Becoming Robin By Zoe Taylor Heart to Heart -/- Guilt by Association   I moved closer, trying to be quiet, but she looked up as I approached anyway, forcing a smile. I knew this would be bad news. “That was Kelly,” she began, and stood to wrap her arms around me. “What’s wrong?” I asked her. I really did not want to know the answer to this question.

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I walked with Nicole and Allison back downstairs, Kelly meeting us at the bottom.

“Everything okay girls?” she asked, setting her gaze on Nicole. Apparently they hadn’t gotten along too well in the past, though her gaze seemed to soften as she realized Nicole had been crying.

Allison chimed in before Nicole could respond, “Great! Nikki finally agreed to a sleepover thanks to Robin.”

“Really? Don’t tell me your gloom cookie days are behind you?” She gave Nicole a playful smile.

“Hey, one step at a time, Princess,” she retorted, but returned the smile nonetheless.

“Robin, can I talk to you for a second?” Kelly turned her attention to me. I nodded, glancing at the other two who gave me a kind of ‘Are you in trouble? Good luck!’ smile in unison, quickly making themselves scarce. I sat down on the stairs, with Kelly sitting beside me a moment later.

“What’s up?” I said with a little more confidence in my tone than I had intended, but something about helping a total stranger feel a little better about being dumped just made my day seem a little brighter too.

“You’re certainly in a good mood. Excited about the sleepover I take it?”

“Yeah, I’ve never been to a real sleepover before. Plus Nikki seems really nice.”

She laughed, “Yeah, she’s okay. We’ve butted heads in the past, but when the chips are down I know she has Ally’s back. Don’t tell her I said that though. It might ruin my tough big sister image.” She winked, giving a playful nudge with her shoulder, then continued.

“So are you okay?”

“You mean about Dr. Rosen, or Mom?”

She nodded quietly, but didn’t specify which. “The weirdest part is I actually stood up to him at all. I’m usually really timid, but when he started slamming my family, it was all I could stand. I told him right off, and stormed out of his office.”

Kelly smiled as she hugged me. “I’m proud of you. I know your mom would be too.”

Oh, crap. How was I ever going to explain all this to her? My face fell, and Kelly enveloped me another warm hug.

“I’m sorry Robin. I didn’t mean to make you feel worse. I’m worried about her too, but as soon as I hear something you and Margie will be the first to know, I promise.”

I shook my head. “It’s not that, Kelly. I mean, it’s not just that. How… am I going to explain all this to her when she wakes up?”

“Oh, honey, your mom loves you, and you’re her only child. If anything you’ll probably be a lot closer after this.” She seemed so certain, so absolutely right in those words that I had to ask.

I hadn’t heard the front door slide open, nor did I hear Nicole’s boots on the hardwood. I was so lost in our conversation that the rest of the world just didn’t matter right then.

“How can you be so sure?”

She just smiled, stroking my hair slowly. I leaned a little closer, and put my head on her shoulder. I found that since becoming Robin, or I should say, since I stopped pretending to be Robert, I could be closer to people physically like I’d always wanted to be, without them acting awkward or uneasy about it. I loved it.

“Because that’s how it was with my mom. We were never all that close. I constantly stayed in trouble at school, always fighting, and torturing poor Ally, then when I was expelled for hospitalizing another student that was the last straw.

“Dad wanted to send me off to military school, but I knew what they’d do to someone like me there. Allison probably told you all this, but there’s more.

“After I was allowed to transition, to start living as Kelly, it was like night and day. Everything felt so…” She hesitated, and I smiled, answering.

“So right?”

“Exactly! The first time Mom took me shopping as her eldest daughter was one of the happiest days of my life, as goofy as that sounds.”

I smiled at that thought. Shopping with Margie was incredibly fun, and Mom and I were always kind of close, so it made sense.

“Feel better now?” She asked, in a calm tone. I nodded and smiled a little.

“A little. Thanks, Kelly. I really owe you. You want to come to our slumber party tonight?”

She laughed. “I might watch a movie with you girls, but I don’t want to impose too much. This is your night.” She smiled as she hugged me. She stood and offered her hand to pull me up.

“Could you do me a big favor and let Margie know? I’ve got to go over and talk to Ally about tonight!” I said with no small amount of excitement. Tonight was going to be a night to remember for all of us. Just us girls!

“Sure thing,” she responded and headed off into the kitchen. I rounded the corner around the stairs, and almost literally ran into Nicole

“Oh, jeeze, you startled me!” I paused, “Umm…”

“Sorry, Robin. I didn’t mean to hear anything.”

“But?”

She held up her hands. “Hey, it’s none of my business. Listen, Ally wanted to know if you mind if she invites another friend of ours.” She paused, awkwardly adding a moment later, “And I wanted to thank you again for being so sweet, too. Still dunno how you knew something was bothering me. Even Ally didn’t realize it.”

