I got a visit from my old friends, Pain and Panic today.

Its funny how often they travel together.

I damaged my car this morning, I was in serious pain all day and feeling sick to my stomach so I couldnt take anything, the pain set off my PTSD, so I spent most of the day fighting panic attacks ..

Sighs ... just another day ...

huggles appreciated, folks.

You remember all that fighting I went through to get my drugs covered by my work even though that had been promised from the day I was hired, and they finally told me they got it fixed?

Well, I tried it out today, and my wonderful drug plan saved me a grand total of under 2 dollars on a 45 dollar refill of my estrogen gel.

Can I pull my hair out now?

Well, I have some good news to share.

First, my mom bought me some new shoes, and they seem to be helping me walk a little better.

This will really help put less strain on my knees and hips, so that's a yay.

The other bit of good news is my doctor has arranged for me to see a specialist in January about the pain in my privates, so hopefully, I might get some answers as to why I often hurt there.

Disney has released a new animated movie, and one of the characters in it is Maui, who is a trickster (demi) god.

When I read that, it got me thinking how common the idea of the trickster is. Almost every mythology around the world seems to have a character who could be called a trickster, whether its Maui, or Loki, or Annasi (trickster spider from Africa, who was so clever he often tricked himself).

I wonder what that says of us as a species, that we love the idea of a trickster so much?

I had a super crappy day. So much so, that I am gonna ask for something I don't like to ask for.

I'm asking for compliments.

Anybody?

When I was in Jr. High, I thought the way to get popular would be by taking part in sport, so I signed up for a long distance race that would have my school competing against other schools in the city.

A week before the race, I broke my wrist, but I decided to run anyway.

It didn't go well.

In fact, I finished last. so far behind that several of the other runners lapped me.

On Monday, I got to participate in an interesting study on speech.

They put sensors on my body, and recorded me talking about a video, and what they created on the computer looks like a stick figure with my voice.

They plan to show this to people, asking them if they can determine if I am male or female based on my voice and the movements of the stick figure.

When they get their information, they plan to use it to help trans women pass better in terms of their speech and body movements.

I am very frustrated. After a pretty good day with only mild pain, I was heading home when I got a flashback while driving. Thankfully, I was able to keep control enough to make it home without getting into an accident, but it still bothers me that even after 6 years of working on this, I am still vulnerable to flashbacks without any obvious triggers.

Sighs ...

In honor of Remembrance day, here is "In Flanders Fields",

IN FLANDERS FIELDS POEM
The World’s Most Famous WAR MEMORIAL POEM
By Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place: and in the sky
The larks still bravely singing fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the dead: Short days ago,
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved: and now we lie
In Flanders fields!

Another pain filled day, and I discovered I really walk funny. My right foot sometimes goes from side to side rather than say back to front or front to back, and when that's not happening my right leg is going in some completely other direction than my left one.

To make things even more stressful, I came home to discover my dog is limping quite badly too.

I have had a stressful week.

Issues regarding family (I cant go into details) have caused a great amount of sadness (and stress), Sharon has apparently injured herself and is currently not able to work, and two different news articles have really brought me down.

I have a question.

You know those symbols for male and female?

The ones that look like a circle with a cross below it (female) or a circle with an arrow pointing up at an angle (male)?

Does anybody know what they are actually called?

I'm just sitting here, having realized that if I hadn't sabotaged myself, I might have had totally transitioned by now.

By delaying my name change, I cost myself more than $ 4,000 which would have come in handy for paying off my car and putting myself in a position where even if i wasn't able to work for months after surgery I'd still be above water.

Ever manage to have a really good moment and a really bad one at the same time?

I managed that today.

I was doing my rounds, when I suddenly realized I couldnt see the keys I use on the job.

I panicked, and left my cart and ran to the men's bathroom, which was the last place I remembered using the keys.

I went inside, and a guy standing at the sink said, "Ma'am, I think you're in the wrong bathroom."

I turned interesting shades of red, retreated, and checked my cart again while waiting for the bathroom to be clear.