Becoming Robin By Zoe Taylor The Spirit of Giving -/- Dial 'H' For...   “What do you think about the idea?” “I’m torn,” I offered. “I want to go. I REALLY want to go. I’ve always wanted to go to a summer camp, but as Robert I always figured it would just… as bad an experience as high school’s been, but the idea of going as Robin, making new friends and just being myself sounds amazing.” “But?” “But… I’m only a girl on the inside,” I replied softly.

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“Good afternoon Robin,” Doctor Ketz greeted me warmly as I stepped out of Margie’s black Chevy Cavalier. I immediately closed the ten or so yards of parking lot between us and threw my arms around her.

“Hi Doctor Ketz!” I exclaimed happily. I certainly wasn’t feeling all that happy, but it was so good to see her again after yesterday. I even dressed more conservatively than normal, a fact Doctor Ketz commented on in a roundabout way as we entered the building together.

“I like your outfit,” she commented, “I’ll just need a moment once we get upstairs to take care of some things, then we can get started,” she paused as we stepped onto the elevator.

The mother and child who saw Doctor Rosen chase me into the waiting room the other day were just stepping off. I couldn’t help but offer a wry smile as the woman nodded toward me, eyeing Doctor Ketz. I smiled back at her, and gave the boy a small wave. She smiled at that, and continued on her way as the doors closed.

“You can come on in and wait in my office if you want, dear,” Doctor Ketz broke the silence as we arrived at our designated floor.

I nodded, following her through the waiting area to her now familiar office with Margie in tow, taking my usual seat on the comfy sofa while the good doctor took care of whatever she needed to elsewhere.

“She’s going to be so upset that I didn’t call,” I mumbled as Margie sat down beside me.

“A little, but it’s only because she cares about you,” Margie responded, giving me a reassuring hug. I leaned over and rested my head on her shoulder, closing my eyes.

“Robin, what’s wrong?” I heard Doctor Ketz’ gentle voice in front of me, and slowly opened my eyes.

“It’s kind of hard to talk about. Something happened yesterday.” My quivering tone gave me away far more easily than I wanted. I spent the entire rest of the day yesterday and this morning trying not to think about it.

For the first time since I’ve known her, she genuinely frowned at that, but waited for me to continue.

“Yesterday morning, I went jogging with Ally like usual. We were maybe a half-mile from home when Ally noticed we were being followed by a red minivan.”

Realization washed over her face, and for a moment, I thought she seemed a shade more pale. “Please, continue,” she offered. She set her pencil and notepad aside completely.

“Well, I told her we should turn off on the next side-street to see, and sure enough, the van turned then sped up to drive alongside us. This really creepy guy with messy hair and rough facial hair, like he hadn’t showered or shaved in a few days, rolled the window down and tried to offer us a ride.

“Ally told him no, but he insisted and lurched at us. I screamed ‘She said no!’ at him and we ran for the nearest house.” I was pretty sure I had confused events, but everything happened so fast.

I had begun sobbing at this point as I relived those terrible events. Doctor Ketz quickly grabbed the box of tissues resting on a conveniently placed table close by and offered them to me.

“It’s okay, Robin. You don’t have to say anymore about it if you don’t want. I saw the news reports last night, but I had no idea you were one of the two teenagers the report mentioned. Sweetheart, why didn’t you call when this happened?”

“I was in shock, I guess.” I sobbed quietly as Margie squeezed me close. “I just felt so… so violated. I wanted to call you, but I didn’t want to have to talk about it over the phone.

“I was more scared for Allison though. I mean it was like she couldn’t move fast enough, then when we got to safety at Mr. Harris’ house we both totally lost it. I’ve never been so scared in my life,” I rambled.

She nodded slowly, “That’s completely understandable. It’s interesting that you were more scared for her than for yourself though, if you don’t mind my saying.”

“It’s just… Ally’s a real girl. I know this is going to sound wrong, and I don’t mean it like that, but I figured the worst he could do to me is kill me, but the things he could have done to her while letting her live…” I buried my face in my hands.

“The worst though, the absolute worst, is that I just feel so completely unsafe now. I feel like everyone I see is going to suddenly leap out at me.”

She nodded slowly, “I noticed you dressed more conservatively today, much like when we first met, but more than that you seemed incredibly uneasy when you weren’t right by your sister’s or my side.”

“Yeah, I guess I don’t want to tempt fate,” I half-whined, half-mumbled, by now managing to get my emotions under some semblance of forced control again.

“Robin, this is a traumatic experience for anyone. There are no gender lines when it comes to assault. It’s important to remember that not everyone is out to get you though. The man you identified as Mr. Harris, for example; tell me about him?”

I smiled a little, “He and his wife were so great. He literally took charge of the situation. He ordered us into the living room to call for help while he waited to see if the raggedy guy would press his luck.

“I… I was a little scared when he came back in the room with a gun. His wife mentioned that he had just finished a tour in Iraq though, and somehow that made me feel just a little bit better,” I admitted.

“You trusted him more knowing he was a soldier?”

“Yeah. I mean, having Beth there too kind of made it easier, but in that situation it felt easier for me to trust him as someone who’s used to laying his life on the line for someone else.”

She nodded as she listened. “That’s an important distinction to make. Not everyone in a position of authority can be trusted of course, but the vast majority are people who do these jobs because they want to protect others. Do you think you’ll see him again?”

I bit my lip. “Part of me wants to. I mean, part of me really wants to thank them both for keeping us safe, but I don’t know how I’ll react to seeing him again either, being tied to that whole event like that.

“I guess Allison and I should stop by the next time we go jogging though. Neither of us really feels comfortable with that idea yet so it’ll probably be a few days, though.” I trailed off.

“It would certainly be a nice gesture, I think, and it would be a step in the right direction for both you and Allison to start the healing process. There are other ways you can cope with this as well.

“For example, traveling in a group. There is safety in numbers. I know you probably don't think so right now, but even with just the two of you, you've proven that you're safer together than you or Allison would have been by yourselves.”

I had to pause at that comment. I smiled a little, “Nikki, and maybe Jennifer too: I haven’t actually met Jennifer yet, but I talked to her on the phone briefly and she seems really nice.”

Doctor Ketz smiled, “Another way that you can cope with this incident is through writing. Do you keep a journal?”

I nodded, “I’ve been keeping a diary for a long time now. I was … afraid to write about this, until I started reading my old entries, from when I was still pretending to be Robert. It was some scary stuff. In some ways as scary as what I just went through.”

Doctor Ketz’ eyebrows slowly rose at that last comment. I offered a wry smile.

“Sorry, it’s just that’s how I feel. Maybe it’s just because I’ve been allowed to explore my feelings so deeply, but it’s like the first fifteen years of my life were an act I put on for the benefit of everyone else. That’s actually something I wanted to bring up with you, if that’s alright?”

She nodded, “I was going to suggest you start keeping a diary so you don’t just bottle up your emotions, but it sounds like you and I are on the same wavelength there. Please, do continue.”

“Well, I’ve been thinking about this a lot. Nikki is like totally convinced I’m a girl. I mean, she even asked me out on a date night before last,” I giggled, blushing.

We'd briefly touched on Nicole's budding interest in girls, and the kiss, but I hadn't revealed how I felt about her to Doctor Ketz until now.

I grew silent though, as I pondered how best to verbalize precisely what I felt. “I’m scared, Doctor Ketz. I’m scared of my own body, of the idea that, any day now I’m going to wake up and find that puberty’s decided I’ve had it too easy for too long, and turn me into a six foot, three-hundred pound baritone,” I wanted to cry again. I hadn’t told anyone just how deeply that fear ran until now.

She nodded as Margie squeezed me gently. “That is an understandable fear given your circumstances, though I’m admittedly surprised that you’ve come so far, so fast.