“I guess sometimes it just takes an outside perspective,” I offered as I smiled at her, continuing, “And as for your friend, I don’t mind at all. I just figured this would be something fun to kind of take both our minds off our problems and just be silly girls for one night, you know?”

I didn’t know why I felt so nervous talking to Nicole, especially alone like this. I’d spent the last couple of days almost non-stop with Allison. The way Nicole’s hair shimmered in the ambient light though, that cute half-smile of hers, and those gorgeous brown eyes, to say nothing of her accent.

Oh God, was I falling for my best friend’s best friend?

“Right... Well, listen, there’s actually something else that’s bothering me. It’s been bothering me for awhile now, and I think Jason dumping me just kind of made me have to face it.” This time she played the role of the nervous one.

“Ally says I can trust you, and I believe her,” she trailed off, stepping around to sit on the bottom of the stairs where Kelly and I had just been sitting earlier.

“So, okay, here goes. I need to talk to someone and just get this out of my system before tonight. You don’t have to say anything about it specifically. I just need you to listen, and tell me if you think I should tell Ally, okay?” she rambled. Whatever it was, it had to be bothering her pretty badly.

I moved around beside her, placing my hand on her shoulder as I sat facing her. “Whatever it is, you can trust me, Nikki. Besides, Ally has enough dirt on me just in the few days I’ve been here that she could ruin me if she wanted.” I tried to offer a reassuring smile, but it probably came across more awkward than anything.

Nicole turned her full attention to me. “You really like her don’t you?” She asked.

“Not ‘like her’ like her, but I like her. She’s the first person who’s tried to get to know the real me in, like, ever.”

“See, that’s why I’m afraid of losing her!” Nicole blurted. I swear I thought she might be blushing, but she turned away before I could be sure.

“What do you mean?”

“Robin, I … I think I’m a lesbian.” Her voice cracked, and her hands had begun to shake. “I never wanted to sleep over because I was scared how I’d react if I like, saw her undressing or something.”

“But you had a boyfriend?” I asked, confused. I wasn’t trying to be rude. I was genuinely curious. She laughed dryly.

“Yeah, operative word being ‘had’. It felt forced though. More and more I’ve been wrestling with these weird feelings toward girls. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’m a sex fiend or anything.” She added with a nervous laugh. “S’just, I dunno. I don’t want things to change, y’know?”

“Nikki, why are you telling me all this?” I asked in as gentle a tone as I could manage. I wanted to help her, but this all seemed like a lot to just blurt out to someone she’d only just met, even if Ally had vouched for me.

Then again, that’s all I’d been doing lately. Maybe it was normal for girls? She tilted her head and smiled at me.

“Like I said, I didn’t mean to overhear anything, but… I did hear you talking to Kelly about your mom accepting you, and Ally said you used to be a total tomboy. You said that nobody accepted you before too, so I put two and two together, and guessed you were going through the same thing I am. You’re into girls too, aren’t you?”

I blushed brightly, which elicited a relieved chuckle from her. “Does Ally know? How did you break it to her?”

“Um, I don’t know how to tell you this, but you’re only half right. I didn’t tell Ally at first, and the guilt that resulted from that gnawed at me all day, and probably could’ve gotten me killed if the search and rescue people hadn’t found me, so,” I paused, taking a breath, “I’m just going to go ahead and tell you everything.

“If, after I’ve finished, you don’t want to sleep over tonight, or if you just want to sleep over at Ally’s without me there, believe me, I’ll understand.”

She gave me a puzzled look, but nodded. “Okay; it’d be a kind of arrogant of me to want something like that, but now you’ve got my undivided attention.”

I spent the next several minutes explaining everything that had happened over the past few days. When I finished, she shook her head slowly.

“I’m sorry Robin, but I just don’t see it. The voice, maybe, MAYBE could be a guy’s, but the WAY you talk, move, and even act, you’re a hundred percent girl.”

“What makes you say that?” I asked.

That turned out to be a loaded question because she immediately leaned over, pressing her lips softly against mine, and rested her head on my shoulder afterwards, “Because I’ve wanted to do that from the moment I saw you.”

I blinked, several times. As quickly as it began, it had ended, but I could still feel the tingle of her kiss afterwards. Andrea never let me kiss her, except on her cheek once, and no girl had actively wanted to kiss me.

As the euphoric shock slowly waned, I glanced down to see she was actually smiling. I put an arm around her in a comforting, friendly hug. “Better?”

“Much, thanks. Don’t get me wrong. I liked Jason a lot, and I wasn’t lying when I said that being dumped like that cut deep, but I think what hurt worse was not having that psychological shield there of being able to say ‘At least I’m dating a guy so I can’t be a total freak’.” I nuzzled the top of her head with my cheek lightly as I contemplated what she just said.

“Let me ask you something. Would you call me a freak?”

She stared at me with confusion. “No way! I mean, I refuse to believe you’re not a girl, but you’re easy to talk to, and not afraid to look past my biting sarcasm.” She smiled.

