Attention Big Closeters !

I have learned that one of our own, a certain miss Andrea DiMaggio is feeling kinda down.

Please send her as many huggles as you can!

Another day, another struggle with the shower monster.

I need to get clean, but I start to shake every time I try to step into the tub.

Sighs ...

You ever want to cry but be unable to?

I had that experience last night.

I was in pain and struggling with both PTSD and my gender issues, and I snuck into the bathroom to let loose, and I found myself ... blocked. I simply couldn't cry.

I kinda find that a little scary ...

My mother gave me a beautiful card for my birthday.

It starts with, "For you, Daughter, on your birthday." and end with "You're beautiful inside and out"

I'm gonna cry some happy tears now.

Well, I have somehow managed to survive to see my 50th birthday, and I'd like to take the opportunity to thank a few people who have helped me live this long.

First, my mom, who loves me unconditionally.

My brother and sister, who have done so much for me.

Jaci, who is a wonderful online big sister.

My friend Erin.

All my online friends.

All my readers, especially those who have left comments on my stories.

Erin and her elves, for giving me a place to post my stuff.

New bedroom is basically set up, just have to move my stuff over there.

So yay for accomplishing things!

Here is a beautiful song made in tribute to those who lost their lives in Orlando.

http://www.msnbc.com/the-last-word/watch/exclusive-song-pays...

I got some high praise from Shadowblade, and I wanted to share it.

"you have been around on this site for some time and your presence is nothing less of a godsend to many of the writers. You always take the time to read and post nice comments. When I said pillar of the community I truly meant it! You are like the guiding star the sailor uses to steer his ship."

I am totally bowled over by this compliment.

I am not sure if its stress or the pain I am in, but I seem very fragile at the moment.

So if I start crying forgive me?

As a writer and a reader, I get frustrated when people excuse bad writing because the end product was marketed to a specific group.

Like saying "its just for kids" or "Its just for teen girls" isnt an excuse to not try and make a good story.

When it comes to trans fiction, the excuse is usually that its intended for the small number of guys who have a trans fetish.

Well, I had my 2nd shift working for the new cleaning company, and so far, its been a mixed experience.

First, the good - I got a semi-promotion and have been given the responsibility for training our two newcomers and acting as kind of a on site supervisor. Plus, I must be doing pretty well at this, since my store has already been singled out as one with a high rating after the first couple days.

Now the bad - despite the less physically taxing job, I haven't had a reduction in my pain levels. In fact I was close to tears a couple of times last night.

I feel like I owe my readers an apology. Its been more than a month since I published the last chapter of Mercy, and i cant even say I'm close to having the next one ready.

But pain, PTSD, gender dysphoria, and life stress have sapped my creativity totally, and so my progress has slowed to a crawl.

I'm so sorry.

I've reached a point where pain is a constant factor in my life.

Worse, regular pain medications are no longer nearly effective enough for me.

As soon as I can, I'm going to book a visit to my doctor, to see what other options are available, but in the meantime, prayers and hugs appreciated.

Oh, I am kinda blocked on Mercy right now, so I dont know when more is coming.

Sorry.

I love my church.

Every Mother's day, they give every woman a flower.

They so wanted to make sure I got one they gave me two

I have the weirdest dreams.

Like last night I dreamed I was at an event at the University of Alberta, and the person I was with caught a bus without me. I then wandered around for a while, saw a pretty girl, and kissed her for no good reason.

Then I apologized for kissing her.

There was more, but honestly, it was so jumbled I cant really make sense of it.

On the other hand, at least the fact I had a dream means I'm getting used to wearing the CPAP machine ...

Well, I had a busy day today.

Isaw the psch doc, and he's up the dose of my anti-depressant. I also saw the sleep clinic, and I have severe sleep apnea, so they gave me a machine to help me breathe in my sleep.

Some good news on the job front.

I had an interview with the new cleaning company on Wednesday night, and they impressed me. Enough that if they offer me a position (they are supposed to be coming back Tuesday with the offers), I will take the offer

not my best night last night. Had a panic attack, then panicked over the panic attack (so like a panic attack squared), and just after lunch my knee almost gave way on me.

On the other hand, I am alive, I am home safe, and I am loved.

Tough day today. Worked very hard last night, then had a party for Samantha's birthday (because most of her friends couldn't come on Easter for her actual birthday), and it was a total struggle to not blank out at the restaurant due to pain setting off my PTSD.

Sighs ...

As if I didn't have enough on my plate at the moment, apparently Sharon has gone insane.

On Saturday she was with my mom and spotted a cop talking to a woman at a bus stop. She jumped out of the car and got in the officer's face, even though she didn't know the woman, the officer, or the situation.

Frankly, she was lucky he didn't arrest her.

From what my mom told me, she has been taken off her blood pressure meds, which maybe why this happened, but still, she needs to get a handle on her impulse control, or she or my daughter will get hurt.

Well, today is a special day.

It's Jaci's (AKA Tels) birthday!

Yes, the originator of all the girly germs on many chat sites is having a birthday today.

And since she's having a tough time because of her period, I'm sure she'd really appreciate all the birthday huggles we can give her!

Jaci, I hope you have a happy, girly, PINK birthday!