I had this story 'pop' into my head while working on one of easily a dozen stories that are in various stages of completion and couldn't let it sit quietly in a corner.  I got a big assist from my friend and an amazing author in her own right (that's a hint to go read her works) Emma Ann Tate who helped edit this story.  Any problems you find are ALL mine, not AI, not your eyes playing tricks on you, me being human and not the best at this writing gig to begin with, but I dabble certainly.  My goal is to have this fully released, all three chapters w/ a chapters worth of epilogue, in seven days.  Wish me luck!  Thanks for considering reading this story, hope you enjoy it.

R

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[ Unexpected Attendee ]
It was always the ‘face’ with Jen - an expression that was difficult to describe but impossible to misinterpret. I was going to do my best to not sound defensive, but after a couple months of getting hounded nearly every time we talked, that was going to be difficult.

"No, I'm still working on that. I haven't forgotten. Besides, you won't exactly let me forget!"

“Won’t let you forget? That’s because my wedding is this weekend and I’ve been hearing that same answer for months now,” Jen complained right back at me, gave me the raised brow and crooked grin I’d come to associate with her proposed solution to the problem of my having a ‘plus-one’ for her wedding.

My face clearly sent a refusal notice to her brow and grin nudge, and before she could push her potential solution again I stated with force, “I’m not going with your boss or anyone from the warehouse for that matter.”

She’d proposed three ‘potentials’ from her place of employment right after announcing her wedding date to me. I’d met all of them at a trade show her company had a booth for last year, was introduced, and the subject of my being trans had come up organically. As best I could tell, none of those guys seemed to care or had been bothered by that tiny detail about me.

Three guys, same place, at the same time, and no one was concerned? To me that screamed ‘red flag’, but to Jen it meant any of the three would be a known quantity, weren’t likely to go off the rails during her wedding, and could handle sitting with me at a table of high school friends we both knew. She knew my life, my troubles with dating guys – HELLO! – her optimism gauge was running too far into the unreasonable zone for this proposed solution.

In the event things did get weird, which was a good bet since I hadn’t seen a couple of those high school peeps in nearly twelve years, it would be nice to be there with someone who could roll with any odd looks or whispers they might get from being seen with me. As far as I could tell, all three were secure enough in their masculinity to handle sitting beside me. Or so I hoped. Apparently, some men still worried that being with or attracted to a trans woman might make people question their sexuality. That revelation wasn’t anything new or unheard of, hell even Jen knew that, which made her pushing her coworkers even more odd to me.

I just wanted to be there with someone I felt comfortable with, who would let me enjoy the wedding, could dance – or at least sway while I let loose – and most importantly get home with my psyche intact. How was that too much to ask for?

“My wedding is Saturday, you’re coming or I’m going to disown you,” she said smiling. “And I don’t want you sitting at the ‘friends’ table without an ally or at least someone to talk to if the gang or their spouses make it weird or awkward. Going with Bob, Lance, or even Rick, isn’t a commitment to starting a relationship, it’s just someone to hang with and they’re all nice, you know that...”

“Can we change the subject, Pppplease?”

“Okay, okay, but if you’re ‘single’ still by the rehearsal dinner I’m calling Bob – so be prepared,” she threatened.

Great! Bob was her boss, recently single due to a divorce, thirty-eight, decent shape, mildly handsome, two kids, and maybe five-foot-seven on a good hair day. In bare feet I was five-eight and a half, and the dress I’d bought for the wedding required heels, three inch heels. I could maybe get away with two’s, but I’d still tower over someone who was shorter than me when I was barefooted.

Okay, I had options in the shoe department, but flats weren’t the answer and neither was being on the arm of one of the Seven Dwarfs – Bob!

To make the idea of going with Bob even more cringe-worthy, Jen had told me he had asked about my ‘status’ a couple times. Status like whether I was seeing someone, not something that wasn’t anyone’s business but my own! Odd though, each time she’d told me he’d ‘inquired’ I wondered why he was interested, especially after his first inquiry didn’t lead to her playing matchmaker or giving him any indication I was remotely interested. Was he really that clueless or desperate or a chaser? Ugh!

“No, I’m not going with Bob. Now seriously, what else can we talk about that pertains to the wedding and doesn’t involve me attending with a plus-one?” I asked, sure I sounded like I was begging her to move on to another topic – because I WAS!