“Well, there you go. Just because you’re attracted to girls, doesn’t make you any different otherwise. You wouldn’t feel uncomfortable undressing around me, would you?”

She pondered that one for a moment, then shook her head, “Not really. I mean, you’re really cute, and I’m extremely glad I kissed you,” she giggled as she admitted that, “But it’s not like I’m a nympho or anything.” She paused.

“So what you’re saying is, just because I like girls, doesn’t mean I have to feel like my best friend’s going to be worried about me leering at her?”

“To quote your best friend when I made a similar breakthrough, ‘finally, she’s listening!’” I grinned. Nicole just stuck her tongue out at me, laughing.

After a few moments of decidedly peaceful and for once NOT awkward silence, she put her arms around me in a friendly hug then stood.

“Speaking of, she sent me over here like fifteen minutes ago. She’s probably wondering what we’re doing over here.”

“We could tell her we were kissing, but that would just mess with her head.”

“Yeah, it would.” She grinned impishly. “I like the way your mind works.”

I paused, wondering if she was serious, then chuckled to myself. I decided it best not to ask at this point, and just see where things went. As girls go, I really liked Nicole, and though her kiss had caught me by surprise, I can’t say I’d have been opposed to more of them.

If nothing else she had helped me to answer an earlier question I had wrestled with, as to whether what I felt for Allison is what it means to have a real girl friend to turn to and share a special friendship with. I was definitely infatuated with Nicole, but I also wanted to get to know her better first.

I was shaken from my thoughts by Nicole’s hand suddenly grasping mine. I found myself being dragged along outside, where Allison had just crossed our yards to come look for the two of us.

“There you are! Is everything alright?” She asked with concern, looking between us.

Nicole had by now released my hand at least. She nodded with a bit of a goofy grin on her face, as though a great weight had been lifted off her shoulders. I could definitely empathize.

“Yeah, great. Better than great, actually. It turns out Robin’s really insightful when it comes to solving a personal crisis.” She began.

Allison looked at me with surprise. Not two days ago I was still a bundle of nerves about being read as a boy in a dress, yet now I was giving her friends advice. Allison just smiled, waiting for Nicole to finish her thought.

“So, anyway, Ally, there’s something I need to tell you. Robin?” She glanced back at me, “You coming?”

“Right behind you.”

Carol made tacos for us, and as we sat around the table with Kelly, discussing what we’d need for the slumber party, Nicole abruptly changed the subject.

“Well, now that I actually have some food in my stomach, Ally there’s something I need to tell you. It’s, well,” she trailed off, glancing at me nervously.

“Should I leave?” Kelly offered in a serious tone.

Nicole shook her head, giving Kelly an uncharacteristic-for-her response, “No way. I want you to hear this because you’re partly to blame.” She grinned.

Allison was starting to get concerned, but I shot her a reassuring smile as Nicole continued.

“We’ve known each other for like, the last three years or so. I was a seriously messed up kid back then. Hell, I still am,” she paused to chuckle.

“I sort of overheard Robin and Kelly talking earlier, about Robin’s mom accepting her, and I sort of jumped to the wrong conclusion about her.”

Kelly frowned, but held her comment, apparently giving Nicole the benefit of the doubt for now.

“See, I thought… I thought Robin was coming out to Kelly. I thought she was just into girls, with that whole ‘tomboy’ crack you made earlier, Ally. So I decided to ask her how she told you, and how you reacted.” She lowered her gaze nervously, so I decided to pick up where she left off.

“That’s why we were gone so long. I told her everything, including how unbelievably guilty I felt about not telling you the truth from the start.”

“Nikki? What are you saying?” Allison finally asked. Her tone was equal parts concern and curiosity.

“That the reason I never said ‘yes’ to a slumber party before was because I didn’t know how I’d react if I like, saw you changing or something.” She sighed.

“Robin made me realize though, that just because I have these weird feelings toward girls that I shouldn’t be worried about you being afraid I’d try something.”

Allison immediately stood and walked over to put her arms around Nicole. They were both crying at this point. “Jeeze, Nikki … I thought you of all people would know by now that I don’t care about that stuff.

“I mean, if you wanted to date me, yeah, that would be a little weird, but we could talk it out at least. But I’d never hate you or not want to be friends with you either!”

Kelly and I started to excuse ourselves, but Nicole and Allison each managed to grab one of us by the hand before we got away, pulling us both in for a group hug.

“You know, you and Robin ARE kind of going through the same thing though; different situation, but the same feelings of uncertainty and fear.”

Nicole chuckled a little, “Yeah. There’s just one problem with that though.”

“What’s that?” Allison raised her eyebrows curiously.

“Because Robin IS a girl; I mean, she walks, talks, and acts like a girl, and,” she giggled, “She definitely kisses like one.”

