Well, I had my last session at the rape center. We reminisced about the first time I went to her office in female clothes, and how far I've come since then. She also told me to try not to worry about times like I had the other day, its actually a good sign that I was able to get some of that stuff out of me, but maybe I should switch to adult mode when they happen to access the skills I've learned in my sessions.

One day at a time, that's all I can do, right?

I went to Wal-Mart today in my nice new blouse and skirt, and got to chatting with the people on either side of the line up at the pharmacy counter. Then I strolled through a farmer's market, and then stopped on my way home to get a glass of lemonade from a kid's stand. At no point did anyone seem to give me so much as a double take, which once upon a time I would have said was simply impossible for me - there was simply no way I could pass.

Funny how wrong a person can be, isnt it?

Well, last night I was telling my co-workers about getting my 2nd opinion, and one of my co-workers said "You should have just asked me - I knew you were totally a girl the first time we met."

I asked "how?" and she said, "It just radiates out of you."

Nice, huh?

Well, I just came back from my 2nd opinion. They called me in just as I was leaving to see the endo doc. He's recommending me for the SRS. So now I just wait until December when I see my regular gender specialist, and he will put me on the waiting list.

I think I'm in shock, it doesnt seem real yet...

I'm so happy I'm crying

I had a nasty flashback/nightmare today (I sleep days, because I work nights).

It was so bad I actually threw myself off my bed and woke up on the floor.

I'm so dam tired of this ....

My mom started fooling around with my hair last night, and now I have an honest-to-goodness pony tail. The ex had a bit of a freak out about it, but that's to be expected.

I kinda like it, though.

think I've reached a point in my journey where I feel confident enough to try out different looks to see what one suits me best. For example, I've been wearing a very subtle plum shade of nail color, and today I decided to try a bold red instead. I'm also looking at hairstyles, to see what I can do with that as well, although I still have a bit of thinness at the front that I would like to cover over as much as it can be.

I think a good step forward for me, and kinda fun besides.

The worst part of not being in a relationship right now? Not having someone to hold me while I shake during a PTSD moment.

They're scary sometimes, and hurt all the time, and I ache afterward, but the worst part is going through them alone, when all you want is someone to put their arms around you so you can feel safe.

I love my online friends, and I'm super grateful for their support, and I've been pretty lucky at finding someone to talk to when things have been bad, but I ache sometimes for a pair of actual arms around me, holding me and supporting me.

Ah, well.

Well, yesterday was a bit of a mixed day. First, I went to my daughter's grad, and it went really well, which was the good part of the day. Best of all, I wore female clothes, (abet very androgynous ones), and didnt have an issue with my ex or my daughter.

The better happened about halfway through my shift - Some of you might remember me blogging a couple of years back while I was working for Zellers about working in the Health and Beauty section, and getting depressed looking at the pretty women on the boxes.

Well, my daughter has her graduation ceremony for grade 6 on Thursday, and I'll be in drag for the day - wearing boy clothes, at the insistence of her mother. I had already promised to wear clothes that were gender-neutral, but that wasnt good enough for her. The other night while I helped her do her 2nd job she demanded I not be so selfish and put on male clothes so as to cause no disruption in either the ceremony itself or the small party that will be afterward for my daughter and my family.

Just got a call from the hospital, and my 2nd opinion has been moved up. Now it will be July 18, at 1 P.M.

One more major hurdle could be done a month from now!

(Does a little happy dance)

Yay!

Well, every once in a while when writing a story, I write myself into a corner, and dont know how to get out. The last "Understanding Rachel" is a good example. I wanted to show why Rachel needs Tanya as much as Tanya needs Rachel, but in the process I didnt leave Tels a lot to work with in terms of saving them both. So she decided to lob the ball back into my court instead of the smash I was expecting, and now I'm running toward the net trying to save the point. Now its up to me to see if I can salvage this storyline, if its possible, and if anybody still cares about it.

Ah, well.

Well, I had a super hard day at work in terms of trying to get stuff done, and I'm paying for it with a stiff neck, sore shoulders, and general tiredness. Added to that, I'm losing my up part of my bipolar cycle, which means I'm headed down, and fast ...

To make things totally yucky, after reading a story on here that had a forced sexual moment, I started flashing, and really havent stopped so much as have small breaks between flashes.

Ah, well.

well, the nibble I got regarding publishing my novella turned out to be a dud. The whole thing was all about selling me on a publishing service that charges to publish, with prices starting at 600 dollars and going up from there.

Ah, well.

Here is a new pic of me. I hope this works:

http://profile.ak.fbcdn.net/hprofile-ak-ash2/371255_10000223...

Last night as I drove to work, I listened to a marriage therapist talk about the different needs men and women have in a relationship. According to him, Men need to feel successful, women need to feel safe.

If that's true, then I really am a woman, because safety was the quality that was really missing in my marriage. I dont blame my wife, a lot of it was my fault - I was the one with the massive secret called "Dorothy", after all.

But regardless of fault or blame, the fact is that I never felt safe in my relationship with my wife.

Or with most other people, in fact.

Last night, I started to have a flashback, and I found a new way to ground myself. I started clicking the button on my safety knife (its the knife I use at work to open boxes). The sound of the clicks somehow kept me from spiraling out of control.

Interesting, no?