“Hmm… K, well the flower arrangements changed because they couldn’t get the Starburst Panache, so they’re going with the Sunrich Orange, which should still give it a kind of ‘fall’ like feeling,” she stated, though I recognized the hint of doubt in her voice.

“The flowers are important, but trust me we’ll all be focused on you and David, so that seems like a good flower compromise,” I replied, having no clue what the difference was between those two types of flowers or species or whatever she’d just mentioned.

I should get credit for knowing they were flowers though, right?

I watched her face do a thing… And I knew instantly there was something troubling her and it wasn’t that I didn’t have a date for the wedding.

We’d known each other since sixth grade, when we’d come from different ‘feeder’ schools to the same middle school and became instant friends. If I hadn’t been traveling for work every other week I’m pretty sure I’d have been her maid of honor instead of Anna, and maybe she’d have considered having two or three bridesmaids even. As friends of hers went, Anna and I were pretty much equals. I felt like I’d let Jen down by not being available – even though she’d given me a pass. Anna did have a ‘party-planner’ gene we’d all kill for, so she was the right choice for the job.

“There’s something else,” I asked, sure there was something bigger troubling her.

She nodded, and spit out softly, “Ryan might be coming… Dad’s being stupid about it as you can imagine.”

Ryan might show up? Whoa! Okay, that’s not what I expected. I could see why she was stressed, though I’d believe he was showing up when I saw it.

He would certainly be a surprise addition to the festivities, especially since the relationship between her younger brother and parents were strained, though he’d completely earned his family’s ‘black sheep’ designation.

“Have you talked to him?”

“No, he called Anna out of the blue yesterday at work and she’d told him about the wedding, and he asked if he was invited. She didn’t want me to worry about it, so checked with my mom and she ended up calling him to say he would be welcome. I guess she warned him she didn’t want any drama and made him promise he’d behave around Dad. I’m happy he’s coming, though a little worried too…”

I could see Anna trying to run interference between Ryan and the family up front to avoid any unnecessary stress for Jen – I’d have done the same.

We all knew Ryan had struggled after high school, making it almost two years in college before dropping out under a dark cloud. He’d dealt with both a drug and alcohol addiction, got popped for a DUI conviction that his parents paid out the nose for in legal fees to help shorten his jail time in an Arizona prison. Since he got out he’d been a ghost for the last five years and the family rarely heard from him. I can’t remember the last time his parents even mentioned him when I was around them.

“Is he still driving a truck?” I asked, knowing that was the last occupation I’d heard he had.

“That’s what Anna said… He’s supposed to be in Phoenix today or tomorrow, then heading out this way.”

I’d believe it when I saw it…

[ The Favor ]
*bing*

It was late, I knew that, so did my body as I grudgingly rolled over to face the lighthouse beacon coming from my nightstand because my phone’s screen was glowing.

I’d almost crossed the threshold from consciousness into total oblivion, but now I was fully awake again and a little annoyed. My phone was set to ‘Do Not Disturb’, which kicked on at 9 p.m., but the setting allowed notifications from important contacts, one of whom had just texted me. It was after 10:34 p.m. and all I could think after seeing the name of who’d texted was - God, please don’t let this be her complaining to me about a ‘plus-one’ again. I’ve got tomorrow and Friday yet to find someone! And worse case I could pay someone Saturday to come with me, like a gigolo if that’s still a thing.

I pulled up her text message:

Jen: You up?

Me: No

Me: It’s late! *sleepy face emoji*

I got those replies out while her bubbles were doing their thing next to her name.

Jen: Seriously? It’s not that late! *sad face emoji*

Jen: Sorry

Me: What’s up?

Jen: You and your plus-one?

I bristled – but there was a slight tinge of satisfaction that I’d nailed the reason for her late night intrusion!

Me: Seriously? I’ll have someone with me

I could tell she’d seen my response, but there wasn’t the familiar, immediate, bubbles action happening next to her name. Hmm… Was she having second thoughts about beating me up on this subject tonight?

Me: Can u bitch at me tomorrow?

The bubbles started and I thought maybe, just maybe I’d be sleeping by 11 p.m. if I were lucky.

Jen: Need a huge favor

Great!

Me: Should I be worried about what’s coming next? BOB = NO!

Jen: No Bob, but I’m not sure how you’re going to feel about this request.

Me: THIS? I’m not going to like THIS request?

