I was talking with a couple from the church yesterday, and realized I was flirting with him. "So, no spanking for what I have done?", I said.

His wife and I are good friends. No one seemed offended. Yet, I was strongly feeling the need to be punished, even spanked. When I understood what I had been doing, wow, how can so much hot blood get into my face ???

From now on I will BE a Nun around him.

Gwen

Tonight I am getting ready to share a link on "Easy As Falling Of A Bike" with a friend who is looking for something to read, so I had to dig deeply to find Chapter 1 of said epic. I notice that something had happened with it and the publication date was now 2015. Chapter 2 still says 2007. I have noticed the same thing has happened with certain of my stories, not that mine are important at all.

I've been stuck on a huge story for nearly a year, and had something happen early this morning. It is not clear to me if this was a spiritual vision or simply the product of my own demented mind. My view of the current and developing world promotes lots of anxiety.

I have two stories (books ?) that I have been working on for years, one of them I started in the early 80's on an Electric Typewriter. Lately, I have begun to see parts of both of them begin to come true in real life, and that frightens me because I think that my health will not hold out long enough to finish either. Sadly, the only people I would trust to finish them are not likely to outlive me by much if at all.

In talking with my Doctor, he finally sussed out that I am not a genetic female, much to my surprise that it took him this long. I've been very ill the last two months with Pneumonia, a UTI and intestinal flare ups.

In talking to me about ways to prevent more Urinary Tract Infections, he said to avoid pants, pantyhose, leggings and to use only cotton panties; none of the pretty stuff. He further recommended a full shower after riding my bike, even casually, and no baths; showers only. He also said to use baby wipes after every trip to the loo.

In the nearly 10 years since my SRS, I have had many Urinary Tract Infections to the point that at my next Doctor's visit, I plan to talk about getting my Neo-Vagina removed. Because of my Amish conditioning perhaps, I have never gotten my head around having sex with a male outside of a lawful marriage, so it has had no use outside of my plastic bf. My hypothesis is that due to lack of use, germs build up in there and indirectly provide the source of the UTI germs.

I also plan to discuss the use of Lavage to perhaps keep that more clean.

I do not plan to live as a man.

Practicing some radical distraction, I was cruising YouTube when I found an hour long video of "Similarillion", a JRR Tolkien story about the beginning of all things. I was actually quite lovely. Then moving on I found a series of beautiful and astonishing videos by Skyrim that were so impressive to me. How do they write the code to do that and then to make the figures move so realistically? Then the scum on the bottom included some Rape Fantasy videos, apparently many countries outlaw them, but it does not seem like America does. :(

Please, no suicide intended.

This afternoon as I was getting undressed after a bike ride, and mulling over the plot of a story that has me by the ear. I spotted several little gnats flying around inside the clear tank of my vaporizer. It only took a moment to take care of the little pricks; didn't want them laying eggs or defecating in there.

I'm in the middle of a struggle that is costing me lots of emotional strength and my two best friends don't even care, and in fact view my efforts in this area as fruitless, even silly. I don't force my views on others but if they decide to ridicule my own, there is no respect; they seem to feel they have a right to tear at things that make all the difference to me, the only reason I stay alive.

To those who talk to me on SKYPE. I have huge issues with it right now because Microsoft installed it on my desktop using my real name. I am trying to fix this but it looks hopeless right now. So, I will not be using skype.

Lately I have been shying away from anything violent or depicting violence. It's gotten so bad that even too much tension in a movie or story will cause me to walk out or close that page.

A huge surprise this last week or so. A Saudi Arabian friend of mine asked me if I could put up a female college grad until she finds an apartment, and now she will be moving out on the 15th, and that will have been three weeks. My Saudi Friend does not know about me and neither does she, and I'm not telling. It's given me a rare opportunity to glimpse into the female world.

To my two followers:

This is likely the third time I have blogged about this story since it came out around 2005. I began to read it in a time when my leaving this world was as likely as staying, and oddly the struggles of the protagonist had a steadying effect on me. Years later, it is clear that my own transition was no more voluntary than David's. To the wise, stay clear of psych drugs, and Counselors.

I'll just be straightforward about this. I am alive because those at this site gave me a friendly place to come to pour out my heart, to cry and to become sufficiently distracted to stop actively thinking of killing myself. I was invited to come sometime in 2007, but had been lurking on this and other sites for year. My transition was so painful, like it is with most of us due to those here, I am alive.

No fooling here folks, the site has grown so much that I would not even want to think about it.

A few of you have met me and know that I pride myself on being energetic, sassy and snotty, but fun. LOL. Though the last one of you to visit here saw me not feeling that well. I'm going to beat this fat butt into submission yet !!!

"The Symbiont" was just in Random Solos, and I had just started reading it and I had to leave for a moment and when I came back the page was closed and now I can not find "The Symbiont" again and I am feeling quite cranky about it and I tried using Search but the confounded thing will not find it for me so would someone please help me find it again? On the verge of a good sob.

Gwen

Close Hauled On the Edge of the Winds of Plagiarism

Gwen Brown
5/21/2016

As I have said enough times before that it is likely getting tiresome, I have been working on a story for years, perhaps fifteen of them. It’s been an off and on project and I’m not sure why I didn’t just sit down and finish it. Perhaps the answer is that the fates had not completed parts of it.

I did not wish to completely derail Julia's thread so decided to start my own.

Another aspect of languages, dialects and such is our ability to adapt to, even adopt the speech patterns of those around us. I am from Oklahoma Dust Bowl stock and when I get around them quickly begin to sound like them.

Lots of T folk, even post op ones, seem to feel the need to rat themselves out, even the ones who pass impeccably.

I have just been through a couple very tough and bruising weeks dealing with the Bathroom thing. It's very difficult to establish a balance between forgiving those who hurt us, and being very mad, incensed even at their ignorant and stupid position. In my case, having come from one of those groups, I feel quite qualified to beat them about the ears with their own clubs.

I'm feeling quite knackered now so will try to stand down for a while.

Life is bigger, too bigger for me right now. Why is it that the "50 Shades" trilogy makes so much sense to me; that I see myself in Anna, Christian and his subbies? Why do I vainly hope for that good ending? Why do I inwardly "rage against the dying of the light"? I've been tasked with writing a letter, my final appeal to a group of men that I have little respect for, and further my friends ask me to not be insolent and sassy, and disrespectful. They tell me that even if this last effort fails, at least it will benefit those behind me.

Many of us, when they think about it, can relate to stories of being forced to be male. It is a hinge point of many stories here, and it happened to me also, though in retrospect perhaps I was only impersonating one.

There was a time in my youth that I could not determine which was better, great sex, or a full dump. Miniature Ectomorphs tend to have issues with getting their digestive systems to work. As to the sex these days there is desire about once or twice a year. When I write about the 'act', it tends to be in the most vague of terms, since it is just much more important to me to hold or be held affectionately. Perhaps it is a bit of the XXY creeping in?