even if you never watched "the walking dead" you might have seen the image of a door with the words "Don't open. Dead inside"

well, that's how I feel right now,

I was messaging my therapist today, when it hit me that while I thought I had moved on from guilt about my rapes, apparently I have not.

You see, I told the doctor how I wanted to grow up to be as pretty as my mom, and that gave him the wedge he needed to break me utterly.

So if I had hid that truth, would I have been spared?

My mind knows the answer is no. He'd raped my brother and at least one of my cousins, if I had managed to convince him I was a regular boy I'd be no different than they were.

So last night, I broke my bed. I'm trying to not let Mr. Nasty get me about it, but I could use hugs

I got woken up by my muse this morning with a brand new story.

Go check it out:

https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/89084/tea-with-true-n...

I was thinking more about the dream I had the other day, and it occurred to me that its one of very few dreams I've had where I was clearly presenting as a teenage girl.

Now most of my dreams, I couldn't tell you what I was wearing, or if I was in the closet, but this dream had some pretty strong indications of my gender presentation.

And it comes in the first part of the dream, where a older teen boy attempts to tickle me.

okay so yesterday, Sharon called me, and asked if we could give her and Sam a ride to her doctor's because Sam was having some muscle strain issues. I could not go, so Mom went, and when she returned, things were very different.

Sharon was having pain in her leg, and her doctor believed it could be a blood clot, and so had her go to the nearby hospital. Once there, Mom was told she couldn't stay because of COVID, so she took Sam home and then came home herself.

So yesterday was a tough day.

I was having such trouble driving while running Sharon and Sam around that Mom had to take over for me.

Mom felt my forehead and noticed I was hot and sweating, which may have something to do with it.

The only good thing is that I've fought off Mr. Nasty who wanted me to feel like a failure about the whole thing.

Ah, well.

Well, after almost 3 months without much in the way of visits by my writing muse, I am FINALLY working on a new story. I'll post something when its ready to go.

On another note, I just wanted to say "thank you" to everyone who suggested a name for my octopus stuffie, and her new name is Calista Octavia Rose. If I figure out how, I'll share a picture.

That's it for now, except of course sending huggles to all who wish them.

So I saw my doctor the other day in regards to some blood tests he had ordered for me.

Some good news, my liver is doing better, my bad cholesterol has dropped, but there was one troubling result.

My white blood count is very high, and has been high for months.

Now there are lots of things that could cause that, but the one I immediately thought of was the Big C - cancer.

My doctor is going to try and get me an appointment with a specialist, but with COVID, it may not happen quickly, so I'm going to have this hanging over my head for a while.

all right, so last night I had another nightmare within moments of falling asleep.

Both were about losing control on a slippery surface - the first while driving a car, the second while trying to walk down a set of stairs.

I'm officially concerned now . . .

I've got an idea for a story and not sure if it would go over well

the story is about a man who had committed assault and rape tries to reform and make up for the harm he's caused, and may involve him changing into a woman.

would you read a story like that?

so to tell this story, I have to set the scene.

when I go to bed, I have a light soft fleece blanket and on top of that a weighted blanket.

So got that image: me, soft fleece, heavy weight.

So this morning, I woke up to discover I had somehow switched the two blankets, and now the weighted one was under the fleece one.

I have no idea how I did this . . .

So yesterday, my mom got a new set of dentures, hopefully allowing her to eat more. She also got a pair of hearing aids, which also will help.

Will this mean we get a reprieve, and have her around a bit longer?

I guess time will tell.

Because I am A: a nerd, and B: a bit strange, I sometimes picture my body as a starship, and every morning Captain Brain gets into the command chair and gets the status updates for the day.

Well, to extend the metaphor a bit, you ever see an episode of any of the Star Trek shows where the ship starts having a bunch of malfunctions and nobody knows why?

Yeah, that's pretty much me right now. as my balance is off, my PTSD is on red alert, various parts of my body are complaining of pain, and I'm just generally getting all kinds of error messages that I can't track down.

There are times when I feel like I should start a separate blog for my dreams, since they fill up a lot of my entries here.

Until I do, here is my latest dream.

I was once again in university, but living in a dorm built right above the main building.

I was roaming around, but not because I was lost or looking for something I lost, but simply exploring to figure out the layout of the place.

I felt happy, and confident - which is pretty rare in my dreams - that I was going to be fine when the school semester began.