I blushed brightly as Kelly and Allison turned their gazes on me in unison and started giggling.

“I’m only half-joking,” Nicole added. “Technically I kissed her, but what a kiss! Anyhow, now that the mushy stuff’s over, did anybody remember to call Jennifer?” She abruptly changed the subject, granting me momentary relief to compose myself.

Allison nodded, “Unfortunately she had to leave for camp a day early. Apparently she’s like, the only CIT this year. Kind of wonder if it’s because of the incident last year,” she trailed off, biting her lip. “Anyway,” she promptly changed the subject, “Kelly? Can Nikki and Robin borrow your and mom’s sleeping bags?”

‘CIT?’ I thought for a moment, ‘Oh right! Counselor in Training. What incident, though?’

“Of course! Mine’s in my closet, and I think Mom put hers with the old cabin tent if you want to go get them,” she answered, as she stepped away from us to pick up her purse.

Nicole watched her, musing playfully, “And where are you running off to now?”

She laughed, holding up a shopping list, “I wanted it to be a surprise, but since you’re actually being nice today I’ll go ahead and tell you that Margie and I talked it over, and we decided to split the difference and pay for everything you said you needed for your slumber party. I mean, it’s just the three of you anyway, so it’s not that much.”

The three of us ganged up on her with another group hug. Even Nicole seemed so much more at ease than when we first met.

“Thanks Kelly!” Allison squealed, kissing her cheek.

We kicked off our sleepover later that evening with a scary movie marathon, during which Allison brought her overstuffed box of nail polish down to the den. The two of them ganged up on me, stripping off the old polish and repainting my finger and toenails in a pale pink.

I would have my revenge though, as while Allison gave us both facials, I was in charge of Nicole’s nails. Barbie hot pink for the former Gothic beauty!

We were all in our pajamas by seven, I in my new pale blue camisole with matching cotton bottoms and Allison in a knee-length pink nightgown with matched robe.

Nicole surprised the both of us when her mother dropped off a duffle bag containing a fresh change of clothes for the next morning, and more importantly, an adorable lavender silk pajama set; apparently ‘going goth’ only ever stretched as far as her day-to-day wardrobe.

Around nine o’clock we sat on the sofa with a zombie apocalypse movie playing. Allison and Kelly both had a thing for horror movies, not that Nicole or I minded.

I sat in the middle of the sofa with our massive bowl of popcorn in my lap. Nicole sat to my right, curled up with her head on my shoulder, and Allison on my left. Kelly, true to her word, had joined us for an earlier movie then headed back upstairs.

Nicole squeezed my hand briefly and closed her eyes. Allison peeked around me, giggling to herself. She apparently thought Nicole was already asleep.

“So I guess I’m the only one here who likes boys, huh?” She mused, giving me a playful smile as I glanced over.

“Yeah, you’re the only normal one among us,” I offered with a quiet chuckle. She lightly swatted my shoulder.

“I know you don’t mean that, but that’s still not funny. Still, now that I know the whole story, a lot of things make sense. She’s had a hard life on top of it, too. God that must have been so hard on her.”

“I can imagine. I only had to endure that kind of guilt for a day before I broke down and told you. It sounds like she’s been dealing with this for a long time,” I offered.

“Yeah, but you also had a tree to knock some sense into you.” She giggled, then added, “Thank you for inviting her, and for listening. You’re such a wonderful friend. Even if nothing develops between you guys, I’m still just so happy you trust each other as much as I trust you both.”

“You’ve been nothing but kind to me. I guess that’s why I just wanted to pay it forward. I’m not usually very good at being social, but when I saw how she was hurting, something just sort of snapped and…”

About this time, Nicole cleared her throat, “You do realize I’ve heard every word you said, right?” She smiled, wrapping her arms around mine and nestling closer.

“Sorry, Nikki,” Allison replied. “I thought you were asleep. I didn’t mean to talk about you behind your back or anything.”

She laughed, giving a light shrug. “It’s fine. It’s kind of sweet, actually.”

Just as the heroine on the TV screen decapitated a zombie, burying a curved dagger between the eyes of another, I glanced over at Nicole, “So, since you’re awake, can I ask what kind of camp you’re going to? No offense, but you don’t strike me as the Girl Scout type.”

Both girls started laughing.

“I’m going to ignore that crack ‘coz I’m guessing Ally told you she’s a girl scout, and that’s where Jennifer went this year. But no, I’m no girl scout. It’s a rock music camp. I love playing electric bass.

“Me and Ally get together sometimes to jam, but I’d love to take it up a notch, maybe join a band someday.”

Allison nodded, “I enjoy playing the guitar, but my heart’s just not in it the way Nikki’s is.”

“You should go for it, Nikki. If it’s what you enjoy, you shouldn’t let one jerk ruin your whole summer.”

She smiled, looking up at me. “If you’d said that this morning, I’d probably have slapped you; as it is though, I think I agree.

