Just wanted to give a public thank you to Erica-Jane and all the people on the BC chat who helped pull me out of my down. And to everyone who sent me a message of support when I needed it.

You guys are amazing.

Huggles to all!

I feel a lot like Frodo did at near the end of "The Lord of the Rings" when he said, "I have been wounded by bite, sting, knife, and a long burden. Where shall I find rest?"

Well, its TG day of remembrance today.

So if you cant go to a service, take a moment and think about those we have lost this year. The murdered, and those who took their own life because they saw no hope.

My thoughts and prayers are with all of us today.

I got a phone call from one of the ladies at my church yesterday.

I've missed the last couple of weeks, and since the last time she saw me I was in a lot of pain and struggling with flashbacks, she was very worried about me.

So I made her a promise, that should I start to feel like harming myself, I would call her first.

Just letting everybody know that I will be dog sitting starting tomorrow till Saturday, and i might not be on much or at all.

So everybody be good and take care of yourselves while I'm gone, okay?

It was a little hard to come up with a third thing I like about me, but since I managed, I will continue my list;

I like that I believe I have made a small difference for tans people with my lecture, and with my openness online.

I think by sharing my story, my struggles, I have helped a few people understand what it means to be trans, and encouraged them to be compassionate to those who have this struggle.

It may be only a tiny ripple in the pond, but who knows where that ripple will spread to, and that's not nothing.

One thing about me I'm happy with is the fact that I refuse to live in a bubble.

I have friends who have different viewpoints on religion, politics, and just about everything else. I read and listen to news sources from both the left and the right.

I think its a healthy thing, to be able to consider different views on things. Sometimes, I've even changed my mind or at least thought "that was a good point".

I'm not saying this to brag. Anybody can do this, if they want to.

Every once in a while, the things I want to talk about in this blog are hard for me to actually get out.

Sometimes, its because they are from a dark place, sometimes, they are embarrassing, and sometimes, I just dont feel like I have the words.

Today's blog is a little of all of the above, but let me try anyway.

I was laying on my couch, watching tv, when a commercial for a product to help men get an erection came on. It was one of those where an older couple is doing stuff together, then they begin to PDA, and the announcer tells how good the med is.

Well, tomorrow I get a physical and I am super anxious about it. Last year after my exam I came home shaking and crying, and I am already pretty shaky as it is.

If you could spare a prayer or a hug or both, that would be nice ...

Kinda a bad news/good news deal.

First the bad news.

Read the wrong story here, and since have been paying for it with flashbacks.

Good news is I have an appointment Oct. 31 to speak to a doctor at the Leduc Mental health clinic, so help may be on the way ...

I learned something last weekend.

On Saturday, my brother and sister in law came over, and hung up some more pictures for us.

They had found some pictures of my mom at her wedding to my dad, and some ones of my dad with us as kids, as well as many more.

One of the pictures they found was of my graduation, which prompted a conversation about my grad dance. I had gone without a date, but thanks to two friends, I walked out of the dance with a pretty girl on each arm.

you ever feel something and not know you are feeling it?

I did today.

I went to group therapy, and as I talked about what was going on, with tears running down my face, the facilitator stopped me and said that I sounded angry.

Up until that moment, I didnt realize that was what I was feeling.

I was angry. Mostly at myself, for my poor decisions that have hurt me and those who care about me, but angry, nevertheless.

Then on my way home, I had a bit of a PTSD moment, just to add to my fun for the day ...

Ah, well.

Well, it was an interesting night last night.

First, I started the night with a big I hate my boy bits moment, but before things could go too bad, my boss made a point of encouraging me and telling me I am awesome.

This proves a point I've made before - even a small act of kindness can make a huge difference for the person receiving it.

Second, I got some good news on the therapy front. I was contacted by a therapist, and he recommended I go to the Leduc hospital, as they apparently have a mental health unit that does free counseling.

I made a mistake in my story with the name of Lady Astarte. Its fixed now, thanks to those who PMed me

Well, I went to the hospital today, but I didnt get a full visit with my doctor, but I was able to get an appointment with him for tomorrow morning. He said very likely they will increase the dosage on my anti depressants, in the hope that will also help with my PTSD attacks.