“I’ll tell you what. I’ve told you that I treat cases of gender identity on a case-by-case basis. I’ll make you an appointment to see an endocrinologist, to get you started on a hormone-blocking regimen.

“This will stop you from experiencing puberty any further for now, but it will buy you some time so you can be absolutely sure this is what you want, without having that specter of fear hanging over you. I have a request in return, though.”

I brightened considerably as I exclaimed, “Anything!”

She smiled gently, “I’d like you to see another therapist in order to get a second opinion on your case.”

I stiffened. I trusted Doctor Ketzowski implicitly, but I hadn’t forgotten how Doctor Rosen had treated me, either. She did her best to cull my fears, though.

“Don’t worry, Robin. I have someone very specific in mind. He’s out of town for the weekend, but he will be back by Tuesday if you’d like to meet with him at our usual time.”

I nodded. “That sounds okay.”

“Excellent. Now, tell me, how was your date with Nicole?”

I giggled, a little surprised by that question. “Magical! Absolutely magical; I felt like a princess in a fairytale. Her parents were surprisingly calm about us dating too.

“I mean her mom seemed a little reluctant at first, but after we talked about how it came about, they decided they could trust us to behave ourselves and let us go to dinner alone.

“We ate at this French place and caught a movie after, then at the end of the night she gave me the most incredible goodnight kiss. Don’t get me wrong; neither of us really wants a serious relationship right now, and we’re comfortable with staying friends and just … you know, being really close friends, but we definitely are going to be going out again some time.”

“I’m very pleased to hear things are going well for you two and more so that her parents seem to be taking this well. You are a bright, caring young lady.

“I would be lying if I said I wasn’t concerned about the implications this could have for you both later, but we can cross that bridge when we come to it. The important thing is that you’re both being honest with yourselves and each other.”

I nodded, “Yeah, that’s something Nikki actually commented about at dinner. She told me that it was because she overheard me talking to Kelly about how her relationship with her mom changed post-transition, that she started thinking about her relationship with her parents.

“Well, her adopted parents,” I corrected myself. “She told me she was terrified of losing them and being forced into another foster home if they found out she liked girls, and it just tore her up inside. When she asked me out, she resolved to let them see for themselves how much happier she was being honest with herself.”

I paused briefly, “Oh, that reminds me!” It didn’t remind me, but I knew if I didn’t ask while I had the courage to do so, I never would.

“It’s just a silly idea Ally and her mom had,” I began, “Carol said that she looked at the Girl Scouts camp brochure, and that they don’t technically discriminate against anyone, and Allison says that Jennifer said that they’re worried about not having enough counselor-trainees this year for the second-year counseling program next summer.”

I paused long enough to take a breath. I was bubbling, “So they’d be willing to fudge paperwork to sneak a few extra girls in during the next resident camp session starting next week.”

Doctor Ketz sat patiently as I babbled. When I finished, she looked right at me. When she wanted to hear what I thought of something, she had what I can only describe as a poker face.

I couldn’t read any emotion one way or another in her face at times like this, which was probably her intention. She wanted to know my unbiased thoughts, and that’s exactly what she’d get.

“What do you think about the idea?”

“I’m torn,” I offered. “I want to go. I REALLY want to go. I’ve always wanted to go to a summer camp, but as Robert I always figured it would justas bad an experience as high school’s been, but the idea of going as Robin, making new friends and just being myself sounds amazing.”

“But?”

“But… I’m only a girl on the inside.” I said softly. I shifted my gaze to my sandals, wiggling my pink toenails. I’d need to strip off the varnish and re-paint those tonight. I was so preoccupied with my self-pity that I hadn’t noticed the subtle change in Doctor Ketz’ expression until I looked up again.

Even so, I couldn't describe it. The poker face cracked, and I think it was a positive change.

“What are your specific concerns?”

I turned to Margie, who gave me a reassuring hug, “Tell her what you told me on the drive up here, sweetheart.”

I shifted my gaze back to Doctor Ketz, and inhaled deeply, “I’m afraid if someone found out, that it might ruin some other girl’s experience.”

“How would that ruin someone else’s experience?” She was really good at making me think. I hated it, but at the same time, I loved it.

“Well… There was that big fiasco over the openly gay Boy Scout leader. Parents are rightfully protective of their kids.

“The idea of another girl not getting to come back to camp because they let a transgendered girl attend … I don’t think I could handle that.”

She nodded, leaning forward. She placed her hand gently on my knee, causing me to look up at her, “Robin, you can’t live your life in fear of what might or might not happen.

“If something were to happen, you have adults who are willing to speak up on your behalf. Your sister and I, Allison’s parents, and from what you’ve told me today, Mr. and Mrs. Morgan as well.

“I can’t tell you what you should do, but I can tell you that my granddaughter Meghan is attending again this year, and the first thing she does when she comes home is call to tell us how much fun she had.

“The staff are all professionals that are well-trained, and Counselor training would be an excellent leadership experience for any girl, but especially for someone like you.” I had to stare at her when she finished, wondering for a moment if I should ask what she meant by ‘someone like you’.

I finally rallied my courage, “Like me?” Granted, it came out more timidly than I intended.

She nodded, “Yes. You have a good heart and a good head on your shoulders. You’d make an excellent leader if you gave yourself the chance.

“You are an extraordinary young lady. Camp would also give you and Allison both some time to distance yourselves from yesterday’s incident.”

She raised a good point. I finally, slowly nodded. “Um… Doctor Ketz? How do I proceed with this? I can’t just say ‘Hey, I’m a girl who used to be a boy, and I want to sign up to be a counselor to young girls!’,” I offered wryly.

She chuckled professionally, “No, some discretion is required. Contact the camp staff and request a private meeting, then when you have a time and day, call me so I can be there.”

“But don’t you have other patients?” I asked, concerned.

She replied in a comforting tone, “Yes I do, and I would extend them the same courtesy. I had to reschedule several appointments this morning including yours, so I could assist another patient.

“I’m not at liberty to discuss the details, but understand that we will make it work, if this is what you want.” She smiled, continuing, “Now, is there anything else you’d like to discuss before I send you to see the endocrinologist?”

I shook my head as I stood, “No, that’s all I wanted to talk to you about,” I paused, glancing at the clock on the far wall, “Ohmygosh, I didn’t mean to keep you so long!” I offered apologetically.

She smiled as she rose, “Nonsense, dear. I told you before; I’m here for you, not the other way around.” I couldn’t help myself. I hugged her.

“Thank you so much, Doctor Ketz.”

“You’re welcome dear. Now, you have a date with another doctor, I believe.”

The afternoon passed far too quickly. I had to have some blood drawn at the endocrinologist’s office, which was an unpleasant experience in itself, but ultimately worth it.

The doctor couldn’t believe I’d only been living “in role” such a short time, for how naturally I presented.

I blame that squarely on friends like Allison and Nicole. Everyone was being so supportive of my desires, and for the first time in my life, I knew who I was. I knew I was lucky, though. I was a one in a million case, and I was thrilled that I could be so blessed.

The sun had already begun creeping toward the horizon by the time we got back home. I could hear strains of electric guitar from the Jones’ garage, so I decided to hang out with Allison for awhile, while Margie made the necessary calls regarding the camp situation.

I noted the Morgans’ Lexus in the driveway, figuring Mrs. Morgan must be here. The garage door was closed, so I went to the front door to knock. To my surprise, Mrs. Morgan answered.

“Well, hello there Robin!” she greeted me far more cheerfully than she had the first time we met. It made me a little uneasy, but I gave her my best respectful smile anyway.

“Hi Mrs. Morgan; how are you?”

“Oh, just lovely dear. Carol and I were just talking about you actually. Why don’t you come inside? I’m sure Nicole and Allison will be glad to see you’re back.”