I was quicker than her bubbles and added:

Me: What am I doing for u?

Jen: I need you to be Ryan’s plus-one and keep an eye on him.

Now it was my turn to not reply right away. Ryan? She wanted me to go with Ryan to the wedding? I saw the bubbles begin to do their thing since I hadn’t answered right away and waited to see if the follow-up to her request had context as to ‘WHY?’!

Jen: He’s in town, sober, looks better than I’ve seen him since he left for college, and I need him to leave town in the same condition. No drama

No drama? Ryan coming to the wedding was sure to bring out the drama! I didn’t need any more of that in my life, I had drama to spare! But, I didn’t need her stressing either. I owed her and if my going with him gave her a little peace of mind I’d swallow my sword… Wait, fall on my sword? Ugh! It’s too frick’n late for swords!!!

Me: I’m sure he’s changed.

Jen: Yes, but I’d like him to not vanish again after the wedding.

What she had neglected to say was I’d be on the hook for keeping him from any slip ups while he was here. I wondered if she’d considered that I’d changed too and maybe that was going to be an issue for Ryan? I saw bubbles and waited again for her to pile on some more details before committing, but it was taking a while for the bubbles to cease.

Jen: We hung out today for an hour. He’s oddly matured, has this adult focus about him. Very different, happier, like the old Ryan we loved.

Jen: Oh! He gave me his two-year coin as a wedding gift!

I thought about replying, but the bubbles continued.

Jen: He is half a year away from earning his third-year coin. I cried!

Jen: He’s got his shit together! Please, do this for me, I’ll owe you.

Ugh… She was making it sound like he’d really changed, and was a better version of his former self. Would he think that about me, that I was a better version? Going with Ryan wasn’t the worst idea out there, but was I up for dealing with any leftover crazy still hanging out in his life or him not accepting me for who I was now or worse – getting caught in the middle of their family drama and blamed for it if I couldn’t keep him in check? Ugh!

Ryan was a little over a year younger than us and because his birthday was later in the school year he’d been a sophomore while Jen and I were seniors in high school. He never gave me any crap for all the time I spent at their house and it wasn’t a secret that Jen was helping me discover the real me. Back then he’d given me a pass, never being too much of a dick about any of the makeup or dressing up I did with Jen, but that didn't mean he'd know how to relate to the woman I'd become or what it might mean to be seen with me.

I did like the kid, though he was her annoying little brother we watched run into real life lessons for being an idiot. I hadn’t seen him since he graduated from high school, two years into my transition when I was afraid of my own shadow most days and had shaky confidence in ever being happy with the path I’d chosen. Would he be his usual dorky self from back then, all cap and gown with National Honor Society neckwear?

I wasn't sure what he'd think of the woman I'd become, now more fully myself than I'd ever been in his presence. Then again, going with him would suck less than possibly having to go with Bob. Not to mention Ryan was easily six feet tall – maybe three-inch heels weren’t out of the question after all!

Jen: ?

I could probably tell her no, but what kind of friend would I be given all she’d done for me? Ugh!

Me: K

Jen: K you’ll go with him or K you’re still thinking?

Jen: Come on, it’s Ryan, you know him. This is a win-win and I need this, please.

I didn’t want her adding more stress to her already stress filled wedding preparation plate…

Me: I’ll go with Ryan. K, u owe me! Let me get back to sleep.

Jen: *heart emoji* I love you!!!!

Me: U can tomorrow! Now = sleep!

Jen: K, g‘nite

Me: Zzzzzz

I remember setting my phone down on its charger, trying to not overthink being at the wedding with Ryan, and stressing about seeing him again, while trying to shut my brain off. The last time I looked at the clock it was just after 1 a.m.! Work in the morning was going to suck!

[ Found Me ]
The rumbling of a truck idling out front had been going on for at least two minutes and when my curiosity got the better of me – wanting to know which of my neighbors was having something delivered or dumped – I signed off of my work laptop and got up from the kitchen island to see what was going on. My hope was I could catch the driver’s eye and do a slicing gesture across my throat to get him to shut the truck off, at least while he was making the delivery.

