You know how you can tell you have a long way to go in your healing journey?

When it's 2 AM, and you're holding on to a teddy bear and crying.

That was me last night.

I was triggered by a story that featured an idea I call "the magician's force". Basically, it's where you give someone the illusion of choice, but you've rigged the outcome beforehand.

I believe my abuser used something like that with me.

And so I cried for the seven year old child who fell into the hands of such a creature ...

Ah, well. Must carry on, regardless.

I have a bit a problem.

I am kinda blocked on Mercy, to the point I'm willing to ask for suggestions if anybody has one.

But that doesn't mean I'm blocked for story ideas.

I have started what I hope will be a funny take on Alice in Wonderland.

I am noodling an idea called "Help! My girlfriend is a unicorn!"

I even have a Jaci and Dottie story peculating,

So its a strange problem, that I'm blocked on the one story I really want to get back to writing ...

Ah, well.

One of the parts of adulting I'm trying to learn is how to make mistakes.

Now that probably sounds confusing, so let me explain.

For most of my life, any mistake I made became huge, an example of my general unworthiness. I would beat myself up, add the mistake to a list of mistakes that I kept reminding myself of, and generally act like I was in a really bad tragedy.

But adults dont act like that.

As I kinda fell into the "poor me" trap, let's rectify that by me posting my gratitude list.

My job - it isn't glamorous, but it gives me enough to keep a roof over my head and food in the fridge.

My family - they all may not agree with my transition, but they all love me.

my church - it means so much to have them in my corner.

My friends, both off line and online. You guys are awesome.

Well, thanks to my own bad choices and laziness there is a good possibility that I will cheat myself out of four thousand dollars.

See, way back when I started with Walmart, I got a little bit of Walmart stock given to me by the company. When I stopped working for them I was supposed to get a payout - about 4 thousand dollars.

But due to a mix-up, they sent me a check - in the name of Dorothy.

Which isn't my legal name yet.

Which meant I couldn't cash the check

When I was a kid, I noticed that the insults directed at me, and any other male who wasn't popular tended to involve how feminine we were - "fag", "sissy" or even being called a girl.

I didn't understand it then, but I see it now. To those boys, being a girl was to be a lower form of life, and therefore the worst insult you could give a boy was to compare him to a girl.

I wonder how many of those boys ever stopped feeling like that, how many girlfriends and wives suffered because of that attitude, and how many taught that same feeling to their sons.

Remember how I said yesterday that something felt "off"

Well, what was off was me.

I had several panic/ptsd attacks in a row, and by my first break I was very close to calling it a day and going home.

But, I fought through it, kept using my grounding lessons, and got through the day.

I just wanted to say, to anyone who is struggling today because of it being the 15th anniversary of 9/11, please accept a huggle from me.

And take care of yourself today.

Well, I spent a good part of today in a spiritual struggle.

Hugs and prayers appreciated

Kinda an interesting moment yesterday.

I had been struggling all day, so I finally decided I needed to go out, and put on a pretty skirt and went to the new Star Trek film.

The film was great, the best since the reboot, but that wasn't the interesting moment.

I got called "grandma" today.

No, I'm not kidding.

A little boy waved at me and said, "Hi, grandma."

What do you guys think? Compliment? Or not?

okay, question. if you were going to start a sorority that catered to trans women, what would you use as a motto?

Well, it was not a good day.

I strained my back, which set my hips and knees off, which set my PTSD off, which meant a very tough day ...

Had an interesting moment at work today.

I was waiting for the public washrooms to clear so I could clean them, and while I waited, I noticed a little girl in a shopping cart with her mom. When she saw me, she squealed with delight and began "talking" to me in baby chatter, waving her arms around and generally having a great time.

I couldn't help myself - I started laughing.

(There may have been some giggles involved, but I refuse to confirm or deny)

Well, I have a brand new story up. I hope everybody likes it!

I had a rather embarrassing dream last night. I dreamed that I had come to a hotel and due to it being overbooked I would have to share a room.

My roommate?

Hugh Jackman.

See why that might be embarrassing?

Well, i helped a little boy find his family today.

He was wondering around, looking lost, and I was able to convince him to stick with me as I headed for the costumer service desk, but his family came up before we got there.

I feel super good to have helped.

one thing that has come about lately for me is that because of my mom's anxiety levels, I have found myself pushing in the opposite direction, becoming more focused on the positives more optimistic, and more upbeat.

I think this is a good thing. I hope I can sustain it.

Because I seem to be on some kind of event teeter-totter, where I cant have an up without a down, here is how my day went today.

First, the up. My car is less damaged than I thought, and my brother helped me put the spare tire on so I can drive to work until such time as i can afford to fix the car.

Now, the down: I went to pick up a prescription at the pharmacy, and discovered that somehow my coverage from work has been discontinued. I am going to have to phone tomorrow and find out what's going on.

See what I mean? Up and down, up and down ...

Well, we're officially in crunch time for our move. Tonight I will be packing the last of my stuff, and tomorrow morning we move.

Since I'll be offline for a couple of days, let me take this opportunity to thank everybody who takes the time to read this little blog, especially those who have left comments.

I am so blessed, and I thank you all.

I got a super compliment today.

I was on Facebook and talking about feeling frustrated with my transition progress, and this is what I was told by Brianna:

" I have to tell you that on BCTS you are an inspiration to a lot of us who transitioned after you did."

That's ... amazing.

Me, an inspiration?

Wow ...