“Thank you ma’am,” I replied, following her inside. A light draft wafted the sweet scent of her perfume under my nose. It was a pleasant, muted fragrance, and for some reason, I felt emboldened, “Um… If you don’t mind my asking, why were you talking about me?”

She smiled as she led me to the kitchen, “I’m sure Nicole’s told you what I found in the pocket of her jeans. She’s supposed to be grounded, but I decided to lift it for today since it sounded like you and Allison could use her company.”

She smiled back at me, as we walked into the kitchen where Carol was seated at the dining room table.

“I was just explaining to Carol how vehemently Nicole defended you and that you were the reason she chose to go to music camp instead of staying home and…”

She wrinkled her nose, as though just uttering those words, what Nicole had planned on doing, were the most distasteful curse one could ever speak.

I smiled meekly, “Hi Mrs. Jones.” Carol had instructed me to call her by her first name, but in front of Nicole’s mother, I didn’t want to seem rude.

I turned back to Mrs. Morgan, “It’s nothing really. I just thought she sounded like she needed her friends, and I certainly needed to unwind too.”

Carol interrupted, “You’re too modest dear. Even with everything going on in your life, you were more concerned for Nicole’s well-being than your own, and then Allison’s yesterday morning. Oh, that reminds me, how did your session go?”

“It went pretty great actually. I talked out a lot of my anxieties about what happened yesterday, and Doctor Ketz talked me into taking Jennifer up on her offer to go to camp with Ally and Nikki.” I smiled.

I was of course conveniently leaving out the part about starting puberty-blocking medications.

I didn’t know how much Mrs. Morgan knew, but it was bad enough I had gone on my first date as a girl with her daughter, even if she did think I was a good influence. I would eventually have to tell her, just not today, with everything else on my mind.

“Allison and Nicole are out in the garage. Why don’t you go let them know you’re back? Oh, and tell them dinner will be ready in ten minutes.”

I nodded, “Yes ma’am. It was nice seeing you again, Mrs. Morgan.” I offered warmly as I turned to head through the kitchen toward the door leading off into the garage.

I heard a quiet “I can’t believe Nicole’s changed so drastically since…” as I opened the door. I decided not to stay and eavesdrop. By now the music had stopped, so the door closing behind me easily caught the other girls’ attention.

Allison sat on an old bar stool with a gorgeous, high-polished cherry red electric guitar in her lap, with Nicole close by holding a much larger, sparkling-blue four string bass.

Both girls practically jumped off their stools as they saw me coming, setting their instruments in their respective guitar sands before rushing over to hug me. I put my arms around both, grinning like an idiot.

“You two are so incredibly talented!”

“Thanks!” They chimed in unison, looked at each other, and started laughing. Allison asked, “So how did it go?”

“Yeah, can you go to camp? And what about the hormone thing?”

I laughed as they overwhelmed me with questions, “Whoa, slow down. Therapy went really well. I talked a lot with Doctor Ketz about my anxiety over the incident yesterday, and yes, I might be going.

“There’s going to be a hearing on Monday to make Margie my legal guardian, and she’s calling to set up an appointment with the Girl Scout people to talk about my being allowed to go to camp.

“Doctor Ketz wants me to call and let her know so she can attend the meeting personally to speak on my behalf.”

“That’s awesome!” Allison squealed as she hugged me, “But what about the hormones?”

I reached into my purse, producing a prescription bottle and holding it up. “It’s not girl hormones,”

“Estrogen.” They corrected me in unison. They were good at that.

“Right, that. But it’ll block my body from developing further.”

Allison nodded, “It’s a start. Kelly went through the same thing. By the time she went back to school they had her started with hormone replacement though.

“They said it was kind of unorthodox, but that she was so absolutely sincere in her desires that they finally relented, for her own mental health,”

Nicole grinned, “Well, I don’t care what anyone says, you’re the prettiest, nicest, most honest girl I’ve ever met.” She paused, glancing at Allison, “Uh… No offense, Ally.”

Allison stuck her tongue out, laughing, “None taken.”

“So what were you working on before I came down?” I asked. “That is a nice guitar by the way. Well, guitars. They’re both pretty.” I knew absolutely nothing about guitars, so I had to limit my comment to their paint job.

Nicole answered first, “Ally was helping me tighten up my timing on a new bass riff I learned at rock camp.”

I stared blankly at her, “Yeah, I’m just going to nod and smile,” I teased.

She laughed as she lightly swatted my arm, “C’mere you.”

Nicole grabbed my hand and had me sit on the bar stool she was using before. She carefully set the bulky instrument in my lap and instructed me on how to sit, how to hold the guitar, and finally, where to put my fingers. I’d never been this close to a musical instrument, so this was all undiscovered country for me.

“Now, take your finger and pluck that string.” A low thud echoed from the nearby amplifier. She giggled, “More pressure. Good, now try again.” This time something more resembling a musical note followed.

“Now move your finger up to this fret. Perfect. Now, this fret. Okay, now I want you to start at the bottom, go up to each fret I showed you. Three up, three down, plucking the string once for each.”

As I received Nicole’s impromptu lesson, Allison had picked up her own guitar. Between the two of us I could hear the strains of a simple, but familiar blues sound coming from the amplifiers. I blinked at her. “Oh my God that is so cool!”

She just grinned, “Congratulations. You can now play bass for every country song ever written.” That crack sent Allison into a hysterical giggle fit.

“Hannah Montana, eat your heart out?” I jibed playfully, then added, as I handed the guitar back to Nicole, “Oh that reminds me, Ally your mom said dinner would be ready soon.”

“Yay!” she exclaimed. “Are you staying for dinner? It’s meatloaf night, and like I said the other day, Mom always makes way too much.”

“That sounds great. Sure she won’t mind?” I asked as I hopped down off the bar stool.

Nicole answered, “Of course not. She lets me stay doesn’t she?”

I decided to walk back over to let Margie know I’d be staying over at Allison’s for dinner. Mrs. Morgan and Nicole stayed as well, and dinner conversation inevitably turned to how the three of us managed to, despite not formally signing up, end up being able to go to camp this year after all. Apparently Mrs. Morgan had already had a word with the head counselor over the phone about Nicole’s interest.

After dinner, Mrs. Morgan announced that it was time for them to get back home, giving Nicole a wink. Nicole insisted she wait just a minute longer, while she ran out to their car to get something. I looked at Allison, who was, for once, just as bewildered as me.

A moment later Nicole came back inside, carrying two brightly wrapped presents, one yellow and one pink. Mrs. Morgan just smiled, nodding to Carol, who picked up a digital camera from a nearby shelf.

“Ally, you’ve been my best friend since I moved here. You didn’t have to be nice to or even talk to me. You’ve always been there when I needed someone to make me smile.” She handed Allison one of the packages, saying “Don’t open it yet.”

She then turned to me. “Robin, you’ve turned my life RIGHT upside-down and stopped me from doing something I would’ve regretted the rest of my life. And then you gave me the gift of the most wonderful date I’ve ever been on.

“I’ve never met anyone like you before, and I hope, when we’re both ready, that we can see if there’s something more between us, but for now…” She handed me the pink package. It was rectangular, vaguely DVD-shaped, actually, while Allison’s was more square-ish.

“Okay, NOW you can open them.” She grinned, stepping back. Carol snapped a few pictures as we tore into the paper.

Inside Allison’s was a new white purse, while mine contained the latest Disney Tinker Bell DVD. Something had been taped to the case, which I tilted in order to read.

“This certificate is good for fifty dollars at any participating JC Penney’s… Oh… My… God!” I squealed. Tears were running down my cheeks as Allison and I tag-team tackled Nicole, hugging her.

“Nikki you so did not have to do this!” Allison insisted. I echoed a moment later, “Totally. This is way, way too much!”

Nicole laughed, “Ally, you’ll find your gift certificate inside your new purse,”

She grinned, “Mom won them at a raffle, and I couldn’t think of anyone more deserving. It was her idea to package them with something more personal, too.”

