Last night while I was puttering around here I got a message that someone wanted to talk. Turned out it was a young woman who was feeling suicidal. Among other things, she was struggling with having been sexually abused at a very young age. She sounded quite serious about killing herself, saying she had a wire around her neck, and I desperately begged her not to do it. I used every argument I could think of, and got her to take off the wire. Eventually, she signed off to go to bed, so I can only hope she will seek some professional help. I hope I helped her.

Well, yesterday was a bit of a mixed day. First, the good - I was pain-free, and that's a very good thing. Second, the bad. I had a nasty little flashback at work, so bad I felt like I couldnt breathe properly, and I was stuttering. Fortunately it didnt last too long, so I didnt miss any of my work. Last, the I-dont-know-what-to-think - I had a bit of an argument with my ex last night, and in the process learned that she understands perfectly what I'm doing, and thinks I'm crazy, but she shows no signs of keeping Sam from me.

Make of this what you will.

Well, my weekend has been pretty full so far. First, on Saturday morning at work, I pulled my knee and spent the last hour or so basically doing my job on one leg. Its not hurting now, but its a reminder that one day, and probably sooner than I would like, I'll be either disabled or looking for another job, or both ....

Then Saturday evening I had the dinner for my mom and ex in celebration of Mother's day. Went okay, except having my mom use the male pronoun stung ....

well, today isnt a bad day so far, but I'm feeling a tad grumpy, and I'm not really sure why. Its not one of my black dog days, where I have to fight off feeling like a worthless failure. Its not even one of those days where I feel like a fake, that I will never be a "real" woman no matter what I do. Its just a blech day, and I guess those happen sometimes.

Ah, well.

I got one strange piece of advice from my councilor yesterday, and that was that I should flirt with people - not in a "I'd like to date you" kind of way, but be friendly and complimentary and social. I'm not entirely sure I know how to "flirt" causally as a male would, much less how a woman does it, so it could be interesting ...

I had a spiritual moment today on my way home from watching "The Avengers". All of a sudden, I felt .... connected to everything around me. That me being trans isnt a mistake or sin but exactly what I'm supposed to be at this moment. I cant do justice to it, but it was amazing, and comforting.

I'm pretty sure most of you have seen the image - the person faced with a choice with an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other, trying to decide which way to go.

Well, I have at least one devil on my shoulder, whose name is Worthlessness, and today he was very active, listing all my failures, ready to convince me I am only a source of grief to those who dare come close to me. It got to the point where I was seriously trying to figure out if ending my life would be a net gain for the people around me or not.

just came back from a regular maintenance for my car, and the lady complimented me on how well I've maintained the car since I bought it. As someone who struggles with feeling competent, it felt rather nice.

I'm not sure what's going on in my head at the moment. I feel so depressed I could curl up into a ball and so up I could practically float away, both at the same exact moment.

Ah, well.

As I have noted before, I've been amazingly blessed in this journey, and now I would like to turn that situation around, and be a blessing in return. So this is my prayer at the moment:

Dear Lord, make me a blessing. Use me to bring good to the lives around me. And make me into the kind of woman who is a good example of what You can do with a willing heart.

Amen.

Just wanted to share a bit about my latest piece, "Understanding Rachel". It came about as I was on the phone with Tels, and suddenly I looked at how I was sitting. Without thinking about it, I had slipped into a very feminine posture. Even my mom noticed, and started calling me a teenage girl. So after my phone call, I started writing it down, and the story just flowed from there. I hope you all enjoyed it, and thanks to those who have commented.

yesterday at work while I was in the washroom, I stood up, and for a moment saw myself pants down in the mirror, seeing everything. I dont think I could possibly explain how ugly that part of me seems to me, how ... wrong it feels to have male parts.

I actually cried at the sight.

Sigh.

went to a bible study run by my brother's church last night. It was pretty good, and they called me Dorothy without hesitation. Not sure what they thought about the whole thing, it simply never came up. But the end result is I got what I want more than anything else - to treated like the woman I am.

All in all, not bad.

well, I just had a nightmare, and in the process I actually managed to pop out my knee a bit. I've just about had it with the whole thing....

well, I'm making some progress on my "quest" story. I've now done 20 chapters, almost 30,000 words. I've also got a "road map" so I know basically where the story is going from here. The way I see it, it should take 5 more chapters to wrap things up, and if I can average just over 2,000 words per, I'll go over the magic 40,000 word mark, and have an honest-to-goodness novel on my hands.