“Thanks for tonight, by the way. Between the sugar-loaded ice cream, Ally’s mom’s kick-butt tacos, and the best bad horror movie marathon ever, I feel a lot better about myself.”

“Me too,” I added, hugging my two friends close to me. For the first time in my life, I had begun to feel I actually belonged, and wanted. I still had a long road ahead, but I at least didn’t have to face it alone. That, in and of itself, was a great victory.

The morning after our impromptu slumber party had come far too soon. We laid awake until well past midnight talking, and just bonding. All good things must come to an end though, they say, and after a hearty breakfast thanks to Allison’s mother and sister, Nicole and I hugged and said our goodbyes.

Nicole made me promise to take care of Allison while she was away, and I thought I heard her make Allison take the same vow as I left to head back over to Margie’s.

The next few days, I began to settle into a routine. Things were finally starting to seem normal, and I had already begun to forget Robert even existed: something I mentioned in my first real therapy session with Doctor Ketz that Tuesday.

She asked me a bunch of questions about how I felt now compared to a month ago today, when school was still in session. With each successive answer, I became more self-aware of one thing.

I was happier than I had ever been, and the thought of forcing myself to “become” Robert again was more and more a distasteful cringe-inducing thought.

We touched briefly on my mother’s condition, but since Kelly hadn’t called with any news, I didn’t find much I wanted to discuss since our last session. I still held to my faith that she’d be okay.

I had also started working out with Allison. It’s not that either of us were overweight (quite the opposite in Allison’s case), but I was horribly out of shape, so starting Monday we went jogging for as long as I could last, which wasn’t long.

I only reached the end of the cul-de-sac before I had to stop and catch my breath the first day, though we did walk quite a bit longer. Luckily for me, I picked up a cute pair of white athletic sneakers with pink trim at the mall that past Saturday!

By this point, I had begun to personalize my room a little. Before there was just a Spartan twin sized bed and white composite nightstand, but I’d dragged the matching dresser and a small table out of Margie’s storage room, using the latter as a makeshift makeup table.

I awoke early Thursday morning, and found I just couldn’t go back to sleep. Nicole would be back from her music camp today, and I couldn’t help wanting very much to see her again.

I slid out of bed and threw on a peach-colored silk robe that totally clashed with my pale blue pajama set, and the matching house slippers, making my way down the stairs.

“Yes, I understand. Thank you for calling.” Margie spoke from the kitchen. Even half asleep, I could tell she sounded upset, so I plodded into the kitchen, leaning in the doorway.

She sat at the kitchen table in her heavy, blue flannel robe with her face in her hands; the cordless phone rested on its side within arm’s reach. The words ‘Dear God’ escaped her lips, more in the beginnings of a prayer than in a curse of exasperation.

I moved closer, trying to be quiet, but she looked up as I approached anyway, forcing a smile. I knew this would be bad news.

“That was Kelly,” she began, and stood to wrap her arms around me.

“What’s wrong?” I asked her. I really did not want to know the answer to this question.

“Linda, your mom … the doctors have been monitoring her condition, and they’re worried that she’s getting worse.” She choked up as she squeezed me closer. “They wanted to know if she has a living will, in case the worst should happen.”

To my credit, I had actually managed to make it most of the week without thinking about anything, giving myself false hope that mom would be okay, and that I should just focus on what I can change, but this was just too much. I broke down, burying myself deeper in my sister’s loving embrace.

“She did,” I sobbed bitterly. “It was the first argument we had in years. She kept insisting that if anything should happen to her that it was important I knew what to do.”

“There is some good news, sweetheart. Linda’s still able to breathe on her own. Kelly says that finding out if she had a living will doesn’t mean they’re going to do anything immediate, but that because of her condition, they want to be prepared.”

“This is just too much!” I cried out. “While she’s stuck in a bed back home I’ve been running around here selfishly pretending I’m someone I’m not. It’s not fair! It’s not fair to her!” I wept.

I felt such an overwhelming guilt. How could I have been so selfish? I hadn’t thought about her much all week other than at bedtime, when I found I missed her most.

Margie didn’t say anything in response at first. For what seemed like an eternity, she just held me so close to her that I thought she might break me, but I held her just as close. Finally she interrupted my quiet sobbing with a gentle suggestion.

“Call Doctor Ketz, sweetheart.” I looked up at her, confused, so she continued, “She gave you her private contact information for emergencies. I’d say this qualifies as an emergency.” She smiled, running one hand over my hair and down my back. I slowly nodded.

She skillfully retrieved the phone without breaking our embrace. “Where did you put the piece of paper she gave you?” She asked in a soft, attempted-motherly tone.

“It’s upstairs in my purse,” I responded. She smiled a little bit at that.

“Good girl. You never know when you’ll need to contact her, and you might not always be here when that happens,” Margie advised as she led me upstairs. It seemed since she couldn’t do anything about the situation with my mother, she was determined to help where she could, with me.

