working in Harlow, right on the Herts-Essex border. The chain named loads of their pubs after butterflies, so you’d have a pub sign with a butterfly on it. The one in Harlow was a painted lady, and when they redecorated the pub they changed the picture to a painted lady, as in a woman in make-up. The joke was that the picture was of Jean Harlow”

I paused before the punchline.

“Then, they got a new landlord, whose sense of humour was, well, limited and basic. Last I heard, the pub is now just called ‘The Jean Harlow’. Too subtle for Essex, it seems”

Our driver called back a cheeky comment about “learning something new, ta, Miss”, and Mary only flinched slightly. Sandy insisted on paying, as they were getting a free night’s B&B, and we let her and Greg walk in to find a table as I dithered outside in the rain.

“We can turn round now if you want, Ellie”

“No. Got to be done some time. Best done soonest”

I couldn’t be sure if she still held some hope that I would take backward steps, but she was there with me. I reached out for her hand and, possibly automatically, she took mine. I pushed the door open, and we stepped in.

There was a knot of people clustered around the tables of sandwiches, crisps and so on, and few paid us any attention, until Lynn spotted me.

“Ellie! Welcome back!”

Mary and I each got a firm hug, and then a wave and handshake from Terry, followed by a cheek-kiss each from Julia.

“Just going to the bar. Do you two want a drink?”

“That would be nice, Julia. We do have a couple of friends with us, by the way”

“Oh?”

“They are on a cycle-camping trip; we’re letting them dry out”

“You are mad, you lot. This time of year?”

I decided not to reveal the Sandy method of in-tent heating, just this once.