Why do I still struggle with my identity? Well, there are a few reasons why. First, because there is nothing feminine in my body - no intersex condition, no lack of testosterone, none of that, which keeps me wondering where does this fem thing come from?

Second, because of my rape and other nasty events in my life, I would be a good candidate for gender issues if environment plays any role at all, so the question becomes, "Would I feel the same if I had been blessed with some positive male role models?"

Since the possibility of me being able to get SRS has gone up, I find I've been reacting super emotionally to the subject. I tear up talking about it, and even just writing about it is hard because I start crying. I'm scared of the pain, the discomfort, the whole thing, but I want it, I NEED IT ....

Oh crap. Here comes the water works ....

As strange as it may sound, I'm rather hoping that the doctor who will do my 2nd opinion does more than just rubber-stamp me onto the SRS waiting list.

I hope he takes the time and effort to make sure of me, because sometimes I'm less than sure myself, and having a medical person confirm my status would help me deal with those anxieties.

But, only time will tell - 3 weeks and 4 days, to be exact.

I went to the YMCA this morning, and I had a wonderful time. I got shown around, given a free pass for the day, and got info on how I might be able to get a membership at a discount or even free if I qualify based on my income. Then I used the pass and went into the pool and swam for an hour, just enjoying the ability to go out as a woman without any mistreatment.

So that was good, but now for some reason I'm really shaky. Dont know if its depression, or flashbacks, or what, but I'm really struggling to hold on to my happy

Ah, well.

Well, apparently I cant hide it very well when I'm having a bad flashback.

I was at the pot-luck dinner for my trans support group, and started having real problems, when a couple of people made a point of asking me if I was okay.

Of course, I wasnt, but by keeping myself engaged in my surroundings through what I could feel, see, hear, and even smell, I was able to ride it out and get back to normal.

Well, on Mother's day I talked a bit about how that day and Father's day can suck for people who dont fit the gender stereotype, but today, with Father's day being tomorrow, I wanted to talk a little about some of the challenges I have being one.

First, you have to understand that I was totally not prepared for parenthood, to but it mildly. This was not just because of my gender issues, or my overall mental health, both of which have played a part in my struggle to be a good parent, but because I had no role model in my own life to draw on in terms of what a good dad looked like.

I'm conflicted about what to do with my Quest story, now that we managed to make it available on Kindle. Part of me wants to encourage all of you to buy it, and use what has been posted as a teaser to hopefully help, but I have really enjoyed the feedback I've been getting on each chapter here, and would miss it if the rest of the story wasn't posted here.

Suggestions?

For the vast majority of my life, I've felt like a failure. No matter what I tried, I failed at it, or at least that's how I saw it. Then, having nothing left to lose, I went looking for help for my rape, and then for my gender issues.

And a funny thing has happened since. I've made amazing amounts of progress on both issues.

First, with the rape, I can now ground myself through a flashback, and my nightmares have gotten much better.

My mom took me to Pennington's today to get a ladies bathing suit, and to say I got treated well is an understatement. When I told the sales lady I was transition, she told me she couldnt even see me as having ever been a boy, I was so feminine.

Neat, huh?

At about 615 this morning I dislocated my knee, and unlike the usual when this happens, it stayed out for several minutes, leaving me in enough pain to have to call my supervisor for help. I spent the last 45 minutes of my shift having to move very, very slowly and carefully, doing light work as I went.

Hopefully, this is a one-off, and not a sign I'm going to get in further trouble with it ...

Well, just got two big pieces of news. First, the federal government has passed a law extending anti-discrimination protection to trans people, meaning we no longer have to worry about things like losing a job or being denied housing because of who we are.

The second big announcement is one that effects me personally. The Alberta government has announced that they will once again cover SRS. This means that once I get my 2nd opinion in December, I will go on the list, and once they clear the backlog, I will be whole.

I actually cried with happiness when I heard this.

There are some trans people who somehow never doubt who they are, and can easily withstand any pressure to be anybody else.

But not me, I get moments of doubt.

When I was young, this doubt came partially out of fear - the fear that I had to be insane to have this feeling of femininity coming out of a body that was anything but female. So trying to disbelieve the feelings came a form of protection against that fear.

Well, I had a better day at work last night, and now I'm off for a couple, so I'm going to try and get a few things accomplished. But its not all rosy, as you can guess by the title of this entry, and that's because there are things in my head that kinda scare me, and I have a number of almost-mental-illness like conditions that are less than fun.

They include having some OCD-like traits -I'm not a neat freak, or a germ freak, but I have a number of "magic" little routines that seem to serve no purpose other than keep me calm. ...

Well, the last couple of days I've been in the domestic department, but when the regular staffer came back from her weekend you would have thought I turned the whole department upside down. She actually swore at me, about me, and it was not a fun experience. My trouble with such stuff is that faced with something like that, I tend to turtle and often internalize whatever is being said to me.

This leads me to a point I've been thinking about for the last while.

I'm broken.

Well, yesterday I came out to my daughter's teacher, basically to get her to watch out for any signs that Sam is getting bullied because of my transition. Coming out wasnt that big a deal - to either of us, based on her reaction, but I felt better for taking a step to help deal with the anxiety I was having over Sam. Hmmm. Actually DOING something proactive? Could be a good idea for other stuff too...

There have been a number of news articles lately about supposed Christians acting hatefully towards gay, lesbians, or trans people.

But fortunately, not all Christians are like that, even ones who think its a sin.

A couple of people I can point to as examples of that is my brother and sister-in-law.

No matter how much they may think I'm making a mistake in transitioning, they continue to show love and support to me even when I was acting in a way that made me less than loveable.

Just wanted to give them some props for this.