Well, I had what may turn out to be my last summer outing with my daughter today. We went to "Capital EX" which is a fair and carnival and exposition all rolled into one. We went on a number of rides together, ate junk food, she got a chance to sit in a room full of butterflies, it was a good day. So why do I say it may be my last outing with her? Well, for starters, for the month of August her mother has booked time with her, so that's this summer done.

Well, I'm lucky to be among the non-injured. Yesterday, when I was driving home from my work, I started to have trouble staying awake, and came dangerously close to having an accident. Next time, I pull over and have a rest ....

A while ago, I wrote a poem by that name (here is a link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/18355/hit-brick-wall-r... ) Well, right now that's close to how I feel. I think I'm psyching myself up for a charge at that wall, and its going to hurt But I simply don't know what else to do. When I first became honest with myself, and then came out to my family, I felt better. When I got a job as Dorothy I felt much better, and I think I kidded myself into believing I could stay like this - half in each gender. But I can't, not for long.

Had a rough night, filled with memories of humiliation and despair. The worst thing about those moments is the sense of arousal that often accompanies them. There is some part of me that has learned to enjoy the idea of being used and degraded. I wonder if I'll ever be truly free of it ....

Well, I got a letter from the endocrinologist, and my appointment is set for Sept. 14, at 11:15 in the morning. Now if I can only keep from getting too anxious in the meantime ...

Well, I think I figured out what happened yesterday. I've been dealing with some frustration over not being able to do much to make progress on my gender journey the last couple of days, and then had stuff involving my rape come up both at work and thanks to what I read. The combination was too much, and I (temporary) got overwhelmed. But I'm back on track now.

Well, my next story is almost ready. Because it is a sequel to Randalynn’s story, "Surprise!" I've sent a copy to her first. If she signs off, the story will be published.

Had a good, if tiring day. We drove to Calgary (about a 3 and half hour trip), and went to the Calgary Zoo. We walked around until my mom and I couldn't walk anymore, and then drove home. I'll sleep well tonight.

Well, my blog entry disappeared. Must have offended somebody. Ah, well. PM me if you want to know what it said.

Well, I somehow broke my glasses last night. (Or rather, this morning, to be more precise.) I went to move a stray hair from my wig out of my eyes, and next thing I know, out comes my lens and the frame was broken beyond simple repair. I was telling this to someone who was coming in this morning, and said, "Life just seems to like to make things fun for me."

She said, "I wouldn't call breaking your glasses fun."

I said, "Ma'am, after spending 45 years in the wrong gender, I have a pretty good understanding of Life's sense of humor."

Ah, well.

Well, I managed to wear myself out yesterday/ Took my daughter to a local pool. They have not only a wave pool, but they have this section that's set up like a rapid, and I think we broke a record for how many times we went around on it. Other than not being allowed to show any signs of my progress toward womanhood, it was a good day.

Well, I just got back from my appointment with the gender specialist's assistant. Not only will she sign off on me starting hormones, she told me I pass quite nicely. It was good to hear, and Kylie is entitled to one large "I told you so."

Well, I turned 45 this morning while at work. Its going to be a quiet day, sleeping and then going to work, so nothing much for a birthday. Doing a supper with my brother and sister in law tomorrow, and plan to be in my best skirt for the occasion, especially since I will have to leave from the restaurant and go to work. My brother and sister in law wont approve, but frankly, I don't care.

Well, I've had a bit of a setback. I phoned the gender specialist's office, and found out that I don't yet have an appointment to get my blood tested to start female hormones. Apparently, there is some question as to whether just going to work as Dorothy qualifies as a real life test or not. (Why this matters, I don't know, but there you are.) So now I have to wait and hear back from the specialist, or maybe I'll be waiting until I see him again in December to find out if I can start them anyway. ... Sigh.

Well, If I needed any proof that my daughter isnt ready for me to be out with her as Dorothy, yesterday provided it. I had woken up at 330 pm in a panic, thinking I had forgotten to pick her up from school. I hurriedly put on a t-shirt and shorts and ran out to the school, only to find her gone, picked up by my mother, who had told me she would before I went to sleep, only I had forgotten. So I went home, and they came home right after, and my daughter took one look at me and freaked out. I hadn't realized it, but I had grabbed a ladies t shirt I use as a camisole by mistake.