When I first went on the 'net, I joined a chat site called IMVU, and met some wonderful people there.

I've been having a lot of flashbacks lately, and its got me thinking about a story I wrote called "I am nine years old"

Here is a link, if you havent read it:

Well, I just got back from seeing my family doctor, and things are finally moving forward again. He'd been waiting for the results of my bloodwork, and with that now arrived, he faxed everything to the gender specialist, and I go on to the next step, trying to lose the weight.

He's sent information to a medically supervised program, and when they get back to me, I can really get going on it. Not going to be easy, because he wants me to lose around 50 pounds, but with determination and perseverance, I can make it.

Yesterday I talked about being in the company of another trans girl suffering with a lack of confidence in her looks, despite the fact she is really good looking, and last night, it was like God decided to drive the point home to me.

I sat with some other girls at work on our lunch break, and listened as one talked about her struggles with her appearance, and how even now as an adult she sometimes finds it an issue.

And this is a genetic girl and a rather pretty one at that telling this story.

Since I mentioned it yesterday, I might as well tell the story of how I came to run for president of the student council in high school.

For those of you who havent heard yet, Jim Sandusky, the former assistant coach of the Pen State has been sentenced to between 30 and 60 years in prison for molesting young boys.

One of my co-workers told me I'm kind of an ambassador, which I kinda struggled with as a concept.

I was reading this book about a woman who has a breakdown on my breaks at work, and it got me thinking about visiting my brother in the mental ward when we were both kids.

Well, last night at work, we were sharing some stories about our respective childhoods, and I talked about snapping and almost killing my stepfather, ending with the statement "I'm dangerous."

I phoned the doctor's office about the stuff they were supposed to send to the gender specialist, and they dont have any record of the stuff at all. Nothing in my file except I came in for a full work-up, nothing else.

I honestly dont know what to do now.

My best option I think is to get the stuff from the gender doc again, go to a different doctor and go through the whole thing again, but considering I suffered a week of flashbacks after the last time, I would rather not.

This.... sucks.

I just got back from the gender specialist, and while everything else is go, they never received from my family doctor the results of my physical.

I

AM

NOT

HAPPY

I've had a few people compliment me on my transition, calling me "brave", and it got me thinking - Am I actually being brave, doing this?

"The Echo chamber"

Right now, I'm in manic mode, and you'd think that would be good news compared to being depressed, and there are some benefits to it, but there are risks too.

Well, after I vented here, I decided that I wanted to start to figure out how I could break my mood, and I started with reading a very funny book while waiting for Sam to get off the bus.