Well, yesterday, I was able to get a counseling session at the Edmonton Pride center, and I found it very helpful. I talked with the counselor about my current stress, my past, my faith, and my transition. Best of all she seems really well versed in trauma and how it impacts a person. I'm not sure how often I'll be able to see her, but I'm going to do everything I can to get better.

Since I started publishing on Big Closet, I have managed to produce at least one piece every month with one exception.

However, that streak is in jeopardy now.

The piece I was working on based on a nightmare is too triggering for me right now, and the other story I had started, "Solomon's test" has its own problems. Mainly that I am afraid it might be too close to the current story "Shortcuts", insofar as both stories are about a bet between cosmic forces and a person getting super powers.

I'm really struggling with my latest story. Anybody want to take a look, and make suggestions?

I had posted on facebook about my poem, and I got this comment from Bailey Summers:

"Dotti's actually a very skilled poetry authoress I think she should send some into some of the national laurate programs."

Guess who's blushing?

I love all the authors here. The act of putting a story out there for others to read and comment on is pretty dam brave.

But I think there are a few who have written stories that deserve a bigger audience, so I'd like to take a moment and give them a plug.

"The Chrysanthemum Inheritance" By Nicki Benson. This story is hard to describe. It starts with a body switch, becomes a murder mystery, and then ends with an alien meme that can strip a person of their individuality.

I am a blessed (or lucky) person, and I know this. I've begun a transition, and still I have been able to have a job, I've still got my family, and none of the horrible things I feared have happened to me.

But despite my blessings, I wish I could have one more.

A person to share my life with.

Ah, well.

I have been reading about Leelah Alcorn, and even though I never knew her in life, I find myself feeling a strong connection with her death.
Because I've been where she was.

Two times I had a plan, and came within moments of carrying it out, and once I simply found myself with a knife at my wrist not even remembering putting it there.

I have tried to "pray away the trans" as hard any person could, and with every bit of sincerity I possess.
I have been to Christian councilors looking for someone to "cure" me.

I have wondered if God hated me.

Well, I have had a busy Christmas.

Sharon called me not long after I had come home and gone to bed, telling me that she had fallen, and was bleeding.

I drove over, picked up her and my daughter, took Sharon to the hospital and brought my daughter to my house to wait for word.

Finally, about 2:30, she called and we went and picked her back up at the hospital and took her and my daughter to their home.

I am a little nervous.

I am going over for dinner on Christmas night at an aunt's, and most of my relatives who might be there will never have met Dorothy before.

I find myself fighting between a desire to drab up as much as possible and remain hidden vs. feminizing myself and standing proud ...

I am really struggling with my latest attempt at a story. Anybody want to take a look at what I have and make a suggestion?

Do you guys mind if I stand on a soapbox for moment?

I saw the movie "Big Hero 6" today.

I had been struggling with my emotions after having a flashback, and so I decided to do something to shake myself out of it rather than stew, and so I went to the movie.

It is an awesome movie, but what hit me was the themes, which I found pretty profound for a Disney film - grief, vengeance, and justice.

got a heads up that someone is trying to call themselves "Dorothy Bellion Mee" on Facebook and is trying to get my friends to friend them

If you're on Facebook, please report this person if they contact you, its not me!

Well, Sharon has told us that its confirmed that she will be going in for surgery, and so we will be hosting my daughter for at least four days - Friday through Monday.

This is going to be the most time I've spent with my daughter since we separated, and her mother is super against my transition and no doubt has pushed that view on Samantha, so I am kinda nervous ...

I am reading a very good book on recovering from trauma called "Conversations with a rattlesnake".

Its by former NHL hockey player Theo Fleury, and in the book he (along with therapist Kim Barthel) covers how to retrain your brain as you recover from your past.

The book contains some frank discussion of rape (Fleury was molested by his hockey coach), so gentle people prone to triggers will struggle at times, but it really is worth the read.

You know, if you had tried to tell me five and a half years ago when I first joined Big Closet, that one day I'd be standing in front of a group of people at a church and telling them about being trans, I never would believed you. But it happened, and a big reason why is the love and support I've received on BC and elsewhere online.

So, to all those who have sent me support over the years, let me say ...

Thank you all so much.

Every one of you rocks.

And huggles for everyone!