not a good night last night.

Had a really bad PTSD attack, and at the end of the night I was in a lot of pain.

Then I found out I didnt get the job I applied for.

sighs ...

Well, I had the kind of day that reminds me of why its worth it to skip sleep and go to church on Sundays.

Not long after I arrived at the church, my knee decided to start hurting like crazy, which set off my PTSD. So one of the ladies went and got me some painkiller, sat me down in a comfortable chair, and held me for almost a half hour, stroking my hair and telling me I was safe.

I am very grateful for her, and for all the people there who tried to comfort me today.

Is it time for Alberta to ditch the Catholic School Board?

That is the question that is being asked in the wake of a horrible display of immaturity by the Edmonton Catholic School Board Trustees at a meeting on Tuesday about how best to accommodate trans students. Supposed adults elected to the board yelled over each other, called each other names, and said horrible things about trans kids.

So now, we can hope that in the cold light of day people take some responsibility, show some maturity, and try a little kindness towards trans kids.

My depression is a liar.

Here are just a few of the lies it tells me.

1) I am a failure. - This is the one that hits me most often. My depression is always ready with a list of my failures, when the truth is as long as I am still trying, I havent failed yet.

2) The darkness is permanent. - When I in that state, its hard to remember there is always light ahead.

3) I am helpless. - Very much not true. I can do many things to help myself

I know that today is a day to remember sadness, but just for a moment I would like to focus on some of the good things that happened 14 years ago today.

First, the bravery.

The firefighters who ran into a doomed building, the police who tried to get civilians to safety, the passengers of the 4th plane who attempted to re-take it and prevented it from hitting its target, there were a lot of people who were very brave that day.

Secondly, the kindness.

In a really bad place emotionally and spiritually.

Prayers and good vibes appreciated.

Okay, here is a bit of a giggle for you all.

When I got my tire replaced, I was told I would have to come back in to get something done after 50 k or so, so when I woke up this afternoon I phoned about making an appointment.

Now, because I had to sign legal stuff, I was using my male name when talking with the guy.

Except that when he was talking to me on the phone, he called me ma'am.

Apparently, my voice is feminine enough that he ... slipped up, as it were.

Not that I mind ...

Giggles.

Well, I am back connected again!

(Does a happy dance)

There have been a lot of cases of sexual assault in the news lately, and as a result I've been hearing a lot about ''closure". In most cases, its referred to in relation to whether or not an abuser can be charged with a crime.

Sadly, that's not an option for me, so the question becomes, can I still get "closure" if I cant watch my abuser be locked up for his crime?

I think I can.

Doing what I'm doing now, slowly healing, becoming stronger, getting support from my many friends, praying and writing and living my life.

That's my plan, at any rate.

Just so nobody worries, I wont be around much the next while, between packing, moving, and (hopefully) hooking up in the new place.

Take care of each other, and take care of yourselves.

And have some huggles to give you warm fuzzy thoughts till I get back!

HUGGLES!

Well, yesterday I got berated for an hour by my aunt saying I neglected my grandmother and now I'm killing my mother.

I think my aunt's comments hit me harder than I realized. I struggled all night at work with feeling worthless, feeling like the world would be better off without me.

I am seriously considering going to the hospital to get my hip checked out.

It used to just hurt near the end of my shift at work, but I woke this morning in terrible pain and I didn't even work last night.

Had another tough day yesterday. Didn't sleep well, and then my aunt phoned me and yelled at me, saying I was the reason my mom was gonna be homeless, that she's bankrupt because of helping me and my ex, and so on.

Sighs ...

I am really worried about my mom.

She's panicking over having to move, she's not sleeping well, and has been very forgetful and doing stuff without thinking.

Yesterday I came across the stopper for the bathroom sink in the fridge, for no reason.

All prayers and good wishes are appreciated

Got some super bad news today. My landlord must sell this place, which means we'll be moving soon. Thanks to that bit of news, I also didnt get sleep today, so tonight at work is gonna suck.

Ah, well.