I lifted my purse from the top of my dresser, rooting around for the neatly folded piece of paper Doctor Ketz gave me. After carefully unfolding it I took up the phone, and slowly dialed, sitting on the edge of my bed. Margie sat next to me and put an arm around my waist for moral support.

A sleepy, older male voice answered on the fourth ring, and at first I thought it was Doctor Rosen. “Mm, yes? What is it?” I flinched.

“D-Doctor Ketz please. It’s an emergency.” I tried to sound like I hadn’t been crying, but apparently failed miserably.

The conversation was quick, and muted, but I could still barely make out what he was saying.

“Barbara, emergency for you … Been crying … Sounds important.” He was quick and professional, which would’ve impressed me even more if I’d realized it was four in the morning sooner.

“This is Barbara Ketzowski. Who’s calling please?” she answered gently.

“Doctor Ketz, it’s Robin. Sorry to call you so early like this, b-but Margie says this qualifies as an emergency.” I started to sob again.

“Robin? Can you do me a favor and put your sister on a moment?” I handed the phone to Margie without another word. I was in no shape emotionally to explain everything, so Margie broke the news about my mother, and the reason for the call. When she finished, there was a pause, then she smiled down at me, adding a soft “Yes, of course. Here you are.” She handed the phone back to me.

“H-hello?” I said softly, having by now been able to get myself under some semblance of control again.

“Robin, I want you to do something for me, alright? I want you to take a deep breath, and hold it until I tell you to let it out.”

I inhaled deeply and held it. I waited for her to tell me to breathe out, but silence came from the receiver. I started mumbling incoherently as my lungs began to ache. Finally I could hold it no longer, and I exhaled.

“Why didn’t you tell me I could exhale?” I whined.

“Because breathing is a natural part of living: you can’t tell someone to breathe and expect them to listen, nor can you tell them not to breathe. It’s part of who you are, Robin.” I sat there, stunned absolutely silent.

“Robin,” she continued, “If being Robin is who you feel you need to be, either just for the moment, or for the rest of your life, then you shouldn’t feel guilty about that. You are who you are, and displacing guilt for your mother’s situation will only hurt you. Remember what we talked about Tuesday?”

I nodded, even though I knew she couldn’t see it. It was more a reaffirmation to myself than anything. “About Nikki accepting me as a girl?”

“Yes. She likes you, otherwise she wouldn’t have kissed you. And your friend Allison likes you, else she wouldn’t have been spending so much time with you. You have friends and family who love you for who you are. They’d love you as much if you were Robert, Robin, or an alien from another planet.”

I rather doubted that last one, managing a weak chuckle. I somehow thought that was her intention though, to make me stop and think about the rest of it for a moment.

“But … I’ve never had friends like this before though,” I added softly. It was something I wanted to refresh in both our minds that it was only after ‘becoming’ Robin that things started to change.

“People can sense when you’re not happy with yourself, Robin. We’ll expand on this more this Saturday, but you need to understand that the only thing that’s changed is that you’ve begun to feel better about yourself.

“If last Tuesday was our first meeting, I would have assumed you were a happy, normal fifteen year old girl who was simply developing at a slower rate than her peers and going through a rough time with her mother.

“Between now and Saturday, I want you to think about why you’re happier as Robin. If you start to feel guilty, hold your breath. Understand?”

I chuckled a little. “Yes ma’am. And thank you.”

“You’re very welcome, Robin. It’s why I gave you this number.” She added a moment later, “Is there anything else you want to talk with me about?” She was such a wonderfully caring woman, not unlike how I’d imagine my grandparents might be if they were still alive.

“No ma’am. I’m still upset about Mom, but…”

She interrupted me for the first time since I’ve known her.

“Well, let’s talk about that then. Robin, I’m not just here to help you cope with your feelings about wanting to be a girl. In taking you as a patient, I’m responsible for your overall mental well-being.

“It’s important that you understand that. I’m here for you, not the other way around.” Her tone was reassuring, and not at all authoritative, but at the same time I couldn’t help feeling a little scolded. I think I needed that.

“It’s just … I feel so helpless. Just like a week ago. I couldn’t do anything for her. Nobody can, and now they want to know if she had a living will, and … it’s just all too much,”I sobbed.

“Robin? Sweetheart, take a deep breath. And no, you don’t have to hold it this time. I just want you to take a slow, deep breath, and let it out.” I complied, inhaling and exhaling slowly.

“Now, sometime today when you have a chance, I want you to sit down and I want you to write a letter to your mother. In that letter I want you to tell her exactly how you feel.

“Explain what it is that you want to say to her about who you are, how you feel about her, how much you love her, and anything else you feel needs to be said, then seal it in an envelope. You don’t need to mail it. Just keep it somewhere safe for now.

“You’re feeling helpless right now, and that’s entirely understandable. This way you can at least take some control of the situation. This letter will act as a symbol for you to look at and remind yourself that you love your mother, and that she loves you.”

