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Chapter 1: Life
“Mister, are you all right?” asked a concerned cashier.
Having nearly fallen to the ground, I smiled and said, “Oh, nothing. Thank you.”
My legs couldn’t support my weight that much, just the disadvantage of aging nearly 75. But, there was the last thing to fight for. I couldn’t give up.
I rambled towards my car in front of the seven-eleven in the gas station. I hopped in and buckled up. I chuckled. I’d used this 1970 VW Beetle for almost 35 years; it went with me everywhere.
I was heading towards California, which is my wife's hometown and burial place. I was gonna bring her her favorite pendant–a pendant which has our picture of joy and affection in it.
After all, I hoped to rest beside my wife's tomb, to be with her, the sweet hereafter. Unfortunately, the terminal intestine cancer was killing me slowly and painfully; I hoped my ordeal would cease there, replaced with my hope.
The road I was driving on, left and right side are prairie fields stretching out endlessly. Not so long would I drive past Oklahoma.
It was nearly midnight. The vision of the field was dark, only the street lamps were shining. It seemed normal until I heard a round of honks coming from behind. I glanced at the rearview mirror and saw a truck.
No sooner had I seen it than I was hit. Soon, I realized I wouldn’t survive this. My car was pushed towards a large street light. I quickly grabbed an envelope—the pendant—on the passenger seat when my car crashed into the street light at high speed.
I didn’t feel any pain at all when I realized I was thrown out of the car through the shattered windshield. However, my right hand still clung to the envelope of life.
My body landed forcefully on the roadside. Because of cracked bones, I couldn’t really move. I was waiting for death to come get me. My hope faded in the bleak but starry night sky.
I turned my head to the field and I saw her. She wasn’t death. A wide smile cracked in my shattered face, it was her, Diane, my wife.
A bright white light surrounded her, she walked towards me and sat in front of me. Before my vision could fade away, I saw her smile and gently touch my head before my vision slowly faded away. It was the happiest moment in my life despite those circumstances.
***
I still feel that my consciousness didn't fade away. I still feel when the paramedics put me on the gurney. I could hear everything they said. Actually, I was baffled by what they'd said.
Then my consciousness started to fade away, too.
***
I heard a heavy metal song playing on the right side of mine. Feeling dizzy, I tried to crack my eyelids open but was disturbed by a very bright light.
"Where am I?" was all I could mutter out of my sore throat at that moment.
Noticing the girl sitting on the chair beside my bed, I called her, “Hey?”
She was startled and blurted out, “Oh. hey! You’re finally awake.”
She pressed the button to call a doctor beside me. Smiling at me, she said, “As I heard from my mom and dad, you’ve gone unconscious for 3 straight days. A glass of water?”
I just nodded and she helped me get up. No sooner had I got up than strands of black hair fell and somewhat blocked my view. I never had long hair. I noticed there was something weighing on my chest. I feel…normal…at home.
Knowing something strange had happened to my body, instead, I didn’t freak out. I could somehow control my emotion at that point. Or this was something I wanted…a long time ago?
Handing me a glass of water, the girl said, “Here. I’m Hannah by the way”
Then something weird hit me; like I was filled with a set of new memories. All my old memories didn’t fade away, nevertheless. They still cling tightly in my mind.
I smiled and simply said, “Thanks. I. Uh. I’m Cheryl.”
A minute later, a doctor and a nurse barged into the hospital room I was in. Dr. Spielmann told me that I was very lucky. How I survived the crash was unbelievable; there was no concussion or wound or anything that caused pain.
To be frank, I liked the doctor and the nurse attitude. They were actually nice and amiable when they spoke and interacted with me.
After Dr. Spielmann left, the nurse came to the girl and playfully stroked the girl’s long raven hair. She said, “You're a real help. Thanks, darlin’.”
She turned to me, smiled and said, “By the way, you can call me Karen. And that’s my daughter, Hannah.”
Trying to be nice, I said, “Pleasure to meet you both. What time is it now?”