I pretty much instinctively turned to hug Mrs. Morgan, which I think caught her by surprise. She smiled as she returned the hug though, with Allison joining a moment later.

“Thank you so much, both of you. I really don’t know what to say,” I was about to cry again.

“You’re both very welcome dear. To be honest, it was worth it just to hear Nicole calling me ‘Mom’ for the first time.” She smiled, this time catching me off guard with another hug. I blushed as Nicole kissed my cheek.

“What can I say? Robin’s worth behaving myself for. Plus I can still torture Ally. I still owe her for the green jell-o in my shoes,” she added mischievously.

Allison smiled innocently, "I didn't think Kelly would ever forgive you for putting honey in her shampoo," she giggled.

As the two left, I stared at my new DVD and gift certificate, slowly shaking my head. “Wow.” I said softly.

Allison giggled, “Yeah, no kidding. So! Wanna sleep over so we can watch your new DVD in style?”

I laughed, turning to Carol, “May I?”

Carol smiled softly as she nodded, “Of course, dear! Just make sure your sister knows.” I nodded and, after a quick hug in gratitude, stepped out to head over.

“Margie!” I bellowed as I stepped inside her house for the second time this evening, “You’re not going to believe this!”

Margie emerged from the living room with a puzzled look on her face. I held up the DVD, which still had wrapping paper partially attached near the bottom. “Nikki officially has the coolest mom ever.”

She chuckled as she stepped closer to inspect the certificate attached, “… Oh my God, Robin, what did you do to deserve that?” She laughed as I hugged her, and proceeded to explain what Mrs. Morgan and Nicole had said.

“So can I sleep over at Ally’s? Carol already said she doesn’t mind..?”

“Well, if Carol said it was okay, I don’t see why not. I don’t guess I even need to tell you to behave, do I?” She laughed.

“You’re such a darling little sister. Alright, go get your things together. Don’t forget your medicine. Follow the directions on the bottle precisely, and keep your phone with you.

“Oh that reminds me, you’ve got a meeting Tuesday with the head counselor so you’ll need to pick out something pretty to wear for that. I’ve already called Doctor Ketz to let her know for you.”

I smiled brightly, “I love you so much, sis. I swear you think of everything.” I hugged her again, standing up on my toes a bit to kiss her cheek, then bounding up the stairs to gather my pajamas, a fresh change of clothes, and other personal items.

I also picked up a previously unopened bottle of nail polish I’d been meaning to try, dropping it in my purse then hoisting my backpack-of-sleepover-goodies over my shoulder. Before long, Allison and I were relaxing in our pajamas in her den.

I had gone from friendless outcast to not only having two good friends, but the prospects of dating one of them in the future, with the bonus of her parents already liking me. I just wished Mom could see how happy I finally was. I felt terrible thinking that so much joy could come from such a tragic accident though.

Since it was just the two of us, Allison offered to let me use her bed, but I politely declined. I did ultimately end up sleeping on an incredibly comfortable pile of sleeping bags that night though, after much giggling over the movie, the shopping that was sure to come, and of course, the news of the coming meeting.

Allison sensed something was bothering me though because when we went to bed, she sat down on the floor beside me and squeezed my hand. “Robin, are you okay? You look like you’re about to cry.” She cooed. She had such a soothing, melodious voice when she was comforting someone.

I gave a little shrug and sighed, “It’s just… When I think about how happy I am now, and all because of Mom’s accident,” I said softly, sitting up on my sleeping bag pile. Allison put her arms around me, shaking her head as I buried myself in her embrace.

“Don’t think like that. Remember, Margie was going to let you come stay with her anyway. The only thing that changed is that you came here sooner than expected.” Her soft, comforting smile melted my heart every time. I nodded, hugging her tightly,

“You’re right. She’d want me to be happy. I can’t wait to show her how better things are now that I’m not hiding who I am anymore either. Thanks Ally.” I said warmly as I lay back down again. She pulled a blanket up over me and kissed my forehead.

“You’re welcome Robin. And thank you for being such a great friend.”

“Hey, Ally?” I spoke up after a few moments’ silence between us.

“Yeah?”

“I talked to Doctor Ketz about that guy, you know, Mr. Harris? I’ve been thinking … I’m a little scared of seeing him again. I mean, I don’t know how I’d react, but I overheard his wife talking to the dispatcher while he wrangled that creepy pervert. She said he was just home from Iraq last week.”

“You want to do something nice for him?” she perked up. “I do too, actually. I just didn’t know if I should say anything.”

“What do you buy a soldier in gratitude though?” I had no idea, but at least knew Joe used to be in the Marines, so that had to count for something for Allison’s knowledge on the subject.

“The same thing you buy any hero, I guess? Flowers would be nice, or something more personal like a little teddy bear in army fatigues,” she added with a giggle. “I’ll get Mom to take us shopping Monday if you want, since your sister’s going to be in New Haven again anyway.”

We talked for awhile after that, though I don’t remember which of us fell asleep first. I just remember a warm, peaceful silence settling over the room after awhile.

I think in some way, I greatly dreaded moving back to California again, and abandoning Nicole and Allison. I began to wonder if I could talk Mom into moving here instead, when she woke up. It was something to consider, anyway.
 

 
Monday’s hearing came and passed uneventfully. More importantly though, Allison and I went shopping with Carol that morning. After much discussion the three of us decided Allison’s idea to track down a camo-clad teddy bear sounded best.

Surprisingly, we managed to find the perfect one, not too large as to be unwieldy, but not too small either, which we paired with a summer flower arrangement.

Pulling into the Harris’ drive, we piled out of Carol’s SUV. I had to stop for a moment to shake the horribly uneasy feeling of just being here again.

It looked like they had to completely replace the front door where the raggedy pervert had chased us.

I couldn’t help feeling guilty about it as we approached the front door. Carol stood close by as our silent moral support, while Allison held the brown bear and flowers, leaving me to be the official greeter.

I inhaled deeply, and knocked. A few seconds later, the door opened. Beth Harris, Randall’s wife, answered.

Much to my surprise she had a baby, no more than a year at best, in her arms. She smiled as she nodded, “Well hello girls. I didn’t expect to see you again so soon.”

“Hi Mrs. Harris,” I offered meekly. I couldn’t help smiling down at the child. She noticed me staring and grinned, “This is little Casey, our youngest daughter.”

My eyes widened. “Oh, I am so, so sorry.” I started with no small amount of unease. She shook her head though.

“No, it’s okay. The kids were out with their grandmother. That’s why I was still in my pajamas the other day,” she chuckled wryly.

“Little Casey had been sick, so I’d been up most of the last two nights sitting with her. My mother-in-law took them off our hands so I could finally get some much-needed rest, and so Randall and I could have a little time together too.” She added with a broad smile.

“Who is it?” Mr. Harris asked neutrally, but smiled as he moved closer. “Oh, it’s you two. I wasn’t expecting I’d see you again.” His words belied the warm smile on his face.

“Sorry about your door,” I offered softly, motioning to Allison, who stepped closer. “We just wanted to thank you for protecting us. I overheard your wife mention to the dispatch that you just came home from active duty last week, so,”

“We hope that this is appropriate,” Allison finished, offering our gifts.

Mrs. Harris grinned, and Mr. Harris’ eyes welled up just a little as he took the bear, staring at it for a moment before accepting the flowers as well.

He stepped down onto the patio and lightly hugged us both. Mrs. Harris shifted the baby gently in her arms so she could give us each a one-armed hug in-turn.

“Thank you, girls. You don’t know how much this means to us,” he spoke softly.

We both smiled warmly, as I responded. “We were both so terrified, but you risked your life to save us even when you didn’t have to. You’re kind of our hero,” I blushed a little, adding, “Anyway we just wanted to let you both know how much we appreciate what you did.”