Outside my door I found there was indeed a semi-truck parked in front of my house, minus the massive trailer, and the driver was just sitting there with the truck idling, a phone to his ear, oblivious to the fact the damn truck was noisy as fuck! When he noticed me standing in my doorway, arms crossed, and obviously annoyed, he gave a brief wave and a stupid grin I’d seen a few thousand times before. Since I’d come out here on a mission, I ran my flattened hand across my throat, watched the recognition of my request settle on his face, and a moment later there was silence once again in my world.

Sixty seconds later I watched as Ryan exited the cab and walked towards me in that same lanky, unhurried gait he hadn’t outgrown from his youth.

“Some things never change. When did you get so damn tall, Mr. Baxter?” I asked, smiling at him, my heart actually swelling a bit at the sight of him. Jen was right, he did look good!

“Pretty sure I was this height last time I saw you. Speaking of changes,” he shot back playfully with a raised brow and not hiding the fact he was staring at my chest.

His comment had all the snark I'd expect to receive from Jen's annoying little brother. I was a little surprised it didn't trigger a minor dysphoria spiral. Can’t say I didn’t struggle for a brief moment though, watching his expression closely, waiting for any change of heart that would take his innocent poke and turn it cruel, but it wasn’t necessary. He was the same Ryan I remembered and his teasing felt familiar rather than threatening. His display of boyish wonder – staring at my chest – was a little uncomfortable, but I figured he was just emphasizing that I’d changed a little since the last time he’d seen me.

“I had breasts the last time I saw you! Don’t stare, it’s rude,” I complained and took the couple steps that remained between us to get my arms around him and squeezed him tight. “It’s really good to see you, Ryan.”

There wasn’t any delay in his returning the hug and I think he might have even kissed the side of my head, but I wouldn’t swear to it. When we separated there was still a smile on his face, warmer now, and possibly containing a hint of admiration. Okay, so maybe he’s matured a little…

“What?”

“You really do look amazing, Stephanie,” he complimented me with ease and I detected a hint of emphasis in how he’d said my name, testing it, to see how it fit me as well as him saying it after all these years.

He sounded respectful, maybe appreciative in a way – like he knew how far I’d come, and the little chill that gave me gathered in my throat. That jolt of elation, like when I’d catch a glimpse of myself somewhere and wasn’t surprised that the woman looking back at me was in fact me or if someone said, ‘she’ or her’ and it sounded like I was supposed to always be addressed that way – that’s how I felt right now and that was a pretty damn amazing feeling.

“Yeah, yeah… I’m sure you tell that to all the girls you’ve met on the road,” I replied, releasing him and turning to lead the way inside so as to hide that I was full on red in the face.

“I have, plenty of times, not gonna lie,” he said as he walked through the door and past me into the living room. “I imagined the future you a little differently when we were kids in my head, seriously, not kidding – you look great, better than... Just wow.”

I wasn’t prepared to hear that as I slowly closed the door, and for a brief second savored the sentiment.

“Thanks, runt…,” I said softly, feeling a slight waver in my voice as I tried to keep my emotions from spilling out of my eyes and onto my tile entryway.

“No, no, no, we’re not doing ancient nicknames this weekend,” he said smiling.

“Fair enough… So, this isn’t, you know, like weird for you?”

“Nah, but it would be if you were sporting a beard, maybe had a little beer belly, and a couple kids running around, then I’d wonder what alternate reality I’d walked into. Look, I’m really happy you figured it out and that you’re happy,” he said, pausing a second before adding, “I’m assuming you’re happy, that’s what Jen says…”

“Thank you… Yeah, I am happy,” I wanted to be talking about anything other than me, so I asked, “How’d you hear about the wedding? No one I know has talked to you in like forever or even knew how to reach you.”

“It happened about like that, by total accident while I was checking on a job listing for a long haul contract at the company Anna works for. When I looked up the officers I saw her name listed and wondered if that was ‘our’ Anna or not, confirmed it was her after a check of LinkedIn and she’d listed SatNav as her employer,” he explained. “I like to know who the players are when I’m dealing with corporate types for jobs we consider picking up. Anyway, that’s how I ended up here. I’d have felt like shit if I’d missed Jen’s wedding. Gotta believe someone up above was looking out for me.”

“Well, I can tell you Jen’s beyond thrilled you’re here.”

“Me too, I’m not happy about being off the grid for so long, especially from her... I’m in a good place now, my company turned a profit last year, and I figured this weekend might be a chance for reconciling some things with my parents.”

“Wait, your company, like that rig out there is yours?”