“It’s 8 A.M. Dear.” Said Karen.
Standing up, Karen continued, “I have to go check on other patients.” She smiled warmly at me and Hannah.
After Karen left, Hannah turned to me. She chuckled and said, “My mom is always nice to everybody no matter what.”
“And, you take after her exactly.” I chimed in.
She grinned and said, “Yeah yeah yeah.”
Finding more topics to talk about, I observed her fashion style. She was wearing all black. Her makeup was heavy with black shade. And her long raven hair looks beautifully styled. Overall, she was gorgeous.
Since I couldn’t catch up to modern fashion, I asked her, “Hey, Can I ask you what your look is called.”
She pointed at herself, “About my look? Hmm. It’s called goth.”
I replied with a warm smile, “It scares me off, I think.”
Giggling, she jovially said, “My look does scare someone; my heart doesn’t.”
I started to like her, really. She not only looked pretty, but also goofy and kind-hearted. I sensed those.
Stifling a laugh, I replied, “Now you’re bragging about yourself.”
Hannah, feigning an anger, replied quickly, “Hey, I’m not joking!” She then playfully poked me in my ribs and turned to tickle my toes non-stop.
“Hey! stop!” I tried to stifle a laugh and squirm.
She finally let go of me. Giggling, she teased, “Another mocking means I’ll maim you.”
Hannah smirked at me and I laughed. She was quite a kidder. I feel at ease when I’m near her.
She sat on the couch. “Come sit here with me,” she pointed at the empty spot on the right of her.
“Sure,” I nodded and came to sit with her.
Suddenly, she inquired,“Can I ask you something?”
I replied normally, “Sure, what is it?”
She said, “How was your life before? I mean, was it good or bad?” Her face looked prominently concerned.
Not feeling excited about talking about my past, I replied casually, “Normally, I don’t wanna talk about it. But, I’d say it wasn’t very nice. And I really hate it.”
Knowing she did understand, I lightly smiled, “To be frank, I feel more at home talking to you than anyone else.”
She happily giggled and said, “Likewise. Let’s not talk about this if you’re not comfortable. But, mom and dad told me that your last foster parents weren’t so pleased with having you as their daughter. They don’t want to foster you anymore. You’re finding a new foster family right?” She paused for seconds.
Willing to know what she would say, I demanded, “You can tell me anything.”
She smiled and said, “Put simply, mom and dad want to adopt someone because they really dreamed of having a family of a mother, a father, and two daughters. They’d like to foster you.”
By the help of my new memories, I could logically feel like it had happened before.
Smiling wider, I said naturally, “Hey, I’ve been looking for a new foster family for months. No one seems to want to adopt me for some reason.”
“Mom and dad said they had contacted the orphanage already. We are waiting for your consent.”
Not sure what to say, I said, “Are you sure to have me as your new family member? I don’t want to increase someone’s burden.”
Hannah frowned and retorted, “Hey, not at all. I’d like to have you as a sister, having got to know you more this time.”
I grinned goofily at her. I asked, “When will I finally be out of here?”
“Maybe tomorrow morning if mom and dad are done with the documents today. You don’t have to go back to the orphanage anymore,” she replied casually. “Can I call you my sis now?”
***
It was half past four in the afternoon. I was watching TV in the hospital room alone. Hannah already told Karen about me wanting to be fostered by them. Karen and her husband were extremely pleased by my affirmation.
Hannah had gone to her home for an hour to fetch me some clothes and snuck a delicious dinner instead of bland hospital meals. She had to bring her essential belongings with her because she wanted to stay overnight with me.
The idea of having a lovely family thrilled me; when I was a young and strong teenager. I’d already been in a broken and melancholic family for years. Overall, I was lacking warmth.
When I was an adult, I was married to my beloved wife Diane and had one daughter, Joanna. We cared about her a lot until one day she was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer. Joanna passed away at the age of 3. We tried our best to raise her. My wife's heart was totally broken. She cried alone with her shattered heart for months until she finally got over it. We continued our married life for almost decades when she was diagnosed with the last stage of cancer. She lived with steadfast hope with me alongside until she peacefully passed away at age of 65. I cried a lot like her like when she did after Joanna was taken.