I faintly heard him saying “I hope our kids turn out like those two,” as we turned to leave, causing me to blush even more. As we got into Carol’s car, she smiled over at us.

“That was really sweet of you both. Joe and I are both extremely proud of you,” she added, as we backed out of the driveway.

Later that afternoon, Allison had broken out her Baby Taylor three-quarter-sized acoustic guitar for me to practice with as we sat in her parents’ open garage.

We were just having fun giggling and goofing off, and didn’t even notice the Toyota Corolla that had pulled into Margie’s driveway.

A taller woman in conservative business casual attire and honey blonde hair in a tight ponytail stepped out and crossed the lawns. She walked past us at first, heading toward the front door, paused, and turned back again, entering the garage.

Allison noticed the woman first, setting her electric guitar aside and rising with a cheerful smile. The woman returned the smile as she offered her hand.

“I’m sorry to interrupt you girls like this,” she began as Allison shook her hand, “But could you tell me where I can find,” she paused, glancing at her clipboard, “Robin Smith? I didn’t see a car in the driveway and this is the next address to contact.”

Allison turned back toward me. I stood with a nervous smile as I handed her guitar back to her, approaching the woman, “I’m Robin. What’s this about?”

She blinked at me then looked down at her clipboard again, then back at me, “You’re Robin? Robert Jonathan Smith?”

I cringed, “Robin Jane Smith, ma’am. I haven’t gotten my name officially changed until Doctor Ketz okays it, but as far as anyone is concerned, I am Robin.”

She offered an apologetic smile, “I’m so sorry. I just couldn’t believe,” she paused and blushed. “Let’s try this again,” she fumbled as she tried to backpedal.

“Um, sorry, who are you exactly?” Allison interrupted. I was wondering the same thing, and I think Allison could tell I was starting to feel uneasy about all this.

“I’m Susan Keats,” she offered with a more confident smile. “I’m a social worker for the state of Connecticut. My duties include evaluating the home environment for children and teens in foster care normally, but I also work with kids transitioning to ward status.”

I gave her a warm smile as relief flooded throughout. I was sure she was from the hospital or something, as bizarre as that sounds. I hadn’t heard anything new of Mom’s condition in awhile and was beginning to worry.

“Oh, good. For a second there I thought… Er, never mind. It’s nice to meet you Ms. Keats. Margie told me to expect someone. I’m sorry she couldn’t be here personally, but there was a minor emergency at her clothing store.

“Something about a VIP making a surprise visit,” I rolled my shoulders a bit then offered, “What can I do for you?”

“I just need to ask you a few questions. I’d like to inspect your sister’s home as well. Do you expect her back soon?”

Allison set her acoustic guitar on its stand then turned back to us, “I can go get my mom if you need an adult present or whatever,” she offered.

I nodded, echoing, “Yeah, Mrs. Jones is practically my second Mom. Margie won’t mind me showing you the house though, either way.”

“Thank you, dear. Yes, I’d feel more comfortable with another adult present for these proceedings,” she hesitated, lowering her voice a bit as Allison stepped inside.

“Just between the two of us, our department has come under fire ever since the Morgan incident a couple of years ago, so we try to do everything on the cautious side these days.”

“Wait… Morgan incident - as in Nicole Morgan?” I frowned as recognition, and not a little bit of concern, crossed her face.

“You know Nicole Morgan?”

“We’re… kind of dating, sort of.” I responded, “Nothing serious, but I care about her.”

“I see. Well, I really shouldn’t say anything. I could get in a lot of trouble just for mentioning what I already have.”

I nodded, “It’s okay. I respect her privacy, and I don’t want to get you in any trouble either.”

By now, Allison had returned with Carol. The two women exchanged pleasantries, and Ms. Keats returned her attention to her clipboard, “Now then, Robin. How would you describe your sister?”

“Well, she’s awesome for starters. When I was little, she came over practically every night when my mom was taking night school classes to sit for me. She took care of me until I was about seven or eight, like that.”

She jotted something down on her clipboard then glanced back up, “What happened to make her stop?”

I chuckled a little, “College. She had to promise to come visit me every other weekend to get me to stop crying. She was apparently planning to invite me to come stay the summer anyway, when the accident happened.”

“Your mother’s accident? I’m so sorry about that, by the way,” she offered, then continued. She asked several questions about how I liked my new home compared to the old one, my friends here, if there was anything I would change.

I was hesitant to answer that last question. By now we had moved on to giving her a tour of Margie’s, or ‘my’ I suppose I should say, home. As we stood at the top of the stairs, I exhaled slowly.

“Actually, there are two things I want to change, but only one of them is within my power. The other is… is just something that I have to wait for.” Before she could ask, I opened the door to my bedroom and stepped inside, with a hand motion inviting her to have a look.

“This is what I want to change. Allison and I have been talking about ideas to remodel my room to look less like a converted nursery and more like a proper teen sanctuary. Some throw pillows, some wallpaper, maybe a blow torch…” I grinned after that last one, “Just kidding.”

She chuckled, “And the other?”

“Well, the other is more personal. I’m on blockers to prevent my body from progressing any further through puberty as a boy. I, and everyone I know, believe I am and should have been born a girl. I just have to wait until my doctors agree with me and start me on medicine to fully correct my body to match who I am.”

She nodded neutrally, scribbling something on her clipboard as I stepped out again. I caught a glimpse of her peeking in my open closet, and grinned, “I’m still working on my wardrobe. Nikki’s mom gave Ally and me gift certificates to JC Penney the other night that I’m going to put to good use tomorrow when we head back to New Haven for the other meeting.

“I’m going to try and get into the Girl Scouts on their counselor in training summer camp program. Doctor Ketz says it’d be a great chance for me to develop leadership skills.”

Concluding the tour, we walked back downstairs. Standing in the foyer, she made one last note on her clipboard then offered me her hand, then shook Carol’s.

She smiled, “Well, Robin, that’s everything I needed. You seem like a happy, well-adjusted, normal teenager. I’d like your permission to interview Nicole’s parents if I may, but beyond that, this should be the last you’ll hear from social services.”

I nodded, “Absolutely; I don’t know how Mr. Morgan feels about me, but I know Mrs. Morgan seems to like me,” I offered with a sheepish smile. She smiled, turning to step out.

Carol tapped me on the shoulder, grinning as I turned around, “I snuck a peek at her clipboard when she wasn’t looking. The words ‘Extraordinary kid’ were written under ‘Misc’.” She giggled, hugging me. I laughed as I hugged her back.

“Now I know where Allison gets her sneaky streak. Thanks for coming over and being my ‘adult witness’, by the way.”

“It’s no problem dear. Margie would do the same if it were my Allison in your shoes. I’m glad I can help.”

As she left, I went back upstairs to my room. I could hear the door open again a minute or so later, Allison’s voice ringing throughout the house, “Robin?”

“Up here!” I called back, delving into my closet.

“What’s up?” She asked, hanging in the doorway for only a moment before bounding over, where I had already begun meticulously scrutinizing my wardrobe.

“Hey Ally, if you were me, and you had to present as a poised, confident girl for a group of strangers who were about to decide if you could attend camp as a girl, what would you wear?”

She laughed, “Robin, sweetie, you’re thinking too much again! Look, if you go in there all nervous, dressed like you’re going to prom, they’re going to wonder how sincere you are.”

She reached out, taking down a pale blue tank top with cute flower embroidery around the neckline and held it up to me, “I LOVE this color on you. You should pair it with some cargo shorts maybe. Show them you’re not afraid to dress for the season!”

“I love you Ally.” I blurted with a grin, causing her to laugh and hug me.

“You’re an awesome friend, Robin. You just need to learn to stop overanalyzing everything and just be you.”

Wardrobe settled, we walked back downstairs and over to Allison’s to continue our impromptu guitar lesson. I always liked music, but never had any real talent for it. Spending time with Allison like this though, had been a lot of fun.