“Yup, buddy of mine leveraged a small family inheritance to get this little trucking company going, then he ran into some legal issues, and he unfortunately went away for a bit. His wife convinced me to sign on, I kicked in a small investment to restructure the ownership, and between her and me we’ve turned it around the last two years.”

“She and you?” I asked because it almost sounded like there was something going on between them.

“No, no, not like that,” he said smiling and not sounding like he took offense. “Josh is out now, back to running the company, well the three of us are running it together. It’s a good gig and I made enough last year to buy some property in Utah and had a house built on it.”

“Property? Like acreage property? A house? Where’s the Ryan who couldn’t wait to spend any money that he’d earned or was given by his grandparents the moment it was in his hands?”

“He’s learned a few lessons, figured a few things out.” He gave me a funny look, “I could ask where that girl sunbathing with Jen in our back yard is, but I see she’s figured out a few things too.”

There was warmth in the way he mentioned that remembrance and the compliment landed too. I was beginning to realize he was a lot smoother, polished than when we were kids. That sunbathing incident though... Yikes!

That happened the summer before our senior year and no one had been home at their house – everyone was at work. Jen had convinced me – it hadn’t taken much effort – that I needed to buy a bikini so we could lay out in her back yard. That idea only came about because I’d said something about tan lines being like a tattoo, only temporary. She bit hard on that, insisting I needed a bikini, and convincing me I’d enjoy seeing those tan lines every time I took my clothes off.

The only problem was – I needed a bikini. So, we went to Target after we’d picked one out from their website we thought would look good on me. I gave her the money and was totally hiding in Starbucks at the front of the store until she’d made it through the self-checkout. We then rushed back to her place, put our bikinis on, got towels laid out, drinks, chips, music, and that afternoon was me getting experience almost being the complete me.

What we hadn’t known was that an hour into us laying out Ryan had come home early from his summer job, saw us lying out in the backyard, and hadn’t bothered to tell us he was home. When we were ‘tattooed’ and came in to change we’d found him in the living room and I was mortified, running to Jen’s room embarrassed. Sure he’d seen me plenty of times with makeup on, my hair done, and a few times in a dress, but a bikini?!

I remember hearing Jen going off on him and through all of that abuse he took from her he said nothing. When Jen and I talked about it she’d just said he knew better than to give me grief, which was true. I never understood why he never gave me shit about that, ever.

“Speaking of things we don’t need to rehash this weekend,” I said with a raised brow, “That’s one of those we can add to the pile with your ‘no nicknames’ request. So, what’s the story with this property you bought?”

“Understood, but…,” he began saying but after seeing the look on my face, figuring he probably shouldn’t push, he continued with, “Never mind… It’s only nineteen acres, but yeah acreage. It’s a bit remote, so very quiet. There’s a small stream that runs through the middle of it and there’s fish even, I’ve done a lot of fishing this past summer. The nearest town of any significance is a place called Enterprise. I’m kind of in the southwest corner of the state basically. The house is in a meadow, big covered porch looking out at Flat Top Mountain, the north one, not the southern one.”

There was understated pride in all he’d shared, like none of his making a life for himself was expected necessarily, but I was very happy he’d navigated through some of the shady parts of hell to get where he was now. Maybe Jen was right; he had changed for the better.

“Oh, of course it would be facing the northern one,” I tried to say with a straight face but couldn’t stifle a giggle.

After a moment of silence, he asked, “How are your folks doing?”

“About the same…,” I replied slowly, knowing he’d know things hadn’t changed since we were kids.

“So, you’re saying your dad still thinks this is some kind of fad you’ll outgrow?” he asked seriously.

I was surprised he remembered that. I’d told him my dad had said exactly that when I'd told my parents I would transition one day, with or without their approval. I think that might have mentioned that the summer I did the bikini tattoo thing, come to think of it.

“Dad’s mostly past that now, I guess. Probably lukewarm on the idea he’s got a daughter, though he’ll tell you he’s lost a son given the opportunity. My mom’s about the same—she refuses to see me, yet says she misses me when I’m standing right next to her. The old me,” I explained, but Ryan nodded he knew what I’d meant. “She tells people there were ‘no signs’ that I was trans, and likes to throw herself on a funeral pyre while saying, ‘Do you know how hard it is for your dad and me?’ I ended up telling her how I chose to live my life wasn’t for her to decide. I don’t see them that often, so I’m surviving, and I’ve learned no one is coming to save me, so I do what I need to do, which keeps me sane most of the time.”

