CHAPTER 9
We shared breakfast the next morning, as our guests had brought their own makings with them in the way of bacon and sausages. Greg was far more serious at the table than he had been in the pub.

“You have a couple of problems, Ellie, in terms of individual colleagues. It is the advantage of the stranger that people may talk more freely by him”

“Or her, love. Ellie, Mary, there were two women who seemed to have a couple of issues, from the earwigging I managed”

Sandy shrugged, in a way so very reminiscent of her husband.

“So I did multiple refills at the buffet. Little ones, so I could look ladylike, and go back far more often. Anyway, you’ve got one who was muttering about checking which loo you use”

I swore, having a very good idea who that might be, and Sandy just waved her hands in negation.

“No, woman. It’s actually quite simple. You use the right loo, the ladies’ I mean, and you do it calmly and correctly. She’ll be trying to build up a file of you perving, which you won’t be. After a while, the fuss will die down, and she’ll be on her own. She’ll either work out that she was wrong---unlikely, I know---or she’ll be in the frame for a disciplinary. That’s what happened at my place”

She looked across at Mary, with a little wince.

“Of course, when we had our wedding, that pulled the rug from underneath the diehard haters. I mean, look at him! How could you hate that? Unfortunately, I’m going to have to find a way to bring his ego back to normal after that comment”

“My ego, as you call it, remains appropriate, my love. Now, we shall ride back shortly to our site, once my coffee is effective. Ellie, a promise?”

“What do you mean, Greg?”

“We, my wife and myself, we understand what your journey in Australia meant. We also understand what it could have become, and why your two friends were so important. You will have moments…”

He looked at Sandy, who ducked her head.

“Moments arise when hope seems futile, when life is making demands that your soul feels it cannot meet. You have friends here as well, my sweet one, and not just the two of us here. That was also clear from what we saw and heard at that pub. Do not forget that, please. If the load is heavier than you can raise, remember where we are. Will you be at York this year?”

I looked over to Mary, who gave a quick nod.

“I suspect I should be there as well, just to curb the gossip if nothing else. Which means I should probably get some riding in beforehand. Are you sure you don’t want a lift down to Watlington?”

Greg started to say something about honesty, cheating and all the usual bloke stuff, and Sandy simply slapped his arm.

“Go on, then!”

It was me who fitted the bike rack, of course, as well as the one with dishwashing duties, but Mary wasn’t that long, and we spent a reasonably cordial time looking at workwear on the net. I also rang my GP, giving my date of birth and surname while doing my best to be as anodyne as possible with the receptionist, who informed me I would get a call back at around five o-clock that evening. As I closed down the call, she did ask one question I couldn’t avoid.

“Who is Doctor Kumar calling back: Mister or Mizz Ellison?”

“Um, Mizz”

“Right. Please forgive me if this is out of place, but about bloody time. I’ll let him know”

Shit. I went into the kitchen to make a pot of tea, and ended up dropping a cup. Fortunately, it fell into the sink, bouncing rather than smashing, and Mary was there to steady me as a wave of shakes passed through me.

“Nerves, Ellie?”

“Yeah. All that this morning, from Greg and Sandy, and then…I don’t know if I can do this, but I’m already there. Just having a reality flash, love. Don’t know if I can do this, but I know full well I can’t not do it”

“Nervous about the doctor?”

“Yes, to be honest. My fault for going black market, I suppose”

She efficiently took over the tea making, then led me back into our living room, pot and mugs on a tray, before pulling me down next to her on our settee.

“Couldn’t really miss what you were doing, could I?”

I shook my head.

“Just couldn’t face however many more bloody years waiting for the referral. I just know the doc’s going to be pissed off”

I suddenly found myself laughing.

“And I just know he’s going to want to stick me full of bloody needles!”

She looked at me hard, and I saw a change in her expression that surprised me. Everything that far had been led by me, pushing her from that first festive text through the meeting at the airport to the previous night’s drinks; even the shopping trip she had taken me on could be seen as being reactive, driven by me. This was her finally choosing a side.

“Let’s get back to the office wear, Ellie. And see if there are train tickets out for York yet. And rally tickets; they’ll be up”

She was hit by a sudden burst of mirth as she flicked through the websites.

“And that tent of yours is definitely not a two-person job, and I need a new sleeping bag as well as a decent mat. I think a proper summer holiday will have to wait till next year”

She gave me another hard look.

“And I suspect that you won’t really be able to get away with that passport anymore”

We settled on a Vango Tempest in the end, as it had a huge porch suitable for cooking, even if rather heavy. Mary made her vote based on the fact that she had no intention of going on cycle tours, the ride to and from York station was short and mainly flat, and as I was the stronger one, I could carry the heavy stuff. We also ended up with a matched pair of sleeping bags that could zip together, as well as matched skorts. She really was on a roll.

Five o’clock came and went, my phone ringing at ten past.

“To whom am I speaking?”

“Ellie Ellison, Dr Kumar”

“Yes, but which one?”

I sighed.

“Elspeth, Doctor”

“Thank you. No more games, then. My desk dragons are not blind, Mizz Ellison, not even when all you are doing is using the free blood pressure cuff. Now, I need honesty: is it just estradiol you have been sourcing irregularly, or other things as well? Progesterone? Decapeptyl? Spironalactone?”

“Estradiol valerate and spiro, that’s all”

“What doses are you taking?”

I filled him in on the levels I had found online, and he tutted.

“I will need to run bloods and other checks, including your liver function and blood clotting rate. I am simply hoping you have not done serious damage to yourself, Mizz Ellison. This is not the proper way to do things”

“The waiting list for a referral is ten years, Doctor. We can’t afford to go private”

“You say ‘we’?”

“Yes. My wife and I… We had our differences, but, well, we are sorting them”

There was a pause, and when he spoke again, his voice was much softer.

“Ellie, I heard about your trip. I heard before you went, and I suspected… I am glad that my fears were unfounded”

“They weren’t, Doctor. Just, well, unfulfilled is a better word”

“Then I will not be making notes about suicidal ideation for the moment, if that is true”

“It is”

“I will hold you to that promise. Now, before I can do anything material, I will need you to make an appointment with the practice nurse to take some bloods. I have a colleague who is up to speed on this branch of treatment, so we will be looking to confirm your oestrogen and testosterone levels, plus kidney and liver function, and your INR, which is the clotting rate. I… Ellie, I cannot honestly prescribe such medication, as you have no official diagnosis, but I have a duty of care, so will undertake monitoring. Please consider doing one thing, and that is to speak to a consultant gender clinician. Yes, I know it will cost, but with even one diagnosis, I can act more freely. Two, well, then we can move on properly. Please do not vary your dosage until I have the blood work back, so that we have a baseline to work from”

He suddenly laughed, and I waited for him to explain.

“Ellie, we have gone through a full consultation, and I only now realise that I have not asked a most basic question, and we need to tick that box”

“Which is?”

“Do you feel that you are a trans woman?”