We also had time for her to give me a primer on camp ‘rules and regs’, basic first-aid, and other simple things I’d need to know as a first-timer, to say nothing of going into their more intensive training program.

The next afternoon, following a round of shopping (including a new one-piece bathing suit!) found me waiting in a small conference room with Margie.

Doctor Ketz had arranged for my session this week to follow the meeting so that I could talk about it with her immediately after, in addition to meeting this other mystery therapist of hers.

I’d taken Allison’s advice and worn the tank top she suggested with matching socks, and white lace-up sneakers, plus a cute pair of above-the-knee white shorts.

Margie and I had stopped for lunch beforehand, and now just had to wait for everyone else to arrive. I tried not to act too nervous, but the waiting was killing me, so I took my MP3 player (now bearing an adorable purple latex ‘skin’ protector) from my purse, plugging the earbud headphones in and cycling through to my favorite song.

Dr. Ketz was the first to arrive, followed immediately by a much older woman that I didn’t recognize. I quickly turned off and put away my music player, causing the older woman to flash a brief, approving smile.

“Robin?” She asked, as she seated herself at the table.

I nodded, “Yes ma’am.”

“I’m Meredith Greer,” she paused, offering a wry smile, “Better known around my camp as ‘The Dragon’.”

I blushed. I’d never referred to her by that name, but I certainly knew the reputation. “It’s nice to finally meet you, ma’am.” I offered as I delicately shook her hand. I was sure my palms were sweating, so I tried not to let them rub off on her too badly.

“I understand that you’re interested in the CIT program. Have you had any past scout or camp experience?”

I shook my head slowly, biting my lip, “No ma’am. To tell you the truth, before this summer I never had a lot of friends. I was the butt of kids’ jokes at school, and always figured that camp would be the same experience, only outdoors.”

She gave a sympathetic smile as she nodded, “That’s unfortunate. The GSC — Girl Scouts of Connecticut, take that sort of bullying very seriously. First infractions are, unless there’s reasonable doubt, an immediate suspension.

“We value giving our girls a positive experience. I understand you’re the reason Allison Jones is interested in returning to our flock this year, though. Do you think you have the commitment to return for our second-year program next summer?”

I began to wonder if she didn’t realize what this meeting was actually about. I nodded, “Of course. I don’t know how, but somehow I’ll find a way to make it back here next year if I haven’t convinced my mom to move here by then.”

Hope was harder and harder for me to hold onto, but I'd resolved that, if she wasn't better by the end of camp, I'd ask Margie if we could go back for a week or two.

“Doctor Ketzowski informed me of your mother’s condition. I am truly sorry about that.” Her words carried an undertone of compassion that I didn't expect from a camp director. Of course, my only 'camp' exposure was through television and movies, too.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I finally spoke meekly, “Ma’am … Did Doctor Ketz explain the other reason for this meeting? Other than fudging some paperwork I mean?”

She nodded, “I’ll be frank with you. At first, I was incredibly skeptical, but I promised Doctor Ketzowski that I would give you the same chance I’d give any girl.

“I’ve also taken the liberty of talking with the other interested girls’ parents and discussing this at length with them. It seems you have a pre-existing relationship to both girls,” she paused and smiled.

“Mrs. Jones in particular, was emphatic about what a brave, caring young woman you are. Anyone can be taught how to start a fire or set up a tent.

“It takes a true, rare gift to lead someone else out of danger when it counts. Robin, we would be honored to have you train as one of our counselors. There are some stipulations to this, however.”

“…Wait, what did you just say?” I couldn’t believe my ears.

“We want you in the CIT, and it’s my sincere desire that you’ll become a full-fledged scout yourself. You’re only fifteen after all.” Her grin was contagious, and I thought I was going to break down right there. Margie instinctively handed me a tissue.

“What are the stipulations? I’ll do whatever you ask,” I said with no small amount of excitement as I blotted my eyes I hopes of preventing my eye liner from running.

“For starters, it’s important that you not discuss your condition if it can be helped. The scouts do not discriminate, but neither do we encourage. Our goal is to promote and encourage a nurturing environment for all girls.”

I nodded quickly, “I totally agree. I actually was afraid to apply because… Well…” I paused.

Her silvered eyebrows rose, but she waited patiently for me to continue, “… Because I was afraid if someone did find out, that it might ruin other girls’ experiences.” I finished, biting my lip.

She smiled softly, “That’s exactly what I was hoping to hear. You have precisely the kind of caring desire to make others’ experience more enjoyable that we look for in counselors.

“The second stipulation is that you shower separately, mainly for your own safety, and that you’ll be sharing a bunk with your friends when you’re not on an advanced training exercise.”

Margie spoke up this time, “About showering… Won’t that raise questions with other girls?”

Meredith nodded, “We have a few girls each year who have unique medical conditions that require special accommodations. Robin’s case is no different in that regard. The third stipulation is no public displays of affection.

“The Morgans informed me that you were dating Nicole, one of the other girls interested. As I said, we do not discriminate, but we do not endorse any lifestyle either.”

I blushed intensely, “Um... Actually we’re not technically dating. We’re just really good friends, and we keep our feelings low key so that won’t be a problem at all. I mean, as long as things like hugging are okay? … Because Ally, Nicole and I are like, inseparable.”

She nodded, chuckling, “That’s fine. I believe that covers everything. I want you to understand just how unorthodox this is, however. Ordinarily the cut-off date for these signups is in March.

“I’m making a personal exception for the three of you because, for one reason or another, practically every other girl we thought would have been interested this year, didn’t sign up, or were unable to do so.

“In addition your friends and family have spoken very, very highly of you specifically, and I strongly believe you will be a wonderful asset for our younger girls to look up to,” she smiled professionally, but her words carried a lot of weight.

I was overwhelmed by how much she apparently was expecting of me. She was right though. If I was going to attend camp as a girl, I had to be the best darn girl I could be.

“I’ll try my best to live up to everyone’s expectations. I wasn’t sure what to think when Allison brought it up, but now, I… I’m really excited!”

They all chuckled good-naturedly at my outburst, causing me to blush a little, but I smiled brightly. In less than a week, I’d be on my way to my first summer camp!

We adjourned the meeting and Margie and I drove to Doctor Ketz office for our weekly session. As I got comfortable on the sofa, Doctor Ketz observed, “Robin, have you been shaving your legs?”

I nodded. “Actually,” I paused, glancing at Margie. She just gave a comforting smile, “Actually, I’ve been shaving since I was like, thirteen. Well before I started buying my own things.”

Doctor Ketz seemed a little surprised by that. She leaned back in her chair.

Silence enveloped as I waited nervously. Finally, she granted me her mercy by breaking the silence, “You’ve thought about this for a long time, haven’t you Robin?”

“About… wanting to be a girl?” I asked. She nodded.

“Yes ma’am.” She already knew all this, I thought.

“I suppose I was reluctant to administer a diagnosis after so few sessions. It took a fresh set of eyes for me to accept what I was seeing.”

Margie and I looked at each other, and I wondered which of us was the more bewildered. We both turned back to Doctor Ketz, Margie speaking up this time.

“What are you getting at, Barbara?” Her tone was more than a little concerned.

Doctor Ketz chuckled softly as she removed her glasses and sat forward, “Robin, just after our meeting, Meredith pulled me aside and asked if this was all part of some elaborate camp joke put forth by her counselors.”

I blinked at her and stared for several seconds, “I’m sorry?”

“She said she played along for the sake of appearances, but wanted to know in advance if someone was trying to play her for a fool. She honestly believed you were a natural-born girl.

“Let me ask you something. Are you absolutely certain that this, that being Robin is what you want? Once you’ve transitioned, there are some things that cannot be undone.”

