so my brother had another medical crisis and went back to the hospital - only to be released later.

Meanwhile, I went and saw Thunderbolts, and all I will say is I really relate to Bob. Like him, I carry darkness that is very dangerous . . .

So my brother was taken to the hospital today because his heart issues are getting worse.

All hugs and prayers accepted.

New story up!

https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/106310/law-and-order-...

Its very different, so I hope people will read and comment!

Been a rough couple of days, struggling with PTSD, Dysphoria, and worrying about my family as my mom has been struggling lately, and we still don't know what is going on with my brother.

Anyway, I am accepting hugs and prayers, if you want to send them my way.

I found out today that my brother will have a pacemaker implanted in 6 weeks. Despite this, my sister doesn't seem very optimistic, and told me she got a black dress in case she needs to hold his funeral.

I got a new story up, please read and leave a comment!

https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/106026/topside

So last night, I dreamed I killed a man.

I was following him up some kind of tunnel or shaft, and it led to a rocky platform. I grabbed the man, and threw him off the platwform.

And since he landed face first on something hard a long way down, I figured he was dead.

weirdest part was I didnt seem fazed by the fact I had just killed.

I dont know if I wanna know why my brain came up with that dream . . .

just so no one panics, my computer is down, so I will not be online for a bit.

everybody take some huggles to keep you busy till I get back!

So last night, I dreamed I was a superhero.

I had this gun that would stun someone without permanent damage.

I got summoned to join a group of other heroes facing off a group of villains.

I was doing well, when suddenly I was hit with a case of dysphoria so bad I could barely walk, and one of the other heroes half carried me to our target.

Dont ask me, folks.

so my subconscious has decided to let me graduate from school, and now sends me dreams of being in the working world.

For the last week or so, I have dreamed of working in a daycare, at a water park, a newspaper office, and last night, working as a manager at a restaurant.

Since I never did any of those jobs in real life I am not sure where they are coming from, or what my subconscious is trying to tell me, if anything.

My brain is weird, which probably doesnt come as a surprise to anyone here.

I honestly don't know what impression I make here. I suspect most of you see me as some combination of Happy Fun Time Huggle Giver, and Woman Who Constantly Sabotages Her Own Life and Then Whines About It.

Well, sadly, I have to do the later, and 2025 is not going well for me.

I have had several issues with my car, including repairing the undercarriage, replacing the battery, and most recently, replacing the tires, and now it seems I am not done yet, as my check engine light turned on today.

Bit of a tough day today, as my car battery died, and with the extreme cold I had to wait quite a while for a tow.

But honestly, one of the worst parts of the whole experience was constantly being called sir on the phone with the towing company, despite my attempts to correct the lady.

I know it's not as big a thing as what many people, including people I love, are going through, but it still hurt

When I first started going out as myself, I got to talk to a lot of women who told me they didn't like most of the feminine stuff.

They would avoid dresses and skirts and the rest unless they had no choice.

I got the impression they saw being feminine as being less, which is an attitude I would expect from guys, but it was a little strange to hear it from women.

Me, I would have given anything to be allowed to be feminine, so hearing women say they saw it as at best kind of meh . . . well, I really dont know what to make of that.

So, the events in the states has me feeling very helpless, which is triggering my PTSD rather badly.

all hugs and prayers appreciated.

so I have been getting this reoccurring image, and I think I will have to figure out a story to go with it.

Here is the image:

There is a new form of VR, that taps into the brain of the user, to produce an avatar of their inmost self.

A group of trans people have been offered the chance to be beta testers, and being very attracted to the idea, they say yes.

The initial setting is a park, and one by one, the group comes in, getting to see their authentic selves, many for the first time.

If you scroll through the list of my stories, and realize that Games without Frontiers is missing, do not panic.

I havent given up on the story, to the contrary, I am working on a polished version.

Because unpublishing also means I have lost the comments on the preview, I want to make sure to thank everyone who took the time to leave a comment. They mean the world to me.

I just thought having the preview up and a finished version (once I have actually finished it) up might cause some confusion.

huggles to all!

to end 2024 on a positive note, here is a list of some of my blessings:

My family, who love me despite my flaws.

My friends, who are always quick to give me support when I need it, and cheer my successes when they happen

My home - it's not perfect, but with about 3,000 people on the streets, I am grateful for it.

Big Closet: Having a place to share my stories and my blog has been a lifesaver for me.

You silly people who read this, especially those who take the time to leave a comment or a reaction.

Huggles for everyone!

It might sound odd, because of how much of my time I spend thinking about it, but I don't dream of the trans stuff often.

But last night was an exception.

I dreamed that I somehow got possession of a necklace belonging to a goddess of beauty.

Someone suggested I give it back, but I said, “I need this. I need to be beautiful”

Then I woke up, feeling rather sad.

Ah, well.

After being called a liar and a hypocrite by my sister-in-law on Facebook, I have decided I am not going on that site again.

Anybody know a halfway decent social media site?

One of my problems is that I care about things.

And the problem with caring about things is that eventually I had to come to understand how powerless I am to actually effect the things I care about.

which means there is almost nothing I can do but let my heart break when the things I care about are in danger.

Now, a sensible person would probably realize this is stupid, and would stop caring, so I could stop hurting.

Except I cant really do that, without sacrificing most of myself.

So, I guess I am doomed to hurt and hurt and hurt ...