The bleeding started Tuesday.

I woke up with a deep, grinding ache in the lower pelvis and a dampness that wasn't like anything I'd experienced before. Dark red against the gray cotton of my old boxer briefs. I sat on the toilet for twenty minutes running the clinical timeline: twenty-eight days since the mesh initiated ovarian function, the endometrium shedding on schedule.

I bought what I needed at a pharmacy. Between that and the compression tanks, which have been doing their job for two weeks and irritating the skin, the friction is a daily fact now.

The paper covering the exam table sounds like dry leaves every time I drag a breath into my lungs. I'm wearing a faded blue hospital gown that ties in the back. The thermostat in the clinic is set for staff moving around in thick scrubs, and the cold air raises goosebumps on my thighs. It tightens the tender flesh on my chest until the ache runs up into my collarbone. I keep my arms crossed loosely over my stomach to avoid brushing the fabric against my own nipples.

Sunday, December 17, I summoned Victoria. I planned to cycle through the four women now, and summoning her today meant she would also be here on Christmas, so that everybody could be together then. We woke up sharp at 3 AM, though the time in Alaska hardly mattered. Even if we woke up at 7, it would still be dark outside. This time would work better with my parents’ schedule.

The nylon strap of the car seatbelt drags across my chest every time I brake. A week ago it was background friction, nothing. By Thursday the fabric bites into flesh that's gone tender and strange just below my collarbone, and I drive the whole way from the firm holding the strap an inch off my shirt with my left hand, steering with my right. My shoulder aches from the angle.

Three weeks on and the gym is the thing I have.

Having just married both Nancys, she was the focal point of my dream the next night, though I kept seeing Nancy change between my Nancy and a version of Victoria’s Nancy who had the most outrageous of the tattoos and piercings of the guests at her wedding. On Sunday, December 3, it was my Nancy who I found in bed with me.

Chapter Two

James should have known he was in trouble when Ashley started smiling.

Not her normal smile.

This was the smile she got when she’d already decided something was going to happen and was simply waiting for everyone else to catch up.

James stood in the middle of their apartment living room with his arms folded.

“I still think this is a terrible idea.”

Ashley sat cross-legged on the couch.

“You’ve said that seventeen times.”

“Because it’s a terrible idea.”

“You need a job.”

“I know.”

Wes is good at managing women, until his body starts becoming one. He's sleeping with two women and lying to both of them, and they respond to his shifting body in ways that confuse and excite him even as they terrify him. Jenny, the ex he wronged, is a gynecologist who knows more than what she lets on. A story about desire, consequence, and what it feels like to learn something from the inside.

---

We verified that everyone’s clothes were ready, the sole exception being that Victoria’s wedding dress currently looked like Mona’s.

We confirmed with the catering staff that our Thanksgiving dinner for 119 was going to be ready at 3.

We confirmed Jeremy was ready as best man. He and Arturo were going to arrive early; the hall would already be set up then, and Arturo could just take a seat, but Jeremy needed to be ready to be part of the procession.

The bed is wrong on both sides now.

I wake at 5:31 and lie there in the gray light with the sheets and the wrong silence. Kate's side of the bed is just her side of the bed now, the impression her hip has made in the mattress over two years, the pillow she's taken, the whole absence of her breathing. She took the comforter, or I let her take it. I can't reconstruct that part of the conversation. What's left is the spare blanket from the hall closet, the one that smells like the cedar block I put in there two winters ago, and I've slept one night under it and woken up cold.