Without even giving her a second to inhale, I responded, “Yes! More than anything, this is what I want with all my heart. This is what I’ve always wanted.”

She stood as she continued, “I’m going to step out of the room now, and let my colleague, Doctor Bane take over, alright?”

I hesitantly nodded, and she left the room. Hardly a few seconds passed before a tall young looking man with broad shoulders and clean-cut, short brown hair entered.

Had his gray suit been even a half size smaller it would have looked incredibly comical on his lanky frame, but instead he exuded professionalism.

He smiled as he nodded, approaching us. “Robin and,” he nodded toward my sister, hesitating, “Margie? Or is that the other way around? I’m no good with names,” he joked, immediately putting me a little more at ease.

“I’m Robin. You’re Doctor Bane then?”

“Yes, though you can call me Tom if you prefer.” He seated himself across from us, retrieving a pen from his inner jacket pocket.

“I’m just going to borrow Barbara’s notepad here. If she asks, I didn’t peek at her notes.” He winked, causing me to chuckle.

“Before we begin, Robin, I’d like to speak with your sister one on one. Don’t worry though, this won’t take very long, then we’ll get back to your personality evaluation.”

I glanced at Margie briefly. She smiled as she squeezed me.

“Robin’s a little uneasy about being alone ever since last Friday,” she offered.

His face softened considerably. “Oh that’s right. Barbara couldn’t fill me in on the details of your session due to confidentiality concerns, but she did mention the incident briefly as part of her primer for our meeting.

“Hmm. Ordinarily I like to do these evaluations separately, but if it would contaminate results more by keeping you two apart for this part, then I suppose I have no choice,” he paused, and my breath caught in my throat.

“Wait, if it’s going to affect whether or not I can continue my transition I’ll wait outside.” I really didn’t want to, but I’d do what I had to do.

He shook his head with a smile, “I’m so sorry, Robin. That was the first test. I had to see for myself how sincere you were.

“I know how hard it is for you to be alone right now, and that you would be willing to put yourself so far outside your comfort zone says a lot.”

I blinked. I so wanted to hate him for that, but in a weird way, he’d proven his point. I was ready to step FAR outside my comfort zone for this. I still wanted to slug him though. I nodded neutrally instead.

“Now, Margie I would like to ask you a few questions,” he began. Margie seemed ready to take the defensive at any moment, but nodded, letting him continue.

The questions he had for her were largely the same questions Doctor Ketz had asked. He wanted to know about what I was like growing up, how I reacted to her moving away, and eventually, how she felt about learning about ‘her sister’.

For my part, I largely tuned it all out. I was still a little upset about his first ‘test’. He meant well, but that was a dirty trick!

“Robin?” I suddenly blinked back to reality at hearing my name.

“Mm? Sorry, what?”

He chuckled. “I’d like to ask you a series of questions now, if that’s alright?”

I nodded. “Ask away.”

I found his line of questions a little puzzling, to be honest. After the initial round of inquiring about how long I’d felt the way I did, he went off into a tangent of questions like my favorite color (purple!), how likely I was to feel comfortable or uncomfortable sitting close to someone.

He made certain to clarify that I answer for both before and after Friday on that point, and went on to ask things like my favorite subject in school, how well I deal with math versus writing, and other things.

Finally, he asked me how I would react to a complete stranger suddenly breaking down and crying.

I giggled at his last question. Now I knew how Allison felt when she couldn’t help giggling at ‘hearing it all before’.

“I’m sorry. It’s not the question that’s funny, but that I’ve had that one actually happen to me.”

“Really?” he asked. “Could you tell me about it?”

“Sure. It happened literally right after I had just started living as Robin. My friend Allison’s best friend came over to hang out,” I told him everything, from beginning to end, about how my relationship to Nicole progressed.

I mentioned toward the end how her mother informed me I had sort of inadvertently stopped her from doing drugs in addition to getting her to go to her rock camp.

When I finished, he sat back in his chair, a stunned expression practically tattooed on his features. After several seconds, he turned his attention to Margie. I could hear the disbelief in his tone.

“That is … a remarkable story. Is that really what happened?”

Margie nodded. “Every word: since she’s been here, and since she’s been living as Robin, no longer fighting her natural instincts, she’s been an overwhelmingly positive influence on everyone she’s come into contact with, including me.” She smiled softly down at me, giving me a squeeze.

“Now I understand why Barbara wanted me to meet with you so strongly. Excuse me just a moment.” He seemed to have completely lost his jovial nature and exchanged it for uncertainty. He stood, straightened his tie, and turned to step outside.

“Did I do something wrong?” I asked Margie with no small amount of concern in my tone.

She shook her head slowly, “I don’t think so, sweetheart. I think he’s just a little surprised.”

I nodded. I began to wonder if there was a hidden camera or two-way mirror in the room somewhere out of sight where they could observe my reaction or something.

I felt a little nudge of paranoia well up inside, but thankfully they didn’t give it time to grow. The two doctors reentered together, Doctor Ketz taking her usual seat, and Tom taking the adjoining, normally empty chair.

Tom smiled at me, “Robin, let me first apologize for my initial, and completely unprofessional reaction. It’s just that I’ve only ever heard of a handful of cases where transition sounded like a such plausible notion in someone so young, especially this quickly.

“Your reactions to my tests, both the obvious ones, and the less obvious ones,” he paused to offer a wry smile. I guessed he really did feel guilty about pulling that first one on me, “have shown that you tend strongly toward a female mindset across the board.”

Doctor Ketz nodded, “As I said, it took a second set of eyes for me to realize what I had been seeing in you this whole time.

“There is something that I need Doctor Bane to discuss with your sister first, though. I know you don’t like being alone, but would you feel comfortable taking a walk with me?”

I nodded, “That sounds okay,” I offered. As Doctor Ketz led me out of her office, I worked up the courage to ask, “What do they need to talk about anyway?”

“It’s a legality issue. Your sister only just set the paperwork in motion to become your legal guardian in Linda’s absence. The fact that she seems to be your closest blood relative does help, however there are still certain ethical issues that need to be worked out.

“Thomas and I discussed this potential eventuality,” she explained, as we stepped onto the elevator together, “since I knew ahead of time that one of us would need to speak to your sister one-on-one, and I felt it best that I be the one to stay with you while that’s handled.”

I nodded softly, “Thanks Doctor Ketz. Tom seems like a nice guy, but you’re,” I hesitated. “You’re like I’d want my grandparents to be, if they were still alive.” I blushed even as she smiled brightly at that.

“Thank you Robin,” she offered gently as we stepped off onto the first floor, “That means a lot to me. Can I buy you a soda?” She motioned toward the vending machine off to the side.

“Red cream soda if they have it, or Sprite, please. I’m trying to watch my caffeine intake. So, what does all this mean for me anyway?”

“It means that we’re considering starting you on a hormone replacement regimen. Now, this doesn’t mean that we’re going to just go willy-nilly pumping you full of hormones,” she advised.

I could feel the tinge of sorrow at that. Did this mean I couldn’t transition yet?

“Given the short amount of time since you first expressed a desire to remain as Robin,” she continued, “we’ve decided to take a cautionary approach.

“What we’re considering is to start you on a slow hormonal regimen so that you have more time than is usually the case to decide if you’re absolutely certain about your decision. In addition, there’s the matter of your mother Linda’s condition.

“Even if the paperwork to make Margie your legal guardian has already been pushed through the system by her attorney, there’s the ethical implication of making this decision without her input.”

I nodded slowly as she handed me my soda can, but I couldn’t bring myself to even open it yet. I was still trying to digest all the information I’d just been handed. I slowly walked to a padded bench in the front lobby and sat, staring at my drink.

“Robin, it’s important to understand that you’ve had your friends and family supporting you fully so far. You’ve been in a very unique, and I’m sad to admit, unusual situation.