I got all that out before running out of steam, but it felt a little liberating to say it to someone who knew a little about what I had to put up with as a trans kid growing up. I wonder if he realized how much being able to be my true self at his house did to mold me?

“Hmm… Isn’t being yourself the default anyone can expect?”

I was beginning to believe he truly accepted the ‘default’ version of me a little more than I had worried about last night.

“One would think… I mean, I know the person everyone knew as ‘him’ was part of the life I had to live before I could finally live as myself. My struggle wasn’t necessarily letting go of that existence, it was learning to live comfortably as the person I'd always knew I’d been in a big scary world with a lot of hate out there. Don’t get me wrong, I know my parents needed time to ‘mourn’ their son no longer existed, but after a couple years you’d thinking carrying my headstone around would get annoying. It’s a little annoying they have so much trouble with the idea of moving on and can’t embrace who I am. I mean I’m still their child, just their daughter now...”

“I’m sorry you had to go through that and still have to deal with their shit… Are they going to the wedding?”

His question, the way he’d asked it, spoke volumes. He was likely asking because he wasn’t looking forward to seeing them again, which was understandable, they were kind of an odd lot to be around. Guess that’s part of why I felt more accepted in his house than my own when I was younger.

“They RSVP’d that they weren’t able to make it according to Jen. Takes the pressure off of me I guess,” I answered, and then thought to ask, “How’d you know where I lived?”

“Jen told me.”

“Figures,” I said smiling. “Ah… So, why is it you are here?”

“I’ve been informed I’m your ‘plus-one’, and since I’m part of the bride’s family your status as a ‘guest’ has been elevated – lucky you, right? I’m supposed to fetch you for the rehearsal dinner tonight,” he got out, barely, before laughing that easy laugh I remembered from when we were kids.

“Did you just say ‘fetch’ me?”

“Blame my mom for that,” he said smiling. “Are you ready to go?”

I looked at him stunned and tried to figure out if he was joking or not – he wasn’t!

“No! I… I wasn’t expecting to go to the rehearsal tonight! I need to change clothes, do something with my hair, and…,” I stopped speaking when he began to approach me, his look softer now, radiating calm.

“It’s casual, I’ve been assured of that – look at what I’m wearing. And you’re probably overdressed as it is,” he said taking both my hands and making me wonder why he looked like he was going to ask me something serious. “Only question is whether you want to drive or we take the truck out there…”

OMG! He could be such a freaking goof-ball!

[ Missing Details ]
Going to the rehearsal as I was dressed when he’d stopped by to get me wasn’t an option, though Ryan had made a valiant attempt at trying to change my mind. Luckily, he’d shown up early enough that I had time to plan out an appropriate outfit – though some advanced notice sure would have been nice, Jen! I appreciated he was a good sport about letting me try on a couple different pairs of heels with what I’d decided to wear tonight.

What he didn’t know was I was actually trying to gauge the pair I’d end up wearing to the wedding tomorrow. The good news – the three-inch heels I wanted to wear were going to work out perfectly! This girl was STOKED!

We ended up taking my car, I drove, though I did have him move the big-rig into my driveway after making him promise me it wouldn’t worsen the cracks in my already failing driveway. I’m sure my neighbors and any Amazon trucks delivering on this street appreciated that consideration. His truck made my house look smaller from the street for whatever reason.

At the church, fashionably late by ten minutes or so, we walked into the vestibule laughing about a couple of clueless teachers we had back in high school who were having an affair they thought no one knew about. The looks directed at us from the group gathered around Jen and David by the altar suggested that our entry was a bit loud and silly for a church! After we joined the group in the Nave there was the obligatory ‘meet Ryan’ procession that seemed called for since, well – it was the missing son had finally returned! That formality was spearheaded by his mom; with the afterthought of me being introduced as a long time friend of Jen’s and Ryan’s plus-one for the wedding.

Not awkward at all! Thank you for that, Mrs. Baxter!

After that detour Ryan and I sat a few rows back from all the rehearsal commotion and tried to quietly watch how this show was going to unfold tomorrow. There was of course commentary he couldn’t resist making and silly questions only a guy with no clue about wedding ceremonies would ask. Both those things combined to make it tough to suppress giggles throughout the walkthrough. Luckily everyone was more focused on the process and we were mostly ignored as being a part of the background.

