Just got back from breakfast with my mom. I was in pants, sweater, and coat, no wig, and the server said, "what can I get you two ladies?"

Nice. Felt good.

One of the members of my trans support group and her amazing spouse treated me to a shopping spree at a second hand store. It was .... fantastic. I'm so, so blessed.

First, the fantastic part. A friend from my trans support group had heard I was struggling with feeling ugly, and invited me to come to her house for a bit of a makeover. It was absolutely amazing what difference a pretty blouse, a new hair style, and some lipstick could make. Then she listened to me as I talked about my situation, and helped me with the memories of my rape.

I was starting to have one of those "I hate my body" days this morning, but a visit from my dog helped me short it out, and I'm grateful. To give myself something to do, I took some more of my male clothes to a charity, and got my anti-testosterone meds filled. Now, if only I could get writing ....

hope its a good one for all of my friends. If you're in a relationship, I hope you do something together that reminds you both why you got together in the first place. If you're single, I hope you can embrace it, or figure out what you need to do to fix it and take the first step.

Be well, everyone.

Yesterday we had a pot-luck at the trans group I belong to, and what happened there opened my eyes a bit. See, there was a new person there, who had just started to come out, and was getting harassed for it at work. But it was her attitude that made an impact. She seemed to be resigned to abuse, and in fact acted like she deserved it. She called herself a "freak", and all I wanted to do was give her a big hug and tell her, "You are not a freak. You are precious, and beautiful."

That's when it really hit me.

How many times have I called myself names?

Well, I managed to live through a pretty tough night. Basically, I managed to lose track of time so I was more than 15 minutes late to go get the ex at her job. She had gone, so I tried the doctor's office she cleans, and the closest bus stops, and didnt see her. Meanwhile, my daughter was trying to help prevent me from beating myself up about it. Finally, I had to take my daughter back home to my mom, and ask her to take her to the ex when the ex called, as I was now late for work.

I was thinking the other day about the band Klaatu. I grew up on their music, and I find I miss it even now. I'm not really sure why it spoke to me the way it did, but somehow, it reached me in a way that few other bands have ever managed. Its too bad they didnt have a bigger following, but maybe that was part of the appeal.

Slept funny, and now I'm in serious pain. Took as many pain meds as I can, and it doesnt touch it.

I found my glasses. Somehow,they had fallen behind my bed. So that's better. Last night, I was talking to a co-worker about where I am, and where I hope to be, and it occurred to me that once I have my name change, I'll be as done as I expect to be, since SRS is not a realistic goal. So in one way, I'll never be a full woman.

And that hurts.

Ah, well.

Well, I managed to hit myself in the face last night at work. Not fun.

Well, last night, before I went to work, my mom let me know that my ex mentioned reading my letter when she dropped off Sam after having her for the day. Mom said that my ex's only comment was, "Well, he'll always be Todd to me." If that's the wost that comes out of this, its a pretty darn good result.

Then, I got to work, and my supervisor passed on a compliment from the day staff in the fashion department . He said they had said, "Can we keep her?" So that made me feel pretty good.

Had a peek at some of my old entries, and I find it almost impossible to believe how far I've come in such a short time. If I was writing my life as a fiction story, everyone would say "oh, come on now! That's just not realistic!" But its actually happening, and its been almost .... easy? Like all I really had to do was just .... decide to live, to be the real me, and everything would start falling into place? I'd pinch myself, but if this is a dream, I dont want to wake up....

I think I did something to my shoulder a couple of days ago, and I woke up today in a lot of pain. I really didnt need this. Ah, well.

I read Bailey's latest chapter of Jem, and I was hit with this incredible ache for the ability to crawl into my daddy's lap ....

Ah, well

Well, something good came out of the comment my mom made at breakfast. I got a very supportive comment from my brother when I posted about it on face book, and here it is:

"To become something new the old must pass away. This is not really a bad thing. Those of us who love you, loved you as who you were, as who you are, and as who you will be. From your point of view "The Todd is dead, long live the Dot"."