“We want you to experience more of your life as a girl before we commit to more robust regimen which would eventually cause irreversible changes.”

“Why would you even start me on replacement then, if it’s not going to take effect?” I asked. I felt more than a little wounded and very confused.

Doctor Ketz smiled softly, “Oh, you’ll feel the effects. It’s just that there’s a certain point where hormone-induced changes become completely irreversible.

“We want to give you the most opportunity to make your final decision, while cautiously proceeding with your development. If, in a couple of months, you decide to proceed fully, then we’ll discuss stepping up your progress.”

I smiled a little as she sat beside me. I wrapped her in a quick hug, then opened my soda and took a sip.

“Thanks Doctor Ketz. I guess this is the most I could’ve realistically hoped for. I know I don’t want to ever go back to being ‘Robert’ again, though.”

“I know, Robin, but I can’t in good conscience let you proceed any faster. I’d be doing you a disservice if I did.” She smiled softly.

“Now, you’re going to be at camp for the next two weeks. Do you want to work something out for me to come out to you, or just give me a call if you need to talk about anything?”

“Um… How about I call you from camp if things aren’t going well? Or Margie can put us on three-way calling with her?”

She nodded, “The medical staff will need to be apprised of your regimen, and administer it to you for safety and privacy reasons, incidentally.

“I’ll want to see you first thing in two weeks, in any case. Is there anything else you’d like to discuss?”

“Actually there is one thing. Would it be alright for me to legally change my name to ‘Robin’?”

“That’s a big step forward,” she offered, contemplating for a moment. I looked up to see Margie stepping off the elevator.

“I don’t think it should be a problem. You might consider filing for a legal alias instead, and then make the change later, as ‘Robin’ is technically an alias of ‘Robert’, if a bit roundabout. ”

I offered her a bit of a smile as I stood to hug Margie. “How did it go?”

She produced a letter from her purse. “Tom asked that I show this to you,” she responded. “It’s a letter of recommendation to allow you to begin transition, with the provision that it be immediately halted pending review if Linda’s condition improves enough that she can speak on your behalf instead.”

Barbara smiled, “This isn't a prescription, but my and Thomas’ approval in-writing for Robin to begin hormone replacement. You can let your endocrinologist and attorney keep a copy, but I want you to keep the originals for your records.

“Because you’re so young, even at this low dosage this next week is going to be emotionally difficult as your body adjusts to having more estrogen in your system. Just take that to the same doctor I sent you to see the last time.

“Also, be sure to ask for a list of physical side-effects to watch out for, so that you can alert your camp’s nurse should your body react poorly after you’ve gone to camp. Again, the low dosage should minimize that risk for now, but it’s better to be cautious when dealing with your health.”

Margie hugged me as we left Doctor Ketz’ office. “Are you alright Robin?”

I shook my head slowly. “I guess I just got my hopes up too high. I don’t want to wait,” I whined, resting my head on her shoulder as we walked back to her car.

“I know, sweetheart, but you know she’s only doing what’s best for you. And you WILL start to change and develop. They did the same thing with Kelly, you know?”

I stopped, causing her to stop as well, and looked up at her. “They did? Really?”

She smiled, nodding, “Yeah. She actually didn’t start a full hormone replacement regimen until she turned sixteen, from what I understand.”

Somehow that sentiment made me feel a lot better. I squeezed Margie tightly, offering a relieved smile.

“That, I can deal with. I’m just… I guess I’m just worried about the other girls making fun of me for being so underdeveloped, not really at camp, but when school starts back,” I admitted, as we got in the car.

“People can find any reason to make fun of someone. What’s important is that you don’t let it get to you. You’re a bright, beautiful, courageous, and caring young lady, and the people that matter will always see that in you.”

I smiled warmly as I started digging out my cell phone. I gave Margie one last broad smile and leaned over to kiss her cheek then pulled my seatbelt across as I one-handed dialed.

“Jones residence,” Allison answered.

“Ally! Guess what?”

She laughed, “You got accepted? Jennifer called to tell me the good news. This is so awesome! Apparently you made a HUGE impact on the Dragon too. Jen says Meri’s actually excited to have you signed up next week.”

I laughed, “But that’s not all.”

“More good news? How was therapy?” she asked.

“We’re just leaving, and going over to see the endo-whatever-ologist.”

“Uh oh. Is there something wrong with the blockers?” She asked, concerned.

“Nope!” I bubbled.

“OH MY GOD! Alreadyy?!” She squealed, “MOM! Guess what!” I knew she’d put two and two together at this point, and started giggling. I could hear her excitedly telling Carol.

“Mom says congratulations. She also said to tell Margie ‘Break out the Midol’.” I blinked, looking at Margie.

“Hey, Carol said to tell Allison to tell you to break out the Midol.”

Margie laughed, “Tell her I said ‘Already got some’.”

“She says she already has some.” There was an inside joke that I wasn’t privy to here. “What was that all about?”

Allison giggled, “Kelly was, like, super moody when they started her on hormones. But don’t worry, you’ve got Nikki and me to help get you through this, plus jogging and ice cream won’t hurt, either!” She laughed.

“I was kind of downcast at first when they told me they couldn’t start me at the full level for what a normal girl would produce.”

“Honestly Robin, I’d be a little frightened for you if they did that. Kelly had to start small too. Something about being absolutely sure this is what you want before permanent changes happen within your body, I think.

“Kelly’s therapist once told our parents that he was glad they brought her to him because there are some people out there who’ll just charge a crazy amount of money for a transition letter without actually talking to the patient.

“For what it’s worth, Kelly pouted for like a week, too.” She giggled.

I giggled a little as well, “Yeah, Margie said something similar, which really did help a lot. I want to start developing like a real girl, but at least knowing Kelly went through the same thing helped so much. Hey, speaking of which, have you heard anything new from her?”

“I’m sorry Robin. I haven’t heard anything more than you yet,” she responded with a soft tone. I think she was as worried as me about Mom’s condition at this point.

“It’s okay Ally. No news is good news, right? Listen, I have to go for now. We’re at the other Doctor’s and Margie’s giving me the silent stare.” I giggled a little, sticking my tongue out at her.

“Oh, no problem! I’ll see you when you get home, okay?”

“Sure thing!” I answered, turning my phone off. I opened the glove compartment and used the open lid as a makeup tray.

“Come on Cinderella,” Margie teased. I stuck my tongue out at her, “I cry way too much. I need something more resilient or I’m going to look like a perpetual goth chick.”

Margie, to my surprise, reached out and placed her hand on my shoulder. I looked over, catching a smile from her as she spoke, “Welcome to girlhood. It’s only going to get worse from here.” I smiled as I finished touching up my lip gloss.

“Don’t you mean better?” We both laughed as I gathered everything up again and got out of the car.

I’ve never been a big fan of needles, so I was a little uneasy when I saw the size of the one the doctor planned to use to administer my first dose. I just closed my eyes and reminded myself it was all going to be worth it.

Of course they also had to draw another blood sample to see how my body reacted to the other medication I had been taking, and to help determine proper dosage amounts, but at least it wasn’t nearly as much as last time. A couple of cute little white band-aids later, we were on our way home.

As I stared out the window, I began to reflect on what had led me to this point. I wondered if Mom would approve so readily as Margie had.

Then I remembered what Kelly said about how she and Carol were closer than ever after transition. God, I wished she would wake up.

Every day, I was less and less her son, and more and more her daughter. Kelly had made a good point though. I was her only child. She’d be happy just to see me this happy.

That night, Allison’s parents took Margie and me out to celebrate at Olive Garden. It wasn’t Chez What’s-it-called, but it was more than Margie and I were used to either. When we returned home, I hugged Allison good night and thanked her for everything, then headed back to my house to spend some quality time with my diary.

I wasn’t feeling any of the moodiness I was told I would yet and began to hold false hope I might be able to avoid it.

No such luck.