My mom said that today at breakfast. Made me cry. I wish I could help her, but I dont know how....

I've kinda reached a place where I'm being forced to choose between moving forward and risking what I've already accomplished. See, the next steps are kinda tricky - I have to somehow navigate the ex, change my name, and then I'll be as close as I think I can come as surgery is not likely. But the risks are high too, I flop it with the ex and I worry I'll be tempted to just go back into the closet until I die. I think that's why I've been delaying putting my name change in high gear, much less confront the ex. But standing still isnt much of a option, at least not for long. Ah, well.

I'm feeling very fragile at the moment. The wrong thing at the right time or even the right thing at the wrong time, and I will crack.

Well, I had a couple of nice moments over the last couple of days. First, My mom and I were talking about an aunt who wants to change her name, and mom groused about it feeling like she was talking about a stranger. I said that it was about respecting her choice, just like calling me "Dorothy" is. She said, "But Dorothy suits you."

I thought that was kinda cool.

22 to 12.

That's not a sports score, that's how much my testosterone has dropped in the last 3 months. With them doubling my dosage of estrogen, they hope to bring that number down to 2 by my next check up in March.

Man! Its COOOOLD! Minus 35 degrees Celsius. Gonna stay that way for a couple days too. BRRR....

Well, I was going to work last night from the trans group Christmas dinner when a massive snow storm hit. I thought I was doing pretty well when disaster hit - the car in front of me span out of control, ending up sideways across two lanes of traffic. At this point I felt like I had three options: I could aim for the concrete barrier to the right of me, the raised island to the left of me, or I could just hit the breaks and hope. I touched the breaks, knew I was going to slide, and so aimed for the island.

I was incredibly stoked to read that Diana (Moongoddess) had come out to some people at her bingo hall. Of course now our bar of expectations for her goes up and I expect any day to read that she's going to the hall enfemme and getting called "Di" wherever she goes.... (just kidding hon, take your time, do it at a pace you can handle.) Anyway, after reading that I hoped it could be the start of a trend where some of our closeted authors make the choice to come out. Lets make 2012 the Year We All Stopped Hiding!

I wanted to thank everyone who responded to my request for a GG lesbian willing to talk about sexual attraction. Everything I learned re-assured me that there isnt any significant difference between how they feel and how I do. That's a relief, because I was worried about it.

Well, I just got back from the endocrinology doctor, and he has doubled my prescription of estrogen. Maybe now I'll start seeing some results.

As for the letter I'm writing for my ex, I'm still working on it. I really, really need to find to a way to approach this with her. Right now, I'm struggling with finding the right words. Ah, well, it will come.

Had one of my female co-workers come into work with the best excuse for missing time I've heard - She was told by her husband of 10 plus years, a man with whom she has two kids, that he couldn't live with a "incomplete" woman anymore. (She has lost the bottom half of one leg to disease and works with an artificial one.) My immediate gut reaction was "Men suck". Afterward, I chided myself, and remembered I know a number of very good men, and have met some pretty awful women.

Well, I just wanted to share the story that had given me a tough day until Bailey cheered me up:

http://www.edmontonsun.com/2012/01/06/no-sex-please-union-ex...

Nobody has commented on my latest. Oh well, they cant all be winners ...

Some random thoughts:

I was watching the first season of "Heroes" the other day. I'm a lot like Peter from that show - I was the family screw-up while my brother overcame our background to become a success. And yet he would drop everything to help me in any way possible.

I wonder where my poetry muse went? Its been a long time since I've written a new original piece.

My ex hasnt noticed the earrings yet. I wonder how big my front will get before she notices that?

In the entry before last, I compared my transition to a journey. Keeping with that theme, here is a list of some stuff I hope I've got packed for my particular journey:

Patience. There are going to be lots of times when I'll feel like I'm standing still, so I'll need this.

Persistence - Its a long trip, and I know I'll be tempted to quit, so I'll really have to have some of this packed.

A sense of humor - I'm going to make mistakes, maybe even make a fool of myself sometimes. Having this will help a lot.