I lived a boring life until that day of accident which was ten years later. I never renege my promise to Diane.
I was pulled out of my trance when Hannah entered the room. Having closed the door, she put the bag on the floor and our dinner on a wheeled table. She joyfully smiled and said, “I’ve got you some essentials and our lovely dinner!” She goofily giggled after that.
“Oh yeah. What is it?”, I asked, smirking. She giggled and placed a box of pepperoni pizza on the floor.
“Oh you know my fav.”, I joked.
She turns to me with mere surprise, “Oh really? That’s nice. I like pepperoni too. It’s sour and salty…with cheese…oh I can’t wait to dive in it!”
Seeing her happy, I smile, “Oh yeah, l could have a very nice time with it..”
We enjoyed our meal in ecstasy with glasses of Coca Cola alongside. It was a very nice dinner which I hadn’t felt in decades.
After we devoured our super delicious meal, Hannah slept on the couch and I slept on the hospital bed…thinking about my life…about how worthy life is…and how I can make the meanings out of my new life…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter 2: Somewhere at the Beginning of Time
It was three days after I had regained consciousness.
“Hey! Cheryl! We’ve got your bag ready!”, called Karen as I moved out of the hospital room.
Hannah appeared beside me and smirked, “So, how ya feeling about a new cozy and warm family?”
“Beyond the happiness.”, I smiled.
“That’s great! Well, we don’t have much time since my mom has to bring you to enroll in the school. Scoot!”
About half an hour later, we arrived at John Baker High School: The Home of the Grizzly Bears.
I was in the same grade as Hannah, sophomore. I reminisced about the day of my sophomore year at this very place. It was around 1946. Yes, it was after World War II. That was when I first met Diane. She moved from Vermont with her smile that could enthrall me to the end of the light.
She is a gorgeous and unforgettable cheerleader in her time. We hung out a lot; we shared the same interests; we went everywhere together. It was the time of our life—the affection of which no one can crush.
We went home afterwards. It was a great and cozy home: Two Stories, three bathrooms, four bedrooms, and a spacious backyard with a swimming pool.
After I had settled in my new room, it is spacious and comfy. I arranged my belongings around the rooms when I saw it. The envelope in my bag.
I slowly picked it up and slowly slowly pulled out the pendant…it is the pendant with the picture of me, Diane, and little Joanna in 1962.
Sobbing, I affectionately kissed the pendant before wearing it around my neck.
I made myself up and went downstairs. Karen was cooking dinner for us in the kitchen while her radio was on…
“Two drifters off to see the world…”
My world around me collapsed into a dark cinema in 1961. Diane and I were sitting in a cinema watching Breakfast at Tiffany while she was carrying our little Joanna in her pregnant body. The silver screen and the coldness of rainy New York. Audrey, the raw emotions—the genuine emotions—kissed a man she loved…Diane looked at me with a knowing smile. I could feel little Joanna crying with joy.
“We’re after the same rainbow’s end”. We leaned closer and closer. “Waiting round the bend”. We could feel our breaths. “My Huckleberry friend”. There emanated a light on the darkness which no one but us could sense. We leaned closer, our lips parted. “Moon River and me…” We kissed in the dark of our light in the bleak cinema. It was not Moon River and me—but Diane and I.
“Hey, Cher-Bear.”
The world rebuilt itself around me as Hannah nudged me. “Wanna take a walk around here…you know, meet some new people, new neighbors…”
I giggled, “Sure. It’d be great to know people at the beginning of time.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I wrote this since I was 17 , 2023, but decided to return to write this in October 2026.
If you wish for a new chapter, I'd be happy to do that.
Dedicated to Gustav Mahler and everyone, for inspiring my inspirations.
Thanks
Eve
13/10/2026
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Comments
How Was Your Life Before?