I nodded, again more as a gesture for myself than anything, “Okay. I’ll do it when I get back from jogging with Allison. Thank you again, Doctor Ketz. I really, really appreciate everything you’ve done for me.”

“You’re very welcome, Robin. Remember, if you need to talk again before Saturday, just call me. This is a difficult time for any teenager, and you have to face it under even worse circumstances. Just remember that you’re never alone. We’re all pulling for you.”

As she hung up the phone, I heard a faint ‘That was…’ from the other end. Her tone was as gentle as when she spoke to me, so I thought no more about it, setting the phone aside.

I hadn’t even realized Margie had left the room. I stood up and stepped into the hall, to the sound of something frying in the kitchen downstairs.

When I reached the bottom step, my nostrils were assaulted by the sweet scent of maple-infused sausage. I followed the heavenly aroma into the kitchen where Margie stood by the electric range. A carton of eggs rested on the nearby countertop. She smiled at me as she realized I had entered.

“Better?” She asked. I nodded.

“Yeah. Doctor Ketz really got my attention with that breathing exercise.” I quietly admitted, as I walked over to her side and pulled a small glass bowl down from the cupboard. Margie offered a wry smile as I cracked two eggs into the bowl, grabbing a fork and scrambling them briskly.

“I’ll bet. I was a little reluctant to let her put you through that, but when she explained what it represented, I decided I’d trust her judgment. She’s right though. If this is genuinely who you want to be, then you shouldn’t fight it.”

“All I know is I feel ‘right’. It’s not like some huge, over-arching ‘Ah hah!’ thing, so much as this subtle… absence of doubt. I feel normal for the first time in years,” I offered meekly as I handed her the bowl of thoroughly mixed eggs.

“What does that say about me?”

“That’s something for you and Doctor Ketz to discuss Saturday, sweetheart.” She offered in as reassuring a tone as she could. I nodded, and left it at that.

There was no question that I was scared, but somehow seeing how happy Kelly was made things slightly less scary, and it’s not as though I had to choose right away either.

I still had a couple of months before school started. Somehow though, I think I had already made my decision. I just had to play by the adults’ rules of engagement in how to proceed.

After a quiet breakfast of sausage, eggs, whole wheat toast, and a tall glass of milk, I went into the living room to watch television while the heavy meal settled in my stomach. Since I was building up endurance to keep pace with Allison in our morning jogs, I needed all the extra energy I could muster.

“Have you thought about taking a summer job?” Margie interrupted my thoughts some time later. There was nothing I particularly felt like watching so I had just turned on one of the always-on news networks.

“Huh?” I responded, looking up at her.

“Well, you know that shopping trip last Saturday was a onetime deal, and I can’t let you dip into your savings every time you want a cute pair of shoes.” She winked at me. “Plus you already have the checking/savings set up. You could have a weekly check deposited straight into that.”

“But where would I find a job? Alpine Springs isn’t exactly huge, and I can’t make you drive me to New Haven every day and keep up with your clothing store too.”

I muted the television. Another young girl had been kidnapped from her home, this time in Georgia. These sorts of news stories always served to turn my stomach. How any human being could be so monstrous was beyond my comprehension.

“Well, they just opened a new mini-mall last month. You’d make a cute sales girl,” she teased.

I blushed intensely. “I’ll think about it.” I finally offered as I glanced back at the TV. “Holy crap, it’s six already? Allison’s got to be waiting for me!”

I practically jumped off the sofa, pausing at the doorway to look back at Margie, who just shook her head and smiled. “Are you sure you don’t want to go with us?”

“I’m sure. I get enough of a workout wrangling employees and mannequins. Sometimes I wish I could replace the former with the latter. At least they’re quiet.” I laughed, and she continued, “You have your cell charged right? And your pepper spray?”

“Yes and yes.” As a boy I never felt the need to carry pepper spray, but that’s in large part to never really going anywhere by myself. Still it was nice to have, plus Allison was with me.

She wasn’t a strong girl by any means, but she’d taken a self-defense class on dealing with bad people last year, though she’d never told me why She did, however, try to get me to at least consider it.

A few minutes later I was back downstairs, dressed in a loose white t-shirt, pink shorts-and-socks, and my running shoes, with the black strap of a sports bra barely visible beyond the collar of my shirt. I didn’t need a sports bra, but it helped with the illusion if anyone saw us.

I also had my hair pulled back in a pink-and-red tie-dyed scrunchie. I bought several in different colors from a lady with a tie-dye stall set up at the mall. I just couldn’t resist.

The last time we were in New Haven I also convinced Margie to take me back to the mall. There were some cute weighted wristbands I’d seen on display in the athletic section of the shoe store, and now that I was jogging with Allison, I figured I could use the extra help.

“Don’t forget this too.” Margie appeared in the hallway, handing me my neon blue sport bottle with the black cap and straw.

