For years, I was aware of how dangerous my depressions could be - I've been suicidal more than once in part thanks to the depression

But I really didn't understand that the manic phase was just as dangerous.

its the equivalent of being high as a kite, or being a "happy drunk", in terms of my lack of restraint.

I am so full of happy chemicals just about anything sounds like fun, and boy have I done stuff I regretted once the manic phase wore off.

so we have signed another year long lease for our apartment.

The place isn't perfect, but its as good as we can do, unless subsidized housing comes through for us.

New TTSD story up!

Hope you like it, and make sure you leave comments!

Well, I have managed to make my life harder.

First, I got taken by a scammer and now I have lost my Facebook account.

Then, today, a cop told me my registration for my car had expired. I went to go fix that, only to discover my insurance had also expired.

I'm doing my best to fix this, but boy would it be great if I wouldn't put myself in these situations to begin with.

A couple of days ago my aunt Terry asked if we wanted to join her for Easter dinner, and we accepted.

So after I came home from Easter service at my church, we picked up another one of my aunts, and went over to Terry's place.

What we hadn't realized that her ex husband and her adult kids were also going to be there, and I don't think I've seen them since I started my transition in earnest.

So there I was, in my best Easter dress, sitting with a bunch of guys.

And nothing bad happened.

Okay I really have to share the dream I had last night.

I was working in a store that was getting ready for Christmas, as huge amounts of stuff came in that we needed to find room for.

Suddenly, I realized there was something wrong - we were apparently stuck in a time loop, doing the same stuff over and over again.
Not only did I figure this out, I figured out how to get us out of it.

The store's Santa had to pick a particular item as a present.

I told him of it, he picked the right package, and the loop was broken.

My Response to Tucker Carlson

Read at your own discression

I don't know if I have ever told the story of how I became the Ugandan ambassador to my school's model UN.

I had signed up, because I was fascinated by the idea, until the random generator said I was to represent Uganda.

If you've seen pictures of the people of Uganda, they are mostly black, and if you've seen pictures of me, I am most definitely not black.

So being the nerd I was, I came up with a backstory to explain why I was picked as the ambassador, even though nobody but me seemed to take the model UN thing terribly seriously.

So a couple of days ago, while in Walmart, I saw what looked like a book that looked like a novel with a cute romantic comedy vibe, so I picked it up.
At the start, the book delivered on that vibe, as it told the story of an ordinary man and a witch who fall for each other.

They met, he somehow defeated the glamor on her house (which is supposed to make people forget it and the residents) to remember her, they had a meet cute, they had a misunderstanding, it was all going pretty much the way I expected.

In order to tell the story I want to, I have to tell a different one first.

A long time ago there was a TV show, called "Love, American Style".

The show was an anthology, each week presenting a different story about the perils and joys of being in love.

And on this show there was an episode where a singer known for his sad songs about heartbreak and loneliness found a girl, and then discovered he couldn't write sad songs, or indeed any songs.

Since I can't afford therapy, today I went swimming instead.

2 hours in a pool probably did as much good to my state of mind, and much more good to my body, than rehashing the endless cycle that is my mental health with someone would have.

Maybe even more . . .

Okay so I took a self-care day today.

First, I shaved my face, a task which can be difficult for me, as I get caught in a catch 22 - I hate shaving, but I hate the facial hair too.

Then I went to a local pool and swam for about an hour and a half.

Then mom and I went out for brunch, and after brunch I got my hair cut.

Its shorter, but I think it still looks feminine and kind of cute, actually.

So that was my self-care day.

So tomorrow morning, my mom is going out for breakfast with one of my uncles.

I've made the choice to not come with, because he apparently has a problem with trans people.

And as he is almost 90, and dying of cancer, I think I'll skip making a scene.

Sometimes, you got to know when to pick your battles - and when its best to withdraw

So we went out to help Sharon and Sam get some stuff done, and Sam was clearly doing better.

She took my mom's arm when they went into the grocery store, she laughed and smiled at one of my dad jokes, and she waved and used a kind of sign language to communicate.

I hope this improvement continues.

Okay so the last couple of days I have really been struggling with depression and also having stomach issues, and it was getting to be a bit much.

Then today we went over to my aunt Terry's house, and met her new dog, a retriever mix named Rocky.

And he turned my day around.

gave lots of kisses, wanted to be petted often, just the thing I needed.

I am grateful for these moments.

So this morning, I felt the need to start the new year off right, and so I showered, shaved, and brushed my teeth - all activities that I have struggled with.

And then I looked at my calendar and realized the new year starts tomorrow . . .

So I have submitted "the girl with the scars in her eyes", and "Gibraltar falls" to a Canadian magazine.

I will know if they accept it sometime in the next 6-8 weeks.

Keep your fingers crossed for me, okay?

So I just got off the phone with the CPAP place, and they found a machine for me.

I am going to be literally breathing easier . . .

Okay so today I was doing a little taxi service for Sharon and Sam, and while they were out shopping in a mall Mom and I went to the food court and got supper.

On our way back to the car, a little boy, maybe about 3 or 4, came up to me and proudly showed off the candy cane he had.

I told him "wow", the kid's dad grinned and kind of blushed, and mom and I went on our way.

Every once in a while, God throughs a little goodness my way, to remind me its not all darkness in the world, and today I really needed it.

I really need advice.

I think my ex is taking advantage of me because I have a car, and she often will ask for a ride, only to add 2 or 3 extra stops, or want to spend much more time somewhere than she mentioned before she got into the car.

I put up with a lot because she is the sole caregiver of my disabled daughter, but then today she spent part of the trip insulting both me and my mother and claiming we were going to hell.

I really want to set a boundary here, but I don't know how to without it hurting my daughter.

advice please.

I had a productive day yesterday.

Got laundry done, picked up some groceries, and most important, managed to take a shower.

The last may not seem like a big deal, but it had been more than a month since I'd been able to work up the courage to actually shower.

so a good day.

Okay so last night I think I had one of my best dreams ever.

I was an officer of the law, chasing a dangerous criminal in the mountains of British Columbia.

And I was amazing.

Strong, smart, and above all fearless, I overcame obstacles in my way with ease.

Sadly, the dream ended just as I had the bad guy cornered, but I have no doubt that version of me would succeed.,