I did take pictures I’d send Jen later, including a selfie of Ryan and I that I really liked and thought would be a great memory of us getting to hang out a little this weekend. Ryan did play the concerned brother role as expected, asking plenty of questions about David, what I thought of their relationship, his being able to provide, and where they were going for the honeymoon. I was sure by the end of my gushing about them he knew I thought they were the real-deal and were destined to last a lifetime.

Ryan had gone to use the restroom and Jen’s dad had looked my way, smiled and rolled his eyes while nodding at his wife. I had to look away or I’d have busted out laughing. His doing that reminded me of the countless times I’d see him do that in their house, him making faces at Jen’s mom when she was nagging him or insisting on some point she was trying to make he didn’t agree with. It also reminded me, for whatever reason, that in my own home there wasn’t much laughter I’d shared with my parents.

When the rehearsal was over Ryan’s dad had asked to have a word with him – which definitely looked intense from where I was standing in the vestibule waiting. They were both trying to keep their voices down and struggled to make it look as though they weren’t trying to make heated points about something to one another. In the end, Jen’s mom broke up whatever that meeting of the minds was since we were the last to leave the church and she didn’t want us to be late to dinner.

In the car on the way to the rehearsal dinner I’d asked about what they were talking about and Ryan had said it was nothing. I spent most of the drive talking about my job, lack of dating life and a little about why, and because I wanted to help him out had tried a number of times to get him talking about the issue he was having with his dad. He finally told me he didn’t want to talk about it. He’d been polite about it, but that didn’t mean I felt good about him being at odds with his dad or not wanting to talk with me.

With no real insight into what was going on I had to wonder if his dad had said something about him not drinking tonight. That thought only bubbled to the surface while at the restaurant it sure seemed that Jen’s mom was watching Ryan a little too closely around the wine and beer that was being served. When Jen’s dad did a pseudo speech / toast thing about her and David’s relationship progression and what being a ‘family’ meant, it felt like a jab at Ryan to me – though no one else seemed to make that connection given the dreamy looks, laughs, and smiles on everyone’s faces during most of that speech.

Sitting here listening to Jen’s dad talk about the meaning of family reminded me of the first time I’d presented as Stephanie at their house in front of them. I was shocked they allowed me to do that, even with Jen being the driver of that opportunity. I felt grateful for that freedom, to be myself in a safe and supportive environment, with a family I cherished most days more than my own. I had glanced at Ryan a few times during his dad’s speech and could see he wasn’t amused and seemed to be struggling to keep his emotions in check. I wanted so badly to hug him, but couldn’t work up the nerve to do that.

When Jen and David started making the rounds to thank everyone for being here tonight Ryan leaned in to me and whispered, “You seem really tense… Look, let’s put on smiles, relax a little, and try spare Jen any stress.”

“You’re the one that looks stressed, I’m just worried that something bigger is going on with you and your dad,” I said in reply, though close to his ear, smiling so that if anyone was wondering it wouldn’t look like I was stressed.

“It’s nothing that’ll be solved this weekend. Jen’s sake let’s keep up with the smiles, okay?” he said a little firmer than I’d expected.

I got hugs from both Jen and David, Ryan got a long one and some words from Jen whispered in his ear. It was heartwarming to see them together, connecting, after so many years of his being out of the picture. No sooner had the couple moved on to the next set of invitees Ryan had taken my hand and I was willingly following him out of the restaurant. There were no goodbyes to his parents or anyone else, just his desire to be out of there and I felt like his luggage.

When we were in the parking lot he slowed to a stop and let go of my hand.

“I’m really sorry about tonight,” he said softly, though I could tell he was annoyed.

“I’m sorry too, I can see whatever is going on between you and your dad really is weighing on you. I wish I could help you somehow but I don’t know what’s going on and I feel helpless, sad really… Your dad always seems so reasonable, especially in the way he’s treated me since we were kids.”

“That’s part of the problem; he’s not reasonable, he’s full of shit and has been acting all this time for Jen’s sake…”

I hadn’t expected the force he’d shot that at me and that I’d somehow missed some hidden family dynamic that should have been obvious given as much time as I spent around his family.

I couldn’t mask my hurt and asked him, “What hell does that mean?!”

::: --- :::

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Thanks for reading...

Rachel M. Moore