“Is there any substance that tastes more rancid than Gatorade?” I joked, as I accepted it.

Margie answered seriously, “Yes, but you’re not allowed near those until you’re 21.” She cracked a smile, and we both laughed, before I turned and stepped out. I had my phone in my fanny pack, drink in one hand and spray in the other.

Allison was already waiting for me, doing some warm-up stretches in our driveway. As I walked over to her, she paused and looked up at me with a smile. I got right into my stretches.

“Morning sunshine,” she offered cheerily.

“Hey,” I said softly. I thought I sounded cheerful enough, but Allison seemed to see right through me.

“Robin? What’s wrong?” I guessed Kelly hadn’t called her, though I’d forgotten about the massive time zone difference as well.

“Kelly called this morning,” I began as I stood up again. “About momma.”

“Oh no.” Allison whispered, instinctively moving to hug me. I hugged her back, speaking softly.

“They wanted to know if she has a living will, as a precaution, in case worse comes to worse.”

“Robin I am so sorry.” She offered, hugging me again. I smiled a little.

“I called Doctor Ketz this morning. I felt like while Mom lay dying on the other side of the country, I was over here being selfish.” Allison frowned, but didn’t interrupt. She seemed to be giving me the benefit of the doubt, so I continued.

“She made me hold my breath.” I said, as I began a series of squats to limber up my knees.

“She what? For how long?” Allison asked.

“She said she’d tell me when to release it, but she never did. I finally exhaled when my lungs started to ache.”

Recognition crossed her features, then a slight smile. “I get it. You can’t feel guilty about doing what comes naturally to you, right?”

I nodded. “It helped a lot. I still don’t know who or even what I am… But I think I know who I want to be. I’m still worried sick about Mom, but not as guilty now.

“Doctor Ketz made me promise to sit down and write a letter to her talking about everything I’m feeling, to give myself at least some control over the situation. I’m going to give it to her when she wakes up, I think.”

Allison nodded. I think she wanted to say something. I’ll never know what it was though because she instead turned and started jogging down the driveway. I stood and moved to catch up with her, changing the subject.

“So, Nikki’s coming back today. Have you heard anything from her?” I asked, trying not to sound like I’d been thinking about her all week.

Allison giggled, “Not yet. I called her house to ask if everything was okay, and apparently the goose forgot her cell phone, and attendees are only allowed one phone call a day which she had to use to phone home and let her parents know how things were going.”

“And she couldn’t borrow someone else’s?” I offered in a teasingly sarcastic tone, still trying to shrug off my emotions. The persistant beasts held on tight.

“Now why didn’t I think of that?” She mused, shaking her head. “Ah well, anyway yeah, she’ll be home today. Just before she left, she made me promise to put you on three-way calling when she called. You made quite an impression on her y’know.”

I blushed. She made quite an impression on me too. By now I was beginning to get winded, so I stopped to catch my breath, squirting some sports drink into the back of my throat. Allison immediately stopped and jogged back to my side.

“Doctor Ketz says Nikki wouldn’t have kissed me if she didn’t like me, and that you wouldn’t be spending so much time with me if you didn’t care.” I finally broke the silence, as we started walking at a brisk pace. It wasn’t jogging, but this way I could at least keep pace.

“She’s right. I mean since you’ve been here, you’ve literally become one of my closest girl friends, and not just because the others aren’t around either. I mean, I’ve never seen Nikki warm up to someone this fast.”

I smiled as we rounded the next block. I thought about mentioning Margie’s suggestion that I get a summer job, but I figured I’d burn that bridge when I came to it. For now I wanted to focus on walking off this latest stress.

“I eventually want to take you and Nikki hiking. It’s not jogging, but the terrain’s more unstable so you still get a good workout. I want to show you some of the forest trails so you don’t get lost again.”

“Thank you, Ally. I felt sooo bad that night, scaring everyone. I should’ve been more aware of my surroundings.”

“Yes, you should have,” she admonished, but smiled, “But I can teach you if you want. Those sleeping bags you and Nikki used are from when we used to go camping as a family, before daddy got promoted and suddenly became so busy,” She trailed off with less drama than the last time she spoke of her father. I could empathize. Mom seemed to be more and more busy this past year.

“Anyway, we should totally go hiking this weekend. We can sing campfire songs and drive Nikki up the wall.” I laughed.

“You two are always finding ways to get each other aren’t you?”

She gave an innocent grin. “Whatever would make you say that?”

“Oh, just a hunch.” I smiled. That ‘I like the way your mind works’ crack the week before certainly had something to do with it. It was cute, though.

When Nikki wasn’t worrying about what Allison might think of her liking girls, she was actually very laid-back. She cared a lot for Allison. and they were as lucky to have each other as friends as I was to have the both of them.

For all the ups and downs that week, I had at least bonded with two wonderful friends, and who knew what the future held?