Those of you who have read chapter one of Night Entries can see this is not easy stuff for me to re-live. I can only assure you all that there will be some nice moments, but we have to get through the dark stuff first. Keep holding on to me, we'll all get through it together....

Well, last night as I drove to work, I got hit with inspiration for a new story. Of course, that means my current projects will have to wait, but ah, well.

For those who care about such things, I added a little epilog to the end of "The Verdict of the Phoenix". What's been added doesn't change what went before, but just adds a bit. Thanks to all who have commented.

You know, soon I should stop being surprised I pass. For example, I went to my local mall to print a couple of my stories out at the library (My personal printer has decided to commit suicide). After I was done that, I went to the food court and grabbed a taco salad (I'm slowly teaching my body to enjoy healthy food). A couple of old ladies came up as I was finishing, and asked me for the time, so I got to flash my new watch. Then, when I got home, a young boy asked me to look our front garden for a ball. As far as I could tell, they saw nothing even slightly unusual about me.

Well, last night was a quiet one at work. I don't mean we weren't busy, because we were very busy. But because the people I normally talk with during breaks weren't there, and I ended up feeling rather lonely and isolated. Ah, well.

And her favorite way of dealing with stress tends to be by giving stress to someone else. For example, when my mother woke me up in a panic shortly after I had gotten asleep yesterday to ask me what to do about the dog, and I suggested a vet and went back to bed, Apparently I was supposed to go with her, despite needing my sleep for my night shift. This led her to say there isnt much feminine about me, either now or in the past. Somehow the fact that I held down a job as a nurse's aid for 10 years doesnt count. Ah, well

Well, I think my hair has become the ideal symbol for my in-between gender status. See, I wear a wig when I go out as Dorothy, (although, sometimes, at work, I sweat enough under it to wish I didn't have to) so I don't pay a lot of attention to my natural hair. But, sometimes, I do have to deal with it, as I simply cant seem to manage long (natural) hair, and it ends up looking horrible. But then there comes the quandary - what kind of style and cut should I get? I really hate having a super masculine cut, but can I pull off a more androgynous look around the ex?

Well, I'm lucky to be among the non-injured. Yesterday, when I was driving home from my work, I started to have trouble staying awake, and came dangerously close to having an accident. Next time, I pull over and have a rest ....

A while ago, I wrote a poem by that name (here is a link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/18355/hit-brick-wall-r... ) Well, right now that's close to how I feel. I think I'm psyching myself up for a charge at that wall, and its going to hurt But I simply don't know what else to do. When I first became honest with myself, and then came out to my family, I felt better. When I got a job as Dorothy I felt much better, and I think I kidded myself into believing I could stay like this - half in each gender. But I can't, not for long.

Had a rough night, filled with memories of humiliation and despair. The worst thing about those moments is the sense of arousal that often accompanies them. There is some part of me that has learned to enjoy the idea of being used and degraded. I wonder if I'll ever be truly free of it ....

If you have asked yourself this question, and even if you havent, here is what may be coming soon from me:

A couple of ret-con projects, both going about the speed of molasses in January....

A fan-fic taking place in the universe of a TV show popular enough to make me intimidated in terms of not wishing to alienate anyone who enjoyed the series .....

A quiet little story that starts with a quiet little conversation in a park and keeps threatening to take a detour into the Twilight Zone .....

Well, last night before I went to work, I was talking to a friend on IMVU, and she said I'm her hero and idol. Somehow, I find that somewhat frightening ....

Well, sometimes, I'm not smart. I just read the latest chapter of "Ride Home", and now I'm in tears dealing with the emotions it stirred up. I should know better by now.

Well, my next story is almost ready. Because it is a sequel to Randalynn’s story, "Surprise!" I've sent a copy to her first. If she signs off, the story will be published.

Had a good, if tiring day. We drove to Calgary (about a 3 and half hour trip), and went to the Calgary Zoo. We walked around until my mom and I couldn't walk anymore, and then drove home. I'll sleep well tonight.

Well, my blog entry disappeared. Must have offended somebody. Ah, well. PM me if you want to know what it said.

Edmonton isn't known for summer storms, but they do happen, and we had a doozy last night. I was at work, and was working just outside the garden center, when small bits of hail began to fall inside! I moved a couple of pallets out in case they got damaged, and had just completed this little project when the skies opened of, and the roof decided to not do its job. It was like watching a waterfall from behind as the water rushed down into the garden center for at least a half hour straight. I bet they had fun cleaning it up today ....

Well, I managed to wear myself out yesterday/ Took my daughter to a local pool. They have not only a wave pool, but they have this section that's set up like a rapid, and I think we broke a record for how many times we went around on it. Other than not being allowed to show any signs of my progress toward womanhood, it was a good day.