Are we supposed to be wondering whether Cheryl's new family knows about the man she used to be? Hannah's question certainly had me thinking along those lines initially. She quickly provided an innocent explanation, but it didn't completely convince me. The "meet some new people" line at the end also has both innocent and knowledgeable readings.
There's also the time question: our protagonist says that s/he met Dianne as a high school sophomore in 1946, which would mean he was born around 1931 and would have been 75 around 2006. Is the story taking place then, or did she get time-ported from there to the present, or did she hitchhike, so to speak, from Cheryl's birth until now, taking over after Cheryl's own fatal accident 16 years later? That'd put us shortly before the time your endnote says that you started writing this in 2023. (I don't think the Goth makeup and Cheryl's question about it tells us anything useful timewise.)
Looking forward to more.
-Eric
Answers
1.) There is no time teleportation
Yes, I actually put the plot in 2006 as calculated but I didn't explain it explicitly. Unfortunately, I write like a mood swing Gustav Mahler and it may be complex to understand the time-line, philosophy and psychology of why Cheryl quickly accepts her fate; it's because she is an old soul. She has been through the earthly turmoil of the careless nature, which to be said, indifferent. I just see that a broken man, broken childhoold, broken family or as I implied in the story that he has a desire to become a woman. The world around him shattered like as I may put in Gilbert O'Sullivan "Alone Again, Naturally". Cheryl (the old soul), for many decades, she lacked warmth.
2.) Motif
Also, I am so obsessed with Mahler's existential dread and his music. As stated in Symphony No. 3, nature is beautiful but in his ninth, death comes to us all whether you want or not and it is beautiful and, I would say, careless to everything. The inspiration to write is from the perspective of Mahler Symphony No. 2 (Resurrection). I like his edited version of Klopstock "Auferstehung" that Mahler himself wrote "I shall die so as to live!" It's not the death sending her to the sweet hereafter but a chance, a chance of her transcending away from her grief to the resurrected life of hope.
3.) Philosophy
To say about why Cheryl is very resilient, the idea is from Nietzsche Philosophy of Amor Fati (Love of One's Fate). As you can see from chapter one, for many years she accepted her fates wheter they are good, bad or not and chose to move on with the broken life finding the new hope. When that very hope comes with his new and old memories mixing together, for the lens of Amor Fati, it is a beautiful chance to accept the fate—the hope which Cheryl never had.
4.) Psychology.
As I stated that it is a view of an Asperger person with major depressive disorder and gender dysphoria, I am an Asperger person myself. To write about Cheryl is to collect the shared empathy and the world view of the old generation and with the 2000s generation. Cheryl is a person of Amor Fati. I feel I had to wait for 5 years since 2021 to get HRT in 2026. It was a desire. An immensely strong desire with grief. So I asked myself a question, "How would Cheryl feel for seven and a half decade with that desire with grief and a small hope?" I answered to myself it would be devastating and Cheryl had to take a lot of psychological burdens for decades. When the chance comes, I just accept it.
5.) A True Friend
Hannah is a hope of fulfilling Cheryl's life which was dismissed in the past. I would say Hannah is Mahler's "Urlicht" and Mercer's "Huckleberry Friend".
6.) She Rises Again. (Sie Ersteht Auf)
When the chance comes, Cheryl accepts it. The burdens and grief and her past are too much. It's time for her to resurrect her own life in her desired paths.
Thanks for the comment and sorry for my writing complexity,
Eve
13/10/2026
E. Drzymalska
Continue
I’ll wait for next chapter.
Cheryl's Journey
Wow! I will wait to see where it goes from here. A Good writer and storyteller.
Welcome Jessie C
Jessica Connors
My First Inspiration
In 2021, it was my first time stumbling into Bigcloset Topshelf accidentally. Your work—Caught in the Act—I read it on August 7, 2021 since I was fifteen years old and it was my birthday. Your works had me navigate through the world of Bigcloset and I read a lot of stories. My determination is just to find myself. And I have found myself.
Best regards,
Eve
Since August 7, 2021
E. Drzymalska